County Coroners 92 Syracuse 44�s 77 At long last, a break occurred in the investigation of the assassination attempt on Owner Chad Nuss. Oddly enough, the entire situation started in the famed Snow Bowl game in which the Raiders lost to the Patriots on a weak �tuck rule� call. This call infuriated Nuss at the time and continues to cause him to curl up in a ball and sob uncontrollably when mentioned. In the next year, Nuss started writing letters to the NFL, the dairy industry, his senators and congressmen, prominent lawyers, and even the Pope in order to learn how and why this miscarriage of justice had been brought about. Most of his letters were discarded immediately, but one letter to Senator Barbara Boxer was passed around the Senate floor due to the creative use of curse words formulated by Nuss. When Boxer showed the letter to Massachusetts junior Senator John Kerry, the future presidential candidate did not laugh like the rest of the senators. Kerry blanched, and quickly left the Senate building. This incident was forgotten by most, but when Nuss�s team of investigators learned about it from a senate page, they knew they were on to something. The big break came when the investigators found scraps of internal memoranda that indicated that Kerry had promised to put referee Walt Coleman on the short list for the Secretary of Health and Human Services post when Kerry became president as well as a lifetime�s worth of ketchup in exchange for a Patriots� win �by any means necessary.� Coleman won the game for the Patriots and no one was the wiser until Nuss�s investigators uncovered the connecting memoranda. When Kerry was apprised of the situation, he ordered the hit on Nuss � a fact that confirmed by Eugene Chung�s wife, Agnes. Nuss, as is his way, subsequently wrote another letter to the USA Today (among other papers) with a copy of the memoranda that clearly implicated Kerry in the scandal and the attempted hit. The story was picked up by Reuters and the news broke just as the American populace was preparing to vote. While polls had showed Kerry and President George W. Bush even just hours before the election, the Snow Bowl scandal swung the vote toward the GOP. In his concession speech, a crestfallen and craggy faced Kerry said, �I was just trying do use my influence to do some good in the world. No one wanted to see the Raiders win and the Patriots had not yet won a Super Bowl yet. I was wrong and I admit it, but I still thought the majority of this great nation was not Jesus freaks, gun nuts, and rich people without a social conscious. I guess I was wrong again.� With the elimination of the threat a second attempt on his life, Nuss was able to get back to things he enjoys most, namely prodding his Coroners into another 8-9 season against the Syracuse 44�s. Nuss gave special attention to the passing game and was rewarded when Trent Green (5/60) doubled his season point total. Green�s best target was first time starter Keyshawn Johnson (1/18) who received the ball when demanded and scored his first all pro game in many a year. Owner John Stoer�s 44�s were also led by a QB-WR combo. David Carr (3/55) gave his second all-pro performance in three starts and targeted Marvin Harrison (7/67) for his second straight all-pro game and his first gameball. With Carr and Harrison scoring 46% of the team�s points, there were a lot of substandard performances. Stoer, who doesn�t like it when people he meets �act important,� gave a particularly scornful look to Dick Driver (2/12), who he should have known better to have put in his lineup. Jerry Porter (4/12) also was struck down by the Coroner curse. Driver and Porter had twin three point performances, which reminded Stoer of �the Jensen Bros in tennis.� Down by 8 points heading into Monday night, Nuss had John Abraham (3/26) and Curtis Martin (7/105) yet to play. Abraham scored 10 to give the Coroners the win and Martin put the cherry on top with 13. Somehow, the Coroners were able to equal their win total from 2003 despite playing without a kicker. Stoer, on just the 44�s third loss to the Coroners in 12 meetings, commented, �Congrats to the Coroners. They outplayed us in every facet other than the kicking game,� then he toddled off to get some sleep.
