Weaselicious Cookies 108 Syracuse 44’s 107 Before 2004, everyone pretty much knew what to expect when it came to Owner Dan Weitz: his team would start off slow and remain near the bottom of the standings, he would rely on his young daughter for stability, and he might even use his quick hook to cut a future MVP. 2004, however, has brought new things to Ripon, WI, including very strong prescription medicine to balance even the most unbalanced of minds. Friends thought Weitz was kidding when he said he was going to get some counseling in order to improve his ownership skills, but it looks like Weitz is going to get the last laugh (even though his sense of humor may be permanently removed). If the Cookies luck holds up, we may see 9 new patients for Dr. Van Nostrand. However, before all of us call the Office of Modern Psychiatry on West Thorne St. in Ripon, let us recount the tale of one of the greatest comeback wins in Modano history. For that, we need to look to the Cookies’ Week 3 opponent, the hard luck Syracuse 44’s. Using a lineup that would make Mark McGwire proud, Owner John Stoer built up a vast lead on Sunday afternoon. QB Marc Bulger scored his first all pro game of the season with 23 points, including a couple of TD’s and a precious 2-point conversion. While Stoer refused to give out a gameball for the loss, he did say that Bulger played the Cookie defense like Jerry Garcia during one of his creative 20 minute jams. Bulger directed his Ram mates (the ewes?) to 30 more points (Faulk, Holt, and Bruce), while Marvin Harrison had a sweet, sweet TD against the underwhelming Packer defense. Drug using Onterrio Smith ran and caught for 9 points and the Sunday defensive combination of Griffith and Lewis combined for 18 more. David Akers set a season high for kicking with 12 points. Heading into Sunday night, the 44’s scored 103 points and weren’t even that concerned about former longtime QB Donovan McNabb. Unlike 2003, when McNabb came out of the gates like a elderly woman who has just received a hip replacement (something Stoer doesn’t much like to watch on the tube), McNabb has taken to 2004 like the proverbial ball O’fire. McNabb scored his 3rd consecutive all pro game with a season low of 26 points. Yes, that’s right, his season low is 26! One of his scores went to Rod Smith, who had 11 points. Sunday night also belonged to the Cookies as they used the extra evening matchup to play catch-up James Farrior and Derrick Brooks (who are to Sunday nights like Bill & Ted are to air guitars) led the charge with 22 points and combined with David Thornton – who made a closing moment interception off of Doug Pederast (wjp was given a gameball by Weitz) – for a season high Cookie DF of 35. The Cookies are the only team to use the same 3 players for their D-flex for all three games and it seems to be working as they have the top rated defense in the league. Sebastian Janakowski joined the Sunday night party by equaling Akers production of 12. Weitz compared Janakowski’s kicking to facial hair on men: “good, although facial hair on women is not good.” The Sunday night fireworks set the stage for Monday. The 44’s held a 2-point lead (103-101) and had Marcus Washington left in their chamber, while the Cookies countered with Jason Witten. When Witten scored a TD midway through the third quarter, Stoer (who has this to say about facial hair: “Too itchy for me after a week but if other people can put up with it, kudos to them.”) knew he had to get some more tackles from Washington. It didn’t happen and the Cookies scored the highest scoring one point victory in Modano history (the Coroners did win a 104-104 tie against the Bears in 2001). The 44’s also tied the second highest score to lost a game (in 2001 again, the Bears lost to the Cubists 107-123 and the Cubists lost to the Losers 110-130). An angst-ridden Stoer cried out, “Is this what I get for trading away God's Other Son? Is this my punishment? The vengeance I have brought upon myself? This was the single worst loss in 44 history coinciding as it did with the Skins-Cowboys game. If I ever see Jason Witten walking down the street or sitting in a restaurant, I swear on anything and everything holy or sacred in this world that I will cut off his [testicles] and send them overnight express to Dan's house as my way of saying 'good game'. Mother [of Oedipus]!” Had he lost, Weitz said he would have forced himself to watch 24 hours of “the antichrist Oprah and her demon spawn Dr. Phil,” but with the win, he commented, “I'm feeling good today I won’t need meds this week to ‘maintain balance.’ The whole team can take 1 hour off this week.”
