Brentful Brents 92 Einar’s Lovable Losers 78 The great Bobby “the Brain” Heenan often remarked, “Show me a friend in a need, and I’ll show you a pest.” That must have been close to the feeling that Owner Steve Johnson had in his feelings of how to deal with his brother in arms, Owner Steve “the Einar” Olsen. Johnson had his own team to think about, but at the same time, having a representative of the all-too-large Packer family in first place had its niceties. Nevertheless, Johnson had harbored the feelings of swindledness in that Olsen had somehow convinced the Brents to give up Ahole “Put it on the” Green (7/107), who had flashed out to a lead in the total points standings. Using Green as a crutch, Johnson fired up his troops to overcome the league’s top two scorers for the win. The Brents used their own potent one-two punch of Marc Bulger (4/82) and LaDainian Tomlinson (6/75) to combine for 41 points to trump Green (10 pts and a fumble) and Steve “Air” McNair (6/113), the league’s leading scorer now, who had 20 points. The Losers also received fine performances from Joe Horn (5/56), Isaac Bruce (4/21), and Warren Sapp (2/18) who blocked a kick with his big, fat ass. The Loser OF has now scored over 30 points for the last three weeks. Bulger and LT, who was given the gameball for “proving something against his old team,” were supplemented by Clinton Portis (5/70), who had his third allpro game with 15, and “Eanie Meanie, Mighty” Moe Williams (5/47), who had 11 points. The Brent receiving game, which was strong in the early season, has completely wilted. Alge “Crumbler” (7/33) has fallen faster than the Falcons. Ashley “Le-letdown” was nowhere to be seen and Laverneus Coles (7/50) hasn’t seen a TD since first term of the Clinton Administration (which Johnson fondly remembers for the times he was “getting a ton of free BBQ supplies from the dorms and grilling all summer.”) Their performance was described by Johnson, thusly: “worse than crap from a dead guy.” The Brent defense did not distinguish itself either with their season low of 11 points. Fortunately, not all of the low lights came from the Brent side. The Losers were hampered by their Bay players, including starting WR Keyshawn Johnson (4/12), TE Bubba Franks (7/23) and K Martin Gramatica (6/25), who combined for two points. Gramatica, who was chiefly to blame for the Losers having the least amount of K points in the league, was later released and is now swimming in the same pool as his brother Bill. Johnson commented on the victory, “Lets hear it for my big 3. All of them came through to get me back on the right track.” Yes, Johnson now finds his team on the plus side of .500 and only two games out of first place.
Bull City Beers 124 County Coroners 27 The beginning of the season has not been a happy time for Owner Chad Nuss and his County Coroners. Aside from a 95 point uprising in Week 2, the team’s effort has been lackadaisical and no one is feeling lower than Nuss himself. Beat writers have pointed to Nuss perhaps spreading himself a bit thin in areas that do not relate to his beloved team, but Nuss will not hear of it. Until Week 7, he had put claim to the Coroners doing the best they can and not catching their fair share of breaks. After Week 7, however, it is clear that the excuses must stop. Something must be done before the Coroners find themselves relegated to the bundesleague. While a team based on Oakland Raiders may have made waves in the past, the Raiders can no longer be counted on to produce bunches of points on their own. This fact, along with the upcoming bye, may force Nuss to diversify his portfolio. Until then, his team’s performance was best summed up by opposing Owner Randy Chambers, who held his nose, fanned his face, and claimed with utmost truth, “The Coroners locker room after this week's game is about the worst thing I have ever smelled.” Yes, friends, the season hit a new low for the Coroners as they were blown out in record fashion. The team had no TD’s and was led by Charlie Garner (4/26) who managed 6 points. Among the ugliness, the normally consistent Stephen Davis (5/48) was held to 1, Doug “Not So” Jolley (7/16) is by far the worst player to start all seven games, and Deltha O’Neal doesn’t even start for the Broncos anymore. It’s Ouaou all over again. The saddest performance came from Rich Gannon (7/62) who endured a personal nightmare by scoring -2 and getting hurt. The elderly Gannon may never come back. Meanwhile, the Beers just kept frosting along. The Beers, along with the Ballbusters, became the first teams in league history to score 100+ points in four straight weeks. Daunte "Chubby Chubby" Culpepper (4/76) returned to the starting lineup with 21 points and was given the gameball for getting the Beers’ their 7th straight all pro QB performance. Culpepper also scored all pro numbers in Week 17 last year (but not Week 16), so the 2-year streak is at 8. The running game was apparent with Shaun Alexander (6/68) being regularly fed by the Walrus. Randy “Not the Coach” McMichael (6/28) continued his strong play of late with 6 points. The Beers now boast the top two WR’s in the league in Torry Holt (6/79) and Randy “Still Not the Coach” Moss (6/79), who combined for 26 more points. The play of Ronde Barber (5/49), who had his second all pro game with 17, reminded Chambers of a kinder, simpler time when “The audio book woman yelled "pickup!!" at the top of her lungs and Sto boogied down at Lulu's.” Overall, Chambers seemed to be satisfied by the 97 point win (which eclipsed the Cookies 85 point demolishment of the Envy just one year ago), “Did I mention our depth yet? This team continues to dig deep. This week, Santana and Wilkins stepped to the fore, while Daunte kept the QB position on a roll. It is sad to see how the County has fallen so far so fast. We use to worry about this annual foray, but the Raiders just reek.”
