Weaselicious Cookies 107 Einar�s Lovable Losers 82 There are many good rivalries among the 10 Modano Mi Hermano teams, but all of the others pale in comparison to the heat between the Cookies and Losers. While Owner Steve �Darth Einar� Olsen has chosen to remain above the fray for the most part (helped in great part by his 5-1 record against the Cookies headed into this year), this year he pulled a devious trick in stealing the Cookies� D-flex coordinator, young Amber Weitz, away. Amber recently departed to get more education, but may or may not be back. Meanwhile, several painful losses including his daughter have caused Owner Dan Weitz to lose his grip on reality and be sent to an institution. Sure, he kept on owning and coaching, but it was clear that his decisions were not based on reality and the Cookies as a team began to sink (and stink). Weitz succumbed to hypnotherapy and believed he had become a better person. This better person needed a new name and such was the evolution of Ainor. Weitz might have believed somewhere in his subconscious that Ainor was more good, but the rest of the league looked upon him as a sanctimonious prig. Even his own players were beginning to lose respect for the Ainor as he continually leered at them in a fashion that said, �let�s be more than friends.� The Ainor invited Darth Einar to tea before their match, but was stood up by his idol. Nevertheless, Ainor used the time to refold and color code his wardrobe. Darth Einar used his powers to forge an early lead. The referees in the Colts-Bears matchup were suggested to look over the constant holding penalties on Bear defensive lineman to allow Edgerrin James (9/104) to plow for 200 yards plus a touch. James totaled with 19 points and scored his second all-pro game. James� production was matched by Reggie Wayne, but Wayne was on the bench, replaced by Michael Pittman (3/54) who ran wild for the second time this season. Pittman scooted for a couple of scores and 20 points. K Jason Elam (11/79), the only league player to appear in all 11 games, also booted 10 points, but that was it for the majority of the Loser scoring. Through crazy Weitz or ultra feminine Ainor, the one Cookie who has endured has been Donovan McNabb (10/212). McNabb brought his A-game in Week 11 with another 4 TD�s and 29 points for his 6th all pro game. Donovan threw TD passes to Donte Stallworth (8/40) and Chris Chambers (8/50) as well as James Farrior (10/96) as the extra tight end option. The Loser D-flex was concentrated on Weitz�s tight end � as they usually do � and Jason Witten (10/69) was mainly used as a decoy. After the Sunday action, the score remained close and the Ainor brought his troops together for a speech that was planned to be on the topics of friendship, charity, and the holiness of God�s many creatures. However, as the Ainor began to talk, the Cookie players were disturbed to see that the Ainor could not focus on his premise. While talking about how sharing is good, certain words kept spilling into the rhetoric: �kick ass,� �down with the Einar,� �boobs,� and �reversed vasectomy.� The normally placid Ainor became increasingly rabid and his players started to get inspired. As the Ainor become more volatile, his arms started flailing and he started tearing at his green and yellow sweater vest. The team began to stand up and jump around, becoming more and more riled up. Eventually, the scene looked like � according to one outside observer � a pack of wild dogs surrounding a basket of t-bone steaks. As the doors opened up to start the second half, the Cookies charged out of the locker room led by a triumphant Weitz who was clad only in an off-white pair of BVD�s. Weitz in all of his glory had returned and the Ainor was no more. The first task for the Cookies was to shut down the numerous Loser Packers. This was accomplished as the team took to mooning the Loser sideline in unison. This action caused Javon �Post� Walker (9/100), Ahole �Put it on the� Green (10/101), Booger Frankfurter (8/32), and Nick Barnett (10/75) to become an odd mixture of fearful, sickened, and aroused. In their states of mixed emotions, the four Packers could only score 11 points, forging a one point lead heading into Monday night. The slight edge was easily overcome by the league�s leading K Adam Vinatieri (10/110) who kicked in 10 points and was added to by Corey Dillon (8/63) who had the first Cookie RB all-pro game with 16 points (the Cookies were the last team to have an all-pro RB). The win not only restored Weitz, but also snapped a Cookie three game losing streak and a Loser six game unbeaten streak. Weitz has vowed to coach every game from now on in his underwear only.
