County Coroners 79 Peaks Island Wookies 29 In life, when you are trying to accomplish something difficult, you can be hard headed and try to get it done with the same method that had always worked before, or you can try to look for news paths to glory. What had not worked for Owner Chad Nuss and his County Coroners in the first seven weeks of the season was playing a lineup of his favorite Oakland Raiders, last year�s AFC Super Bowl representative. Sadly, the turn of the football calendar proved to be an event that the Raiders have been unable to overcome. With Oakland on the bye in Week 8, Nuss had to come up with a new plan. No one had heard a peep from him all week until just before the bell rang to signal gametime on Sunday morning, a shiny new Coroner lineup was announced � sans non-playing Raiders. There were Jets, Giants, Lions, Bears, and Patriots among the happy-to-be-playing faces. The new atmosphere was most evident in the play of two Coroners that have been on the team all season: QB Kerry Collins (1/21) and RB Stephen Davis (6/72). The two combined for 45 points � enough for the win by themselves � and Nuss gave the gameball to Davis for his continued strong efforts. Martin Gramatica (7/36) made some noise with 11 points and celebrated each point like Nuss did when �as strong safety, my High School football team won the state championship and were #1 in the nation.� Rookie DB Charles Tillman (1/12) debuted with a number of encores. While Nuss refused to single out anyone who didn�t perform to expectations (�I have no idea, I'm 1-7�), WR Anquan Bolden�s (6/19) fall from grace had Nuss reminded of Johnny Depp, who should never have left Jumpstreet. As exciting as that first win is for the team that has endured a long losing streak, some poor schmoe must be on the other side to feel the sting of embarrassing defeat. In this case, that team must be the Peaks Island Wookies and Owner Will Mitchell. The Wookies have tasted the wrong end of the stick before from the Coroners, actually being blown out by them three times in their history, but the 2003 edition might have been the most painful. The Drew-Double-Back-Attack never got rolling against the Coroner D (led by Tillman, by the way). Deuce McAlister (8/81) led the trio with just five points and Drew Bledsoe (8/61) cost his team 7 points � a league worst. In terms of gameball, Mitchell gave the ball to �Nobody. No one on this team deserves a #$%#$%# game ball.� And the previously placid Mitchell became enraged when he was asked who didn�t perform to expectations (although the question is asked every week). �That is an insulting question!� screamed Mitchell at the cowering press member. Mitchell said his team reminded him of �all of those idiots in reality TV. We are pathetic,� he continued, �much like George W. Bush. If I had a bobblehead of that guy, I would be throwing stuff at it right now.� The one point that Mitchell could take a small bit of solace on was the upturn in tight end play � Marcus Pollard (4/12) scored the first Wookie TE TD of the season and young Daniel �Grambo� Graham had 7 points from the bench. Nevertheless, a disconsolate Mitchell wallowed, �This has gone from bad to worse...we're disgusted up and down the locker room and into the owner manager booth...I might fire myself. What was it the press was saying last week...playing the coroners with the raiders on a bye is a joke...we are now officially the laughing stock of this venerable league.� Yet, the Wookies are not in last place, a position the Coroners now share with the Envy. A contemplative Nuss commented on the win, �No Raiders....hmmmm and a win....hmmmmm.�
Bull City Beers 133 P-Miss Envy 77 �When it rains, it pours� is usually a statement when things go bad to worse, but the Bull City Beers put a positive spin on even the most negative adages. In the last five weeks, the Beers have been pouring down TD�s like a hurricane and the winning margins are growing like they pituitary gland problems. While like any rain shower, one day the torrent will end, in Week 8 against the overmatched P-Miss Envy, the Beers enjoyed the drenching. Owner Randy Chambers has enjoyed a strong passing and receiving game all season, but not to be overlooked is the steady running of Shaun Alexander (7/82) who had another 14 points and did not allow the Envy D to tee off on passing game. The Beer passing game was hitting on all cylinders as Daunte Culpepper (5/93) used all of his receivers and ran the Beer QB all pro streak to an unprecedented 8 games. As usual, Culpepper�s favorite target was WR Randy Moss (7/99) who had a couple of TD�s and 20 points. While Chambers doesn�t own any bobbleheads yet, �if I did, it would have to be Culpepper and Moss.