Peaks Island Wookies 77 The Ballbusters 71 Do you know the stereotype of someone from New England? Many would claim it was Cliff Claven, the triviality-knowing mail carrier from Cheers. While hardly anyone would claim that Owners Will Mitchell or Rich Joseph are stereotypically New Englanders, if you look hard enough, you can find similarities with Claven. Like Cliff, Mitchell has been known to down a brewski or two down at the local pub, whereas Joseph enjoys telling people that �a whale�s penis is called a dork� and other esoterica. While Cliffy was a happy, if somewhat pathetic, New Englander, things were anything but happy as soon as the Wookies-Busters kick off was sent into space by Kris Brown. Knowing that he would have to make up for the production of the missing Priest Holmes and Tony Gonzalez, Peyton Manning (5/118) began firing TD passes with his usual aplomb. Manning scored three TD�s, including one to replacement TE Dallas Clark, to net 21 points and his 5th consecutive all-pro performance. Does it surprise anyone that Joseph gave Manning the gameball? Despite urging his teammates on with words and chicken flaps, Manning was unable to inspire much production from his fellow Busters. Santana Moss (5/14) has been a season long dud (4 points) and Koren Robinson (4/15) has been unable to get open (3 points). Joseph singled out Reche Caldwell (3/17) for scorn as the Chargers scored well but ignored little Reche. Buster point production from the other side of the ball was also dire as the mostly Dolphin D-flex scored just 13 points. The Busters not only have the lowest scoring D-flex (15.6 ppg) in the league but are matching it with the lowest scoring O-flex (17.2 ppg). Joseph, who is not a big fan of Seinfeld � only �having watched a few episodes,� could only guess that the main portion of his team had been hanging out with Ricky Williams, who is �attached to a bong.� Speaking of bongs, Mitchell, who most enjoys the episode of Seinfeld in which Kramer becomes the assman (which also features Frank Constanza�s move � �stop short and make a grab�), must be starting to think that franchise QB Michael Vick (5/29) has been spending a bit too much time with his brother (or with Ricky Williams who is probably �in my treehouse bogarting my dubage.� Vick scored in negative numbers (-1) for the second time this season and did not do a very good job of handing off to Mike Alstott (nil). Nevertheless, the starting backfield�s performance did not upset the balance of the rest of the team. Andre Johnson (5/57) led all scorers with 23 points and received a gameball, including a TD catch during which he crashed on his head. Impressive. Daniel Graham, God�s Third Son, (4/41) continued his personal TD streak, but did not get any points for yards. David Givens (2/13) scored the final Wookie TD and Rodney Harrison (4/41) became the first defensive player to have two all pro games this year (16 points) and also received a gameball. When Mitchell was reached for comment, he said, �Hey, is that two in a row? Over two top teams? Wow, feels strange.� A less happy Joseph simply uttered, �WTF?� and started to have a tantrum before being calmed by the thoughts of his greatest fantasy trade � a fleecing of fellow basketball GM John Stoer to the tune of LeBron James and Peja Stojakovic for Carmelo Anthony and Gary Payton. Joseph added a t-shirt to his collection based on that one.
