The Setting: For the third time, the Ceremony is being held in Washington, DC. While once upon a time, we could only manage a 7-11 parking lot near American University, the league has hit the big time. Through various connections and lack of actual business being run (although a horseshoe tossing contest was bumped), the Awards Ceremony has booked the Rose Garden at the White House. Because security is of tantamount importance, there is a long line of owners, players, and former producers of Three�s Company. Fortunately, the low paid White House staff is organizing the owners and their keepers in the proper order. Each owner has to stop by security (which is ably manned by top notch security guards Steve Grogan and Mosi Tatupu), where they will drop off their meal for the pot luck, announce their keepers, and greet the president, who is our host for the afternoon/evening.
Steve Grogan: You know, Mosi, I wish I was still playing football.
Mosi Tatupu: I agree, but you got to admit that this security guard job at the White House is pretty sweet.
SG: Sure, we get paid lunches and some White House perks, but I�d like another shot at a Super Bowl ring.
MT: Me too, brother, but what do you miss least about football?
SG: I hated getting abused for wearing that neck brace, which some people consider my signature from football. The doctors told me that without that brace, my head could have actually snapped off. Tell me you wouldn�t wear a brace if someone told you your noggin would be bouncing around without it. What do you like most about this here security job?
MT: Mostly making sarcastic comments after the people go through the line. I see some of our first guests are arriving, we�d better get to work. Mr. President, are you finished with your lollypop break?
George W. Bush: Almost Mooshy. I can shake hands and suck my pop at the same time. (heh heh heh). Send them in.
[Owner Dan Weitz is the first to arrive. For some reason he is empty handed.]
MT: Hey, dude, where�s your food for the pot luck?
Dan Weitz: I don�t bring things to pot luck, I just mooch off of other people.
SG: [shouting to the battalion of secret service officers] We got ourselves a moocher here. Full body cavity search!
[A throng of security personnel swarm at Weitz, who is tazered until there is smoke coming out of his ears.]
MT: We forgot to get his keepers list.
SG: Nope, here it is. [SG dons a rubber glove then pulls an index card out of a body cavity] It says that the Cookies are keeping Donovan McNabb, Corey Dillon, and Jason Witten. The reason for those three is that �all of the others [frivously] sucked ass. What the [fantasia] did I ever do to [felony assault] suck for 10 [fetal position] years in a row. My strategy next year is to draft my team and trade every [lousy player] before the season starts so my players can suck ass for somebody else!!!�
GWB: Now you see how my moral agenda could help ne�er-do-wells, like young Mr. Wontz here. It�s clear that such an unfortunate soul needs many prayers said for him, but not from the Islamic Carrot or the Judish Torchah. Those prayers are second rate (heh heh heh). I have to say, however, that those keepers are about as good as can be expected. Not a Joey Galloway or Easy Ed McCafferty among them. Mooshy, I noticed that Weitz has penned some advice for my second term on the other side of that index card. Could you read it for me?
MT: It says, �Nuke the Einar.�
GWB: I don�t think I�ll do that, since he is my greatest supporter in the league, no matter how evil he may be.
[Owner John Stoer walks up to the security station, takes one look at the smoking Weitz, and offers up some delicious smelling grub for the pot luck.]
SG: What is this?
JS: Cilantro shrimp and garlic quesadillas
[GWB jumps into the line and snatches the food and starts stuffing into his mouth.]
JS: What's up, George, wanna grab a beer, talk about some [shaving cream], I know a great place.
GWB: [mouth still full of shrimp and tortilla bits] Gottha sthay here. Close to home base. May have to use the potty.
JS: Uh, right. Well, my keepers for 2005 are going to be Torry Holt, Marvin Harrison, and Stephen. A Jackson. I traded for Andre Johnson with the intention of keeping him, but Jackson has potential to be special next year, though now that I've kept him, I'm sure he will be tear a hammy or Faulk will return to form or something.
GWB: Well, I can�t agree with that at all because Johnson is from the great state of Texas. Much like me, the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, and Enron � all the greatest things about the USA. Bad move, John, but that grub was delicious.
JS: Thanks, Mr. President.
[Last year�s co-champion hits the scene as Owner Rich Joseph makes his way to the security station. He has brought the ubiquitous jello mold to the festivities.]