County Coroners 102 Bull City Biers 93 Meanwhile, at the top of the Modano standings, there have been some tremors that might not cause pseudo-religious awakenings, but perhaps some bad dreams. Owner Randy Chambers, who is said to be able to go a passing impression of �John Bunting, UNC football "coach". (Given his record, he won't be a celebrity for long. I've been accused in a previous life of having a likeness to Frank Burns of MASH, but he's past celebrity status.�), has been in or tied for first place for so long, some say that he has taken his league-leading status for granted. That may be easy to do when you have the most productive team by over 100 points, but it ain�t the points you score, it�s when you score them. The Biers got off to a good start as team leader and gameball earner Jerome Bettis (4/41) rumbled for 8 points � all on yards. Bettis caused Chambers to sing, �The wheels on the Bus go round and round.� Bettis� running allowed pure passing lanes for QB Daunte Culpepper (10/255) who struck for 20 points and his 6th all-pro game (tying McNabb for the second most QB all-pro performances). Culpepper hit new starting WR Derrick �Although I like Desmond Better� Mason (9/57) and Shaun Alexander (11/154) for TD�s. However, there were some chinks the in the Biers� armor. As if Chambers had intoned, �White man hops, be gone!� K Jeff Wilkins (8/50) had another subpar game with 6 and Randy McMichael (10/57) had just 2 points. Even more ominous was the play of ever steady Tiki Barber (9/142). For the first time this season, Barber had neither a TD nor an all-pro game in an appearance for the Biers. �The much-maligned defense� played decently as the D-flex combined for 23 points, led by Antoine Winfield�s (10/96) 12 points. Chambers, who thinks Eli Manning did not want to play in San Diego because �Besides being a total Elway-esque puswad, you mean? I assume it's his lack of interest in gorgeous women, beautiful beaches, perfect weather, and did I mention, women, especially gorgeous ones?� challenged the media by shouting, �Long live depth!� Yet we must note the Bier D-flex (and O-flex for that matter) were outplayed by the Coroner O-flex which put on an unprecedented display of scoring pyrotechnics. In Week 10, the Coroner O-flex had scored 41 points in leading the team to a win over the Envy, but they proved that the show had just begun by scoring a combined 55 points in Week 11. Mushin Muhammed (7/62) led the way with 19 points (that�s 45 points in 2 weeks), causing Moosh-mania to roam freely again. Both of the Mooshy�s O-flex mates had 18 points as Reuben Droughns (5/55) scored one TD and Brian Westbrook (8/70) scored two. The rest of the Coroners on Sunday were unimpressive, especially TE Doug Jolley (7/14) and K Phil Dawson (9/50) who had one point apiece. And we thought the Coroners were all about kicking? As the calendar turned to Monday, there was just one player left to perform: Coroner QB Trent Green (8/113). Ballbusters� Owner Rich Joseph abandoned his already victorious team and flew in to exhort Green � with increasing exclamation points!!!!!! Apparently, Joseph �couldn�t resist and/or had no will power.� Green seemed to enjoy the attention and repeatedly burned �the lame-a#@ Patriots secondary� for a couple of scores to Buster bench player Eddie Kennison and 300+ yards. In all, Green had 22 points to provide the Coroners with their first win of <10 since Week 17 of 2002 and their first win over the Biers since 2001. The Coroners have now won two in a row for the first time this season. A bleery eyed, disgusted Chambers could only roar, �Arghhhhhhhh.�
The Ballbusters 96 San Francisco Cubists 70 As we already mentioned, the Busters won in Week 11. But how did it happen? Why did it happen? In order to get to the root causes of winning and losing week to week in Modano land fantasy football, we must examine a number of factors: who has good karma, who ate their vegetables, who prayed more fervently, and who got an A on their Introduction to Cataloging midterm. All of these factors play into winning vs. losing, but when one analyzes the situation either microscopically or macroscopically, it all comes down to one thing: it�s the touchdowns, dummy! And we when look at TD�s this season, it seems that one QB has had the monopoly on scoring them consistently and in great supply: QB Peyton Manning (10/285). In Week 11, Manning made his way to an unnamed Midwestern city and threw TD�s at will against an undermanned team. Manning added four more notches to his TD belt and scored 28 points. Do we have to add that it was an all-pro performance � Manning�s 10th of the season? I didn�t think so. Manning even informed the media why his brother wouldn�t play for the Chargers, �More homos on the Giants,� although opposing Owner Jason Moore continued to speculate that �Manning knew he would never unseat Drew Brees.