San Francisco Cubists 130 Syracuse 44’s 46 Jamo Week – the two words that stir a great mix of emotions within 44 fans. Some have come to dread the seemingly annual pasting by the league’s elite team, while others – of more feisty stock – look as the game as a possible stepping stone to greater things. This year, the pessimists took the cake (but did not eat it because of all of those polyunsaturated fats) as the 44’s came out flat, continued to be flat, and ended up pancake-like under the steamroller that suddenly became the Cubists. Owner Jason Moore, needing to fire up his troops who had dropped three in a row after winning the season’s first three, went on a ground assault. Dipping into his deep cache of runners, Moore unearthed Dominick Davis (1/12) and Troy Hambrick (3/25), who ran like they were playing “Beer hockey with the Sega Genesis.” Returning starters Jamal Lewis (6/81) and Tiki Barber (6/44) also played well. With all of the emphasis on the run, the 44’s brought their safety into the box, which Aaron Brooks (5/85) and Terrell Owens (7/61) (and garnered Brooks the gameball) both exploited for all pro games and enough points to combine for as many as the 44’s scored as a team. For the 44’s, play was alternately described by Moore as “Grass clippings, spoiled meat, and maggots, stewed in a trashcan for one week in the summer Washington sun” or by Owner John Stoer as “My own vomit. A toxic, bilious odor that sadly makes me want to throw up again.” The 44’s received one TD, from Matt Hasselbeck (3/33), but play was so lethargic that Stoer decided to keep the gameball for himself, “If anyone deserved one, I'd hand it out, but we all sucked.” His disappointment, however, did not end with his players as he cast scorn on “Everyone. Starting with myself and down through the organization to the players, we all bit the big one.” The 44’s did seem to be missing something, and it could have been the sparkling presence of WR Marvin “Gameball” Harrison, who was out on the bye. His replacement, Johnny Morton (1/1), scored a point on Monday night when the team needed 85. Not quite there. Ladell Betts (2/5) inaugurated his 44 season with a naught and John Hall (4/33) ended his furious run with a singleton. Dexter Coakley (5/28) led the team with 11 points as the team notched lows in offensive flex, kicker, wide receiver, and overall scoring. A frustrated Stoer began banging his head on the wall until it felt like there was a rift in the time-space continuum and he had traveled 10 years into the past, when he would make his way in the late morning time down to the “Tune-In, perhaps the finest culinary establishment this side of Chucks and home of the lunch-time pitcher and that great Johnny Cash song, Ring of Fire. Played over and over and over....” In the present, Stoer said, “[Perform perverse sexual acts], Jamo and the triple digit horse he rode in on.” Fortunately, Moore turned a deaf ear to such desperations and said, “We were very fortunate to escape Marvin this weekend. I'm sure his presence would have galvanized the 44s.”