Einar�s Lovable Losers 112 San Francisco Cubists 69 In every mentor/prot�g� relationship, there comes a time when the mentor must step back and see if the prot�g� can fly from the nest. Owner Steve �Darth Einar� Olson, who also likes to hear about George�s shrinkage, believed Week 5 was proper time to see if young Amber was able to steward the Losers to a win. Darth had tried a number of options, but was unable to come up with a win. Before he stepped away from his team, the heavy breathing Einar provided this last bit of advice to Amber, �He can run, but he cannot hide.� Amber quickly asked what that meant, but Einar just shuffled his eyebrows and started going off on one his �talking points� on modern morality or something, then he left for some campaigning in Colorado. Amber assessed the Loser starting lineup and decided to concentrate on the non-Packers, seeing as she correctly assumed that the Packer/Losers were completely hopeless. Under her guidance, QB Aaron Brooks (2/15) stung his former team with his best game and even threw one his TD�s to fellow Loser Joe Horn (5/42). The two combined for 21 points, but if Amber had her druthers she would have started Steve �Air� McNair who scored 20 points on his own from the bench. Reggie Wayne (4/32) continued to defy expectations by snatching another TD and Edgerrin James (4/52) kept the Loser ground game rolling with his second all-pro game of 16 points. Amber also gave London Fletcher his first start, and Fletcher responded with 15 tackles and all-pro game to his credit. Ahole �Put it on the� Green lost a point for his team, continued to have trouble holding onto the ball, and received Darth�s choke powers. Knowing his team was going to have troubles without its vocal leader, Terrell Owens, Owner Jason Moore, who most enjoys the Master of your Domain episode of Seinfeld, decided to emphasize the ground game with apparently second rate RB�s. Moore filled his flex with Kevan Barlow (5/31) and first time starters Amos Zereoue and Lee Suggs. The three combined for 11 points (just one more than the lowest of the Loser O-Flex � Wayne) and were sentenced to chill out with Ricky Williams �who is probably on the beach with some weed.� There were a couple of highpoints for the Cubists in that Darrell Jackson (3/24) kept the Cubist WR TD streak alive (and was given a gameball) and Donnie Edwards (5/40) emerged as the captain of the D-flex with 13 points. However, it is becoming clear that the team just can�t function viably with its huge void in leadership. Moore had instructed inbred hillbilly QB Brent Farf (5/73) not to throw to the plethora of Loser/Packers. Farf promptly threw his only two TD�s to TE Booger Frankfurter, then benched himself for Craig Nall. To make matters even worse, two of the Loser/Packers (those two words just seem to go together so well) received points for tackling Titan defenders after Farf interceptions. Oh, the irony. Farf was apparently angered that anyone would have the gall to tell him where he should throw his football. Security cameras caught Farf leaving the game in the middle of the third quarter and everyone presumes a suspension from Moore is upcoming. Meanwhile, backup QB Jake Delhomme had yet another all-pro game with 17 points. Wasted � and for what? After the game, Moore claimed that he would consider turning to the dark side, if it would get his team back to .500. He also said, �Let's see, how can this get worse? Oh yeah, three weeks without Jamal Lewis.�
Bull City Biers 129 Syracuse 44�s 79 There is no Modano owner who doesn�t react to losing with anger. However, the less one loses, the angrier the losses make him. With this in mind, one can imagine what state Owner Randy Chambers was in coming off his team�s first loss of the season to the previously winless Wookies. Perhaps Chambers reminded his players of his most shameful moment, �sending Terrell Davis for Farf in year one or two, only to have Terrell end up with 2000 yards. Bad trade, perhaps?� No doubt about. An incensed Bier team put the pedal to the metal and did not lay off the gas until the road was covered with rubber. Leading the charge was QB Daunte Culpepper (4/127) who set the season QB record with 45 points and was just one point off the league historical record set by Peyton Manning last year (against the Cubists). Culpepper, the league�s leading scorer, is averaging 31.75 ppg and received �three gameballs -- one for each all-pro performance.