San Francisco Cubists 110 Bull City Biers 83 Owner Randy Chambers had raised an eyebrow when he heard that rival Owner Jason Moore was taking a trip up to our great white, northern neighbor just before the Biers and Cubists faced off. Chambers noted, �I knew Jamo's trip to Canada would bring back big payoff. Must be the cheap drugs.� While most people thought Moore�s trip was to scout the next Doug Flutie or perhaps Lawrence Phillips (0/0), Chambers could not have known how right he was about the cheap drugs. Moore loaded up on any little white pill he could find and just happened to find the one that suited his QB�s needs to a tee. Usually, inbred hillbilly moron QB Brent Farf (7/113) is filled with inane questions that fill Moore�s dream day of 10-6PM (�Sleep in a little but still get out of work earlier than I have in ten years�) with headaches. Moore knew he needed something to dull the pain, so he brought back several pails worth of generic brand Vicodin. Instead of Farf asking what kind of crazy fake he should make after handing the ball off, the drugs dulled Farf�s senses to a point that he was more zombie-like than anything else. With the idiot under control through a John Bonham-sized dose of barbiturates, Moore took control of his team and found TD�s galore at his beck and call. Terrell Owens (6/86), the league�s leading WR, led the charge with 2 more TD�s and 19 points. He celebrated each TD by mock-farting and blowing the wind at Chambers. Lee Suggs (3/24), Darrell Jackson (5/39), and David Patten (2/21) emulated Chuck Muncie, Wes Chandler, and Charlie Joiner because Chargers are so hard to hate: �No championships, and Air Coryell was awesome.� Only TE Alge Crumpler (7/32) displeased Moore with a one point performance. Even the Cubist D-flex came to play as Ronde Barber (2/15) who has some history in this series scored 11 and Keith Bulluck (7/44) had 14. The Cubists defense also apparently scared Biers� WR Randy Moss (6/72) out of the game. Although Moss suited up to continue his lame streak of having played in all his games, Chambers deflected blame from his petulant WR by giving a cross look to the �The Vikings trainer. If the Red Sox can use a cadaver to put ol' man Schilling on the mound, why cain't the Vikes sew up young Mr. Moss?� We think it had something to do with Moss losing is M.O. and adding a P.U. Puss. Without its catalyst, the Bier offense had an off day. Daunte Culpepper (6/178), the league�s leading scorer by 30 points, was not good with just 12 and Shaun Alexander (6/87) couldn�t find the endzone. It�s at the other end of the field, dummy. There were a few high notes for the Biers, even on a sour day. Randy McMichael (7/40) had his best day of the year with 11 points and is quickly climbing toward the #1 TE ranking. To Chambers, McMichael is just like the Bengals: �Just plain lovable.� Tiki Barber (6/88) continued to be sensational with his 5th all pro game of 16, but the gameball went to Michael Clayton (1/10) because the �rook gets in the end zone in his debut.� Who was that against anyway? Argh. All in all, for Chambers, the numbers just didn�t add up, much like his preferred workday: �I'm quite good with my current 10-4 schedule. I get 8 hours of work in, with time for a nap in the middle.� That must be some sort of compressed time they use on that East Coast. With the loss, Chambers, who apparently enjoys the Who (but not so much with the Guess Who), felt like Keith Moon was banging on cabeza. Chambers stated, �Like I say time-and-again. The Cubists are still the measuring stick, even in a down year.� That down year now has the Cubists only one game behind the Biers with an edge in the tie-breaker. Moore went to an unusual source for his kudos, �Thanks to the media for reminding us we had gone two seasons without beating the Biers. This was a great performance by the team, and probably the first time we have ever started four WRs... of course, if Moss had been healthy we probably would have lost.� Of course, that�s something we�ll never know because Puss wasn�t healthy.
