Week 1 Previews
Week 1 Previews – Week One Previews – The league kicks off in fine fashion with one of its many great rivalries – the Cookies and Losers. Last year, the sweep of the Losers caused widely varying reactions from Cookies’ Owner Dan Weitz. After the defection of his daughter Amber to the dark side, Weitz lost all grip of reality and turned himself into the Ainor – a sad spectacle, indeed. However, when the Cookies needed him most, Weitz overcame the Ainor and whipped his team into a frenzy that hilariously saw him coach the second half in his underwear. The sweep also caused Losers’ Owner Steve “Darth Einar” Olson to go back to the drawing board and start conjuring up a new death star. Sadly, his drafting committee did him no favors and he enters Week 1 as a heavy underdog (not helped by the fact that he has not used the preseason to set up his depth chart or his starting lineup). The Losers could boast a lineup of Michael Vick, Chris Chambers, and Edgerrin James along with several of his beloved Packers. Or they could start no one. The Cookies return Donovan McNabb and Jason Witten to go with their new RB trio of Julius Jones, Deuce McAllister, and J.J. Arrington. The reigning league champions, the San Francisco Cubists, begin their season against the team that seems to have their number – Owner Rich Joseph’s Ballbusters. Call it the curse of Oauoa if you will, but the Cubists have lost all four matchups against the Busters. Last year, Buster QB Peyton Manning saw red when he saw the Cubists’ inbred hillbilly moron QB Brent Farf giving the south a bad name. Manning is back along with his Chief friends, Priest Holmes and Tony Gonzalez, to go along with new Busters – LaMont Jordon, Thomas Jones, Travis Henry, and former Cubist Ashley Lelie. The summer start out fine for Owner Jason Moore as he basked in his championship afterglow, but soon after winning the Modano Mi Hermano award for best Owner/Coach, Moore started to receive calls from WR Terrell Owens’ agent, demanding a new contract. Owens and his agent used the media to spread the word that T.O. was being underpaid and that was not a situation in which T.O. would be happy. Nevertheless, Moore held his ground and eventually Owens reported to camp. This could be a developing story. Jamal Lewis spent his summer in prison and Dominick Davis, the other Wookie keeper, has had some preseason ankle problems. All causes for concern. Yet, Moore should be relieved that he no longer has to deal with antics of Farf and has capably replaced him with Marc Bulger, whose accuracy should keep Owens a bit quieter. The burden of Farf goes to a guy who wanted it, real bad – Owner Steve Johnson and his Brentful Brents. Johnson, Farf, and the cadre of Brent runners – including top pick LaDainian Tomlinson, Clinton Portis, and Chris Brown – take on the Envy who still remember getting royally screwed on a mystery half sack, the Friday after a game last year. That half sack allowed the Brents to sweep the Envy and take a 6-4 lead in the series history, including the last four meetings. Johnson has stated that his two goals for the season are to get to 10 wins and beat Missner. He’ll have to get the pass defense out early as Owner Perry Missner has his new QB, Tom Brady, ready to go for a Thursday night special. Brady will count Chad Johnson and Michael Clayton as his targets and can hand off to Willis McGahee and Fred Taylor. Brian Urlacher is also back and he has promised to brain Farf. Owner John Stoer hopes to take his critically acclaimed draft picks and put on a high flying aerial show – right in the Wookies face. Last year, the teams met but once, but the Wookies got bragging rights with a 103-59 to lead the series 6-4. Stoer also begins his campaign early with returning QB Kerry Collins, who is “going to torch the Pats.” Unlike past seasons, the 44’s are going with a ground attack that includes Michael Anderson, Kevin Jones, Steve Jackson, and Brian Westbrook. Marvin Harrison, possibly because he is giving respect to new 44 DB Ed Reed, is on the bench. One of the Wookies big weapons, TE Antonio Gates, is also on the bench replaced by a Patriots TE named Ben. No, it’s not the famed Coates, but a young guy named Watson. Owner Will Mitchell also has Corey Dillon and Deion Branch going on Thursday. Carson Palmer makes his Wookie debut and can look to Darrell Jackson, Rudi Johnson, and DeShaun Foster for help. Finally, the Biers have morphed into the Bares for this season and Owner Randy Chambers hopes to strip down to championship status again, after taking a year off. To do so, his team will have to beat the new look County Coroners, who Owner Chad Nuss has reformed in an almost Raiderless image. Only Sebastian Janakowski bears the Raider symbol of all of the Coroners. The Coroners finally solved the Biers in Week 11 last year after losing their 6 previous meetings. In order to get their record to 4-11 against the Bares, Nuss is going to rely on the ground attack, which includes Curtis Martin, former Bier Tiki Barber, Ruben Droughns, and rookie Carnell Williams. Chambers is using the opposite tactic with his O-flex in that it includes three WR’s – Heinz Ward, Derrick Mason, and Isaac Bruce. The Bares counter Tiki with Ronde, and of course, for the 5th year in a row, those three monsters – Culpepper, Alexander, and Moss are back, although Culpepper and Moss will no longer be able to double their pleasure, double their fun.
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