Bull City Biers 109 Einar’s Lovable Losers 103 Talk had bandied about the airwaves after Week 2 about whether or not a 2004 Modano team could fly through the season undefeated. Most of this talk centered on the Bull City Biers (which is especially appropriate since both the Brents and Envy, who were 2-0, lost). Coming off an off week that saw the Biers score just 67 points and still manage to win, some people believed this might be the year for an undefeated Modano team (never mind that no team has been better than 14-3 in any one season). One lone voice thought the feat was impossible based on the fierce competition in the league. Yet, this lone voice also championed the Biers for a Week 3 victory over Owner Steve “Darth Einar” Olson and his young accomplice Amber Weitz. It is amazing what a week of practices with Amber can do for a squad that was previously quite unfocused and clearly undisciplined. In the week preceding the battle against the Biers, Amber worked especially hard with the offensive flex. The work paid off – in spades – as the O-flex put up 58 points, including 46 points in one game. Javon “Dumb as a Post” Walker scored a career game with 28 points and a gameball – he is evidently done for the year. Reggie Wayne also had his one big game per season with 18. Einar, upon seeing his student’s skills, bellowed, “Impressive. Most impressive. Obi-Dan has taught you well. You have controlled your fear. Now, release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.” He then cackled uncontrollably while Amber just rolled her eyes. Only QB Steve “Pear” McNair seems to have a lot of the rebel alliance in him, as he only managed 2 points, causing Darth to exclaim, “Asteroids do not concern me, Admiral. I want that ship, not excuses.” While no one knew what he was talking about, most of the Loser employees just cowered in fear. Speaking of movies, the Einar claimed he never watches Skin-a-max, but smiled awkwardly while saying it. While even Owner Randy Chambers was impressed by the highest scoring offensive flex since his own team’s trio scored 73 points in 2001, it was just business as usual for the two time defending champion. As it seems a matter of simple routine, Chambers handed out gameballs to “Tiki and the Big 3 [Culpepper, Moss, and Alexander] who scored points like Who guitarist Pete Townsend bloodied his fingers while playing power chords or looking at bad stuff on the Internet (in other words, all the time). Culpepper and Alexander each scored 3 TD’s, while Moss scored a pair before gingerly stepping out of bounds. The Big 3 plus Tiki combined for 82% of the team’s points, while the rest of the team was what Chambers deemed “not-so-Peerless.” For their one point performance, Price and Matt Bowen were sentenced to watch Fox News to learn something about being fair and balanced. In his post game press conference, Chambers first announced the team’s facial hair regulations (“Anti-sideburns. Anti-mustache. All else goes.”) before commenting on the win, “I wish Laverneauios Coles had gotten his first half TD, even if it would have cost me a tie. Alas.” Darth Einar said, “Score 103 and lose,” followed by the announcement, “Shave for work, let it grow on the day off.”
