Bull City Biers 102 The Ballbusters 83 Bye weeks can create excuses. Even though every team must deal with their players having a week off, the byes always seem to come at the most inopportune times. A prime example of this fact happened this week when facing their greatest rival, Owner Rich Joseph�s The Ballbusters found themselves without their starting QB and leading point scorer Peyton Manning. Manning had been responsible for five straight all pro games, but had to sit this battle out. Joseph made what looked like a wise choice as a replacement � Lions QB Joey Harrington (1/6) who was facing the beleaguered Packer D in Detroit. However, as we all know, the Lions can�t stand prosperity and Harrington did a poor imitation of Manning: sure, he had the chicken flapping down to a tee, but the accuracy, throwing power, and competence were missing. Owner Randy Chambers had to deal with his own bye problems. He had his enormous three keepers in the lineup, but he had received excellent production from Tiki Barber as the fourth amigo. Chambers� choice for replacing Barber? Jerome Bettis (1/6) who made the most of his one yard dive ability and scored an equal number of points to Harrington. Bettis was allotted one of the three gameballs Chambers gave out for being a �spiritual leader.� Another gameball went to Daunte Culpepper (5/166) who had his third game of 5 passing TD�s and his second game of 39 points. �Need I say more?� questioned Chambers rhetorically. Culpepper � who was actually in the draft class of Cade McNown (a player that Chambers once insisted was headed to Hall of Fame as well) - has now scored 84 points in the last two weeks and continues to average over 30 ppg. Who received the third gameball, you ask? �Whoever scheduled Peyton on the bye!� announced Chambers. Chambers decided after the game to create a �Ring of Fire� (a song he�d like to hear on American Idol) � into which he inducted Bier/Beer/Bear greats Culpepper, Randy Moss (5/72), Bettis, Brad Johnson, and Deion Sanders. Moss scored yet another TD, but injured his hamstring while running out of bounds to avoid getting hit. Irony! The Bier D did not perform well and is now the worst D-flex in the league. That could be a problem, if Culpepper ever runs out of TD juice. Not to be forgotten was the third amigo, Shaun Alexander (5/83) who scored a TD and 13 points. About the only thing that Joseph could be happy about was that Alexander�s TD came in a losing effort against the Patriots. Joseph did receive TD from his starters, including Priest Holmes (5/81), Drew Bennett (2/19), and Tony Gonzalez (5/31), but Reche Caldwell (4/17) got hurt and Jason Taylor (6/25) did not score and was cut. The loss sent the Busters behind the one season wonder UNC Duke Haters. A joyous Chambers boasted a bit at being all only at the top of the Modano hill, �I was on Capitol Hill today, specifically Pennsylvania Avenue, SE. I can confirm, Mr. Mitchell, that the Tune Inn lives and still serves scrapple. For those of you unfamiliar with scrapple, it's what the Ballbusters look like after getting run over by a Bus driven by the MVP.�
Peaks Island Wookies 96 Brentless Brents 79 Do you believe in miracles? Eh, I am not sure either, but we�re quite certain that the current Wookie run does not qualify as a miracle, but we�ll have to consult with the Pope just to make sure. Owner Will Mitchell and his Wookies opened the season with to the Cubists, Envy, and Coroners � not exactly a power trio � and all looked lost. With the Biers, Busters, and Brents coming on the schedule, an 0-6 start looked like an eventuality. However, Mitchell hitched up his pants, cleared his throat, and got bizzy. His team took advantage of some bye week predicaments and found themselves on a roll. The roll continued over the Brents as Owner Steve Johnson�s team pinched a collective loaf and refused to enter the endzone. The Brents had looked like a juggernaut with all of their fine runners, but the Brent RB�s were upstaged by a former Brent QB and a returning Wookie keeper RB. QB Byron Leftwich (1/30) came out of nowhere to score 30 points and a gameball on three TD�s plus a sweet two point conversion. Leftwich�s performance caused Mitchell to give him the gameball and give an impromptu performance, American Idol style, of Johnny Cash�s Ring of Fire. Yes, Mitchell is seemingly headed in the right direction as his mind is meshing with Owner Randy Chambers. Tune Inn lives! Mitchell then promised to feed scrapple to his flexes until they started performing better. Deuce McAllister (3/16) scored two TD�s and worked himself out of negative integers. Kris Brown (2/13) scored a season high for a Wookie K � 9 points. Brown�s 9 were matched by Brent K Ryan Longshanks (6/37), but that was pretty much the highlight of the Brents� day. Johnson exclaimed, �No one gets the game ball, and no one gets called out. Mistakes and mediocre play; INTs, fumbles, injuries, ordinary scores. We will find ourselves in the basement if 2 guys are enough to beat us.