� Moss flung two of his TD�s to Randy Moss (4/61), the league�s leading WR. With the 44 defenders trying to slow down the purple express, Bier RB�s Shaun Alexander (4/70) and Tiki Barber (4/72) � who just happen to be the league�s top two RB�s � had plenty of room to roam. Each runner scored another all-pro game (16 for Alexander his third all-pro, 19 for Barber his fourth) and left opposing Owner John Stoer�s head spinning � much like Ricky Williams who might be �in Tora Bora, picking poppy seeds.� Moss, Alexander, and Tiki get each for another gameball, while Matt Bowen (3/6) gets 1/2 for taking one for the team (before getting cut). Chambers continued to be displeased by his �the Deadskins. My Deadskins,� who included Rod Gardner (3/6) who didn�t score and maybe suffering from shrinkage, aka Chamber�s favorite episode of Seinfeld. The 44�s had few answers for the Bier onslaught, but one player who was up to the challenge was first time starter David Carr. Carr was able to match Culpepper � in their game�s 4th quarter � with three TD strikes and 31 points (or two more than Michael Vick has scored in 5 games). Carr was given the gameball. The 44�s did beat the Biers in the TE game as Freddie Jones (2/8) scored the team�s first TD from that slot, while Randy McMichael (5/27) had 4 points. The rest of the 44�s had about as much chance of scoring as Kramer putting a golfball in a whale�s blowhole (�which George- posing as a marine biologist- has to retrieve. �The sea was angry that day my friends...��). The much ballyhooed WR trio of Marvin Harrison (5/32), Torry Holt (5/34), and Isaac Bruce (5/40) just did not get it done with a combined 11 points. Perhaps Stoer should consider shipping them off in a three-for-one deal, like he did �in my trade for ARod. I don't recall what I gave up, [Carlos Delgado, Omar Vizquel, and Randy Winn] but it was worth it. I'm sure I've had a better trade- on a smaller scale- but I can't think of it, maybe you have one in mind.� Why yes, we can. In fact, we were surprised that Stoer did not mention his re-fleecing of baseball GM Rich Joseph to the tune of Troy Glaus for Charles Nagy. Oof-dah! So-called Super Rook Roy Williams debuted with a bullet, whereas the player he was benched for, Emmitt Smith, continued his renaissance with 10. Emmitt can now go back to his cryogenically frozen state. Asked how he is going to spend the rest of the week after getting blown out by the Biers for the third straight time, Stoer offered, �I�m gonna be sitting on the sofa, toking away, watching reruns of Three's Company on Nickelodeon, and digging through the bottom of a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos looking for one last good chip.� Before setting in on his ass groove, Stoer commented on this week�s matchup by saying, �RC got the most out of his stars and mine didn't come to play. Even if they had, I'm not sure we could have stayed with the Bier machine. I don't mind the Culpepper, Moss, Alexander trio so much, but does Tiki Barber have to continue to play like an MVP? Pull a hammy, start fumbling again, rediscover your true nature Tiki!!� Chambers replied, �When we see Orange in the Bull City, somehow we always charge. Perhaps it the 44�s propensity for playing Cowgirls in their lineup.�
P-Miss Envy 96 Weaselicious Cookies 64 Those familiar with the Highlander series of movies and TV shows know certain things. One is that there can be only one, which may or may not be Bush�s next catchphrase, and another is that the only way to kill an immortal is by chopping off its head. The headless immortal then transfers his strength to the conqueror � and so it goes. Owner Perry Missner knew enough, heading into his Week 5 clash with the Cookies, that fellow Owner Dan Weitz was not an immortal. However, Missner also knew that the Cookies that had amassed a three game win streak and share of first place were also in the great debt of Donovan �God�s Other Son� McNabb. McNabb had four double digit performances and was the author of all of the Cookies� all-pro performances. Missner cautiously prepared for the headless Cookies, using a youthful lineup to snap a two game winning streak and the Cookies� effort for their first four game winning streak in franchise history. The Cookies struck first with a couple of TD�s from the O-flex which had its best day of the season. First, Warrick Dunn (3/27) rumbled in for a score and had 10 points, then Duce Staley (5/31) � who once scored three TD�s against the Envy for the Cookies in 1998 � had another score and 13 points. Ancient QB Vinny Testaverde creaked his way to the third and final Cookie TD, but only managed 7 points. The Cookie scoring was modest, but enough to let Missner know that his team would need a few scores. One player that didn�t score was Donte Stallworth (5/23) who received special scorn from Missner, �this was his chance to step up as the starting WR and he didn�t get it done. Of course, I later read that he had the flu � information that I could have used!