San Francisco Cubists 142 P-Miss Envy 97 Despite both owners in this match claiming the role of underdog, true Modano fans knew who was the powerhouse and who was the scrappy team clawing for every yard like a bunch of modern day Walter Paytons. Owner Perry Missner knew his team was looking up a great hill, but the team�s early performance left him with at least a glimmering hope that a first championship could be his. Those lofty goals were severely hurt on Saturday when Missner learned that his team�s raison d�etre, QB Steve �Pear� McNair, (who Owner Jason Moore claimed was his own personal bad omen) would in fact not be able to return in time for the game because of complications with his newest bionic implants. To make matters worse, McNair was said to even be contemplating retirement because he was sick of the annual procedures needed to maintain the high technology of his implants. Finally, Missner had the bad fortune to turn on Fox before noon and see a terrible combination: Troy Aikman and Soldier Field, �I knew that I would have to mute the TV for three hours. I listened for awhile this week, but 3 hours of meaningless action was more than I could take. Someone in power in Fox needs to do something about their �golden boy.� He�s a moron.� Missner had no choice but to go back to Chad Pennington (9/118), who had opened the season strongly, but his own injury troubles had left his rotator cuff frayed. The Envy jumped out to an early lead as Thomas Jones (12/114) rumbled into the endzone on just the fourth play of the game. Missner later gave Jones the gameball for his 19 point performance and for �running the ball pretty well this year, but not enough TD�s in the middle of the season.� Spirits were high in P-Miss, but the Cubists were able to dash any Envy momentum early on. First, TE/RB Chris Cooley (2/14) struck TD gold, then LB Keith Bulluck (14/128) scooped up a fumble and pranced into the endzone for a much coveted defensive TD. Domanick Davis (14/169) also continued his nice season with 14 points and Lee Suggs (5/36) added 9. Yet, the never-say-die Envy would not submit � at least not during the early games. Willis McGahee (12/124) ran in two more scores to equal Jones and Ladell Betts (1/13) finished the Envy running attack with a 5th TD. The aforementioned Pennington played into OT, but the damage to his shoulder was obvious as he only three for 1 TD and managed to eke out just 13 points. Missner figured he would still have an advantage at the QB slot as Moore gave the starting nod to Joey Harrington (2/23), mainly to blunt the Envy d-flex from savagely tearing incumbent QB Brent Farf, the inbred hillbilly moron, limb from limb. The tactic seemed to work as the Envy D-flex combined for just 19 points, while Harrington had his greatest day ever with 17 points of his own. When Harrington failed, Jason Hanson (2/20) picked up points � 7 in all. Missner summed up the first half of action, thusly, �We did as well as we could and held even for awhile. Of course, our TD�s were coming from our RB�s, while the Cubists were getting TD�s from the TE and linebackers.� In the second half, the Cubists lowered the boom. Larry Johnson (4/82) continued his second half renaissance with his 4th straight all-pro performance of 22 points. Darrell Jackson (12/76) added fuel to the fire with another TD. The league leading Cubist D-flex, scoring 50 more points than the second rated Envy D-flex, was rounded out by Ronde Barber (8/66) and Takeo Spikes (9/91) combined 15 points. Moore even mentioned the 4th flex member as an all-pro snub, �Donnie Edwards, who should be the FFL defensive player of the year. (Benched today because we worried the Chargers would rest him). Missner also had his own all-pro snub comment about �Brad Maynard � the MVP of the Bears certainly deserved the spot more than false start Olin Kruetz. I also thought too many Packers were selected to the Pro Bowl.� Speaking of the Pack, both owners chimed in to say why Coach Mike Sherman was so bad. Moore said, �He had some stupid replay challenges against the Vikes� among other things, while the more vociferous Missner said, �He is utterly predictable and conservative. He never goes for it on 4th down and he prefers passing to running, when his offense is better at running. Plus, he likes to come off as all pious and family oriented, but every time I see him on the screen, he is dropping f-bombs like Snoop Dogg.� The Envy countered the Cubist late game onslaught with Jeb Putzier (2/13) who had just 4 points and the utterly disappointing Jesse Chatman (1/0), who �was the backup and you still don�t suit up? No one with Chargers got much help. Marty is a jerk.� Julius Jones (6/85) added the exclamation to the win with 18 points � his third all-pro performance � on Sunday night. A spent Missner summed up his team�s battle thusly: �We had a good, surprising season and found some keeper potential to build on next year. Congrats to Jamo for a great season and a championship he truly deserved.� Moore, in all his glory, stated, �Congratulations to the Envy on an excellent season and a good fight this week. My team's finish to the season exceeded my wildest expectations. Outstanding defense down the stretch, season-long excellence by Terrell Owens and Domanick Davis, and a huge late-season spark from our two young RBs... not to mention a much-maligned QB who now owns two Cubist championship rings.� And we thought Joey Harrington wasn�t even in the league the last time the Cubists won the championship. Congratulations, Joey!
