Bull City Beer 136 San Francisco Cubists 71 Both Owners Randy Chambers and Jason Moore had been oddly silent on Saturday and through Sunday morning as they waited upon the time to come for their only chance to see each other this year. Both knew that any hope of a championship required a win in Week 10 and both thought they had the charges to get the job done. The snowy-skinned Moore used the more conventional and usually consistent ground attack, but the pale-faced Chambers lit the sky with a previously unheard of air assault. Neither team was hampered by byes or injuries so neither owner had any excuses. Early portions of match had the teams matched fairly evenly. Cocoa-skinned Aaron Brooks ( 7/105) threw for an early TD and 8 while tannish Todd Heap (8/44) hauled in a TD and had a nice 11. While ebony Beer TE Randy McMichael (8/40) counted with 5, it was charcoal-skinned Santana Moss (5/62) who broke the game wide open by doing his impression of Randy by nabbing three TD�s for a league high 26 points. Moss (who was �no flash in the pan, but the unbeatable Han Solo� of the game) was given the gameball by opposing owner Moore, �if only because I have him in my other league.� Like anybody cares who you have on your other fictitious teams� Even though there were a few decent Cubist performances, it wasn�t like Moore was �crossing over to a left-handed layup,� as he said, �Everyone [did not perform as well as I expected]... no one player was horrible, but we needed some leadership.� Perhaps Moore should rely on what he termed as the current pasty president�s best leadership characteristic: �Delegation.� Speaking of which, Chambers had a problem delegating who should receive his team�s game ball, so he gave one to everyone. Even me? Sure, why not. Along with Moss�s domination, came three more TD�s from jet black skinned Daunte Culpepper (6/118) who continued the amazing Beer QB all-pro streak, now at nine. One of Culpepper�s bombs went to dark-skinned Randy Moss (8/109), even though the Vikings really bombed. Moss gave up his number one WR ranking to fellow crow-skinned Torry Holt (8/115) who has four straight all pro performances of his own. Throwing the ball to any Beer receiver is much like Chambers in basketball when he does �anything that does not involve using my right-hand.� Not to be forgotten in this highest score of the season were coal-skinned running back Shaun Alexander (8/92), who chipped in 10, and crazy Caucasian Canadian Mike Vanderjagt (8/90), who nailed another 12 points. By the way, Vanderjagt dressed up as �Princess Leia with her two danish look� for Halloween. Sadly, not everyone could score a TD and blackish Darnerian McCants (4/23) got Chambers� scorn and only scored 2 points, making Chambers comment that �$#$)%!# SOB has no leadership skills whatsoever.� Or was that the president? On the worst loss in franchise history, Moore commented, �I didn't think the Bears could keep scoring points at the same rate, and I didn't think a wide receiver-focused offense could be this consistent. I was wrong.� That�s true, whitey, you were wrong; we all were. Chambers, on his team�s 60th win, not along his chaps but diagnosed the Cubist malaise, �Anytime you beat the 3-time champs, it's a huge win. Torry Holt (5 weeks running) and Santana Moss (4 weeks running) and friends just know how to score touchdowns. We lost when Ronde had four INTs against Aaron Brooks two years ago, so we drafted him with this week in mind. Great spy job. Unfortunately, the Cubists seem to have lost some of their intimidation factor since moving here to Durham, where the fans seem partial to drinking lots of beer and watching football, instead of going to artsy post-modernist art galleries and sipping cheap wine.�
The Ballbusters 102 Syracuse 44�s 83 A few years ago, young light-skinned Cappy Dan ruled wherever he went. Yes, he concentrated on baseball, but when he played, he won. Cappy Dan had a drunken party, a hangover, and a return to glory, which was preempted by a rude Gapshot awakening. Freckled Owner John Stoer has not known a championship in a few years and it does not look like Modano glory is in his sights, but he could get a small bit of revenge by knocking of the league leading Ballbusters and their owner, the whiter than white Rich Joseph. The big gun in the 44 chamber was loaded up again � big afroed African American Donovan �D-Cup� McNabb (6/40) was back where he was supposed to be and he restarted his engines with his first all pro game of the year with 17 points. McNabb�s play reminded Stoer of when he is on the basketball court: �Shooting the 3 when it's game point. Money in the bank, baby.