San Francisco Cubists 103 Brentless Brents 87 Brent Farf. Those two words conjure up many images for many people. The one thing we can all agree upon is the man is an inbred, hillbilly moron who clearly has a deal with Satan himself to overcome his severely limited intelligence to allow him to function as part of society at large. In Week 3, the focus was squarely on the redneck imbecile as his former owner of many years met his current owner. Word on the street even has Farf starring in his own sitcom after retiring at season’s end. What channel? “Its gots to be the WB, yo.” Owner Steve Johnson, who let his team go from Brentful to Brentless at this year’s draft, knew that Farf’s deal with Beelzebub can have some bad side effects. Hoping to continue his team’s early undefeated streak, the Brents fell over themselves in an efforts to get out of Farf’s way and allow him to score in as many ways as we thought possible. The crooked grinned QB had his best game probably ever as he not only scored 35 points (and we know that a deal must have been reached between Farf and awful Brent D before the game to allow such a ridiculous amount) but clearly demoralized the once potent Brent four headed running attack. The runners who had each produced an all-pro game in Weeks 1 and 2 failed to produce any in Week 3. Johnson lamented, “I can at least understand LT not doing well against Denver [he scored 5 points], but Q!, you lost me points against the SD 'Defense'! What the hell? I was expecting big things!” Yes, just as Quentin Griffith locked up the ball, Farf used his hellish powers to make the ball come unhinged and create a -2 for Griffith. Jay Bellamy also looked ready to head back to his career with Bel Biv Devoe as he only had 2 points. The Brents did have some nice players [like “Hendrix, one of the pioneers, everyone is just following him.”] as he noted, “C. Brown. Hasselbeck did well [20 points and his first all pro game], as did Ward [12 points], but I didn't expect much from Chris Brown [14 points] against the stout Jacksonville D, and he just continues to produce.” While Farf scored a lot, he didn’t have all of the Cubists’ points. His hellish minions contribute to the 103 total as fellow drug trafficker Jamal Lewis had 21. In fact, if you add Farf and Lewis’s totals to that of TE Alge Crumpler and the entire Cubist O-flex (those four players scored 10), you get the grand total of 66! Oh my god! Owner Jason Moore has clearly lost control of his team and may have to battle the devil incarnate to get them back. Because of the battle to come, Moore was unable to comment on the big win. Local reporters went after Johnson quickly for the loss as their first question was “What the hell is that on your face?” To which, Johnson responded, “I want to look like a pirate ..uh..or a Musketeer!” Other comments from Johnson included, “I must bow my head to a good team ran expertly by the best field general in the game, [Ugly Dumb] Bre[n]t himself. [And not rival owner Moore – ooh, dis!] He came out firing, making it impossible for us to keep up, and showing how he should have been my #1 after all.”
The Ballbusters 97 P-Miss Envy 63 The P-Miss Envy had a lot of pundits calling them this season’s surprise hit through the first two weeks of the season. Owner Perry Missner had used some powerful QB play as well as a favorable schedule to position his team among the league leaders in wins compared to losses. However, in Week 3, the schedule became more difficult with the arrival of Owner Rich Joseph and his Ballbusters. Joseph, who believes in the credo, “if you’ve got facial hair, use it to your advantage,” knew his team would need an extra special performance to give the Envy their first loss on the young season and he looked to QB Peyton Manning. Manning, who was playing against a team that blitzed him time and time again despite being continually burned, made a mockery of the Packer defense by throwing on his first 22 snaps and filling his stat sheet with an impressive 5 TD’s. Manning’s 43 points were the second highest total ever in Modano history for a QB (only surpassed by his 46 points against the Cubists last year) and effectively ended the game. Both teams gave Manning their gameball as Missner commented, “He was the difference in the game and he made the weekend football watchable. It’s too bad the Colts didn’t keep the pedal to the metal and keep throwing. Edgerrin is overrated.” The Envy were without their leader and QB Chad Pennington, who was on the bye, and had sadly replaced him with the laughable Josh McCown. McCown displayed great nervousness on his first start of the season and was unable to hold onto the ball, fumbling three times and costing his team three points. Apparently, Missner should not be near quarterbacks of Scottish descent as McCown follows in the poor history of McNabb, McNair, and Cade McNown. Making matters worse, the Envy had to provide a late substitution for defensive leader Brian Urlacher, who was out with a tight hammy. His replacement, Lance Briggs, scored just 4 points and was cut after the game. Watching Briggs for Missner was like watching “the Christian station. I guess I could turn it there for some humor, but it doesn’t even strike me as funny. I just want to turn it as fast as I can.” Happier notes were played (like Jimi Hendrix waling away on his guitar. “Incredible to listen to and doesn’t seem at all dated.”) by Thomas Jones, who scored his third all pro game in a row with 17 points. Fred Taylor also had his first TD and Ed Reed scored 13. The supporting performances for the Busters were not terribly strong as well. Tony Gonzalez found pay dirt for the first time this season and Mike Vanderjagt added a season high 11. Neither James Hall nor Koren Robinson scored a point and Joseph deemed their performances like watching the History Channel – not interesting unless you really care about the Luftwaffe. With the game already out of reach, ultra-feminine Terri Glenn rubbed some salt in the Envy wound by prancing to a TD and 9 points. Joseph was unapologetic about sending the lady-like Glenn for deep. A troubled Missner commented, “We did a nice job slowing down all of the Busters except Manning – what can you do? I enjoyed watching Manning torch the Packers, in spite of the loss. One has to keep in mind the bigger picture. We’ll have to try to knock Peyton out next time.” He added, “Goatees are for inbred, hillbilly morons.”