Bull City Biers 104 Brentless Brents 56 With the Cubists running away with their game, both Owners Randy Chambers and Steve Johnson knew that the best they could hope for was to show. Chambers had been bridesmaid to Moore�s bride in the past and it is a position that leaves him wanting something more. For Johnson, a tease at the top had happened just last year, before his team pooped out, just as he was ready for his crown. Johnson, however, would have been content to settle for second, and thought that position was within his grasp as Chambers had morally hamstrung himself by benching his trio of Vikings, who had the grim task of facing Chambers� own Redskins. Unbeknownst to Johnson, however, is that the majority of his team decided that they�d rather not play if they couldn�t have championship gold. Johnson complained, �I could have picked up someone...but I didn't think I would need to pick up a whole team.� While his comment was slightly exaggerated, at times, it seemed like the Brents team had left the action, so much like Randy Moss in the closing moments of the Vikings year ending loss (again) to the Skins. Johnson did receive decent QB play from Tom Brady (12/163), who stubbornness of getting more points led to the lack of play of Rohan Davey. Brady ended up with 14 points and was given the gameball for being �the only one who actually played.� Ashley Lelie (7/51) also showed up with a TD and his 10 points were matched by Marcus Trufant (7/55). Other than that, it was like an echoing cavern for the Brents, and the echo said, �Chris Brown....game time decision.� Especially heinous was the Brent O-flex, comprised of three WR�s for the first time, which managed just 3 points, all scored by Donald Driver (7/66). LaDainian Tomlinson (16/210), just another Charger who didn�t play, relinquished his chance at being the number 1 RB. That spot went to Bier RB Shaun Alexander (16/228) who suited up, scored a TD, then commented that he had been stabbed in the back after the Walrus went with a QB sneak from the one. �Damn straight,� said Chambers, who has long held a grudge against the ugly Seattle coach. With Culpepper and Moss on the bench (and combining for 34 points), Chambers needed his bench rats to outperform expectations. And they did. Jake Plummer (2/39) shredded the third string Colt defense for 27 points and Michael Clayton (9/68) finished off a dream rookie season with 12. K Shane Graham (4/25) finally busted up some sod with 9 points. Tiki Barber (14/207) finished off his season in style with a couple of touches and 19 points � his 9th all-pro performance and first since Week 10. Despite the win, the Biers finished with their worst record since 1999 when they were 9-8, but managed to tie the 100+ record of the 2003 Ballbusters with 10 triple digit games. The Brents suffered their worst loss of the year in the last week of the season � no surprise for them � and allowed 100+ for the 6th time this season, the most in their franchise�s history. Johnson summed up his feelings on the game by mumbling congratulations to the Cubists and the QB. See, everybody likes Joey Harrington!
County Coroners 85 Syracuse (hic) 44�s 60 There are few established rules that provide sage fantasy owners with a better chance to win: 1. Get some running backs. 2. Don�t play Packers. 3. Give thanks to a higher power. 4. And, for God sakes, don�t play Raiders against the County Coroners. During the season, Owner John Stoer broke all the rules and he even found some fleeting success in doing so. He managed to knock off the top two teams without a hint of a running game. He played Donald Driver to everyone�s annoyance. He refused to thank Jesus, Buddha, or even Bette Midler for his midseason success. You can get away with breaking the first three rules, but he truly tempted fate by starting Raider QB Kerry Collins (7/103) and WR Jerry Porter (9/54) against Owner Chad Nuss, whose love for the Oakland team has been professed again and again. While Collins has been as fabulous as the Divine Miss M for the 44�s over the last month, Stoer should have known better. Collins had stated that he was not sure how well he would be able to perform against the Coroners, but he also promised to get drunk enough so that it wouldn�t matter. Collins then stated his worst case scenario, �Well, every (hic) other week I'd say if the keg runs dry in the training room, but this week, whose wise (hic) idea was it to play after New Years anyway?