Bull City Biers 125 Weaselicious Cookies 102 Stung by what he perceived as media criticism for being an elitist, Owner Randy Chambers took stock of himself and his team prior to Week 10. Yes, his team was on top of the standings, but perhaps he had relied a bit too much on his three keepers plus Tiki. Chambers decided if he was going to once again rout the Cookies, he would need to boost the performance of his O-flex, codename BBC. The increased reps in practice paid off as the combination of Tiki Barber (8/142), Jerome Bettis (3/33), and Michael Clayton (3/28) became the fifth O-flex to all score TD�s (following the Losers twice in Weeks 3 and 5, the Busters in Week 4, and the Envy in Week 9). Bettis scored his first all-pro game and was given a gameball by Chambers, who also doled out balls to his D-flex who combined for 24. Chambers uttered, �The Bus and the Defense [get gameballs]. The media has maligned our team's depth and defense all year. With Moss hurt and Alexander fumbling, the Biers lit it up again. While Daunte is spectacular, it's the Bettis's, Kerney's, Winfield's and Clayton's off this team who are getting it done.� The impoverished classes were represented in Week 10, but one week does not a socialist society make. But debating on which strategy led to the Biers� success is like trying to choose between �Whether Modano or Roenick was a better Sega 95 star. Modano had the quicks and the shot, but Jeremy could not be knocked down.� It should be noted that neither won the MVP that year (please see Pat La-la-la-lafontaine for more details). In the race for this year�s MVP is Daunte Culpepper (9/235) who busted out of a minor slump with four TD�s against the Packers, although it wasn�t enough for the Vikings who refuse to run enough to win. Stupid guys. Culpepper scored his 5th all pro performance with a 37 point outburst and is becoming the QB to Chambers like �Entwistle. (May he rest in peace. There is none other.) is to bassists. Chambers was only displeased by his kicking production, stating �We're just not getting our usual consistency with the kicking game. See ya, Doug Brien (3/21) Hello again, Mr. Wilkins.� While the Biers were gathering up points in a hurry on Sunday, the Cookies were taking life at drug-induced leisurely pace. The local media office received a coded note from the Piney Fresh Breeze Resort that included the following, �Dr. Van Norstrand here. Dan, I mean Ainor seems to be adjusting well except for spending way too much time with the kicker and tight end. Ainor leaves the team unsupervised for large periods of time to stalk the Einar, who weirdly doesn�t seem to mind. I have not been able to have any conversations with the obnoxious, fiery competitor formally known as Dan. Ainor seems oblivious to his daughters and wife. SHHHH here comes Ainor he doesn�t like me talking about him.� When the Ainor reached the sidelines, he was wearing a pink tutu and pink, powder puff earmuffs � and that was all. The new Cookie recruits did not provide much help as Donte Stallworth (7/26), Lee Evans (1/1), and Quincy Morgan (1/1) only scored a point apiece. The D-flex scored just 12 point, which was a season Cookie low. These sad performances caused a glint to appear in the Ainor�s eye, but no one was sure if that was due to a reappearance of the fiery Wietz or whether the Ainor had caught the sounds of �DarBoy's Polka club for men.� Either way, on Sunday night, the Cookies started to play like they actually wanted to win. Corey Dillon (7/47) busted up the hole for 10 points and K Adam Vinatieri (9/100) scored his second straight all-pro game with 17. The Cookies were down by 79 points heading into Monday, but that did not appear to phase QB Donovan McNabb (9/183) or TE Jason Witten (9/68). The two combined for 5 first half TD�s and caused Chambers to �go to bed at halftime on Monday night legitimately afraid that Witten and Donovan could overcome an 80 point Monday morning deficit.� However, McNabb and Witten (who combined for 55 points) petered out in the second half and were only able to keep the Cookies from suffering another blow out loss instead of a regular loss. A lisping Ainor gave the gameball to �the kicker and tight end,� and commented, �Oh Well another loss its only football who cares.� That certainly is different from the Weitz we all once knew who would pop a gasket upon hearing that Bubba Franks had scored a TD. Appreciative of his win and his place in the standings, Chambers (who takes nothing for granted �Given the vote-rigging of the last two presidential elections�), said, �My hat's off to the Weasel. He seems to hit us on our best weeks. D-cup and Witten scared the be-jeezus out of me Monday night. We'll take the the win. And, our thanks to Brian Dawkins for his one tackle performance. Oh, and praise Jesus that Joe Gibbs finally saw the light. Hallelujah. See you at Super Bowl 40, Joe.�
The Einar�s Lovable Losers 85 Brentless Brents 84 Knowing that the dark side was on the rise, Owner Steve �Darth Einar� Olsen let his young prot�g� Amber have the week off for doing such a good job in managing a tie without half the Losers� team. Darth Einar told Amber that he would take care of everything as long as she named a kicker before taking her holiday in the Degoba system. Unfortunately, Amber did not hear this final request before she set off in her X-wing fighter and making her way to the swamp land. Left with his green and yellow minions, the Einar used his force powers to move a clear fumble recovery by Derek Ross into the hands of a nameless stormtrooper, giving the Packers yet another win from the referees. While Owner Steve Johnson could only sympathize with the use of the dark powers, he found his stormtroopers outnumbered four to one and his team in a TD deficit. The Losers made the most of their players as Aaron Brooks (5/69) connected on two TD�s, one of which went to Joe Horn (9/78). The two Saints had 17 points apiece. More Loser TD�s were scored by Javon �Post� Walker (8/94), Booger Frankfurter (7/30), and Reggie �One Hit Wonder� Wayne (8/67). Without Amber lending guidance, the Loser D-flex had its worst day with just 12 points, but more info on them later. Johnson�s team was having problems of their own. He was dispirited by the play of Matt Hasselbeck (5/60), you had the easier matchup and Brady still kicked your ass. You'll be lucky to ever see the sun again!� Probably the right call between a two time Super Bowl MVP and a former-Packer clipboard holder. Johnson had further words for his starting RB Chris �Brown (9/84)! You were playing some [truly impressive] team and ended up losing me points. You were supposed to be keeper quality and now you�re costing me games.� Of course, Johnson was provided with some nice performances as well. For the first time this season, the Brent TE found the endzone as Jermaine Wiggins (4/19) of the Vikings (and �How can people actually think the Vikes have as good a history as the Pack? I ask you.� It�s simple � because the Vikings have won only one less Super Bowl in our lifetimes and have appeared in two more.) scored 12 points. The Brents were led by Derrick Blaylock (1/22) who jumped into the lineup and scored his first all-pro game. Sadly, Blaylock had to share his gameball with Ryan �Bootsy � Baby� Longshanks (8/66). The team did not score any more TD�s, but received plenty of natural 7�s and one 8. All of those yards and tackles helped to offset the Loser TD�s and the game was tied going into Monday night at a dead even tie. The only thing that was between the Losers second consecutive tie and a decision was DB Brian Dawkins (5/41). Early in the third quarter, Dawkins recorded a tackle for the tie-breaking one point. This was the second straight week that the Losers decision rested on an Eagle tackle, which sent both owners to bed before the midnight hour. Of course, Johnson was unable to sleep until the wee hours. He groggily commented on Tuesday morning, �When looking at this weeks lineup I was expecting a triple digit game and a jump on a title fight. Brady had a tough match, Hasselbeck and an easy time of it, Stokley hadn't done much in weeks, and I was adding Priest Holmes Lite� to my set of runners. It seemed an easy decision. Except my team doesn't show up. Blaylock and my TE are the only ones to give any effort or take Einar seriously. He even gave you odds (laughing in your face!) and you can't step it up. I hope you guys didn't want a championship, because our chance just shot by.� Yes, guilt is usually a prime motivator for fantasy teams. While reports had Darth Einar kicking up his heels on the team�s win (and 6th game in a row without a loss), the Black Knight did not forget his prot�g�s gaffe. Einar called one of his toupeed minions on earth who tried to place a call to the Degoba system to tell Amber that she �was fired.�� Amber, who according to reports had befriended a backwards talking, small green man, was not available for comment.