� Yet the gameball went to another green item, Santana Moss (4/27) who hauled in a TD and is starting to look like a player after getting cut by the Envy earlier in the season due to case of Testaverdeitis. Torry Holt (6/96) and Randy McMichael (7/35) also caught TD balls and Mike Vanderjagt (7/78) continued to dominate the league�s kicking ranks. Ronde Barber (6/67.5) also continued his mastery of the DB position with an amazing third all pro performance already. The TD onslaught reminded Chambers of �John Riggins, January 1983 �Ron may be president, but for a day, I am king!�� and he said, �How can you criticize your team when they score 133 points, and everyone contributes at least seven!� Except for Eric Moulds (6/42) as the former-Envy member took pity on his old team and dropped several catchable TD balls. Moulds, being a Bill, reminded Chambers of someone who definitely doesn�t deserve to be a celebrity: �Paul McGuire? I tell you what, this guy is some kinda chump.� We�re not sure if he would qualify as a celebrity, but Chambers also thinks that Britney Spears is over-rated � or was that over-inflated. While burial by TD seemed a distinct possibility, Owner Perry Missner had his team gunning for the upset early on. Coming out of the back pages, RB Arlen Harris (1/24) put on a performance of the likes that those still left in P-Miss country have not seen this year. Harris scored three times and was given the gameball and caused Missner to comment, �� it may only be for one week, but what a week it was.� Upon scoring his third TD, the Envy mobbed Harris in a scene reminiscent of �the Cubs clinching the NL East in 1984 at Three Rivers Stadium � the elderly Jim Frey came running out of the dugout to jump into the pile � and, of course, 1985, Mike Ditka and Buddy Ryan are carried off the field. Ah yes.� QB Brad Johnson (3/41) nudged the Envy QB high into double digits and hit the unrelated but similar looking WR Chad Johnson (7/58) for a TD. Ray Lewis (7/58), in his last game with the Envy, departed with 11 points and Keith Bulluck (8/69), still the league�s top defensive point maker, scored 5. There were a few lowlights on the Envy side. Notably, Kevan Barlow (1/-1) jumped off the scrap heap and into the crapper with a negative performance, causing Missner to comment, �now I know why I called you the perpetual sleeper. Craphead.� Former Beer Jabar Gaffney (4/14) did not shock his old team and Antonio Bryant (3/7) and Dallas Clark (5/11) left their great potential untapped and were summarily dismissed. The only joy that Missner had during the weekend was playing with his �Kobe Bryant bobblehead from Nutella. He�s funny � he says, �Don�t disrespect Kobe�s game.� �This is my team � ask Geery.� And �I did what?�� Overall, Missner commented, �As we expected, we were slaughtered by a better team that seems to rack up TD after TD each week. I would be surprised if the Beer TD torrent continued, but I am not putting anything past the craftiness of Randy Chambers. We didn�t play awfully, but I am worried that so many points came from a one time starter.� Chambers also noted Harris� performance, �My hat is off to Perry. For a moment, I thought our streak would be dashed on the rocks of Arlen Harris!? But our guys played their best game of the year. Every offensive guy but the new guy, who was a bit rusty, got a TD, VJagt got three FGs and the defense contributed 7 or more points apiece.�
San Francisco Cubists 105 Veaselicious Cookies Presented by Amber (?) 52 As we all know, there is a natural order to all things in the universe. The laws of gravity generally apply. Bigger animals generally eat smaller animals. And so forth, and so on. While few of us believe that these natural laws apply to fantasy football, the order seemed to be in place as the Cubists started their run toward the top by defeating the suddenly sagging Cookies. One thing that former Owner Dan Weitz did not count on was that his daughter would lose a bit of interest in the fantasy football team if they didn�t win each and every week. As Weitz sat in his well-grooved area of the couch for a Sunday of Dan Dierdorf�s inane rambling and Coors Light commercials, he noticed that current team Owner Amber Weitz was nowhere to be found. �How unusual,� thought Weitz, �the past few Sundays, Amber has been right by my side, thumbing through the playbook, and shouting at Marshall Faulk to heal faster.� Upon a few familial inquiries, Weitz learned that his daughter had �gone out to play with her friends.