P-Miss Envy 110 Bull City Biers 109 There are some league watchers who believe that the top teams from 2003 and into 2004 have become lazy fat cats: they rely on a small cadre of three or four players to do the heavy lifting while leaving the rest of their rosters to fall into disrepair. These watchers view these owners as elitists, while others just think they are lucky to have these powerful players fall in their laps. Whatever you believe, one owner that is clearly rebelling from the league�s preference for star player is Owner Perry Missner. No, his team wasn�t blessed with �multiple year keepers from the upper castes. But we play the game the right way: struggle for every yard, make some fortunate waiver claims, and D it up 24/7.� In Week 9, the Envy put together a powerful display of what sharing and team unity could achieve when they upset the star laden Bull City Biers, who once again had all of their TD�s scored by just three players. On Sunday, Owner Randy Chambers played a familiar tune in handing off to his reconstituted �three-headed monster -- The Bus, Tiki and Shaun.� While two of the heads are up to the task of equaling the three-headed monster of Cubist lore, Jerome Bettis (2/15) is running like he finally started taking extra doses of vitamins for the aged. Bettis, who is trying to ingratiate himself to Chambers to get more playing time, said he would �change diapers. �Nuff said.� Even more unlikely was that Bettis ran for 149 yards without scoring on one of special one yard plunges. The two big heads, Shaun Alexander (8/134) and Tiki Barber (8/126), both had huge games with Barber notching his 7th all pro game with 20 points and Alexander getting his 5th all pro game with 22. Chambers said each reminded him of �Riggo (Duh)� for gaining yards after contact. Even Missner commented on the sportsman like play of Tiki, �Those Barber brothers always seem to play hard but not dirty. They comport themselves in a gentlemanly fashion and always help their opponent up. I�ll give the Lady Bing to Tiki this year and Ronde next. Et tu, Mike Green (3/32) led the Bier D and earned a gameball for his 17 points. However, there were a number of low lights for the Biers, but most damaging was the play of the starting WR Rod Gardner (6/27) who failed to score after notching two TD�s in Week 8. Chambers blamed �Mark Brunell. Back in the days before Daunte drove the car, he was guaranteed to hit Jimmy Snort Smits and Keenan Ivory Holdout for many yards. Now he cannot even hit Rod Gardner on a 15-yard hitch. Argh!� Chambers then nominated Joe Gibbs for the Lady Bing, �It's very sporting of the Jedi Master to leave a dead QB on the field out of Christian-Bush loyalty.� While Chambers was busy complaining about his team�s lack of a vertical threat, the Envy just kept on scoring TD�s. Willis McGahee (3/41) continued to ask �Whachotalkin�bout?� by scoring another sweet TD. The Envy�s only all pro performance came from Anthony Thomas (2/19) who came off the waiver wire to flatten the Giants for two scores and 100+ yards. Speaking of the Giants, here�s hoping they never move to Virginia (VA Giants?). The New York team did score extra point by throwing a meaningless TD to Jeremy Shockey (7/37) to give the Envy a decided TE advantage. Shockey caused Missner to think of the greatest runners after initial contact, �Of course, Walter Payton was the greatest in almost every category, but when the question was asked I thought of lumbering Mark Bavaro.� Sammy Morris (3/28) continued his strong play with another TD and league leading D-flex (tied with the Losers at 25.22 ppg) was led by the league�s best defensive player, Ed Reed (8/82) who scored his second TD and 14 points. It was then noticed that return yards were left off as a scoring category. Perhaps we�ll bring them back next year. The only disappointment for Missner came from Chad Pennington (7/90) who scored a TD but turned the ball over to equate 4 points, then hurt himself. Missner said, �You always hope for more than 4 points from your QB. Pennington�s going on the shelf means its Burger Time. Don�t forget to throw the pepper.� The Envy held a 15 point bulge heading into Monday night, but the league�s second leading scorer, Daunte Culpepper (8/198) still on the docket. Antoine Winfield (8/65) continued his strong season with 12 (allowing for a season high for the Bier D-flex) to narrow the gap. Culpepper had an off game with just 14 points, which would have been enough to win, but he stupidly threw his one TD pass to Envy WR Nate Burleson (3/22). Missner commented, �When [Burleson] plopped on hit butt for the second score [after a beautiful punt return], I turned the TV off knowing my team had done all it could to grab the victory.� And Missner did sleep soundly as his team gained �bragging rights over the Biers until 2005. We hope to push our way to the top so the tie breaker matters.� On Tuesday, Chambers tried to ignite a controversy by noting that his spies had seen �the Devil himself (well actually, it was Karl Rove, but what's the diff?) was seen coming out of the Missner lair last week. Was it worth your soul, my friend?� However, we in the media think that Chambers should start wearing his glasses again as it wasn�t Rove, but the similar looking Buddy Ryan who visiting the Envy camp to share some new wrinkles on his famed 46 defense. Share being the operative word.