� Coming along with McNabb was raven-skinned Ray Lewis (8/77) who also had his first all pro game with 19 points. See what getting off a sinking ship can do for players? Lewis was given the gameball, but Stoer commented, �Our D still can't hold anyone under 100, but he was an inspired presence.� Speaking of gameballs, semi-sweet chocolate-skinned Marvin �Gameball� Harrison (8/78) had an off game with just a single point. Speaking of preference, Stoer voiced this one: �I really liked that Darth Mol two-handled light saber guy, Chewy's not bad, nor is Han, but in the end there can be only one and the only correct answer is Yoda.� Pitch dark Warrick Dunn (4/18) continued the 44�s poor running with just four points, but Ace of Clubs like Amani Toomer (8/60) and waxen Josh Brown (2/18) played well. Despite the absence of Priest Holmes, man of color, and olive-skinned Tony Gonzalez, the Ballbusters rolled on. TD�s were scored by carbon-based life form Keenan McCardell (3/18), milk chocolate Steve Smith (2/18), dark but fruity Terri Glenn (4/39), and midnight black Freddie Jones (1/8). In face, devil�s food cake-like David Boston (4/24) was the only Ballbuster receiver not to score and received Joseph�s scorn. Joseph, much like our president whose chief skill is that �he doesn�t listen to anyone,� (Stoer agreed with fellow loser this week Moore in that Bush is good at delegating), refused to listen to his many advisors who told him that coconut colored Jeff Garcia was injured. At almost the last minute, Joseph fooled all of the hecklers and inserted pallid Tim Rattay (1/22) in the lineup. Rattay surprised everyone with 22 points and a gameball for his new trophy cabinet. For advice to the young QB, Joseph just said, �speed to the hoop and leave 'em in the dust!� Darth-colored Fred Taylor (8/61) continued to defy all pundits by not injuring his groin. While Payton Manning lacked the rhythm to get into the starting lineup, he wasn�t far from Joseph�s thoughts, �Peyton is pissed that I didn't start him. It will show next week when he kicks ass for us!� On the loss, Stoer commented, �McNabb returned to play a nice game, but the late addition of Tim Rattay by fantasy guru Rich Joseph did us in. You know you are having one of those years when Tim Rattay scores 22 against you. We were hoping to spoil some title hopes, maybe later in the year now.�
Brentful Brents 82 Veaselicious Cookies Presented By Amber 70 Amber has returned! After spending last Sunday at her friend�s house, she decided that she hadn�t had enough of the glamour and glitz that comes from being a Modano Mi Hermano league owner. Actually, Amber was again not present for Sunday�s action as she has to go shopping with Mommy, but she was home on Monday night (and stayed up until at least 9:30 on Tuesday if her email submission was correct) to root on her boys. Amber knew things were not going her team�s way when she saw gingerbread man Marshall Faulk (4/15) and vanilla frosting Doug Jolley (8/16) in the lineup. Faulk supposedly suited up but didn�t play and Jolley was not evident against the Rams D. Their play reminded Ambers of �Darth Maul but I didnt like it when my dad scared the bejesus out of me dressing up like Darth Maul for Halloween.� In fact, the only Cookie to score a TD without Amber was black olive like Chris Chambers (8/63) who scored 9. Thick fog-like David Akers (4/26) and night-time shaded Dexter Jackson (2/16) each contributed 11 points. Each showed leadership skills like George W. Bush, because �he's the president, dah!� When asked about how she would fare as a basketball coach, Amber said, �I dont really play basketball much but my dad talks about this guy named Dean who could make alot of half-court shots and this guy who used soemthing called the big-butt.� Now, who could that be? Without the opposing team�s best weapon present, wonder bread-like Owner Steve Johnson could spread the wealth on his team and let everyone contribute a bit. Johnson noted, �The team [gets the gameball]. No one carried the team but we all pulled our own weight for the win. Portis and Longwell were close.� Yes, colorless Ryan Longwell (8/63) and pitch black Clinton Portis (7/90) each scored about a dozen points. Speaking of Clinton, Johnson commented on Bush�s leadership skills: �His commanding speaking style...no..ahh..His grasp of governmental procedure...uhhhmm...His vast knowledge of...I'll stop myself there....Mmmmm...The way he surrounds himself with competent, incorruptible advisers....again no....I give up, you stumped me.