Veaselicious Cookies Presented by Amber 81 County Coroners 61 No one who has spent any time around the Weitz family of Ripon would claim them to be dysfunctional, but recent events have caused some analysts to rethink their position on the matter. As former Owner Dan Weitz�s behavior became increasingly erratic, eldest daughter Amber, who deemed herself anything but crazy, was forced to step in and promote herself from defensive coordinator to de facto owner. Papa Weitz�s bizarre behavior was related in this little story by Amber, �I got my Dad a piece of gum that was really sour and gave it to him without telling him it was sour and he started chewing it and then he screamed at me for trickin him.� Amber then gave her father a timeout. While Papa was sitting in the corner, Amber knew that she had to do whatever was best for the Cookies. She made her first inquiry in the Gary Coleman-like process of divorcing one�s parents to legal eagle, Perry Mason. Upon learning that Mason (and the actor playing him) was deceased, Amber went to her safety choice, Jackie Childs. Childs pronounced the case, �indubitably, the most provocative case of the new season.� The Cookies reacted positively to Amber�s promotion and the rumor of legal proceedings. Each of the players seemed to put forth their best effort against the winless Coroners in Week 5. Recent pickup (and cuttee) QB Gus Frerotte led the scoring with a couple of TD�s for 18 points. Amber handed big Gus the gameball �because he does have the most points.� Travis Henry also put in a gutty effort, overcoming rib cage problems, to score two close TD�s and gain 17 points. It was his third all-pro effort. K David Akers also overcame a slow season start to nail 10 points including a nice 4 pt FG. Even trophy RB Emmitt Smith did his best in a game against a team he once called trash (while referring to himself as a diamond). Mr. Diamond scored 0 points and broke his shoulder in the process and Amber said, �Emmitt stunk but I can�t say that about my best player but he did get 0 points.� Chris Chambers and Jim Kleinsasser did not help their case in the eyes of Amber by only scoring 1 point. Chambers� performance reminded Amber of �Girl Glenn because he is wussy head, I'm tougher than him.� The TE position has been a burr in the Cookies� side all season long as they are the only team with a TD from that position. One good thing for the Cookies was that they didn�t need to be their best because they were playing the Coroners. One would have thought now that Owner Chad �Callahan� Nuss had cornered the market on Raiders, his team would have been happier, but such is not the case. With so many Raiders to chose from, the anything but confident Nuss has picked the wrong ones seemingly every week. This week Zach Crockett�s TD went for naught. Meanwhile, QB Rich Gannon looks like his will be a one-termer MVP as he was dominated by the Bear D and score 0. He was given disdain by Nuss. All of the other Raiders, save Sebastian Janakowski and his 14 points, fared poorly. Even Janakowski�s fine game was tainted as he missed a PAT and would have had an all pro score for himself. The gameball was given to non-Raider Stephen Davis who has been a horse this season. Dick Driver�s performance reminded Nuss of the time �he made a friend cook and cater his own surprise birthday party.� Deltha O�neal long standing Coronerhood looks to be ending as Nuss pronounced, �I'm gonna get rid of that Donkey!� Overall, Nuss said, �I Suck, Live with Raiders, Lose with Raiders.� As for the Weitz family saga, Amber said, �The new era has started out with a win. My dad is still chanting some nonsense about Harrison Ford or something and Einar sucks I think.� She then put her hand to the side of her mouth and whispered confidentially, �He has become even less coherent then before.�
Bull City Beers 110 Syracuse 44�s 77 Both Owners John Stoer and Randy Chambers had been relatively satisfied with their seasons so far. Each had dropped games the first two weeks, but had rallied in weeks three and four to get within sniffing distance of first place. The game took a slow pace at first, but hit fifth gear (and sixth gear, if there is such a thing, for the Beers) in overtime � aka Monday night. Chambers, who didn�t care for Hector and Victor�s projection of his team, saved four of his players for overtime, so his team�s scoring seemed a bit diminished. Chambers, who doesn�t think of himself as sneaky and hence has never played a good practical joke, once again got a great performance from similarly named Randy Moss. Moss nabbed another two TD�s for 17 points and his third all pro game of the year. He is the top WR and the third highest scorer in the league. Also similarly named Randy McMichael had just three points, but that�s not bad from the TE slot. The Beer OF contributed a couple of TD�s from Shaun Alexander (who could have kept racking up the yards and scores against the Packers who had no answer for him, but the Walrus went pass wacky and proceded to get crushed) and Darnerian McCants. Duce Staley, who just hasn�t been the same this year, scored 2 points and reminded Chambers of Chris �False Starts� Samuels. For Stoer, with only one player in reserve, the Sunday results were not so nice. QB Matt Hasselbeck played down to his level in scoring only four points, but Stoer (who doesn�t consider himself devout � choosing that word over evangelical and fundamentalist) reserved scorn for former team mouthpiece, Shannon Sharpe, �because Shockey had a big game from the bench.