MT: Who are your keepers, sir?
RJ: I am gonna stick with the players who got me last year�s trophy � Peyton Manning, Priest Holmes, and Tony Gonzalez. It wasn�t hard for me to cut everyone else.
GWB: That was as simple as my social security plan. Money you can bank on. And I like the sound of the Priest.
[Next up is everybody�s favorite party dude, Owner Will Mitchell. His eyes are dilated and his grinning foolishly. What�s up with that?]
Will Mitchell: Aw, Mosi Tatupu, you are my favorite, man. [WM starts giggling furiously.]
GWB: And what do you have there in your right hand?
WM: A tight stick of Ricky�s favorite Thai�
GWB: Oh man, I�ve been stone cold sober for like 26 days now, equaling a time during my lost years of the early 1970�s when I joined a cult dedicated to sheep. You mind if I take a little puffski?
WM: Only if I can ask you one question�
GWB: Shoot, pardner.
WM: [becoming quite serious all of the sudden] Why have you not been arrested?
GWB: For what?
WM: For your various crimes against humanity?
GWB: I am not sure what you are inferring, but I think you�d better talk to the Veep on this one. He handles all of the issues of substantiation.
WM: Fair enough, but no roach for you. My keepers, besides this MJ, are Rudi Johnson, Deuce McAllister, and Antonio Gates. I feel bad about Andre Johnson � stupid trade. Kevin Jones. Also a little bit Drew, Graham, and Rodney.
GWB: Mr. Mitchell � you have given me plenty of criticism in the past, so I feel it is only my righteous place in history to give you some. Kevin Jones is a stud and your giving him away is anality to my trading Sammy Sosa away when I was owner of the Texas Rangers. Now, give me some of that reefer.
[The President�s security detail tackle Mitchell and takes his joint away and give it to the president, who proceeds to huff and puff it away, much like he did during his time at Yale Business School.]
[Next up is Owner Steve �Einar� Olsen. He is wearing a green sweatshirt, yellow sweatpants, and #4 headband.]
GWB: Who are you supposed to be, a fried spinach and banana sandwich [to which GWB doubles over in guffaws.]
SO: Mr. President! I voted for you and now you don�t have the decency to pay the proper respect to the Green Bay Packers?
GWB: [Still laughing] Oh yeah, those peckers are something� [more laughter, followed up by running around in circles until he is winded.]
SO: And this is the guy I voted for? Next time I am going to vote Green (Bay) Party. My keepers are Ahole �Put it on the� Green, Javon �Post� Walker, and Edgerrin James. I had a hard time letting go of Reggie Wayne, until I remember the older brother in the Wonder Years was named Wayne and I hated that guy.
GWB: Sorry, Einour, those seem like nice, conservative keepers. Thanks for voting for me, by the way. I hope to see you at the family prayer meeting tomorrow. Church is good.
[Olsen shakes his head at was has become of his dope smoking president and enters the Rose Garden. As he leaves the security area, Owner Chad Nuss appears, but seems to be spooked. He keeps twitching around and looking like he has seen a ghost.]
MT: Chad, are you ok? What�s the matter?
Chad Nuss: I am just afraid of getting shot again. Let�s not forget that I barely survived last year�s banquet, (and the story lingered for most of the season until finally petering out) so I don�t want to have any problems this year. Anyway, let me tell you my keepers as soon as I can. I am going with Trent Green, Curtis Martin, and Muhsin Muhammed.
GWB: What�s the name of that last guy?
CN: Muhsin Muhammed?
GWB: Oh man, that doesn�t sound good. Guards, tazer him!
[Nuss uses the skills he learned in high school football and boogie boarding off the coast of Bali to elude the guards, who give up pursuit after a short while. As Nuss leaves, a hush follows over the assemblage and Owner Perry Missner makes his way to the podium.]
Perry Missner: Here you go, George, I brought you some grilled cheese sandwiches, made with three types of bread and four types of cheese.
GWB: Thanks, kindly, Mr. Missner. Do you have anything else to add?
PM: Why, yes, thank you. My keepers for next year will be Willis McGahee, Fred Taylor, and Chad Johnson.
GWB: A loud mouth, a pulled groin, and what choo talking about Willis?
PM: Mr. President! I implore you! Have some dignity!