� Along similar lines Johnson said he�d like to hear that old standard, �Please shoot me in the head....Please!� on American Idol. That song must be similar to �Please Pass the Milk Please.� The Brent did receive double digit performances from LaDainian Tomlinson (6/75), Mewelde Moore (2/24), and Clinton Portis (6/52), but was excoriated in the Brentless media by a new writer who simply calls himself Harry W. Harry wrote, �It would have made more sense, rationally, if Johnson had played Ashley Lelie instead of Chris Brown for a net gain of 6 points. Also, I didn�t think Tom Brady had the charisma of Matt Hasselbeck. Really, it would be better if I took Rumania and gave you Bulgaria.� The piece went on for seven more pages. Johnson, who team missed out on winning its third in a row for the second time, decided to ignore the local media, but said this to the national media, �You have to give the Wookies props for getting a guy off the trash heap and get him to perform that well.� Mitchell, whose team last won three in a row to start 2002 (actually four wins consecutively), said, �Well this is the third upset win in a row � I think we may have something going finally. Benching Vick was the best coaching move I�ve made � spurred him to a 24 pt bench performace, and at the same time the passed over Garcia posted 25 � this is now a QB battle that we expected��
County Coroners 114 Weaselicious Cookies 59 After the Cookies� Week 4 victory over the Cubists, a team of doctors, physiologists, and hypnotherapists pronounced Owner Dan Weitz fit for life among the general populace. Last week�s loss to the Envy caused Weitz to go back for two a day treatment, but no one was sure what another loss would do to the temperamental owner. It didn�t take long for us to find out as the Cookies were abused by the County Coroners in a way that no one had thought possible. Owner Chad Nuss deviated from his usual Raider-filled lineup with spectacular results. QB Trent Green (3/22) came back from his extended benching with 19 points and the league�s leading rusher, Curtis Martin (5/88), scored another 20. Reuben Droughns (1/17) had a fine debute and Brian Westbrook (5/36) and Muhsin Muhammed (3/10) added touchdowns. When trying to decide whom to give the gameball to, Nuss � who would like to hear a rendition of Easy E�s �Straight Out of Compton� on American Idol - yelped, �To tough to call, so I'm giving it to the equipment manager.� Nuss was so pleased, in fact, that the only area of scorn he could find was �Always the Friggin TEs!� Boo Williams (5/8) dropped to previous levels with a 0. Williams pathetic play reminded Nuss of another college stud who didn�t turn out � Rashaan Salaam. Hey, what�s with picking on the Bears draft picks? At least these guys were good in college, not like some roided up offensive lineman who was picked before Barry Sanders. Rattle, rattle. While Weitz watched the Coroners score TD after TD (not an uncommon occurrence for his team as the Cookies allow 106.3 ppg). Weitz, after conferring with his doctors, made the unfortunate substitution of Travis Henry (5/17) for Corey Dillon. Henry didn�t play and Dillon scored 19. This, plus the fact that his entire offense scored 12 points, sent Weitz over the edge, causing Dr. Van Nostrand to submit interview questions for his ailing patient. Van Nostrand, claiming that his therapy was working and that Weitz was merely �taking an Einar,� said on the question of a gameball, �I�m not even going to try and decipher this one I would guess he is saying nobody.� On who didn�t play well, Van Nostrand replied, �This was pretty clear but due to the nature of his therapy we are not going to focus on the negative.� One thing that Weitz did want was to hear Twisted Sister�s �We�re Not Gonna Take It� on American Idol. Now, that is odd. Weitz must have been pleased by his d-flex�s play. James Farrior (6/61) took the lead off defensive players by scoring a season tying record 23 points, including two sacks and three forced fumbles. When asked for comment, Van Nostrand was only �able to decipher something about his penis and self-fulfillment.� Van Nostrand then closed the interview, and suggested that Weitz give no more comments to the press until he had lobotomized. Despite beating a soon to be halfwit, Nuss stated, �Coroners have found the right lineup, we're starting to click... Now, I gotta go drain the hog.�
San Francisco Cubists 82 Syracuse 44�s 68 There are some things that no one likes to see: Rush Limbaugh modeling underwear, Alan Greenspan getting his groove on, and Cubists QB Brent Farf (6/95) leaping into the air, pumping his fist, and running around like the inbred hillbilly jackass that he is after scoring a TD. Where�s the taunting flag? After Week 6, this crooked grinning son of a gun must be a reoccurring nightmare for 44�s Owner John Stoer, who saw the dull-witted QB throw up a 20 spot against his best laid plans. To make matters worse, Stoer had to see Farf receive a warm, man-on-man embrace from Owner Jason Moore just before the rival owners shook hands at midfield. Rather than shake hands, Stoer quietly said that �I have to see a man about a horse or pee like a racehorse, something in the horse family.� To which Farf excitedly exclaimed, �Horses go neigh� while wetting himself. The Cubist O-flex also spruced up with a TD coming from Kevan Barlow (6/42) and Lee Suggs (2/13). Meanwhile, Alge Crumpler (6/31) lumbered in for another score, but Terrell Owens (5/67) was unable to keep the Cubist WR TD streak going. John Carney (3/16) set a Cubists high from the kicker slot with 7. Dominick Davis (4/25) returned to the Cubists lineup, but only score one point. Stoer had hoped to take advantage of the Packers insanely terribly defense by playing a couple of Lions. While the move seemed to be a solid one last week, the Lions are insanely terrible as well. Stoer commented, �Almost everyone else [besides Capt Dan Morgan (3/26), and earned the gameball, was awful] but specifically my Lions- ugh.� Artose Pinner (1/1) did not turn out to be the feature back with Kevin Jones in the lineup and Roy Williams (2/1) did not play at all. Never trust the Mooch. Speaking of old Lions, Stoer thought that �Desmond Howard [would turn out better]. Billy Sims, [despite injuries] and yes I'm old, makes the list too, but Dez was untouchable in college and quite touchable in the pros.� The 44 O-flex set a new season standard for futility with just 1 one point (lowering the record from the Busters 5-point, Week 3 performance). On the plus side, David Akers (5/54) reassumed the top kicker position and Torry Holt (6/54) and Marshall Faulk (6/52) had 29 points between them to make the final score respectable and caused Stoer to sing �It's the End Of the World- REM� American Idol-style. Leonard Bernstein! In other matters, Stoer commented on his team�s enduring troubles with the Cubists, �I could go on and on about the lasting friendship and close personal ties I have with Jamo, but really what can I say except, the Cubists are my Daddy.�
Einar�s Lovable Losers 93 P-Miss Envy 73 Are you still reading? Oh darn, because this game showed just how lousy fantasy football can be. Despite having the hearts and minds of everything good rooting them on, the P-Miss Envy fell at the hands of Darth Einar and his Lovable Losers. Owner Perry Missner had hoped that the Losers would miss their Colts more than they did. Missner�s hope soared when the Packers found all sorts of ways that didn�t involve the Losers. Then the damn broke when Darren Sharper (6/53) ran back an errant Harrington toss for a TD. Missner commented further, �We had a decent chance to win this week � the Packers did the majority of scoring going away from the Einar � why they want to do a halfback option up three TD�s is beyond me though. It is a clear sign that they are jerks. Amber�s defensive scheme kept us out of the endzone for the most part. We are going to stress TD�s this week in practice. It looks like the Einar has a nice win streak, now if he could just explain how he didn�t keep Kobe Bryant�� While the Packers were scoring fluky TD�s against the porous Lion D, the Loser/Saints were putting up some nice point on Sunday night. Aaron Brooks (3/37) had his first all pro game and connected with Joe Horn (6/52) on one of two TD�s throws. The two combined for 29 points, while Donte Stallworth (6/25) scored �Rock a Deuce.� Michael Pittman (1/6) sealed the deal in his first action of the season, but was better than someone who the Einar thought was going to be good coming out of college � Heath Shuler. Ugh. The Envy racked up a lot of yards, but just did not score enough TD�s. For example, Chad Pennington (5/61) and Willis McGahee (2/11) scored 8 and 9 points, respectively, but neither had a TD. Fred Taylor (6/41) had his best game of the season with 14 and replacement TE Jeb Putzier (1/9) upped the Envy�s TE TD streak to three. Brian Urlacher (3/37) was given the gameball and Missner said, �it�s great to see him back out there, making tackles, collecing points.� Missner, who said he�d like to hear �Nobody Home from Pink Floyd�s The Wall � shows off vocal range, plus I�d love to hear those Johnny Average�s sing, �I got 13 channels of s*** to choose from,�� did not care for the absent play of Rod Coleman (2/7), �apparently, he was involved in a car accident on Saturday, which earned him a one way ticket to Waiverville.� In fact, Coleman couldn�t be bothered to show up at the stadium as he was �taking a crunch.� Chad Johnson (5/27) is fast becoming a disappointment, but nothing like Peter Warrick � �that guy had all the moves in college and I thought he would dominate in the NFL � so did the Bengals. Just goes to show you that you should never agree with the Bengals.� After the game, Missner and Darth announced that they had made an agreement that would keep the Empire out of P-Miss for the foreseeable future. Prodigal son, Steve �Air� McNair is returning to Envy country for a handful of has beens and never weres.
