Bull City Beers 103 Veaselicious Cookies Presented by Amber 89 In 2002, the then Bull City Bears did not have the early, clean look of champions, but used a relentless attack to overcome all opponents. It looks like 2003 may be no different as the Beers dropped their first two games, but have started rolling in earnest. Facing the team they have beaten the most, the Cookies, Owner Randy Chambers knew that victory could be expected. He even accounted for the presence of Owner Amber Weitz, who had taken the reigns since her daddy was on �disability leave.� While Amber had started parental divorce proceedings, there was no doubt where her focus was in Week 6 � on the field. She had used the penalty she considered the most often messed, grounding, to send her father to his room, so that there were no distractions. Having accomplished all that she felt she could as defensive coordinator, she handed that title to younger sister, Cassie. Cassie rallied the defense into its best performance this year, led by Chad Brown�s (5/44) 14 and combining for an impressive 32 points. Apparently, the defensive coordinator gene was passed down from Tammy�s side of the family. Meanwhile, Amber had put the focus on this week�s practice on Derrick Mason (6/56) and the reps appeared to help. Mason tied a WR season high with 29 points (more points than he had scored in the previous 5 weeks) on three TD�s and was treated to crab at Red Lobster, an Amber favorite. Amber praised Mason for �for finally doing something. Too bad it wasn�t against the Einar.� Anti-Einar-ness is apparently passed down through the male side of the Weitz family. Morten Andersen (3/21) also had a sweet 10 points for the victorious Chiefs. Sadly, the rest of the team did little to contribute and Amber is going to have spend some practice time helping the rest of them. Amber was particularly disgusted by new recruit, Christian Fauria (1/0), �because he had no points.� For the Beers, there were also some new faces on the sideline. To battle, the youthfulness of Amber, Chambers
********10 Minute Ticker � You are reading Modano Mi Hermano Recaps**********
installed his daughter, the Maya, as offensive coordinator. The results were good � David Carr (2/32) continued one of the more impressive Modano streaks as he got some garbage TD�s and scored the 6th straight all pro game at QB for the Beers. Randy McMichael (5/22) picked up a fumble and rumbled to the house and the offensive flex received TD�s from Darnerian McCants (2/20) and Santana Moss (2/13). The defense, which was coordinated by Richie Pettibone (�Bend, but don't break!�), had a combined 20 points, led by Mike Brown�s (2/12) nine. Yet, the Beers found themselves in a worst place than the refs general ineptitude on pass interference (PI, for those in the know). With only Torry Holt (5/63) left, the Beers were down eight. With a win, Chambers promised a meal at �Breakfast at Elmo's Diner. Anything you order comes out perfect, whether it�s Southwest Grits (cheese, eggs, and veggies) or a simple bowl of oatmeal. The Beers are a simple team, and we like a simple meal in any Bull City eatery.� Torry likes his Elmo�s and went bonzo gonzo, scoring 22 points to secure the win. Holt was given the gameball for his efforts and was trumpeted by Chambers, �This team is all about overtime. Whether it's Rod Smith getting ejected, Brad Johnson and Ronde going crazy or Torry taking over. The Maya did a great job neutralizing Amber. Maya proved that you can win, while playing clean. She said �no Bucs this week, because I love my Skins,� watched Brad go for 30+ points on the bench, while DBrooks scored, and still rolled out a winner.� For his traitorous performance, Johnson was shipped to the league�s furthest outpost, P-Miss Envy, for Eric Moulds and Chad Pennington. A red-eyed Amber, using her best little pout face, said, �The loss broke my heart because I like to win.� Aaaaawwwwww
