P-Miss Envy 112 The Ballbusters 93 Both Owners Rich Joseph and Perry Missner knew the key to their Week 12 battle was Busters� QB Peyton Manning (11/328). Manning who was on the edge of breaking the Modano season scoring record had led the Busters in every conceivable way. With second banana Priest Holmes out the past few weeks, Peyton had, almost unbelievably, refocused his game and entered a new dimension for fantasy production. In Week 12, Manning got to showcase his skills early and often as the Colts blew out the feckless Lions with their QB mastering the 5-yard TD pass. The Colt playbook caused Missner to think Edgerrin James did not play well at all: �C�mon Edge, don�t run to the 5 yard line, get it in the endzone. Because if you don�t Peyton is going to flip a dink pass to a wide open receiver. Ugh.� Nevertheless, James was content to get middle of the field yards and let Manning, who was given the gameball, get all of the glory to a tune of a season high 43 points. The Lions (and Bears) on Thanksgiving caused Missner some indigestion and made him claim, �I think an inept defense is harder to watch because they will invariably get the job done on first and second down, only to have the other team get a first on third down. I have seen plenty of inept offense of late too.� Other Thanksgiving scraps gave the Busters 10 more points, which were barely tipped by the beloved Bears on the Envy roster. When Sunday rolled around, Missner knew his team had some heavy lifting to do: the defense would have to keep the Buster scrubs out of the endzone and the offense would have to at least equal Manning�s 6 TD�s. The Envy got to work quickly as returning QB Steve �Pear� McNair (5/36) lit the lamp thrice in the first half of his game, once to gabby WR Chad Johnson (11/80). Unfortunately, McNair went offline in the second half due to some problems with his cybernetic implants and only took points away from his mounting total. McNair did end up with 17 points for his first all pro game of the season and pledged to have a full self-diagnostic on Monday to return to full functionality. McNair�s forays into Buster territory allowed K Nate Kaeding (6/56) to score on numerous kicks, totaling 10 points. Meanwhile, the Busters seemed to be coasting on the belief that Manning had given them an insurmountable lead. Former Envy WR Nate Burleson (5/34) scored just a point (and was given scorn by Joseph) and Eddie Kennison (4/13) was barely able to double that. Nate Goings (1/8) and league leading TE Tony Gonzalez (11/82) managed to put up 15 points between them, but they also seemed to resting on Peyton�s TD laurels. With the scoring creeping (like Missner�s nomination for a movie that appeals to both men and women, �Sixth Sense, I guess. It doesn�t have a huge gender appeal, but most movies seems to fall into male or female categories.) closer, Missner played his trump card in former Buster RB Willis McGahee (6/82), who stomped Buster defenders and scored 4 TD�s and a RB season high (tying Priest Holmes� Week 7 total) of 32 points. Joseph suffered a case of whiplash in watching McGahee running up and down the field and will be wearing a neck brace for the near future. Isaac Bruce (11/78) needed 40 points on Monday night to make a game of it (something Missner was actually rooting for), but fell short with 11, negating a TD with 2 fumbles. As the clock struck midnight, Envy players snuck behind Missner and doused him with an effervescent pink liquid (�Jolly Good Peach Daquiri. This delicious beverage was an Oshkosh staple of my friends and me. Everyone (even that curmudgeon Steve Johnson) loved it. It was once called a combination of 7-Up, peach jello mix and a dash of ambrosia.�). An astonished Missner could barely believe his good fortune, finding his team just a half game from first place, �Unbelievably, we are in the thick of things. We saved our two best games for the two top teams and have knocked off both the Busters and Biers. McNair provides super leadership in that it�s clear that he wants to win so badly that everyone else plays better. We have savored this win like so much leftover turkey and are ready to face our next challenge.� Joseph merely lamented, �Can we put a team together for *&^%* sakes!� Then, turning his tone more serious, he said, �Nice come back win Perry, your team is looking good for the stretch run!