GWB: Nah, I don�t have to get reelected, so I can act like an ass again. Yahoo!
[Missner is clearly embarrassed by his nation�s leader, but amazingly does not comment further. His exit is followed by Owner Steve Johnson�s appearance.]
Steve Johnson: Steve Johnson in the how-ouse! In the White How-ouse!
GWB: Yeah, howsitgoin�, Steve?
SJ: Not bad, Mr. President, let me ax you sumptin�, So George...so who is really the world leader? Rove or Cheney?
GWB: Oh, they alternate by month.
SJ: I thought so. Now, my keepers are going to be LaDainian Tomlinson, Chris Brown, and Clinton Portis.
GWB: Clinton was a big disappointment to everyone around here.
SJ: To me too, but the choice was pretty easy, but Brady would have been the next in line. A reliable, if not glamorous, QB is a necessity. Now, here�s my brats and Beer/Cheese soup
GWB: Delicious. I have the munchies.
[Steve Johnson enters and is replaced by Owner Randy Chambers.]
Randy Chambers: Mr. Anheiser Bush, let me tell you a story: I once met Al Gore after the Race for the Cure (when he was still Vice President and not the popularly elected president) and I said "Thanks for coming, Al." In hindsight, perhaps I should have said "forget Florida, focus on getting a few more votes in heavily unionized West Virginia, and you can forget about the evil Supreme Court."
GWB: [snoring, then suddenly awake] Am I president yet?
RC: Ugh. I may have to move to China. My keepers are quite familiar � to my system and to the rest of the league. They are Daunte Culpepper, Randy Moss, and Shaun Alexander. Those who are hard to give up included Tiki Barber. Mark Clayton, who I predict will be a keeper for someone 12 months from now. Possibly Jamo.
GWB: Speaking of Jamo, where is the son of a gun?
[Owner Jason Moore approaches carefully. He�s been a champion before and he knows all that it entails.]
Jason Moore: Here, sir. I brought you some apple pie.
GWB: Sorry, Jason, but I don�t care for apples.
JM: So, sorry. My keepers for 2005 are Dominick Davis, Jamal Lewis, and Terrell Owens. Same as last year. It was tough to let the young guns go, like Julius Jones, Larry Johnson.
GWB: But sometimes you have to make the hard decisions. It�s hard work. It is hard work. Now, don�t forget about Poland!
[All of the owners and other guests are now present. The President looks relieved.]
GWB: Am I done here yet? I promised my nephew a round of Mike Tyson�s punchout on my Nintendo machine.
MT: Yes, sir, you can go to the residence and do what you do.
GWB: Thank goodness. But before I go, let me introduce the song styling of the Modano Mi Hermano commissioner Todd Tugwell!!!
[Todd Tugwell sing through a medley of Whitney Houston ballads, hitting high note after glorious high note, sometimes holding these high notes for incredible lengths of time. Upon hitting a particularly piercing high note, glass breaks from a window pane and the security detail swarms and everything shuts down for awhile. Tugwell is unable to finish The Greatest Love of All and chaos ensues for a short time. When Tugwell once again gets his bearings, he introduces our hosts for the ceremonies: James Brown, Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long, and Jimmy Johnson.]
[The Fox Gang begins talking all at the same time, followed by laughter that�s just a little bit too hard, followed by bellows of �Big Boy! Big Boy! Big Boy!� This continues for what seems like forever, until the Fox Gang seems out of breath, which allows JB to start the proceedings.]
JB: Oh man, that was craziness. But we�ve got a job to do. We�ve got to read from these cards.
Terry Bradshaw: [calls like a bird, then mumbles unintelligibly, followed by more bird calls]
Howie Long: But seriously, we are here to introduce some awards for all sorts of categories. These awards are very prestigious-
JB: [interrupting] Check out, big boy! Fitty cent words � how was that again, big boy?!?
HL: Uh, prestigious?
[JB, TB, and JJ all start talking again at the same time, followed again by that same eerie laughter, which HL � who apparently likes his job � joins in. No one in the audience is laughing and, in fact, finds these four rather boring. Several minutes later, when the Fox Gang is all in their afterglow, we can resume. It�s safe to assume that these periods of talking over one another, followed by riotous laughter, will happen periodically, but we don�t need to mention them anymore.]
JB: Oh, brother, that was nuts. Big boy, do you have anything to add?