� Fred Taylor (5/27) did not manage to score either, but his spot should really be filled by Envy keeper Ricky Williams �who is probably in the golden triangle � an area of upper Thailand, Laos, and Vietnam in which opium smuggling once had its hey day. While Ricky is supposed to have a taste for pot, I am sure he would like opium much better.� While last year�s Williams for Vick deal is not doing anyone any favors, Missner remembered better days of dealing: �While I would love to rub Rich�s nose in the Santana for Lee deal we made last year during my baseball trade frenzy, the best trade I ever made was in my first year of fantasy basketball. I had held onto an injured David Robinson all year and he had just come back (the year before the Spurs drafted Duncan). I received an offer for the Admiral consisting of one �Big Country� Bryant Reeves. Knowing that the Spurs were awful and Robinson was no lock to stay healthy, I made the deal. Robinson went down again one game later and Reeves had the best half of a season in his career, netting me my first basketball championship (and t-shirt).� Big Country! Jeremy Shockey (4/22) continued his strong play with his second consecutive TD-scoring day, but the surprises were yet to come. Not expecting much from the O-flex, Missner received two TD�s for his lack of confidence. Larry Fitzgerald (4/20) finally made some noise with 8 points and Nate Burleson was the beneficiary of a defense completely following Randy Moss. Chad Pennington (4/53) bounced back from an off week with 13 points, but the game was still close. On Sunday, Ed Reed (5/51) broke the game open with a gameball winning performance. Missner commented, �Clearly, [Reed] was playing in a different dimension from everyone else on the field. Perhaps he, along with Urlacher, will lead an Envy defensive resurgence to the top.� Even now, the Envy have returned to the top of the D-Flex hill with a 24.2 ppg average. The win provided Missner with some much needed laughs, just like �the episode of Seinfeld in which George proposes to Susan. It has Kramer�s rant against marriage (�You can forget about watching TV while you eat � that�s dinner time � and you know what you do during dinner? You talk about your day. How was your day? Was it a good day or a bad day?�) as well as Jerry inviting George back into his apartment for champagne to celebrate. However, there was no champagne.� Overall, a loquacious Missner stated, �I threw some rump roast on the barbeque and it ended up tasting like filet mignon. I knew I would have to get a TD or two from my �young guns� flex and they came through. I was a bit worried about all of Dan�s RB�s, especially when Dunn and Staley scored early, but we chipped away and Ed Reed scored the coup de grace. Maybe now the Cookies can embark upon a 4 game winning streak.� Weitz was unable to comment on the game because he had submitted himself for another round of intense therapy, but Dr. Van Nostrand let the media know that �Mr. Weitz was displeased with his team�s performance and hopes they will all join him in the singing of Kumbaya.�
Brentless Brents 99 County Coroners 67 While some people would prefer to forget that one of the league�s members is conducting an investigation into why Eugene Chung tried to kill him at the end of last year, Owner Chad Nuss is persistent in his pursuit of justice. Just when the stream of evidence seemed to be drying up, Nuss�s investigators found disturbing new evidence that Chung was just the tip of a broader conspiracy, possibly to defraud the Oakland Raiders of their #1 fan. Nuss brought to light the new findings in a press conference on Claremont Country Club golf course. Canvassing witnesses who happen to be Owner Rich Joseph�s neighbors (the ceremony was held in Joseph�s backyard � remember?), it seems that Chung was popping up all over Shrewsbury in the days preceding the ceremony. While his connection to the Japanese Yakuza is well known, Nuss investigators also uncovered documents that showed Chung had spent time in the former Soviet Union, while possibly in contact with the KGB. Why would the KGB � or even the Yakuza, for that matter � want to harm Nuss? No one knows, but we do know that