San Francisco Cubists 137 Bull City Biers 125 With so much riding on this one game, sports experts and commentators had to point to the little things in trying to figure out who would win. ESPN’s Paul Maguire, who Owner Randy Chambers would like to give a swift kick in the cajones, said, “Let me tell you something, I think it is all going to come down to points in the end – whoever has the most will win.” ESPN’s Joe Theisman immediately disagreed. Then, on second thought, he agreed. Meanwhile, Fox’s Troy Aikman, who apparently has been studying the verbal pattern of Maguire and added his own monotone to it, said, “Yeah, I’ll tell you what, the quarterback’s play is going to be crucial to this match up. Whichever QB can throw the ball away when pressured will garner the most comments of ‘what a good and smart play’ from me, and will lead his team to victory.” Once all of the verbal masturbation had subsided, the teams took aim at each other and scoring started spurting away. The heads of the teams faced each other on Friday and both came out firing. The league’s resident inbred hillbilly moron, QB Brent Farf, (14/228) was only able to score 3 TD’s and 27 points against the Vikings inept D. Numbers eerily similar those put up by one Chad Hutchinson just a few weeks ago. In mathematical terms, we posit: Farf=Hutchinson. Meanwhile, Biers QB Daunte Culpepper (15/356) put up his own 3 TD’s for 28 points (his 10th all-pro performance). Culpepper largely ignored his favorite receiver Randy “Puss” Moss (12/109), but did connect for one beautiful score. One day later, the Cubists began to take control of the game as stud runner Larry Johnson (3/60) ran two scores in for 19 points, his third consecutive all-pro performance. Johnson was complemented by Keith Bulluck (13/102) and Ed McMahon favorite, Teyo Johnson (1/3). Meanwhile, Chambers’ high hopes for the Billy Volek-Derrick Mason (13/86) combo fell flat as Volek went from hero to craphead and Mason was so much the sorrier. Holding a 62-40 advantage heading into Sunday, Owner Jason Moore, who says he doesn’t understand the appeal of Nascar (“I don't get it,” although Chambers seems more familiar with the benefits, “Booze, babes and bad words.”), knew he just needed to hold serve. His gameplan centered on his top-rated D-flex (26.50 ppg) and they did not disappoint. Moore threatened his D-flex players with “a broken leg like Tim Krumrie’s in the Super Bowl” if they did not perform. With that threat over their heads, Donnie Edwards (13/151) – the league’s highest scoring defensive player – and Takeo Spikes combined for 30 points. More surprising than his D-flex was the timely addition of K Jason Hanson (1/13) who had a Cubist K high with 13 points on 4 lousy FG’s. Without his star WR Terrell Owens, Moore used the running game to run down the clock. Dominick Davis (13/155) showed why he may be back in Cubist colors again next year with his 6th all-pro performance of 18 points and Jamal Lewis (11/92) had a score for 8. Julius Jones (5/67), who Chambers had made disparaging comments prior to the game as the hated Cowboys were facing his Redskins, did not score. Moore claimed that Jones had won the starting nod on a coin flip, “for which there was no excuse for getting wrong like in the Steelers-Lions” game. Meanwhile, Chambers’ efforts to revive the three-headed monster of Cubist fame fell on the shoulders of one monster mainly: Shaun Alexander (15/216). The league’s leading RB rumbled for three TD’s and a matching 28 points for his 7th all-pro performance. Tiki Barber (13/188) was slightly less effective with 13 points and Jerome Bettis (7/64) showed his wear with just 7 points. The Bier D-flex played adequately, combining for 28 points, but it wasn’t enough as the Biers came up with the second highest losing score in Modano history (Cookies 126 in their Week 13 loss to the Cubists). Chambers said he was as shook up as the time he witnessed, “a 10th grade pickup basketball game when Sto, who was about 