Bull City Beers 73 P-Miss Envy 71 If Owner Randy Chambers was going to lay claim to his second consecutive Modano Mi Hermano championship, he would have to do so against the darling of the league, the P-Miss Envy who were coming off their first two gaem win streak of the season. Chambers knew his defense would be bludgeoned by the big back runners of the Envy who had succeeded in defeating the Cookies and 44’s in the previous weeks. Knowing he would need more run support than Ronde Barber could provide, the crafty Chambers plugged Dre Bly (6/42) into the lineup. While Bly has never been known as a run stuffer, his insertion proved inspired as he scored 6 more points than the sitting Barber. Chambers had some reason to worry, however, due to his main duo – Daunte Culpepper (14/261) and Randy Moss (16/200) – being bottled up by the Arizona heat. Culpepper and Moss did connect for one TD and 20 points. Shaun Alexander (15/177) ran in for the third and final Beer score. Santana Moss, a possible Sneaky Pete award winner, was held to 3 against the team that drafted him. Meanwhile, the Bly-led defense held the Envy offense in check. Owner Perry Missner had hoped for a full game from Rex Grossman (2/18), but those slimy dogs on the Kansas City Chief defense roughed him by breaking his finger, causing the Bears to use the two QB’s who had no success – Slash and Crystal. With Grossman sitting, Anthony Thomas (11/96) could not get the coal in the locomotion and had to be satisfied with 4 points. The only Envy TD came from Ricky Williams (16/151) who finished with 14 points. The only reason the Envy were able to compete was their much maligned D-flex. It is not that the Envy D-flex did not play well, relative to the other teams in the league. But when you have two returning keepers on the defensive side of the ball, you expect more than eking out the league D-flex #1 ranking. Keith Bulluck (16/154), who earned another gameball, led the squad with his third all pro game of 15 and Brian Urlacher (16/103) shook off the doldrums to score in double figures for only the second time this season. It is uncertain whether either of those players will be back with the Envy. Coming into Sunday night, the Envy held a 71-70 lead, but Jerome Bettis (9/47) was left to play. Both Missner and Chambers actively watched as Bettis tried to penetrate the Raven D. Just as Bettis crossed the 50 yard gained mark, Missner flipped off the light and went to bed, but more remarkable things were happening in the Chambers’ household. Just as Bettis went down with the required yards for the victory, Chambers’ wife, Heather, went into labor and soon after safely produced a new heir to the Bull City throne, Alexa Hayden. Congratulations to the Chambers family. Bettis was given the gameball because he“saved my hide on Sunday night.” Missner, whose team struggled through its worst season, said, “We gave it our all in an effort to leave no ties at the top. Sadly, Rex got banged up, otherwise, I am sure we would have won. We didn’t really get much help in determining that third keeper, so I am going to let it breath for a few days before picking a guy to go with Chad and Ricky.” Overwhelmed with emotion on the addition to his family as well as the championship, Chambers still had a bit of venom for Mother F$(%)!)ing Mike Shanahan., “Shanahan is a wimp. Sitting your QB, unannounced, when your opponent is fighting for the playoffs is lame-o. If he plays Plummer, maybe the Einar breaks the title tie. Alas. Fortunately, my guys fought their way to victory. We are honored with a championship, anyway it comes.”
The Ballbusters 91 Einar’s Lovable Losers 80 Within the by-laws of the Modano Mi Hermano corporate constitution, the recently drafted rules for tie-breaking were written – based on a vote of the league’s members. Based on these results, Owner Rich Joseph knew that his team would have to win against the Losers in Week 17 and outscore the Beers by 21 points. Joseph made the somewhat risky play of putting Jeff Garcia (5/77) in the lineup as he had not forgotten that the benching of Garcia had cost him the Week 1 loss to the Cookies. Owner Steve “the Einar” Olsen also made a risky QB play with Jake Plummer (3/26) who was supposed to play against the Einar’s favorite Peckers. Sadly, Plummer never got the chance as the aforementioned Mike Shanahan decided to bench the entire starting Bronco roster and put his buddies the Packers into the playoffs. Here’s hoping the Broncos get routed by the Colts and the Packers and Seahawks destroy each other. Joseph’s decision played out well, as it usually did this season, as Garcia came through with 18 points. Joseph only named Garcia the starter 5 times this season, but the 49er QB came through with 4 all pro performances in those starts. By the way, Joseph enjoyed 1984 as much as any science fiction book he ever read and often referred to himself as Big Brother. One of the plays the Ballbusters relied on most this season was the simple handoff to Priest Holmes (16/284). Holmes ran for another 15 points in an unprecedented 12th all pro game. Yet Joseph decided to give the gameball to his K John Kasay (4/35): “Wow!” Kasay’s 13 points not only lifted the entire team but also kept the Busters from having the worst rated K slot. The Busters also received TD’s from Steve Smith (10/88) and T.J. Duckett (11/64) to overcome the lackluster play of their D-flex – aka child star London Taylor Thomas – who combined for 12 points. Joseph was most disappointed by Keenan McCardell (10/62) as he shouted “Terrible!” McCardell could never be on the pre-game show because he is not a “crowd pleaser.” Despite being QB-less, the Losers put up a decent fight. Ahole “Put it on the” Green (16/245) managed to hold onto the ball against the third string Denver defense and ran for 26 points. Edgerrin James (14/148) continued his resurgence with 16 and Keith Brooking (13/111) ended the season on a high note of 14. Unfortunately, Plummer’s absence hurt the play of Plaxico Burress (9/34) and debuting James Thrash (1/1). While the Busters only outscored the Beers by 20 points, losing on total points by 0.5 points, their sweep of the Cubists allowed them to share the title with the Beers based on quality of victories subtracted by shame of losses. Joseph commented, “Not pretty but the defense won it for us as well as a little last minute benching.”