Einar�s Lovable Losers 105.5 San Francisco Cubists 72 To keep his share of first place, Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen, knew that his team would have to be in rare form. Their opponents, Owner Jason Moore�s San Francisco Cubists, don�t take kindly to losing and had lost two in a row. Olsen knew that Moore would put his team on a short leash during the week and the Cubists would be prepared for whatever plays the Losers could concoct. What Olsen had forgotten about was the way the Cubists react to QB Steve �Air� McNair (6/93) � like Superman to kryptonite. No matter the team or the situation, McNair�s eyes light up when he thinks about Pablo Picasso. Week 6 in 2003 was no different as McNair scorched the airwaves for three TD�s and 29 points in his 4th all pro performance. The Losers now have the highest scoring average from the QB position (18.83 ppg). The former Envy centerpiece leads all QB�s in scoring and is now second in the league in scoring. Second to whom? None other than Ahole �Put it on the� Green (6/97) who had 21 points before giving the Packer win away to the Chiefs on a timely fumble. Aaaaaawwwwww. The Losers also received TD�s from their tight end and one of their receivers, but neither was impressive enough to name. Outside analyst�s believed that the key factor in the game was that the Einar ordered Vince Lombardi steakhouse catering for the away lockerroom, causing many of the Cubists to have to make frequent trips to toilet during the second half. The Cubists did get off to a decent start with QB Aaron
*******10 Minute Ticker � These recaps were written in the English language********
Brooks (4/55), who did not eat the catered food but brought his own dietetic egg salad sandwich, got out of the doghouse with his second all-pro game on 17 points. Sadly, he was the only Cubists to gain admittance to the end of grid. Joe Theisman said, �In slobbering over offensive coordinator Cameron Diaz, I think she expected a few more points for the offense.� Paul McGuire countered, �Let me tell you something, defensive coordinator Lucy Liu ain�t just a pretty face. I�ll tell you what, she can coach.� Liu told the defense to score points and they managed 25 points, led by gameball earning Sam Cowart (5/53) who leads the league in defensive player points. In fact, the Cubists have usurped the top defensive flex position from the much more pricey Envy defensive flex. However, Moore was reminded of the ref�s inability to call the retaliation push fairly in his assessment of Todd Heap (5/18). Moore brooded and dined alone at �Acquarello, Italian food in San Francisco 5-course tasting menu,� while trying to figure out what has gone wrong with his three time champion team. He commented, �It was a nice treat not to have negative output from anyone, but our passing game is struggling.� Einar succinctly reported, �The team is reaching its potential.�
Peaks Island Wookies 74 Brentful Brents 66 Remember after Week 2, when the Brents were the toast of the league? They had come off of impressive 100+ scoring performances and looked like a machine that could not be stopped. Sadly, somewhere along the line, the time took a wrong turn and has transformed into a gang of inbred, hillbilly idiots. What, oh what, could have happened? While Owner Steve Johnson has repeatedly told the media that he sees the cup half full, it is clear that something insidious within the team is sapping the team�s will to win. What, oh what, could it be? Investigative journalists have pinpointed the problem � backup QB Brent Farf. Farf refuses to see himself as a second tier, backup QB and consistently belittles the team�s higher scoring starters. It is creating quite a dilemma for Johnson � should he simply cut Farf as everyone knows he should, or should he keep him around because he named his team after the imbecile QB? Until he answers that question, it looks like the Brent ship will continue to sink. The Brent performance on Sunday illuminated this dysfunction as the team received no TD�s from any of its starters. Heinz Ward (6/49) and LaVerneus Coles (6/47) have really fallen off a majority of their fingers are broken from trying catch needless Farf fastballs. The running game of Clinton Portis (4/55), under the guidance of offensive coordinator Andrew Dice Clay who teaches how to get away with offensive pass interference and get away with it, looks similarly bewildered as Portis can�t figure out the completely random Farf fake pattern. The offensive flex only scored 7 points, a team season low. Defensive coordinator Woody Allen (who likes to dine at Goodfellow's in Mlps. �One of the most expensive places in town. A friend took us there after his small wedding. There were a few things that we didn't know what they were, but the brazed tuna and wine were top notch.�) led his troops to 19 points, nearly half of the team�s