5'6" at the time, breaking the nose of 6'+ Jamo with his elbow. The boy has hops.” Chambers then placed the blame squarely on himself for “guessing wrong on the Derrick Mason or Mark Clayton (17 points) matchup. A decision I will rue for years to come.” That decision, Chambers claimed, was almost as wrong as “Reversing Art Monk's dancing-on-the-end-line touchdown against the Bills back in the 1991 Super Bowl. There was no incontrovertible evidence to reverse the call.” A somber Chambers, who refused to give out a game ball “even to the 28 point guys,” continued, “What can I say? In spite of getting justice on Julie Jones' goose egg against the Skins, Jamo rose to the occasion. The Larry Johnson pickup is one of the best moves of the year. We put up 8 TDs, even without Clayton, so my hat is off to THE MAN for building a team around an inbred moron and winning the biggest game of the year with T.Out. argh. It would have been better if the Skins had not let the Cowboys scout team wide receiver beat them for the winning TD. Grim week in the NFL.” Moore, who gave all of his players gameballs, celebrated the victory quietly while his players ran around the field as if they were already champions. Moore said, “Just a great performance by the team. Jason Hanson was a huge addition; Farf was [fabulous and beautiful] battling Daunte and Moss; DD and LJ kept on rolling; and Donnie Edwards and the defense came up big again. Hats off to the Biers, who played like champions.” Even with the big victory, Moore found something to grumble about, “[What the heck was] Andy Reid [thinking}? One $%#@ drive for Donovan? Doesn't David Akers need any practice?” No, he doesn’t.
P-Miss Envy 88 Syracuse 44’s 87 Much of the 2004 Modano Mi Hermano season has confounded Owner Perry Missner. Unlike many other years, the league has not featured a dominant team or two, so his team – the P-Miss Envy – while in no way dominant, have hung around the top of the standings and showed the true meaning of grit and hustle. Despite missteps by Missner in coaching and selecting players, the team just continued to give its best effort and Week 16 was no different. The opponent, however, was quite different. With nothing to lose 4 weeks ago, Owner John Stoer appointed QB Kerry Collins (6/110) as his team captain and mouthpiece. Stoer managed to locate Collins in a Tijuana saloon, playing darts for pesos and Budweiser. Collins, so happy to have a paying QB gig, played with drunken abandon and led the 44’s to three out of their four straight wins – tying this season’s record for consecutive wins. The reasons for Collins’ success are innumerable, much like his reasons for loving Nascar, “Are you kidding? Is this a joke question? Have you seen Jeff Gordon's wife? Seriously, how bad can it be to drink beer and wait for inevitable, life-threatening danger? I Tivo that crap baby.” Making Collins even happier was that he could start the game early on Saturday night and KC did not disappoint with 16 points (his third all-pro performance) and a TD to his favorite receiver Jerry Porter (8/51), who scored 9 points. Modestly, Collins awarded the game ball, “I haven't had to do one of these in a losing effort but, really, I think I deserve it again. Maybe the Christmas night party wasn't such a great idea, OK, but I mean, damn, we all used to play hung over on Saturdays in college, we can't puke and rally for a Sunday game?” But we are getting ahead of ourselves now, aren’t we. Making Collins’ performance even better was the way that he intimidated Envy QB Billy Volek (2/37) by shouting “Billy sucks!” whenever Volek took the field. Volek was seemingly so rattled by the incessant razzing that he managed to take two points away from his team. As Volek left the field on Saturday evening, Missner run up to him and kicked him in the crotch and screamed, “[You are] a one game legend (with an added legendary game on the bench). [You] are no McNair and I should have known that – we were fortunate it