County Coroners 78 Peaks Island Wookies 30 Commercials for this game had tried to lure viewers in by stating, “Someone has to win.” And someone did. One team looked to reconnect to their past, while the other one kicked their past into the refuse heap. Owner Chad Nuss knew his team could be competitive but heretofore in 2004 he had not put the pieces together. In the practices prior to playing the Wookies, Nuss stressed two things: Raiders and defense. The two pieces of the Coroner puzzle came together real well and it helped that rival Owner Will Mitchell was more worried about the severe accusations that were floating during midweek. It seems that Mitchell has met hired gunman Eugene Chung on several occasions and even ate at the family restaurant, Chung Garden in downtown Portland, Maine a time or two. Upon learning of these facts, Nuss sent an email market urgent (with an exclamation mark) to Mitchell demanding an explanation. Nuss reportedly wrote, “I know you know Eugene Chung. Why would you want to do this to me? It can’t be about hating the Patriots, can it? So help me God, if you had anything to do with this, I am going to take out Tom Brady and Bill Belichek.” A concerned Mitchell quickly replied, “Dude, I didn’t even know that was Eugene Chung’s restaurant. They don’t even have very good food. Anyway, I think someone is trying to frame me. I found Chung Garden menus under my windshield wiper. If it helps, I’ll send you a map to get to Chung Garden and maybe you can confront the hit man yourself.” While Nuss was appeased somewhat, he was left quite suspicious and decided to stoke the fire under his team to play with unprecedented ardor. This passionate response was evident in the play of Michael Strahan who tied a defensive season high of 21 points and harassed Michael Vick into a -2 performance, earning scorn from Mitchell. Strahan teamed with Philip Buchanon, who scored the season’s first defensive TD, to pull out 37 points and the season high for a Modano D-flex. The Coroners also received TD’s from Aaron Stecker and Tyrone Wheatley (who combined for 26 points). Nuss still has some issues to iron out as QB Rich Gannon got hurt and didn’t score. Doug Jolley also did not find any points next to his name. The Coroners are receiving a league worst 1 point per game from both the TE and QB positions. The Wookies were in even worse shape as no one scored a TD and the team was led by Jamie Sharper’s 7 points. This caused Mitchell to exclaim, “Gameball? What gameball?” To no one’s surprise, Anthony Thomas did not score, but at least he played. Kevin Jones got hurt while John Kasay sat out due to his bye in Week 3. The horrible week, which echoed 2003 when the Wookies lost to the Coroner 29-79 in Week 8, made Mitchell wallow in his inability to grow facial hair. Some Peaks Island residents believe that the whole disaster could have been diverted had Mitchell chosen to play QB Drew Bledsoe, but Bledsoe was cut so that Marcus Trufant (4 points) could play. Now that’s some bad mojo.