The Ballbusters 89 Brentless Brents 74 It seems like we�ve been around this block before with Owner Steve Johnson and his Brentless Brents. The closer they get to the top of the standings, the harder it is for them to stay there. Just a sniff of first place causes Johnson and his players to panic and start thinking the endzone is more like the forbidden zone. To get his players in the mood for the clash against the Ballbusters, Johnson had greatest drummer of the rock era, �Buddy Rich! Come on...its Buddy Rich!� The only problem was that Johnson�s secretary misheard him and sent the invitation to Buddy Ryan. Ryan, the developer of the 46 influence, had never played the drums before, but tried his darnedest to give the Brents an earful. It was awful and set the tone for the Brents play. Johnson commented, �Last week revisited. No one gets the gameball since no one stepped up. We needed a good game from someone and got nothing. Moore was the closest but won't get one until he gets past the stripe.� Mewelde Moore (3/35) had put up double digits in all three of his appearances, but amazingly has not scored a TD. He just loves to run out of bounds like another Viking puss. Moore reminded Johnson of �the Bengals. They are always crap so no one really expects much from them. You never like them, but feel sorry for them and can't hate them.� Moore was second on the team in scoring behind QB Tom Brady (3/41). LaDainian Tomlinson (7/81) and Chris Brown (7/70) combined for just 11 points and the yearlong problem at TE was not solved by Jermaine Wiggins (1/2). All of these problems did not escape the attention of one Brentless local beat writer, Harry, who commentated, �While we can praise the Lord above that Johnson the Genius did not misuse the bench because no one that didn�t play scored. However, if I were Johnson � and I am not, but just to make a point, let�s say I was � I would cut Tatum Bell, Quentin Griffith, and Onterrio Smith and get some real players in there. Those guys are � and pardon my common gutter tongue � sucky.� The piece went on for seventeen more pages. While the Brents were flailing away, one could put his thumb over the Busters boxscore and think they had a really awful day. Even Brent Farf could use his limited knowledge of numbers to count up how many points most of the Busters had. Yes, seven of the eleven Busters had three points or less, which makes it all the more remarkable that they were able to win. Owner Rich Joseph gave the gameball to �Priest [Holmes (6/113)] baby........4 td's!� and said that Peyton Manning (6/148) had the rhythm offense humming like a Neil Pert (from Rush) drum solo. Joseph who likes to start his day early and work long, �6-3....have a good part of the day left for fun!� said that �Indy� was hard for most NFL fans to hate because �ya gotta love Peyton!� Zach Thomas (7/58) also chipped in 10 points, even though the Busters have the league�s worst D-Flex (15.71 ppg) and O-Flex (15.14 ppg), for that matter. A disappointed Johnson, who had to be at work at 8AM the next morning, claimed, �There's no way I'm a morning person and love to stay up late, so noon to 8pm would work great for me.� Also, �If you�re going to lose to 2 guys, Peyton and Priest are the ones to lose to.�
Weaselicious Cookies 111 Peaks Island Wookies 101 While in many ways, 2004 is turning out much like 2003 did for Owner Dan Weitz, it seems that the weight of the preceding years losing upon more losing has taken a toll on Weitz�s sanity. Some people considered it insane when Weitz ceded the team to his eldest daughter, Amber. Others could see the first flicks of madness in Weitz�s eyes when that same Amber broke from the Cookies to join Weitz�s arch nemesis Darth Einar. Yet it seems, the last vestiges of Weitz were lost this past weekend. A team of psychiatrists, led by the renowned Dr. Van Nostrand, took Weitz into observation and provided the media with the following statement: �I'm very sorry to report but Mr. Weitz has taken a drastic turn for the worse. Due to the shocking events of yesterday�s Cowboy loss to the Peckers, Mr. Weitz's personality has split. Dan now has a battle waging between 2 very dominating but very opposite personalities. The first is the foul-mouthed, Pecker hating, Einar beating, Boob-lovin� Dan that we all know and love. The second one is very astonishing: he never curses, wears a lot of green and yellow clothing (which is very ugly in my opinion), enjoys Queer Eye, and has an almost sick man-love for the Einar and wants to be addressed as Ainor. Because of yesterday's events Ainor is now running the show. Personally I like the Ainor much better (despite the ugly clothing), he�s much more civil and responds to treatment more willingly. With that said I'm going to have the Ainor answer any questions you may have.