Einar�s Lovable Losers 76 Brentful Brents 63 With a win against the Losers, Owner Steve Johnson knew that he could accomplish two things: he would keep his place in the three way tie for first and eliminate any thoughts of a Loser championship. All week during practice, Johnson pushed his players, �Come on! Keep it up! Keep it up!� He had started saying those 8 words at the end of Week 15 and hadn�t stopped all week. Some of his players asked for a more detailed game plan, but Johnson continually repeated, �Come on! Keep it up! Keep it up!� When the Friday ritual pre-fight dinner rolled around, the assistant coaches asked Johnson how they were going to defend against former Brent Ahole �Put it on the� Green (15/219), Johnson tapped his temple and said, �Come on! Keep it up! Keep it up!� Later that night, passers by of Johnson�s hotel room could hear the owner chanted in a deep mantra, �Come on! Keep it up! Keep it up!� While it seemed Johnson had a clear plan of what he wanted to do, he was not able to communicate it to his team. The Saturday-playing Brents were a mess, led by Trent Green (4/54) who did magical work handing off to Priest Holmes, but was unable to score much on his own. Breaking his mantra on Saturday evening, Johnson said, �Green, and myself. Green was throwing 300+ and 2 TDs a game. Then he goes against the [malodorous] D of the Vikes and comes away with nothing.� Former Envy Chris Draft (9/73) led the Brents with 9, but was trumped by Keith Brooking (12/97) of the Losers who had 12. On Sunday, the Losers took control behind severely limping Steve �Air� McNair (13/203), who overcame a serious situation with his nano-implants to throw for a couple of TD�s and 17 points. McNair was supplemented by RB Edgerrin James (13/132) who had a TD and 8 points. It seemed as the Einar players were on their own again as Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen was not able to attend either Saturday or Sunday game due to his previous engagement as Santa at the Fox River Mall. According to league records, the Einar has not even browsed his team since December 3, which essentially means no championship for you. The Brents were able to fire back to some extent on Sunday as LaDainian Tomlinson (15/226) had his 9th all pro game and Hines Ward (15/135) scored 14 more. Johnson refused to give Tomlinson or Ward the gameball, giving it to bench lackey Brent Farf �for obvious reasons.� Sadly, those reasons were not as obvious to anyone beyond the Packer inner circle as it seemed that Farf�s performance was the kind in which he just threw it as far as he could, while the Raider double- and triple-teaming defenders were too inept to cover the single receiver. With the game close heading into Sunday night, Johnson flew in Chris Rock to lighten a rather tense locker room. No one makes Johnson laugh like Rock, �It�s funny because it�s true.� Unfortunately, Rock made Clinton Portis (13/201) and Reggie Wayne (4/23) laugh so hard that neither could play on Sunday night. In fact, the entire Brent O-flex, which had been leading the league, went scoreless � setting a new league record. Johnson had one last hope with his team down by 10 points with K Ryan Longshanks (15/116) against Green. Longshanks had 11 points to overcome the deficit, but Green scored 14 � ironically ending the Brents championship hopes. Johnson lamented, �Could I have made any more wrong choices? Any QB change would have won it for me, my faith that Portis would play for a playoff was unfounded (damn Saturday game), and instead of Coles (0 catches and 0 QB rating to 2 scores), Jackson gets injured early. My team was building up speed just so the wheels could come off.�
Bull City Beers 116 County Coroners 41 You have to give Owner Randy Chambers credit � no matter which team he is facing, he always has his team ready to go. The Beers could easily have been overconfident coming into Week 16 as they had totally humiliated the Coroners in Week 7 � 124-27, but Chambers made them watch videos of performers who refused to quit, including, �Thurman Thomas weaving through the Giants defense when the Bills lost their first Super Bowl.� And �Michael Vick trying to single-handedly keep Va Tech in the Sugar Bowl against Florida State a few years back.� The tapes appeared to work as the Beers came out louder than Megaphone Mark Slackmeyer on Saturday with the gameball combination of Daunte Culpepper (13/250) and Randy Moss (15/195) ripped the Chiefs for 5 TD�s and enough double-handedly to beat the Coroners. Chambers, by the way, split the gameball three ways: Daunte, Randy, and The Einar (for knocking off the Brents). Sadly, Owner Chad Nuss could not attend the game as he was busy dodging various thugs and dudes who were trying to get him to pay his many debts. Nuss was unhappy to learn that he had received 47 calls from Bank One in the last 24 hours, according to his caller ID. Of course, Nuss had bet on his team +60 points double or nothing on amounts that would have cleared his debts with the few bookies that would