Veaselicious Cookies 105 San Francisco Cubists 90.5 While there might not have been a lot to be interested in when viewing this battle from the surface, a closer look revealed a number of opposite streaks that could be broken if the results fell right – and they did. In his many years of Modano action, Owner Dan Weitz has never seen the plus side of .500 at season’s end. On the other side of the action, Owner Jason Moore – a three time champion – had never seen the dark side of .500 and was in jeopardy of meeting the ooze that lives down there. Tom Brady (10/159) got things rolling in the right direction for the Cookies with a startling 28 points outbreak on Saturday. He was not helped by Travis Henry (13/112) or Brian Westbrook (7/63) who each had a point but Chad Brown (11/80) had 13. For the Cubists, things also started out rosily as Koren Robinson (9/41) had his best game with 12 points. If Robinson was going to score 12 points in place of Terrell Owens, who knew what heights were obtainable for the Cubists. The team continued to play well on Sunday with rookie Dominick Davis (9/100) leading the charge with 20 points and a gameball. Team MVP Jamal Lewis (16/200) had another 10 points and Moore made the right decision by benching Tommy Maddox, who had -9, for Aaron Brooks (9/123) who had 14. Could Brooks, who ends up on the Cubists every year anyway, be the third Cubist keeper? Donnie Edwards (14/125.5) led the D-flex with 15.5 points for his first all-pro performance. Moore touted his players thusly, “, Jamal Lewis was the only one who deserves any consideration for MVP, and Tiki Barber's inability to score was pretty disappointing when combined with his fumbles. Domanick Davis was a nice rookie find, and last but not least, Donnie Edwards had an outstanding year at defensive flex...” Buoyed by Brady’s Saturday play, the Cookie WR corps went wild as Chris Chambers (16/130) and Derrick Mason (16/134) each had all-pro days in combining for 34 points. Marshall Faulk (12/130) also ended his season in style with 10 points and the 8th Cookie TD. With all of these candidates to pass the gameball to, Weitz went another direction. “I give the gameball to myself, with out my leadership my team would have crumbled around the "Care Bear" style coaching of Amber. I'm starting training camp right now for my 3 keepers, they are going to have no booze, no women, and no Amber for the next 8 months.” “Dune Books Rule!” he added. Amber could not be reached for comment as she has literally disappeared from the Modano landscape. The always divided Weitz also gave himself scorn along with “the Pathetic Vikings ruined this year. [I also am disappointed in] myself for not bringing enough negative Karma to cause a Pecker loss at Lambeau and not having enough [cajones] to hit Farf with batteries.” How sweet would have that have been? Overall, Weitz commented, “YESS above .500 but DAMN them [disgustin’] Peckers. I have seen enough Puke green and Piss Yellow to last a lifetime. Excuse me now while I take a bath in bleach with steel wool to try and remove the Pecker Stench. “Missner please put me out of my misery I don’t want to live anymore......” Phew, take it easy, the Packers did not beat anyone good all season (no, the Seahawks do not count) so they should not be around in the playoffs for long. It was a more somber atmosphere in the Cubist locker room as Moore commented, “A fitting end to this lackluster season. Congratulations to the co-champs... will there by trouble in Beerland now that Maya has to share the team with Alexa?”