� With Ainor in control and no chance of censure, QB Donovan McNabb (6/135) felt comfortable enough to return to his early season success and had four TD�s leading to 34 points. While McNabb considered himself a shoo-in for the gameball, Ainor thought otherwise: �The whole team �wowed� me - everyone gets a gameball. There are no losers on this team only winner-challenged.� Ainor was reminded of �That little drummer boy from X-mas. He rocks.� Other wowwers included Chris Chambers (5/30) who had his first all pro performance (and only the second Cookie to have an all pro game) and Jason Witten (6/30) who had his best game. The Cookies also received a rash of 7�s from Corey Dillon (5/27), Warrick Dunn (5/24), Adam Vinatieri (6/53), and Derrick Brooks (7/58). The Ainor listed his favorite work hours as an homage, �I'm like my hero the Einar: I don�t work, I provide service to others.� Coming off of three wins over three of the league�s top teams, one would think the Wookies would have cooled off, but Owner Will Mitchell�s boys actually had their best day of the season. Byron Leftwich (2/51) and Deuce McAllister (4/31) both had their second consecutive all pro games and the Wookie O-flex had its best day, led by Jimmy Smith (6/46) and Rudi Johnson (6/48). Yet, the Wookies became the third team to score 100 or more and lose this season (following the 44�s 107-108 defeat to the Cookies, and the Einar�s 103-109 to the Biers). The one obvious low factor was TE Daniel Graham (6/45) who only had one point in his worst game of the season. As the game closed, the Ainor came close to Mitchell and said, �Good match, Wookies. I would shake your hand, but I might catch something.�
Syracuse 44�s 93 P-Miss Envy 92 This game was billed as the battle of the Tipping Point. Over the 5+ years of recorded Modano Mi Hermano history, both the 44�s and Envy have seen good and bad times. All of those times equaled out and both teams boasted an even .500 record after 108 battles. After Week 7, one team would see its overall record surge over the halfway point and the other team was in for a plunge into the 40�s. Owner Perry Missner knew his team would have to control the 44/Rams and he was relying on Dave Wannstedt. Surprisingly, Wanny came through, for the most part. The Rams managed just two TD�s both of which were attributed to Marc Bulger (5/75). Bulger scraped together 19 points for his second all pro game, but more damaging were that both of his TD tosses went to Marvin Harrison (6/48) who broke out an early season funk to score 16. Stoer claimed Bulger was an inspiration, just like �the one-armed Def Leppard drummer, I mean how does he master the intricacies of a song like 'Pour Some Sugar On Me' with just the one arm? You'd think it can't be done, but done it can be.� Seeing the early four TD�s go on the board, Missner � who thinks �Stewart Copeland of the Police is my favorite. I think more is asked of a drummer in a three-piece band and Copeland really fills the music� � knew he would have to get some scores. An early score came from Sammy Morris (1/11) who was making his debut. Morris also controlled the ball to keep the Rams off the field. A little later, Thomas Jones (5/71) found pay dirt for the first time in weeks, but that was all the TD�s the early games would yield for the Envy. Early disappointment came from the poor play of QB Steve �Air� McNair who had been rescued from Darth Einar, but it appears the damage had already been done. Missner lamented, �I thought Steve McNair was a man. Bruised sternum? Difficulty breathing? His biomechanical implants should have compensated for those small matters. Has he learned nothing since he was away?� Obviously, McNair has been affected by the dark side and will need some time to find his balance and use the force in the proper way. McNair was sentenced to relax from �1-9PM. I had the whole morning to do whatever I wanted. Now, I guess 10-6PM wouldn�t be bad. I could get a bit more sleep and not be home too late.� Missner, however, could not hold onto to sore feelings toward McNair � he compared his old QB to �the Cardinals are pretty hard to hate because they are just so lousy. I didn�t like that they helped the Packers into the playoffs last year, but that wasn�t their fault � it was that the Vikings are stupid.