accept his efforts. Nuss did not help himself by starting Kerry Collins (9/59) and Stephen Davis (14/126) who were chained to the bench by injuries. We know there is such a thing as loyalty, but Nuss is beginning to seem Ouaou-astic. Correll Buckhalter (4/14) also did not play due to disciplinary reasons. The Coroners did receive a couple of TD�s from Anquan Boldin (14/100) and Jim Kleinsasser (12/34). The two combined for 21 points or more than half of the team�s total. The Beers also received two TD�s � from their offensive flex. Torry Holt (15/178) continued his magical season as the best first round draft pick with 14 and he was matched by Jerome Bettis (8/44) who may not be done quite yet. The Beers have also had the best production from their keepers as Shaun Alexander (14/163) mixed his all-pro performance with Moss and Culpepper to create a rare hat trick. Although Mike Vanderjagt (15/152) had an off game with 5, the Beers continue to lead the league in K scoring (10.13 ppg) as well as QB scoring (19.19 ppg), WR scoring (13.44 ppg), and overall scoring (99.41 ppg). While these facts brought a smile to Chambers fact, the one that makes him laugh the most is �The Media. Sadly, the other 35 weeks of the year, my options are more limited.� And this new bulletin has just come in � a recent vote of league members has decided that in the case of a tie, the league championship should be given in order of seniority. Yes, it�s a sure victory for the Brents who are the only original team among those vying for the championship. See where brown nosing can get you! Seriously though, Chambers said, �Callahan Nuss made this a little too easy, though our guys didn't look past the Coroners.� Nuss was last seen busily digging a hole under the goalposts in the Meadowlands to find �buried treasure.�
The Ballbusters 113.5 Peaks Island Wookies 64 It seems like the center of the sports world�s focus this past 6 weeks has been on New England. First, you have Bill Belichek taking a bunch of basically nameless players and forging the team with the best record in the NFL. Then, you have the Red Sox who have snapped up Curt Schilling, Keith Foulke and maybe in the market for A-Rod (although they shouldn�t be so quick to get rid of the sweet swinging Manny Ramirez even though his attitude is questionable). You also have the Boston Bruins where Don Sweeney was once the greatest checker of all times and his incredibly still playing although he has taken his checkability to the Dallas Stars. (Speaking of which, please keep in mind that voting for the end of the year awards will open as soon as the season is completed.) If these sports teams were not enough, this past weekend you could witness the all-New England battle taking place between the Ballbusters and Wookies. In Week 7, the two teams put on a classic as 200 points were scored. In Week 16, Owner Rich Joseph knew he had to do something bigger and better to beat his regional rivals. Did that mean going with whole scale changes to his lineup? No, it did not. Joseph decided to listen to his favorite political commentator, Oliver Stone, in that consistency was the best method and left his lineup alone. He did decide that the running game would take precedence and he started feeding the Priest early. Priest Holmes (15/269) led off Saturday with three TD�s, 24 points, and his 11th all pro performance. Holmes was given support by Keenan McCardell (9/61) who had his first all pro performance and 16 points. The Wookies had a number of troops going on Saturday as well, but they were not quite as productive. Mike Vick (2/14) showed what he was capable of with 17 points in just his second game of the season. Rodney Harrison (11/96) continued to lead the defense, but the rest of the Pats fell flat combining for 6 points among 4 players. While seeing Pats play poorly doesn�t make Joseph laugh, Jim Carrey does. Joseph was also happy with Fred Taylor (15/140), who hasn�t been mentioned in conjunction with his groin all year, and his 20 point outburst. Taylor was rewarded with the precious gameball. While Taylor�s superb performance came in a win, Joseph was reminded of �Pedro's last performance,� a gritty game in which he was left in a bit too long in the AL playoffs. With that in mind, we doubt that Terry Francona will let Pedro pitch past the 5th inning since he knows the last guy got fired for leaving him in too long. Steve Smith (9/79) had a nice game with 12 and the D-flex chipped in another 22.5 points to capture the second highest rating. Yet Joesph was not happy with Simeon Rice (14/110) who scored 3 points, �Boy, were they disappointing this year, huh?� He could have easily have gone with Peyton Manning (11/208) who was dominated by the Broncos and only had 4 points, but perhaps gave him the pass for past brilliance. Joseph commented, �I am so happy the Colts didn't clinch last week. I have to go with Manning for the last week, so at least he'll have a little bit (or hopefully a lot) of fire under his ass this weekend!� Burritos work for that too.
