San Francisco Cubists 129 Weaselicious Cookies 126 Dr. Van Nostrand and his team of psychiatrists devised many plans to help Owner Dan Weitz towards the conclusion of his lengthy rehabilitation visit for anger management issues. These plans included breathing into a paper bag when his anger started to rise, talk a short walk outside to clear his head, and just say no to turning on the football game. While Weitz’s recovery from his suffering has been remarkable, like any addict, outside influences sometimes coerce him into another breakdown. Someday he may learn to take the highs and lows in stride, but that day is long off. In Week 13, the Cookies highs soared, but the Weitz mood crashed as the clock got later and later on black Monday evening. The Cookies gameplan started out modestly enough, as Corey Dillon (10/94) ran for his third consecutive all-pro game (15 points) and Chris Chambers (10/72) grabbed a TD pass for 12 more. Derrick Brooks (11/98) led the Cookie D with a season high 21 points, his first all-pro game of the season. Weitz was just sitting down to a late lunch of “POO-Poo moo-moo-goo-goo loo-loo hoo-hoo chicken,” when the Eagles-Packers game started. Not being able to resist, Weitz flipped on the old telly and watched in utter bemusement as the Packers regressed to the glory days – the Bart Starr coaching era. Leading the charge against Green Bay was Cookie QB Donovan McNabb (12/274) who became the second QB to throw 5 first half TD’s against Green Bay. It was McNabb’s 8th all-pro performance, but the fact that he did not put up 5 more second half TD’s made Weitz perturbed. Weitz shouted, “Mcnabb [did not play up to par] for not putting up 10000 yards and 15 touchdowns. Why stop the bleeding? I say gouge them till they die.” Making matters worse was the McNabb refused to ignore Cubists WR Terrell Owens (12/154), the league’s leading WR, who grabbed a TD of his own and his 4th all-pro performance of 16 points. Weitz was not calmed by the fact that the Eagles kept throwing the ball, even after they were up by 40 points. Nevertheless, Weitz cheered the Eagles, screaming, “Pecker D What a performance!!!! Thank you!!” Confusing Weitz even further were the inane ramblings of one time Weitz hero, Troy Aikman, who claimed that the momentum was now on the Eagles side and the only possible reason that Brent Farf (12/188) did not play so well was that Aikman and Farf had not spooned for the requisite two hours the night before. That comment caused Cubists Owner Jason Moore, who enjoys “Vietnamese barbecued pork and imperial rolls over vermicelli” to get on the phone to Fox Sports and make an appointment for Aikman to come to San Francisco so that Aikman could whisper sweet nothings in Brent’s ear until the inbred, hillbilly moron QB was feeling better. While McNabb was whipping TD’s, Farf was – unsurprisingly – throwing to the Eagles. Farf’s crooked smile was nowhere to be seen as the Eagles defense confused him by actually covering the Packers receivers. Moore’s team kept the score respectable as Chester Taylor (3/23) made his Cubists debut an all-pro kind with 16 points and the Cubists D-flex and kicking game had their best days – Lawrence Tynes (4/23) had 11 and the D-flex had 33, led by Donnie Edwards’ (12/95) 15 (1st all-pro). Up by 40 points with TE Jason Witten (12/77) left to play, Weitz felt fairly confident his team would win. Unfortunately, Weitz’s Monday morning started off disastrously as he went shopping and had problems. He explained, “Have you ever noticed that when people are shopping they block an entire aisle with their [shopping] cart, stand there for hours and not move while you try and get through. Then after hours they turn to you and say, ‘oops, I'm sorry. Am I blocking the way?’ ‘Why, no, you’re not. I was just getting ready to practice my cart jumping technique would you like to see it.’ DUMBASSES! And usually they are fat asses to boot so between their ass and the cart you need a car to get around them.” Just a day in the life of an angry, angry man, who would like to hear Yoda say, “[Phaser] Darth Vader, hes a punk!!!” On Monday evening, the Cookie lead disappeared quickly as Julius Jones (2/53) put together his second impressive performance, scoring 3 TD’s and 31 points. Jones’ (who was given the gameball) scoring was supplemented Darrell Jackson (10/63) who managed to hang to the ball for a TD, a 2-point conversion, and 15 points total. Witten managed just 5 points, netting the Cookies 126 points, just three points off the 129 point total amassed by the Cubists. The combined 255 points were the most in Modano history, breaking the 248 points put up by the Biers (161) and Cookies (87) in Week 1. The Cookies’ 126 points were also the highest losing total in Modano history, smashing the record which had been 110 points put up by the Cubists in a 2001 loss to the Losers (who scored 130). The other season record that was broken was the Cubist O-flex which put up a combined 62 points – all three all-pro performances – to top the 58 points put up by the Losers O-flex in Week 3. Moore commented on the exciting win, “Amazing. 43 for Donovan with only one touchdown to TO, and we still came back behind the rookie and five all-pro performances. We feel sorry for the guys in the other locker room; that had to be incredibly painful. Still crossing my fingers that the scorers won't change their minds and score Witten's onside kick recovery as a fumble...” A broken Weitz sighed and said, “Another week, another 100 points scored on us [9th time this season, breaking the 2003 Coroners record of 8 – the Cookies are allowing 109.7 ppg, nearly 20 points more than the previous record]. Stupid Julius Jones why couldnt you fall down on the 1 and then let Vinny QB sneak it to win the game? Mcnabb, I'm ashamed that you would offer the Peckers mercy. ‘Mercy is for the weak we do not train to be merciful, the enemy deserves no mercy.’ Quote from the book of Dan Weitz.” A quote from the book of Yoda? “Mmmm. Ride you I will, Queen Amidala.”
