Weaselicious Cookies 103 Einar�s Lovable Losers 90 An uneasy peace had settled between the rivalry between the Cookies and Losers. Owner Dan Weitz had continued his intense hypnotherapy treatment. Although Weitz was scheduled for treatment every day prior to the big game on Sunday, he still wanted his team to win, so he skipped his treatment on game day, leaving him a bit unstable for the game. While emotional reserve has never been a Weitz strength, there was no way he could have prepared for the shock that would greet him on the opposing sideline this past Sunday. Owner Steve �Darth Einar� Olson, despite his stated interest in young males, had spent the summer recruiting a new defensive coordinator. Einar (who doesn�t like the cramped bathrooms in airplanes because he needs more room to do his business) knew that the Cookies were gaining on them, so he pulled out all of the stops in getting the right person. In exchange for math tutoring and a box of Chips Ahoy a week, the Einar lured former Cookie Owner Amber Weitz to the dark side. Amber had been looking to get out from under her father�s shadow (Old Dan) and had always viewed the Einar as a decent sort of chap. Upon seeing his eldest daughter on the other side of the gridiron, Weitz made a series of popping noises and twitched nervously. �No, honey,� Weitz said, �you�re supposed to be over here � James Farrior needs you.� �I�m sorry, Daddy,� Amber responded, �I am with the Losers now. I know this won�t make you happy, but I gotta try it.� Weitz murmured quietly, �Serenity now� repeatedly and made his way to his own sideline. The Losers took the early lead as Edgerrin James had his first all pro game of the season with 20 points. The Einar, who cemented his evil standing by stating he last puked during �John Kerry�s nomination speech� gave the Edge the gameball. The Einar continued his evil rant by saying he preferred the Yankees to the Cubs and if he had his druthers we�d all be speaking German now. Heil Einar! The Empire was helped along by Steve �Boba Fett� McNair�s TD toss to Joe �Greedo� Horn. The Losers defense also had a surprising 26 points. The low point of the game for the Losers was Kellen Winslow Jr. breaking his leg. Elsewhere, Ahole �Put it on the� Green played like his name and coughed up the ball once again, leading to a sweet Chicago Bear TD in the Bears� triumph over Evil. Although the Einar mentioned that the Bears still suck, we can promptly say that they don�t suck quite as much as the Packers. Speaking of the nasty pee yellow and barf green, Weitz commented, �Pecker colors will cause even the strongest stomachs to heave.� Weitz also commented on what�s wrong with air travel these days: �Hmmm how bout friggin slow ass people in front of me or big fat asses that sit next to me. Oops I mean I love all gods creatures.� The Cookies were in a collective shock at the betrayal of Amber. Since Amber had inside information on all of the Cookies, they had troubles finding the endzone. Only Chris Chambers had a TD on Sunday and his 10 points were matched by Corey Dillon. Adam Vinatieri set a season K high with 11 points. The Einar�s insidious gameplan was working to perfection with the dark side up 14 points, but there was just one thing he couldn�t account for � that bastion of light and goodness � Donovan McNabb. Early Monday afternoon, McNabb grabbed Weitz by the lapels and shook him out of his hypno-trance. Thereafter, McNabb and Weitz made a gameplan in which they used Amber�s knowledge against her. McNabb was unstoppable in running and throwing for 27 points (that�s 62 points in two weeks for the once double d-cup bust), leading the Cookies to the 13-point win. As soon as the game was finished, Weitz sat in a hyperbolic chamber for three hours to release his anger. Reporters that were waiting for him asked him who should be given the gameball (�to the Einar (twitch) for giving an all out effort(twitch).�), who performed below standards (Everyone (twitch) is a winner (twitch) on our team,� and for any other comments (�I would like to congratulate (twitch) the Einar on a well fought match (twitch) and much luck this season. AHHHHHHHH my head.�)
The Ballbusters 97 San Francisco Cubists 84 The 2004 meeting of the Cubists and Busters, renewed an old QB rivalry. Once upon a time, Peyton Manning and Brent Farf had to share the QB slot for the Brentless Brents. The two did not get along, to the credit of Manning. Now, when they find themselves pitted against one another, Manning generally does his best Joey Galloway impression and puts some impressive points on the board. Week 2 was no different as Manning chicken flapped his way to 20 points and provided peerless leadership. Meanwhile, Farf kept on confusing disgusting colors for true colors while throwing pick after pick. It looks like it is going to be one of those seasons for the inbred hillbilly moron. Owner Jason Moore let Farf know in no uncertain terms that his play better improve or else he will be sentenced to sit on a flight from Taiwan to Los Angeles with a screaming baby behind him. Moore then compared Farf�s play to the time in 1990 he drank 9 flaming Dr. Peppers � pukesville! Clearly, that relationship is not off to a good start. Meanwhile, Jake Delhomme�s 18 points were wasted on the bench. What a waste! Despite Farf�s awkward handing off motion, the Cubist RB�s were able to find the endzone repeatedly. Kevan Barlow earned the gameball for his 19 points and he was backed up by Jamal Lewis who snorted his way to 16 points. Terrell Owens scored his 4th TD of the season and had 11 points. Owens also told Playboy magazine during the offseason that he had no reason not to believe that Farf was �a flaming homosexual � not that there is anything wrong with that.