Syracuse 44’s 113 San Francisco Cubists 95 Owner John Stoer and his QB Kerry Collins have undergone a quick bonding in their short time together. During Weeks 12-13, the two were almost inseparable and began to understand each others quirks and inconsistencies. So, just as Stoer was setting his lineup prior to Week 14, Collins entered Stoer’s lavish office and said that he wanted to donate that week’s salary to the Dalai Lama and that he would have to sit out that week’s first quarter because he was going to sing in the choir of that Sunday’s service at First Methodist Church, Stoer nearly soiled himself. This wasn’t the Bud-lovin’, devil-be-damned-attitude-havin’, rootin’, tootin’ QB that Stoer had come to trust. Having no other choice, Stoer benched Collins and told him that he would tell the media that he had called in sick from too much partying. The reformed Collins settled in for a lousy 2 point performance from the bench and decided never to drop acid again. By Wednesday, Collins was back to his old ways – beer bonging Buds and “scoring with three different chicks in one night on a regular basis and that's pretty much the same thing [as all three O-flex members scoring a TD]. It's all about the scoring.” A relieved Stoer gave the starting QB nod to Collins and gave his QB the mic to communicate with the media. Stoer and Collins both knew that the odds were against them as they were facing the again mighty San Francisco Cubists and their giggling Owner, Jason Moore. Moore was giggling early and strutting like Mick Jagger (who he thinks is the greatest singer of the Rock era) as his early game players scored TD’s in bundles. Takeo Spikes (7/71) had his second consecutive all-pro game of 17 as he returned a turnover for a TD and Larry Johnson (2/41) equaled his defensive friend in all-pro games but scored 22 points of his own. Spikes and Johnson shared the gameball. Dominick Davis (12/137) finished off the early scoring for the Cubists with 13 points and a score. Meanwhile, the 44’s were stuck in neutral as their D-flex was blown on Saturday, totaling 14 points, and David Akers (14/118) set a K record for futility with -1. Things were not looking good for the 44’s. To make matters worse, Moore pulled off a master stroke of genius by benching inbred hillbilly QB Brent Farf, a move the media has been calling for all season, and replacing him with the steady but solid Brian Griese (2/19), who had started once for the 44’s and knew all the intricacies of the 44 defense. Griese only scored 6 points, but it was his leadership, lack of idiocy, and professionalism that impressed his fellow Cubists. Farf sat on the bench watching Press Your Luck, “that show with the whammys that was pretty awful,” and enjoying every moment. With an almost insurmountable lead staring him straight in the slightly hazy eyes, Kerry Collins (5/94) went to work. Even Stoer couldn’t believe the proficiency with which Collins led 5 successive drives to the endzone against the vaunted Cubist defense. Collins managed to keep most of his scoring within the team as well as he hit Jerry Porter (7/42) for three TD’s and 27 points. In the end, Collins ended up with 39 points, a 44 season high and rightly gave himself the gameball: “Please. My offensive line deserves a lot of credit and my receivers did a great job catching my perfect passes, but, c'mon, I'm the man right now. The party is at MY house.” Collins was so busy dropping back for passes that two time Modano MVP award winner Marshall Faulk (12/81) was largely ignored. Faulk scored just 1 point, prompting Collins to announce: “Marshall Faulk is banished from my offense and I told Mr. Stoer to move him if anyone else in the league wants him. He's an anchor weighing down my ship man and I can't have that. And our kicker scores NEGATIVE points?? Screw it, I'll do it all myself if I have to.” On that negative bent, Collins stated, “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire [is the worst gameshow.] I hate that little peckerwood Regis.” Is that still on? Needing to get his team some breathing room, Collins engineered TD’s for the reborn Todd Heap (8/33) and second leading receiver Marvin Harrison (14/138) [behind only Terrell Owens (14/156) who scored just 1 point before ending his season to a slight fracture of his leg] on Saturday night. Collins thought those TD’s were as sweet as “the brunette from the B 52's, I think her name is Kate Pierson, that girl has got some pipes if you know what I mean.” Humbled in knowing that John Masefield was right when he said, “He who laughs longest, laughs last,” Moore said, “8 TDs for Collins and Porter, and two injured starters (Owens and TE Alge Crumpler (11/44) who had a -1). Not the greatest of weekends.” Moore did have a moment of inspiration, however, when he named the occasion of all three O-flex (or D-flex) members scoring a triflexta. Make it so, Mr. Data. A clearly inebriated Collins hit the podium after the game and said, “The Cubists are a great team and I had to be just a little more perfect than usual to beat them and their big play defense. From what I heard, I think Mr. Stoer is happy with our effort since I heard he was drunk off his ass and dancing around his office in his underwear. [Not another Modano owner dancing in his underwear. Didn’t we learn anything from Owner Dan Weitz?] So I'm going to take a couple of chicks up there and another bottle of Jack Daniels and we are going to party like it's, well, any other day when you are lucky enough to have Kerry Collins on your side.”