P-Miss Envy 102 Brentless Brents 101 “A little railroad engine was employed about a station yard for such work as it was built for, pulling a few cars on and off the switches.” So starts a children’s story that seems like it could have been written about the 2004 edition of the P-Miss Envy. While other, more highly touted teams have been asked to represent the Modano league this year, their response has often been, “I can't; that is too much a pull for me.” However, when Owner Perry Missner - who would be bemused to hear Yoda say, “Oop… Farted, did I.” – was asked if his team could possibly get into the upper echelon, he said, “I think we can.” Then puffed like the little locomotive. In Week 13, the Envy were pitted against the Brentless Brents, who were once thought to have all-pro RB’s coming out the wazoo. Owner Steve Johnson, who enjoys “chicken with black bean sauce,” has seen his season disappear into a mirage of many yards without copious TD’s. Johnson had his hopes enlivened when Terrence McGee (1/17) ran back the opening kickoff for a score. There’s no better way to start a Sunday. McGee’s TD was quickly complemented by Derrick Blaylock (4/53) who had 10 points before getting hurt and LaDainian Tomlinson (12/156) who had a couple of TD’s and 20 points for his 5th all-pro performance. Johnson said, “LT was his usual all-pro self, Stokley got the points on the right week, but McGee really game my D a shot. All of you get gameballs.” The one area in which Johnson was not satisfied – much like his feelings about the latest Star Wars movies as he would like to hear Yoda say, “Developed … the script should be.” – was with his QB. Tom Brady (8/98) had just one TD and 8 points, “I've put my team behind you and what happens. Your team scored 40+ but you only get a sliver of that.” It seems like Envy QB Chad Pennington (8/105) might be an upgrade on the current Brent QB situation as Pennington started to rally the team with “I think I can” attitude and 15 points, his third all-pro performance and first since Week 2. Pennington’s favorite target was another Chad, Chad Johnson (12/102) who snatched 2 TD’s balls and had a season high 22 points. While the Cubists RB’s were foundering (just 17 points among 4 players), the league leading D-Flex was stating, “I--think--I--can, I--think--I—can.” Ed Reed (12/125) had his second all-pro game with 16 and he was matched by gameball earning Brian Urlacher (8/87), upon whom Missner commented, “a surprise comeback is making me think he might have had some bionic implants put in while he was out. Just when they put the camera on him, he intercepted a redzone Culpepper toss and leads our team by hard-hitting example.” Johnson had one more card left to play, Marcus Trufant (5/37), who needed to up his previous average by just one point to manage a tie. Johnson tried to buoy Trufant’s spirits by telling him “Have you ever noticed that the world is an Eden now that the election is over. Hmmm...bask in the peace and prosperity of freedom on the march.” Trufant played admirably, getting 2 clear tackles while Missner was watching, but fell one point short of bringing his team into a tie. A spent Johnson could only utter, “Well......[shitake mushrooms].” Meanwhile, Missner compared the win to “Kim chi fried rice. Kim chi is about the only acquired taste I have fostered, but when it is fried up with some rice and sesame oil. Aaagahhagahhgha.” He then commented, “The year of the dark horse continues. A month ago I would have never believed that my team would be tied for first place now, but we all live and love the vagaries of fantasy football. Steve is a worthy foe and his team has the look of a champion – on paper. However, paper ain’t gonna do you a damn bit of good.” Which is just another way of saying, “To think of hard things and say, “"I can't" is sure to mean "Nothing done." To refuse to be daunted and insist on saying, "I think I can," is to make sure of being able to say triumphantly by and by, "I thought I could, I thought I could."”