� Owens claimed, �If he walks like a fairy, speaks like a fairy, and throws like a fairy � well, you draw your own conclusions.� While the Cubists scored 6 TD�s, they were matched by the Busters who lost in Week 1 in 2003 before ripping off 9 wins. Surprise starter DeShaun Foster earned the gameball for his 17 points and Priest Holmes scored a below average 11. Koren Robinson scored the 6th TD and scored 10 points. Only David Terrell had a clear off game as he ran backwards 15 yards and fumbled, which reminded Owner Rich Joseph of �the last time my wife cooked.� Confucius say: �That not nice.� The difference between the two teams was the Busters D, which made the Cubists players hurt worse than the cramped seating on airplanes. Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas had 13 points apiece, providing the difference in the game (the Cubist D combined for 13 points). Moore, taking the first loss of the season as hard as usual, grumbled, �Foster killed us, and so did the Dolphins defenders. Farf isn't getting the job done; had I known the price of Brady was a RB averaging 40 yards a game and an injured third-stringer, I might have solved that problem.�
Brentless Brents 89 Syracuse 44�s 72 For the last three seasons, the Brentful Brents have won their first two games of the season. That seems to be their modus operandi � start fast, gain hope, and fail at the crucial juncture. Well, hope has never been higher in Brentful as the team is unleashing an unprecedented running attack on the league. Last week, Owner Steve Johnson received all pro games from Quentin Griffith and Clinton Portis. Although those two only combined for 6 points this week, both LaDainian Tomlinson and Chris Brown stepped up with all-pro games and a combined 32 points. For those of you keeping track, that�s four different RB all pros in two weeks. In the words of Joey Lawrence, �Whoah.� With all of the Brent runners plunging through the line, Owner John Stoer was forced to move all of his defenders into the box, leaving Hines Ward (17 points) completely open. It�s unfortunate that the Brents don�t have a real QB, but Matt Hassleback will have to do, even though he only scored 7 points. Much like air travel, Hassleback has problems with �Connections. If its not a direct flight its a major pain.� Johnson gave his gameballs to �All my All Pros, especially C. Brown. Nice to have him step up when I need him.� Making Johnson less happy was �all the damn fumbles! Sloppy! (I'm not even going to talk about Boo!)� Even less happy was Stoer, who considers himself Ram tough. His Rams amassed 3 TD�s, but Stoer expected more against the Falcons defense. Stoer refused to give out a gameball or even individual scorn because �We are playing like a bunch of individuals out there and not as a team, so no individual awards till we start caring about each other. No I in team after all.� Unless you are in a Green Bay spelling bee and spell it t-i-e-m, although t-i-a-m is also acceptable. Stoer compared his passing offense to air travel: �Every aspect is equally abhorrent, it should be abolished. Why are we in such a hurry to get places anyway?� Then he compared his rushing offense to �the Skins/Giants game, which caused me to come pretty close to yuking. Honestly, my rushing offense was more like earlier this summer- a bit too much hop flavored water and barf all over the place!� The win for the Brents allowed Johnson to avenge his 2003 Week 17 loss to the 44�s � a time that was equally bad to his last puking �when I was 7 1/2. That�s right, 26 � years. I have lost a hour here and there from booze...but that�s about it.� Overall Johnson seemed satisfied with his team, stating, �I'm going for a 4 headed monster � or at least a rotating 3 headed one.� Stoer summed the game up thusly: �The Bretts are a heckuva team over there. My D did what I asked by keeping his 3 headed monster pretty much in check, but they have enough depth that Hines Ward and Chris Brown just killed us. Even with that, we had a great shot to win this game but just couldn't get it done. Our red-zone offense was pathetic. We could throw on them at will between the 20's, but after that we couldn't punch it in. I think we will look back at week 2 as an opportunity missed, and all you have to do is look at the Biers to see how a championship team can still win even if they are not in the same neighborhood as their best.�
Bull City Biers 67 County Coroners 48 Speaking of the Biers, oh, what a difference a week makes. One week after smashing the Modano record with 161 points against the Cookies (who, by the way, also surrendered the Cubists 151 points in 2000), Owner Randy Chambers showed off that his team could also win in a low scoring, ball control affair. While the Biers scored 12 TD�s in Week 1, they were held out of the endzone on Sunday by the feisty Coroners. Using the almost the same offensive lineup, only Derrick Mason scored more points in Week 2 than in Week 1 (6 to 3). The entire Bier D-flex was not able to equal Antoine Winfield�s Week 1 total (18 to 21) and Shaun Alexander saw his scored drop by 26 points (29 to 3). In this battle of the undead, both teams came out like zombies. The only player that has found the fountain of youth was rejuvenated Curtis Martin who put up his second straight big week. Martin scored 35% of the Coroners points in Week 1 and upped that total to 42% in Week 2. However, that was as much to the rest of the Coroners ineptitude than it was to Martin�s brilliance. It may be that Owner Chad Nuss is concentrating more on his search for who shot him at last year�s Year End Banquet. His progress so far has been slow and steady. Nuss contacted Eugene Chung�s agent and found that the former Patriots offensive lineman was vacation in Thailand with Ricky Williams. Nuss then had his team of private investigators search for Chung�s hidden lair to determine who set him up � or whether Nuss did something to offend Chung himself. With all of this planning going on, Nuss is not only ignoring his Coroners, but his Raiders as well. Moldy Rich Gannon wasted away on the bench even though he scored 12 more points than starter Trent Green. Green appears to be a better backup QB than a starter. Green�s primary receivers Dante Hall and Eddie Kennison dropped ones on the Coroners and Muhsin Muhammed did not better. Even the kicking position, for which the Coroners were once famous, is now a rotation of waiver wire trash. John Hall followed Matt Stover with a mere trey. The match was still close going into Monday with the Coroners actually holding a slim lead. The Coroners had Brian Westbrook, while the Biers countered with the mighty duo of Daunte Culpepper and Randy Moss. Westbrook did score 5, but Culpepper and Moss once again rescued the Biers from the jaws of defeat with a combined 23 points on a late, meaningless TD. Chambers was not able to meet with the press due to a bounced back email and no further investigation by the commissioner. Other league members groused that the Biers were clearly invincible if the best team in the league could win on an off week � 17-0, here the Biers!
P-Miss Envy 99 Peaks Island Wookies 80 In 1999, Owner Will Mitchell broke onto the Modano scene with a sweet 11-6 season. After a pair of sub-.500 seasons, he returned to the top of the heap in 2002 by going 10-7. Apparently, the Wookies are a one-year on, two years off type of team and it looks like 2004 is going to be another off year. Coming off a drubbing by the Cubists in Week 1, the Wookies fell to the surprising P-Miss Envy in a game that featured a bit of nastiness. Owner Perry Missner had promised that his team would be attempting to maim QB Michael Vick, a prodigal son. Vick, however, was up to the challenge as he juked and jived for 18 points � mixing running, passing, and TD scoring into a deadly m�lange. Vick�s main target was the Ben Coates-like Daniel Graham, the league�s leading TE scorer with 27 points in two weeks. Graham set a season standard for his position with 18 points and is fulfilling the Mitchell prophesy. The Wookies received a third all-pro performance from the other side of the ball � Rodney Harrison scored a sweet 19 points. Fellow Pats Deion Branch and Richard Seymour did not help the Wookie cause with a pair of nulls. While the Envy D-flex was aiming for Vick, they actually maimed Deuce McAllister who not only fumbled away a -3 but also hurt himself in the process and will be out for a month or so. Speaking of the league�s best defensive trio, the Envy three combined for 30 points, led by Julius Peppers� first all pro game of 17 points and assisted by Brian Urlacher�s 10. Peppers, a former Wookie player, had hoped he could put the sack on Drew Bledsoe but understood that Vick was the key to the Wookies� future. Thomas Jones got the Envy gameball for his second all pro game. Missner commented, �I am really impressed by his running � the Bears offensive line is doing a good job too, but Jones has burst and he is a nice receiver out of the backfield. And the way he ran out the clock in the fourth quarter was so sweet to me.� The team was led by ever-steady Chad Pennington, who also notched his second all pro game with 20 points. Pennington whipped one TD strike to Donte Stallworth, who had 13 points. Making his first appearance of the season, Jeremy Shockey failed to impress Missner. However, Missner won�t be kept up at night by his TE�s play like he was during his recent air journey. (�It�s either too light, too turbulent, or I just can�t comfortable. Then I get frustrated � it makes for long flights. Also, coconut related desserts are the pits.�) In summary, Missner was happy as his team went to 2-0 for the first time since 2002 and for only the third time ever: �I was surprised and pleased to beat the Wookies this week. I thought we were toast after I saw the big numbers that Vick, Coates, and Harrison put up, but the Wookie supporting cast didn�t come to play. We�ll break Mr. Vick the second time around.�
Week 2 previews - The top team in the league, the Bull City Biers, make their way to the dark side as they face Darth Einar and his young prot�g� Amber. While it�s true that the Biers look like an unstoppable juggernaut, we should keep in mind that they are a combined 22-4 against the Cookies and Coroners. Against the winless Losers, the Biers are a less eye-popping 4-3, although Bull City swept the series in 2003. Although neither team has changed their lineup, the Einar will be without Kellen Winslow Jr. who broke himself in Week 2, while the Biers have three players on the short week � Culpepper, Moss, and Antoine Winfield. The highest profile matchup of the week features the Brents and Cubists. Owner Jason Moore was the originator of the three-headed monster concept �as he molded Terrell Davis, Jamal Anderson, and Fred Taylor into a potent trio in 1998. The 2004 Brents have one-upped the concept by using four primary backs � Tomlinson, Brown, Griffith, and Portis to smash their way to two straight wins. Owner Steve Johnson commented, �Another tough one. I'll have to have my guys step it up again.� History is not on his side as the Cubists hold a 6-3 series edge, although the teams split in 2003. It will also be interesting to see how (or if) Brent plays against the team that he made Brentless. Sadly, Jake Delhomme is on the bye, but Carson Palmer would be a step up in leadership for that idiotic jackoff. The third and final 2-0 team is the P-Miss Envy who have beaten the league�s two doormats so far (Coroners and Wookies). In Week 3, the competition gets a bit stiffer as the Envy take on fellow three-fantasy sport competitor the Ballbusters. It looks like Owner Perry Missner is going to get the best of baseball this season and Owner Rich Joseph took home the basketball trophy, so it will be up to coin toss football to decide fantasy supremacy. The Envy will be without leading QB Chad Pennington, who will be replaced with potential laden Josh McNown. Dwight Freeney also makes his Envy debut as he will be mashing Farf into the Indy turf. Missner, whose team actually split with the Busters in 2003, commented, �It seems we are catching the Busters without a few of their players. Of course, we will be without Pennington, which is a problem, because Grossman isn�t ready yet. Manning is tough, but Priest is dinged, so we hope to win again.� Holmes should play, but the Busters are going with a girly in the WR slot and a backup (Chester Taylor) and a dumbass (David Terrell) in the flex. History says the Busters will win, but they have some roster holes to fill. Joseph stated, �We are rolling now, I pity the fools!� In the past battles of the 44�s and Cookies, Owner John Stoer was unable to devise an offense to throw young Amber Weitz off her game. With Amber now living on the Deathstar, Stoer will have a new Cookie challenge � long time QB Donovan McNabb. Stoer, whose team holds a 7-5 series edge, commented, �It won't be easy facing God's Other Son as I am sure that he has been looking forward to this game. Still, we have to focus on ourselves. If the rook has a good week of practice, he may see action this week after a wasted game on the bench last week. And draftee Freddie Jones will take over for the hobbled Todd Heap.� Stoer also gives Robert Griffith a try and the Rams take on the Saints. Weitz is going to have more holes to fill than just his missing defensive coordinator/daughter. Stud runners Corey Dillon and Travis Henry are on the bye and long time Cookie Marshall Faulk is now a 44. The Cookies will also probably go with Sebastian Janakowski in his first non-Coroner showing. On his QB, Weitz commented, �I think we will sit Mcnabb since the 44's are such fans of his. It just wont be right to make him feel bad, my therapist says it would be good for me to consider others feelings first. [Filet] my therapist! (Did I say that out loud?)� Paging, Dr. Van Nostrand. Finally, we have the game that someone must win � the winless Wookies and Coroners. Owner Chad Nuss is going back to his roots, the Oakland Raiders, to get his first win. Nuss is going with 5 Raiders including one time MVP Rich Gannon. Will Owner Will Mitchell counter all of the Raiders by pulling of the plastic wrapping of QB Drew Bledsoe? The Wookies are going to need something as they are going to be without Eric Moulds, Deion Branch, John Kasay, and Rodney Harrison � all on the bye. In a move of sheer desperation to get some good media feedback, Mitchell has inserted Anthony Thomas into the lineup. Yes, we like it although it ain�t smart. The teams have split their 10 matchups. Since Mitchell is a Pats fan, could have something to do with Eugene Chung? Perhaps we�ll find out next week.
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