Veaselicious Cookies Presented by Amber 89 P-Miss Envy 54 When Owner Dan Weitz was in charge of the Cookies, one could expect a few things: a good effort by a team of overachievers, some nonsense about the Einar, and endless rantings about some overrated Cardinal running back. Now that he has been taken away and the team is totally in his daughter Amber’s control, there is very little ranting (except when “my Dad farts - I think something died in his butt”) and players play at or above their generally regarded level. In Week 7, Amber used two powerful performances to wipe the undermanned P-Miss Envy from the map. For Owner Perry Missner, this season has not gone as expected. Missner expected his high price defense and big name QB to rack up tackles and TD’s, respectively, and if not notch a few wins, at least be competitive. The team has only been competitive when other team’s played down to their level and it doesn’t look like there is going to be a savior for this season any time soon. Week 7 marked the first game of Brad Johnson’s (2/30) Envy career. Johnson, subbing for Donovan “D-cup” McNabb (he’s a bust, get it?), was expected to light up the 49er defense like an artillery shelling on CNN. Unfortunately, the complicated 49er blitzes made Johnson look like Kordell Stewart – literally – and made Missner lament “I was excited after he threw that early long TD, but fell into the usual Envy QB ineptitude.” In fact, it reminded Missner of a story … it went something like this, “A few years ago, I tried to go to the U.S. Open (tennis) with my friend, who shall remain nameless but his name is the same as an NFL team. It was a muggy, New York late summer day and, apparently, he did not use deodorant. He had about a 10 foot stink radius. Whew!” How I miss curry. Johnson did hook up with Chad Johnson (6/58), “the lone shining light in a sea of gloomy darkness” for a TD. The Envy were led by the league’s top defenseman Keith Bulluck (7/64), who scooped up a DeShaun Foster (1/-2) fumble, and rumbled to the house for 16 points. Bulluck had the Envy’s first defensive TD and all pro performance and reminded Missner of the summer of 1993, “A very fine summer, in which I met many of the other league owners (a highlight, indeed) but perhaps the realization of a dream – getting paid for reading, playing Scrabble and Diplomacy, and doing the crossword puzzles. Thank you, U.S. Government.” As for Amber’s memories of the Summer of 1993, she said, “I don’t know because I wasn’t livin” as she was just a specky glint in her father’s eye. QB Quincy Carter (1/24), who was picked off the scrap heap by Amber, had his best game by throwing three TD balls to a little girl like Amber. For the way he treated little girls everywhere, Carter was given the gameball, “because of points I don’t care about what team he plays for just how much points they get. It's all about the bling-bling.” Travis Henry (6/77) continued his strong season with 23 points and the Cookie D held up pretty well with 23 points. Desmond “Lois and” Clark (2/-1) had his best game with one point, while Dexter’s “Laboratory” Jackson and Quincy “the Organ” Morgan stayed on the bench. Both owners commented on the Envy’s sad situation. Amber said, “Perry, your teams not very good just to tell yah. Not to be mean or anything - I didn’t want to break your heart.” Missner commented, “Beaten, and badly, by an 8-year old. That pretty much sums the season up.”
The Ballbusters 106 Peaks Island Wookies 94 If there is one thing that Owner Rich Joseph has continued from the previous ownership, it is refusal to comment on his games to the media. Even the most benign questions, such as who he gave the gameball to or his favorite color, have been met with a cold shoulder. It is hard for the media to paint a picture of Joseph as the kid who made good when he won’t deign to talk to us. It goes without saying that the team has been extraordinarily successful. Since their Week 1 loss to the Cookies, the Busters have run off 6 straight wins and in five of them, they have scored 100+ points. As mentioned earlier, the Busters became the second team this week to break the 3 game 100+ point barrier. Unlike in past weeks, when the QB or the DF contributed mightily to the big point total, this was a consistent performance by all Busters. The similarly quiet Owner Will Mitchell must be given some credit for bringing out the best in the Busters because he had his team stoked for the battle of Patriot fans. The Wookie D, not usually a strength, came up with team record numbers as they assailed the Buster offensive players all day long. The DF was led by Michael Strahan (5/41), as it has been for many years now. Strahan, along with Rodney Harrison (3/34), had the league’s second defensive flex allpro combo of the season. Dre Bly (3/27) added a TD and 9 points for a nice total of 41 points. The Wookie offense was led by, as it always seems to be, the Drew-Double-Back-Attack. Deuce McAlister (7/76) led the trio with 19 points on a couple of TD’s, while Drew Bledsoe (7/68) and Ricky Williams (6/65) combined for 15 points. Ike Hilliard (2/1), Anthony Becht (1/2), and William Green (5/26) did not play well. The Busters showed they could keep the score close on Sunday, despite being smacked around by the Wookie D. Jeff Garcia (4/59) manned the QB position for the on-the-bye Peyton Manning and came up with his third allpro performance. An even bigger surprise came from Terri Glenn (2/25) who snagged 3 TD’s balls and made a name for little girls everywhere with 23 points. Donte Stallworth (5/27) took in a deep ball for 10 points and Gary Anderson (1/13) came off the waiver wire showing that he was still a spry oldster. The Busters found themselves in a 10 point hole going into Monday night, but never fear, Priest was there. Priest Holmes (7/110) ran in for a score a took the game home with 17 points. He didn’t even need the league’s leading tight end, Tony Gonzalez (7/38), who scored 5 points. Joseph who couldn’t be reached for comment due to his gone into seclusion due to the unhappy end of the Red Sox, must have been pleased by his team’s place on top of the mountain – by itself.