Einar�s Lovable Losers 89 Peaks Island Wookies 84 Oh, this has been a glorious week for Owner Steve �Darth Einar� Olsen. Argh, this has been a terrible week for Owner Will Mitchell. Darth Einar, who receives a poor first impression when he sees someone has �a John Kerry Bumper sticker,� has his forces of evil on the rise. First, Darth brokered a deal between the Green Bay Packers and Mephistopheles to allow the Packers to win a few games in exchange for their souls. With the Packers clearly soulless, Darth went on to cheer President George W. Bush to reelection. With genuine relish and wickedness, Darth Einar grinned as he noted that not only had Bush won but the Republicans had gained seats in the Senate and the House. �Oh yes,� trilled the Einar, �we have finally done it. Now, we can make school prayer an unlegislatable law, further blur the line between church and state, eliminate the NEA, NPR, and public television as well as making sure that Bert and Ernie are never allowed marry.� This statement caused prot�g� Amber to cry. Why the Einar, and the majority of the country, want these things is something we�ll never know, but there is one thing that is clear, Darth has his Losers on the right track. The Losers opened the season with four consecutive losses, a streak that the Einar blamed on September 11th and its devastating effects. Using the full provisions of the Patriot Act, the Einar was able to boost his team�s performance in the last month. In Week 8, Darth held practice with the majority of the team, while Amber tutored a small cadre of players. Amber�s players included Reggie Wayne (6/52) who had his second all-pro game of the year with 19 and Brian Dawkins (3/26) who led the defense with 12. Amber also tried to work with Ahole �Put it on the� Green (8/91), but his profuse sweating caused her to back away in disgust. Meanwhile, the Einar worked exclusively with Bubba Franks (6/23) who did not score and was given the dark side choke hold for his performance. Kurt �Han Solo� Warner (1/4) gave a subpar performance while relating to the Rebel Alliance and was put into carbon hold. While the Einar was yucking it up with his evil pals and becoming the first team to win four in a row, Mitchell was trying to cobble together a mismatched band of protestors. The Wookies were led by David �Chewey� Givens (4/39) who, like the swing states of Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, was given the gameball. The Wookies also received laser crossbow shots from Rudi Johnson (6/63), Eric Moulds (7/56), and the collective D-flex, which combined for 29 points � a Wookie season high. Unfortunately, Mitchell was plagued with �coach�s remorse and a kick in my own ass for the Vick/Gates benching fiasco.� Vick and Gates combined for 43 points and Kevin Jones had 8 points from the bench to boot. Mitchell has also observed the downward trend in performances from TE Daniel �Grahmbo� Graham (7/45) who suffered his first nil of the season. Mitchell also had problems stomaching the �Pats vs. the overrated Steelers.� With all of the awful events during the past week, it was easy to forget that just a week before Mitchell had been �crying a river of tears of joy [because of the Red Sox win over the Yankees]. Good over evil. Figured that meant Bush would be handily booted, but it appears that nightmare will go on. Guess I need to become socially conservative and get rich somehow.� We suggest owning a company that gets no-bid contracts in Iraq then fixing an election to become the vice president to a dim-witted moron.
Bull City Biers 110 Brentless Brents 81 In the past 2+ seasons, Owner Randy Chambers has seen many contenders to his throne come and gone. Last season, he was forced to share to championship with the Ballbusters, and this year Owner Steve Johnson had hoped to get his name etched on the trophy. The Brentless Brents were at one time the envy of the league with their bountiful running attack. However, the early season promise of a wide set of all-pro runners has quickly descended into a season of confusion for the Brents. No one can put a finger on exactly when the team�s unity started to fray, but sometime during the last three weeks, the Brents have had more bickering than is common for a team that is led by a disciplinarian the likes of Johnson. Perhaps it is the fact that Johnson has been unable to settle on a starting QB and a feature RB � a fact written at length about in Harry W�s latest piece in the local rag. Harry wrote, �Clearly, whoever put this team together had an idea of how to win a championship. However, the in game decisions are ludicrous and the half time interviews with Owner Johnson are not filled with interest. Johnson needs to choose between being a GM and a coach. It�s clear that he can�t handle both.� The piece went on for 27 more pages. When asked about the mysterious and voluminous Harry, Johnson simply quipped, �[it annoys me when he] puts on this obviously fake facade and tries to be my best friend.� Their face to face meetings must be quite different than the point of view Harry tries to put across in the paper. Johnson was cheered by gameball earning Chris Brown (8/86) who �came through, fighting an injury to have [his third] all pro day, but everyone else [was simply not good]. No one stepped up. LT (8/91) should have destroyed Oakland, Wiggins (2/3) should have stepped in for Moss, and the Meweldi (4/38) experiment ends badly....faaa.� Tom Brady (4/53) had an average game with 12, but the Brent D-flex scored a Brent high of 23 and held down the Bier/Viking combo allowing Johnson to �Sleep soundly knowing all is right in the world..and be glad I'm not sleeping in Boston amid a riot.� Chambers did not give credit to the Brent D for holding Daunte Culpepper (7/184) and Randy Moss (7/72) to just six points, but he stated, �The Vikings medical staff is an embarrassment. Where is Doctor Morgan?!!