Peaks Island Wookies 77 Bull City Biers 68 When the 2004 schedule came out late last summer, Modano owners flocked to see when their keepers� byes would occur. Upon seeing that the Vikings and Seahawks would both be of in week 4, Owner Randy Chambers let out a string of curse words that has never seen its equal before or since. Without leading scorers Daunte Culpepper, Randy Moss, and Shaun Alexander, the Biers are a wolf without its fangs, a mosquito without its sucker, Hammer without his parachute pants. Yet Chambers had resolve. He had resolve and his self-proclaimed �bench rats� to take aim at the fully-loaded Peaks Island Wookies. The Wookies entered the game with poorest scoring team in the league and were coming off a season worst 30 point performance. For Chambers to keep his five year plan intact (�Sitting here on Monday or Tuesday morning, answering the media's questions. Hopefully in first place, still!�), he knew he would have to pull out all the stops. He looked down to the end of his bench and pulled out Jake Plummer and Plaxico Burress. He told his defense to contain Wookie QB Michael Vick, and to Owner Will Mitchell�s dismay, they did. Vick only scored 6 points and earned a veiled threat from Mitchell, �Guy needs to do better than 6 to keep ahead of Garcia and Bledsoe � well, OK, Garcia.� He didn�t need to mention Bledsoe again because the former keeper was once again cut for visiting Chung�s Asian Garden to often and possibly being implicated in the Nuss Shooting scandal. Playing more to the approval of Mitchell, who brings �a relaxed, yet effective management style � emphasizing a good job with minimal effort� to your company, was God�s Third Son, Daniel �Grambo� Graham. Some owners suspected that Mitchell was high on something other than life when he named Graham a keeper last winter, but Mitchell is having the last laugh as Graham has become the league�s ultimate tight end (having 12 more points than any other TE). Graham even cured Mitchell of his greatest weakness: �I�ve been really afraid. I think it is the Republicans fault. I overcame it by watching this video (as well as listening to long time liberal Daniel Graham) and realizing they were just playing me for a fool and trying to scare a vote out of me. Silly me. [http://home.earthlink.net/~houval/gopconstrm.mov]� While the Wookies were led spiritually by Graham, the team received TD�s from a bunch of regular named guys (one from a pair of Johnsons and another from a Smith) as well as old Mouldsy himself. Yet Mitchell passed up on all of them when handing out his gameball � choosing instead Jamie Sharper who scored a meaningless 25 points from the bench. Let�s hope that performance does not resonate in the minds of Sweeney award voters. All of the TD�s allowed Mitchell to have a vision of his life five years in the future: �Right here on this island. Maybe up in the new tree house I just built for James. You can see Casco Bay from it. And I have wireless so I can cut the BIG deals online and on the cell phone from the tree house moving forward. I may move in up there next Spring.� While Chambers did not have his big three (�and I need them on the field�), he had to be pleased by Tiki �Torch� Barber running roughshod and willy nilly all over the Packers. The pathetic Packer D did not seem to want to touch Barber, as he ran for 18 points for his third all-pro game. However, Chambers seemed to be the roll model for Rod Gardner and Peerless Price because he brings �A lackadaisacialie work effort and a strong tipographie� to your company. The Bier D also contributed a subpar 12 points. Chambers obviously needs his friends to help him get wins, speaking of his friends, listen to this inspiring story, �I am naturally quite shy, especially around the ladies. Fortunately, my good friends Sto and Jamo helped me develop a fine affection for alcohol. The rest, as they say, is history!� How touching � alcohol saves the day! Chambers � whose team lost by less than 10 points for the first time since 2002 - was able to give credit where it was due in summating the game, �I always respect a Wookie. They can tear your limbs out. Will got his boys in the endzone. Our defense stinks. Our bench is weak. Gotta regroup. Hats off to Prince William. My Ty Law against the Wookies move was meaningless.� A jubilant Mitchell countered, �Yeah � I WON I WON I WON I WON. OH and THREE is a dangerous corner to pin the wooks into. Can we climb out of the hole?�
Weaselicious Cookies 79 San Francisco Cubists 70 The Modano Mi Hermano league has a long history. When media pundits made out their preseason rankings in years past, they automatically knew to put the San Francisco Cubists near the top of the list and the Weaselicious Cookies at or near the bottom. However, these are crazy, mixed up times � what was once certain, has become unsteady and the Cookies are rising like so much bread in the oven. In recent seasons, it was hard to pinpoint just what was wrong with Owner Jason Moore�s team who has not won a championship since 2001. This year, the problem is obvious � inbred hillbilly QB Brent Farf. What was once winning chemistry has become a stew of terrible odors, knock-knock jokes, and ill-timed interceptions. Farf even through a surprise into the mix in Week 4 by doing something experts had previously thought impossible � getting a concussion. Noted psychotherapist and brain surgeon Dr. Van Nostrand commented, �Until Week 4, we believed that the space between Farf�s ears was filled with either rocks or cement. We now know that there is a tiny pea-sized brain rattling around up there. For comparison�s sake, you could compare Farf�s brain to the size of your average African tsetse fly.� It does not help matters that Farf seems to stoke the enemy�s fire. In this case, it was renowned Farf hater, Owner Dan Weitz � who had to take a Van Nostrand prescribed dose of sedatives just to keep from hyperventilating while urging his troops to knock Farf�s head off. And they almost did. The league�s top rated defensive flex combined for another 23 points and is averaging 25.5 points for the season. Weitz, who brings two prized skills to your company �the ability to swear like a sailor and hatred of the peckers,� gave the gameball to the guys on the defense � Derrick Brooks, James Farrior, and David Thornton � for �putting a hurtin on Farve beans and Penison [Doug Pederast].� The Cookies received another TD from Donovan McNabb, who had a season low of 10, and Corey Dillon. Weitz�s TE luck remained strong as Marcus Pollard was picked up from the scrap heap to score 8. Also, Warrick Dunn, who came over in a trade that Moore disparaged, scored 11 points, while pointing to the Cubists� sideline for each one. Weitz was not pleased by Staley (2 points) and claimed �the Duce is not loose.� Speaking of not pleased, that is Moore in general. He gave special scorn to �Amani Toomer. Unacceptable!� for his 2 points against the porous Packer D. Moore grumbled, �The defense [12 points combined] and special teams [4 points from new K John Carney] were weak again, too.� Continuing on his unhappy rant, Moore saw a dismal future ahead since in 5 years he will be �still waiting for Culpepper, Moss, and Alexander to retire from the 7-time defending champion Bears.� One would hardly be surprised that Moore brings �half-hearted effort and a negative attitude� to your company. With this glass half empty attitude and other assorted problems, how does Moore get by day to day? �I am saddled with impossibly high standards for myself and others. I overcome them with alcohol.� Yes, once again, alcohol saves the day! In fact, Moore unwisely gave TO & David Patten (�We needed the rest of the team to step up like they did.�) 6-packs of Bud Light each. A drunken Terrell Owens? Not a pretty picture. Overall, Moore returned to his team�s lack of leadership and passing skills when commenting on the game, �Although we appreciate the desire required to run back onto the field with a concussion and throw a touchdown, we still expect more out of our QB than 6 points.� It might be time for the Cubists to find a new QB. When asked about a personal weakness, an emboldened Weitz said, �What is that? Please explain the question.� A sensible enough answer for a guy whose winning allowed him �another week without Phil the straight-jacket.� The Cookies are heading into unprecedented waters as they have never won back to back games in which the decision was less than 10 points and the three game win streak equals the longest in franchise history.