Bull City Biers 100 The Ballbusters 96 These two teams have a lot in common. Of course, they shared the championship in 2003. They also are led by elite QB’s, had injury troubles this year, and have modest depth. Lastly, both started the season quite hot but have cooled off as the weather became chillier. Owner Rich Joseph, who didn’t care for the Gong Show, knew that he would need better production out of his WR’s if he was going to go for the gold. Heretofore, the Busters had had the league’s worst WR slot (5.07 ppg) and O-flex (15.53 ppg), even with QB Peyton Manning (15/386) scoring TD’s at a historic rate. In Week 15, Manning got some help as Drew Bennett (4/42) and Eddie Kennison provided the first two WR all-pro performance for the Busters. Both players had had some fine performances from the bench and some middling performance on the field, but everything got aligned as the two combined for 40 points. Bennett even earned the gameball. Nick Goings (4/49) has been a surprising and steady performed and clocked in with 11 points as well. However, a funny thing happened on the way to Manning’s 14th consecutive all-pro performance – it didn’t happen. Manning threw for just one score and had only 14 points, breaking his streak. Joseph, who was also starting to tire of Manning’s point production, sent his QB to the penalty box and said, “it just feels good to say that!” On the other side of the field, the Biers started their scoring early as Tiki Barber (12/175) and Jerome Bettis (6/57) each scored on Saturday. Bettis scored his second all-pro performance and was given a gameball for “being Mr. Inspiration himself.” On Sunday, the crappy Vikings beat the Lions on “a 19 point Daunte-to-Randy play.” WR Randy Moss (11/101) somehow snuck behind the Detroit defenders and Daunte Culpepper (14/328) hit him in stride with a rainbow pass. Miss had 12 points, while Culpepper notched two more TD’s for 29 points and his 9th all-pro day. The only one preventing Owner Randy Chambers from true happiness was RB Shaun Alexander (14/188), who continues to lead all RB’s but just by a point over LaDainian Tomlinson and two points over Curtis Martin. Alexander “fumbled at the goal line. grumble, grumble” and scored just 3 points. Perhaps in the words of “Roger Daltrey. Duh.” (lyrics by Pete Townsend), Chambers won’t get fooled again and will finally bench Alexander. Also disappointing was the play of Michael Clayton (8/56) who did not score a TD, preventing the Biers from going “’Sam Crawford’, in honor of the only baseball player to ever hit 300 career triples. Or, for those who prefer to be more au courant, a ‘Steve Finley,’ the only active player with 100 career three-baggers.” A nice effort, but a bit too complicated and the wrong sport. Had Chambers played Derrick Mason rather than Clayton, he could have gone “triplets” (idea credited to Rich Joseph). With the Cubists losing, the Biers, who clinched their 7th consecutive winning season, once again found themselves in a tie for first, causing Chambers to cry, “This was a huge win. To eliminate the so-called "2003 co-champs" from title contention even though they have the alleged "MVP" feels good.” Joseph merely recounted the words of his favorite singer of the Rock era, John Lennon, “All we are saying, is give Priest a chance.”