� In fact, Stoer said Sharpe reminded him of the despised Jessie "Giants/Hurricanes" Armstead, but only because �Brian Mitchell isn�t around anymore.� For the second straight week, Stoer went with an entirely new DF and it scored 18 points for him. Ken Hamlin gets some style points for having the inbred moron push him around classlessly after the Packers were already leading by 20 points. Way to go, moron! The 44�s did receive a TD from Kevin Johnson and John Hall chipped a sweet 14 points. After Sunday, the game was a taut 55-54 Beer lead. With everyone expecting a tight defensive battle on Monday night, things were up in the air. That defensive battle was not to be as Brad Johnson quickly lit the air for TD�s. Johnson scored 25 points on three scores and became the third different Beer QB to have an all pro performance in the last three weeks. In fact, the Beers have received 15+ points from the QB position all five weeks and are averaging a gaudy 19.4 from the position. Each of Johnson�s TD�s was countered by one from Marvelous Marvin Harrison. Harrison was given the gameball for his acrobatic catches in burning the Beer D for 23 points. He also told Keyshawn Johnson, to �shut the [fountain] up.� But, as we mentioned before, the Beers had more in reserve than the 44�s. Mike Vanderjagt continued his league leading ways with 8 points and Ronde Barber, who shared the game ball with Brad Johnson, scored the first defensive TD of the season and set a season standard with 17 points. Chambers commented, �Ronde Barber did exactly what we asked of him --to try and neutralize Marvin best he could. You cannot beat Sto without slowing down the big 44x2. I will take 1 TD scored vs. 2 allowed against Harrison any day! Our bench, once again, played with a lot of heart. Three wins in a row with 3 QBs. Brad Johnson looked like the QB who once led the Skins to the playoffs.� The losing side Stoer noticed, �Why are the Beers defending champs? Daunte breaks his back two weeks ago, which would flounder most teams, and the Beers get all-pro performances from David Carr and Brad Johnson in consecutive weeks. Good coaching, good depth and the abiltiy to rally past adversity. I tip my hat to the better organization. We can only hope to get to that level.�
The Ballbusters 101 Brentful Brents 77 Owner Steve Johnson is never satisfied. Some may call this the �grass is always greener� disease, but for a fantasy owner, being active and uncompromising can be a good thing. Knowing that he had thrown too many eggs in the Packer basket (just so you know, that would be one egg), Johnson engineered a deal to send fumblin� Ahole Green to fellow Packer back Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen for top Loser LaDainian Tomlinson. With Green out of town, and inbred hillbilly idiot QB Brent Farf sitting his ugly butt on the bench, the Brents barely had a Packer presence. Yet, it was still there in the presence of Ryan Longshanks and frequent seizure sufferer Nick Barnett and it was clearly the undoing of the Brents as they fell to the now league leading Ballbusters. Yet, for the early games, the Brents looked to be holding in there. The not really boisterous Johnson got a nice game from Trent Green, a vastly superior QB to that other yappy jerk, with two TD�s and 13 points, but he gave the gameball to RB Clinton Portis who scored 20. Johnson gave special commendations �to Moe (17 points) who I foolishly didn't play. Damn S.O.D.� Alge Crumpler is starting to fade (2 pts), but he still better the Nobody Likes Wesley Walls, Johnson�s least favorite Green Bay player. LB Warrick Holdman forgot what team he was on for a half as he scored 8 points in the first half of the Bears win, but finally remembered he was a Brent and messed his knee up in the second half. The Brent aerial attack has been grounded as Ward, Coles and Lelie have all fallen on hard times. The new recruit Tomlinson also did not win his owner�s confidence with just four points, but that was partly due to the Chargers deciding to try the passing game. In that, Buster David Boston broke out. Having apologized to the team for not being a good boy, Boston used his immense physicality to notch two TD�s and 21 points. Surely, he was