Veaselicious Cookies 114 Bull City Beers 84 The rather one-sided history of this rivalry, known as �Battle of the First Daughters,� led many to believe that Owner Randy Chambers� Bull City Beers would retain their one game lead through Week 15. Added to this belief of many was the fact that rival Owner Dan Weitz as well as his daughter Amber had not been heard from in several weeks, despite his team�s winning streak. Weitz quickly explained the absence by remarking that he �had not left my office (bathroom) for 3 weeks because I was studying game film. Three in a row baby! Now back to my office.� Rumors had also been swirling about the recent absence of daughter/fantasy football coach extraordinaire Amber. Some theorists believe that she is trying maintain a 4.0 GPA in the competitive third grade environment, while less reputable sources say that Weitz snatched team ownership away from Amber after Amber refused to call the Einar �a dirty, stinking bastard.� (Although these rumors all say that Amber agreed on the first two terms, she believed that bastard did not technically apply to the Einar and refused to agree.) Weitz went on to further impugn the reputation of the Einar by pronouncing that perhaps �Einar and Saddam can be prison pen pals (wink-wink).� Weitz, himself a rather fragrant from time busily spent in the office, hatched a plan to defeat the Beers for only the second time in 12 tries. He put the focus of the offense on Keeper QB Tom Brady (8/115) and let the Chicago Bear defense put the clamps on Beer standouts Daunte Culpepper (12/226) and Randy Moss (14/173). While Weitz was unhappy that the Bears indirectly helped the �puke and bile� colored Packers, he should put more blame on the crappy San Diego Chargers. Brady led the team with 19 points and was just one of four all pro performers. The Cookies received a third TD from Marshall Faulk (10/98) and an all pro day on just yards from Derrick Mason (14/113). Brady, Faulk, Travis Henry (11/110) � the Cookies� keepers � were all on the field for the first time since Week 3. The third all pro game came from LB Jamie Sharper (14/120) who scored 15 points for the third time this season. On Monday, Brian Westbrook (5/50) sealed the deal and the blowout with a couple of scores and 20 points. Meanwhile, the Beer keepers have been on the field all season long and leading the team�s domination. It seems that Chambers had let daughter Maya run all of the scrimmages during the week, while he sat in his office and downed numerous �Fruity Tugwells, an [oxymoronic] and delectable combination of fresh fruits, rum and secret ingredients invited by the commish himself.� The drink went right to his head as he continually sang Christmas carols which �finds quite enjoyable, though really any one that talks a lot about Christ and other religious stuff make me squeamish. My favorite is probably the Jackson 5 singing "I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." Too bad Michael took the whole inappropriate kissing thing too far.� Then Chambers felt like he was looking at a world of �Any team that wears dark pants with dark jerseys. The Dolphins, last night, for example.� The Culpepper to Moss connection, however, was a bit out of tune as they only received one J.B. pronouncement. The Beer-Viking connection was limited to 23 points as Minnesota featured the running attack, although another Culpepper-Moss sure TD was snatched away by Charles Tillman on a beautiful play that sealed the game for the Chicago Bears. Speaking of limited, Chambers was only �pretty confident I could slam it home up to 7 feet. After that, I might need to get on Commissioner Tugwell's shoulders.� While the third Beer keeper Shaun Alexander (13/145) had another decent total of 14 � these just weren�t the eye-popping totals that the fans in Bull City were used to. Chambers gave the gameball to K Mike Vanderjagt (14/147) who had a low total (for him) of 8. The Beer defense has begun to show signs of wearing down as the trio only combined for 14 points and Jerome Bettis (7/30) may be better used as an inspirational speaker rather than an actual member of the football team. Chambers summed the game up as a �Putrid title-clinching opportunity down the drain.� Meanwhile, Weitz who was still trying to track down Amber for her comments on the big win, said � as he usually does this time of year, �Let's finish the season strong and build for next year.�
Brentful Brents 125 Peaks Island Wookies 62 Brentful Brents 125 Peaks Island Wookies 62 � Owner Steve Johnson knew better than to underestimate his opponent, the Peaks Island Wookies. Not only did the Wookies hold a 5-3 series advantage, but Johnson had clearly overlooked the Wookies in Week 6 when the Brents lost 66-74. To keep his guys attention on the field and not the sophomoric antics of backup QB Brent Farf busy playing �Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer� on his harmonica, Johnson kept the gameplan simple: lots of handoffs and everyone tackle Mike Vick. For the second straight week, the Brent ground attack came up huge as both LaDainian Tomlinson (14/208) and Clinton Portis (12/201) scored in the 20�s. The relentless pounding of the runners (who have combined with Moe Williams for 17 all pro games this season) opened up gaps for the passing game as Trent Green (3/53) had his best game of the season with 29 (establishing a Brent QB high) and Darrell Jackson (6/42) snagged a TD. Johnson commented on the healthy play of his studs, �It's another team win as everyone did there part. I'm all grins so everyone gets the praise and no one the scorn.� He then decided to buy the room a drink, as for himself, �Ya know, I've always liked Long Islands, but lately I�ve been reliving college life with Root beer Barrels.� Johnson then went on to explain how he could dunk on a basket above 8 feet: �Let's see. I'm about 6'. My arms reach a couple feet over my head. That makes about 8' 1". Ya, that sounds right.� Johnson sent Alge Crumpler (11/37) to the B-team who wear Dolphin orange unis for scoring 0 again. The Brent D-flex, concentrating on containing Mike Vick (because as you know, no one can stop him), worked to the tune of 24 points. Vick (1/-3) was making his first start of the season, but some pundits believe that he will not be able to score much due to his Envy taint. Vick, unlike Donovan McNabb and Jon Kitna, may have spent too much time on the P-Miss Envy bench, watching QB ineptitude (the Envy have not had an all-pro QB performance this year, while every other team has had at least four) to work himself out of it. Vick came up short (much like Owner Will Mitchell on any basket high than 7.5 feet) as he turned the ball over a couple of times and squeeked in with a Drew Bledsoe like -3. Bledsoe, meanwhile, actually had a decent game of 14 while Kitna had 18 in a reserve roll. Too bad, not that it would have mattered. The Wookies only received two TD�s, but one came from celebrated TE Daniel Graham (9/31) who is starting to have a Ben Coates look about him. We should also note that Jerry Azumah (2/16) played great and led the team with 11 points as well as leading the team in a singing of �We wish you a Merry Christmas, �which is OK I guess but what the F$%^ is figgy pudding and why so demanding?� Mitchell commented, a week previous, �Back to my sucky ways - after beating Perry soundly two weeks ago, our season mission is accomplished.� On the capture of Saddam Hussein, Johnson commented, �Not much will change in Iraq, but Bush might have pulled out the election.� Johnson said, �Way to go Bears! It�s hard to root for you guys but if we make it to the playoffs, it�s all because of you.� Since there was no antecedent to the �we,� we�ll take some credit.