� Collins then gave his thoughts about all-pro snubs, �I'm a QB, I gotta stick with what I know (hic) and that is that Big Ben didn't lose a game. I don't care (hic) about stats, it's about W's and L's and Ben has zero L's (hic),� while Nuss nominated his own Drew Brees as an all-pro snub. Stoer figured Collins would know his limit, but as his QB sucked down Buds on Saturday night, his physical skills decayed. When worse came to worse, Stoer figured, Collins could just heave up long balls and let the young 44 receivers run under them. Sadly, it didn�t work out that well. First, Nuss had his Coroners ready to play and had them convinced that an above 0.500 record would be the end all and be all of things. Nuss did not want to see �driving snow forecasted,� but he did not have to worry because this January weekend featured unseasonably warm temperatures. Curtis Martin (16/202) slammed violently through the line to score 11 points and Matt Stover�s (5/33) leg was true for 12 more points. Coroners DL Charles Grant (6/52) had his first all-pro game with 16. Meanwhile, Collins tried to get a running game established with Stephen Jackson (9/50) and the Buster import had 12 points. In the second half, the Coroner hit another gear, starting with Muhsin Muhammed (13/146) who scored 18 points for his 6th all-pro performance, a WR high. Nuss handed Moosh the gameball, but �fired the rest of the receivers,� including Anquan Boldin (8/25), Dallas Clark (2/6) and Keyshawn Johnson (6/33), who combined for 3 points. Finally, it was Collin�s time to hit the field, and he did so � face first. Before passing out and being replaced by a ball boy � who was moderately more effective at kneeling � Collins put on a near unprecedented display of ineptitude, scoring -7 points on a variety of interceptions and fumbles. Nearly unprecedented, we say, because Collins actually had a -8 for the Coroners in Week 4. That awful play made Nuss question his reliance on Raiders, and was partly the cause of his team�s rally. On Monday, a still-bombed Collins said, �(hic) Did I actually play football yesterday? I've got hazy details, flashes of color, I remember seeing the ball drop in Times Square (hic), I don't know, I've got a feeling that Darius played well, but who knows.� When asked who didn�t play well, Collins threw up and then retorted, �Same deal, I have no (hic) recollection. I'll say the kicker but I couldn't tell you who that is, is it still Akers?� When asked about his close ties with Stoer, Collins said, �Did I ever play for him? I don't (hic) remember. I got no idea, maybe he yells a lot.� Nuss could only lower and shake his head. He then stated he knew what was wrong with both Collins and Packers Coach Mike Sherman, �They�re alcoholics.� A jubilant Nuss, who saw his team post their second best record in franchise history (behind a 10-7 record with the Super Bowl bound Raiders in 2002), said, �the Coroners put together a great comeback season, from the bottom of the league, we brought Moosh/Brees/Droughns in from free agency, and created a well rounded unit.� At outgoing, but not ashamed Collins slurred, �It's the (hic) end of a long season and I'm pretty tired and hungover and wait (hic), what, we lost yesterday? Really? The last thing I remember (hic) was this guy named Chad who seemed pretty cool giving me a shot (hic) of some greenish colored liquid from this awesome silver flask that had this scary looking dude with an eye (hic) patch on it. Then I woke up in my own puke this morning. We really lost? Who did we play again?�
Weaselicious Cookies 86 The Ballbusters 72 It has been a long and frustrating season for Owner Dan Weitz. His anger and mental imbalances led to hospitalization and a demanding course of recuperative drugs. The first course of drugs seemed to make the problems worse, and going cold turkey caused a personality split. It was only recently that his psychiatrist, the famous Dr. Van Nostrand, became aware that he had prescribed Weitz with the wrong drug in the first place. Instead of some mild anti-anxiety pills, Van Nostrand had made a typo and prescribed industrial strength PCP, which previously had only been given to rodeo bulls to calm them down after years of being spurred in delicate places. Upon realizing his mistake, Van Nostrand sent the Weitz family a heartfelt apology letter and promised to get Weitz on the straight and narrow through rehab. While Weitz was unable to manage his team for most of the month of December, a familiar face to Cookie fans reappeared � Weitz�s eldest daughter, Amber � to once again take over the flailing franchise. An angered Amber had turned to the dark side of the Einar in order to get her father�s attention, but her time with a small green muppet in the swamps of Degobah had made her realize that the dark side she had better beware of or else anger would consume her, it would. Amber returned just after New Years� and installed a lineup that she figured would make her father proud � she started as many Cowboys as her conscience would allow. The only practice session she had with the team on January 1 allowed the Cookie players to feel free or as Chris Chambers (14/90) said, �we were reminded why we play football � to have fun.