P-Miss Envy 107 Weaselicious Cookies 69 While Owner Perry Missner spent most of the last week in a state of disbelief that his unassuming team had a share of first place, there were forces at work to take this kingly spot away from them. Missner had assumed by Wednesday that all results were final and felt at ease with the 103-102 win. However, you should never assume anything, especially when the service you are relying on is free. Some ass wipe within the NFL or Yahoo subsystems noticed that Brents LB Keith Brooking put a hand on QB Brian Griese as he was going down and awarded Brooking with half of Travis Hall�s sack. That was plus 2 points for the Brents, conveniently enough to just upend the 102-101 Envy lead and give the Brents a Friday win, when the game had been played on Sunday. Missner compared Yahoo with �balls and strikes [as] the most subjective [call in sports] because the rule isn�t properly reinforced. Basketball fouls are also pretty ludicrous � if someone falls down, it�s a foul.� While Missner publicly deflected attention from the serious gaffe, reports from behind the scenes had Missner and his players fuming. Sleepless Friday and Saturday nights, caused by mumbling curse words into his pillow, a bleary-eyed Missner slouched onto the field on Sunday. Still angry and not particularly interested, Missner just told his team to do �whatever the hell they wanted,� so they did the best they could - handing off to Willis McGahee (10/106) repeatedly and trying to wedge the ball into triple coverage toward Chad Johnson (13/114). McGahee and Johnson responded with the extra work, combining for 30 points, including McGahee�s third all-pro performance. The rest of the team seemed as disinterested as Missner, racking up 38 points total, led by Ed Reed�s (13/133) 8 points. Missner was especially troubled by the play of Terrell Suggs (6/36), who �was supposed to be a sack machine � well, he can be rebooted for another team.� Brian Urlacher (9/92) also limped off the field with yet another hamstring injury. Speaking of hamstrung, that could describe the play of the Weaselicious Cookies. Owner Dan Weitz, know throughout for his own anger troubles, spent the majority of the game trolling the sidelines, looking for someone to curse out. Partly, he was ashamed that he used to root for Troy Aikman, who has become the blandest color commentator in league history and Missner theorized has an IQ of �0 � let me explain. I just don�t think anyone could be so stupid and boring, so I think they have a robot in the studio. They just press a button and it says, �well, the quarterback threw that ball to the back shoulder� or �yeah, I think it is a mistake to go for it on 4th down.�� The Cookies did not give Weitz much to get enthused about as only Corey Dillon (11/105) scored a TD during the daylight of Sunday. Adam Vinatieri (13/131), the league�s highest scoring kicker, had an off day with just 5 points and the Cookie flexes combined for 14 and 16 points on the offensive and defensive sides, respectively. Donovan McNabb (13/285) had a chance to blow the game open on Sunday night, but only managed 11 points against the staunch Redskins D (a performance that was foretold my Daunte Culpepper�s non-all pro game). Nevertheless, the Cookies held a one point lead going into Monday night and was looking at QB Steve �Pear� McNair as game time was nigh. Missner learned that McNair would not be playing an hour before the game and substituted Billy Bud Volek (1/39), the Envy�s 5th starting QB. Volek responded by filling the air of Tennessee with TD throws and forging the 100 point performance that seemingly every Cookie opponent has achieved. Missner�s anger abated somewhat and he gave the gameball to Billy Bud, �He took a close game and made it a blowout. While he is back to the bench now, he may be back soon.� While Missner, who can generally type at 55 wpm, might be appeased by the win, it is only Wednesday and Yahoo might decide to credit McNabb with the four or five TD�s they overlooked on Sunday. Missner told the press on Tuesday evening, �We are not happy about anything in the league after we got the scroogie out of win on Friday of last week. Keith Brooking�s name will live on in Envy infamy. I didn�t think we�d get to 100 against the Cookies, but Billy proved me wrong. Dan will surely have better luck next year as he has had outstandingly bad luck this year�
Syracuse 44�s 96 Bull City Biers 85 One of the greatest things about TV is when they creatively dub in words to take the swears out of movies. A treasured memory comes from Ferris Beuller�s Day Off, when Ferris announces on TV that �if Cameron put some coal [in his fist], it would become a diamond.� The �in his fist� section of the announcement is a voice that is clearly not Matthew Broderick�s. It�s hilarious. Another amusing substitution comes during Risky Business, when it is repeatedly mentioned that �sometimes you just have to say, what the [heck].� �What the [heck]� was probably what Owner John Stoer was thinking when his season looked lost and he opted for the drunkest QB in the land, Kerry Collins. Collins responded by bringing a looseness and togetherness to the team that led to two consecutive wins. Unfortunately, Collins overdid the partying prior to Week 14 and called Stoer at 5AM on the morn of the game to tell his boss that he had the flu and would not be able to come to the office later that afternoon. Stoer, who has a typing speed of �One wpm less than I need for a raise,� could have easily become the third angry Modano owner, but if there is one thing he has learned from Collins, it is that if you have a tough decision to make, just pop open a can of Bud and say the first thing that comes to mind. Stoer tabbed Drew Bledsoe (1/3) as the starting QB, even though Collins had consummated a deal on Friday to send Bledsoe back to Peaks Island, where he always belonged. While Stoer was disappointed by the 3 point production, �he knew he was leaving, but thanks for throwing to [WR Lee] Evans (2/12).� While Bledsoe only threw that one TD ball, oddly, 44 receivers were receiving TD balls from seemingly nowhere. Perhaps most surprising was Todd Heap (7/24), who finally, finally started to produce. Heap scored 17 points after scoring 7 points in his 6 previous appearances. The similarly initialed Torry Holt (12/105) took home the gameball for his 16 point game, �from trade bait to team leader.� It was Holt�s third all-pro performance. Marvin Harrison (13/128) caught another TD ball and Maurice Hicks (1/16) gave the 44�s a respectable running game for the first time in eons. Ray Lewis (12/98), in his final performance as a 44, scored 9 points, one point higher than Stoer guessed was Troy Aikman�s IQ � �His jersey number- 8.� While the 44�s were scoring in bunches, Owner Randy Chamber�s team had a number of TD�s, but no one put up huge numbers. Chambers got a TD apiece from Daunte Culpepper (13/299), Shaun Alexander (13/185), Derrick Mason (12/82), Tiki Barber (11/162), Michael Clayton (7/53), and Randy Moss (10/89), but tellingly gave the gameball to Jerome Bettis who had 15 points from the bench. Chambers was displeased with �Head coaches named Mike... Martz... Holmgren... Tice.� It was a bit of a surprise that he didn�t blame Shanahan and Mularkey, but no surprise that Ditka never came to mind. Chambers, whose team has now lost three of four and has fallen below 100 ppg (99.07) for the first time this season, boasted of a typing speed of �about 70 WPM when I took the test that landed me a plum office job at the Library of Congress, away from the riff-raff security crew "protecting" the Dead Sea Scrolls.� He then claimed that Troy Aikman had the IQ �as low as the lowest typing speed in the league.