HL: These awards are very big and we have taken very good seriousness when looking at the results. I am trying to use simple words, so not to set off a riot.
[Howie�s attempt to keep the calm does not work. At the mention of �riot� all calmness is lost and the four a laughing, talking, and jumping around.]
JB: Oh, big boy! Well, let�s send it to our first presenter. Here to present the Sneaky Pete Award for Most Surprising Player is Jennifer Anniston.
Jennifer Anniston: Is everyone surprised? I am making a return to the Modano Mi Hermano stage, since neither my husband nor the other Friends will have me.
DW: [calling from the audience] I love you, Jennifer!
JA: Now, Dan, remember the terms of the restraining order. You are not allowed within 100 feet of me.
[DW hurls a string of curse words that would make a sailor brush. Again, a throng of security personnel swarm at Weitz, who is tazered until there is smoke coming out of his ears.]
JA: Smoking Danny Weitz. Tee hee hee. Well, the voting for this category was as diverse as my acting roles are not. Will Mitchell tabbed Peyton Manning with his first place vote and two Bier runners were given first place ballots. Jerome Bettis by the 44�s and Tiki Barber by the Cookies.
WM: No way I saw any of these 3 putting up those numbers, manning included.
JS: This was an easy choice for me. No way I thought the Bus would be this good. I know you said no voting for players who you've had, but he never played for me, all his scoring came for RC.
Booming Voice on High: IT IS ALLOWED!
DW: [voice cracking and smoke rising] : I predict at least one of next years surprising players will have played for me this year but next year I wont have him and he�ll be a friggin superstar.
JA: Oh, Danny, self-loathing does not become you. The Coroners vote was disallowed because they voted for their own player, Drew Brees. Brees also received enough votes for third place, including first place votes from the Losers and Brents.
SJ: Gates goes along with Brees here, and who thought Tiki would go nuts?
SO: Hey Weasel, how did Curtis do last year?
JA: Now, Einar, that�s not nice. I know you are Dan�s mortal enemy and all � having heard enough about the Einar when we were dating, but you two should really solve your troubles. In second place, was Coroner Keeper Muhsin Muhammed, getting first place votes from the Biers and Cubists.
JM: Gates would have won this award had he not been stuck behind Daniel Graham for so long, costing him valuable stats.
RC: While Muhs and Curtis are old hands, they far exceeded expectations. LJ won the day for the Cubists, after not seeing the field for most of his brief career.
JA: And the winner of this year�s Sneaky Pete Award for Most Surprising Player is another Coroner keeper, Curtis Martin. The self-effacing RB is the second consecutive Coroner to take home this prize, following Anquan Boldin last year. Martin received first place votes from the Envy and Busters, and was mentioned on 7 of the 10 ballots.
Curtis Martin: Winning this award validates my entire career. I�d like to thank the voters, the American public, and the office building where I run up and down the stairs. Coroners in �05!
JB: Whoa, that was crazy with a capital K. Jimmy, any comments on Curtis Martin winning the surprising trophy?
JJ: Now, that was a surprise.
[Raucous laughter, followed by TB ripping off JJ�s toupe, slapping it on his own shiny head, and running around. After 30 seconds, the Fox gang are exhausted.]
JB: It�s a good thing we just ran around because Terry won�t have enough energy to whip off his pants after I announce the presenters for the Mark Pussier Award for Most Disappointing Player. May I present, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie!
Paris Hilton: Terry Bradshaw is so hot.
Nicole Richie: Yeah, like, whatever.
PH: What are we doing here?
NR: I don�t know. Maybe we should make out with some of the owners or some of the players or just each other.
PH: That�s not a bad ide-
[Just as the audience becomes interested, Joe Buck dashes on the stage.]
Joe Buck: This is absolutely disgusting. I have never witnessed such a display of ignorance and depravity. You two should be ashamed of yourself.
TB: [piping in] C�mon Joe, they were just about to get it on!
JBu: Terry, you are absolutely disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself. We must hold ourselves to a higher ethical standard. For goodness sakes, we are on the Fox broadcast network!
NR: Maybe we should make out with the upset dude.
JBu: No thanks, I am happily married to Mrs. Buck. Here�s 10 bucks, why the two of you go by yourselves a burger � that should sustain you for the next week.