� The quick-to-anger Weitz blew a gasket upon hearing the news, but when his anger subsided, he knew that he would have to manage his team. As he looked down the roster, only a few of the names were familiar to him. �I remember Travis Henry (7/85),� he mused, �but Schobel (0/0), what the hell is a Schobel. It ain�t a Schwebke, is it?� Weitz�s lack of knowledge of his roster and the new play calling system left the team without much direction and that showed as the Cookies could neither score nor stop the Cubists from scoring. Owner Jason Moore was happy to take advantage of the confusion as he called for the off tackle play an unprecedented 23 times in a row. The results were encouraging as the Cubists ground attack marched through the middle for 4 TD�s. Dominick Davis (2/29), the newest of the Cubist RB�s, led the team with 17 points and Jamal Lewis (7/96) had his third all pro game with 15. Tiki Barber (7/58) also scored a TD and Marcel Shipp (2/18) had 11 points all on yards. QB Aaron Brooks (6/97) ended his all pro streak at two, but had 12 points. Brooks earned a Calvin (from Calvin and Hobbes) bobblehead for his continued double digit play. The Cubist receiving game has not shown up in full force yet as Terrell Owens (8/64) and Todd Heap (6/33) scored a pair of threes. They were almost undeserving of acclaim as Courtney Love. Moore, while pleased by the win, would not allow his team to rush the field like it was the �U.S. hockey win over Russia (I know it was the semis, but so what.)� He commented further, �: I loved the balance in our rushing attack. We need more production from T.O. and the passing game, but this was a good performance.� By the end of the game, Amber still had not come home, but Weitz was sure he was going to �ground her for life this time,� whenever she did.
Brentful Brents 105 Syracuse 44�s 71 The lack of a running game can be a very frustrating thing. Just ask Owner John Stoer, whose team, the Syracuse 44�s, have received by far the worst production from the RB slot (2.63 ppg) in the league. In Week 8, Stoer thought he might have a runner or two to score some close TD�s, but either the runners he acquires or the not-so-steady offensive line are causing the running plays to crumple faster than Antonio Chatman. Brian Westbrook (1/4) was able to score 4 points before getting injured, but Stoer expressed extreme scorn with Jerome Bettis (2/-1) who he called, �The "Big Fat [Broken Down]" Bus, once again. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.� Stoer thought that Bettis deserved a roster spot as much as �people like Charles Manson or Ted Bundy deserve their celebrity status. Serial killers do not deserve A&E biographies or movie deals.� The young 44 defensive flex was also poor as the three rookies or second year players combined for 12 points. In his last start before bowing to D-Cup, QB Matt �Grab a beer and take a seat� Hasselbeck (4/54) threw for three TD�s and 21 points. He earned the gameball for �his outstanding play and leadership the first 8 weeks: and set a team QB high that is sure to be broken now that Donovan McNabb is back and gets to wear his familiar uniform. Upon scoring for the third and final time, the bald-headed Hasslebeck, �jumped into the air and ripped of his shirt like a male version of Brandy Chastain.� Hasselbeck even revealed the black sports bra. Jeremy Shockey (4/19) played his last game for the 44�s and scored 5 points, then said he was off to �do Elizabeth Hurley � or at least a bobblehead of her � rrrgrgrg�� When it comes to a running attack, Stoer could take a few notes from Owner Steve Johnson. On this Sunday, however, Johnson had his charges use the run to set up the pass and the young 44 defenders bit time after time on the play actions passes set up by Marc Bulger�s (5/100) brilliant fakes. You see, there is a difference between a play action fake that does something and weak fake pass after a handoff that is just lame. Bulger scored 18 for his fourth all pro game, but the gameball went to �all of the WRs! Way to come alive. Props to Reggie Wayne (1/18) for stealing all of Harrison's points. Even Mikhael Ricks (1/7) came through, but it was only the Bears [in a losing effort].� Wayne and Ricks were supplemented by Heinz Ward (7/68) who regained his early season form with 19 points. LaDainian Tomlinson (7/90) led the rest of the team with 15. The replacement kicker, Billy Cundiff (0/0), whose name has been described as the easiest to mock, �shanked his only opportunity, but what do you expect from a scrub.� As a parting gift, Cundiff was given a �Katherine Hepburn bobblehead; the On Golden Pond addition. Just give her head a tap and it�s like she�s in the room.� The Brent win set off what Johnson deemed as his favorite post-championship ritual, �the hometown riot.� When the three Brents had been calmed, Johnson commented, �Stoer, feel free to stack against the run. I can just beat you through the air.� Stoer noted, �The Movements [sic Brents] are a loaded team. We are fortunate to share the same league with them. I tip my hat to Mr. Johnson for assembling a dynamic and powerful Modano force.�
The Ballbusters 108 Einar�s Lovable Losers 76 Not many of the league members, fans, or officials are aware of it, but there is a struggle going on between the reporters� guild and the upper representatives of the Ballbusters hierarchy. Never before has a team been so successful yet so unwilling to let the media into the lockerroom to ask a few questions. Yes, you could mention that it has been this way for Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen for years as he neglected the media only to have his team spun negatively week after week. But, frankly, the Einar, when he did speak, had little of interest to say. In this way, the Einar is much like many of the color commentators for football games. For example, this weekend people had the displeasure of listening to Troy Aikman and Cris Collinsworth. Sadly, Collinsworth has caught McGuirecitis, starting many of his sentences with �I�ll tell you.� But we have to go even lower on the intelligence chain to find where Aikman lurks. Rather than starting his sentences with �I�ll tell you what,� Aikman routinely starting speaking by uttering, �Yeah,� then his point about which team had the momentum. If you ever get the urge, try starting all of your sentences with �Yeah� and see if you don�t sound mentally deficient. Yet, these people are paid to talk to a national audience. Ye gods. Do we really need ex-football players to provide analysis to football games? Clearly, they did not need to go to many classes when they �attended� their universities. Why not try a professional broadcaster with a love for the sport as the commentator? What�s the worst that could happen? We�re sure the ratings would not go down as who turns on the game based on the commentator? In any case, Owner Rich Joseph has been dodging the media, but we put out this plea to him or his representatives if they are reading this. Open the lockerroom, so we, the beloved media, can give your team the due congratulations they deserve for pounding the rest of the Modano league into near submission, which is what happened once again in Week 8. The Ballbusters used the old P-man formula of Peyton Manning (4/85) and Priest Holmes (8/135) with a sprinkling of Tony Gonzalez (8/48). Those three combined for 60 points and put the Einar on his heels. The Losers endured Steve �Air� McNair�s (7/122) first off game (only 9 points) and were without their second leading scorer Ahole �Put it on the� Green due to the bye. Joe Horn (6/52) had a nice game with 16 and Matt Stover (2/18) took over the kicking duties in a big way with 14. Yet, it was the Busters 5th consecutive 100+ game (as a result of Jason Taylor�s (4/38) on Monday night) that helped them along to their 7th straight win, equally the longest winning streak since the Cubists won 8 in a row in 2000. Along with the Beers, the Busters continue to go into unchartered waters as far as breaking the century mark. How long will it continue? Perhaps Joseph will let us know what he has in mind�
Week 9 previews - In the next two weeks, Owner Rich Joseph will face two challenges that he has often succumbed to. In Week 10, The Ballbusters will play Cookies, the only team to beat them heretofore. This week, Joseph takes only old fantasy baseball rival, Owner John Stoer, in their first and only meeting of the season. Based on team averages, the game would not be close, but the Busters are at a disadvantage on several fronts. Most notably, with the Chiefs on the bye, Priest Holmes and Tony Gonzalez will be sitting this one out. Yes, they are replaced by Fred Taylor and Freddie Jones but the difference could be a steep one. Joseph has also replaced London Fletcher with Dat Nguyen in his season debut, but still has not named a replacement for Syracuse grad K Gary Anderson. Another problem for Joseph will be the emotional return of QB Donovan McNabb to the 44 fold. Stoer proclaimed, �As a way of atoning to our long suffering, loyal fans, this week will be Free Beer Week at the Dome. In combination with the return of Donovan �Goddamn It's Good To Be Home� McNabb (aka D-Cup), we expect the resulting uproar to be a deafening enough home-field advantage to keep us within 50 of the Ballbusters.