� See � �Johnson, Steve� for your answer. Chambers then commented, �I had a bad feeling that the 44ers would finally 86 us, though I thought I had a chance to hold my own in the beer-bong contest when he benched Captain Kerry.� A stunned Stoer, who has become the league�s newest giant slayer, said, �: I don't really need to say anything about the game, the stunning result speaks for itself. Kudos to Hicks and Heap for stepping up big time, I'm just proud of my team.� Both owners agreed that balls and strikes were the most subjective call in sports with Chambers adding that �the inconsistent application (no application!) [of the high strike] has done more to juice up stats than Barry and his roid boys.�
San Francisco Cubists 120 Einar�s Lovable Losers 80 With the Biers losing this week and the Envy �losing� last week, Owner Jason Moore saw his chance to move into a position that he once held like a wood shop vice. Moore claimed San Francisco as title town for their many championships in the early days of the league, although the well has been dry for the past couple of years. Another so-called title town was featured prominently in the game as hillbilly moron QB Brent Farf (13/201) lined up for the Cubists with a lot of inbred compatriots across the gridiron. As is usually their wont against tough teams like the Lions while playing at home, the disgusting green and yellow did not play well. Farf looked like Mike Tomczak as he tried to push the ball into the wind and at the ground. He did score 12 points, but he was playing the Lions for Christ sakes. For the Losers, Ahole �Put it on the� Green (13/110) scored a meager 6 points, but he was mostly running through holes opened up �offensive holding,� which according to Moore is the most subjective call in sports. Farf ignored both Javon �Post� Walker (12/118) and Booger Frankfurter (11/41) who had a point apiece. The Losers� two TD came from former Pecker Aaron Brooks (9/122), who ended up with 9, and Reggie �John� Wayne (11/94), who had 12. A plurality of the Losers scoring came from the D-flex which scored 28, led by Nick Barnett (13/100) who danced crazily after every made play as if he had won the Super Bowl, of which the Lions will never be a part. While the Loser D was good, the Cubist D-flex was outstanding � like, as in record-breaking. Donnie Edwards (13/122) earned the gameball for his 27 points performance, a season record and just one point shy of the defensive player record held by both Brian Urlacher and Dwayne Washington. Edwards�s second all-pro game was supplemented by Takeo Spikes� (6/54), first all-pro game of 17. Had Moore played Ronde Barber, he would have had three all-pro defenders. Amazing. As it was, Keith Bulluck (12/89) had 8 points, making for a Cubist D-flex total of 52 points, just 0.5 points off last year�s Ballbuster record, and just three points off Moore�s typing speed. Along with the defense, Moore � who guessed Aikman�s IQ at 95 (with a reporting accuracy of �75 points) � had the running game humming. While Larry Johnson (1/19) ain�t nobody�s gramama, he showed that he was the Losers� daddy with all-pro numbers in his debut. Dominick Davis (11/124) also had an 18 point all-pro performance, his fifth, and Julius Jones (3/61) had another TD. While two of the Cubists� keepers had off days � Terrell Owens (13/155) with 1 point and Jamal Lewis (9/75) with 2 � Moore saved his spite for Alge Crumpler (10/45) who also had just 1 point. Moore, whose team is now in first by their lonesome and have scored 120 or more points in their last three games, said, �Tremendous performance by the entire defensive flex. Kudos to Bre[n]t Fa[rf] for cleverly taking the Einar's Packer offensive players out of the game, and to Domanick Davis for holding his own against James and Wayne.� The Owner Steve �Darth Einar� Olsen, whose team suffered their first blowout loss of the season, said nothing.