[PH and NR shrug, take the money, and go back to the no talent wasteland they came from]
JBu: Now, we can back to the business at hand without any funny business, like that disgusting faux-moon Randy Moss performed a few weeks ago in the stadium of my favorite team. Back to the award handing out before I get on my soap box again. Frankly, I think this award should be renamed something that is more proper, but here we go � the disappointment award received a broad spectrum of votes. Eight different players getting first place votes, including Travis Henry by the Cubists, Kevan Barlow by the Biers, Michael Vick by the Brents (and the Wookies but that was disallowed), the Losers wasting their vote on Brian Urlacher, Brent Farf from the Cookies, and Ahole �Put it on the� Green by the Envy.
DW: I don�t consider these ass wipes disappointing since they all suck monkey balls I nominated them for their pussiness.
SO: Ulracher is over-rated!
SJ: There are a few of my own players (keepers and high picks) that I would like to include but can�t.
RC: This one is such a no brainer that it�s an insult to Barlow to vote for anyone else. Kinda like Peyton Manning and All-Pro QB in the NFL. Fifth pick of the draft?!
Jamo: Ricky Williams was too easy here. Henry gets it for being the worst keeper. The WRs never put it in the endzone on any kind of consistent basis.
JBu: And the winner of this year�s Mark [mumbles something under his breath] Award for Most Disappointing Player is Clinton Portis. Portis just never got it going in Washington, and was named on 4 ballots, including firsts by the 44�s and Coroners.
JS: : I tried my darnedest to deal for Portis this season, repeated offers often including my 1st round pick this coming year, and I think I may be the fortunate one that Steve never accepted.
Clinton Portis: I have had some bad days in my life, but this is undoubtedly the worst. Man, Pussier used to get hurt at almost every faceoff. I promise Mr. Johnson and everyone else in the Brent organization that I will rededicate myself to training this offseason and smash everyone in the mouth in 2005.
JB: Joe Buck clearly belongs on PBS, except when they showed naught bits during Month Python.
TB: I�ve got a python � anybody want to see.
Everyone in unison: NOOOOO!!!!!
JB: From disappointments we go to first year flashes. How about that segue? Here to present the Eric Wunderkind Weinrich award for the Rookie of the Year are Suzanne Somers and Joyce DeWitt.
Suzanne Somers: You know, Joyce, Patrick Duffy and I tried to clean the bathroom last night on Step by Step.
Joyce DeWitt: Is that so? Was it very difficult?
[Just at that moment, the ghost of John Ritter floats in, of course, not having heard the previous part of the conversation.]
SS: Yes, it was very, very hard. Patrick and I went at it all night long. Needless to say, we were both very sweaty and spent by the time it was finished. But, I have to admit, I did have a sense of accomplishment at having done it in just under 8 hours. A new record for Patrick and I.
John Ritter: [appalled] Suzanne, you are a married woman! And not to Patrick Duffy! I can�t believe you would do something like this to your husband!
SS: What are you talking about, John? We did it very quietly and we didn�t even wake up the neighbors.
JR: I can�t believe what I am hearing. Can you believe this, Joyce?
JD: I just can�t believe they finished in less than 8 hours.
JR: 8 hours?!? Are you nuts? I never lasted more than 45 minutes.
SS: I should hire you as my maid if you are so fast.
JR: I thought 45 minutes was quite good.
JD: You must not have gotten deep in the cracks.
JR: Oh, I went deep all right! Cleaned her out good!
SS: Incredible. Not what were we supposed to do? Oh yes, announce the rookie of the year award. Four different players received first place votes and this was the closest vote of the year.
JD: First, the losers (like me in every contest for a man against Chrissy and the other blondie). The Busters abstained because Owner Rich Joseph said he did not know any of the rookies. Ben Roethilberger did almost nothing in two games for the Envy, but was still chosen by the Coroners and Losers. Didn�t they know these are Modano awards and not the NFL awards?
JR: It seems like someone forgets that every year. Willis McGahee was chosen by the Biers.
RC: : I may need a technical ruling on the definition of a wunderkind, but if it�s a guy who suited up for the first time in 2004, then McGahee is the man. Otherwise, Julie is the choice. Of course, if his hair-brained coach had not sat Clayton during the big week 16, this ballot would be reversed. Argh.