an inspired play by Owner Rich Joseph. Joseph also received multiple TD games from two other players playing in the late games. Fred Taylor torched the Brent D for a couple of scores and 22 points, but both Taylor and Boston were trumped by Jeff Garcia who scored 3 TD�s and 23 points for his second all pro game in three starts. TE Tony Gonzalez added a TD from the TE slot. The Busters had 8 TD�s in all � tying the number of TD�s the P-Miss Envy have scored all season long. Joseph did not even pay for not playing Peyton Manning who had a sweet second half comeback but only managed 21 points due to first half stodginess. Priest Holmes had his second straight off week with only 3 points, but he still leads all Modanoland scorers. Overall, Johnson commented, �The mighty MYM [Minnesote Youth Movement � Johnson has renamed his team something like �MMmmmm� Bowel Movements, but the media will not honor such a offensive name�] begins! (I couldn't really call themYoung [Pieces of Packer] now could I) Is he really trying to look to the future and play in the present? That�s right! LT, Portis, Coles, Lelie along with Bulger, Leftwich, and Barnett, (what is the average age here? 23?) I have a nucleus of a dynasty team! Years of domination. Now I just have to win something.�
Einar�s Lovable Losers 85 P-Miss Envy 72 We have commented before on the quiet way in which Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen has been making his way through the season. There seem to be many teams that would be more qualified to be in first place than Einar�s Lovable Losers, but there he is, in a tie with The Ballbusters at 4-1. Perhaps one should give the lion�s share of credit to the Einar for forming a team that can win stealthily. That would incorrect � the lion�s share of the credit should go to a QB that just simply refuses to lose. Steve �Air� McNair has been a one man wrecking crew. That was more evident in Week 5 as McNair not only threw rocket after rocket, but being intimately aware of what the Envy were going to do in each situation due to his many years under Owner Perry Missner�s employ, was able to call the Loser defensive calls to their great advantage. McNair had his best game of the season against his former mates with 25 points on 300+ yards and two running TD�s. What a man! The recent trade also worked fortuitously for the Einar as Green provided enough points to get the win rather than Tomlinson (grumble, grumble). Ahole and Air were the only Losers to score TD�s and Einar gave the gameball to Ahole. Plexico Burress received scorn from the Einar for only scoring 1 point, but Bubba Franks was nearly as big a bust with only 2. Speaking of busts, we could easily put that label on the Envy who are off to their worst start since 2001 when they also started with a 1-4 record. The biggest problem has been QB Donovan McNabb. While the Envy were happy to finally receive a TD from McNabb (and 7 points), this performance paled in comparison to 2002 when McNabb had already scored 11 TD�s through Week 5. That�s like a stomach punch or a bad practical joke. Speaking of jokes, Missner described his best joke as �Other than the time I fake retired from writing football recaps (I�ve never felt such professional adulation), I am not much for practical jokes, but I once convinced this guy in college that there was only two L�s in gullible. He actually looked it up.� Missner, who wouldn�t describe himself as a socialite, gave the game ball to Anthony Thomas (8 points) �for continuing to run strong in a winning effort!� The Envy received their 8th TD of the season from Rudi �not Vanessa� Johnson (10 pts.) and the DF continued its top notch play with 23 points. LB Keith Bulluck now leads all defensive players with 42 points this season, passing idle Envy player Ray Lewis (40 pts). K Aaron Elling also had his best game in Envy green with 10 points. The game was tied at 71 going into Monday but the Einar had three players in reserve. However, Edgerrin James sat out because he wanted the Envy to win. Fortunately for the Einar, Michael Pittman and Martin Gramatica outscored Dallas Clark 14-1 to provide the winning margin. Clark received scorn from Missner, �we had big hope for you on Monday night, but the loss is your fault� and was compared to David Terrell, �who he must have been dynamite in college because all he does is talk and drop balls in the pros.� Overall, Missner said, �We are having great troubles finding the endzone. Has anyone seen it? Kudos to Donovan for his first TD. Cuts to Donovan for negating it with two interceptions. We are going to keep on throwing him out there as I know that anything Rush Limbaugh says is wrong. Keep your chin up, Donovan.� Meanwhile, the Einar stirred up some trouble by having a long memory, �Not bad for a team with such little depth! Right Mr. Chambers?� Yowsers, I think we have another rivalry.