The Ballbusters 135 County Coroners 77 It seems Owner Chad Nuss fancies himself as a bit of gambler. While that might not always come through in his Coroner lineup, which changed for the first time in Week 15 after four straight weeks of sameness, he has been known to hit the slots or lay some money down on big stakes black jack. He had a wild lucky streak in the middle of the season upon first benching his Raiders, but of late his luck has run out. Whether he plays craps or baccarat, the luck has not been flowing his way and the debts have been reaching unburdensome levels. Recently, Nuss has been escorted out a number of casinos until he pays his debt back and a number of his possessions have been repoed. Nevertheless, Nuss can always rely on his proud ownership of the County Coroners to get him through the tough times. Knowing that the karma had to turn his way, sooner or later, Nuss placed a major wager on his squad, getting 50 points against the Ballbusters, who had whooped the Coroners by 54.5 points in Week 6. The day started out brilliantly as he had the aforementioned Charles Tillman (8/72) who scored his first ever all pro game with 15 points, including that wonderful interception. Tillman was backed up by Lawyer Milloy (7/48), who had his best game of 12, and Martin Gramatica (14/72) who continued to take Sebastian Janakowski�s rightful place. Unfortunately, as the day went on, the Coroners points were harder and harder to find. The big backs, Stephen Davis (13/126) and Tyrone Wheatley (5/36), only combined for 7 points. The biggest break was when Nuss learned, a bit too late, that QB Kerry Collins (8/59) would not be playing. While the Coroners had some decent performances, Owner Rich Joseph�s team was putting up sick numbers. The team tied the season high for TD�s with 11 to pass the Beers for number one in TD scoring with 88 (the Beers have 86). Master of ceremonies was Peyton Manning (10/204) who had another ridiculous game with 39 points and his 6th all pro game. Manning�s fine performance allowed Joseph not to punch himself in the head for not starting Jeff Garcia who had 30 points (76 in the last two weeks). Peyton was backed up with glee (and not like �Mr. Green Christmas (He's Mr. 101) the heat miser� by Priest Holmes (14/245) who tied his finest performance with 26. That�s 10 all pro games for the Priest which equals the total by the suddenly fading Daunte Culpepper. The third member of the all pro triumvirate was Tony Gonzalez (14/106) who had 18 and became only the second tight end to score an all pro game. The 11th and final Buster TD came from T.J. Duckett (9/49), who now has almost as many points in three Buster games as he did in 6 Envy games. I guess that is the translation. Yet, the Envy may keep the Busters from championship glory and they are the only team to keep the Busters from scoring 100+ points. In fact, Rich Joseph�s team�s 9 100+ performance are a record setter, the previous high being 7 (set twice by the Cubists). Some thought that the win would help Joseph get that extra foot so he could dunk a regulation basket. Joseph, swamped with work, did not comment. Reporters are still looking for Nuss who apparently owes three different bookies somewhere in the high six figures.
Einar�s Lovable Losers 96 San Francisco Cubists 72 Oh, that Einar. Despised by some, loved by few, but always in the middle of the action. After the Losers� disastrous 2002 season, no one thought they would bounce back with such force in 2003. But everyone was wrong. Using a mix of emancipation, celebration, and intimidation, the Losers have clawed their way into sight of championship glory. The road is filled with obstacles, but if Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen can continue to win, he might just have something to say. In order to stay in the race through Week 15, the Losers had to slay a team that knows something about championship glory, the San Francisco Cubists. Sadly, there won�t be another championship banner in the Cubists� rafters after 2003, due to some bad luck and perhaps a lack of a killer instinct. Owner Jason Moore has used the last month to winnow down his keeper candidates. It seems that he has two who will be returning � Jamal Lewis (14/164) and Terrell Owens (14/129) � who combined for a tidy sum of 23 points. Owens 14 equaled Moore�s favorite drink 7&7 (which is all the same key, by the way). Based on Week 15, TE Todd Heap (14/67) might be worth a look as he had 12 points. However, Heap�s 67 points are by far the worst of any player starting 14 games. Like the capture of Saddam Hussein, Moore commented on Heap, �Finally, we did something right.