San Francisco Cubists 80 Syracuse 44�s 69 Neither Owner Jason Moore nor Owner John Stoer can be very satisfied with their 2003 season. The Cubists are finishing their second consecutive season without a championship, something that is unprecedented in the annals of Modano lore. The 44�s won the mythic 1997 championship according to certain apocrypha, but there are no written records of it. Nevertheless, the two have engaged in an intense rivalry that has seen most of the battles go toward Cubism. Stoer hoped to snap a three game losing streak of blowouts against the Cubists � he was and wasn�t successful. It can never be a sign of success when no gameball is handed out, but such was the case with the 44�s: �I'm not singling anyone out. This game film is going straight to the circular file we have labeled Our Matchups vs The Cubists. It's getting to be a big file.� It was hard to pinpoint any Sunday highlights as no 44 scored and the team was led by aged Gary Anderson (5/49) who legged in 9 points. Donovan McNabb (11/102), who is sure to return in 2004 for the entire season and be much more effective, was unable to reach pay dirt and scored just 7 points. Similarly, Marvin Harrison (14/130) will most likely be back in 44 Orange in 2004 but only scored 5 points. One area the 44�s will certainly have to upgrade is RB where Eddie George (13/71) has taken residence this season but with a clear line of even temper and no explosions. Speaking of which, Stoer likes �George Will. He is informative and he loves baseball so he will often throw excellent references in to his commentary.� Jimmy Smith (7/34) did not make Stoer laugh with his deuce, but Ralph "It tastes like burning" Wiggum does, �though Homer would have been a safe, easy choice too.� No one player in the loss reminded Stoer of excellence, although his answer to an excellent loser was: �This is a great question since most amazing performances that I remember I associate with winning. I'm going to go with whichever great Caps goalie was in for all 4 OT's, stopping 70+ shots, only to lose to Pat "La La La La" LaFontaine and the God awful New York Islanders who were way worse than the Caps that year. Maybe RC will remember who it was.� Carla Heely perhaps? For the Cubists, it was business as usual when it comes to defeating the 44�s. The Cubists it was big up top � Tommy Maddox (7/77) tied his personal high with 23 points off of three TD�s. His play would not have been possible without the burly running of Jamal Lewis (15/190) and his gameball earning 26 points. Moore said, �I wish Jamal Lewis could play Cleveland every week.� Lewis made Moore giggle like Homer Simpson. Moore was less enchanted with Al Wilson (8/43) who played but did not score against the Colts � that better not happen in Week 18. Jason Elam (14/109) led the rest of the team with 7 points. On Monday, Javon Walker (5/49) put up a 20 spot for the 44�s to keep them from being blown out for the second time by the Cubists. Moore compared Walker�s 20 to �Jordan's 63 vs. the Celtics in the playoffs.� For his post-game comments, Moore decided to back handedly slap the 44�s whom he didn�t think worthy of comment, but decided to pleasure us with his stories from his own minor league football story, �Now I have to discuss the most painful fantasy loss ever. My team in the other league went into Monday night with a 38 points lead in the league championship game. My opponent had already congratulated me. Then Farf threw for 387 yards and 4 TDS to win by one point. I don't even feel right hating him because his father just died. [So?] Instead I hate the Raiders and their weak-[mammary gland] sorry-ass defense.� Stoer, nose in beer, said, �Yeah, yeah, yeah. Grumble, grumble, grumble. Another year, another shellacking by the Cubists, though this is by far the worst, most ignominious defeat. Tommy [F-bomb] Maddox goes for +20. I'm [actually, quite] tired of losing to the Cubists.�
P-Miss Envy 114 Veaselicious Cookies 80 While it is not a proven scientific fact, those night owls who know say that it is always darkest before the dawn. And so, it seems, we are on the precipice of a new dawn for the P-Miss Envy. The team has received by far the worst QB play this year and has had its worst season, but who knew what the remedy would be. Owner Perry Missner believed that he had a QB solution at the beginning of the season with Donovan �D-Cupp� McNabb, but it turned out not to be so. He traded McNabb for Michael Vick and also brought in Brad Johnson for Chad Pennington. Neither move worked out. All along, there was a young lad who had potential to be a star, just not the opening to try some things out. In Week 16, Rex Grossman [who I almost called Chapman � stupid me] (1/17) got his chance and made the most of it: bouncing behind the line of scrimmage, heaving deep bombs along the sideline, and scoring the Envy�s 1st all pro QB game of the season. An awestruck Missner � echoing the media�s thoughts, but not for the first time - said, �The dawn of a new era - productive QB - Rex Grossman, you get your first of many gameballs. Bye bye Slash and Chandelier.� The young Grossman had plenty of support from his backs and receivers. Kevan Barlow (4/53), who is making a serious push toward that third Envy keeper slot, had his high game with 25 � his second straight all pro game. Certainly not to be forgotten is the backbone of the team � Anthony Thomas (10/92) � who had his own second all pro game with 15. Boo Williams (2/12) scored the first Envy TE TD in ages and Chad Johnson (15/142) kept rolling for another 8. Missner said, �No big disappointments, but Thomas Jones (1/5) was supposed to do more - you�re cut.