County Coroners 121 The Ballbusters 104 The pressure of being a front runner can be immense. One person who can relate these pressures most accurately is Owner Rich Joseph. Since losing in Week 1, the Busters had been striving toward the top of the hill. Led by two superstars and a middling supporting cast, the Busters reached their goal after Week 12 and had hoped to hold onto the top spot for the duration of the season. Looking over their remaining schedule, Joseph looked at Week 13 as a sure win. Oh, to be so young and naïve. This is only Joseph’s second year in the Modano Mi Hermano league, a veritable baby by league standards, and he will learn, eventually, that there is no such thing as a sure win in this league. The Busters’ started off in their usual way as Peyton Manning (12/351) did what he has done every week of the season, another all-pro game. However, Manning had a below average, for him, all-pro game with just three TD’s and 23 points. Manning’s relative lack of TD’s led to a better than average performance from K Mike Vanderjagt (11/85) who nailed his first all-pro performance with a just above the line 15 points. DL Jason Taylor (7/37) made his triumphant return to the Busters with 12 points and Nick Goings (2/25) was given the gameball and got going with a TD and 17 points, his first all-pro game – ever. The fifth and final Buster TD came from Nate Burleson (6/42) who played in a losing effort against the Chicago Bears. While Joseph felt quite satisfied with the 104 point performance, especially against the lowest scoring team in the league, the Coroners have been dying to play a team that thought they had the game won. Owner Chad Nuss has relied on a Raiderless lineup to nearly get the team back to even water. Among the Raider enemies that dotted his lineup were Chiefs QB Trent Green (9/144), Broncos RB Reuben Droughns (7/76), and Chargers LB Steve “Axel F” Foley (7/44). Green had his 5th all-pro game with 23 points and 3 TD’s and was supplemented in the starting backfield by Curtis Martin (12/160) who had two TD’s and 21 points. Nuss also has two players that no one can dislike, the effervescent Muhsin Muhammed (9/82) and the Packer-busting Brian Westbrook (10/119). Muhammed continues his recent torrid streak with 17 points and his third all-pro performance, a total that was equaled, in three consecutive games no less, by Westbrook. Packer defenders had no answer for Westbrook, who bounced off of them for 30 points. The four Coroners all-pro performance were just part of a week long surge that included 10 different all-pro RB’s, 7 WR’s and QB’s, and 5 defensive players. The league also saw 8 of the 10 teams score more than 100 points. All in all, Joseph was disgusted that his team fell out of first place, but was even unhappier that he was now in fourth. Oh, the great changes that can take place in one week.
Bull City Biers 75 Peaks Island Wookies 68 If there is one thing that Owner Randy Chambers knows for certain, it is that you must “always respect a Wookie. They can tear your arm out.” Another thing he knows is that he’d like to hear Yoda say, “You one hot mama, sweet thang! My saber runneth over.” That respect was certainly earned by Owner Will Mitchell and his boys from Peaks Island as the Wookies played the Biers tough for the second time this season. In Week 4, the Wookies took advantage of the three Bier stars being on the bye. In Week 13, the Bier stars were held down somewhat, but the Bier supporting case was barely on life support. QB Daunte Culpepper (12/285) had to claw and fight for every one of his 15 points (8th all-pro performance) against a feisty Bear defense. Culpepper had to do the majority of the work without his security blanket, WR Randy Moss (7/80), who had to struggle just to not take points away from the Biers. Chambers thought both of his Randys, Moss and McMichael (12/64 – who scored his first 0 of the season), were below par, but he could have easily extended that to his entire offensive flex, who totaled just 2 points, one apiece coming from Jerome Bettis (5/42) and Michael Clayton (6/38). The Bier D-flex, however, performed better as Mike Green (7/57) and Madiues Williams (2/11) both notched 11 points. Chambers was pleased by “Shmilkins [K Jeff Wilkins (10/67) who had 12 points] for finally putting up some points.” Meanwhile, the Wookies got off the block very slowly. Michael Vick (9/83) threw up one of his rare off games as he is wont to do. Vick couldn’t solve the Bucs defense and transformed himself into a walking turnover. Deuce McAllister (9/67) also reverted to ugly, early season form with his third negative performance of the season. Vick and McAllister combined to take 6 points away from the Wookies and even Wookie-for-life Antonio Gates (5/55) could not get them back to even (he had 2 points). The flexes tried to make up for the negative scoring starters and nearly did so. The O-flex had its best day with 38 points, paced by Kevin Jones (3/23) breakthrough 20 points. The D-flex also contributed 27 points to the Wookie cause, but Mitchell found his team only up by one point with his K going against the Biers’ star and league-leading RB. Josh Brown (9/63) held his own through the first half, but Shaun Alexander (12/171) took over in the second half and the Biers salvaged a 7 point win. For his performance, Alexander earned the gameball and further praise from Chambers, “15 TDs for four straight years (a Modano first), and we needed every point last night. If the idiotic Walrus had not thrown to Darrell Jackson at the goal line in the first half on short yardage, we'd have won more easily and perhaps there'd only be two at the top!” Chambers continued, “Have you ever noticed that two "geniuses" named Mike coaching are battling it out to become the first coach to ever win a division at 7-9?” Because the win pushed the Biers back into a tie for first place, Chambers promised to take the entire team out for “any curried chicken, particularly from an Indian restaurant, works for me. I'm quite flexible anywhere from Afghani food to sushi, and every nation in between.” Commenting on the league in general, Chambers said, “This was easily the most exciting Monday night in league history. Three matchups decided late on Monday night, with the three victors emerging at the top of a very tight league race.”
Syracuse 44’s 127 Einar’s Lovable Losers 103 When the pieces all fit together, sometimes it all seems so obvious. Like the end of crossword puzzle or the last pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, no one had foretold the synergy that could be provided when the proper owner and quarterback were blended into a deadly mix of Budweiser, Penn St. coeds, and winning. We believed that not even Owner John Stoer knew how signing up QB Kerry Collins (4/55) would affect his life, and it has – all for the better. Stoer has spent the last two weeks so wasted from the continual Penn St. fraternity parties that he has allowed Collins to be his media mouthpiece. With all that Collins is doing to buoy the 44’s fandom, why not? Stoer decided to throw out any plans for a running game and pass on every down, including 4th. The radical tactics took conservative Mike Sherman disciple, Owner Steve “Darth Einar” Olsen off his game. The Losers started steadily enough with Aaron Brooks (8/113) and Edgerrin James (11/134) putting up big points – 43 combined. Reggie Wayne (10/82) still refused to go gently into that good night with another TD and 13 points. However, when it was time for the Loser/Packers to play, they left their jockstraps at home and played with no cajones at all (not a big change). The Losers did get one completely meaningless TD from Javon “Post” Walker (11/117), but Ahole “Put it on the” Green (12/104) played sparingly and Booger Frankfurter (10/40) did not manage to score. The once proud Loser D also had another bad day as they combined for 19 points, led by Nick Barnett (12/90) who managed to celebrate a tackle, despite his team losing by 40 points. On the other side of the field, Kerry Collins and his sunshine band continued to do what they do best, fling the ball with abandon. Collins’ favorite target on this day was WR Ronald Curry (2/29) who had 22 points which monopolized with Collins to form a 51 point performance. Sadly, Curry tore his Achilles tendon and had to be put to sleep. Yoda, however, offered Curry this wisdom, “If you kill Jar-Jar, stronger he will not become.” Collins said, “If we were being honest about it, really, it would be me again [getting the gameball], or at least Ron Curry who literally left everything he had on the field, but instead it is going to go to our inspiration for the week, Mr. Chris Cooley (1/7). Had one score wiped out by penalty but came right back to punch one in.” Cooley, the league’s first RB/TE combo, scored 7 points in his debut. Hopefully, he is a gimmick that Stoer will not rely on. Also getting into the TD party were Marvin Harrison (12/121) and Torry Holt (11/89), who had his second all-pro game. Colllins said he was disappointed in the “other KC- Keary Colbert (1/1) - but I didn't really look his way much so it ain't his fault.” Colbert told Collins that he made the unfortunate decision of eating a meal “so spicy that I needed at least six beers before I start to cool down” just before the game. While the alcohol was not a problem for this or any member of the 44’s, the bloating and gas pain led to some uncomfortable times in the huddle. Collins commented on the second win a row (a first for the 44’s this season) that he had led his team to, “Another week where we let 6 guys score in double digits, and another week where I work my aerial magic. It's frickin' easy when you got all these great receivers to throw to. And another week where Ray Lewis (11/89) and Sean Taylor (4/19) intimidate the crap out of a weenie little RB. I think I saw Ahman Green sobbing into a hanky after the game. Losing Ronnie Curry hurts, no doubt, but someone will step up and rise to the challenge. Who wouldn't want to catch my passes?” Collins continued to heap knowledge on media members who thronged to his locker after the game, “have you ever noticed that the bouncers at strip clubs all look like Tony Mandarich and if you slip 'em a $100 bill their eyes go all wide and they say things like, "Look at the pretty green paper." Morons.”