Einar�s Lovable Losers 80 Bull City Biers 70 It seems like a long, long time ago that some league members were talking in hushed terms of the possibility of an undefeated season. Sure, these theories had their doubters, but after Week 2 when the Biers scored just 67 points and won (still the season low for a win), some people believed this could be the year that Modano land saw its version of the 1972 Dolphins. The Biers were tested again in Week 3 when they overcame 58 points from the Loser O-flex (which continues to be the season standard) with huge play from their four amigos. The effort took a great toll on Owner Randy Chambers and in Week 4, the Biers fell to the Wookies. Skipping forward to Week 12, we see that the Biers are still scoring at an unprecedented rate, but the loss to the Wookies opened the flood gates. Sure, Owner Randy Chambers, who�d like to find �Pop rocks for the late Mikey,� could blame injuries for his team�s descent, but he prefers to take the high road on that issue, giving slightly injured players a nod just for getting on the field. For the last month, Chambers had been without his most favored other Randy, Moss (8/80). It was as if Moss was wearing his invisibility cloak from the Harry Potter books, for which in the Chambers� �household, there is collective affection and hence, their cinematic re-enactment.� Despite never having taken a hit and gingerly running out of bounds on most plays, Moss had strained a hamstring and had taken to his sickbed. Upon Moss�s return, lame announcers crowed like it was Willis Reed (another faker) coming out of the tunnel at MSG. Moss caught a few balls, including a TD for 8 points, and likewise infected Chambers exclaimed, �In spite of the puss ooooozing out of his injured leg, Randy Moss made the plays to earn a game ball.� Puss is right. Moss was helped along by the super accuracy of Daunte Culpepper (11/270) who notched his 7th all pro game, barely, with 15 points. Culpepper�s other TD went to Derrick Mason (10/68) who has thrived at the WR slot, while the Biers� least favored Randy, McMichael (11/64) caught another a TD for 7 points. Although the Bier passing game passed muster, the other phases broke down. Chambers pointed out the poor play of Shaun Alexander (11/156), �though he's allowed a bad game once a year,� for his mere 2 points and Tiki Barber (10/158) again failed to find the endzone (7 points). The Bier D-flex was even less menacing with a combined 10 points. Chambers was also displeased by �the king of NFL village idiots, Mike Martz, for asking a kicker to run seven yards for a first down when he could have gotten the easy three for me.� Speaking of village idiots, Owner Steve �Darth Einar� Olsen once again used his Peck Attack to moderate advantage. The Losers were led to victory by Aaron Brooks (7/92) and Michael Pittman (4/69), who combined for 29 points. The fading Loser D-Flex was trumped by a Loser on the bench as Julius Peppers had 21 and the D-flex combined for 20. However, when Monday night rolled around, Darth used his storm troopers from Green Bay, center of America�s Fascist movement to gain the victory. Ahole �Put it on the� Green (11/101) was not available to give points away, but Javon �Post� Walker (10/107) and Booger Frankfurter (9/40) provided the winning margin. Sources said that Darth planned to call Amber back from her educational field trip soon. Chamber said, �Any time they lose, it's painful to watch.� Notice how he distanced himself by using the third person plural. Chambers continued, �Thank goodness for parity. Sometimes I kick myself for the Redskin Rule [which caused the benching of Jerome Bettis who had 13 points], but it is better to lose with dignity than to win with Steve Spurrier.�
San Francisco Cubists 122 Brentless Brents 82 If we know one thing about Owner Steve Johnson, it�s that he�d prefer his team to be Brentful than Brentless. Johnson has spent countless hours worrying whether or not letting go of his favorite inbred, hillbilly moron QB Brent Farf (11/190) was the right move. Sure, Farf has a penchant for throwing untimely interceptions when it counts, but he can celebrate meaningless TD�s with the best of them. However, for more insight to Farf, perhaps we should turn to Fox TV analyst Troy Aikman, who said, �Yeah, the greatness of Farf is immeasurable. Yeah, he might have thrown that last pass into triple coverage, but it was not intercepted because he put just the right masse on the ball. Yeah, he gives me wood.� Despite Aikman�s man-love for Farf, the �legend� had to wait until Monday to play. The Brents got off to a fast start with Derrick Blaylock (3/43) and LaDainian Tomlinson (11/136) each rushing for a pair of TD�s and all-pro numbers. Each was given a gameball for their trouble. After the two runners, the Brent scoring spigot went off. Johnson was most offended by Chris Brown (10/84), because �you can't blame guys if there is bad weather. But if you say you're going to play up to the last second, and then turn up lame, that just lets the team down.