The Ballbusters 98 Einar�s Lovable Losers 98 What league officials hoped would never happen again to avoid unwanted controversy came to pass when the surprising Einar�s Lovable Losers used all of their Owner�s dark side powers to somehow manage a tie against the heavily favored Ballbusters. Owner Steve �Darth Einar� Olsen decided to let young prot�g� Amber run the team so Einar could join the Packers in a week long hot tub party at Mark Chmura�s house. Sadly, the Einar could not enjoy the hot tub due to his black plastic wear. Amber stressed the running game and defense, two keys to gaining a championship in any league. She had the D-flex stoked to a hyper pitch as they were pounding the snot out of Ballbuster ball carriers. The Loser D-flex had its season high with Brian Dawkins (4/40) leading the way with 14 and new recruit Julius Peppers (6/50) flexing his muscles for 12. The Loser running game also played unbelievably well with the Einar out of town. Michael Pittman (2/34) had the game of his life with 3 TD�s rumbles and 28 points. However, Amber quickly became frustrated by the complex passing scheme that the Einar tried to implement over the phone. Gleeful Packers, who were busy snapping each other with towels as well as raping their baby sitters, made too much noise for the plans to get through. The Einar had saddled the team with Kurt Warner (2/4) as the starting QB. Warner failed to score on the increasingly productive Chicago Bear defense and Joe Horn (8/61) also had an off game. Nevertheless, the Losers built a nice lead on the Busters, who did not show much on Sunday. Amber�s defensive intricacies bottled up Priest Holmes (8/151) with only one TD before knocking him out of the game. Tony Gonzalez (8/66), Koren Robinson (8/39), and Isaac Bruce (8/55) did score TD�s, but the Losers maintained a 23 point lead heading into Monday night. The Buster D-flex, which is rated as the league�s worst, scored just 12 points and Mike Vanderjagt (7/48) appears to like beer more than ball busting. Just as John Madden was beginning to gesticulate his hands up and down and side to side, Darth Einar showed up and shoved Amber out of the way, pronouncing, �Only I can stop Peyton Manning (8/223).� Much like some other team, Einar had his defense blitz Manning repetitively, allowing the Buster receivers to have one-on-one matchups. Manning, who was given the gameball by Joseph, burned the Loser D at will, which caused Amber to cry because she had spent many hours, working into the wee hours of the night, in devising a scheme to slow down the league�s top scorer. Manning ended up with 33 points, when added with Marcus Robinson (1/1) bullet, offset the 18 points scored by Reggie Wayne (7/59) and Edgerrin James (7/79). Manning had his 8th straight all pro performance and is on a pace for 446 points. League records for individual scoring only go back two years, but the highest total we could find was Rich Gannon�s 292 points from 2002. On his current pace, Manning would break the scoring record with a month to spare. Despite the impressive comeback, Owner Rich Joseph did not want to settle for a tie. He challenged the single point given to Loser TE L.J. Smith, who happened to get a tackle on punt coverage. Nevertheless, the league is awaiting a ruling if a tie should remain a tie, or should go to tie breakers as had been past custom in Modano land. Just for your information, the first tie breaker had been TD�s scored, a stat taken by the Busters, 8-6. We should have confirmation on a ruling in the next week.