didn’t cost us.” Down 27 points heading into Sunday, Missner (who “once had a guy try to describe the strategy of Nascar. After his lengthy description of the subtleties of pit stops and radio communications, he said, and some people think it is just three hours of turning left. I remember the part about three hours of turning left.”) needed to rally the troops, but founded his starting backfield was hurting. Both Willis McGahee (whose injury was one of the worst that Missner has witnessed: “McGahee’s injury was pretty nasty in whatever named bowl game that was. It’s a testament to his perseverance that he is back.”) and Fred Taylor told their coach that they were iffy at best, so Missner went with their replacements, Shaud Williams (1/12) and Greg Jones (1/2). First of all, the Envy needed to believe they could come back. The tenets of that belief were supplied by LB Lance Briggs (5/39), who scored a TD on an interception return and had his first all pro game with 16 points (becoming the 6th Envy defensive player to be an all-pro). Briggs also earned the game ball for “actually catching one of those interceptions right to him and taking it home for the score.” Speaking of the Bears’ game, Missner commented, “This week’s TD botch in the Bears game rivals the botched Majikowski call at the end of the 1989 Bears-Packers game. Instant replay is a joke – they can’t get it right even when they review it – why not just go with the first impression? I think the NFL just wants more TV timeouts.” Briggs’ eye opening TD provided the Envy WR’s with enough encouragement to score more TD’s. Chad Johnson (15/129) had his third all-pro game with 15 points and 2 TD’s, and new recruit Eric Parker (1/12) scored a TD and outscored second leading WR Marvin Harrison (15/145) by 5 points. The 44 WR’s were not to be completely outdone, however, as rookie Lee Evans (4/40) hauled in two TD’s and 19 points (his first all-pro game – ever). The 44’s D-flex also played well as it scored 24 points, led by Donivin Darius’ hard hitting (and legal) example. Stoer and Collins (who said that the worst call he had seen was “in our Super Bowl game against the Ravens, there was a huge play, an interception or pass interference call, something, that went against us early that totally shifted the momentum and screwed me from my ring.”) saw their team rally to within 7 points of the lead, heading into Monday night with two players left. Torry Holt (14/113) did the majority of the work with 5 points – all on yards – but David Akers (15/119) had his second straight off game with just 1 point, causing Collins to go nuts (much like “Orlando Brown when he got that penalty flag thrown in his eye? Dude was out for years because of that. Big puss-wad if you ask me, but damn.”). Collins demanded, “I asked Mr. Stoer to get rid of his lame ass and thankfully he was on an alumni kick this week anyway.” Collins, satisfied that Akers had been banished from his realm, said, “Who the heck are Lance Briggs and Shaud Williams?? I mean come on. I can take a loss, I don't like it, but I can take it if I know that I've been beaten by a superior team. But damn replacement players and second string defenders are a bunch of bull-hooey if you ask me. Hopefully the league officials will see that Dwight Freeney got in for a 1/2 sack and give us our rightful victory. If not, then all that ecstasy I gave Billy Volek just went to waste damnit.” A bewildered Missner saw his team take their second one point victory of the season (along with 2 1-point losses), “I did not think it was possible that the two Monday night 44’s would be held to less than 7 points, but Andy Reid – fat pig of a former Packer coach that he is – deserves some credit for lousy strategy. Just like the first game against Syracuse, we had an awful Titan QB performance, good D, and some timely contributions from lesser known players – this time, we come out with a win as long as Sean Taylor does not get credited with a half sack on Friday.”