� This statement caused an immediate response by the Vikings, �Who is this Doctor Morgan that Chambers speaks of? Our trainer�s name is Chuck Berta and he is the finest trainer in the land. Chambers will just have to be patient as hamstring injuries, especially for those as wussy as Randy Moss, do not heal over night.� Chambers actually once met Berta but the Vikings head trainer left a bad impression on the Biers Owner because he �offered up that he thought W was a good president. Or smart. Or decent. Or humane.� Fortunately for Chambers, the Biers boasted a depth in Week 8 that had not been seen before. Shaun Alexander (7/112) led the team with his 4th all pro game and 25 points. When he trotted off the field, he was ably replaced by Tiki Barber (6/106) who had his 6th all pro game and 18 points. Seeing the play of the two featured Bier runners, Johnson exclaimed, �We are just not as good a team as the Biers. They gave us an opening and we couldn't come through, while others performed for him. I thought it would be close and then saw they had Rod Gardner. Rod Gardner!?� Yes, Rod Gardner (5/27) caught two sweet TD�s against the Packers (see, Steve, that�s what you get for rooting for them) and surprised everyone with 14 points. On Monday night, the Biers� special teams (Randy McMichael (8/52) and Doug Brien (1/11)) caused Chambers to �stay up past midnight, which is for me not right, night after long night. It was, for this O's fan, a beautiful sight.� McMichael and Brien set Bier highs at their positions and reminded Chambers of the greatest set of Twins in sports history: �Jack Morris and Kirby "The Molester" Puckett. 1991. Grittier than the Frank Viola 1987 edition.� Despite all of the fine performances on the field, Chambers decided to provide the gameball to �the scout team. Plumber (33 points), the Bus (10), Mado Williams (12) and Plaxico (16) prepared us so well during practice, they could have won the game without the starters. Their great practice work gave Tiki, Shaun and Rod Gardner great looks so they could each have big games.� Despite the win, the team may have to move from Bull City because Chambers announced, �If by the time this is published, Kerry is not president, I'm following Jamo to Canada... and not coming back. Go Argonauts!� A blue Johnson said that he was going to cheer himself up by hanging out with �those Hung girls from Cirque de Sole. When they are all hanging and......then bend around like...�
The Ballbusters 136 Weaselicious Cookies 83 Nobody, and we mean no-bo-dy, gets blown out like Owner Dan Weitz and his Weaselicious Cookies. When one looks at the annals of Modano history, one will see that the majority of lopsided have come at the expense of the Cookies. This season alone, the Cookies have allowed 100+ points 5 times (as well as an average of 109.38 ppg) and getting ever closer to the Coroners 2003 record of 8 100+ point games allowed. Perhaps that could be a contributing factor in the declining mental health of Weitz, which caused Dr. Van Nostrand to provide this note: �Dr Van Nostrand here again giving you the weekly update on Ainor. Ainor is most definitely the dominant personality as Mr. Weitz is being suppressed due to his team�s inconsistent play again and again. Only Jesus can save Mr. Weitz now. Here is the Ainor for your interview.� Just like the polarizing opposites are fighting the war to gain control of Weitz, the Cookies had hoped that the Ballbusters main guns would destroy each other as Peyton Manning (7/190) faced Priest Holmes (7/142) and Tony Gonzalez (7/52). Instead of bottling each other up, the Busters� trio of keepers inspired each other. Take that, dissension! The three set a keeper record with 91 points and 10 TD�s. Gonzalez earned the gameball because �anytime a TE scores 20, he deserves it!� Gonzalez now holds the league standard for TE scoring for every Modano year except 1998 and 2003 (both held by lithping Shannon Sharpe). Peyton Manning continued his 100% all pro season with 42 points and Holmes did not disappoint with 29 points of his own. Manning passed Culpepper as the league�s top scorer. Just like when the Red Sox beat the Yankees and the World Series (against somebody, but I forget who), Owner Rich Joseph was going to commemorate the event by �saving all the newspapers and I am going to make a huge collage this winter!� That sounds very pretty to Joseph much like �the gentle bouncing of Mia Hamm�s bosom.� With the three keepers doing the majority of the heavy lifting, the rest of the team quietly filled in the blanks, which isn�t surprising since the Busters have the no. 1 rated QB, RB, and TE positions, but are dead last in WR, O-flex, and D-flex. The D-flex had a good day with 24 points, but the O-flex only had 12, providing ample reason to cut O-flex members Chester Taylor (2/7) and Brad Hoover (1/1). Another guy who may be saying anyonghaseo (hello in Korean) to the waiver wire is WR Korean Robinson (7/31) who left Joseph with a bad impression on the first day of training camp by �coming off as a BS�er.� Being beaten by three players going nuts is not so bad unless you, like Weitz/Ainor, are going nuts yourself. Ainor began tearing his hair out and awarding a gameball to �the Chiefs and Colts for not being able to play defense.� While the Ainor doesn�t care for people who are �too aggressive, I'm a passive person by nature,� he was able to criticize Corey Dillon (6/37) for his injured status: �take some vicadin and play you mommy�s boy.� However Rod Smith (8/57) and Jason Witten (7/41) reminded the Ainor of two of his favorite twins, �The Hamm brothers they are my idols just like the Einar.� Speaking of his conservative idol, Ainor commented, �Oh well another loss for the Ainor - take the week off team you have been working to hard. Let's all go to the Einar�s for pedicures and aroma therapy.� Joseph just shook his head at what has become of the once proud Weitz.