****10 Minute Ticker � These recaps are being brought to you by Kimberly Clark*****
Sunday�s points. While the Brents were struggling with internal dissension caused by their QB, the Wookies were trying to win despite their QB. QB Drew Bledsoe (6/60) started the season afire, but has been doused in recent weeks. Former tagteam due Bledsoe and Troy Brown (3/4) combined for 0 points, causing Owner Will Mitchell to utter, �sad, very sad.� Marcus Pollard (3/4) also continues to be a poor imitation of Ben Coates. The Wookies flexes, however, stepped up in a big way. All of the O-flex members scored TD�s and combined for 33 points. Mitchell decided to give the gameball to Rodney Harrison (2/19) and Michael Strahan (4/24) for each scoring double figures. Mitchell took both flexes to �Fore Street, right here in Portland [ME], start with the best mussels anywhere on the planet, move on to fish, pork, or game, and finish off with awesome desserts.� Drew had to sit outside in the rain and watch his teammates eat through the window. The Brents had two bullets left in their pea shooter on Monday night and a 30 point deficit to overcome. Marc Bulger (3/61) did his part in leading his team with three TD�s and 23 points. Johnson only needed an above average from TE Alge Crumpler (6/30). Crumpler was decidedly below average in scoring -1 on a cost fumble. Johnson said, �I thought I had pulled out a win, but that fumble killed me. How appropriate.� Mitchell, who has seen his team win two in a row and equal the overall record of the Brents at 35-39, said, �looks like we may not play pushover all year - if I can pull off a couple more of these ugly wins, then get Drew and a receiver or two on track we might make a run...but Drew is going to have to step up [and recover from pneumonia].�
Syracuse 44�s 65 P-Miss Envy 51 Does anyone here like pizza? Yes, we thought you did. The biannual pizza bowl played between the Envy and 44�s usually results in some satisfyingly high scoring, taut thrillers. Sadly, the Envy are having an off year in 2003 and the 44�s and have not been able to use beans to give them any type of gas. In what is becoming an Envy weekly ritual only two TD�s were scored in the entire game. The good news is that one of them was from QB Donovan McNabb (5/23), making his first trip back to Syracuse since breaking his foot there last season. McNabb has now scored TD�s in consecutive weeks, but he nearly gave all those points away with his turnovers. The rest of the Envy lineup was a scramble of sixes, sevens, and lesser numbers as well. Owner Perry Missner gave the gameball was given to Anthony Thomas (3/27) for �continuing to run strong and he�ll keep getting gameballs. TD�s would help, but he�s not the only one.� Dante Hall (1/6) showed flashes of MVP form and K Paul Edinger (1/7) tied for the team lead with 7 points. Offensive coordinator Paul Westhead (of Loyala Marymount fame) was not pleased. Defensive coordinator Buddy Ryan was even more unhappy as he exploded into a Zimmer-esque ball of fire upon hearing that the Envy DF was no longer rated #1. The vaunted Envy defensive players combined for a meager 16 point total in a game that was winnable. Ryan complained bitterly about the �pass interference calls, especially against Charles Tillman, it�s awful.� The team played like its favorite restaurant was Taco Bell (�Call me gauche, but there�s nothing quite as satisfying as the Grilled Stuft Burrito. The beans, meat, and other stuff I have not been able to identify. Aaahhhh.�). The Envy had T.J. Duckett in reserve. Play was also quite