Brentless Brents 119 The Ballbusters 115 Owner Steve Johnson needed some help to get his first ever Modano Mi Hermano championship, but before he needed help, he needed to take care of business, which meant dealing with former Brent QB Peyton Manning (15/407). Manning was coming off his first non-all pro weekend of the season, but Owner Rich Joseph, who has a like-hate relationship with his QB, knew that Manning would not fail him again. Manning got his team in gear early as he got Nate Burleson (6/36) to score a TD on Friday, offsetting Dick Driver’s (6/63) TD and 16 points (his first and last all-pro performance). Adding to Johnson’s glee (unlike the time “there was this catch in the playoffs a few years back that clearly hit the ground”) was Ryan Longshanks (15/116) who scored 11 points and knocked the Vikings out from the top spot in the NFC North. On Saturday, the Busters battled back following the lead of Tony Gonzalez (15/111), who nailed his second 20 point performance of the season. Gonzalez became the first and only TE to score over 100 points this season and it will take a minor miracle for there to be a second. D.J. Williams (2/17) also made his Buster debut a monster hit with 13 points, including an interception. Sunday, however, swung back to the Brents. LaDainian Tomlinson (15/210), the league’s second leading rusher just 6 points behind Shaun Alexander, scored 23 points on two TD’s and had his 7th all pro performance. Tomlinson’s running opened up passing lanes for Tom Brady (11/149), whose scoring was much more than a hunch. Brady’s 5th all-pro performance netted him 20 points and provided an equaling of Peyton Manning’s usual brilliance. Manning did have 21 points on two TD’s (his 14th all-pro game), but one of his TD’s turned rotten as he hit Brent WR Brandon Stokely (5/40), who turned in 14 points for the other side. Manning’s relative lack of TD’s led to a nice game by Buster K Mike Vanderjagt (14/118), who toed 14 points through the uprights. While Johnson was very pleased with himself for playing Stokely, he was not pleased with Clinton Portis (12/88), who scored just 2 points and has been a season long problem. Johnson whined, “Portis...come on!” Joseph tried to urge his troops on for just a few more points, but fell short as his Sunday night performers – Sammy Morris (5/28) and Jason Taylor (10/59) - combined for 13 points. Had Joseph stuck with his original plan of Isaac Bruce rather than Morris, his team would have accrued the necessary points for a victory, but such are the decisions we all make. Johnson wanted anyone who found out the appeal of Nascar to let him know and said, “Hey I got the win..a winning record..and a shot at the top.” His voice then drifted off into some incoherent mumbling. While it is true that the Brents could tie for the best record, they have no shot at the title because they have already been swept by both the Biers and Cubists, despite splitting with the Envy.
Peaks Island Wookies 85 Weaselicious Cookies 82, County Coroners 90 Einar’s Lovable Losers 79 While Owner Dan Weitz does not like to be compared to Owner Steve “Darth Einar” Olsen, it is becoming quite clear that both Wisconsinites have plenty in common. First, they both share an inordinate love for Big Brother. Second, neither owner likes to trade. Finally, and perhaps most damning, it appears that both owners have given up on the 2004 season are willing to let their teams grow feral. Rumors have even been swirling that Weitz has stopped taking his many doses of medication, relapsed to his previous Ainor state, and gone on holiday with Olsen to Eastern Europe to “sit in cafes and watching the young boys pass by.” While we are sure that none of that is true, it is clear that the results of both owners Ouaou-ing the end of the season are not pleasant. For the Cookies, their futility streak equals that of the Busters as the longest of the season – five in a row. The Cookies were outplayed by their sound-alike, the Wookies led by Owner Will Mitchell. Mitchell trusted QB Drew Bledsoe (3/26) to call his own plays and Bledsoe led a diversified offense to a nice performance. Bledsoe threw a TD strike to his favorite target, Antonio Gates (9/75) and directed runners Kevin Jones (6/65) and Rudi Johnson (10/103) to TD runs. Drives that did not end in TD’s, resulted in scores by Ryan Lindell (1/11) for the Wookies. Mitchell gave gameballs to “DREW, new kicker Lindell, and the newly studly Kevin Jones.” Not to be outdone in the