Voice on High: That is not allowed!
SS: Kevin Jones received a first place vote from the Cubists, good enough for third place.
JM: Kevin Jones had a good year, very good finish. Lee Evans became a consistent producer (unlike Fitzgerald and Roy Williams), and seemed to get more consistent FFL playing time than Clayton...
JD: Coming in second place, was the Cubists RB Julius Jones. He received three second place votes and two first place votes from the Cookies and Brents.
DW: Julius continues the tradition of great cowboys backs Dorsett, Smith the best pair of running backs any team has ever had. Missner may argue Sayers and Payton but the yardage isn�t even close plus both back were effeminate.
[A throng of security personnel swarm at Weitz, who is tazered until there is smoke coming out of his ears.]
SJ: Roethlisberger is fantasy death.
SS: And the winner of the 2005 Eric Wunderkind Award for Rookie of the Year is Biers WR Michael Clayton. He was mentioned on 6 ballots and received first place votes from the Envy, 44�s, and Wookies. His 20 vote points, eclipsed Julius Jones� by one point.
JS: : It wasn't a great year for rookies but Clayton was steady for RC while Jones only really delivered late. Cooley, while I know it's a no-no voting for him, is a third place vote because I had two Skins in the disappointing category, so please allow his one point.
Voice on High: That is not allowed!
[Thinking he is done with tonight�s performance, John Ritter takes a big swig of his drink.]
JD: Oh, John, you did know that we were talking about cleaning the bathroom, don�t you?
[That was clearly not what John was thinking and he blasts his drink out like a geyser. Perhaps the greatest natural spit take comedian in the world just hit his money shot.]
JR: Of course, 45 minutes� What did you think I was talking about?
[Before the Threes Company girls can answer and anything remotely indecent can occur, Joe Buck sprints onto the stage and gets the actresses plus ghost off the stage.]
JB: That Joe Buck really loves decency. It is a good thing he broadcasts on Fox. Next, we move onto the Don Sweeney Trophy for Best Defensive Player. To present that award, we have a guy who never won it himself, but could of if he had been around, Lawrence Taylor.
Lawrence Taylor: I have done a lot of crazy things in my life. Probably, snorted a barrel of cocaine. Had women of every ethnicity and size. Played football while I was higher than a kite. And many other things that may or may not have involved shotguns and gerbils. While those are not proud moments for me, I have cleaned myself up and this may be the proudest moment of my life. Of the many players mentioned on ballots, five received first place mention. Ronde Barber by the Cookies, Keith Bulluck by the 44�s, and, ugh, Dwight Freeney by the Busters.
DW: Might as well make it a Barber sweep. Urlacher just for his sweet strip of �put it on the green� in week one of the season.
[A throng of security personnel descend on Weitz and give him a suit that protects him against further tazer attacks.]
JS: : It was a coin flip until the final week of the season when Bulluck stepped up huge, Reed performed well, and Edwards watched the game just like I did.
LT: The Edwards that Stoer mentioned came in second place, thanks to first place votes by the Biers, Envy, and Coroners.
RC: They were 1-2-3 in the league in scoring, which makes it a virtual tie. But Edwards put up 18 on me in the week 16 title game, so he gets the tie-breaker
LT: And the winner of this year�s Don Sweeney Trophy for Defensive Player of the Year is Ed Reed of the P-Miss Envy. He becomes the third Envy player to be named for this honor.
JM: Ed Reed was outstanding all year, and a fixture in the Envy lineup. I voted for Brooks and Harrison over Peppers because I thought Peppers was out of the lineup more often.
Ed Reed: My thanks go to Perry Missner for drafting me and playing me, and to Brent Farf for throwing to me.
JB: [Speaking very quickly now] Oh boy, we have very limited time and still the two biggest awards to present. Big boy, how about handing out the La-la-la-lafontaine Award for Most Valuable Player.
HL: I�d be glad to. First, no kudos and many cuts to the owners who once again got this confused with the NFL MVP award, including the Wookies, who nominated Tom Brady, and the Busters who nominated Curtis Martin.
WM: Brady leads an injury riddled team to 14-2 again.
HL: Sorry, Will, you lose. No one was 14-2 in Modano land, were they? Then you had the Losers and the 44�s who foolishly wasted his vote on Brent Farf. What a waste. Owner Randy Chambers voted for Cubist LB Donnie Edwards.
