Bull City Biers 155 Weasels N Therapy 87 Things are good in the Bull City these days. The two-time defending champs sent a signal to the rest of the league on Sunday that they are the team to beat in 2004 and nothing short of a three-peat will satisfy the expectations now on this team. The freshly-minted Biers set a new Modano league scoring record with 155 points besting the 150 the Cubists posted in 2000. It would be hard to say who led the team as even Owner Randy Chambers, who will watch the debates this fall, noted, � So many gamers, so few balls to give out.� Enormous-chested QB Daunte Culpepper led the team and the league with 39 points connecting with long time pal Randy Moss (14pts) for a score. He also did the little things, like handing the ball off effectively, as Shaun Alexander (29pts) and Tiki Barber (19pts) rumbled for all-pro performances. The Bier D even chipped in as new Bier Antoine Winfield benefited from Ty Law covering the other half of the field as he tallied an all-pro 15 points. That�s 4 all-pro performances with three other Biers scoring in double digits. Wow. Unfortunately for Owner Dan Weitz, his Weasels were on the opposite side of the ball from the tsunami that was the Biers. Coming off their first winning season in 2003, the Weasels had spent much of the off-season with this game in mind as a test to see how good they truly are. New QB Donovan McNabb, thrilled to be out of the mess that is in Syracuse, divined 35 points to please the new hometown fans, but his teammates couldn�t keep up with him as no one else scored in double-digits. Still the respectable 87 points, when combined with the Biers 155, created a new league record for combined scoring (242) topping the 240 that the Einar and Cubists put up in 2001. As the records fell, the confidence coming out of the Bier locker room was apparent. A gleefully drunk Chambers said, �Picking up Donovan on the eve of the season gave him a good start, but to think he can beat the two-time defending champ is bit humorous.�
Big Bad Bretts 97 Team Einar 77 The prime-time match-up of the week between the two best teams not to share the crown last season proved to be a disappointing one-sided affair as the BBBretts won their opener for the 4th season in a row. After coming so close last year, Owner Steve Johnson knew he didn�t need an overhaul of his team, just a few minor tweaks and adjustments. So after a summer of closed to the media practices, the Bretts went old-school with their version of the Cubist three-headed monster. Tomlinson and Portis were an expected two heads and put up 30 points between them, but the surprise came in the form of diminutive change-up back Quentin Griffin. Griffin scored 25 points with three scores to finish off the battered Einar defense and earn him a game ball. Johnson even acknowledged as much in giving his game ball to little QG, �I expected a good game from my other backs, glad to have you aboard.� The Daily Show fan did single out Boo �BOOOO!!!� Williams for some much deserved scorn as Boo actually hurt the team with �1 points. Where the Bretts have cultivated a three-headed attack, the Einar has decided to go with the more traditional two-back formation. The ever-consistent Ahman Green did his job with 25 points but Edgerrin James couldn�t get on track and fumbled his way to a mere 4 points. The Einar has also decided to start the season balancing his seasoned vets with a pair of rookies, former Hurricane teammates Kellen Winslow and Sean Taylor. Winslow bellyached his way to two points and Taylor sat on his high-priced rear for 0 points. A bright note though was Packer LB Nick Barnett who just missed an all-pro performance with 14 points. While the Einar locker room was closed, possibly because Big Brother was on TV, Johnson echoed the supreme confidence of fellow owner Chambers with a polite apology, �Sorry Einar, but some one had to get in the way.�
SF Cubists 99 Wookies 60
Owner Jason Moore attempted a tough transition last year by trying to balance his educational duties on the East Coast with his football duties back on the West Coast. It proved to be an up and down disappointing 8-9 season for one of Modano�s storied franchises. Then, in a surprising off-season move, long-time Cubist star Terrell Owens bolted the Bay Area also to come to the east coast and be closer to his owner in an attempt to unify the team. That one unselfish gesture seemed to put the old Cubist spring back in their steps. T.O. delivered an all-pro 22 points and Moore came right back and gave T.O. the game ball. Can you feel the love? Dominick Davis chipped in 17 points and the stiff D of the Cubists added another 24. Moore, who would like to see Beer Pong in the Olympics, noticed the absence of Jamal Lewis (3pts), but complimented defensive standout Teddy Bruschi (10pts) by saying �I can sum up this week with an equation: Bruschi = 2 * (Rodney Harrison(3) + Richard Seymour(2)}. That set the tone for the week.� With Moore and Owens on the same page again, and crazy Patriot math equations wreaking havoc with his concentration, Owner Will Mitchell and the Wookies were no match for the Cubists. They came out flat in every aspect of the game as no player even scored in double digits. TE keeper Daniel Graham and LB James Farrior led the team with 9 points each. Wookie superstars Mike Vick(8) and Deuce McAllister(1) were flummoxed by the Cubist D all game. The now-homeless Wookies, who actually had a 5-4 series advantage over the Cubists coming into the game, now must regroup in time to face the Envy next week or risk falling into an early season 0-2 hole. Meanwhile, the Cubists, like the TV show 24, appear to be in top form.