kicking game (9.88 ppg for the Cookies), the most important aspect of fantasy football according to Weitz, Adam Vinatieri had 11 points and was supplemented by a nice performance from the Cookie D-flex, which combined for 31 points. Mitchell, who considered the worst call as “when that kid gave Jeter a home run – and gave the Yankees the playoff game (And this one I just dredged up: ‘With the Patriots up by three points in final two minutes, referee Ben Dreith calls roughing the passer on New England's Sugar Bear Hamilton after he hits Oakland QB Ken Stabler in 1976 NFL playoffs. Raiders go on to score a touchdown in the final minute to win 21-17, and go on to win the Super Bowl.’),” was not happy with Eric Moulds and Jimmy Smith. The Cookie offense was inconsistent – old pros Rod Smith (15/110) and Warrick Dunn (13/91) scored TD’s and combined for 23 points, but no one else found pay dirt. Down 10 heading into Monday night, the Cookies had their QB Donovan McNabb (15/298) yet to play. Seeing that Weitz was nowhere around, McNabb led a scoring drive for 7 points, then sat out the rest of the game. The win allowed the Wookies, who were once 2-5, to rally back to .500. Owner Chad Nuss’s County Coroners were once 1-4, but they had a chance to get back to even against the absentee-led Losers. Darth Einar has let his team wallow since December 2, nearly a quarter of the season in activity. Unlike the Cookies, the Losers have actually attained a few lucky victories. The Losers were led by Packers – Javon “Post” Walker (14/141), Booger Frankfurter (13/50), and Ahole “Put it on the” Green (15/124) – on Friday and an ex-Packer Aaron Brooks (11/153) on Sunday. All of them scored TD’s, but no one scored more than Jason Elam’s (16/117) 13 points. Nuss had his Coroners winning with has beens and who dats. The team was led by Reuben Droughns (10/104), who had his 3rd all-pro performance with 26 points and was given the game ball by Nuss. Muhsin Muhammed (12/128) continued his maniacal second half run with his 5th all-pro performance of 19 and Trent Green (12/181) chipped in 17. Droughns, Muhammed, and Green were as appealing as Nascar’s specialties: “Budweiser, BBQ, and chewing tobacco.” Nuss did not like that Brian Westbrook (6/13) was held out on Monday night, but it was inconsequential because his team held its lead in the near meaningless and completely unwatchable game. Nuss wanted to break the century mark and found Westbrook’s benching as frustrating as “Tom Brady … it was a fumble.” ABC’s John Madden lamented, “Hey, don’t these teams care anymore? Don’t they have any pride?” We guess not, John. We guess not.
Week 17 previews - Few Modano Mi Hermano seasons have come down to the last week to decide the championship. Even fewer have had teams with championship aspirations playing against other teams with a shot to win. But never has the last week featured two teams playing against each other in a mano y mano deathmatch for the all of the marbles. Yet, that is just what we have this year, perhaps the most exciting year yet, as the San Francisco Cubists hope to renew their championship pedigree against the undermanned I-think-I-can engine of a team, the P-Miss Envy. Unlikely as it may seem, the merely average Envy hold a 6-5 series edge against the league’s winningest team (the Cubists past the Biers this week due to their win with an overall record of 76-42). One of the problems that Owner Jason Moore has is a deep case of McNairphobia. Whenever the named of Envy QB Steve “Pear” McNair is invoked, Moore gets a deep case of the heebie-jeebies. That fear led to a 90-60 Envy win in Week 8 and has led to much discomfort for Moore since McNair is currently in the Envy lineup. Seeing as McNair is almost as unlikely to play (due to bionic sternum implant surgery, but “never count anything out with this guy” according to Suzy Kolber) as Cubist QB Brent Farf, who refuses to play in a game after his team has already clinched a playoff birth, other than a brief appearance to keep his precious start streak alive. A slightly smug Moore commented in a highly ironic tone, “Based on their convincing week 8 win, their dominance of this rivalry, and most of all the presence of Steve McNair, I assume the Envy are heavy favorites? We will try to do justice to the plucky underdog role.” Somehow the plucky underdog roll never goes to the team averaging 13 more points per game. The cagey Moore has not unveiled his Week 17 lineup yet, preferring to leave the