� Stoer will also introduce the beer swilling 44 horde to Ray Lewis (aka �the toughest man in the NFL� as named by Sporting News) and Joe Jurevicius. Warrick Dunn will try to improve the league�s worst RB average. The only team within a game of the Busters, the Bull City Beers, face an enormous challenge in the also reheated Cubists. If this game follows the Cubists� season pattern, they will win because they won their first three, lost three, and now have won two in a row. Owner Jason Moore, whose team leads the series 6-4, noted, �We only get one shot at the defending champions this year. If we're going to have any shot at catching the Bears and Priest Holmeses (I mean Ballbusters), we need this game.� Good points, all. Moore hasn�t made any changes to his lineup and he probably doesn�t need to. Chambers, who has seen past championships die at the feet of the Cubists, has reinserted Redskins Darnerian McCants and Jeremiah Trotter back into the lineup. Chambers commented, �Hopefully we can sustain our momentum against the Cubists. They are still the measuring stick in this league. Both teams are coming off big performances, so it will be another great test for us.� The next most interesting matchup is actually the dregs of the league � the pair of 1-7 teams, the Envy and Coroners. For reasons only known to him and his inner sanctum, Owner Perry Missner has been ranting all week about his blood feud with the Coroners. He sounded slightly off kilter when he said, �We are going for blood � this is one that we can win, so I have signed up Popo and Teyo to tear the heart out the Coroners. Just win, baby.� This probably won�t end well for the Envy. Last week�s hero, Arlen Harris, will probably on the bench, so Missner is trying all sorts of new players � Kevin Faulk, Chris Draft, and Corey Chavous are all coming off the scrap heap. Andre Johnson and Jeremy Shockey just arrived via trades. But the two most ominous signs of the Envy apocalypse are QB Marques Tuiasosopo and TE Teyo Johnson, who are in the lineup mostly for spite. Owner Chad Nuss made some early week trade inquiries for his two beloved Raiders being held hostage, but they were turned back in an almost unimaginable rude manner. Nuss, whose team leads the series 6-4, is at his own crossroads, as he summed up, �To play the Raiders or not play the Raiders, that is the question.� At this point, he has just Charlie Garner in the lineup but there are plenty of other Oakland players on the Coroner bench at Nuss�s beckon call. Considering that the Coroners won in impressive fashion without any Raiders last week, it seems likely his decision is made. Two teams reeling from tough losses are the Losers and the Wookies. Some thought that Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen would have his team in championship contention toward the end of the season, but the Losers are drifting away in a two game losing streak. While the Losers, who lead the series 4-2, welcome back Ahole Green and Booger Frankfurter, Steve �Air� McNair will be on the bye and is replaced by, eek, Jeff Blake. Keith Brooking also makes a questionable return from injury. The Wookies will also be without their main QB, Drew Bledsoe, but considering how the big guy fared in Week 8 that may not be such a bad thing. Bledsoe is replaced by Jon Kitna. Yes, folks, it�s Blake vs. Kitna. Mitchell noted sourly, �Definitely looking to get some of our younger guys some playing time and start working on 04...expect us to be led by Kitna and Grambo.� Ike Hilliard and Michael Strahan also return to the lineup after big Week 8 performances from the bench. Finally, there is the matter of Oshkosh high school pride on the line yet again as North faces West. While Oshkosh West may have North trumped these days in academics, North rules the gridiron. Unfortunately, there is some confusion in the Cookie court. The Cookies will be without Travis Henry, Derrick Mason, and Morten Andersen, who are all on the bye, but they may be without Amber as well. Perhaps the finest fantasy football mind in the league is taking her time trying to decide whether she wants to continue to manage the franchise or return to third grade and �be a normal kid.� This confusion did stop Owner Johnson from taunting, �Go ahead and start Faulk. It wont matter, little girl, little girl.� The Brents, who hold a 6-2 series advantage, return Laverneus Coles to the lineup along with Ryan Longshanks and Dick Barnett. How is it so many Packers are named Dick? Commenting on league-wide matters, Johnson rooted, �Go 44's! It�s all on you!�
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