Nuss will probably get to the bottom of everything before the season is over. It might help his frame of mind, and thus, his investigation, if the County Coroners would provide better results. Since beating the Wookies in Week 3, the two franchises have gone in opposite directions. The Wookies have beaten the league�s best, and the Coroners have become the league�s worst. There is still further division in the Coroner brain trust as to continue with their Raider-based lineup or cut Oakland out of the loop. Against the Brents, the County did receive one TD from their starting Raiders. QB Kerry Collins (2/-3) partially redeemed himself by scoring 5 points and getting the Coroner QB average back to 0.00 ppg. Collins connected with Boo Williams (4/8) who is already playing for his third team, but scored his first TD, and later Kevin Johnson, who made his debut with 9 points. The Coroners were led by Phil Dawson (3/20) who had 11 and the D-flex played well with a combined 27. Ah, just like the old days. Owner Steve Johnson, who had seen his team triumph over the Coroners three straight times, passed on his high scorers when doling out his gameball, �Hasselbeck (4/57) and LT (5/64) were their usual stud selves [combining for 33 points] but I'll have to give it to [Mewelde] Moore (1/12). The guy was thrown into the game on a moments notice and out did expectations. Keep it up kid! Oh...and [Chris] Brown (5/62) did ok, I guess.� Brown (22 points) was especially effective in running over the pathetic Packers who attempted to tackle him while they simply fell to the ground. One would think with all of those players playing well, Johnson would let the under-performers off the hook, but such was not the case. Johnson was displeased by �Everyone under 4 points. Portis (5/41) come on! You should be a stud.� Also falling into that group were Shad Meier (1/0), Hines Ward (5/42), Charles Woodson (1/4), and Byron Scott (1/4). Johnson sent Meier on a one way journey to �the Kwik Trip to pick up some Doritos.� These low performances made Johnson think of his best fantasy trade: �I traded Peyton, Priest for Edge, CC [Chip Carey? Probably Cris Carter] and someone else..right before Edge went down...oh wait that one SUCKED!� When asked to comment on the entire game, Johnson said, �Impossible question. Might as well ask which season is the best.� That political answer made the press repeat their question, to which Johnson eventually responded with a far away look, �The Biers and I are alone at the top. We also play in week 17, so we might have to play of it all.� To that we say, there are chickens, there are chicks, there are chickens in eggs that have not hatched, there are chickens that have not been conceived of, and there are dinosaurs � which are the descendents of chickens, then there is that boast.
Week 6 previews - As is our custom, we�ll start at the top where last year�s co-champions clash for the first time in the new year. The Ballbusters and Bull City Biers had a pair of memorable games in 2003 as the two split with the Busters winning the first tilt 103-77 and the Biers getting their revenge in the second half with an 87-70 win. Owner Rich Joseph was not confident heading into the game as he stated, �[We] can't do any worst....we need a bye week!� While the whole team doesn�t have a bye, leading scorer Peyton Manning does. Joseph went out on a limb naming his replacement as Joey Harrington, but seeing who Harrington faces, we approve. The Busters do welcome Priest Holmes and Tony Gonzalez back from the bye and Charles Grant makes his debut for the defense. After not surviving their bye week, the Biers are back and things are looking rosy. Owner Randy Chambers� team boasts three of the league�s top six scorers and three of its top six keepers � figure that one out. Chambers is taking off the over wrap and putting the Bus, Jerome Bettis, on the field. Bettis has been specializing in one-yard dives this season. Madieus Williams also makes his defensive debut. Chambers commented, �This is like the Yanks and the Sox. For all the marbles, except it ain't for all the marbles. We're ready, baby!� You�re using my �babies� now? The league�s other 4-1 team, the Brentless Brents, take on what is quickly becoming the league�s giant killers, the Peaks Island Wookies. Unfortunately for Owner Will Mitchell, half of the Brents are not on the bye this week, but the Wookies hold a distinct edge at one position: tight end. The Brents, who hope Ken Dilger is the balm to their need, are only averaging 0.6 ppg from the TE slot, while the Wookies boast 8.6 ppg from Daniel Graham and Antonio Gates (who had 18 points from the Wookies bench last week). Owner Steve Johnson, noticed something and said, �Wookies will have their big runners back this week and may be a force to reckon with.