San Francisco Cubists 93 Brentful Brents 66 Bret Hart has often said, �To be the best, you have to beat the best.� This was the situation Owner Steve Johnson found himself in. In the first two weeks of the season, the Brentful Brents had demolished overmatched competition, but in Week 3, they faced the similarly untarnished San Francisco Cubists. The show of respect that had been clear until game time vanished in a hurry. It was evident early on that both teams were going for blood, but the Brents were held back in their quest for a championship by an obvious void of leadership. Yes, inbred moron QB Brent Farf could neither rally the troops against the Cubists nor could he manage to push his Packers past the mighty Cardinals (who had been beaten 38-0 the previous week). This caused Johnson to comment, �Everyone else [gets the crapper]. Arizona?! Whaa...buu...huu...?! Arizona?! I should have been in the thousands! And Clinton, your a stud n' all, but could ya maybe finish 1 game?� Yes, Portis was Johnson�s Monday night hope, but two points aren�t going to get you anywhere. Johnson gave his gameball to �The lesser knowns. Moe and Hines [9 points apiece]. But let�s not forget the youngin Lelie [13 points] showing me up on the bench.� Mike Alstott, Mr. Tease, also had 14 points from the Brent bench. Johnson, who loves the Madden Marker, said that he believe that fantasy football is one of the most important rights � moreso than religion and just under free speech. The one thing these owners did agree upon was moist toilet paper � it made Johnson cringe, while Owner Jason Moore found it disturbing. For the Cubists, it was just business as usual. Moore noted, �No all-pro performances but we had pretty good balance. Congratulations to Todd Heap on his first Cubist TD after being called out by the media last week.� Yes, Heap had a pretty TD catch and 9 points, but didn�t get the gameball, which went to defense leader Sam Cowart and his 13 points. Cowart has accrued the most points by a defensive player through three weeks. Other TD�s were nabbed by Aaron Brooks, Jamal Lewis, and Koren Robinson. All of these players were outdone from the bench by Tulane alum Patrick Ramsey, who continues to confound critics by scoring 23 points. The bench is knocking Our Miss Brooks. Sadly, Corey Dillon did not score, even on an �exciting� screen pass for a TD. Moore voiced his most unalienable rights in a strange fashion: �Right to vote, right to remain silent, and right to paaaarrrrrr-tay.� And that�s just what the Cubists will do now that they have their best start since 2001, when they started 8-0. The win marked the first time a team had opened the season with three straight blowouts and only the Cubists have had more than three in a row.
Einar�s Lovable Losers 64 Veaselicious Cookies 43 The aftermath of the Cookies-Losers tilt is never a pretty sight. The victorious owner will end up mocking us all by doing some dance that should be criminalized. The losing owner usually needs a timeout and has to go to their room for extended time, while screaming a streak of profanities that would make George Carlin blush. The uneasiness that extends between the two enemies made the actual ugliness of this game a second priority. Clearly, both owners would rather win this than be a Modano champion, but only one can take the Ripon prize. This year, like every other year besides 2002, it was the Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen. Owner Dan Weitz thought he had countered the Losers main threat, Steve �Supiner� McNair by throwing main receiving threat Derrick Mason on the field. Sadly, the always cagey McNair worked around Mason, throwing two TD�s to other, lesser Titans. �Stevie MC� was given the gameball for his moxy, his TD throws, his 17 points, and his brilliant handoffs to LaDainian Tomlinson. Tomlinson had his first all-pro game with 16 points as he and McNair combined for more than 50% of the Losers points. The Einar, like most Packer fans, finds the coin toss to be the most exciting play of the game (because afterwards you know you are going to see a lot of what Weitz deems as the most exciting play �Farf interceptions, and lucky for me they happen all the time�). Being unable to contain McNair and Tomlinson, Weitz had to come up with a counter plan. Sadly, his team was only able to come up with two TD�s. QB Tom Brady his WR Chris Chambers for a score and the two combined for 19 points. Yet, Weitz refused to give out a gameball because �everyone�s job is in jeopardy. I told the crew a loss to that punk ass Einar meant they all should be looking for jobs at the local Denny's.� In other words, the local Denny�s has been flooded with under-qualified applications. Weitz then commented on his three unalienable rights, �1. Hate the Peckers 2. Watch TV with my hand in my pants ala Al Bundy 3. Nobody touches the Lawnmower but me. On the moist toilet paper issue, Weitz, an informed voice, said, �Seems to be an oxymoron to me but hey I dont work for the company that invented it. I can tell you old folks think its �da bomb.�� Cookies play was especially poor from keepers Marshall Faulk (2 pts.), Travis Henry (-3) and first time starter Peter Boulware (1). The DF scored only 9 points in total, one less than Ray Lewis. Overall, an unhappy but not undone Weitz said, �Well I see the Einar enjoys pulling a Tonya Harding on my guys, Henry and Faulk both reported a dude in a cheap Target wig assaulted them in the shower. Assaulting guys the shower seems to be Einars thing. Enjoy your quick start einar because this is a marathon baby not a sprint and according to Megan your endurance is lacking!!!� Ouch. The best counter the Einar could come up with was, �My season's main objective is complete, beat the Weasel.� These teams will meet again in Week 12.