The P-Miss Envy 90 San Francisco Cubists 60 Everyone knows that Owner Jason Moore is bold. Some may even call him brave. But there is something that strikes fear into the deepest core of Moore�s being � Steve �Pear� McNair. As Owner Perry Missner said, in awarding McNair the gameball, �Whether it was the menacing way that McNair held his clipboard or the threatening oaths he chanted at the Cubists, it is clear that Jamo Fears McNair.� It was as if Moore�s fright permeated his entire Cubists team and caused them to play tentatively. This fear was most clearly evident in the play of inbred, hillbilly moron QB Brent Farf (8/121). Farf had trouble keeping Cubists straight from Shawn Springs and threw to both equally often. WR Terrell Owens (7/98) snatched an errant Farf throw and managed to score a TD. Moore handed the gameball to TO, but was severely unhappy with his �the #$@% offensive flex,� which combined to score 4 points. TE Eric Johnson (1/0), who along with Brian Urlacher were the only players the ESPN commentators knew the names of Sunday night, had an inauspicious debut. Speaking of ESPN commentators, let me tell you something, Dominick Davis (5/30) did not return from injury full force. And I�ll tell you what, Nate Kaeding (3/31) does not seem to be the antidote for the Cubists kicking game, which happens to be tied with the Wookies as the league�s worst (5 ppg). Listening to Paul Maguire, Joe Theisman and the other guy talk for three hours was like �splitting a 1.25 litre bottle of vodka with five friends,� which was what Jamo did after the Red Sox won, then finding out that your friends �talk too much.� While �there used to be many ways [to give Owner Perry Missner a bad first impression], I have become more tolerant of not reading a book by its cover, but chewing tobacco is just nasty.� Which is why it was so jarring when Fred Taylor (7/52) entered the lockerroom with a big wad between his cheek and gum. Taylor promptly settled for a zilch and caused Missner to exclaim �I just knew when I cut Greg Jones that Taylor would hurt himself. Sure enough. I knew it, but it is still disappointing.� Another disappointment came when for the second week in a row, an Envy member was hurt in the opening minutes of the first quarter. Last week was McNair, this week was Thomas Jones (7/52), who went out with a sprained foot. Jones and Taylor�s twin zeroes reminded Moore of his favorite set of twins: �the Coors Light girls,� but Missner thought of another set of twins: �Ho and Harvey Grant � what was interesting is how different they turned out as players in the NBA. Harvey was a soft, jump shooter, while Ho won championships as an enforcer/rebounder type.� Yes, that is interesting. On the plus side, the Envy running game was not completely grounded as Willis McGahee (3/29) stepped up with 18 � his first ever all-pro game. The Envy D-flex continued its run at the top of the league standings with a 25 point performance, led by Brian Urlacher (5/61) who has scored in double digits in every game he has played in. The game was salted away on Monday night as Chad Pennington (6/86) scored a season best 25 and allowed Missner to retire to �a bowl of clam chowder and to start looking forward to next year�s fantasy baseball season.� A content Missner commented, �It came down to TD�s [Envy 5, Cubists 2] as it usually does. Jamo�s fine team was down some significant players, but my team came through nicely. I think he should have benched Farf to have a better chance to win, but that�s just me.� Moore, whose team fell back to .500 and two games from the lead, grumbled, �Only three offensive players showed up to play, and the Envy had two of them. I am disgusted.�
Week 9 previews - Ah, Week 9, the one week in which the winner gets bragging rights for an entire year rather than having to face the team another time in the second half of the season. The league leading Bull City Biers hit the road to take on the P-Miss Envy. Owner Perry Missner looked at the lineup sheet and said, �Gulp. Vikings playing Colts � not good. We are scrambling at the flex and will need some supreme luck to knock off the league�s top team and bring this race some flava.� The Biers swept the series in 2003 and 2001, but were swept by the Envy in their first championship year of 2002. The series is tied 6. The Envy welcome back Donte Stallworth from earlier in the season and Anthony Thomas from previous years. The Biers are still hoping for a healthy Randy Moss (or �Puss� as Missner calls him), and paged, �Calling Dr. Morgan. Calling Dr. Morgan.� If Moss can not go, more of the offensive burden falls on Michael Clayton, while Ken Lucas makes his debut for the league�s lowest rated D-flex (tied with the Busters). The Busters should be able to continue to claim second (or a share first if the Biers should lose) as they take on the Pecker-less Losers. The Busters swept the season series in 2003 by a 43 point margin, and Owner Rich Joseph said, �Feeling pretty lucky to be in 2nd right now, hopefully Isaac Bruce will fit in this week!� Bruce, who came over in a trade for Santana Moss, joins Marcus Robinson as new O-flex members, while Kenoy Kennedy makes his debut on the D-flex side. Owner Steve �Darth Einar� Olsen noted, �Half my team is on a bye!� but he had Amber working extra hard with the non-Packer/Losers to get the team ready for its 5th consecutive win. While the Einar has not named replacements yet, we should see Aaron Brooks, Joe Horn, Michael Pittman, and Julius Peppers in the lineup. The Einar will have to pickup a new TE as well. Good luck with all of that. The five teams that are locked at 4-4 include the Weaselicious Cookies and Brentless Brents, who face off in Week 9. Owner Dan Weitz, who has devolved into the Ainor, whipped his head around frantically and shouted, �Steve Johnson, do I know you? Are you the guy who's best friends with that reporter fella Harry w. Harry? I like that Harry he's very informative.� He truly is crazy. The Brents hold a 7-2 series advantage and haven�t lost to the Cookies since 2000 � a span of 5 straight wins. Ashley Lelie and Brandon Stokely return to the Brent lineup with Chris Brown on bye and Mewelde Moore ineffective. Marcus Trufant and Gibril Wilson make their debuts for the Brent D-flex. Owner Steve Johnson, whose team has lost 3 in a row (its longest losing streak since dropping five in 2001), said mysteriously, �I can't comment on another team until I act.� Eddie George returns to the Cookies lineup and the Cookies� original D-flex is back for Week 9. The fifth and final 4-4 team, the San Francisco Cubists, take on their cross-bay rival, County Coroners, who are only a game behind them in the standings. Despite holding an 8-3 edge in the series, the Cubists have only managed to split the matchups in the last two years. In a move that has been needed for weeks, Owner Jason Moore has benched QB Brent Farf � who may or may not be on a bye � and replaced him with Tim Rattay, who is trying to come back from a forearm injury as well as a mangled groin. Other returning faces in the Cubist lineup are Lee Suggs �not drugs� and Ronde Barber. The Coroners, the only team not to provide lockerroom coverage in Week 8, return Adrian Wilson and Muhsin Muhammed to the lineup. They will also be making use of the service of Phil Dawson, who is not on the bye this week. Finally, two of the three 3-5 teams match up to see who can escape the basement. A depressed Owner Will Mitchell will make a statement for gay rights when he starts Jeff Garcia for the first time this season. Antonio Gates replaced the suddenly flagging Daniel �Grambo� Graham and Eugene Wilson is back on the D-flex. The Wookies lead the series 5-4 and earned a split with the 44�s in 2003, including a 104.5-27 whitewashing in Week 10. The Rams are back in town for the 44�s, so Marshall Faulk and Torry Holt grace the lineup. Stoer commented, �Our lone matchup with the Wookies should be an interesting affair. Hopefully I can get more than two players to show up in the same week.�
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