Brentless Brents 106 Weaselicious Cookies 71 The mental state of the Owner formerly known as Dan Weitz continued to lose its grip on reality as the increasingly unstable owner watched his team fall to cross-town rival, the Brentless Brents. Weitz, who prefers to be called Prince Ainor, was hoping that his double DD backfield would lead his team to a win. However, neither Donovan McNabb (8/148) nor Duce Staley (7/39) knew how to respond to Prince Ainor�s ramblings. Consequently, neither player scored. It wasn�t much better for the Cookie O-flex, which only combined for 7 points and caused the cuttings of both Shane McDonald (1/-1) and Eddie George (1/1), who were both making their debut. About the only player who could decipher what Prince Ainor was trying to do was K Adam Vinatieri (8/83). Vinatieri scored as many TD�s as the rest of the Cookie team in tie the all time kicker record of 22 points, set by Jeff Wilkins for the San Francisco Cubists in 2000. Vinatieri said that Prince Ainor was a refreshing change to the overbearing Weitz and hoped the Prince would stick around. Another guy who may or may not like Prince Ainor is rival Owner Steve Johnson, whose team has now beaten the Cookies six times consecutively. Johnson, who said he wouldn�t mind if a robot took over �the daily commute ....or [plucking] maybe those pesky nose hairs,� gave gameballs to �[Clinton] Portis (8/72), [Hines] Ward (8/65), and Gibril Wilson (1/16) [with each scoring an all-pro performance, the second for Portis and Ward, and the first for Wilson]. Portis gets the nod for throwing more TDs then McNabb, Ward was almost benched and came through, and Wilson came from nowhere to give my D a spark.� Wilson was the leader of a new trio of defensive players that scored a new Brent D-flex high. Could it be that Johnson should replace his D-flex every week or has he finally settled on three players that are decent? Only time will tell. Johnson said that nobody deserved his wide range of scorn in Week 9 because �I had 6 guys in double digits. I can't complain.� LaDainian Tomlinson (9/101) became the first Brent to pass the century mark for the season so Johnson nonsensically nicknamed him the �Nigerian Nightmare,� despite Portis hailing from Rosebud, Texas. Speaking of Christian Okoye, Johnson nominated the Chief, Viking, and Colt defense for the Lady Bing Award because �They make everyone look like winners.� Tom Brady (5/69) was the fourth Brent all-pro as he scored 16 points and helped the team break triple digits for the first time this year. Despite the win and the Brady All-pro day, local writer and grump Harry W. Harry said that �Johnson should have played Hasslebeck. Are you kidding me?� Another speaking of which, I really can�t stand when sports writers write, �Are you kidding me?� It�s just weak. Which reminds us, Harry�s new book is entitled, �Are you Kidding Me?� Really, the only Brent who be called disappointing was replacement K Steve Christie (1/3) who managed just three PAT�s. Overall, Johnson was happy to have the win and only be a game out of first place. He commented, �When we play like a team we are virtually unstoppable. There is no 'Big Massive T.O like Ego' in Team.� We are still conferring with linguistics experts to decode that last sentence.