Week 14 previews - With three teams tied for first and another just a game out of first, it would go to figure that someone would not be able to keep pace. However, none of these teams face each other in Week 14, so there is a chance that the standings could become even more convoluted with just 3 weeks left in the season. The league’s highest scoring team, the Bull City Biers, face a difficult challenge in the fightin’ and drinkin’ Syracuse 44’s. Syracuse, led by QB Kerry Collins, has won two in a row for the first time this season and would love to make in three in a row against their old friend and combatant. Speaking on behalf of Owner John Stoer, Collins said, “Mr. Stoer seems plenty worried about the match-up this week, but I invited him to the Saturday night pre-game party at my house and told him to chill out. The Biers may be the greatest team in the history of history, but that just means they have everything to lose while we can come out hungover and free to play our game. All the pressure is on them, we're just going to get drunk and play some ball, man, just like when we were kids. Cause that's what its all about, especially this time of year, rediscovering why you love to play this game in the first place.” Either the love of the game or the revenge of a 50 point whooping the 44’s took in Week 5 against the Biers will be what it’s all about. Chambers, whose team owns a 10-3 series edge, said, “I know we are due to be run over by the 44ers, so we ain't taking this likely. The Wooks almost ripped our arms off, so we know the 44ers might drink us under the table.” Forty fourers? The Biers return Tiki Barber and Patrick Kearney to the lineup, while the 44’s have brought in Lee Evans and Jerry Porter for KC to throw to. The second team tied for first, the San Francisco Cubists, face another big challenge from Darth Einar and his Lovable Losers. The Losers spanked the Cubists 112-69 in Week 5 and have won the last 4 matchups, dating back to 2002. Owner Jason Moore said, “We're hoping to take some momentum into this one; every game is critical at this point.” As if there are some Modano matchups that aren’t critical. Neither team has changed their lineup as of yet. The third and final team tied for first, the P-Miss Envy, take on their regional rival, the Weaselicious Cookies. Owner Dan Weitz is having a season without any luck as his team has score almost 100 more points than the Envy, but find themselves tied for last. Basing his comments on past trends, Weitz commented, “I predict Perry and I will score 100 points but I will lose again because some other ass wipe on my team will decide they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.” There are no new ass wipes in the Cookies’ lineup, so he’ll have to rely on the same 11 ass wipes. Owner Perry Missner’s team won in Week 5 convincingly, 96-64, and hold a 7-5 advantage, but Missner is never too confident about his squad, “The Cookies are the hard luck story of the season – it’s becoming ridiculous at this point. One of these weeks they are going to win 200 to 30 (or more likely 33 to 30), but I sure hope that it isn’t this week. Win or lose, I hope Dan is civil enough to shake my hand at the end of the game – last time, the Ainor just spit at me.” The Envy are once again returning QB Steve “Pear” McNair to the lineup and are giving new recruits Antonio Bryant and Travis Minor a tryout. Owner Rich Joseph and his Busters fell a half game out of first place last week and take on their regional rival, the Peaks Island Wookies in an attempt to hold serve. The Wookies beat the Busters 77-71 for their first win in the series history. Owner Will Mitchell has benched RB Deuce McAllister and brought in Jimmy Smith to fill out the flex. No changes for the Busters as of yet. Finally, the league’s two 6-7 teams face off to see who can get back to .500: The Brents were there once and the Coroners have been trying to get there. If things break right, either team could be just a game out of first. Owner Steve Johnson will be giving Bertrand Berry a second chance, but the rest of the lineup is the same, while Owner Chad Nuss has made three major changes: a Marcus and a pair of Charleses. Marcus Pollard assumes the TE mantle for his third team while Charles Woodson and Charles Grant make their Coroner debuts.
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