Brentless Brents 100 County Coroners 89 When the media reported last week that if things broke the right way either of these teams could be just a game out of first place, it was not meant that either team should be given a win in Week 13. But that�s how it ended up, as earlier reported, with Owner Steve Johnson and his underachieving Brents being handed a sweet, sweet one point victory against ancient rival, the P-Miss Envy. Johnson said, �I got a gift last week so I won't complain. Who says praying to the Yahoo gods doesn't pay off?� Who knew that Yahoo had ascended to God status, which we thought had only been conferred to Walter Payton in the last 10 years. Knowing that Owner Chad Nuss and his Coroners had been flying high of late, Johnson felt that he had to squash the upset bug early. Tom Brady (9/118) came out of the gates en fuego as he scored 20 points for his 4th all-pro game. Brady also handed off with aplomb as all of the starting Brent RB�s scored TD�s, including LaDainian Tomlinson (13/168), Derrick Blaylock (5/63), and Onterrio Smith (6/37), who was a late replacement for Clinton Portis, who scored 18 points from the bench. Johnson, whose typing speed comes in at �36, baby!� wasted his gameball on K Ryan Longshanks (13/100), who was able to hit a 30 yard FG for a Packer win with a 60 MPH wind at his back. Big deal. The Brent D netted 21 points but Keith �Boo!� Brooking was not a part of it. Meanwhile, the normally potent Coroner rushing attack was stymied as Johnson, who said that Troy Aikman�s IQ �must be high if he likes Farf� � sure, as high as any inbred moron - confused refs by claiming they did not know what �Holding [was]. Any game you see, there are grabs that look like holding that aren't called and plays that look fine and are called.� Upon hearing that, the refs decided to throw flags on every Coroner run attempt, ground Curtis Martin (13/166), Reuben Droughns (8/77), and Brian Westbrook (11/125), who had scored 3 TD�s by himself just the week before in a very memorable game. The only Coroner to find the endzone on Sunday was Muhsin Muhammed (10/91), who continues to have a resurgent season and fan the flame of Moosh-mania. Matt Stover (2/16), who started the first game for the Coroners, dropped in 13 points in his return. Nuss had one last die to toss in QB Trent Green (11/164), facing a 21 point deficit. Green made things interesting with 20 points, his 6th all-pro performance, but the Brents� Blaylock had enough to cover the spread. A relieved Johnson cooed, �Luckily I had a good enough lead, and Trent made enough mistakes for me to pull this one out. His late TD made me sweat a bit however.� After not allowing a 100+ for the first 11 games, the Coroners have allowed 100+ for three in a row.
Peaks Island Wookies 85 The Ballbusters 81 We have all met our share of New Englanders � dropping R�s like nobody�s business, being the most liberal people in the nation, downing clam chowdah like there�s no tomorrow, and a previously all-abiding love for Nomah. Owners Will Mitchell and Rich Joseph (who both have two many first names, not that it is their fault) are two typical New Englanders (although we claimed otherwise 9 weeks ago, we have since been reeducated), especially in terms of the four items mentioned, but when they meet, things are frosty, tight, and exciting. For the most excitement, one had only to look in the Wookies� clubhouse on Friday after it was announced that longtime QB and Mitchell friend, Drew Bledsoe, was on his way back to town. Bledsoe, who had been snapped off the waiver wire by the 44�s, was returning with Mr. Mean, Ray Lewis, in exchange for high flying WR Andre Johnson and QB Byron Leftwich. While the price may have been a bit high for the two veterans, Mitchell knew that Bledsoe had to come home. While this might have been his last start, Michael Vick (10/89) did not perform to his lofty expectations. Vick scored just 6 points and did the majority of his work by wisely handing off. Deuce McAllister (10/86) tuned up the band with 19 points and Kevin Jones (4/39) brought home the oom-pah with another 16. Despite Jones� 2nd all-pro performance, the Wookies still have the league�s worst rated RB slot (7.57 ppg) along with the league�s worst K slot (5.93 ppg, tied with the Cubists and Coroners) and D-flex (18.29 ppg). The kicking � Josh Brown with 9 points � and D-flex, which combined for 28, had good days, while the Wookies� forte � TE play, first in the league at 7.21 ppg � had an off day with just one point from Antonio Gates (6/56). While Mitchell loves tight ends, Joseph loves getting Peyton � Peyton Manning (13/372), that is, who had his 13th consecutive all-pro game. Manning had just 2 TD�s and 21 points and his amazing performance has so jaded Joseph that the Ballbuster owner couldn�t give Manning the gameball. Instead, Joseph chose Nick Goings (3/38) who scored the third and final TD for the Busters. Mike Vanderjagt (12/96) also had a nice game as he chipped in 11 points. As is usually the case with these two, the game was perilously close, heading into Monday night. The Busters had one last chance to stay within spitting distance of first place in the person of Tony Gonzalez (13/89). Gonzalez just needed to stretch into double digits for the fifth time this season. Despite the game being a shootout, Gonzalez was unable to find the endzone and settled for just 5 points. Joseph said Gonzalez stunk like Yahoo �for not coming through in the clutch.� The Wookie win meant a series sweep and gave the Busters their first ever 3 game losing streak.