� Brown, this loss is on you. Johnson looked to the other side of the ball for hope, �With a good D you will always have low scoring games, while without D you will need to always keep scoring. Therefore, with D, you are always in the game, and O you are a series away from being out of the game.� Right! However, the Brent D-flex scored just 15 points. Meanwhile, the Cubists got out to a fast start because of Julius Jones (1/22) who made his debut in all-pro style. Jones earned the gameball for two TD�s and a bunch of yards. Owner Jason Moore, who wishes he could still find �Mattel Electronic Football,� took a cue from Jones and kept running the ball on Sunday. Dominick Davis (9/97) is fulfilling his keeper status with 4th consecutive double digit performance (and 4th all-pro game of the season) and William Green (1/12) made his league debut a fine one with 12 points. The off game of the Brent WR�s, Terrell Owens (11/138) and Darrell Jackson (9/48), was offset by the fine play of Donnie Edwards (11/80) and Takeo Spikes (4/25), who had a combined 22 points. The Cubist D-flex would have been even better had Keith Bulluck�s 15 points been included, but we should not grouse over such small matters. Moore said it is harder to watch your favorite team if their offense is inept because it�s just �Punt, punt, punt while you wait for the inevitable INT for touchdown.� That sounds familiar from somewhere. Finally, Monday night came and it was MNF�s tribute to the inbrededly stupid. With the game out of reach and the Cubists earning the only sweep of the week, Farf put on an aerial display with 25 points for his 5th all-pro game. Brent WR Dick Driver (3/23) had 11 points, but without Farf getting injured it was for naught. Moore, who thinks Raiders of the Lost Arc appeal to both sexes equally (while Johnson posited, �Films are made to divide the sexes. Although, horror seems to appeal to both, if any do.�), said, �Probably our best running attack of the season. We still haven't figured out how to kick [Lawrence Tynes (3/12) had just 4 points including a botched PAT for the worst kicking team in the league (5.42 ppg)], but we're very happy with the win.� A philosophical, or crazed, Johnson said, �Right when everything goes my way, nothing goes my way. The leaders can't win and give me an opening, but instead of taking advantage I get the SF smackdown. The mix of rain and snow ruined our passing game, and a runner just plain quit on us. It just goes to show who we should have had leading out team all along.� He then added knowingly, �What ever happened to Peach Daiquiri?� Yeah, what did you do with it?
Syracuse (hic) 44�s 109 Weaselicious Cookies 99 Owner Dan Weitz is back. Let us repeat that, just for emphasis: Owner Dan Weitz is back. Forces beyond his control had led to a massive breakdown in which Weitz lost his grip on reality. When he woke up from his OTC nightmare, he found reality had been altered, �What happened to the last 5 weeks I was 4-2 now Im 5-7? Plus there is Britney Spears Dance Party in my Playstation what the hell is going on? Who the hell is the Ainor and why is the Einar's phone number programmed into the speed dial of my phone?� Oh, Dan, you have missed a lot, but you are just a click away from self-actualization. With a determined look, Weitz vowed to turn the Cookie ship around. He knew that he held an ace in former 44 QB Donovan McNabb (11/231). McNabb had led the Cookies to the Week 3 win (108-107) and got the Cookies off on the right bite with 19 points. Coincidentally, McNabb and Culpepper have both had 7 all-pro performances and 5 of them have fallen on the same weeks. McNabb even showed off his dancing skills by doing a few Michael Jackson moves after running in a TD and barring Terrell Owens from copying. Donovan, just wait until T.O. demands a trade� The Cookies also received TD�s from Corey Dillon (9/79), who had his second straight all-pro game with 16, Chris Chambers (9/60), and Rod Smith (11/78), but Weitz said, �The whole team was inspired by coaching in my underwear, I guess.� The rest of the Cookies looked like it had just watched Terms of Endearment, which is among the movies that Weitz said, �If a movie appeals to women it damn well better not appeal to a man unless they are funny like the Einar, if you know what I mean.� Weitz said he missed the good play of Jason Witten (11/72), who had one point, just like he misses �football cards with rock hard gum.� Although his own team was not inspiring confidence, one look across the field to the opposing QB gave Weitz a warm, calm feeling. Owner John Stoer had decided to start Modano legend � a true legend, that is � in QB Kerry Collins (3/26). Stoer was so impressed by Collins in an interview that he decided �to better concentrate on my executive duties, I am turning over all media relations to Kerry Collins, who volunteered for the job.� Collins was just coming off of a three week bender, but his agent suggested he could use the work both on the gridiron and behind the mike. Collins shook off his last Modano appearance, a disastrous -8 for the Coroners, and began tossing TD passes. He hit Marvin Harrison (11/108) three times and Marshall Faulk (11/80) for another. It was no coincidence, then, that Collins gave the gameball to �Me, of course. Mr. Stoer brought me (hic) in to be myself and play my game and that's just what I did.