� Both D-flexes came to play. The Envy D-Flex put up crazy numbers with a 36, led by Terrell Suggs� (1/17) all pro debut. Brian Urlacher (4/47) continued to put up his weekly solid numbers. For the 44 D-flex, two out of three ain�t bad as Capt Dan Morgan (6/50) earned the gameball with a steady 14 and Ray Lewis (6/50) scored nine. Like the underperforming Gregg Ellis (1/1), Stoer had no bad feelings, much like �the New Orleans Saints are about the only team I can't find a solid reason to dislike. Everyone else, from poor ownership to crappy fans, from geographic issues to annoying players, from too much success to too much hype, has a basis for hatred.� Speaking of hatred, Stoer is suffering the curse of Wesley Walls at �My TE position. Even if Heap can't play again, he's starting this week because I'm tired of littering my roster with crappy TE's who can't score a point.� The crappy TE this week almost cost the 44�s the game. On Monday night, the 44�s held a 17 point lead with Jeb Putzier (2/9) � who had started and scored a TD for the Envy just one week before � against Chad Johnson (6/43). Putzier, ever the loyal guy, did not score against the team that gave him his first opportunity to play. Meanwhile, Johnson received a gameball because Missner �turned on the Monday Night game and saw his TD. That gave me reason to believe I could win. Chad was the only one who made me believe.� Johnson ended up one point short or giving the Envy a sweet comeback tie, and two points short of a win. Missner said, �Despite being out-TD�ed, we made it close, so I wasn�t that disappointed by the one point loss. We held the Rams down to two TD�s, but Marvin ran free. Our D is coalescing into a fine, fine unit. We�ll have our day.� Stoer commented truthfully, �I wouldn't say that this 2004 season has held much luck for the 44's, but, plain and simple, we got lucky this week. If Steve McNair's bionics hadn't malfunctioned, and he had played up to his usual bionic self, we would have lost by a substantial margin. Although we are still putting too many 0's on the board from key positions, we'll gladly take a win wherever we can get it.� He then added that he was going to institute �a 7:30am- 3:30pm day so I can get home to see my Oprah. She tells it like it is.�
Einar�s Lovable Losers 94 County Coroners 43 At long last, the nearly year long investigation into why someone tried to do away with Owner Chad Nuss is nearing its completion. Nuss and his team of investigators were able to trace their KGB source and learn that Eugene Chung was just a patsy in a scheme that involved world leaders, the dairy industry, and the LAPD. How do all these pieces fit together? It is not our place to provide the details exactly, but Nuss has his leads and the person who has provided the lion�s share of the knowledge has been a very surprising source: Oakland Raiders Owner Al Davis. The NFL�s renegade owner had always had a fondness for Nuss, perhaps due to the beer revenues Nuss has brought in while watching games at the Black Hole. Davis had met Nuss investigators several times, but each time he was in disguise. The investigators also received anonymous tips that turned out to be from Davis. Unfortunately, due to Nuss�s following of various leads, he was unable to be with his team during the week or during the game. Hence, he only made superficial changes to the lineup and the team�s performance dropped by nearly 80 points. In fact, the Coroners were unable to score any TD�s, which was surprising because they had a QB who led his team to 56 points. Despite the Chiefs� offensive outpouring, QB Trent Green (4/30) scored just 8 points, but that was enough to lead the team. Boo Williams (6/8) continued his awful play with a naught and Muhsin Muhammed (4/11) only scored one point more. The Coroner D-Flex also had its worst day with just 11 points. Meanwhile, Owner Steve �Darth Einar� Olsen had his hands full with the empirial rebels in the Hoth system. While Nuss�s absence made his team fall apart, Darth Einar�s absence left young prot�g� Amber in control. Amber used her amazing football techniques to coax an all-pro performance out of QB Aaron Brooks (4/52) for the second week in a row. Without the dark influence of Darth around, Amber was able to use her force powers of light to some use. No one is sure how that will fly after Darth returns from suppressing the rebel alliance. Even more amazing was that Amber somehow used her force powers to keep Ahole �Put it on the� Green (7/71) from fumbling. The only lowlight for the Losers came from K Jason Elam (7/57) who had his worst game with just 4 points. On Monday, Reuben Droughns (2/22) needed to outscore Elam by 53 points, but only score one more point than the kicker. Despite the loss, the Coroners are still allowing the league�s least points at 75.86 ppg. The Einar commented, �3 in a row,� which is the truth. In fact, it equals the longest winning streak of the season for any team. No team has been able to win four in a row.