**10 Minute Ticker � Make a run for the border. Taco Bell won�t upset your tummy***
uneven for Owner John Stoer. He placed Coach Dick �Mac� McPherson as his offensive and defensive coordinator. Mac �once had his QB punt on 3rd down to "catch them offguard". How can you beat that?� In fact, Coach Mac �is also in charge of the special teams, and have you seen how well John Hall (3/32) has been booting the ball this year.� Hall led the team with 9 points. #1 receiver Marvin Harrison (6/71) had a good game with 7 as he was shackled by his QB Jay �is for Jewish� Fielder (1/1) who had not yet recovered from his Yom Kippur fasting. Or was it his post-Yom Kippur feast at �Hungry Charleys aka Chucks in Syracuse. All you can eat AND drink for $5. Does it even matter what I ate?� Sounds reminiscent of Kenny�s. The game was close heading into the second half, but DB Ed Reed (2/29) broke it wide open with a blocked kick recovered for a TD. Reed scored nearly a third of his team�s points and his brilliant play was rewarded from a gameball from Stoer and a slap on the butt from Coach Mac. Once again, Missner needed a Monday night miracle, this time from T.J. Duckett (5/22). Duckett failed. Missner commented, �At the beginning of the game it looked like he was going to get 50 carries � would 2 TD�s be too much to ask for?� Yes, yes they would. Missner said calmly, �We are doing a passable job at playing to our competition�s level without scoring any TD�s. Kudos to Donovan for two in a row, but we were expecting a bit more. Hopefully, Sto enjoys the win because we plan on having a strong second half.� Stoer also commented on his old QB, �We were hoping for a brilliant game from Donovan and yet still be able to pull out the victory and we got one of the two. It was sad to see McNabb struggling on the other sideline and not be able to help him out. But we will definitely take a win particularly in a week where the offense played like doggie doo.�
The Ballbusters 100.5 County Coroners 46 Las Vegas and Potawatomi bingo gambling heads had installed the burgeoning Ballbusters as a 30 point favorite going into the weekend. The action was fast and furious as gamblers saw that Owner Chad Nuss was not going to change his lineup much, despite facing the top team in the league. With his Raiders playing the stingy Browns, Nuss might have had a thought to switch a few non-Raiders into the lineup, but such is not the thought process of Nuss. Nuss stuck with his Raiders who managed a TD and a PAT and got walloped by the Ballbusters in their first ever meeting. During the game, a strange transformation seemed to be taking place. Somehow, the entrepreneurial Nuss was morphing into a PhDed psychiatrist of Hawaiian descent. Yes, it seems the once respectable owner was Ouaou-izing and there may not be much he can do to reverse the process. Nuss lackeys were even telling the press that the owner had retreated to an Ouaou-like Unabomber shack, called the Bat Cave, and was writing his manifesto. The Coroners have been ugly all year long, and Week 6 was no different � Rich Gannon (6/64) and Stephen Davis (4/47) scored TD�s in the only glimmers of hope. The team now has league�s worst WR slot, offensive flex (12.83 ppg) and defensive flex (12.33 ppg). There wasn�t even any hope from the bench. To make matters worse, the entire team got outscored by the record setting Ballbuster defensive flex. Owner Rich Joseph had the defense stoked to a dog whistle pitch as he unleased
****10 Minute Ticker � Thom Brennaman is an idiot. Steve �Pyscho� Lyons is a bigger idiot. Fox sports coverage in general is abysmal. They are slowly driving me nuts.****
the dogs of war � Simeon Rice (4/45) and Jason Taylot (2/20). The two combined for 44 points as the Ballbusters broke the Envy�s 2001 record with 52.5 points. Rice�s 24 points were the most by a defensive player since Brian Urlacher had 28 points in 2001. The team was also helped to its third straight 100+ point performance (and 4th overall) by its starting offensive players. Peyton Manning (3/59) went into the by with 12 and Priest Holmes (6/93) rebounded with 14. TE Tony Gonzalez (6/33) set a season high from that slot with 14 points and took over the tight end point scoring lead. As impressive as the performance was, the team completely whiffed from two major slots � the K and the OF. The combination of Terri Glenn (1/2), Peerless Price (5/9), and Fred Taylor (6/49) combined for a OF season low of 5 points and K Jay Feely (5/23) did not score at all. Some media pundits saw it as Joseph doing the right thing by not pouring on the score by Price and Feely in an already won game. Now, that�s good sportsmanship!
