Brentful Brents 119 P-Miss Envy 77 If one thing became clear in Modanoland in Week 2, it was that this ain�t Hollywood. Has the underdog ever failed in Hollywood? One could point to the original Rocky and perhaps Victory (any team with Pele has to be favorite, right?), but other than Sylvester Stallone, it�s a bunch of Angels in the Outfields and Mighty Ducks. If this were a Hollywood script, QB Donovan McNabb would shake off his Week 1 doldrums and become the league�s best pointmaker. Sadly, McNabb did not lead the underdog P-Miss Envy and they were whipped by the clearly superior team from Brentful. In a performance reminiscent of recent champions, Owner Steve Johnson stocked the lineup with players who came through. He gave gameballs to three members of the offensive flex, Larry (Laverneus), A-hole, and Moe who each had all-pro games and powered the team with 51 points. But where was Shemp? For the second straight week, Alge Crumpler found the endzone and had 9. Johnson, who believes that M-O-O-N spells bad TV remake, could not find fault with any of his players, �How could I be mad? Everyone on offense got at least 8! Just think if Portis had been in more than a half.� While many could point to this team as one on the rise, there was certainly something a bit different about the team�s Week 2 swagger. Missing was a key piece in the team which usually leads to their downfall. Yes, friends, we are talking about inbred moron QB Brent Farf, allegedly Johnson�s favorite player, who was relegated to the bench in favor of Marc Bulger, who scored 14 points on a couple of TD�s. Owner Perry Missner (whose favorite player was Walter Payton �rising, rising over the pile of humanity to gain admittance to the endzone � so sweet�) commented, �We give all due credit to the owner across the way, Steve Johnson. With one simple roster move, the benching of Brent Farf, he took away my team�s passion. The d-flex played well, but I would imagine their numbers would have been doubled had the hillbilly moron been on the other side.� He makes a good point. Perhaps it was Donovan McNabb was disappointed by not facing the team�s arch rival. Or �perhaps� Missner posited, �he is homesick for Syracuse, but I thought he was more of a professional than to upend my entire team. He�s earned a week in the corner to think about his play.� Missner, who thinks M-O-O-N spells winning (which might be indicative of something), handed the gameball to T.J. Duckett who �it was nice to see the big back get into the endzone � I hope the other players were taking notes.� Missner, by the way, would like to �see �Jesse �the Body� Ventura elected president. He has an interest in politics and his debating skills, honed under Bobby �the Brain� Heenan, are unparalleled. Minnesota didn�t go under with him at the helm, and I think the U.S. needs someone who �tells it like it is.�� Johnson for his part of the presidential debate thinks, �Bill Gates, Disney, and Time Warner will get rid of that little election soon enough.� A satisfied Johnson summed the game up thusly: �I couldn't hope to keep up with Pips D, and even T.J. scored twice, but, damn, look at my team pull together!�
San Francisco Cubists 105 County Coroners 44 There are some league owners and fanboys who still remember when the battle between the Coroners and Cubists used to have some cache. The Coroner fans still turn out in silver and black droves, but their confidence seems to be waning with each pasting by the Owner Jason Moore�s team. In Week 2 of 2003, the Coroner fans saw their worst thrashing yet. Owner Chad Callahan Nuss had some belief that his team would score a number of points as the Raiders faced the weak Cincinnati Bengals. While the Raiders managed to score 23 points in a taut finished game, none of the TD�s went to active Raiders. Oh, Oh, the irony! Callahan Nuss looked in dismay as Tyrone Wheatley, who is not even on the Coroner roster, scored an early TD and DB Philip Buchanon (21 pts.) took an interception to the house to complete the Raider scoring. Yes, there was K Sebastian Janakowski who pounded home 11 points, but no other Coroners got ink. Among the poor were reigning MVP Rich Gannon (3 pts.), Zack Crockett (1 pt.), Jeriatric Rice (1 pt.) and to no one�s surprise Vonnie Holiday (1 pt.). Neither Doug Jolley nor Tim Brown was able to score and the Coroners have 0 points from their starting WR so far this season. The entire Coroner team may have been held spellbound by Cubists� RB Jamal Lewis who smashed his way to a NFL record in yards and 31 points for his team. Of course, he was given the gameball. Moore, who wasn�t sure if M-O-O-N spelled Warren or Rison [neither], also received an all pro performance from QB Aaron Brooks (18 pts.). Jason Elam continued his consistency with his second consecutive 13. Sam Cowart led the defense with 12 points and Terrell Owens and Corey Dillon both scored TD�s nicely. Speaking of consistency, Moore used the same lineup for the first two weeks � as did three other teams, but all of those teams (Beers, Wookies, and 44�s) lost. Despite winning by the largest margin of the season, there were a few disappointments for the Cubists, including Tiki Barber (1 pt.), especially reviled Koren Robinson (0 pts.), and Todd Heap � let the era begin! � with a cheerio. Moore believes that Scott Bakula would make a good president because of �all his experience solving problems in Quantum Leap which should help. It would be a much better use of his time than a Star Trek franchise.� Moore celebrated his franchise�s 60th win by saying, �It was nice to see Tyrone Wheatley in the end zone. Jamal Lewis came up big, and Aaron Brooks looked a little more comfortable this week.� The Cubists have now beaten the Coroners more time (8) than any other in their history.