� That wasn�t hard. Portis played like �The Emperor, by far. Maybe Obi- Wan, but the dark one has the real [onions]." Shady Heinz Ward (8/78) and ebon Laverneus Coles (8/57) both snagged TD�s in the same game for the first time in forever and played like Johnson when he hit the hoops court and �played against the 'Killer Bees' [almond colored Peter Wu and peach flavored Nate Knispel]. That way I look like a fricken' giant!� Johnson was somewhat dismayed by brownie like LaDainian Tomlinson, but his comments were edited due to their pejorative nature against the wonderful Chicago Bears. Overall, Johnson commented, �Not our best game, but (almost) everyone contributed and we got a win. Thats all that matters.� Plus, the fact that you left inbred hill billy moron with white skin Brent Farf on the bench. When Amber returned on Monday, she only had unfiltered light Tom Brady (5/78) to coach. Brady did his best with some pretty rainbow TD passes and 23 points. While it wasn�t enough for the win, it was enough for the gameball, �for scoring a lot of points.� While the loss made Amber cry, she was vigilant at the postgame press conference, �My poopy dad is messing up my team and then he tells me to stop talking to you guys something about being embarrassed that I lost to the Maya. He rants and raves that losing is not an option and I should beat this Maya girl up.� Amber then claimed that he should would not be listening to her father from this point on and was sure the team would rebound under her guidance.
Einar�s Lovable Losers 98 Peaks Island Wookies 80 Much has been of white as a lie Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen�s unavailability to the press. Frankly, we just assumed that since he was living America�s armpit, Green Bay, he was just a jerk like everyone else there. Nevertheless, the Einar finally opened up his teleconference line after his Week 9 win and barked a few terse words at the media throng. While his quotes weren�t unforgettable, we�ll take what we can get and add some reportage to spice things up. The Losers had to overcome the bye of their fearless leader coal-skinned Steve �the Air� McNair (who happens to be as wise as Yoda), but did so with earthen colored Jeff Blake (1/17) who whipped up his first all pro performance with 17 points. For his trouble, Blake was given the gameball. One of his TD�s went to onyx-colored Peter Warrick (4/26) who is starting to become a playa. The Loser running attack was in full force Arabian horses Michael Pittman (5/37), Ahole �Put it on the� Green (8/125), and Edgerrin James (6/44) all scored TD�s. Their performance reminded Einar of �putting a three right in the Weasel�s face.� The one guy that the Einar was not satisfied with was tarrish Warren �Fat Ass� Sapp (4/25) who needs another hit of Chad Clifton to restore his powers. Cotton white Owner Will Mitchell saved the majority of his troops for a possible, inspiring Monday night comeback, but did not get much Sunday support. For not playing as well as they could, Mitchell mentioned, �The defense, the receivers, and the QB.� Not a good list to have when you want to win. Without white as a sheet Drew Bledsoe, whiter than a sheet Jon Kitna (1/7) made the start. He was simply not an effective leader, sort of like our president who Mitchell sarcastically said had �honesty and grasp of the issues. Corn-row topped Ricky Williams (8/77) and black as a spike Ike Hilliard (3/10) scored TD�s, but neither had the effect of the one-of-a-kind move like Mitchell�s �Prolonged, slo-mo head fake.� The team did try to rally on Monday, but were not like �Ummm...actually not the wookie...I gotta say Obi Wan. If someone would just shoot that whiny little [wiener] Luke.� Colorful Deion �and I don�t mean Sanders� (3/20) had his best game with 14 points and black panther Daniel Graham (3/10) scored his first Wookie TD. White Christmas Adam Vinatieri (8/57) also had a nice game with 12, but it wasn�t enough as the Wookies fell short by 18 points. Mitchell commented, �What can I say? We put up a game, unlike last week - our score would�ve actually beaten a few teams. We're not walking away, so no coach should take our matchup for granted - our recent performance notwithstanding. The Kitna-Blake matchup was an instant classic, and Blake got the better of it by a full 10. But hey, 7 from Johnny K is 14 more than we had from Drew right?� Olsen said, �Welcome back Mr. "Put it on the Green" Bye Bye Jeff Blake,� then probably disappeared again.