San Francisco Cubists 137 Peaks Island Wookies 78 It has been such a long time since Owner Jason Moore has drunk from the championship trough that he is unsure what to do these days with his squad playing at a fever pitch and wins coming in bundles. Moore knew that his squad is quietly playing itself into contention and did not want to jinx it by taking the always dangerous Wookies lightly. To get the game going in the right direction, Moore had his inbred moron QB Brent Farf (9/152) hand off for the majority of the first half. Knowing that they would not have to be tackling would be interceptors, the Cubist offensive line started delivering pancake blocks to the undersized Wookie D-flex (which is rated as the worst in the league at 17.6 ppg). These blocks results in enormous paths to the endzone for the Cubist runners. Fortunately, in Week 10, the Cubist runners were able to take advantage. Dominick Davis (7/68) looks like a keeper reborn as he scored twice and managed his second all-pro performance in a row with 21 points. Moore handed off the gameball to Davis then did a highly inappropriate fake in an homage to his QB. Kevan Barlow (8/58) also scored twice for his second all pro performance of 15 points. While the Cubists were establishing their early lead, the Wookies tried to play catch up, which as we all know is something Owner Will Mitchell is not very good at. Returning Mike Vick (6/40) to the lineup seemed like a wise move, seeing as he was playing well from the bench, but Mitchell may have been wise to keep the hot hand in the lineup with Jake Delhomme who bettered his Week 9 total of 27 by one. Vick did manage one TD strike to Jimmy Smith (8/66) and handed off to Deuce McAllister (6/56) for another, but the magic just wasn�t there. The magic, in this case, is usually supplied by the Wookie TE. Unfortunately, it appears that Daniel Graham (8/45) has taken a dirt nap after superior early season production. And, as Moore mentioned last week, Antonio Gates was on the bye. Mitchell did receive unprecedented production from his kicker, as Josh Brown (6/47) supplied all of the Walrus�s points in another frustrating loss. With the game safely out of reach, Moore told his QB that he could now fire away in his usual random pattern downfield. As if it were predestined (on which Moore said �Free will is possible within a small orbit, but it is tough to break the gravitational pull of predestination.�), Farf�s arcing passes to no one landed in the waiting arms of Terrell Owens (9/127) just like a naked desperate housewife. There was no arguing the Cubists� superiority over the Wookies this season (two wins by a combined total of 98 points), unlike Moore�s �Strat-O-Matic battles with RC. One thing that Moore and Chambers agree upon is the greatness of John Entwistle. Only one game now separates the league�s two winningest franchises (both this year and historically), and Moore noted, �Lots of gameball candidates, but Davis gets it for setting the tone early. Amazing to see Kevan Barlow in the endzone twice!�
The Ballbusters 110 Syracuse 44�s 72 The only team separating the Biers from the Cubists right now is Owner Rich Joseph�s scrappy Ballbusters. While some of complained of the Biers reliance on just a small group of players, the same accusation could be leveled at the Busters who have become a de facto one man band. With Peyton Manning (9/257) scoring TD�s at an unrelenting pace, however, who can argue with that strategy. In Week 10, Manning continued to be on fire, throwing 5 more TD�s and scoring 34 points. Reportedly, Manning even threw one TD ball to himself. Manning had put up 139 points in the last four games and is on pace to break the Modano scoring record in 2-3 more games. Amazing! Like Sir Paul McCartney, Manning had to play almost all of the instruments for the Busters because Priest Holmes was not available. Holmes claimed he had jury duty, although no one could find any evidence to support it. What�s that Priest up to? Last minute replacement Steven Jackson (5/28) scored as many TD�s as the hordes of 44/Rams. That Ram TD was scored by 44 QB Marc Bulger (6/89) who did manage 14 points. The 44�s were sadly led by decrepit RB Emmitt Smith (5/49) who scored the team�s only all-pro performance with 16 points, mostly out of pity from the Buster D-flex, which was given the gameball by Joseph for their inspiring play. Joseph called on two new comers to get the Buster D-flex out of the league�s basement. Alex Brown (1/18) and Will Weatherspoon (1/20) were more than up to the task as each had an all-pro game and the two combined for 38 points. Adding Bryon Scott�s (3/21) 7 points provided a new D-flex season record for the Busters, who also held the D-flex record in 2003 with 52.5 points. The rest of the Buster team took the week off with Marcus Robinson (2/3) receiving the most scorn, as Joseph stated, �[he is] no longer a starter.� Joseph then compared Robinson to Red Sox goat Bill Buckner who �does suck! Still!