Brentless Brents 76 P-Miss Envy 46 For Owner Perry Missner, this season has begun in odd way, somehow reminding him of his team�s best season in 2000. It was in 2000, when Missner abandoned his team for the sunny climes of Indonesia and let them work out their own problems Ouaou style. The second half of the 2000 season is known as the best time in Envy history as the team rolled off win after win behind an unchanging lineup. The 2004 season began the same way with Missner on the other side of the globe and the wins coming fast and furious. Now that Missner is back in the U.S., able to watch the NFL and adjust his lineup accordingly, the wins have vanished. What can be said for a team that plays better when its owner is away? Should Missner take the hint? We�ll have to wait and see, but for now we know that the Envy can do better. Against the Brents in Week 4, the Envy knew they had to limit the incredible Brent running attack. For the most part, they did. The 4 Brent backs had only 25 points in Week 3 and just bumped that total up to 31 in Week 4. They can hardly be compared to a monster. Only LaDainian Tomlinson had a good game with 15 points for his second all-pro performance. Tomlinson received half a game ball from Owner Steve Johnson, who brings �a winning team [for now], good draft skills, and a top notch attitude,� to your company. The Brent O-flex combined for 16 points and has scored fewer points in each week of the season. Still, Johnson maintained that he would stick with the same three players in the flex because �Just like Bush...I don't think I've made any mistakes.� No one can mistake the performance of QB Tom Brady who scored 21 points in his first action of the season. Johnson gave the other half of the gameball to Brady and called him �a damn good 'backup'.� The Brents were not helped in their winning effort by Hines Ward (3 points), Ryan Longshanks (a mere PAT), and L.J. Smith who failed to score. Johnson scolded, �Son, you dropped a pass in the endzone. Not cool.� Speaking of not cool, this reminded us how much we dislike using �son� as a condescending sobriquet. If you want to talk down to someone, call them �idiot,� �jerk,� or �inbred hillbilly moron,� but don�t call them �son.� As long as we are on the vein, when is America going to learn the difference between �lose� and �loose.� Somebody help me out! Also in need of help are the Envy, who need more scoring. Their lone TD came from Jeremy Shockey, who earned a gameball, �not only did he score the only Envy TD, but he did it against the Packers to provide the Giants� winning margin. He may be a punk, but with moves like that, he is quickly looking like a two time keeper.� How�s that for incentive. Missner � who said he brings �Good Times!� to your company � was not pleased by 3-point scoring Fred Taylor, �he was supposed to get the ball early and often against the Colts, so I was expecting at least one TD. Fragile Freddy may be healthy, but he�s not producing.� The list of other Envy players that did not perform up to standards was too long to mention, especially for the one-time ambitious Missner who described his personal weakness as �I used to be a workaholic, but through copious intravenous drug use, I have overcome that problem and now don�t care one way or the other.� Intravenous drug use, not alcohol, saves the day this time. Drug habits aside, Missner claimed his 5-year plan was �I will either be CEO of this company or will have demoted to janitor. There are no in betweens.� We think Missner should learn to use a dust mop � the sooner, the better. Back on dry land, Missner commented, �This one stings. The Brent backs did not dominate the game and yet we failed to take advantage of the situation. My 49 gambles did not work out and we just didn�t get the sweet TD�s of the first two weeks. It�s clear we are different team without Urlacher. Hopefully his hammy gets better soon.� A rosy Johnson saw himself in 5 year plans at �the start of Kerry's 2nd term with a lot of championship trophies.� He was able to take the high road commenting on the game, �Another tough win over a respected franchise.�
Bull Syracuse 44�s 89 Einar�s Lovable Losers 71 There are many famous quotes about the city of St. Louis, but perhaps the most famous came from Brewers� baseball announcer and subpar catcher Bob Eucker, who said, �The highlight of my career? In '67 with St. Louis, I walked with the bases loaded to drive in the winning run in an intersquad game in spring training.� Those words were something that Owner John Stoer took to heart when he formulated this year�s Syracuse 44�s. So the 44�s live and die with St. Louis. While not scoring a ton of points, the 44/Rams (who combined for 28 points) were able to lead the troops of light against Owner Steve �Darth Einar� Olson, his pupil Amber, and the storm trooping Losers. Stoer has learned a thing or two about evil and weakness in his life. These learnings could easily be summed up with the little story: �When I was a kid, I shoplifted a pack of baseball cards from a 7/11. Now I don't go to 7/11's anymore.