� Chambers had the most fun of the Cookies in scoring his second all-pro game with 15 points. Corey Dillon (14/141) was also grinning as he had 11 and Warrick Dunn (14/101) looked like he started anew with 19 points. Amber did not have enough time to school the K Adam Vinatieri (16/149) who had 3 points or the D-flex, who combined for 14, but for third straight game the Cookies did not allow 100 points. Owner Rich Joseph could not even count on the one player who had continued to perform for his team, Peyton Manning � the first Modano player to break the 400 point barrier. Joseph named younger Manning, Eli (1/19) as Peyton�s replacement, and the rookie responded with an all-pro game to earn his first ever gameball. The Busters received a league high 15 QB all-pro games this season � all from Mannings. Manning made use of his TE Tony Gonzalez (16/121) who had 10 points � all on yards and Isaac Bruce (14/94) scored another TD for 9 points, but that was about all Joseph�s team could muster. The Busters were hurt by the non-playing Chester Taylor (4/30) and Joseph did not care for that. Joseph blamed his first losing season and six game losing streak (which tripled their previous longest losing streak), the longest of the season for any team, on Mike Sherman and his bad decisions and snubbing of Tom Brady from the all-pro team. With Eli going off, Amber needed some Cowboy magic to get a win. QB Vinny Testaverde (2/19) dusted himself off and threw a TD and a 2-point conversion to Cookie TE Jason Witten (16/103), who miraculously broke the 100 point barrier to join Tony Gonzalez in the upper echelon. A joyful Amber dedicated the win that snapped the Cookies� own 5 game losing streak to her father and his ongoing recovery. Owner Rich Joseph summed up the loss with, �Great season guys, sorry I had no pop at the stretch.�
Peaks Island Wookies 77 County Coroners 49 Upon learning that his prot�g� had spurned the lure of the dark side, Owner Steve �Darth Einar� Olsen complained his lieutenants and other assorted empire leaders that he was sick of getting so much negative press. �Damn it,� boomed Darth in his basso profundo voice, �I just wanted to align the universe in an orderly image, made up of clones and clones of clones. Why, oh why wouldn�t those stupid rebels submit? Well, if they aren�t going to quit, then I will.� Upon that statement, Darth whipped off his black helmet to reveal an ugly bald head with big gashes in it, and said in a high, cracking nasal voice, �Call me Einarkin and let me be me.� While the media may never like Einarkin, we see his lack of demands on ruling the universe as progress. Now, if the Einarkin would just renounce the dark side once and for all and cut those evil stormPackers� But that might be too much to ask. The newly reformed Einarkin had the task of somehow trying to forge an alliance with the strong, but soulful Wookies. Owner Will Mitchell felt similarly about the Einarkin as he did about Lando Calrissian in the Empire Strikes Back: distrustful. Mitchell surely did not want to sacrifice his greatest player to the Einarkin�s aggressions, so QB Drew Bledsoe was benched. In his place, young QB Jake Delhomme (2/45) sashayed his way into our hearts with his second all-pro performance of 18 points in his second appearance. Delhomme�s job was made easier by the strong running of Rudi Johnson (11/127) who had 24 points and Deuce McAllister (13/115) who had 15. Johnson, McAllisters, and Larry Fitzgerald (5/22) combined for 41 points, a Wookie O-flex high. Other Wookies were more forgiving to the Einar, like Antonio Gates (9/75), who succumbed to the Charger curse and didn�t play, and Jimmy Smith (12/87) who gave two points to the Losers. For the ultraconservative Einar, who only played 22 different players during the season (compared to the 57 various player played by the 44�s), the team was led by K Jason Elam (17/132) who had 15 points for his first all-pro performance and a push into the second leading K slot (behind the Cookie�s Vinatieri). Aaron Brooks (12/166) and Reggie Wayne (14/115) combined for a TD catch and 25 points, and Julius Peppers (11/90) led the defense with 13. Some other Losers scored, but more importantly Ahole �Put it on the� Green (16/125) scored just one point. One point? Ha. The Losers earned a sweep of the Wookies, (in combination with an 89-84 Loser victory in Week 8), but we hope the Einar ponders his evil ways during the offseason in order to find more spiritual purity and less puke green and yellow fandom.
Year End Voting Instructions � The polls are now open. The scoring for the Sweeney, Pussier, Sneaky Pete and Weinrich voting will be on a 5-3-1 basis. The scoring for the La-la-la-lafontaine voting will be 10-5-3-2-1. Please comment as much as you would like on each awards and your voice shall be heard. There is also a space to announce your keepers and your thoughts for 2005. The members of the media would like to take a moment for a special thank you to the owners who obliged us and gave us access to the locker rooms after the games. We know it is an imposition to have a microphone thrust in your face after a tough win or loss and we appreciate your candid thoughts.
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