Bull City Beers 62 Peaks Island Wookies 44 The fleeting taste of victory, one which Owner Randy Chambers enjoyed more than anyone in 2002, had become bitterness in 2003 as the Beers were unable to vanquish either Week One or Two foes. Did frustration consume Chambers? Partly. Were changes in the lineup necessary? Yes. Was he frightened by the concept of moist toilet paper? Definitely. Fortunately, Chambers had his usual whipping boy, Owner Will Mitchell and his Wookies, in town for a nice remedy. The Beers had slapped around the Wookies in 6 of their first 7 matchups, which included many of Daunte Culpepper�s finest moments. Culpepper was once again up to the task as he had his third straight all pro game and marched the Beers into scoring range multiple times. While he did not participate in what Chambers thought of as the most exciting �typical� play, �the late two point conversion attempt,� he did set K Mike Vanderjagt up for 12 points. While watching his team from his luxury suite, Chambers pontificated on what he thinks are his three most unalienable rights, �1. Right to Drink Beer. 2. Right to Watch NFL Football. 3. Right to do #1 & #2 at the same time.� No other Beer reached the endzone, but Shaun Alexander was given the gameball for assisting in the birth of his first child and playing � in the same 60 minutes. Jeremiah Trotter continued his spotty play since leaving the Philadelphia Eagles and P-Miss Envy in 2001. Mitchell�s gameplan was to use RB Ricky Williams until he puked, McNabb-style. With Drew Bledsoe (-3) generally ineffective, Williams was given the ball more times than ESPN�s Paul McGuire starts his sentences with �I�ll tell ya� or the more exclamatory �Let me tell you what!� Time to get a new phrase, buddy. Williams scored 13 points and the only other Wookie TD came on what Mitchell describes as the most exciting play in a typical game � �a deep ball� to Rod Gardner. Gardner is part of two team duos � the double Rob wideout set (with Rod �I�m no Prince Naseem Hamed� Smith) and the green team with Deion Branch. K Adam Vinatieri shared the gameball with Williams for his 11 kicking points. Mitchell opined that he liked moist toilet paper, but was saddened to announce that all of �our unalienable rights have all been taken away by Ashcroft, didn't you get the memo?� Probably most frustrating to Mitchell was his team�s tight end play. He benched Daniel Graham who scored 2 points, while starter Marcus Pollard scored 0. The Wookies, once known as the Tight End Factory, have received zero points through three weeks from their tight ends. A sullen Mitchell commented, �We are in disarray - it is time to right the ship in a hurry or this is going to be another long Wookie season.� Chambers wrapped the win up, thusly: �I was proud of Papa Shaun for not quitting on his teammates -- this Beer is for you. What Moxie! We finally stop scoring, but our defense shut Bledsoe and friends down. Thank you, Dave Wannstedt. I stayed up just long enough watching the MNF game to see Rod Smith get tossed, thereby sealing our first victory. Thank you, Mr. Smith for being even lamer than Jeremiah Trotter.�
Syracuse 44�s 77 County Coroners 33 The beginning of the season had been a disappointment for 44�s Owner John Stoer. His team had been losing, albeit competitively, but what had really stuck in his craw was that his team�s recaps had been buried at the #5 game. How�s this for progress? You are up to #4 in the first 44�s game that wasn�t at all competitive. Apparently, all the 44�s needed was a change at QB to get on the right track. Kelly Holcomb is now waiver wire trash, but Matt Hasselback is this week�s cat�s meow. Hassleback led all league QB�s with 19 points (in a week in which there were only 3 all-pro QB�s and 5 all pro performances overall). Hassleback�s performance was reminiscent of how Stoer feels about moist toilet paper, �Initially, the idea made me sort of uneasy in a gross, slimy sort of way, but upon minor reflection it would be a nice alternative to the dry stuff. Both should be offered since no two craps are alike. Good idea.� Stoer found Hasselback�s performance almost as exciting as the �The opening kickoff. Everything else is a letdown unless it's an overtime game and then it's the coin toss.� Two coin tosses? Who�d athunk it? Hasselback was backed up by two TD�s coming from the OF � Eddie George (12 pts.) and Amani Toomer (11). Amos Zereoue also had his best game with 6 points, but the gameball went to TE Shannon Sharpe, who �set the tone early in the week.