San Francisco Cubists 83 County Coroners 77 For the last week, it has seemed like the weight of the world has been lifted off the shoulders of Owner Chad Nuss. For almost an entire calendar year, Nuss had been troubled by the fact that someone had sent a hitman to take care of him. With ability to sleep at night and not have to worry about whether the next day would be his last, Nuss was able to put a 100% concentrated effort on his County Coroners as they faced long time rival, the San Francisco Cubists. Nuss spent 10 minutes each day working with each of his players, giving them motivational speeches that contained aphorisms, such as �Set a goal,� �Be a man,� and �Don�t blame your gastrointestinal problems on anyone else.� It seems the only Coroner who took those lessons to heart was Trent Green (6/84) who had his second outstanding game in a row. Green had 24 points on three TD�s and has produced 54 points in two weeks. Green � taking the Nuss life lessons to heart announced, �Coach, it was I who farted.� That awful smell could not only describe the rest of the Coroner team, but also the odors emanating from the Cubist bench where backup for this week QB Brent Farf was residing. Farf was told to remain in the lockerroom after halftime because Owner Jason Moore had had enough of his harebrained antics. Farf claimed he was just trying to keep the team loose by mooning the stands, making bird calls, and singing songs from the Best of Skynyrd. Moore, when asked if Farf was back on the drugs, said, �No idea.� Replacing the inbred hillbilly moron QB was Tim Rattay (1/17) who made the most of his first appearance with a couple of TD strikes and an all pro game. To make his day even better, Moore gave Rattay the gameball. Rattay�s throwing opened up the running lanes for Dominick Davis (6/47) who had his first all pro performance since Week 1 and Jamal Lewis (6/68) who returned to the lineup with 11 points. Moore second Lewis was the second best runner after contact he�d ever seen � next to �Jim Brown.� The one thing that displeased Moore most was �Seahawks injury report claiming D-Jax was out.� Darrell �D-Jax aka K-Pax� Jackson scored a meaningless 19 points from the Cubist bench. Moore said that he would like to invent a robot that �went to work for him or cleaned his room.� More on topic, Moore commented, �Great job by Jamal Lewis to get in the end zone at the end of his game. It is amazing to me that my team, as bad as it is, is within a game of the league lead.� The 6 point win was the first Cubists win by less than 10 points since Week 5 of 2002, while the 6 point loss was the first Coroners loss by less than 10 points Week 4 of 2003.
Peaks Island Wookies 103 Syracuse 44�s 59 With his beloved Rams back from the bye, Owner John Stoer hoped his 44�s would be ready to take off for the beginning of the second half of the season. Sadly, it was not to be. The Rams were primarily held down by the Owner Will Mitchell�s favorite Patriots and the 44�s failed to score very well. Stoer was pleased by one Ram, Torry Holt (8/67) who was rested well enough to score 13 points and lead the team. No other 44 scored in double digits, but Stoer was most displeased with K David Akers (8/77) who not only scored just 3 points but also lost his kicker lead to Adam Vinatieri. The 44�s now have no lead in any category and Stoer felt he lost his team�s claim to fame. Perhaps he can invent a robot to �do the dishes� in order to restore his pride. How hard can it be? Wash, rinse, dry� David Carr (4/63) had his worst game with no TD�s and just 8 points, which made Stoer long for the days of Lady Bing nominee Donovan McNabb, who he has traded away twice. There were a few signs of hope from the 44 bench as Marc Bulger, Tyrone Wheatley, and the recently acquired Santana Moss all scored meaningless all-pro numbers. For the Wookies, it was back to the most basic Mitchell plan to grab the win: throw to the tight end early and often. Despite losing the top TE scoring rank to the Busters, the Wookies reclaimed some pride in that Antonio Gates (2/23) took home the season record for tightend play with 21 points, eclipsing Tony Gonzalez�s Week 8 record by a single point. Gates nabbed all three of Jake Delhomme�s (1/27) TD strikes. Delhomme, who was making his debut, became the third Wookie QB to achieve all-pro status, following Michael Vick and Byron Leftwich. In fact, the Wookies have had 9 different players to score all-pro numbers � the most of any team. While Delhomme and Gates were combining for 6 TD�s, the rest of the team scored but once. Deuce McAllister (5/42) crossed the goal line for 11 points. Neither of the Wookie flexes scored off the charts (18 for the offense, 19 for the defense), but they did not cause a loss either. Mitchell saw his team score in the triple digits for the second time in three weeks and has quite a bit of hope heading into the rematch season. Meanwhile, it looks like the 44�s will just be playing out the string much like famous post contact runner Earl Campbell had to do. Stoer commented while sighing, �Wookies made some nice substitutions this week (Gates for former stud Daniel Graham and Delhomme for Jeff Garcia (-1), we did not. They deserved the victory.�
Week 10 previews - Despite the frustrating one point loss to the P-Miss Envy, Owner Randy Chambers and his Bull City Biers get to rebound against the team they beaten most often, the Weaselicious Cookies. Chambers noted, �Without the Moss, I doubt we can put up another 161 on the Weasel. We're counting on the new three-headed monster to get the ball rolling again.� As many remember, in Week 1, the Biers used their new, scary name to intimidate and demoralize the Weitz clan, followed by a blow out of historic proportions. The Biers scored 12 TD�s, had four all-pros, and a league record 161 points. In Week 10, Chambers will be Randyless as both Moss and TE Randy McMichael will be out. While he hasn�t named a replacement to McMichael, he did pick up Marcus Pollard. The Cookies will also be without their starting WR, Rod Smith, and they are yet to name a third O-flex member. Although he might be one of his two new recruits, former Envy player Donte Stallworth or Lee Evans. Once the tie ruling comes through, the Ballbusters may be tied for first or a half game out. Either way, they are in good position to keep the pace as they face the down and out 44�s. The 44�s actually won in Week 1, 96-80, but have lost four of their last five. Owner John Stoer said, �We are a lousy team right now. Hopefully we can pick ourselves up and play with some pride this week.� Pride may come in the form of David Carr, but it definitely does not come in the form of returning O-flex member Dick Driver. Some 44 hope can be derived from the multitude of Busters who are not playing due to the bye, including the entire D-flex and Keenan McCardell. There are also rumors that Priest Holmes, the league�s leading RB scorer, may not play. Owner Rich Joseph may need to rely on his year�s of fantasy play to pull out a win in this one. He said, �I hope I don�t get screwed again.� Two self-proclaimed Packer fans (although why anyone would admit such a thing is beyond us) face off as the Brents tie to sweep the season series from the Losers. Darth Einar gave Amber all the responsibility in Week 9, but she could not come up with a win � there will certainly be repercussions. Einar should welcome back all of his Packers, but will still need to replace on the bye K Jason Elam. The Losers lost their first four and won their next four, so are four ties in a row in order? Owner Steve Johnson said, �Hate to start the 2nd half beating up a fellow fan, but that's the plan.� His team is also hurt by the last byes of the year as he will be without LaDainian Tomlinson and Ashley Lelie. Johnson introduces the league to Derrick Blaylock and returns Matt Hasslebeck (to Harry�s credit), Chris Brown, Onterrio Smith, and Keith Brooking to the lineup. The only team to have won its last two games is Owner Perry Missner�s P-Miss Envy. Missner looked over the lineup sheet and said, �It used to be that playing the Coroners on the Raiders bye week was something to look forward to. However, with Chad Nuss�s burgeoning multiculturism, he brings more of a threat than ever. Trent Green is probably the league�s second hottest QB and we will never underestimate Curtis Martin (especially with Quincy Carter as the Jets QB).� The Envy were able to take care of business in Week 1 by a 85-68 margin, but the team is almost invincible when its owner is in Indonesia. The Envy have never swept the Coroners in a season, but they hope that new starter Johnny Morton will neutralize Green a bit and Ben Roethlisberger continues to play like a seasoned veteran. Owner Chad Nuss will have some holes to fill before the weekend as TE Doug Jolley, RB Reuben Droughns, and DL Steve Foley are out on the bye. Nuss will also be without Michael Strahan who ripped his pec last week. In the fifth and final game of the week, Owner Jason Moore once again succumbs to temptation by playing that dunce QB Brent Farf rather than a more able bodied person. Farf only scored 10 points against the Wookies in Week 1, but the team still scored a 99-60 win. The Cubists last swept the Wookies in 2001. Kevan Barlow and Darrell Jackson return to the lineup from scoring double digits on the bench. Moore noted, �I never thought I'd say this, but thank God Antonio Gates is on the bye." Yes, the Wookies will be without their most surprising weapon, Gates, but this could be the week that Daniel Graham reclaims the starting slot. Owner Will Mitchell also returns Jimmy Smith to the lineup.
----------------------------------Everything�s Better on Wednesday Afternoon Press------------------------