� In reference to sucking, one could give that entire award to the 44�s who now own the Modano basement to themselves. Stoer looked to Marvin Harrison (9/73) and Torry Holt (9/69) for answer but received three points for his trouble. Their futile play reminded Stoer of the time �I tried in vain to stop a friend from giving up on baseball following the cancellation of the World Series years ago. His loss.� Unlike the consistent beat of �Phil Lesh of the Grateful Dead,� the 44 TE slot has been a continuing space of trial and tribulation. This week Jerramy Stevens (1/3) became the 6th different 44 TE. Why won�t the Dolphins convert Rob Conrad already? That seemed predestined, something Store does not believe in, stating, �Predestination implies some sort of unknown universal force or power which controls our destinies, to which I say, hogwash.� He was then hit by a 16 ton anvil. A flattened Stoer sadly uttered, �Great quarterbacking and superb defense did us in. Thank goodness Priest was out or we could have set a new margin of defeat record.�
County Coroners 100 P-Miss Envy 53 The past two weeks had seen the Owner Perry Missner and his P-Miss Envy leap onto the scene, knocking off the top contending Cubists and Biers. The future seemed rosy for the Envy who saw the bottom dwelling County Coroners as their next opponent, but if Modano land fantasy football has taught us anything it is the opponent that you take lightly will be your downfall. While it may be true that Missner was scouting his Week 11 opponent, the Wookies, as early as last Thursday, it is not true that a ticker tape parade had already been scheduled. In fact, Missner claimed nothing had already been scheduled, �Free will is clearly right. Sure, there are unexplained random events that seem to have a deeper meaning, but that�s just our way of explaining the unexplained. For example, was it part of some greater plan that I should fart when I did? I doubt it.� While it may not have been part of a greater plan, it did clear the room, giving Missner time, if not the ability, to think. What Missner thought about was probably the time �at school, my friend and I used to bet on all of the football games each Sunday to make our time in the dishroom go by more quickly. We would set our own spreads and one Sunday we couldn�t agree on a Chargers-Colts spread. I remember that we argued for just about the entire shift about it. The time just flew by.� Fascinating, just fascinating. Meanwhile, the Envy had the majority of their players going in the early game, so they could know early enough how the day would fare. As it turned out, the day fared poorly, with none of the 8 early game Envy players scoring TD�s. Missner gave the gameball to �Ed Reed (9/94) [because] he keeps outperforming my expectations. I can�t say that about the rest of these schlubs.� Reed is the league�s leading defensive player and he lead the league�s best D-flex (24.2 ppg). Fred Taylor (8/62) ran quite well for 10 points, but was unable to score a TD. The other Envy performance were unimpressive, and Missner said, �While the whole team stunk, I was most disappointed by Johnny Morton (1/0). More to the point, I was even more disappointed in myself for picking up Morton and playing him.� While the Envy were dousing any higher aims in flames, the Coroners kept a steady beat like �Adam Clayton of U2. He always drives their music and fills in what the Edge leaves out.� The Coroners got an early score from Trent Green (7/91) and a pair of TD�s from Curtis Martin (9/128), who had his 5th all pro game with 19. In the late afternoon games, Muhsin Muhammed (6/43), who was given the gameball, broke the game open by scoring an unprecedented 3 TD�s and 26 points. Could it be the resurgence of Moosh-mania? Owner Chad Nuss, who �can lay down some sweet bass lines in the 80's,� even had his once renowned D-flex performing at ahigh level as they combined for 26 points, nearly doubling the Envy D-flex. Nuss, who still has problems discussing the �Tuck Rule, if it looks like a fumble, and smells like a fumble, it's a fumble,� was not happy with the play of Anquan Boldin, who �will be benched until further notice.� Even more impressive is that the Coroners are only allowing 74.4 ppg and have not allowed an opponent to score 100 points or more. Led by Moosh and a rub it in your face TD by Brian Westbrook (7/52), the Coroner O-flex had a season high 41 points, which caused Nuss to cry, �Of Course, Free Will, Die Commie Bastards!� A crestfallen Missner said, �This serves me right for getting too high on my horse. I can always count on fantasy football to reduce the size of my head. When I saw Green and Martin scoring TD�s and none of my players doing much, I knew I was in trouble. Back to .500.�
Week 11 previews - There are four teams that sport records with more wins than losses and two of those teams � the Ballbusters and San Francisco Cubists - face off in a battle for either first or second place, depending on what the league leading Bull City Biers do. The series history does not favor (the Busters have won all of the teams meetings, including a 97-84 win in Week 2) grumbling Owner Jason Moore, but he is not without hope as the Busters will once again be without league leading RB Priest Holmes. League leading QB Peyton Manning also faces a tough task in the feisty Chicago Bear defense in the winds off Lake Michigan. Owner Rich Joseph will once again start RB Stephen Jackson and also calls upon Drew Bennett and Zach Thomas who were out of the lineup last week. Moore is doing himself a disservice by once again starting QB Brent Farf, whose IQ is just below his jersey number. LB Donnie Edwards returns to the Cubist D-flex, but the rest of the lineup is the same as the Week 10 group that put up 137 points. Moore commented, �I hope we didn't use up all our all-pro performances... we'll need 'em.� The most intriguing matchup is provided by long time archrivals, the Cookies and Losers. This matchup may be different as Owner Dan Weitz has morphed in the Einar-loving, boob-loathing Ainor. The Ainor claimed, �YaY we play Einar, we are going to pick up every available Pecker so Einar can easily win. The Einar is one of the hottest teams not to mention he�s just plain hot.� Ugh. The Cookies actually won in Week 2 by a 103-90 margin, but Weitz lost the services of hot shot D-flex coordinator Amber before that game. Some say Amber left due to neglect, others say she just needed a new challenge. Either way, Amber once again abandoned her team to learn greater powers on the swamp planet of Degoba. Somehow, Amber may once again figure into the result of this heated rivalry. Ainor actually has not picked up any Packers, but hopes to make the series go to 3-5 with returning Rod Smith and Chris Chambers to the O-flex. As is his way, Owner Steve �Darth Einar� Olsen has not changed his lineup, which includes the well-rested K Jason Elam. The league-leading Bull City Biers face off against the County Coroners, who have an equally long winning streak. The Biers slept through a Week 2 67-48 win with just one TD from the Culpepper-Moss connection. Owner Randy Chambers said, �Pagin Doctor Morgan!!! We cannot wait much longer for the bionic hammy to be implanted. This rolling stone needs some Moss.� Oy. Sadly, Moss is as much afraid of surgery as he is of contact, so they�ll be no surgery for Puss. He prefers homeopathic (and smoky) methods of rehabilitation. TE Randy McMichael returns for the Biers along with Derrick Mason in the starting WR slot. Owner Chad Nuss returns big back extraordinaire Reuben Droughns and DL Steve �Axel� Foley to the lineup. The Biers hope to land their second straight 12th win in a series history. Both the Wookies and Envy hope to get back into the winning light as they face off in Week 11. The Envy won a slugfest in Week 2 by a 99-80 margin. The Wookies hold a 6-3 series edge and should welcome back TE Antonio Gates from the bye in time for this battle. QB Big Ben Roethelisberger is still in the starting slot for the Envy despite scoring just 3 points in his debut. The Envy will be playing without emotional leader Brian Urlacher who is our for another 4-6 weeks with calf implant surgery. Na-na-na-na-na. The Envy will have Jay Foreman and Lance Briggs in the D-flex and Thomas Jones could make his return to the O-flex. Missner said, �Up until Week 10, we had been playing well, but the Wookies had been playing even better over the last month � wins or not. This is going to be a tough game, but we hope our ground attack will trump the Wookies fine receivers. Oh yes, we will be going for deathblow on Vick.� In the fifth game, the league most struggling franchises, the 44�s and Brents, face off. The 44�s have lost 5 of their last 6 games and the Brents have lost 4 of their last 5. The Brents were riding an early wave of RB success in beating the 44�s 89-72 in Week 2 to push their series advantage to 7-4. A disappointed Owner Steve Johnson said, �Faaa....I'll just wait and see what happens.� Johnson welcomes back Tom Brady, LaDainian Tomlinson, and Harry W. favorite Ashley Lelie to the lineup. Speaking of our favorite writer Harry, did anyone notice that as soon as he showed up, the Brents immediately went in the tank. Can�t handle a bit of constructive criticism, eh? The tryout for 2005 have begun in Syracuse. Owner John Stoer is going to try out Brian Griese, Ken Dilger, T.J. Duckett, Donovin Darius, and Jeremiah Trotter. There were even rumors that he was going to give TeBucky Jones a tryout. Stoer said, �Another week where we have to get up off the ground, dust ourselves off, and prepare to get spanked- and not it the good way. We have no player who we can count on to play well on a weekly basis, even our supposedly "good" players routinely suck these days, so we are going to shake things up as much as we can and hope to keep it close.� That�s all any of us can hope for.
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