� Manning�s brilliance has become so routine that Owner Rich Joseph (who can do an awesome �Howdy Doody�) has begun to look for other outlets for his gameball providing. This week, Joesph handed gameball to his �D-flex again, they might take me there!� Where? Will Weatherspoon (2/36) had his second straight all-pro game with 16 points and Zach Thomas (10/78) contributed 8 points before injuring his hamstring. The Buster O-flex shouted, �Wonder Twin powers Activate!� as Isaac Bruce (10/67) and Nate Burleson (4/33) combined for 20 points including Burleson�s 2-point conversion. Koren Robinson (10/42) was unable to play (something Joseph �had no idea about�). Speaking of unable to play, one could say the same thing about most of the Cubists in Week 11. Whether it was injury (Jamal Lewis (8/73)), ineptitude (Eric Johnson (4/8)), or just plain years and years of inbreeding (Brent Farf (10/165)), the Cubists did not bring the �3,2,1, PAIN!!!� Moore was particularly disgusted by Johnson (although Farf is more disgusting on an ongoing basis) because backup TE Alge Crumpler scored 15 points. Dominick Davis (8/80) earned the gameball for his TD, 12 point performance and Terrell Owens (10/134) had yet another TD but just 7 points. The loss caused the Cubists to fall 1.5 games behind the now league leading Busters and Moore to ruminate, �What a [sorry] show. It would be nice if this team would show up ready to play against the Ballbusters [now 0-4 against the Busters over the last two years] just one time.� Joseph, who wants to taste championship gold for the second year consecutively, summed up the win thusly: �Not pretty, but we'll take it.�
P-Miss Envy 74 Peaks Island Wookies 64 Ever since the election on November 2, Owner Will Mitchell has been walking around in a funk. It�s not just that he sees the current president as a walking poster for everything that�s wrong with our country, but he just can�t understand how he got reelected. Mitchell�s team, the Wookies, have reflected his state of mind � losing every game since the election except for a win against the even more depressed 44�s. Mitchell knew one ticket away from his blues was to soak them in beer, but even that luscious liquid could not make him feel better. What was he to do? Another thing that would have helped was a win over the P-Miss Envy and their right wing conservative ground attack. Mitchell would use radical � dare we say liberal � tactics in allowing a QB to run or pass as he liked. So Mitchell flooded his lineup with WR�s, lit a roach, and let the good times roll. Unfortunately, Mitchell mistakenly lit up a bag of oregano and his hope for hallucinogenic dream turned into a fundamentalist nightmare. While still in the hopeful stages, Michael Vick (7/61) used his fantastic skills to elude crashing Envy defenders and score 21 points. Vick tossed a TD to his favorite target, big TE Antonio Gates (2/35) who scored 12. However, as the buzz began to wear off, Mitchell started feeling intense paranoia and an overwhelming urge to eat Taco Bell. At that instant, Envy WR Chad Johnson (10/67) scored a TD and began a one-handed Bob Dole dance. Owner Perry Missner, who thinks his �Troy Aikman [impression] is pretty good (You simply start every sentence with �Yeah� said in a Rainman-like voice.), gave Johnson the gameball because his �TD let me know that this was a week in which the Envy could win. The kid�s got spunk!� Exuding excess spunk was TE Jeremy Shockey (9/53) who celebrated each play he made with ecstasy. Missner activated Shockey�s TD powers by shouting �Baruch Ata Adonai!� The third and final Envy TD came from rookie QB Ben Roethlisberger (2/11), who had his second straight mediocre performance of 8 points. Roethlisberger was happy to be drafted by Pittsburgh, but fellow rookie Eli Manning did not want to play in San Diego because �he was under the impression that all Charger QB�s must wear a beard like Dan Fouts. Since he can only grow facial hair in patches, he didn�t want to be embarrassed.� Missner was not impressed by returning K Nate Kaeding (5/46): �I didn�t bring Nate Kaeding in to miss PAT�s. You�ve got one more week to prove yourself or else its back to the deep blue sea.� With each team scoring an equal amount of TD�s, the game came down to the little things � in other words, things at which the Envy excel. The league�s leading D-flex (24.27 ppg) came to play with 25 points, led by Lance Brigg�s (2/15) 11 points. Ed Reed (10/105), the league�s leading defensive player, also had 9 points. The ground attacking Envy O-flex did not score any TD�s, but managed 10 points, which, in a low scoring defensive struggle like this, was enough. Willis McGahee�s (6/52) 7 points were equaled by both Deuce McAllister (7/63) and Andre Johnson (10/73). Heading into Monday, the Wookies found themselves down by 15 points with David Givens (7/49) and Mike Vrabel (1/5) left to play. Givens was largely ignored by Tom Brady and Vrabel did not get in the endzone on offense or defense. The two combined for 5 points and allowed the Envy to attain the season sweep and head one game over the .500 hump. The Wookies now have the league�s worst rated D-flex (16.82 ppg) and only received 2 points from their entire O-flex, a Wookie season low. Missner commented, �Not a scintillating game, but we�ll take the win. Vick and Gates are a lethal combo, but we got some timely TD�s and Will�s Pats did not come back to haunt us. Ed Reed is looking like another Sweeney man to us.�
Brentless Brents 94 Syracuse 44�s 51 With so many losses coming in the recent histories of the Brents and 44�s, the two teams tried varying strategies to rid them of their losing ways. Owner Steve Johnson, who is not much of an impressionist (�You're scraping the bottom of the barrel if you're looking to me for impressions. The best I can do is a drunken Ed McMahon sitting next to John, 20 years ago. HEYY-YOOOOOOOOO!�) went with players he was familiar with and had been sitting on his bench for awhile. Owner John Stoer, who �used to do a fair impression of Norm from Cheers,� went the other way, giving all sorts of new players a try. For the second recap in a row, the conservative viewpoint won out. Maybe there is something to all of this. Nah, our country just loves Fox too much. The tried and true Johnson method relied on gameball earners, �Brady, LT and Longwell, of course� as well as Johnson�s pet phrase, �Behold the Power of CHEEEEESE!� LaDainian Tomlinson (10/118) let his fingers do the walking for a TD and 17 points, his third all-pro performance and a season high at the RB position for the Brents. Tomlinson and Johnson formulated a theory on why QB Eli Manning did not want to play in San Diego, �The San Diego sun is too much for his pasty, super-white, Anglo/Saxon ass.� Something Johnson would know nothing about. Stoer, meanwhile, though that �the Manning's are like sports version of the Bush family, outwardly charming and affable, yet inside they are insidious, paranoid, and nasty. It was all about power.� Tom Brady (6/85), a QB who could play on John Madden�s team �any time,� came in on Monday to seal win with 16 points, also his third all-pro performance. As for Longshanks (10/76), he did nothing of note. Johnson was not impressed by �My O-flex. What happened to you guys? You're usually my strength!� It�s true that the combination of Derrick Blaylock (2/27), Clinton Portis (10/81), and Onterrio Smith (4/21) provided just 8 points, a Brent O-flex season low. However, their plus production was not needed in this week. The 44�s were led by new QB Brian Griese (1/12) who scored a couple of TD�s, but ignored new TE Ken Dilger (2/2). Dilger is the 7th TE that the 44�s have tried. Griese did hit Marvin Harrison (10/82), who was unbelievably open, according to Ian Eagle, for a TD. That was it for the 44 scoring and hence, �no gameball was given.� It might not have helped that Stoer�s super power activation phrase �Nobatternobatternobatter (for I'd be Captain Dan of course!),� which may be a tad more appropriate for baseball than football. For example, the 44 O-flex swung and missed for a combined 3 points (still not the 44 low from that threesome � 1 point in Week 6 is the season low standard). Donovin Darius (1/7) and Jeremiah Trotter (1/7) gave their season debuts with a couple of natural 7�s, equaling Ray Lewis� (10/83) production. Unhappy that his team was blown out for the 4th time this season, Stoer said, �I'll take the blame for this loss. It begins and ends with me and the buck stops right here.� Stoer then continued his rant against himself by saying, �Well, if that wasn't a bit embarrassing. We are a joke. If this was Premier league football, we'd be relegated to the 2nd division, and deservedly so. We play with no energy, no heart, and no passion. We are just cashing paychecks at this point and looking forward to the holidays. And it is all my fault. I'm sure these players would perform under another system, but for some reason I can not get them to put forward any sort of consistent effort. I thought I had shaken things up this week, but apparently I know less about football than I do about quantum physics. Congrats to the Brents for having us on the schedule this week, nicely done.� Trying to take all of this in, Johnson commented, �Stoer has had a tough year, but you can never take for granted an owner who works that hard to build a team, and loves Portis that much.�
Week 12 previews - With a new league leader, the league�s collective attention has become refocused on taking the title away from the Ballbusters. Owner Rich Joseph�s first challenge will be a stiff one as the P-Miss Envy are all riled up over Joseph�s seemingly innocuous comment, �Can the luck continue!?� Apparently, the Envy players do not believe in the power of luck (or of cheese) and believe instead in the power McNair. Yes, old friend Steve �Pear� McNair returns to the Envy lineup. He tried to start in Week 7, but was knocked by an illegal blow to the sternum by 44 LB Ray Lewis. McNair, owner of a number of bionic implants, now sports a bionic sternum, which allows him to function in both freezing cold and blistering hot environments. The Envy, who lost an ugly 63-97 decision in Week 3 but managed to split with the Busters last year due to a Week 12 win, also welcome back Terrell Suggs and Larry Fitzgerald to the lineup. Owner Perry Missner commented, �We hope that Peyton Manning threw out his arm on all the TD�s vs. the beloved Bears. Since we do not fear anyone else on Rich�s team (especially if Priest is not playing), we are going to send everything we�ve got at Peyton and hope he flips some bad passes for Reed to intercept and return. I am not too hopeful with the Lions though.� Joseph is going to try to supplement Manning with Justin McCareins and the rest of the Week 11 lineup. Now that the Bull City Biers have someone to chase, they are in a different mindset as well. Gone is a bit of the cocky swagger, replaced by a clinched jaw of dogged determination. The Biers face Darth Einar and his Lovable Losers in a rematch of the high scoring 109-103 win in Week 3. Owner Randy Chambers owns a 6-2 series advantage over the Losers, which includes 6 straight wins dating back to 2001. Chambers commented, �The Einar's putting up big numbers. With Moss still iffy, we certainly have plenty of respect for our opposing number. Heck, if the Coroners can put up 100, we all can!� Chambers has snuck Randy �Puss� Moss back into the lineup in the O-flex, while Jerome Bettis takes a week off while facing the Skins. The Einar has reinserted Reggie Wayne into the lineup and told Joe Horn to go blow himself. A pair of 6-5 teams faces off as the Cubists take on the Brents. The Cubists won a 103-87 decision in Week 3 behind a huge and fluky game of Brent Farf. Sadly, Farf is still in lineup which will surely prevent another win, but Owner Jason Moore is also trying Alge Crumpler, Lee Suggs, and Julius Jones � who is making his league debut. Moore commented, �Look for Julian Jones to get the Thanksgiving start... our running game clearly needs a spark.� Owner Steve Johnson offered due respect to Moore, �The rest of the way is all up hill. Now next game is against the best in the game, so we have to be at our best.� Sadly, Dick Driver is back in a team�s lineup, but at least it is the already spoiled Brent lineup. Chris Brown also returns from an enforced benching. Owner Dan Weitz continues to gain strength and his team can get back to .500 by getting a win over the beleaguered 44�s. Weitz has promised to show up in underwear only and it is this type of charm that may have led his team to the 108-107 victory in Week 3. The Cookies have won the last two matchups after losing 3 in a row before that, but the 44�s still hold a 7-6 series edge. Only cosmetic changes have been made to the Cookie lineup as Weitz has gone back to the D-flex of Brooks, Farrior, and Thornton. Week 12 holds wholesale changes once again for the 44�s. A frustrated Owner John Stoer laid out his mission statement for the rest of the year, �After watching the ridiculous Redskins/Eagles game on Sunday, and taking into account other sporting developments of the weekend, I think I have come up with what is wrong with my team. We are too nice. We have too many professionals. We need more T.O.'s. We need more guys who think I first, team second. Guys who will beat their chest after making a routine tackle or emphatically signal first down after a fine 8 yd catch over the middle that moves the chains. If you believe in sharing or camaraderie or the team concept, I have no use for you. I want attitude, and if you can't back it up, gimme more attitude and make it someone else's fault. We may not win another game all season, but we won't care because it's not about the wins and losses now man, it's about who can be the toughest, baddest, most selfish S.O.B out there, cause man, we will not be disrespected.� In this light, he has benched Ray Lewis and is starting Kerry Collins. Comedy gold! Among the other players being placed in the 44 lineup are Ronald Curry, Joey Porter, and Charles Woodson. Todd Heap may make his return and Sean Taylor is back as well. Of late, the County Coroners have caught fire while the Wookies have only caught hell from their Owner Will Mitchell. Mitchell, whose team lost an embarrassing 30-78 decision to the Coroners in Week 3 and are down in the series history 5-6, has brought back Rodney Harrison and Eugene Wilson to the D-flex. Meanwhile, Owner Chad Nuss has made no changes to lineup to this point. Why would you want to mess the popping chemistry the Coroners have demonstrated in the last two weeks?
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