Week 7 previews - Week 7 has its fair share of tasty matchups. A battle of Patriot fan supremacy takes place, while the owners mourn the end of the Red Sox season. Owner Will Mitchell has seen flashes in the pan like the Ballbusters, but he seems impressed by this light source, �The Ballbusters are hot - looking like a 5-1 team - has there ever been a defense with 2 guys posting 44 points between them? And they don�t exactly take a hit going to the backups, like at QB next week. We'll have our work cut out for us but we're shaking things up and hope to finally get on it with a 100 point game and pull off the upset special.� The Busters will likely use Jeff Garcia in the starting slot, but no one has been named yet. Mitchell is going to try Anthony Becht in the TE slot to get some production from his favorite position and has made the uncouth move of putting both of the double-backs, Ricky Williams and Deuce McAlister, in the offensive flex. Dre Bly also returns. The other 5-1 team, Einar�s Lovable Losers, take on fellow Packer backer Steve Johnson and his Brentful Brents. Can Johnson, and possibly Woody Allen, devise a system to slow down Steve McNair. What about Ahole �put it on the� Green, the league�s leading scorer � how will he respond in revenge week. The Brents look like they will keep Brent Farf under wraps, but are bringing Moe Williams and LaDainian Tomlinson back from the bye. Johnson, whose team is 3-3 against the Losers, said, �L.T. this is your time to shine. You have had a week to prepare.� For Owner John Stoer, it�s Jamo week. Both the Cubists and 44�s are 3-3, but the Cubists own a 6-2 series advantage. Owner Jason Moore is going back to his roots, �Who's going to be the next quarterback to light up the Cubists? Enough screwing around; the four-back attack is
****10 minute ticker � Do you remember when the 10 minute ticker actually gave scores and wasn�t what is coming up on the Bernie Mac show. I call it the Fox-izing of TV. Do they have to show some quick close ups of the players faces? I may never watch baseball again*******
going to jam the ball right down the 44's throats.� Yes, it will be handoffs and screens aplenty, but don�t forget about Terrell Owens, please. Stoer will start RB Ladell Betts for the first time since rescuing him from the waiver wire, but will be without WR Marvin Harrison. Stoer commented, �The commish really loaded up my schedule this year. Beers, Envy and now Cubists all in a row. It's hard to get up for big games week after week. The offense, particularly the new guys, will have to pick it up because if form holds the Cubists will hang triple digits on us. We know the Beers are the defending champs, but we also know that any road to the title goes through George Braques Stadium and that is all the motivation we need.� Another battle that could turn ugly has the P-Miss Envy trying to rescue their season against the Veaselicious Cookies Presented by Amber. The Cookies actually hold a 5-4 series edge and blew the Envy out in record fashion in 2002. A confident Amber said, �Listen up, Perry, I'm going to win, your team stinks like a rotten egg. P-Miss is not a word. Don�t you even know how to spell. My dad said your smart but I don�t think so, if you can�t even spell Penis.� Thank goodness his name isn�t Perry Nissner. The Cookies have not changed their lineup and will be without defensive stud David Thornton (3/33). The Envy will be starting new QB Brad Johnson as soon as the Johnson goes through his formal physical testing. TE Billy Miller also gets his first start. Missner said, �Amber is small, so we are not afraid. We haven�t been afraid all season� Of course, they say it isn�t the size of the dog in the fight, but the fight in the dog. Perhaps a new QB will lead some TD drives�� Lastly, we have the surging Beers against lost Coroners. The Beers hold an 8-2 series advantage and will be favored heavily by bettors. Nevertheless, Owner Randy Chambers is not taking this game lightly, �You can never discount the County, even with their slow start.
Stephen Davis is a favorite former Bea/er. We know they are just waiting to explode, and with all the MNF performers on their side of the ball, we're nervous this week. We hope Daunte can pick up where Brad and David (3-0, combined) left off and keep the roll
going.� Yes, Daunte Culpepper is back from a back injury and Randy Moss returns from the bye. Trouble. For the Coroners, Anquan Boldin is on the bye and maybe this will be the week that Deltha O�neal takes a seat.