� Collins became the third 44 QB to gain all-pro status, following David Carr and Marc Bulger, who are both on the trading block �just in time for the holiday season.� While wanting to show due respect, Collins was not pleased with �Emmitt Smith (7/52). He's a hall of famer and all (hic) but he just wasn't going to cut it with my new offense.� While Collins would prefer that his team does not have an inept offense, (�Would you have rather watched the Bengals/Browns 58-48 game or the (hic) Jets/Cards 13-3 game? Enough 13-3 losses and you either start refunding season tickets or start passing out free beer, batteries, and slingshots�), the brand new 44 D-flex had a nice day combined for 28 points, led by Joey Porter�s (1/12) 12. Collins said that the team was inspired by watching Rudy together before the game, even though it was about Notre Dame, it was about �An underdog, little guy (hic) makes good story for the sappy chicks, and football for the guys.� A tear came to Collins� eye and he began to reminisce about his own college days, �I drank a lot of Bud Dry when I was at Penn St (hic) and I can't find it anywhere now so maybe that or else, I knew this one chick once, who had these edible panties that tasted like Bud Dry (hic), those would be cool.� Summing up the win, Collins became even more garrulous, pulling up a barstool and yammering, �Mr Stoer told me (hic) and some of the other new guys that he was looking for a new approach to the game and we all helped in our way. Besides my four touchdown passes, I also got Jason (hic) Witten wicked drunk before his Thanksgiving game since Mr. Stoer had some issues (hic) with him from an earlier game or something. Joey Porter and Sean Taylor (hic, hic, hic -- BOO!) helped the defense intimidate little Warrick Dunn. Still, they had six guys in double figures and couldn't take us down. That's (hic) right.� Appearing on the podium after Collins, Weitz was not happy, �I cant friggin believe we lost to a [ferocious] drunk and a decoy. Looks like another year of below .500 as everybody score 100 points against us [which has happened 8 times this season, tying the Coroners 2003 record with 5 weeks to go. The Cookies are allowing an incredible 108.08 ppg]. What the [filmstrip] have I ever [flippily] done to [frogger] deserve to [floozy] lose every [finalized] week because teams have their [famished] super [finger] bowl against us!� Ah, it�s good to have Owner Weitz back.
Peaks Island Wookies 113 County Coroners 74 Whence last these two teams met, the Peaks Island Wookies were in the depths of despair. Owner Will Mitchell�s team had just put a 30 point score on the board (still the season low and just about Peyton Manning�s average) and Mitchell had given walking papers to Peaks Island icon Drew Bledsoe. Mitchell knew that the 5-step drop offense was an anachronism and speed would one day rule the game. With the Coroner D-flex no longer as menacing without Michael Strahan, QB Michael Vick (8/87) felt free to run and pass as he liked. Vick caused mass confusion against the young Coroner defenders (who scored just 13 points combined) and scored 3 TD�s for his third all-pro performance with 26 points. Mr. Vick was given a game ball along with �Mr. [Andre] Johnson (11/81), and the new Wookie-TE-for-life Mr. [Antonio] Gates (4/53).� Gates was perhaps the most impressive Wookie with his 18 points, two TD�s, and second all-pro performance. In just four games, Gates is now the 5th leading TE scorer. The Wookies have returned to the best TE team in the league (8.17 ppg). Not to be forgotten in this cavalcade of kudos is Rudi Johnson (8/84) who led the Wookie O-flex to its best day (a combined 36) with 25 points and scored 2 TD�s of his own. Johnson became the 10th Wookie to have an all-pro game, the most different players of any team. Speaking of various all-pro statistics, in Week 12 there were 9 all-pro RB�s, equaling the total from Week 1 � a season high. The only aspect of the team that let Mitchell down was the continuing problems with �My DEFENSE!� which continues to score a league low at 16.75 ppg. Rodney Harrison (10/87) kept up his average with 9 points, but Mike Vrabel (2/6) was just disappointing. The 8 Wookie TD�s were a season high as well as the 113 points. Thos 113 points were the first 100+ score that the Coroners had surrendered (see, Dan, you have something to look forward to next year). The Coroners were also once again led by their O-flex, whose super powers were apparently activated when Owner Chad Nuss uttered, �fo shizzle my nizzle!� Nuss, who does a passing Cartman impression, was most impressed by Brian Westbrook (9/89) who had his second consecutive all-pro game with 19 points. Rueben Droughns (6/66) had the only other Coroner TD and had 11 points. Trent Green (8/113) had a rare off game with just a 2-point conversion and 5 points. Perhaps Nuss should have started Drew Brees who had 25 points and is the sole reason that Eli Manning did not want to play in San Diego. Muhsin Muhammed (8/65) clearly prefers to be part of the O-flex and to no one�s surprise Mark Campbell (1/2) did not reprise his 3 TD performance from the week before. Mitchell commented that offense was more important than defense �cause at least a shootout is fun.�p>