Syracuse 44�s 96 The Ballbusters 80
While touring the country during the opening of the 2003 season, Syracuse owner John Stoer stopped in a little town called St. Louis and realized that they played football there too. He didn�t give it much thought at the time, but after a 7-10 season, and an uninspired off-season, the malaise around 44 training camp was palpable and Stoer knew he had to make a change. Out went favorite son McNabb and in came a host of St. Louis Rams. His four Rams starters scored 43 points in helping the 44�s to their first victory over the other defending co-champ and his first opening day victory in 4 years. While the 43 points were helpful, the game ball went to Ray Lewis and his 17 points to lead the tenacious D of the 44�s. Said Stoer, �Ray Lewis wouldn�t let us lose today.� That 44 D which scored 32 points on their own also held the high-powered Ballbusters to 80 points. Mr. TD, Priest Holmes, continued his amazing run with 28 points, and Mr. Clean, Peyton Manning, threw in 18 of his own. But it was the rest of the Buster offense which let Owner Rich Joseph down. Only one other offensive player scored as much as 6 points, and that was WR Steve Smith who paid for it with a broken leg. Ouch. Joseph was so disappointed in his team�s play, after the game, he immediately shut the locker room doors and had no comment for the press. Stoer at least had this to say about the game, � We went through some painful change right before the season, so it�s nice to get off to a good start. Beating a defending champ is always a positive sign and hopefully we can keep it going into next week.�
P-Miss Envy 81 County Coroners 68
It�s a new season and so expectations are allowed to flourish again for these two teams who combined for seven victories during the 2003 campaign. Sadly for both clubs, the season got off to an un-kind start even before the first whistle. The Envy lost star RB Ricky Williams to retirement and certainly false marijuana allegations. Through the dense smoke clouding the air at his press conference, Williams, in between spoonfuls of Chunky Monkey, had this to say, �I need to devote more time to my personal life, my charity work and my Xbox. Later dudes.� Owner Perry Missner decided enough was enough and brought in his type of player this off-season and they helped lead the Envy to the week 1 victory. The Chads- Pennington and Johnson- put up 19 and 12 points respectively. Team leader Brian Urlacher led the D with 10 points. Missner was clearly elated by the play of his new QB and gave him the game ball. �It took until week 16 to get an all-pro QB game last year, Pennington is clearly a step in the right direction for this franchise.� Missner, who like many owners would like to see American rules football adopted into the Olympics- either that or adding a �shooting� aspect to some events i.e. high dive + skeet shooting-, wished for a bit more production from his rookie standout WR Larry Fitzgerald but was just happy to get out with a win. While the Envy lost Williams before the season, the Coroners lost the Larry Fitzgerald of 2003, Anquan Boldin, to a knee injury before the season hampering their comeback hopes of 2004. The Coroner offense could use his production as only Curtis Martin (25pts) showed up at all, earning him a game ball. Frustrated Owner Chad Nuss vented, �Second lowest point total in the league, where�s that KC offense? C�mon Trent Green.� The only consolation for Nuss was envisioning the Olympic caliber Laser-tag matches that he hopes are in Beijing in 2008. Envy Owner was still in the present as he contemplated his week 1 victory. He said, �The Coroners are always a worthy foe. After playing Tuiasasopo against them last year, we knew not to throw any Raiders at them, but we were surprised how few we saw in return. Despite only having a keeper and a half from last year, I like the way my team is shaping up.�
Week 2 previews:
The Prime Time game of week 2 is the rivalry in Wisconsin between the Weasels and Team Einar. This game is always so intense it is safe to assume both teams had this one marked down when the schedules were announced and were looking past their week 1 opponents to this game. While there have been unsubstantiated reports that the friction between these two has cooled, both teams have been unusually silent this week as they ready their preparations. The Einar holds a slim 6-5 series edge. It what should be a great game, the rejuvenated Cubists take on the co-champ Busters- the only team the Cubists have never beaten. As Moore noted, �They are the only team we�ve never beaten, and I�m sure they�ll come into this game fired up after week 1. We�ll try to have everybody ready.� They will surely look to Jamal Lewis to rebound from a poor week 1, while the Busters are looking for a more balanced attack. In the only battle of 1-0 teams, the 44�s will battle the Bretts. Both owners are keenly aware of the major factor heading into the game. Johnson said, �Let�s hope St. Louis plays just as well next week,� while Stoer commented, �How good is that Falcons defense? C�mon Rams!� It should be a year long look at the Rams schedule whenever the 44�s are playing, but the best match-up should be Ray Lewis vs. LT, CP, and QG- the new look three-headed monster. The up-and-coming Envy face old foe, and Ricky Williams trading partner, the Wookies in what should prove to be a very meaningful game for both teams. Can the Envy run their streak to two games? Will Mike Vick rebound against his old team and stop the Wookies from going 0-2? Missner, who is clearly taking this game seriously, threw out this for the Wookie locker room wall, �Our old friend Michael Vick is back. We had plenty of practices to know what he is capable of�we�ll be aiming for the knees.� Lastly, in the all Six Feet Under game, the mighty, mighty Biers face off against the Coroners. The Biers have owned this series 10-2 and show no signs of slowing down, even if Shaun Alexander is a bit gimpy. Chambers said simply, �Next victim, please.� The Coroners, who are thinking of making a change at QB, get their shot at taking down the best, but the question is, can anybody beat the Biers?