Peaks Island Wookies 92 Brentless Brents 81 Owner Steve Johnson has many accomplishments under his name: he has sky dived, he has a degree in something from the University of Minnesota, and he has even been promoted to Business Analyst 3. However, the one deed that keeps Johnson from being complete is that he has never won a Modano Mi Hermano championship. It is not from lack of trying as Johnson is generally one of the busiest trading owners, but there is a force that keeps him away from his precious. Coming into Week 15, the Brents were just one game out of first place, so when the top ranked Cubists fell, the Brents had their chance. Things started out well as Dan Morgan (8/57) made his Brent debut on Saturday with 11 points. Morgan’s performance reminded Johnson of “Sebastian Bach [formerly of Skid Row, now owned by VH1] actually has a damn good voice.” Sunday started out even better as LaDainian Tomlinson (14/187), who “is as constant as the North Star,” scored a pair of TD’s and 19 points for his 6th all-pro performance. However, that was just about it for good things happening to the Brents. Johnson noted, “No one else seemed interested in winning, but [RB Onterrio] Smith (7/38) was the biggest letdown.” Smith barely played as Vikings’ Coach Mike Tice went with Michael Bennett without informing anyone. While Brent offense was rather poor, the defense was very porous. Owner Will Mitchell had given his team a heart transplant by bringing back QB Drew Bledsoe (2/15) to restore the Wookies to days of old and Ray Lewis (13/109) to prop up the league’s worst D-flex. Lewis boisterously scored 11 points and Bledsoe had 12 in a performance that earned the gameball from Mitchell: “Not for the points, Vick, Delhomme, and Byron all bested that, but the LEADERSHIP, the POISE, and the GRACE.” None of which are quantifiable. Bledsoe managed to split his one thrown TD three ways – once to favorite target Antonio Gates (7/66) who had 10 points and two sweet, sweet TD’s to Jimmy Smith (10/88) who burned the pathetic Packers secondary repeatedly. The Wookie running game was also flowing with Kevin Jones (9/92) netting 12 points and Rudi Johnson (9/95) amassing 11 more. The result of this game was still in doubt heading into Monday as Mitchell had Teddy Bruschi (5/32) and Rodney Harrison (13/108) paradoxically trying to prevent Brent QB Tom Brady (10/129) from scoring. On Monday afternoon, Mitchell and Johnson held a joint press conference to lament the current state of reality based gameshows. Mitchell stated, “All those reality shows with scantly clad women eating bugs and diving into muck and stuff [are lousy].” Johnson said, “Fear Factor [is the worst gameshow I’ve ever seen]. Talk about embarrassing/humiliating people for our own amusement. But, in all honesty, have you tried the horse rectum?” Mitchell responded, “I could still lose with Brady and all, but I like my double D and lead.” The Wookie defenders combined for 8 points, but couldn’t stop Brady from scoring 3 TD’s. Johnson said, “I wished for 3 TDs from Brady Monday night, and got a whole lot more. And out of the blue, Keith Boo!king has a career day (17 points), while on the bench.” The whole lot more Johnson was referring to were a Farf-like 4 interceptions, reducing Brady’s output to just 11 points. Therefore, the Wookies swept the series and kept the Brents out a share of first place. Interestingly, the Wookies have beaten the Brents more times - 7 - than any other team.
Einar’s Lovable Losers 79 P-Miss Envy 75 Owner Perry Missner had a big decision to make. He needed to settle on a starting QB with legendary QB Steve “Pear” McNair being declared out for the season. (McNair has offered to be an assistant coach from his hospital bed where he will be getting his bio-implants completely reworked). Missner had settled on backup QB Billy Volek who was coming off a huge 39 point performance in Week 14. Then, Missner thought, how many times does a backup QB put 39 points? Not many, so he decided to go with Redskin QB Patrick Ramsey (1/13), who Missner had once watched as he torched a sad Navy defense repeatedly. Missner watched the Redskins’ opening drive as they marched down the field led by precision passing by Ramsey, culminating in a TD toss to TE Robert Royal. Missner flicked the TV off with the knowledge that he had made the right decision. While he was busy doing other things, Ramsey – the 5th Envy starting QB in the last 5 weeks - was busy doing nothing. That Royal TD toss was Ramsey’s only score and he settled for just 13 points. The Envy did receive one more Saturday TD from Jeremy Shockey (13/67), but that was offset by the Losers’ Julius Peppers’ (9/76) TD achieving fumble return for 13 points of his own. Owner Steve “Darth Einar” Olsen was coming off his team’s first blowout loss of 2004, so to change things up he did nothing. That kind of effort showed in the Losers’ results. Bringing the Losers’ down was the poor play of their Packer players – Booger Frankfurter (12/43) and Ahole “Put it on the” Green (14/113) managed just 5 points – a total equaled by the league’s new Bill Romanowski – Nick Barnett (14/105). While the Packers will freezing up, Envy RB Fred Taylor (13/102) was going through the defense like a hot knife through butter. Taylor had his second all-pro day, his second rushing TD, and his first gameball in eons because “the cold bothered him more than the Packers defenders bouncing off of him. I’d prefer that he stick it in the endzone on the goal line, but his play (and the Packers loss) almost erased the bad feelings from the Bears’ game.” After Taylor, only Dunta Robinson (1/19) had much to say – Robinson had a sack, an interception, and a forced fumble, providing 19 points to become the 5th Envy defensive player to have an all-pro game. To Missner, the rest of the team was as bad as the “annoying Win, Lose, or Draw. That show always bugged me, but I did see it one time in which Tony Danza got excited and broke Bill Maar’s nose. That was pretty exciting.” Missner could have been most disappointed by Willis McGahee’s (11/107) 1 or Chad Johnson’s (14/114) naught, but he was most disappointed with “Me – I got too tricky trying to put in the only QB in the NFL who I’ve seen live. Volek or Pennington would have given me the victory.” Yes, Volek had a command performance with 41 points and Pennington had 26 points, but Missner still had high hopes of a “Freddy Mercury performance. What a range and an ability to add drama to the music. For a singer (and songwriter), few can compare.” Come Sunday night, the Envy still had a slight hope. Holding a slim lead, all Missner needed was for Ed Reed (14/136) to outscore Edgerrin James (13/154) and Reggie Wayne (12/99). It didn’t happen as Reed scored just 3, while James had 11 and Wayne had 5, providing the finishing margin. Missner whined, “We needed this one, but we just couldn’t find the endzone. Better it happens this week than in the next two – for which we are going to need every last TD available. Dunta Robinson did a fine job in his first showing, but we are going to have to incentivize TD’s a bit more. Perhaps we shall finally allow the players to spike the ball and dance after their scores.”