Week 4 previews - Speaking of the Wookie matchup in Week 4, the winless and lowest scoring team looks all the way up the standings to the undefeated and highest scoring team, the Bull City Biers, and hopes not to get buried. Actually, Owner Will Mitchell has some hope and has crafted that bit of hope into a tinge of arrogance, as he stated, “The Biers got nothing on us. Culpepper, Moss, Alexander – these guys all suck – they don’t stand a chance – actually they rock but are all on bye. Maybe I can dig up some players to put up more than one or two points each and give them a shock…” Mitchell does welcome back his reason for being, Daniel Graham, and gives debuts to David Givens and Ashley Ambrose. Owner Randy Chambers, whose team leads the series 7-2 despite getting only a split in 2003 (including a 125-51 whitewashing by the Wookies in Week 12) will be playing without his keepers, but he stated, “Next week is hell week for the Biers. Jake and the bench-rats will have to light the bier while the Big 3 rest. You always have to respect a Wookie.” Jake, in this case, is Jake Plummer – a Peter King favorite. He will be joined by bench rat Plexico Burress. The Bier D will also be without Antoine Winfield who will be replaced by Matt “1 point” Bowen. New and old generation winners take opposite sides as the #2 scoring Weaselicious Cookies and the #3 scoring San Francisco Cubists face off. As aforementioned, the league is seeing a new Owner Dan Weitz in 2004. The fully medicated Weitz commented, “The Cubists usually beat us so I will be taking my meds starting today. Dr. Van Norstrand, I will need extra sessions this week. MEDIC!!” The Cubists do lead the series 8-4, but the teams split last year. Weitz will probably need an extra dosage of the good stuff when he sees inbred, moron QB Brent Farf drooling at him. Weitz’s is at no love loss for Farf, who will probably be pummeled by the league’s best defensive flex. The Cookies will be without TE Jason Witten, who hopefully has not run into Owner John Stoer in the past couple of days, but Donovan McNabb should be able to continue his hot streak against the injury plagued Bears in the city that he grew up in. Another battle of teams that are 2-1 takes place as both the Brentless Brents and P-Miss Envy are hoping to rebound from their first losses. Owner Steve Johnson set the tone of the battle: “An emotional game to get me back into my winning ways.” Johnson will be relying on his four-headed running attack to score more than 25 points. Week 4 marks the debut of Tom Brady who was snatched off the Cookies roster for a couple of RB’s. Owner Perry Missner viewed the matchup thusly: “We’ll have Pennington back, so our offense will be focused on redeeming itself. The Brents have a heckuva running attack so we are going to need Urlacher to be back as well. Hopefully, the hamstring gods allow quick healing for Brian. Looks like we are going to have to aim for Brady’s knees, then Davey can play!” It doesn’t look good for Urlacher, but Julius Peppers returns from the bye and he has a knack for injuring knees. The Envy, who are tied in the series history 4-4 despite being swept in 2003, are also debuting Tim Carter and Derek Smith. The team that just beat the Envy, the Busters are ready to score their third win of the season, but they’ll have to beat the rejuvenated Coroners to do so. The Busters swept the series in 2003 and Owner Rich Joseph commented, “Back to full strength after sending the 2nd team against the Envy! Look out Coroners!” Yes, Santana Moss and DeShaun Foster are back and Monty Beisel makes his debut as the third piece of the Buster D-flex. The first three defensive players to join Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas have been busts, so Beisel is being counted on. The Coroners, coming off their first win of the season, welcome back their stud runner Curtis Martin and old drunken friend Kerry Collins makes his boozy debut. Finally, the 44’s hope to break a two game slide as they take on the bottom dwelling Einar’s Lovable Losers. Owner John Stoer has always had trouble defeating Einar crony Amber, but that was when Amber was holding the Cookie ship together. Amber may be embracing the dark side of Dark Einar and no one can foretell its effects. Stoer, who is disgusted with his team, said, “Who gives a stinky liquid crap.” Yech. The 44’s debut Dan Morgan and are trying an homage to the cerebral assassin, Hunter Hearst Hemsley (aka Triple-H), in their O-flex with Holt, Harrison, and Houshmandzadeh. The Einar, who finds himself down in the series 3-5 in spite of the split in 2003, has not changed his lineup, but there is no way his O-flex scores 58 points ever again.
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