Syracuse 44’s 84 Brentful Brents 70 It has been a good season for Owner Steve Johnson’s Brentful Brents. For the second year in a row, he has had his team playing for the championship in December, so no one can blame them if they were satisfied with their accomplishments and decided to go home a bit early. We call it the “that’s it for Mikebo” syndrome. Despite being just one game out of first place, the Brents came out completely flat as only one player seemed to have the desire to push for a championship – LaDainian Tomlinson (16/255) who battled his way to 29 points and his 10th all pro game. Johnson commented, “He just keeps going, and if [the Chargers] get line help in the off season, things will just keep going up.” For Owner John Stoer, the team also had one sparkling performance. As good as Tomlinson was, Donovan “the Great” McNabb (12/135) was better. McNabb through for a season high four TD’s and 33 points as what started out as a lamb turned into a lion. Stoer said, “I’ll never doubt Donovan again.” Donovan did have some support though. Fellow Syracuse alum Gary Anderson (6/64) had 15 points to allow the 44’s to have the distinction of being the only team to have an all pro at every position (QB, RB, WR, TE, K, DF). The 44’s also received yet another 11 points from Ray Lewis (16/173.5), prompting Stoer to tout, “Realistically, I have only one player who deserves an award and that Ray Lewis for the Don Sweeney Award. I'd tout him, build him up, but I think his play speaks for itself. Can you think of another defensive player you'd rather have?” Shannon “Horseface” Sharpe (11/68) showed why once a brother of a packer, always a brother of a packer as he let puny Coach Shanahan dictate whether he was going to play or not. Yet Sharpe has at least two of the required elements to be a pre-game show performer, named by Stoer: “Brains, brawn, boobs or buffoonery.” There requirements were also named by Johnson as “Someone “the View” feels superior to.” Johnson did not specify who disappointed him as he said, “My whole team took the last 2 weeks off so I can't pin it on anyone specific.” Among the players taking the game off were: Marc Bulger (10/124), Hines Ward (10/135), Alge Crumpler (12/38 – he had 21 points after two games), and Reggie Wayne (5/25). Still, Johnson sounded upbeat in his season review and interview with Bill Jartz, “I had a good season and kept it interesting, and gave me a all time winning record, so I'm happy with my team. Hail the champs as they deserved it.” Stoer echoed some of Johnson’s thoughts, “We said a few weeks ago that we would beat the Brents and my two fearless leaders-Donovan McNabb and Ray Lewis- made it so. It was a disappointing season full of chaos and confusion, but hopefully we can build on a few things for next season. Congrats to the Beers and Ballbusters, worthy co-champs.”
Peaks Island Wookies 77 County Coroners 49 What has happened to Owner Chad Nuss? His team, the County Coroners, were once renowned for relying on defense and kicking to bring the ever hungry County wins, have fallen on hard times. Nuss, also once renowned for his love of the Oakland Raiders, has had a tough season with the Raiders falling into the abyss and his Coroners suffering mightily for it. As he had in recent weeks, Nuss bet on his team to win in order to settle his growing gambling debts. No bookie was willing to give him points, but Nuss knew that he had beaten the Wookies earlier in the season and his team could repeat the win. Not helping his own cause, Nuss left Kerry Collins (10/59) in the lineup. Collins closed his once promising season with -1 points in the last four weeks, prompting some to wonder who had been hitting the keg too hard. The Coroners did receive a couple of TD’s from Stephen Davis (15/129) and Philip Buchanon (15/86), but neither they nor rookie Charles Tillman (10/83) were able to rally the Coroners into a plus 50 total. For Owner Will Mitchell, he took a cue from the loathsome Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy in that the universe is ruled by the number 42 and you should kick a man when he is down. The Wookies jumped out to an excellent start on Saturday as Mitchell watched his beloved Pats destroy his old buddy Drew Bledsoe. Troy Brown (6/17) had his best game of the season with 10 and budding Daniel Graham (11/37) scored a TD. The all-Pats defense also chipped in 29 points. On Sunday, the Wookies continued to yelp as Mike Vick (3/30) scooted for his second straight all pro game with 16. The new recruits in the O-flex, Kelly Campbell (2/2) and Johnnie Morton (3/15), did not do much, but that may have been due to the fact that they knew they weren’t coming back in 2004. Yes, in the way of gameballs, Mitchell named his three keepers: “Mr. Vick, Mr. McCallister, and Mr. Graham - the Wookies of the future.” McAllister (16/174) had three points to close out his 2003 season. Mitchell commented, “My pats D whooped up on the released and humiliated Mr. Bledsoe...who cost the other wookies this years VBFL championship and was run off the islandinto freezing waters of Casco Bay. Sorry Drew.” No need to apologize. As for the continuing saga of Chad Nuss, it is very difficult to get any reliable news as the media has had to rely on secondhand sources and overheard conversations. From what we can discern, Nuss has gone on the run from his various bookies and could be currently hiding out in Costa Rica, Omro, or possibly, Tikrit. Whether he is able to contact league offices and submit his keepers or whether his team goes into receivership is anyone’s guess. We’ll try to update you on the situation as we learn more information.
Year End Voting Instructions – The polls are now open. Due to too many ties last year in the different categories, we have adopted the Jamo method of voting. The scoring for the Sweeney, Pussier, Sneaky Pete and Weinrich voting will be on a 5-3-1 basis. The scoring for the La-la-la-lafontaine voting will be 10-5-3-2-1. Hopefully, there will be fewer ties and those who deserve the awards will win them. Please comment as much as you would like on each awards and your voice shall be heard. There is also a space to announce your keepers and your thoughts for 2002. The members of the media would like to take a moment for a special thank you to the owners who obliged us and gave us access to the locker rooms after the games. We know it is an imposition to have a microphone thrust in your face after a tough win or loss and we appreciate your candid thoughts.
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