County Coroners 80 Weaselicious Cookies 70 Where did it all go wrong for Owner Dan Weitz? Some say that he was born without the gene that allows a person to lead a winning fantasy football franchise. Others say it was when he sold his daughter Amber to his hated rival, Darth Einar, for a bag of chips. That’s what we call revisionist history. However, we have pinpointed the root of the 2004 problems that have caused the Cookies to be this year’s laughingstock. It was a warm August evening in Oshkosh when the Modano owners gathered for their annual draft. Having selected a kicked in the 9th round, Weitz became the first and only owner to select a backup kicker. In the 13th round, Weitz made the ultimate dick move by choosing Raiders K Sebastian Janakowski – a longtime Coroner favorite. Weitz laughed with glee, while Coroners’ Owner Chad Nuss cursed the empty air. Nuss was so confounded that he could not even select a kicker on draft day and had to settle for Matt Stover (3/20) before the season started. While the Cookies started the season well, the curse of the sea bass started to seep into the corners and niches of the Cookie psyche. Weitz tried to cover the curse by making himself go insane, but few believed his charade. Janakowski did appear in one game and showed off his strong kicking leg, but he was promptly sent to the dungeon, never to see the light of day again. Nuss went on with his business and also started the season slowly. He was so used to having Janakowski to pal around with and swap stories about GHB. Veteran and savvy fantasy player that he is, Nuss created a sleek team that could score TD’s – lots of them. The team was led by Curtis Martin (14/186), the resurgent runner who roamed relentlessly while striving for scores. Martin had another 20 point game in Week 14 for his 7th all-pro performance. Mushin Muhammed (11/109) is also resurgent and he scored his 4th all-pro game with 15 points. Beyond those two, the Coroners did not need much more and that’s pretty much what they got. Nuss made the unfortunate substitution of Drew Brees and his debuting 8 points for Trent Green, who had 25 from the bench, but no matter – a win is a win. The Cookies had some opportunities on Monday, despite being down by 32 points. Corey Dillon (12/125) ran roughshod over Coroner defenders to equal Martin’s 20 points (his fourth all pro game in his last five), but K Adam Vinatieri (14/135) finally might have started to display the Cookie Kicker Curse and only had 4 points. Chris Chambers (12/73) also played poorly with -2. The loss – the fourth in a row, equaling the Busters for longest current losing streak and season long streak (with the 44’s and Losers) clinched last place for the Cookies yet again, while the Coroners can still take aim at their first winning season since 2002 and only the franchise’s second ever.