� Yes, Deuce McAllister and Rudi Johnson have returned � Deuce and Rudy! Mitchell talked about the matchup recently, �Might as well knock off another top team � the 4-1 bretts. Deuce is back, Vick is sitting this one out, my flex feels good finally, and Grahm is a TD machine. Hard to beat Moore, Brown, Portis, and LT � perhaps impossible � but we�ll hold out hope. Oh, and go red sox.� Mitchell is also sitting the disappointing Michael Vick down and has named former Brent draftpick Byron Leftwich as his replacement. Johnson is also replacing his QB as Tom Brady will likely neutralize Graham and David Givens. Last year, the Wookies and Brents split the two games and the Wookies hold a 5-4 series advantage. Among the three 3-2 teams, only the P-Miss Envy won last week. They take on another winner from Week 5 in Einar�s Lovable Losers. The Losers have won the last three games between the teams and hold a 5-3 series advantage. Missner commented, �We will have to maintain our emotions while trying to upset the Einar, whose team has scored a lot more points than ours [second most in the league, despite the 1-4 record]. Only God�s bastard son, Jeremy Shockey, will be lost from our normal lineup, but the Einar will have to make up for his Colts. A sweep over my Wisconsin brethren sure would be sweet.� The Envy welcome back Thomas Jones and Chad Pennington from the bye and Jeb Putzier replaces Shockey. The Losers have not named replacements for Edgerrin James and Reggie Wayne, but LaVernues Coles and Michael Pittman are waiting on the bench. Darth�s Packer-laden lineup may not be in a good position as the Packers always get confused in domes. Einar said, �I've scored the second most points and have the worst record!!!! WTF?� Go Detroit! After taking a beating from the Envy, Owner Dan Weitz and his Weaselicious Cookies may be in need of some shock therapy to restart their winning ways. One team that generally makes other teams feel better about themselves is the County Coroners. Owner Chad Nuss has decided to go with almost Raiderless lineup as only Philip Buchanon represents the silver and black. Trent Green is back to steer the team, Stephen Davis returns from injury, and Reuben Doughns makes his debut. Steve Foley and John Abraham also hope to prop up the defense. Weitz, whose team has won the last three matchups despite being down in the series by a 4-6 margin, has put Robert Griffith in for David Thornton and Moe Williams replaces Duce Staley � for now. Oddly, Donovan McNabb is still on the bench with decrepit Vinny Testaverde still practicing with the first team. Could it be that sometimes irrational Weitz is blaming the Week 5 loss on McNabb and his bye? Dr. Van Nostrand could not get a comment from Weitz on the Week 6 game and had to go because �I'm Mr. Weitz is getting into the enama drawer. In what was once a marquis matchup, the 44�s and Cubists play to see who can get back up to .500. Owner John Stoer commented, �It seems like the past couple of seasons have put the Biers and Cubists back-to-back on my schedule. It'll be difficult to get up for another rivalry game, but we need to find some way to win and get back to .500. No Marvin or Ray either, so someone is going to have to step up.� For now, Stoer is making a wise move by kicking a dead Packer, playing Artose Pinner and Roy Williams who should score plenty of points against the non-tackling Packer D. Antonio Pierce and D.J. Williams will try to replace the barking Lewis as each make their league debut. Despite his problems in indoor spaces, Owner Jason Moore is still starting QB Brent Farf, who seems to suffer from color blindness as well as increased stupidity in domes. A desperate Farf leads to plenty of interceptions. Get your Dre Bly out there! Dominick Davis returns from injury and Eric Johnson (who scored 16 points from the Cubist bench in Week 5) makes his debut. Moore said, �We need to get our own house straightened out before we worry about our opponent.� The Cubists have a hole in their defense due to the recent season ending injury to Julian Peterson, and it will interesting to see who Moore cuts to fill it. The Cubists swept the series last year and hold an 8-2 series bulge.
----------------------------------There Goes My Political Career Press------------------------