Peaks Island Wookies 80 San Francisco Cubists 66 Something stinks in San Francisco and we�re sure its not the odor of burritos gone bad. No, it is the play of the suddenly crestfallen Cubists who dropped their second game in a row to a Peaks Island Wookies team that ain�t exactly burning it up. Owner Jason Moore, who has yet to pick a game right this year in Pigskin Pick�em, had to juggle his lineup because of the byes, but no amount of tossing and turning are going to make him forget the performance QB Tommy Maddox threw up in his first start. Maddox, bedeviled by the crazy Browns defense, managed to put a season worst -5 on the board and make Moore reconsider his placing of Aaron Brooks solidly in the doghouse. Maddox, the XFL refugee, actually made the Steelers look stupid for cutting Kordell Stewart � not an easy feat. It might have been wise for Moore to play either Patrick Ramsey (15 pts) or Brooks (10 pts), each of whom scored enough to upend the winning margin, but hindsight is 20-20 (or in my case about 20-40). It was just a bad week for tight ends named Clark as Desmond did even worse than Dallas by being the second player with a negative Cubist score. The ugliness reminded Owner Will Mitchell of his 2001 season in which Drew Bledsoe remained mired in the negatives for a number of weeks. Happily, for Mitchell this is 2003 and Bledsoe has been reborn as a Bill. Bledsoe whipped the ball for 13 points and a TD. He even hit Marcus Pollard for three points. So, in those two positions, the Wookies held a 23 point advantage. Of course, Ricky Williams was relentlessly pounded the ball inside (for 9 points) and Rod Smith was taking care of the outside for 10 points. Deuce McAlister also ran well completing the Drew-Double-Back-Attack with 11. New offensive flex recruits Ike Hilliard and Bobby Shaw were poor, with each scoring a bullet. Another big surprise came from the Wookie D-flex which scored a season high 24 points, led by Jevon Kearse�s 12 and Dre Bly�s 9. Even Michael Strahan had a nice game from the bench with 12 points, while Rodney Harrison had 9. The Cubists� DF also had a nice game with 28 points, spurred on by Chris Claiborne�s 13, but they remain the #2 defensive unit in the land to the higher priced Envy squad. Jason Elam continued his fine kicking with 11 points. He is only behind Mike Vanderjagt in kicker scoring. The Cubists did receive TD�s from keepers Tiki Barber (12 pts) and Terrell Owens (11 pts), but the offensive flex also fell flat with just 11 points. Barber and Jamal Lewis have combined to score as many points as Priest Holmes from the RB slot. The win was the Wookies second of the year and each time they have scored the low total to win.