Week 13 previews - It�s possible that the mishmash at the top of the standings will start to become more defined after Week 13, although none of the top five teams face each other. Currently, there are 6 teams separated by just 1.5 games with a trio of teams just 2.5 games left. It�s the most competitive season ever! The top ranked Ballbusters hope to keep their top ranked status as well as their unbeaten record against the Coroners. Two weeks ago, buoyed by a two game win streak, Owner Chad Nuss screamed, �WE'RE MAKING A RUN, LOOKOUT!� While Nuss has since been subdued, he hopes his team will put up more of fight than they did in Week 4, when they were led by the since reborn Kerry Collins who had his historic -8 performance. Nuss has not made any substitutions in his lineup, but Trent Green is sure to bounce back in Week 13. The Coroners had 43 points in Week 4, the same number of points Peyton Manning had last week. Manning faces the Titans, but has the same lousy supporting cast he had last week. Zach Thomas is out with an injury. The only matchup that pits two teams that are .500 or better against one another is the testy encounter between the Brents and Envy. The Brents won an ugly 76-46 battle in Week 4 to tie the series history at 4. Owner Steve Johnson commented, �I'll just have to try and put together a whole team to go up against the surprise Envy. Missner has pulled together a winner.� Johnson is giving Terrence McGee his debut for the D-flex and Onterrio Smith is back. While we are not sure we�d call the Envy a winner yet, they are the only team holding a two game win streak at this time. Missner was not sure his luck would continue when he stammered, �One of these weeks the Brents are going to put it all together and just steamroll a team. We hope that�s not us.� The only lineup change for the Envy at this point is the triumphant return of Brian Urlacher, who may give the team just that extra leg up it needs. Peach Daquiri for the winner? The league�s highest scoring team, the Bull City Biers at 102.17, hope to get back on the winning track against the team that dealt them their first loss, the Peaks Island Wookies. In a statement eerily reminiscent of what he said prior to Week 4, Owner Randy Chambers stated, �We always respect a wookie. They can tear your limbs off. Hopefully there is less puss oozing out of Moss's wound, so we can get back on our winning ways.� Despite the 68-77 loss in Week 4, the Biers still hold a 7-3 series edge. No changes to either team�s lineup have been announced. The third and final 7-5 team, the San Francisco Cubists, hope to attain a measure of revenge against the Cookies who won in Week 4 by a 79-70 margin. The Cubists still hold a 8-4 series advantage, but a wary Owner Jason Moore said, �Wacko owner or not, that's a good team... we owe them one.� One what, he didn�t say. Moore may be making a mistake by leaving inbred, moron QB Brent Farf in the lineup as he is sure to choke (ahem, 4th and 26) against the Eagles once again. Chester Taylor makes his Cubist debut. For the Cookies, Donovan (4th and 26!) McNabb is sure to have a fine day and he is backed up by the returning Duce Staley. Owner Dan Weitz bellowed, �[foreshank] off, Media! Oops, sorry, [I] watched 8 mile last night and I'm practicing my free styling for a battle at Target next week.� Although the standings show that the Darth Einar and his Lovable Losers are ahead of the Owner John Stoer and his Syracuse 44�s, the series history and most recent matchup might cause the Losers to be the underdog. Behind Emmitt Smith, the 44�s won in Week 4, 89-71, and hold a 5-3 series edge. Darth will also have to contend with the 44�s new pass wacky offense. To wit, here�s Kerry Collins to describe it, �I told Mr Stoer he was like his coaching idol Joe Gibbs in that he wasn't adapting to the league he was playing in. You can't run against any of these teams. They've got all the good running backs and most of the crappy ones too. And like ticks on a deer's ass, they ain't letting go of them anytime soon. So you have to take your shots throwing the ball, with me throwing of course, and hope to get lucky. So we've abandoned any pretense of a running game, collected a stable of eight WR's, four of whom will play every week depending on matchups, and we are going to hopefully shake some stuff up in the standings down the stretch. We'll start with the Einor or Ainor or Einar or whatever happens to be in charge of the team we face next week. It's a dude though, right?� Uh, tests results were inconclusive. Santana Moss is back in the lineup after scoring 13 points from the bench because of a late scratch and Emmitt starting. Jerry Porter is back in the lineup as well and Chris Cooley, the proverbial H-back is in the RB slot. Good luck with all of that. The Einar is still playing broken down Ahole Green and the 44�s will be aiming for his ribs.
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