� Not even for blue Slurpees? For shame. In any case, was not left feeling blue by his old friend Marvin Harrison, who scored a TD and 9 points. It seems like Harrison is just getting warm. However, the 44�s were led in scoring from a very unusual source, �Like Lt. Dan in Forrest Gump, I had my showdown with God last week. God apparently showed mercy upon my tattered soul by placing before me a miracle unto nature- Emmitt Smith. There is no other word than Hallelujah!� Yes, �Old Man River himself,� Emmitt was reborn with 18 points and seemed to enjoy playing just that little bit more against Darth Einar. Needless to say, it was Smith�s first all-pro performance since 1998. Maybe it�s time to do the respectable thing and retire, eh, Emmitt? David Akers broke his own, one week old, season kicking record with 14 (topping his previous high of 12) and the defense added 18 more points. Stoer added that he could bring �a profound sense of resignation and an ability to run the NCAA pool� to your company. His only source of consternation was not brought about the forces of evil, but by Boo Williams (2 points), who received �another shout out, his 2nd of the season with as many teams.� While watching from the sidelines, a visibly confused Einar did not appreciate his team�s play. While seeing Ahole �Put it on the� Green (3 points) live up to his name again and Booger Frankfurter (1 point) do nothing special, Darth Einar awkwardly repeated, �It�s hard work,� again and again. When asked where he would like to see Reggie Wayne (1 point � we told you so) next week, Einar stammered, �What about Poland!?! Don�t forget about Poland!� It was up to a cool and calm Veep Amber to rescue the Losers in the country�s eyes, when she announced to Joe Horn, �I�ve been the head of the Senate for 3 years and I�ve never met you.� Horn just rolled his eyes. The Losers were paced by Edgerrin James (12 points), Jason Elam (11 points), and the d-flex, which combined for 26. The Losers, who have lost to the 44�s more than any other team, fell to 0-4. Darth retreated to his hyperbolic chamber to breathe deeply after the loss. While the win and recent end of the baseball season made Stoer hope for future days, when he attends �Camden Yards as the reigning World Series champion Baltimore Orioles prepare to defend their title.� Be it in 5 years � or 50.
The Ballbusters 97 County Coroners 43 �Boozehound (booz`hound`) � One who drinks alcoholic beverages habitually and excessively. See Kerry Collins.� If only Owner Chad Nuss had had access to dictionary.com before Week 4, he might have seen the definition and given his team a better chance to win. Yes, it appears that Collins was so excited to get re-signed by a Modano franchise that he broke out his keg of Bud Light and sucked down suds until his coordination was utterly impaired � 45 minutes before game time. While not the wisest of moves, Collins appeared to be having fun, fumbling and heaving tosses into triple coverage, while not caring a wink. While watching this show of ineptitude, the ever suspicious Nuss began to think that Pats fan Owner Rich Joseph (who, by the way, brings �motivation, good looks and brilliance� to your company � now who wouldn�t want that?) was in on the conspiracy to gun him down. Joseph, whose history with the league is quite young, pleaded innocent on the charges, but promised Nuss he would have his governmental friends check up on the comings and goings of Eugene Chung. In exchange, and for the third time in as many meetings, the Coroners decided to flop in front of the Busters and take their whupping. Last year the Coroner-Buster tilts provided 100.5-46 and 135-77 laughers and 2004 did not provide much of a change. Peyton Manning was zinging darts all over the field as he became the only Modano player to begin the season with 4 straight all pro games. Manning�s passing lanes were kept open with the threat of Priest Holmes� running. Holmes earned another gameball �as usual� for his 20 points. Holmes also inspired the Buster O-flex to have its best game with all three nameless wonders and backups scoring a TD. Only Santana Moss received his owner�s scorn for thinking he was still on the bye week. Joseph promised to be �right here� 5 years from now and confessed that his weakness is �partying too much and I still haven't overcome it yet!� Good old, alcohol, what day won�t it save? The only Coroners to not roll over was Curtis Martin, who scored his third all-pro game with 16. The surprising Martin is now only 6 points behind the league�s leading RB (Priest Holmes), despite having played one less game. Philip Buchanon and Brian Westbrook paced the rest of the team with 11, but it was Collins -8 that had people worried about Nuss. Making matters worse, the Raiders were given a strong performance by Amos Zereoue who was snatched off the waiver wire by one time Coroner nemesis, the Cubists. Maybe they had something to do with the shooting plot. In spite of scoring 97 points for the third week in a row (as well as the team�s second straight blow out), Joseph summed up the Week 4 experience, �We felt a little lucky this week�
Week 5 previews - Owner Randy Chambers welcomes back his three keepers from the bye week in time to see the St. Louis/Syracuse 44�s on the other side of the grid iron. Last year, the Beers swept the series convincingly but that may have been due to their name not allowing Owner John Stoer to keep his mind on business. This year, Chambers has dubbed his team the Biers, which should allow Stoer to focus. Stoer commented, �Every year I say the same thing- To be the best, you have to beat the best- and every year I get spanked by the Biers or Cubists or whomever. This year I think the magnitude of the game speaks for itself and I just need to figure if I'm going to stick with Emmitt or give the Super Rook [Roy Williams] his shot. It'll be a game time decision.� The 44�s will also have to pick a kicker with David Akers on the bye. Having no kicker did not help the Wookies in Week 3 if memory serves me correctly. Stoer also hopes to have an injury free LaVar Arrington to line up against the team that drafted him. Chambers, whose team holds a 9-3 edge in the series, is loyally keeping Matt Bowen in the lineup and is giving a start to Patrick Kearney, a Simpsons bully. Chambers warned other owners, �Watchout league. The Seahawks and Vikes have had their bye. Normally, that could cost us two games, but this time only one.� The No. 2 team on the standing currently, the Weaselicious Cookies, go slumming in the land of P-Miss to face the struggling Envy. Owner Dan Weitz looked over the match up sheet and said, �I wish my old friend Perry all the luck in the world nothing personal but you are just the next person who will get their #$##$ #$##$ #$#$#$. Dr. Norstrand please stop shocking me. On a side note Einar who is the king of Hot Shots golf 4?� Hey, what does that have to do with Modano league football? Nothing, so we officially dock the Cookies 20 points in Week 5. Maybe that will keep it close. Missner, whose team leads the series 6-5, commented, �The byes (our Chad Johnson and Thomas Jones vs. the Cookies Donovan McNabb) even things out, but I have a feeling that our blitzing style is going to leave Vinny Testaverde a crumpled mess. We are also counting on some young guys to break out, which is never a smart thing to do.� Those young guys include Ronald Curry and Nate Burleson, while Rod Coleman makes his defensive debut for the bye-ing Urlacher. The Cookies have not named McNabb�s replacement yet, but ancient Testaverde is the only other QB on the roster. Maybe Weitz would prefer Josh McNown � we�ve heard he has a lot of potential. Another 3-1 team is Owner Rich Joseph�s Ballbusters. They, like the Cookies, have won three in a row. Will they be able to keep the �Train a roolin' all night long���.�? Once again Owner Will Mitchell looks to be the receiver of some bye luck as the Busters will be without both Priest Holmes and Tony Gonzalez. Chester Taylor and Dallas Clark are their replacements with a replacement for Monty Beisel still not being named. The Wookies will also be without Rudi Johnson, but Mike Alstott has been named as a starter. Will this be the one game per year that Alstott scores three TD�s? Mitchell hopes so. The Busters took care of business twice last year. The 4th and final 3-1 team are the Brentless Brents. Owner Steve Johnson hopes the downward trend of his running attack is fixable, but is going with pretty much the same lineup. He is making the unfortunate swap of Matt Hassleback for Tom Brady and Shad Meier is his TE. The Brents have beaten the Coroners 7 out of 9 times, but we hope that seeing Kerry Collins as the Coroners starting QB doesn�t cause the Brents to fall into fits of laughter. Johnson, who team swept the series in 2003 by scoring 100+ in both games, said, �Now we march into Raider Nation, and hopefully not into the Black Hole.� Nuss will be trying Erron Kinney to help boost the league�s worst TE position (tied with the Brents) and hopes his team does not continue to lose points (-1.25 per game) from the QB slot. Lastly, the Cubists hope to keep the Dark Einar and his Losers winless. A sober Owner Jason Moore commented, �No TO means we could be in trouble offensively... hopefully Darrell Jackson will continue our WR touchdown streak, Lee Suggs will make an impressive debut, and the Losers will continue their hard-luck ways.� The Cubists have had their problems beating the Einar in the recent past as the Losers have taken the last three match ups and hold a 5-3 series edge. The Einar needs to find a replacement for Brian Dawkins and would be wise to bench Reggie Wayne and Javon Walker for the extended future.
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