County Coroners 88 P-Miss Envy 67 Lilly white Owner Perry Missner had decided to take out some of his frustrations on his losing season on fellow poor starter milky white Owner Chad Nuss by playing Nuss�s beloved silver and black against him. Oh, how the best laid plans can sometimes come undone. Missner settled in on Sunday to watch his new Raider recruits against the previously hapless Lions and hoped for the best. What he had not counted on was the great loyalty Raiders have for their most beloved owner. The Raider QB, the bronze skinned Marques Crappypopo (1/-1), quickly threw an interception, then ripped his MCL in honor of Nuss. Like Missner, the Raider QB lacked footspeed, but put Missner �with his back to the basket when I can use my butt and I am golden.� Nuss, so honored, gave Tuiasosopo his gameball with the token, �may health prevail for our future QB!� Nuss only played two Raiders of his own. Brown sugary Charlie Garner (6/42) scored a TD and 10 points but brown soury Philip Buchanon (7/18), also known as Darth Raider, scored yet another zip, causing Nuss to grumble, �where the hell is this guy?� Whipped cream QB Kerry Collins (2/45) had his second straight dominating game with 24 points � it was like Nuss �pulling up for a jumper � swoosh!� Tuxedo-like Anquan Boldin (7/28) scored his first team TD and two of the worst statistical players, wedding gown Jim Kleinsasser (5/10) and Monday night chocolate milk Deltha O�Neal (7/18), scored their first TD�s of the season just to add daggers into Missner�s heart. There was one shining light in the dimness of Envydom, Blackberry pie Anthony Thomas (4/46) who churned through the Coroner D for 19 points. Needless to say, he was given the gameball for �� leading the Bears to a win and scoring two TD�s � nice.� Thomas led the team like Bush leads the country by �taking the lead in allowing the rest of us to feel like masters of the English language.� Black bear RB Arlen Harris (2/26) fell off his incredible first week pace and only scored two points. His play was �as disappointing as George Lucas� writing skills in crafting Annikin/Darth Vader to make him a truly interesting character. So, I go to the source of all wisdom � Yoda.� Even Master Yoda would not have helped the Envy in this week as all of the new players did not score TD�s. Missner was left to comment, �I got what I deserved for being so dastardly � never again. From now on, I will focus inward and not worry about the other team. However, the win can�t be totally satisfying for Chad because he is going to have to watch a player whose name I can�t even mention without giggling, followed by dim staring: Rick Mirer.� Nuss was reminded of Mirer when he looked down and said, �Try to stay motivated at the bottom of the league, ok?�
Week 10 previews - The second and third place teams face off in a match to see who will be able to stay near enough to the Ballbusters to remain in the championship hunt. Owner Randy Chambers and his Beers are on a rampage having scored 269 points in the last two weeks and blowing out their last three opponents. He gets his first chance at revenging his team�s first loss of the season, a 114-100.5 loss, to the Brents when they tied the series at 4-4. Chambers has put WR Eric Moulds and DB Antoine Winfield back in the lineup. Owner Steve Johnson will be without RB Clinton Portis, on the bye, but has Reggie Wayne and Anthony Brecht are in the lineup. Johnson commented, �A big game. I will have to score over a hundred again to have any chance, but he's got the matchups on me.� Chambers may have the matchups, but he commented, �This is a huge two-week stretch for da Beers. 