The Ballbusters 103 Bull City Beers 77 Some wise band, be it Toto, Africa, or Foreigner, once sang a song about the joys of the first time, the very first time. While Owner Rich Joseph may or may not enjoy that song, he assuredly felt elated upon watching his charges make there way to their very first win in Modano country against the defending champion no less. Joseph used a formula that would have made Rob Ouaou proud � let Priest do the work. Holmes scored a mighty 3 TD�s and 26 points and has combined for 49 points in two games. The Busters used the old start with the run to open the pass to allow QB Jeff Garcia to score 16 and throw TD balls to Donte Stallworth and Tai Streets (nice call on that one). Everyone was happy with all of the points except incumbent QB Peyton Manning who has had to deal with a great deal during his years in the league. From inbrededness to absentee ownership and back again to the bench, Manning has become a disconsolate soul. Manning, who scored 11 points from the pine, was reportedly more disappointed in Joseph than the owner was in Peerless Price (2 pts.). From now on, Manning has let Joseph (who believes that M-O-O-N spells Warren moon [Wrong!]) know that he will do anything he can resemble Gapshot favorite Joe Montana. While the Busters can take a lot of credit for putting up the points for the win, the whole league has begun to wonder what has gone wrong in Bull City. Was it the changing of one vowel that led the team to morph from a ferocious animal to pee-like substance? Possibly. Was it that Owner Randy Chambers would like a wuss president? (Chambers said that next president should be �Anyone other than a professional jock [i.e. no Bill Bradley or Kobe Bryant]. Jocks are the only people who are as small-minded and self-righteous as our current �president.� Anyone else has to be an improvement over W.�) The Beers fell to 0-2 for the first time in their history and also allowed 100+ points in consecutive games for the first time. One small fact that should be noted that although they are 0-2, the Beers are the third highest scoring team and have been the highest scoring team to lose in each week (tied with the Envy in Week 2). Chambers was pleased by the �keeker� Mike Vanderjagt who had the first all pro game from that position. Daunte Culpepper also rang the bell for 17 points on a couple of TD�s. Their performances, along with the TD�s of Shaun Alexander, Randy McMichael, and Duce Staley, reminded Chambers of his favorite players of yesteryear � �Art Monk and Sweetness as well as Jeff Bostic and Riggo.� Eponymous Randy Moss was blanketed for 1 point, but he wasn�t as sad as �Easily not as good as he used to be� Ed McCafferty who �cannot blame Plumber anymore, he couldn�t even get open for Beuerlein. Eddie is off my island.� Chambers won the spelling bee by correctly answering that M-O-O-N spells �the number in win column � butt ugly!� Furthermore, Chambers said, �We went out to win this one for the late, great John Ritter � a true genius of physical comedy. I feel like we let down tens of millions of fans of Three�s Company, 8 Teenage Girls, and that silly southern sitcom Wager worked for [Hearts Afire co-starring Markie Post]. The next win is for you, Ritter buddy.�
Veaselicious Cookies 95 Peaks Island Wookies 72 No one would ever claim that Owner Dan Weitz lives in a land made by his own delusions. Despite this fact, one would have to at least make a face when hearing that Weitz believes that �he would make a good president � for obvious reasons.� What reasons are those? His foreign policy? His ability to bridge cultural divides? His plans for national healthcare. Probably not, but if his team continues to win, why would a presidency be that far off? Only in the second week of the season, the Cookies are already in unchartered waters. The Cookies were led to 2-0 for the first time by a pair of three TD scorers � Tom Brady and Travis Henry. Henry, despite having one of the worst three TD games on record � 19 points, was given the gameball. Marshall Faulk brought back memories of his glory years with a TD and 11 points. Speaking of glory years, Weitz mentioned his favorite player is current Arizona Cardinal star Emmitt Smith. Go Cardinals! Speaking of faded stars, we come to Curtis Martin who scored another 2 points and caused Weitz to give a bit of credit to fellow Owner Perry Missner, �I should have taken Moulds.