JS: The best player on the best team always gets my vote and this was all T.O. until the poor baby got an ouchie. While Jamo often had an interchangable stable of RB's, Farf was Mr. Consistent for the champ. I guess his Aaron Brooks love affair is finally over.
RC: Ok, so I have a very strong bias that the La-la belongs to a winner. Donnie Edwards was the best at his position, played for the best team and saved his best game for the biggest game of the year. Nuf said.
HL: It came down to two QB�s who had phenomenal seasons. Unfortunately, only one could win and it wasn�t Biers QB Daunte Culpepper. Culpepper was mentioned on 8 ballots, but only Cubists had him as their first place winner.
JM: Daunte was actually more consistent than Manning (especially the last few weeks of the season), piled up stats with and without Moss, and his team was in it until the end. LT and Alexander were incredibly consistent scorers, and Reed was the most consistent player on the surprising Envy. I can�t ignore Manning�s season, but the Ballbuster losing streak cost him.
HL: Despite Moore�s well thought out and highly cogent arguments, it was the Busters Peyton Manning who takes home this year�s La-la-la-laFontaine MVP award. He received first place votes from the Cookies, Losers, Coroners, Envy and Brents. Without him, the Busters probably would not have won more than 3 games. Now, that�s valueable.
DW: 49 TD�s Scoreboard!!!
Peyton Manning: Cut that meat! Cut that meat!
JB: And finally, we come to the moment you�ve all been waiting for. The announcement of the Modano Mi Hermano Owner/Coach of the Year. With all votes counted, we have a majority decision. Receiving votes from the 44�s, Brents, and Cubists was Owner Perry Missner.
JS: While the key to your success was my dropping Willis McGahee, an event that I will forever regret, you fought and scrapped and got screwed by Yahoo and still came within inches of the title. Commendable.
SJ: He was severely handicapped with his keepers but still managed his team to a shot at the prize. He works constantly to better his team, be it thru trades or the wire.
JM: With apologies to RC, who had the highest scoring team, great draft choices (Tiki Barber) and pickups (Michael Clayton)� Perry got screwed by Ricky Williams but still managed to play for the championship in the final week. Best moves: Willis McGahee, Ed Reed.
JB: And the winner of this year�s Modano Mi Hermano Owner/Coach of the Year Award is Jason Moore. For his fourth championship and fourth award. Moore received 7 votes, including the Cookies, Busters, Wookies, Losers, Coroners, Envy, and Biers. Let�s hear some testimonials:
DW: It must suck being so [gosh darn] lucky every goddamn year. May you rot in hell!!!!
WM: Great year � although a struggle again for the Wookies. We�ll be back!
CN: : To win one championship is tough�
RC: Quite frankly, this is a no-brainer. Other than picking Edwards Bulluck and Farf, Jamo probably had the worst draft in the league (see Barlow, Kevan, 1st round, and Suggs, Lee, 2nd round). Jamal Lewis (doing time) missed time, as did Dom Davis, and T.O. got hurt when the season was on the line. Still, the Cubists rose from the dead to keep the trophy in Durham for the 3rd straight year. Hopefully, it will be 4 straight years in 2005. Larry Johnson & Julie Jones were timely pickups and he�s the master of mixing the roster from week-to-week to get the matchups.
[JM leaps around for just a moment, then becomes super wary. He knows that one of the prices of this award is a beating from fellow Owner Perry Missner, but Moore seems to have a plan.]
[Missner comes out of nowhere and rushes Moore, but Moore steps behind his bodyguard for the evening � one inbred hillbilly moron, QB Brent Farf. Missner continues the rush and does one of patent karate kicks to Farf�s nads. No effect � of course. Farf smiles crookedly and prepares to trounce Missner, who he outweighs by at least 50 pounds.]
[All of the sudden a giant crash is heard as Moore smashes an iron chair over Farf�s head. Farf crumples to the ground.]
JM: I�ve been waiting all season to do that.
[Missner, knowing that he can�t administer a beating to this hero of the people, heads up to Moore (stepping on Farf on the way) and raises Moore�s hand in victory for all to see.]
[And another season fades to black.]
--------------------------------------Vacation, Sweet Vacation Press-----------------------------------