Week 8 previews - Owner Steve �Darth Einar� Olsen will go for his 4th win against the team that had the most three game winning streak, the Wookies, a team the Losers have had some success against holding the series edge 5-2. Will the Losers be hot enough for the giant slaying Wookies to take a chip off of? The Wookies have not beaten the Losers since 2002 and Owner Will Mitchell welcomes back his Texans � Andre Johnson and Jamie Sharper. Sharper will not be facing Darren Sharper, the two are of no relation, who is being replaced by Brian Dawkins due to injury. The Einar will be back to lead his troops, including new capturee Kurt �Han Solo� Warner. Lavernues Coles also replaces Joe Horn. The top matchup of the week takes place as the Brents try to assert themselves by getting back into a first place tie against the Biers. Owner Steve Johnson welcomes back Hines Ward and Clinton Portis and will be trying out Andre Ayodele. Owner Randy Chambers� Biers hold the series edge 5-4 and the teams split last year, although both averaged 100+ points against each other. Chambers noted, �Another game that's worth two in the standings. It's gonna be tough playing against Mr. Portis, Heinz Field Ward and the next Jo Montana. Hopefully, the Vikes will get a new trainer.� Chambers had not named replacements for impressive rookie Michael Clayton and K Jeff Wilkins. Meanwhile, Johnson ranted, �Now is the time for my team to step it up. I need to win this week against the champs or sink into mediocrity. I'm amazed at the parity this year. 9 teams within two games of each other. No one is out of it and so no one is to be under estimated.� And who is that 10th team? Oh, the poor, poor Coroners. Owner Chad Nuss will be having his meeting with Al Davis early in the week, so he should have plenty of time to spend with his team. And the Coroners have a chance this week, if only because his rivals, the 44�s, are hit hard by the Ram bye. Three Ram starters are out and Isaac Bruce is now a Buster, so Owner John Stoer will go with a lineup that includes David Carr, Emmitt Smith, Jerry Porter, Roy Williams, and Sean Taylor. The one point in the 44�s favor is that they hold the series edge 9-2 and have only lost once to the County over the last three years. Stoer commented, �It's bye week for the Rams, so Emmitt Smith and Roy Williams get their chance to never be taken out of the lineup ever again. We'd also like to welcome new receivers Joey �Otherwise known as Jerry� Porter and Santana Moss and hope that their change in surroundings will lead them to recall how good they can, and should, be. I am aware that playing Porter against the Coroners is the "Tuiasasopo Kiss of Death", and that Chad, as a passionate Raider fan, must be a skilled voodoo practitioner. Returning to .500 is on the line and, hopefully, no black magic will keep us from getting there.� Nuss must find a new TE and K as both the underperforming Boo Williams and the satisfactorily performing Phil Dawson are on the bye. A pair of 4-3 teams face off as Owner Dan Weitz is given heavier doses of medication, but Owner Rich Joseph hopes to send him over the deep end. Both teams have some holes on the D-flex to consider as the Busters currently have two open slots and the Cookies have two players on the bye. Joseph, whose team split with the Cookies last year, is trying out a trio of new receivers � Marcus Robinson, Justin McCareins, and Keenan McCardell � is hoping Priest and Peyton get some help. Meanwhile, Weitz, who wants to be known as the Ainor, promised, �Tighter uniforms for all players, lots of plays for the tight end. Ballbusters how crude but also very enticing.� In the 5th and final game of Week 8, old rivals meet as the San Francisco Cubists hope to jump two games over .500 while sending the Envy to two games under .500. Owner Jason Moore always had problems with teams that started QB Steve �Air� McNair, but no one knows what effect the injured McNair will have from the bench. Moore said, �P-Miss is always a tough matchup for us. Beating the Biers is meaningless if we can't get another win.� Moore has not named a replacement for K John Carney, but will go with LB Takeo Spikes, TE Eric Johnson, and RB Dominick Davis. Owner Perry Missner, who hopes for a couple of points more of luck, is trying LB Aaron �Ned Schneebly� Schobel and brings back Larry Fitzgerald and Chad Pennington from the bench. Missner stated, �This is the trap game for the Cubists and we intend to put the hurt on Farf. We know he has a lot of problems personally, but we don�t care. If he takes his eye of the ball, we are going to hit him square in his. Good luck to the rest of the Cubists.�
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