� However, there was too much goodness in Week 16 for Missner to rail on crappy Tampa players. The Envy scored season highs at QB, TE, OF, and overall score and the D-flex�s 19 points were enough to recapture the #1 ranking away from the Cubists. Ah, that�s more like it. Uh, what�s that? There was another team playing here? Oh yeah, Owner Dan Weitz and his Veaselicious Cookies were vying for their first ever over .500 season. Tom Brady (9/131) played well with 16 points and Marshall Faulk�s (11/120) 22 reminded Missner of �Bobby Hurley in the 1993 NCAA tournament who had one of the most impressive performances I have ever seen against the Fab 5 - he just would not let his team down, but the paid professionals on the other side, eventually wore him down. That was a great tournament.� Still, Weitz�s team was blown out for the 4th time this season and he became even more concerned when Amber would not commiserate with him. In fact, Weitz only saw his daughter in passing and when he asked what he could to get more wins for his team, she just excused herself to do some homework. On his team�s 4th win and escaping the basement, Missner commented, �Too little, too late - perhaps, but any time in the season it feels good to get some revenge. While Fox chose to show the uninteresting Giants-Cowboys game, I could have been watching the beginning of something big. Stupid Fox. My apologies to Dan (and to a lesser extent Amber) for ruining their high hopes, but there was no way I wanted that first pick.�
Week 17 previews - Well, this is it. The end of another season and the sign that someone work�s productivity is about to go on the upswing. We might as well hold onto this last week as long as we can and start out at the top. Our league features a two way tie at the top between the Busters and Beers, but the Brents and Losers are only a game out. Depending on what tie-breaker we chose, it could be anyone�s trophy (metaphorical, of course) to take home. The upstart Busters take on the least likely of the four to win, the Losers. Einar�s Lovable Losers have no shot if the championship is based on points scored and virtually no hope if it is based on anything else. Plus, they haven�t changed their lineup in a month, so last minute adjustments will be unlikely. The Busters whipped the Losers, 108-76, in their first meeting, and Owner Rich Joseph said, �Hopefully the Weasel Hunters can do us a favor two weeks in a row. Sixty-two points? I say they don't recover this weekend! Nice week Perry!� And this new bulletin has just come in � a recent vote of league members has decided that in the case of a tie, the league championship should be given in inverse order of seniority. Seeing as the Busters are the newest team, they are a shoe-in! Seriously though, the Beers take on the suddenly heating Envy in what could determine the championship. Owner Randy Chambers, whose team won in Week 8, 133-77, said, �Can you say "Huge Freakin' Game"?! The Envy are the hottest team in the league [actually, that would be the Losers who have three in a row], and unlike the Coroners, are not mailing it in at the end of the season. Hopefully we can hold them off and count on the Einar for one more win so we can dispense with the great tiebreaker debate.� Chambers is going with same lineup that has brought so much success of late, but Missner has made a slight modification: Thomas Jones sits on the waiver wire while DeShon Foster makes his triumphant return to the lineup � as of now. Missner, whose team actually leads the series 6-5, said, �The team seems to be playing pretty well and we have a chance to do some damage on the national scene. Randy has so many tried and true weapons that we are going to have to use all of our youth and exuberance to make it close. We beat the champions last year in Week 18 and maybe we can do it again.� As for the last team with Championship dreams, the Brents took a hard fall in Week 16, but can recoup with a win against the struggling 44�s and a couple of well-placed losses. Owner Steve Johnson, continuing to accentuate the positive, said, �At least I secured a winning all time record.� The Brents walloped the 44�s 105-71 in Week 8 and hope Marc Bulger can fine tune the QB play. Alge Crumpler and Laverneus Coles also make their return and Michael Anderson makes his Brent debut. No changes for Owner John Stoer yet, whose team is down 3-6 in the series. Stoer pleaded with his team by saying, �I don't care who we are playing or if we have any impact on the title. We are playing for our own pride. We are either going to stand up and be counted like MEN or we are going to pee our pants and lay down like little baby girls. Which is it going to be???� It will be interesting to find out. The Cubists and Cookies face off in a battle of differing streaks. The Cookies have never had an above .500 season and the Cubists have never been below .500. What�s that? You think this could end in a tie? That would be amazing, but the fact that the Cubists won 105-52 in Week 8 and hold an 8-3 series advantage might speak otherwise. Owner Jason Moore said, �Time to keep the over-.500 streak alive.� Last and certainly least, we have the Wookies and Coroners. If the Coroners lose, they clinch the first draft pick next year. If the Coroners win, it will be a miracle.
----------------------------------And to All a Good Night Press------------------------