Week 6 previews - The two 4-1 teams both take their respective battles to the cities by the bay. The top ranked Ballbusters face off against the winless Coroners, but nothing is ever set in stone in Modano country. At this point, neither team has changed their lineup, other than Owner Rich Joseph going without a kicker in a bit of derring-do. Owner Chad Nuss has not followed through on his rantings about killing off Deltha O�Neal, but he did say, �Monday night against the KC [Dung heaps]. I must say I'm a bit worried at this point given the Coroner performance.� The Chiefs have to lose some time and the Coroners have to win some time. The Losers take their proud record to San Francisco where Owner Jason Moore hope to recoup by having Jamal Lewis and Todd Heap back in the lineup. In fact, the Cubist lineup has a lot of T guys in it � Todd, Tiki, Terrell, and Troy. Neat. The Cubists will also try out a new LB, Andra Davis. Meanwhile, the Einar has promoted Michael Pittman to starting RB over Ahole Green � a wise choice, and has brought Joe Horn and Isaac Bruce off the bench. The series history is tied at 3. A very interesting matchup takes place between the upstart Cookies presented by Amber and the Bull City Beers. The Beers have owned this series winning an unprecedented 9 times out of 10, but they have never faced a team so loyal to its young owner. Amber commented, �We dont like beer its not good for you, it kills brain cells plus it makes you all loopy and stuff. [kinda like Daddy, perhaps I could use that in my divorce case � he needs AA].� The Cookie�s lineup has been ravaged by injury as Emmitt Smith is broken but still in the lineup, but he should join Marshall Faulk on the bench soon. Jim Kleinsasser goes for the bye. Meanwhile, Tim Couch makes his first start. The Beers are ravaged by the bye because there will be no Daunte and no Randy (Moss, that is). Owner Randy Chambers even commented, �We may have to go to the bench for a coach, not just players, this week. The only way we know to neutralize Amber is to have the Maya make this week's lineup. Amber is on a roll, but the Maya led us to victory lane last year, so we trust in her.� Now, that is a compelling story. Of course, if youth is the key, Amber could call on youngest sister Danielle who is even less experienced that the Maya. The Beers return David Carr to the lineup hoping for a 6th all pro game. Maybe he can connect with Jabar Gaffney again. Mike Brown is also back and Antoine Winfield makes his debut. The Brentful Brents take their uneven play to Peaks Island as they face off against the Wookies. Owner Steve Johnson commented to no one in particular, �Man, is everyone still in contention? Well, almost.� That is sure to bulletin board material in Peaks Island. Marc Bulger is back at the top of the lineup as �special� QB Brent Farf is in charge of not interrupting the game. Darrell �Dropping is a Disease� Jackson makes his Brent debut. For the Wookies, who hold a 4-3 series edge, the lineup�s nearly the same with Rodney Harrison and Michael Strahan hoping they can continue their good play in live action. Finally, we have two teams looking for a bit of sunshine � the Envy and 44�s. One game separates the two teams in the overall standings, but this marks the return of Donovan McNabb to his hallowed grounds. McNabb had a huge game against the 44�s last year, but broke his �during� the game. Both owners commented on the situation. Owner Perry Missner said, �Donovan goes home and I am sure that he will want to put on a show for those folks in the dome. As I am off cheese, Sto will have to get bloated on thick crust, deep dish, sauce heavy, toppings laden pizza.� While the aforementioned Owner John Stoer replied, �Envy week. It means only one thing here in Syracuse. We have to face our favorite son, Donovan McNabb, for the first time. I can't lie, there will be divided loyalties, but hopefully McNabb will have a brilliant individual game and we will pull out the victory. As for strategy, we will employ a four receiver set this week in the hopes of spreading out the feared Envy linebackers. Lord knows we can't run for (self-censored) doo-doo.� The Envy, who hold a 5-4 series advantage, will try out Antonio Bryant and Ladell Betts as their bench has been shortened by recent pickups who have a lot of potential but won�t do a damn bit of good right now. The Envy have as many former Orangemen in their lineup (Donovan and Keith Bulluck) as the 44�s (Marvin Harrison and Kevin Johnson), but the 44�s have more Miami Hurricanes (Jeremy Shockey and Ed Reed) and Jews (Jay Fiedler).
----------------------------------The Written Word is a Lie Press------------------------