Week 7 previews - Owner Randy Chambers and his Bull City Biers have been on top of this mountain before. However, they promptly fell back down into a tie with some other teams. Now, they stand alone once again, but can Chambers stand the prosperity or will old nemesis Owner Jason Moore teach him something about longevity? Chambers commented, �They may be having a down year, but until someone else gets a third trophy, I still say the Cubists are the measuring stick. I suspect Jamo's trip to Montreal this week is some way to spirit some Canadian superstar from the CFL to spoil my run.� Doug Flutie, anybody? The Cubists, who own a 6-5 series advantage despite not having beaten the Biers since 2001, will be debuting Randy Hymes, while Lee Suggs ascends to the starting RB slot. The Biers have not named O-flex replacements for Jerome Bettis and Rod Gardner, but the team that has outscored all others by at least 90 points can welcome back Tiki Barber and either Johnny Morton or Michael Clayton. We�d recommend the former. The Brentless Brents need to keep pace with the Biers, but they face a stern task in last year�s co-champion The Ballbusters. Owner Rich Joseph is beyond glad to have QB Peyton Manning back, but his O-flex is in dire straits with Terri Glenn and possible substance abuser Koren Robinson. Marques Anderson makes his debut for the defense. Owner Steve Johnson, whose team split with the Busters last year, noted, �I was hoping to play well before we started hitting our byes. Now with Portis and Ward out we are getting another tough team. We could go from a league leader to a .500 club real quick.� The Brents are trying a bunch of new players including Brandon Stokely, Jermaine Wiggins, and Mike Peterson. Per Harry�s recommendation, Ashley Lelie is in the lineup, but we doubt Harry will rest, knowing that he now has the power to influence the Brent lineup. Similar sounding teams heading in opposite directions go face to face as the limping Cookies take on the triumphant Wookies. The Cookies don�t have the pedigree of the Wookies last three opponents, so are Owner Will Mitchell�s crew in for a let down? Mitchell, despite being without Andre Johnson, Kris Brown, and Jamie Sharper, was confident, �Hmmmm. Weasels. Slumping. Coming off an ass-whooping this week. Can we make it 4 in a row? I like our chances.� If he could have enough reason, Weitz would have some optimism because the Cookies lead the series 5-4 and have won the last three matchups. Weitz, whose team has received decreasing QB play in each game, was not confident, �Congrats Wookies on your next win. Love Mr. Weitz.� Two teams coming off brutal losses are the 44�s and Envy who play in the biennial pizza battle. MMMmmm, pizza. The teams have split the last two years, but the Envy hold a 6-5 series advantage. At this point, Owner John Stoer is going with a full Ram lineup as Marc Bulger returns. Donald Driver is to be the focus of this week�s Envy multiple spearing penalties and Greg Ellis makes his debut for the D. Stoer, who also welcomes back Ray Lewis and Marvin Harrison from the bye, said, �Another season down the drain, we'll never catch the Biers now, unless they lose 4 games and we go undefeated from here on out, um no....so sadly we are just playing for pride come week 7, and who should come along but the Envy. If we can contain Jeremy "Guess where my stick'em comes from" Shockey, we may have a shot to not move into last place. All trade offers are welcome.� God�s Bastard Son, Shockey, is back in the lineup along with Nate Burleson and Larry Fitzgerald. The Envy also welcome back Ed Reed from the bye and Terrell Suggs makes his debut. Missner commented, �Ah, our old nemesis the 44�s. I see that both franchises are at an even 54 wins and 54 losses, so this one tips the balances. I have asked few favors from deposed Bear Coach Dave Wannestedt, but come up with some way to slow down the Rams and I�ll dedicate the gameball to you. It also looks like we might have some QB competition coming in the form of a bionic man.� Yes, as Steve �Pear� McNair makes his comeback, no one is sure whether he or the incumbent Chad Pennington will start. Could make for some sleepless nights. Finally, we have the odd case of two of the league�s three sub-.500 teams who are both coming off of wins. Owner Chad Nuss noted, �We've got two teams who are 2-4, but should be 4-2. Coroners have to 'bring it' on Sunday.� And bring it, they shall, with a lineup that looks suspiciously like the lineup that just put up 114 points on the Einar�s nemesis, the Cookies. The Einar, whose team leads the series 5-3 and swept the series in 2003, is glad to have his Colts back � Edgerrin James and Reggie Wayne � too many first names. All else is quiet on the Deathstar.
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