� Meanwhile, the Wookies relied on their Drew-Double-Back-Attack� a bit too heavily as those three players played well but couldn�t shoulder the entire load. Drew was given the gameball, as he almost always is, for his 22 points and the backs combined for another 29. That left another 21 points to be spread among 8 players. Phew. The defense displeased Owner Will Mitchell most by only scoring 7 points � a season DF low. TE Daniel �Grambo� Graham has not reminded Mitchell at all of his favorite player of all time � Ben Coates. And wasn�t during the Coates era that Mitchell pick for president Bill Clinton was in office? Said Mitchell � all in one breath, �Bill Clinton - he led us through 8 years of smart, moderate policy changes, into an unsurpassed economic boom with mild pain to secure a bright financial future. No one can argue with his achievements. And everyone freaks out cause he's gettin some on the side from the intern. Fast forward to today - economic disaster, complete worldwide alienation, total recall of civil liberties, an unprecedented attack on environmental rules, and basic control of power by corporate interests. [Bush] lied to us about the war, he's reamed us on tax cuts and the budget, and really needs to be impeached. Let's face it - Bush is setting us up for the biggest fall in centuries. Sorry...was that more than you wanted?� Yes, it was (but we printed the entire thing!) and no more political questions, we promise (or as Weitz put it, �Who writes these questions, Elmo?�) Mitchell further commented on the state of affairs: �I lost � with a performance that would have only beaten the Coroners.� Weitz rebutted, stealing a page from Fred Carter, �2-0 on our way to the championship. Everyone loves a cookie what the hell is a Wookie WORD!!!�
Einar�s Lovable Losers 78 Syracuse 44�s 74 Owner John Stoer is back! He has ended his odyssey and found unpleasant things at home. For starters, no Penelope, but worse than that, his ass groove has gone unattended for weeks. With much work to do, Stoer sat his fanny down and began to his groove thang. Unfortunately, it is not easy to sit and simply take it when your team is coming oh, so close to winning without getting that first notch in the �W� column. Stoer can count on his K Jeff Reed to never give him the boot, as Reed had a pleasant 9 points. Marvin Harrison also had a Sunday TD to help the 44�s along their way, but Stoer was not happy with starting QB Kelly �Girl�s name, girl�s game� Holcomb, who scored a TD but just three points. Stoer exclaimed with gusto, �We are 0-2 instead of 2-0 for one simple, glaring reason. Kelly Holcomb. Fiedler (17 pts) and Hasselbeck (23 pts.) are rotting on the bench while Kelly is sniffing jocks out on the field. I generally prefer not to single out an individual but in this case I want to say publicly: Screw You Kelly Holcomb. Go put your panties back on, sit on the bench, and crochet me a nice sweater or something.� Now, for real, presidential leadership, Stoer often these gems: �You need a leader who will stand up and be the lone shining light when the world is lost, adrift, and seemingly hopeless. A man who in the face of adversity is not afraid to say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done. A man who by sheer force of will sets the moral tone of a nation and that person is...Hugh Hefner.� The only problem with that choice would be our national deficit would be increased due to importing of silicone from Canada. Meanwhile, the Einar and his team were blithely doing what they do: minding their own business, scoring a TD here and there, and scraping by with a win. It must be Week 2 since Steve �Get thee to a Recliner� McNair got hurt. McNair battled his way to a TD and 7 points but dislocated a finger on the journey. Time for another implant. Plaxico Burress and Edgerrin James led the team with twin TD�s and 14�s. The Loser D played reasonably well with a combined 23 points, led by Takeo Spikes� 10. The 44�s had a chance on Monday night to possibly climb into a win with both Jeremy Shockey and Amani Toomer going. Each scored TD�s, reminding Stoer of Art Monk (Skins and 'Cuse, baby!), and their combined 21 points were enough to overcome the 20 point Monday margin. However, Owner Steve �Einar� Olsen had one last bullet in his chamber, former 44 Roy Williams who gave the Einar an unblemished record with 5 extra points. While 2002 made a lot of people forget about the proud Loser history, the Einar�s team did start out 4-0 in 2001 and could be headed in the right direction this year.