lineup the same as the group that score 137 points in Week 16. Meanwhile, the Envy have brought back the now healthy and rested starters, including McNair, Fred Taylor, and Willis McGahee (who scored 15 from the bench in Week 16). Ladell Betts also makes his 2004 debut. An astonished Missner commented, “Incredibly, we have a shot at the whole ball of wax, although we won’t be favored against the mighty Cubists, who have scored over 200 more points than us. We hope that Jamo and his players are lost in the afterglow of their big win against the Biers, but we know that the Cubists take nothing for granted. We just hope that inbred, hillbilly moron is out there because that will give us even more cause just to bring it.” In a battle for what is essentially second place, the Biers and Brents face off. Owner Steve Johnson had figured early in the season that this game might have championship ramifications, but he figured wrong as the only ramifications will come in the form of a higher draft pick. Owner Randy Chambers can be considered somewhat lucky that his team does not have championship hopes as it will not put him in a moral dilemma on whether to play stars Randy Moss and Daunte Culpepper against the Redskins. While replacements have not been named yet, Chambers said, “Well, we know the Media will never recognize us as champs [nor anyone else for that matter], but the AP poll might if we can win this week, chalk up many points and get some help from the Envy. Then again, the Ravens (snicker, snicker) can still make the playoffs if four teams lose.” Chambers could opt to use Jake Plummer for Culpepper and Michael Clayton, Keary Colbert, or Plexico Burress for Moss. Johnson, whose team lost 81-110 in Week 8 and trails the series 4-5, said, “It all comes down to the wire...just as it should.” Almost completely changing sides, Johnson has opted for a pass-wacky lineup including returning starter Hiney Wartz. Marcus Trufant also makes his return to the Brent D-flex. An interesting game on the undercard includes the 44’s and the Coroners. Owner John Stoer is thinking about giving part ownership of his team to QB Kerry Collins, who just happens to play for Owner Chad Nuss’s team, the Oakland Raiders. In fact, part of the 44’s great success half success can be attributed to Collins and either Jerry Porter or Ronald Curry. How does this sit with Nuss? Probably not well, even though his team has had decent second half success itself. The Coroners won the Week 8 encounter, 92-77, despite playing without a kicker. It was just their 3rd win in 12 meetings with the 44’s. Nuss has brought back Anquan Boldin, the lone remaining Coroner keeper, to the lineup. For his part, Stoer commented, “Mr. Stoer has promised some changes for the final week including an all alumni D and kicking game- which I totally support. Hopefully he'll keep the Kerry and Jerry show alive against evil super genius Chad Nuss but I've heard rumors that he's trying to trade us To the Coroners before the game. That's f'ed up if you ask me. Anyone got a beer?” Homecoming week for the 44’s includes the return of Gary Andersen and Will Allen to go along with former Orangemen Marvin Harrison, Donovin Darius, and Dwight Freeney. Andre Johnson also makes his long-awaited 44 debut. Owner Will Mitchell hopes to take advantage of his second consecutive match against an absent owner when his team faces the Losers. The Losers won in Week 8 by a slim 91-84 margin and hold a 6-2 series edge. Mitchell commented, “We made it back to even. Now we’re going to do the Patriot’s style team play, bench Drew for the final game vs Steelers, and go with Jake “The Jake” “The Snake” Delhomme who had a gaudy 31 on the bench this week begging to get in the game. We’re also giving the nod to surging rookie Larry Fitzgerald, who’s trying to prove himself keeper-worthy. A 9-8 finish would be very sweet after our early season woes.” Lastly, we have the match that pits two teams heading into the final week with 5 game losing streaks. Somebody has got to win! Owner Rich Joseph has been trying to recover from many serious injuries during the season, including reigning MVP Priest Holmes, Steve Smith, and DeShaun Foster. While scoring aplenty, the Busters have not been winning and have fallen below .500 for the first time since Week 1. Joseph has returned Isaac Bruce to the lineup. In Week 8, the Busters walloped the Cookies 136-83 to gain a 2-1 series edge.
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