7 wins in a row is meaningless if we cannot avenge our first two losses. The road to the title starts this week!!� Speaking of revenge, the top-rated Ballbusters get to take on the only team that beat them, the Veaselicious Cookies, now under management by Amber. Amber commented, �We started the naughty word guys team's losing streak last time and were going to see to it that we do it again or my name isn�t Amber LaDawn Weitz! Oh yeah, my dad just came in the room and mumbled something about einar being in last place in fantasy basketball, is that were this Dean and big butt guy are?� Eh? Quincy Carter is back in the lineup for the team that beat the Ballbusters 76-60 in Week 1 and Justin McCareins makes his league debut. A revved up Payton Manning makes his return to the Buster lineup along with Priest Holmes, Tony Gonzalez, and London Fletcher � whew. Owner Rich Joseph commented, �The Mad Dogs aren't going to like having their balls busted instead of licked!� Done and done. The fourth place Einar�s Lovable Losers take on the upstart non-Raiderlicious County Coroners, who have now won two in a row over the other dregs of the league. Owner Chad Nuss deemed his team �blood thirsty� and would love another crack at QB Steve McNair. The Coroners lost in Week 1, 79-69, and will be without their rock Deltha O�Neal who is on the bye. The Losers hold a 4-3 series advantage and welcome back the aforementioned McNair back in the lineup along with Isaac Bruce. The struggling San Francisco Cubists take their running attack to face long time nemesis Owner Perry Missner and his league worst P-Miss Envy, who hold a 5-4 series advantage. The Cubists have not named replacements for Aaron Brooks and Terrell Owens, who are on the bye, but let us suggest Chris Chandler and Dez White. He could do worse, even though he won the Week 1 matchup going away, 82-45. Owner Jason Moore commented, �It's going to be tough for the team to rebound after such a disappointing performance.� Missner, for her part, is embracing a new philosophy: introspection, �For once, I like the way my lineup stacks up. I am not predicting a victory since the competition, Jamo and his Cubists, is fierce, but I have some decent runners lined up. Perhaps a few TD�s would be nice.� Those �decent� runners include Michael Bennett and James Jackson. Brad Johnson returns to the lineup and Scott Fujita makes his league debut. Two struggling teams from New England face off as the Wookies battle the 44�s. The Wookies won a defensive struggle in Week 1, 56-51 and lead the series 5-3. Owner Will Mitchell has made wholesale changes to his not performing lineup. Drew Bledsoe is back but he gets to throw at a list of new receivers, Andre Davis, Dante Hall, and the biggest surprise of them all, Justin Gage. Great move, Mr. Mitchell! Mitchell commented, �Well, they popped my man Green, and for smoking the green of all things. Now drunk driving is bad and should be punished, but smoking pot? C'mon, who still believes that should be illegal? We'll be looking to make some further adjustments, including giving William his day off and dumping that slack ass Gardner. But hey, did you see Grambo with the hands? Leading the Pats to 2 HUGE road wins? Nice.� Owner John Stoer returns some players to the lineup with Eddie George and Zach Thomas along with L.J. Smith who did very little in Envy debut in Weeks 1-2. Stoer commented, �The Wookies are 3-6 just like us so maybe the winner of this game can get some momentum and start surprising some people in the 2nd half. For us that starts on D. We need to hold someone under 100 because we aren't going to score that many.�
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