� Equaling Heap was K Jason Elam (14/102), but no one � not even kicker crazy Chad Nuss � has ever kept a kicker and we doubt that Moore will be the first. Moore has compared this season to his ability to dunk � he can get to 9�6�, but those last six inches have been unfathomable. If you ask Moore about Christmas Carols, he�ll tell you he likes �Joy to the World,� doesn�t like �We Three Kings of Orient Are,� and has no comment on �Good King Wenceslas.� The biggest disappointment in Moore�s mind was his own benching of Aaron Brooks who went off for 36 points, otherwise known as 32 points more than Tommy Maddox (6/54). It probably wouldn�t have mattered as nothing the Cubists can do can beat Loser QB Steve �Air� McNair (12/186). McNair did not even suit up in Week 15 due to a readjustment to his nanoprobe level in his right calf, but his receivers managed to catch 5 TD�s balls. Joe Horn (10/92) led the way with 4 TD grabs and a WR season high 32 points. Horn�s performance was the highest WR day since Jimmy Smith had 37 points for the Cubists in 2000. We�ll not mention his endzone celebration, which was pretty lame. Isaac Bruce (9/54) caught the other TD ball and had 8, while the ground game was held up by Ahole �Put it on the� Green (14/205) who had 17 points against the poor, defenseless Chargers. That�s not nice. An angry-with-himself Moore commented on his team which tied its franchise high for losses, �I have become what I despise. Finals on Friday, Saturday, and Monday were no excuse for letting Maddox start in the snow instead of Brooks against the secondary-less Giants, and Cowart start despite his injury. My bad.�
P-Miss Envy 107 Syracuse 44�s 64 It has been a long season for Owner Perry Missner. His once proud franchise has fallen on its hardest time. Despite his many efforts to improve the team � through more trades and waiver wire pick ups than any other team � it seems as many of his moves come back to haunt him � waiving Santana Moss, trading Chris Draft, Chad Pennington, and T.J. Duckett for guys who only played unproductively, and especially trading Donovan McNabb (10/95) and Ray Lewis (14/154.5) for Michael Vick and Jeremy Shockey. In the early blush of that trade, the Syracuse 44�s went on a month long winning streak led by Lewis and McNabb. While neither Vick (now a Wookie) nor Shockey (who is broken) started for the Envy, the seeds seem in place for the Envy to win a game or two in the end of the season. Knowing that the running game was the key to his team�s fortunes, Missner swapped Vick for Ricky Williams (14/130), who has not disappointed. Williams ran for 13 points and is mentoring Anthony Thomas (9/77) into becoming a better back. Thomas was given the gameball as Missner commented, �Anthony Thomas is the key to our attack � when he runs with abandon and scores TD�s (and our O-line does a passable job), we will be competitive.� Another runner, Kevan Barlow (3/28), used his unprecedented playing time to get his first all pro game, despite turning the ball over. The power running combination totaled 39 points and reminded Missner of the one Christmas Carol he likes, �the one with the bells � here go the bells, there go the bells, bing bong bing bong. I don�t like Silent Night � too damn holier than thou.� Two more things that Missner enjoys are Chad Johnson (14/134) who had 12 points and Vanilla Coke, which �creates great belches too.� The D-flex rose to the occasion as well, combining for 33 points (led by Keith Bulluck�s (14/131) 17). The one crimp in the Envy system has been continuing QB problem. Like dunking a basketball, Missner has low expectations, �If it was under water, I could do at least 10 feet. On land, perhaps 6.5 feet.� Brad Johnson (5/50) scored as many points in one Beer game than in four games with the Envy. He received Missner�s scorn, �that was your last chance � no TD�s vs. the Texans, c�mon. We are at the dawn of a new era � the Rex era.� While Missner and Owner John Stoer don�t always agree, they pretty much agreed on ugly NFL uniforms and reaction to the capture of Saddam. Missner: �Nothing is as hard to look at as white on yellow with splotches of green. Damn those Packers, they aren�t good for anything.� Stoer: �gotta go Peckers. Green and yellow, bleck.� Missner: �We kicked his ass!� Stoer: �Holy f[iretr]uck!� While neither Lewis and McNabb played horribly, neither were up to their usual standards of excellence either. Stoer was pleased with the play of Marvin Harrison (13/125), who joined Stoer for �an ice cold beer� after the game. Curtis Conway (2/1) received Stoer�s scorn for being the difference maker in Missner�s favor, but really Javon Walker (4/29) did more to hurt the team than anyone. Overall, Stoer lamented, �dominated by the Envy, that says it all.� Even Missner could feel the sadness, although a new day was dawning, �I am at the point in this long season in which I almost feel sorry for the teams that I beat. However, I do think my team is coming around with a decent running attack, which should be complemented by the sweet, sweet arm of Rex Grossman next week.�
Week 16 previews - The three way tie atop the standings will not be broken through head to head competition as all three teams have already played each other twice, each splitting the series. If we look at strength of schedule, the Bull City Beers have the easiest road, but also the most to lose. The Beers face the bottom dwelling Coroners and Envy in the next two weeks. Owner Randy Chambers commented, �The whole enchilada is now a foot race. We've got some fast guys, so we'll see if we can run away and hide for a couple of weeks. Best final month in league history.� Says you. Few have forgotten the 124-27 drubbing the Beers put on the Coroners in Week 7 to establish the greatest margin of victory in Modano history. The whupping prompted Owner Chad Nuss to change his entire strategy and play some non-Raiders. The strategy worked briefly, but losses have come in big numbers to the County. Nuss has been scouted for by numerous repo men, but we have also heard accounts of bounty hunters and hit men on his trail. Be careful, Chad! The Vikings face the Chiefs and the porous defense at home, so the total could be ugly again. Bookmakers have placed the Beers as 60 point favorite, according to Nuss. Neither team has changed their lineup and the Beers lead the series 9-2. The team with the toughest challenge in the final two weeks is the Brentful Brents, who take on Einar�s Lovable Losers who still have their own flicker of hope for championship glory. Owner Steve Johnson beat his fellow Packer loving buddy, Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen 92-78 in Week 7 behind powerful performances from Marc Bulger and LaDainian Tomlinson. The Losers still have questionable Steve McNair in their lineup. McNair has no voodoo hold over the Brents like he does the Cubists. Johnson returns Laverneus Coles and Anthony Becht to the line up. In his comments on the matchup, Johnson sounded like a Viagra commercial in exhorting his troops, �Come on! Keep it up! Keep it up!� In another matchup of team backers, two Pats fan play as the Wookies and Ballbusters renew their New English rivalry. In their first ever meeting, the two teams put on an entertaining performance in the Busters 106-94 win. Two weeks ago, Owner Will Mitchell said, �we'll take our shot at playing spoiler...no gimmes in this league.� He had better hope Michael Vick has better luck against Tampa than he did against the Colts. Neither team has changed their lineup yet. While the last two battles have no direct significance on the championship, they have plenty of bragging rights to be settled. In Week 7, the Cubists put a hurting on the 44�s like had never happened before � 130-46. It hurts just to type it. Owner Jason Moore�s team must win to salvage a chance at keeping their streak of above .500 records alive. To do so, he has brought back his young backs Marcel Shipp and Dominick Davis as well as Al Wilson to the defense. Moore noted, �I hope a good old-fashioned beat-down doesn't ruin Sto's holiday cheer.� Stoer noted his 2-7 record against the Cubists and said, �I had the misfortune this year to have my big games all in a row, so it is only appropriate that the Cubists kick my ass for 14millionth time before I ruin Steve's title hopes the last week of the season.� Stoer has returned Rudi Johnson and Kendrell Bell to the lineup, but has not relieved Javon Walker of his duty yet. Finally, we have the battle of Oshkosh North alumni, Owners Dan Weitz and Perry Missner. The Cookies ruled the day in Week 7 � 89-54 � led by Quincy Carter. In Week 16, it is the Envy who have more Cowboys starting (1) than the Dallas-oriented Cookies. Why Emmitt Smith isn�t even on the Cookies roster and Troy Aikman is busy writing articles in the Sporting News about �how Brent Farf is looking really nice in them jeans!� How sad. The Envy begin their Rex Grossman era and Thomas Jones gets a crack at the lineup. Missner commented, �: There have been a lot of words of bragging by the Cookies down in Ripon. We remember two seasons ago when they had a chance at an over .500 season that was rudely ripped away from them by yours truly. We wouldn�t mind doing that again.� Weitz, who still couldn�t find his daughter Amber to discuss tactics � a key to the Week 7 win � said, �I have brought in the great strategist - Troy of Bards Tale fame - to annoy Perry. Troy even brought his briefcase. Your in deep [squat] now Missner. Steve Johnson if you wanna pay me back for that Diplomacy win, kick the ever-living [stuff] out of the Einar, don�t let him have a chance at the title.�
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