Week 15 previews There are just three weeks left of the season and Owner Jason Moore must be feeling the pressure. He must! His team holds a one game lead over three teams, who are doing everything they can to chase him down. To make matters worse, the only team that equals the Cubists� white hotness is the opponent in Week 15 � the Syracuse 44�s. This match will show off a high flying passing offense, the 44�s, against a crushing ground attack, the Cubists. Owner Jason Moore, evidently feeling the pressure, fell back on Spanish clich�s, �The 44s are en fuego... I just hope our team can maintain its level of intensity.� And possibly bring their A-game. The Cubists hold a 9-2 series edge and won in Week 6 by an 82-68 margin. Moore has substituted in Ronde Barber, so as to not waste another all-pro game, but left the offense the same. Meanwhile, Owner John Stoer gets to try out some new players. He has newly acquired Byron Leftwich and Andre Johnson in the lineup and gimmick RB Chris Cooley is back as well. Stoer calmly stated, �Another week, another champion. The question will be can Fa[rf] hand off to that perpetual stable of Cubist RB's better than new QB Byron Leftwich can throw it to my posse of receivers. Also, we are auditioning replacements for Ray Lewis, but his shoes and scary eyes are proving to be a difficult thing to fill.� No replacement has been named, but inside sources say Lavar Arrington will be named if he is healthy enough to play. A matchup of last year�s sharers of the championship takes place as the Biers and Busters face off. Owner Randy Chambers said, �If I can salvage one thing in this mediocre season, may it be the deep-sixing of the so called "co-champs" of 2003.� Both teams have been plagued by injuries as the Biers have been playing with a gimpy Randy Moss and Priest Holmes is a fading Buster memory. No lineup changes have been made yet, but Owner Rich Joseph can feel better knowing that he did not have the services of Peyton Manning in their Week 6 battle, which the Biers won 100-83. The Biers also hold a 2-1 series edge. Owner Steve Johnson has blessed his good fortune for being just a game out of first place, but he had better not look past the Wookies, who beat the Brents 96-79 in Week 6 to take a 6-4 series advantage behind 30 points from the now departed Byron Leftwich. What the Owner Will Mitchell has lost in Leftwich performance, he will certainly make up in Drew Bledsoe nostalgia. Ray Lewis also makes his Wookie debut, while Rudi Johnson makes his return to the lineup. Owner Steve Johnson said, �I can't believe I'm still in this. But the road to the top is getting more and more steep.� Johnson has returned Clinton Portis to the lineup � for now � and has put Kevin Williams and Dan Morgan into the ever-in-flux D-flex. The last team that is just a game out of first is the greatly aggrieved P-Miss Envy. Owner Perry Missner believes his team should rightfully share first place and said, �We are on a mission! Of course, we don�t care for the Einar�s team as it is filled with ugly Peckers, but more than that, we don�t care for the way the Einar has snubbed the media at every opportunity. Mostly, we just want to hurt someone real bad so that Urlacher and McNair don�t feel bad from their sickbeds.� QB Steve �Pear� McNair is vowing to start and has placed himself in the starting lineup. He is joined by debuting Eric Parker and Dunta Robinson as well as the returning Thomas Jones and Lance Briggs. The Losers, who spanked the Envy 93-73 in Week 6 to take a 6-3 series edge, have not changed their lineup and have not looked at their team in nearly two weeks. Clearly, Owner Steve �Darth Einar� Olsen is too busy trying to clone himself than he is league matters. The fifth game features the only team to be mathematically eliminated from the championship, Owner Dan Weitz�s Weaselicious Cookies. The Cookies have been bitchslapped by pretty much every team in the league in allowing a whopping 109.3 ppg. In Week 6, the Coroners joined the fun in a 114-59 win, taking a 7-4 series edge. Neither team has made any lineup substitutions, but both should have plenty of good luck from past atrocities.
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