Week 8 previews - We are almost at the midpoint of the season and as surely Brian Baldinger knows, the games increase in importance every week (actually, they’re all equally important but as a member of the media now, I have to make statements that everyone has heard before). As we look to the top of the standings, we see that two of the top three teams are playing each other as Einar’s Lovable Losers take on the Ballbusters. The Einar’s team should have a chance to win as they won’t be saddled with the continuing fumblitis of Ahole “Put it on the” Green and slow play of Booger Frankfurter. In their stead, the Einar has inserted “Onward” Christian Fauria and the returning from bye Edgerrin James. K Matt Stover takes on the kicking duties fulltime as well. No changes in the Ballbusters line up as of yet. The other 5-2 team, the Bull City Beers, gets to take the week easy as they play the woeful P-Miss Envy. The Envy are the only team not to score in the 90’s this season and Owner Perry Missner assessed his chances as “I see no earthly reason how we are going to beat the Beers. They are so stocked at every position that we are starting their castoffs.” It’s true that Brad Johnson will make his second start for the Envy and Jabar “Wockey” Gaffney makes his debut. Arlen Harris also gets a tryout for the Envy. The Beers, who it make come as a shock to some are actually down in the series 4-6, have former Envy Eric Moulds making his first start after coming off a balky groin. Owner Randy Chambers said, “We'll stay with the same QB for the first time in five weeks, and hope Daunte can keep us rolling. Of course, it will be great to see Brad Johnson playing. We knew he was a #1 guy, but that he couldn't get the reps here in the Bull City. We'll try and change up our offensive signals a bit so Brad & Jabbar don't give too much away to the great Envy defense.” A battle of 4-3 teams coming off of sweet wins takes place as the San Francisco Cubists try to take on Amber and her Cookies. Amber had no unveiled her Week 8 lineup but said, “Cassie and I have a few tricks up our sleeve for the cubists. We are tougher then a guy who's really tough and we are going to send them running home to their mommy.” Owner Jason Moore hopes to run his record to 8-3 against the Cookies will go with the ground attack again. Only Marcel Shipp replaces Troy Hambrick and Al Wilson returns to the lineup. Yet, it was another position that Moore was focused on, “We need continued production out of the quarterback position.” Fascinating quote, really – on par with Coach Dick Jauron. The Brents hope to continue their way up the league ladder when they face the discouraged 44’s. Owner John Stoer will be trying out some new players in forms of Brian Westbrook, Josh Brown, and Mike Doss. Jerome Bettis also makes his gassy return from the garbage dump. Stoer said, “The Movements. I don't care if he starts Bulger or Farf or Green or Leftwich or Barney [doing Betty] Rubble (who needs that many QB's anyway??), the key is containing LT and Portis. But it is all on us. We need to get Gameball off, maybe get the smallest bit of a running game ourselves, and hopefully we won't need to worry about LT and Portis.” The Brents lead the series 5-3 and will be going with Mikhael Ricks, Billy Cundiff, and Warrick Holdman (injured), but Owner Steve Johnson wasn’t really interested in the matchup, “Man, who has the gimme game of the year, the Coroners without the Raiders? The Wookies should start only 5 guys just to make it interesting.” As if all the games against the Coroners weren’t gimmes. Yes, this is the week in which Owner Chad Nuss must switch his paradigm. Some Raiders, sadly, are going to have to get cut if Nuss plans on fielding a team, which at this point, is anyone’s guess. The Coroners have fared quite well against the Wookies, compiling a 4-4 record. Owner Will Mitchell has not changed his lineup yet either, but we can only hope he finds a better tight end.
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