Week 2 previews - Whoa, doctor! When the little elf who made the schedule used his magic pen to write out the Week 3 schedule, there is no way he could have known what excitement he could have wrought. All four of the undefeated teams face each other, so that the league will only have two undefeated teams by this time next week. We start off with the grudge match beyond grudge matches: Cookies and Losers � this league�s Montagues and Capulets. Last year, the Cookies took their first victory away from the Losers and hope to build this into a streak. Dan Weitz commented, �Einar is the biggest bitch of all so we're going to slap him so hard he will scream like the little girl he is. Enjoy your undefeated record because next week you will be at the bottom with only the P-miss to envy.� Ouch. At reporting date, the Cookies have no TE and their 6th round draft choice K David Akers (5 points total) and one DF slot are on the bye. Joe Horn has replaced Isaac Bruce and John Mobley makes his debut for the Einar, but that is the only change at this point. The other mega-matchup features the league�s two highest scoring teams � the Brents and Cubists. Owner Jason Moore has generally owned this matchup, winning 5 of the 7 contests, but the teams split last year. Owner Steve Johnson may be making a huge mistake by reinserting QB Brent Farf as the Cardinal defense can be quite staunch. Jay Foreman makes his Brent debut. For the third straight week, the Cubists are employing the same lineup. Moore said, �We can't possibly hope to compete with the Bretts. Their shrewd keepers, brilliant draft strategy, andsavvy game-day maneuvering leave them practically invincible. We just hope not to get blown out.� Here�s a Kleenex for you Jamo to wipe that brown stuff off your nose. Johnson demurred, �Big Game! I'll have to score triple digits again to hope and pull this one out.� The Bull City Beers try to right the ship against a team they have had repeated success against, the Peaks Island Wookies. The Beers have a 6-1 record against the Wookies, although Owner Will Mitchell�s team notched their first win against Bull City in 2002. Both teams are using a bunch of new players. Owner Randy Chambers is giving Jabar Gaffney and Josh Reed, while the Wookies try Marcus Pollard, Rod �and Todd� Gardner, Michael Barrow, and Rodney Harrison. Mitchell said M-O-O-N spells, �Another name for that part of the anatomy the Wookies will kick in week 3 when we snap out of it and return to form.� That�s the spirit! He added, �Look for some shakeup on the Wookie DL. Other than that, I'm letting Graham sit to mature a game and feel the pressure. And my WRs will perform or pay. The Beers will be tough but the season is young and Drew is going to carry us...� Chambers commented, �I hope our defense can *$%)#@ tackle someone. Giving up 100+ points two weeks in a row... not acceptable.� The Wookies have only scored 128 points in two games, so it is unlikely that the streak will continue. Fantasy baseball combatants, Owners Rich Joseph and Perry Missner, take their first whack at each other as the Envy try to get of the schneid. The Envy might be handicapped by not having QB Donovan McNabb, but he has been playing so poorly it may just help. Missner commented, �While my fantasy baseball team, the Imperrible Missions, aren�t going to catch Rich�s Gapshots, this would be a sweet win for us. We are without our leader, Brian Urlacher, and our lineup has some major holes, but we are excited to hear that Priest is questionable. As a Cub fan, I have learned there is always hope.� The Missners debut Ladell Betts and Chris Draft and for some reason Antowain Smith is back in the lineup. Joesph said, �We're a rollin'.....watchout!� and goes with the same lineup. And in the final matchup, someone is going to enter Week 4 with a win. Neither the 44�s nor the Coroners have looked too good this season, but it is never to late to turn it up a notch. Speaking of turning up the volume, Owner John Stoer said, �I was going to comment, but Shannon Sharpe asked to say a few words and since it is impossible to shut him up I thought I'd let him do the talking for us. "I [really] hate the Raiders. [S?]-U-C-K-I-N-G H-A-T-E!! They cheat. Everyone knows they cheat. They're cheaters plain and simple, so throw out the rulebook for this game beacuse we are going to give as good as we get. You hear me Romanowski, you so much as look at me funny, I'll kick your ass as I'm spiking the ball in your goofy, fat face." Whoah! That�s some ramble rousing. The 44�s have won 7 out of the 9 matchups and as promised have started Matt Hasselback over Kelly Holcomb. Julian Peterson and Kevin Johnson make their debut. The Coroners bring back Philip Buchanon in hopes that he will score another TD � good luck.
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