� Sharpe is sure to exercise all of Stoer�s most unalienable rights, �1) The right to speak my damn mind, 2) the right to travel where I may, and 3) the right to drink beer, legally or illegally it don't matter to me.� For the Coroners, the season is not going in the right direction. In fact, it�s almost as ridiculous as every Packer having to do a special little dance every time he makes even an adequate play. C�mon Green Bay people, we know you are hopped up on steroids and other recreational drugs, but your dancing is demeaning to all of us. Sadly, the worst of these dances was contributed by Coroner Donald Driver � the headspin. Driver, like many of his cohorts, scored 0. The team was led by Anquan Boldin, who sliced the still dancing Packer D, for 6 and Philip Buchanon. Rich Gannon�s four were tied by Jerry Rice, Sebastian Janakowski, and Eric Barton. Tim Brown did not score and the Coroners have not received any points from the WR position this season. There was some hope from the Coroner bench though, as Kappa Kappa Kappa kegmeister Kerry Collins scored 27 and Peabo Bryson scored 10. Overall, a bemused Stoer along with Shannon Sharpe commented, �Shannon is out drinking from the trough after his TD reception against the Raiders otherwise he'd be gloating right about now...let me speak you fool, we kicked their [hemorrhoid-filled anal cavity] up and down....pardon me, Shannon gets a little excited sometimes...and hillbilly Seabass can pucker up his tequila-soaked lips and kiss my black...okay, okay, we were fortunate to win against a tough opponent, interview over.�
The Ballbusters 49 P-Miss Envy 48 Week 3 saw a lot of ugliness. Every game except one had a team scoring less than 50 points, but all of this ugliness seemed to coalesce in the first ever meeting of the Ballbusters and the Envy. The endzone was a very hard place to find (except for one special player) as both teams relied on their punters to get them field position and go for even field goals, which were also rare. The Ballbusters, were led, as always by their star runner, Priest Holmes. Holmes not only found the endzone once, but was admitted to that holy land twice. The Priest has now scored at least 20 points in each of his contests and joins Daunte Culpepper as the only three-time all pro player. He pretty much willed the Busters to the win and we�re sure that Owner Rich Joseph is at home right now thanking Rob Ouaou for picking him up a couple of years ago. The rest of the Buster lineup looked like finger numbers, except for Donte� Stallworth�s -2. The team recorded lows from the RB, WR, OF, K, DF, and score. On the bright side, Tony Gonzalez had his best game with three points. As ghastly as the day was for the Busters, the endzone was an even harder place to find for the Envy. They received no TD�s and were only in the game to the grace of their sublime defense. Ray Lewis was given the gameball for �leading the defense that almost gets us wins.� Keith Bulluck had his finest game with 12 and the defense totaled 26 points � 4 more than 8 offensive players. The worst among the offensive perpetrators was QB Joey Harrington, who was subbing for the heretofore equally inept Donovan McNabb. Harrington took away the last remaining Envy QB point and caused Owner Perry Missner to comment, �the Vikings D isn't that good and the Lions were at home. C�mon.� Harrington was given his walking papers soon after his game. Dallas Clark scored the team�s first two TE points, but led a number of unsuccessful attempts at what Missner believed was the most exciting play of a typical game: �4th and a yard or two. Everyone on the line and two forces smashing into each other.� The ever lowering score by the Envy reminded Missner of his views on moist toilet paper: �I like it. I've used it. It really gets you cleaner. Unfortunately, no one else wanted to try it, so it is gone.� As far as unalienable rights go, Missner has a quirky take on them. His read like this: �The right to wear pants at home - or not. The right to call anyone an inbred moron, especially if they truly are.. The right to privacy at work (thank god!)� As for the third straight loss to open the season for the Envy, Missner commented, �I guess that is as close as we are going to get to a win without scoring a TD. Kudos to Priest Holmes who pretty much beat us single handedly. TD's must be nice. Rich is a lucky stiff.�
Week 4 previews - Week 4 is upon us and hopefully the jerk giving out TD�s will be a bit more generous. Due to the lateness of this report, we have provided predicted score for the offensive players, given by those ESPN gurus Hector and Victor. They tend to give out too many points and do not deal with individual defensive players, but it will be an interesting tool. The top ranked Cubists take their first whack at the Ballbusters. We need not remind anyone that the Busters were once the Otters, need we? Due to byes, Owner Jason Moore must try out some new offensive players in the person of Charles Rogers and Troy Hambrick. Owner Rich Joseph counters with a now super well rested Peyton Manning and the league�s top scorer � 70 points through three games � Priest Holmes. David Boston is back in the lineup, although his pending suspension might hurt his playing time. Moore commented, �With a two game win streak, the Ballbusters clearly have a focus that was missing the last couple years. Depending on Dillon's status, we may be missing our entire offensive flex, so we'll need some young players to step up.� H&V predicted offensive score: Busters 111 Cubists 84. The still undefeated Losers will try to even their overall record against Bull City Beers at 3. Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen commented a la Harry Caray, �Lets start scoring some points.� His team is due for a letdown off the emotion win against the Cookies. Isaac Bruce is back in the Loser lineup and Matt Stover makes his kicking debut. For Owner Randy Chambers, Santana Moss (of no relation to Randy), Mike Brown, and Rob Morris make their debuts. Chambers noted, �You have to respect a team that is 3-0. Hopefully, Daunte can get healthy. If not, we trust in Brad Johnson, [on the bye] and will see if our D can slow down the Weasel Hunter.� H&V predicted offensive score: Losers 98 Beers 70. In a battle that has grown increasingly testy over the years, the Cookies and 44�s take to their arms. Owner Dan Weitz may have to retool his entire team as both RB�s Marshall Faulk and Travis Henry may be out. His three-headed monster is down to Curtis Martin � Oy. Yet, there is hope as Weitz has inserted the fabled �Difference Maker� Curtis Conway, who may take away the 44�s starting QB Vinny Testaverde�s best option. Owner John Stoer goes with a few of his own difference makers in Jerome Bettis and local favorite Kevin Johnson. He is also going with a completely retooled defense including Ed Reed, Jesse Armstead, and Darren Woodson. Stoer commented, �I am sure the Killas will be fired up to play following the devasting injury to their star tailback, Marshall Faulk. Injuries like that always inspire teams to pick up the slack and so we will have to rely on the timely veteran stewardship of one Vinny Testaverde to guide us through this difficult week unless of course someone wants to trade me a quarterback this week, no offense to Vinny and his infinite ability. Anyone?� Meanwhile, an enraged Weitz, whose team has lost 6 out of the 10 matchups, shouted, �Doesn�t matter who we play!! We�re friggin pissed and somebody is getting their ass beat!!� H&V predicted offensive score: Cookies 71 44�s 71. Owner Steve Johnson hopes to get back to winning as the Brents take on the league�s worst team, the County Coroners. Johnson has wisely gone back to QB Marc Bulger who can only bring the team to better places than incumbent Brent Farf. The Coroners have some hope riding on their non-Raider new runners � Stephen Davis back from the bye and Lamar Gordon, taking over the Ram RB position. The Brents have a 5-2 record against the Coroners and Johnson smugly said, �At least I have a geezer game to get my morale up.� H&V predicted offensive score: Brents 99 Coroners 90. Last and probably least we have the Wookies against the Envy. These teams have combined for one win this season, so that total will surely be doubled. Owner Will Mitchell�s team will be without one of his main guns in Ricky Williams. He has inserted William Green into the starting spot in hope of taking his record against the Envy to 6-1. Daniel Graham also returns to the lineup. Owner Perry Missner has made a lot of changes to his lineup with returning players. Donovan McNabb should be fresh from his week�s relaxation as should Marty Booker, Brian Urlacher, and Anthony Thomas. Bryant Johnson also makes his league debut, unless someone better becomes available. Missner commented, �I think we could beat the Wookies, except they have the one player I fear the most - Daniel "Grambo" Graham. Hopefully, the cobwebs have cleared from Donovan's head.� Mitchell commented, somewhat sarcastically it seems, �The Envy - always dangerous.� H&V predicted offensive score: Wookies 86 Envy 81.
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