Week 16 previews - Just two weeks left and four teams still have mathematical possibilities for a championship. The two main contenders are the Bull City Biers and San Francisco Cubists, who bring their top-rated 9-6 records to this prime time battle. The winner is the likely champion, but all will not be decided until the last week is over. Owner Randy Chambers is still licking his wounds from the 110-84 whomping the Cubists gave his team in Week 7. However, this is a different Cubist team than the Biers faced back then, when it was all about Brent Farf and Terrell Owens. Farf is coming off a benching that he richly deserved and Owens has a broken leg and won’t be in action. Meanwhile, the Cubist O-flex has taken off behind a pair of young runners – Julius Jones and Larry Johnson. Farf is back in the lineup, along with Darrell Jackson and Eric Johnson (lots of similar names who are sure to confuse Farf), for the Cubists who hold a 7-5 series edge. Owner Jason Moore said, “We need a lot of touchdowns and a little luck.” Gosh, that is quite unlike other weeks, isn’t it. Chambers, who has left his lineup alone for the time being, said, “We've said it for years -- until someone else catches them in all-time titles, the Cubists are the stick by which all others are measured. It's been a strange season, but now we're at the mountaintop and have seen the other side, and quite frankly, we need to push the Cubists off the peak to get there and then take out the Brents. [Does that mean Chambers could possibly be looking past his greatest natural rival?] The real question is will the Cubists play Julie Us Jones against the Skins because they are so desperate to win after T.O. got hurt, or would they rather play with dignity and pain (see the Bier lineup on week 17 to see what the two-time champs would do)? Light the pyre!” Pretty inflammatory stuff from Chambers, but each owner is ruled by his own moral dictates. As mentioned by Chambers, one of the other teams with championship hope is Owner Steve Johnson’s Brentless Brents. They will need to beat the Busters in Week 16 and have the Biers beat the Cubists, because the Brents have already been swept by the Cubists. However, beating the Busters is not going to be so simple. Yes, Owner Rich Joseph’s team has lost 4 in a row, but they are third highest scoring team and Peyton Manning is always dangerous. Johnson set his sights just a bit lower than the championship when he called out, “Winning season! Come one winning season!” The Brents welcome back Brandon Stokely to take away one of Peyton’s options as well as Keith Boo!king. Owner Rich Joseph, who let Peyton and Priest (combined for 62 points) lead the way to their 89-74 Week 6 win, said, “Going to the wire, baby!” The Busters hold a 2-1 series lead. The P-Miss Envy also hold a few championship hopes, despite being a game down with two to play. Owner Perry Missner will hold his own destiny is his team is able to overcome the Syracuse 44’s, the hottest team in the league, in Week 16, and if the Cubists defeat the Biers. The Envy already beat the Biers in their one matchup and beat the Cubists in their previous game as well. However, the 44’s are a huge obstacle as they are playing as well as any team ever – behind the rapid firing TD techniques of Kerry Collins. The 44’s, who have a 4 game winning streak – their longest since 2002. have brought back ageful Emmitt Smith and youthful Roy Williams to their lineup. They have also brought a dilemma to Missner by playing Donovin Darius, author of a sweet hit on a Packer receiver that did not deserve a fine or a suspension. Collins said, “Unlike football where I should throw on every play, in life you need to have balance. So this Christmas, instead of doing my usual charity work and caring for my family, I'm going to do my best to bring this proud franchise another victory. It's the season of giving and I'd like to give Mr. Stoer a few more touchdowns. And, win or lose, when my work is done, I'll return home, make some pizza, crack a few beers, and give thanks once again for being the luckiest man alive.” Yet even the luckiest man alive runs out of luck eventually. One might even call the 44’s Week 7 93-92 win lucky as Envy starting QB Steve “Pear” McNair went out after 3 plays and did not score. McNair forced Owner Perry Missner to play QB Billy Volek, scorer of 80 points in the last two weeks. The Envy are also going to give Eric Parker a try in hopes of taking a 7-6 series lead. Two ties vying for a winning season are the Losers and Coroners. The Losers destroyed the Coroners in Week 7 by a 99-43 margin, prompting Owner Chad Nuss to make some internal changes that resulted in a few victories. Nuss has inserted Keyshawn Johnson and Mike Peterson into the lineup, but the Einar has made no changes. The Losers hold a 6-3 series advantage. Finally, we have the Wookies and Cookies – two teams whose names sound alike. The Wookies can still have a winning season and Owner Will Mitchell analyzed the matchup thusly, “Yeah – I have been offering the world for Corey Dillon with no response. Now I get to play him. McNabb lost his idiot WR TO so he’ll struggle. Staley v BAL??? I’m feelin 8-8. Just wish I didn’t have to beat Dillon and Vinatierio “ Sounds like Mitchell has his hopes too high, but wouldn’t you if you had K Ryan Lindell and LB Jamie Sharper returning? The Cookies did win in Week 7 by a 111-101 margin, but that was behind 4 TD’s from McNabb. Who is he going to throw to now? How about Freddie Mitchell – receiver of a certain pass on a certain down last year in the playoffs? Anyways, the Cookies haven’t changed their lineup and Owner Dan Weitz seems to have lost interest. Surely, they are on their way to a win.
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