Brentful Brents 101 County Coroners 95 Critics have been known to change people�s minds. Owner Chad Callahan Nuss has heard it all in his many years as a league owner � he was mysterious, then off-kilter, and now he just wants to win, baby. His willingness to win was upgraded as he actually listened to the local media and benched a few of his precious Raiders as the team had not performed up to expectations in the early season. Sadly, playing the defenseless Chargers, Week 4 was not the time to bench any Raiders � a lesson Nuss is probably still crying about. First, the good � the Coroners had their breakout game of the season as the Raiders plus supplemental players came with their game faces on. Making his triumphant return to the limelight was Rich Gannon who scored 26 points on three TD�s. One of his TD strikes went to Doug Jolley who scored 9. The non-Raiders also contributed mightily with Stephen Davis using his thunder for 18 and Lamar Gordon adding a touch of lightning for 11. Even Seabass was up to snuff as the wild kicker scored 10. It had the makings of a Coroner win � no matter the opponent, in this case, the Brentful Brents. Owner Steve Johnson, who dislikes the effete Craig Kilborn (�He used to do the sports and this is just an excuse to rip on him�), made the wise decision again to bench hillbilly moron QB Brent Farf and play Marc Bulger. Bulger rewarded his owner�s wisdom with 24 points. Ashley Lelie took advantage of his playing time to score 11 and Jay Foreman led the defense with 13. When Johnson plays D&D, he likes to be �a chaotic neutral elf fighter magic user. They definitely have the best combination of...Oh..I mean...I don't play that stuff...what are you talking about? Hey look at those [bazoombas]!� Johnson was not happy with his other defensive players, Adam Archuleta and Warrick Holdman who combined for 4 points. Their play reminded Johnson of �That whole God buggaboo. Everyone, just relax!� Yet, the Coroners held a near insurmountable lead going into Monday night�s affair when it was discovered that in his weekend delirium Nuss had replaced Tim Brown with break dancer Dick Driver. Oh, what a gaffe. Instead of receiving Brown�s 14 fine points, the Coroners were given the pathetic contribution of Driver�s 3. While Driver was being incompetent, other Brents were scoring TD�s, PAT�s, and FG�s and were subsequently given gameballs. Those Brents managed to dig out of a 26 point hole for the win. Johnson, whose team scored over 100 for the third time this season (which tied a franchise record), said, �I knew the old guys would be able to keep up with my young [squirts]. Like the aged they are, the Coroners started out strong but couldn't finish.� It was the Coroner�s 50th franchise loss.
The Ballbusters 104 San Francisco Cubists 85 Owner Jason Moore is not used to losing. When he does, the loss does not fade from his memory quickly. Yet, his team, the San Francisco Cubists, have had a hard time with new owners. Few have forgotten how much trouble the Cubists had with Rob Ouaou the first they met him and here was Ouaou�s team, under new management but there was a hint of the familiar. The Cubists had gameplanned all week long to stop the league�s highest scorer Priest Holmes and in that they were successful. However, by putting nine in the box, the Cubists left ample room for Peyton Manning�s histrionics and deft passing which allowed the Ballbuster QB to become a house of fire. Owner Rich Joseph, who dislikes Dan Shaughness (possibly due to his goofy curly hair), allowed his QB to call whatever damn play he liked, including flapping his arms like he was trying to take off. Given freedom to as he pleased, Manning went bonkers, setting a new Modano league record with 46 points on six TD�s (surpassing Shaun Alexander�s 45 from 2002). Moore gave disdain to the Saints defense, but perhaps more credit should be given to Joseph for knowing how to get the most of Manning, if for only a night. Manning hit Tai Streets, Fred Taylor, and old Cubist friend Tony Gonzalez for TD�s, overshadowing the mild play of Priest Holmes, who scored 6 and even received some disdain from Joseph. The Saints further plagued Moore by allowing Aaron Brooks to become a turnover machine as he netted a -7. Fortunately, Moore had the foresight to bench Brooks and put in Tulane grad Patrick Ramsey who scored 4. Speaking of foresight, Moore thought the biggest question known to mankind was �How do we predict and avoid the common trait shared by Tony Mandarich, Brian Bosworth, and Desmond Howard?� Sadly, he forgot to mention Alphonso Carreker, Rich Campbell, Brent Fullwood, Vinnie �Toastmaster General� Clark, and Nick Barnett, but we know what they have in common. Moore, who sees himself as an Aragorn-type, neutral good, Ranger, gave kudos to Jamal Lewis who continued to run strong for 15. Troy Hambrick also had a good game with 14. Moore doesn�t like Jim Grey, although he had to be impressed by the time Grey interviewed Mike Tyson just after Tyson had bit Evander Holyfield�s ear off and Tyson went on and on about being a man in front of his children. Otherwise, we agree that Grey is somewhat annoying. Moore commented, �Congratulations to Peyton Manning, who scored 46 times as many points as the three quarterbacks on my roster combined. [We�re still checking the facts on that statistic] Our defensive flex performed well again, but too many players didn't show up on offense.�
Syracuse 44�s 90 Veaselicious Cookies Presented by Amber 57 The halls of Oshkosh North High School are saturated with the legend of the fiery inferno that can overcome Owner Dan Weitz. His hellfire and brimstone has been known to scare the unscareable and sometimes inspire the downtrodden. At other times, it leads to rash decisions (like the cutting of Trung Canidate) and out of control behavior as when his Cookies lose to his arch-nemesis, the Einar. Fortunately, Weitz has an excellent support system in his church, his friends, and the handful of meds he has to take each day. Yet, this past Sunday, upon seeing his team play below expectations, Weitz couldn�t take it anymore. During halftime, he was in the middle of one of the most dazzling speeches he had made (at least to his mind), when he spotted new recruit RB Joe Burns yawning. Veins burst in Weitz�s neck and before paramedics could be called, Weitz ripped off the lockerroom door and ran out of the stadium without leaving a note or giving instruction on how the team should play. Defensive coordinate and daughter of Dan, now 8-year-old Amber Weitz was forced to take over the team. A half with Amber wasn�t enough to seize victory from defeat, but a new era is upon the Cookies. What Amber saw on the field was more Spongebob Squarepants than Strawberry Shortcake, but there were some things to build on. For exampled, DL David Thornton, who was handpicked by Amber because of his ability to perform simple magic tricks (i.e. what�s that in your ear? A quarter?), scored the season�s first DF all pro game with 15 points. Amber said, �the defense gets the gameball, my dad always says that I need to be defensive about boys.� QB Tom �Not quite as cute as Greg� Brady chipped in with the only two TD for the Cookies and 12 points. Derrick Mason received Amber�s disdain because �he did zero points.� While pondering how Mason could be crappy, Amber (who sees herself as Mexican, 3rd grade, and good) asked, �How come a bakers dozen is thirteen instead of 12? because it is 1 more then what 12 is.� While Amber didn�t really know any sports reporters, she though imaginary �Bob Danndy wasn�t that great. Kind of sounds like daddy� While the Cookies were in disarray, Owner John Stoer and his 44�s took advantage for their second straight blowout win. WR Marvin Harrison was given the gameball for breaking out of a slump and scoring 28 points on three TD�s. Shannon Sharpe and Amos Zereoue chipped in TD�s. The creaky backfield of Vinny Testaverde, Jerome Bettis and Eddie George only managed 5 points. Their play reminded Stoer of his least favorite sport reporters, �Lupica is the obvious answer, but I've grown to dislike the pompous, self important, egomaniacs who write for SI, i.e Rick Reilly. He'll never get access to our clubhouse.� In fact, after the game Stoer directly questioned George by asking, �Why are our brains the size they are if we use such a relatively small percentage of them? Especially, you, Eddie!� Overall, Stoer commented, �I spotted trouble brewing on the opposing sideline when ex-arch nemesis Amber stormed down from the owner�s box to chew out the defensive backs for not quadruple teaming Marvin. Since she seemingly is going to be taking a more active role in the team, we are happy to get out with a win while we can, and we are not looking forward to the rematch.� For her part, Amber tried to explain her father�s behavior, �My dad went bonkers last night watching the game. He was saying/spitting something about how some guy named Harrison Ford I think, cost him the game in 2 leagues this week and also cost 2 of his other teams to go 0-3 to begin the season. So I'm taking over his team now because everyone knows that i was the best CEO the cookies ever had and my dad is a poopie-butt.�
Bull City Beers 103 Einar�s Lovable Losers 86 Quietly, Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen and his Lovable Losers had won each of the first three weeks of the season. No one seemed to notice, but the Losers were keeping pace with the Cubists at the top of the heap. Certainly Olsen hoped to remain anonymous and keep piling up the wins, but he had a major test in Week 4 � the reigning champion Bull City Beers who had just had their first sip of the W column in Week 3. The Beers were without two of their three keepers as Shaun Alexander was on the bye and Daunte Culpepper was on the bench with some fractured vertebrae. It did not matter as Owner Randy Chambers pressed all the right buttons. First, he started David Carr � it seemed like a bit of a gamble, but it was one that paid off as Carr scored 17 points and hit fellow Beer Jabar Gaffney for a score. Carr was given the gameball for his efforts. Torry Holt continued his fine consistency with 14 points. Chambers, who reckons that he�d �be dungeonmaster,� also put the onus on namesake Randy Moss who responded with his biggest game � 29 points on three TD�s, but Moss still didn�t block on running plays, resulting in Duce Staley�s �singleton.� Staley�s play reminded Chambers of �Paul �I'll tell you what, this guy...� McGuire is a candidate [for least favorite reporter] if you define reporter as "useless, loudmouth commentator". Otherwise, Deion.� We second both nominations and thanks for letting us know that you read the recaps. Mike Vanderjagt continued to be the league�s leading kicker as stupid Canadian split the uprights to the tune of 13 more points. Chambers had two choices for the biggest question left unanswered, ��Heads or Tails� and �Will 'Dubya' lead us to the end of mankind.� The answers are always pick heads because it is more positive and no, Bush, won�t lead us to the end of mankind because he will be beaten in 2004 by Dennis Kucinich. Meanwhile, the Losers were putting up their usual middlin� points. Fearing a debilitating McNair injury, the Einar benched his strong-willed QB who ended up scoring 23 points. Don�t bench McNair unless he is doubtful, questionable is a state of being for that guy. Jake Plummer still relished his first playing time of the season with 20 points and set up LaDainian Tomlinson for his second all pro game. Tomlinson scored two TD�s and 25 points. The Loser flexes did not show much muscle as the defense combined for 17 points and the offense eked out 8. Once again Olsen could not be found for comment on the game, but Chambers more than made up for his foe�s absence, �Great game! Great win! David Carr led a great charge from the bench. It's all about depth, baby. That's why we carry three QBs. The starter could get hurt and the backup could be drinking mai-tais in Hawaii. LaDainian and Plumber played gamely, but depth often beats a couple of all-pro performances.�
P-Miss Envy 86 Peaks Island Wookies 80 This battle was for a hint of respectability. If the Wookies had won, they would have been right back in the middle of the pack, despite not terribly impressive scores. If the Envy won, with all of the events taking place beforehand, they would only be two games out of first place. Not too shabby considering how meager their play had been to start. The game started out well for the Wookies who had weekly gameball receiver Drew Bledsoe step up big at the end of the game against the Eagles. Bledsoe had been contained in the first half, but when the Bills abandoned the running game, Drew started throwing frozen ropes all over the field. Bledsoe had his 2nd all pro performance with 21 points on two scores. Yet he was unable to inspire the receiving corps, two Rods and a branch, who combined for 8 points. His receivers play reminded Owner Will Mitchell of �Jerry Glanville and Deion Sanders � shut them up.� Then Mitchell asked, �Why do men have nipples?� William Green was also a poor stand in for Ricky Williams as the slow starting Green scored 4 points. Deuce McAlister was unhappy at not being placed at the starting RB slot, but score 17 points anyway. The newly installed defense played pretty well as Bly, Kearse and Harrison combined for 22 points, one less than the much more vaunted Envy D. While the Wookies never really took command on Sunday, the Envy did just enough to keep it close until the cavalry (or A-train) arrived. Donovan McNabb had his �best� game of the season with 8 points, but he is yet to score a TD. The Envy received both their first TE TD, Dallas Clark with 6, and their first all pro game, Chad Johnson with 16 points. Ray Lewis snatched the top defender mantle away from the Sam Cowart as he has now scored 40 points (against Cowart�s 39) for the season. Owner Perry Missner was reminded of the sanctimonious Mitch Albom (who clearly learned his piety at Brandeis) by the play of late replacement Michael Anderson. It clearly is not 2001 anymore. Going into Monday night, the Wookies held a 80-67 lead, but the Envy had three Bears going. The game started very slowly and was not pleasant to watch. At one point, it looked like the Envy would steal a win on the back of the Anthony Thomas who rumbled for a 60 yard score, flicking Packers hither and yon, but the play was called back due to a holding penalty on Missner enemy David Terrell. Later, Thomas broke another long run to secure the victory and there were no flags. Thomas, in his first start of the season, scored 13 points and along with Urlacher and Booker, helped the Envy to their first win and Missner to some time to think about �the biggest question is whether we are alone in the universe. If not, where the hell are the Klingons?� Missner commented further, �My Bears came through for me although they couldn't do it for themselves. I would take a Bears win over an Envy loss, but I'll make due. Donovan seems to be mirroring Sammy Sosa - start the season slowly, then dominate in the second half. My apologies to Will who only had two players show up - he needs Ben Coates to come out of retirement.� Mitchell agreed in less words, �my team sucks.�
Week 5 previews - With four teams tied for first place and three more teams just one game behind, the early season is looking like a mad scramble. Two 3-1 teams coming off of impressive Week 4 wins play each other when the Ballbusters and Brents face off. Owner Steve Johnson and Ballbuster QB Peyton Manning have a contentious history, so there may be some fireworks in store. At this point, it looks like Johnson will once again choose wisely and bench inbred moron QB Brent Farf, but this week for Trent Green. The Brents also introduce the league to Jay Bellamay of Bell Biv Davoe and Nick Barnett, master of the homosexual ritual mating call dance. The Busters have not changed their lineup but will be without Shaun Ellis who is on the bye. Johnson commented, �It just doesn't get easier, does it.� The Cubists look to lick their wounds against the suddenly sinking Wookies. Since their Week 1 win, the Owner Will Mitchell�s team has lost three in a row. Mitchell commented, �maybe we'll win one - who knows - aint playin right - im bummed - but the Red Sox are going to win it all this year!!!!!!!� That�s looking at the positive. Mitchell, whose team is 3-4 against the Cubists, will try out Ike Hilliard and Bobby Shaw in the flex. He also welcomes back Ricky Williams and Michael Barrow. Meanwhile, the Cubists are hit hard by the bye and will be without Todd Heap, Jamal Lewis and Sam Cowart. Will Owner Jason Moore show a lack of respect for Mitchell and not bother picking up a tight end? Moore commented, �The Wookies have always been a difficult matchup for us. Hopefully getting Tiki and Koren back from the bye will help our offensive rhythm.� The last 3-1 team is the Einar�s Lovable Losers. After losing to the Beers in Week 4, they get to look down upon the P-Miss Envy. This series is tied at 3 apiece, but Owner Perry Missner commented, �Ah, the Einar. I need to continue my winning streak (1) and continue his losing streak (1). We have no fear of Bubba Franks or the rest Losers over there.� Missner will go with a big back lineup of Thomas, Duckett, and Betts, while Chris Draft replaces Ray Lewis this week. The Einar has not changed his lineup yet, but we presume Steve �the Whiner� McNair will be back in the lineup as he knows all of Missner�s tricks. Two teams that are 2-2, but both riding two game winning streaks battle when the Bull City Beers meet the Syracuse 44�s. The Beers hold a 7-3 series advantage, but the 44�s have blown their last two opponents out. To change things up each owner is going with some new players. For Owner Randy Chambers, the new include Antwan Randel El and Darnerian McCants, while Owner John Stoer counters with recently released from suspension Jimmy Smith and rookie Ken Hamlin. Chambers commented, �Ugh. It's always tough to play the 44s, but with half my team on the bye,[Holt, Carr, Gaffney, Moss (Santana)], we'll again see how strong our bench is.� He�ll get no quarter from Stoer who said, �Bears, Beers, whatever. They are the defending champs and our first true test to see what kind of football team we are going to be this year. Are we going to be the type of team that rolls over onto our backs and lets Daunte and Randy and Shaun piss on our turf or are we going to growl and hiss and rip their throats out with our teeth? At least that's the analogy longtime Bear Jerome Bettis has been spitting out during team meetings this week. He's a little fired up to face his old mates.� At press time, Bettis is not in the lineup. Finally, we have the Veaselicios Cookies Presented by Amber taking on the winless County Coroners. Amber commented, �I hope they do good but we'll do better. Mad dogs Rule!! County Coroners Drool!!! Coroners go to Jupiter to get more stupider... Please send any trade offers to me Amber since my dad is wacko.� The Coroners have been the ones who have ruled the series, 6-2. Amber is going to try out hot hand Gus Frerotte along with Muhsin Muhammed and Dexter Jackson. Emmitt Smith also heads the lineup in what is sure to be an inspirational, albeit low scoring, return. Owner Chad Nuss has not changed his lineup but he will be without Lamar Gordon. Amber will need all the help she can get as the Raiders take on the seemingly toothless Bears.
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