Bull City Beers 91 Einar�s Lovable Losers 79 In many respects, Owner Randy Chambers has had his way in 2003. His team, the Beers, are leading the league in scoring despite not having much of a rushing attack. He has provided the media with many a fine quote, but upon making his own faus pax and being called for it, Chambers lashed out at the media. Upon being asked who was the man of the year, Chambers responded, �I would have said [Owner] Perry Missner [Darling of the Media], but he defamed me last week by accusing me of playing Randy McM against the Skins, when in fact I played some guy named Rivers (Marcellus? Doc?) from the Gints at TE. I want a public apology.� Of course, the accusation of playing TE Randy McMichael at the time the lineup cards were sent out (Noon CST) was completely true and the bad karma imbued because of it was the clear reason the Beers lost. Chambers then tried to brown nose his way out of the media�s dog house by saying, �With the notable exception above, his media reports put the Fun in Fantasy Fun League.� The media quickly issued the following statement: �There shall be no public apology! In fact, the media demands a public apology from Chambers for daring to slight us! Nevertheless, we can�t have such thin skin, so we will continue with our straight reportage.� Yes, there was a game to be played and after an off week, the Beers looked like they were ready to defend their championship. This week�s hurdle was the upper echelon Einar�s Lovable Losers. However, much like the famed immortals from Highlander, the Losers were fairly worthless without their head. QB Steve �Air� McNair was benched by the Einar due to an injured calf. As soon as Jake Plummer (2/26) was announced as the starting QB, the team seemed to go flat. Pppffffffttt. Plummer managed a TD and 6 points, but was upstaged from the bench by McNair, who should never be benched unless he is receiving more nano-implants, with his 15 points. Einar gave McNair the gameball and said, �Yes, I know I did not start him.� McNair came a close second in Einar�s man of the year vote to �George Bush.� Without a reasonable passing game, the Einar had hoped to emulate �The Packers run the ball smash mouth style,� but Ahole �Put it on the� Green (12/176) was too busy being stung by the pesky Lion defenders to come up with more than 3 points. That�s what you call smash mouth? Even Edgerrin James (10/101) was cooled off as he only had 8. In fact, the team was led by its hottest player, Matt Stover (7/72), who hit 14 points for the second straight week and third time this season. While the Losers seemed lifeless without McNair, the Beers seemed to gain a bounce in their step. The Beer keepers rebounded from their worst collective week to each score in double figures, led by QB Daunte Culpepper�s (10/188) 9th all pro performance of 15. Shaun Alexander (11/125) and Randy Moss (12/141) each missed all pro games by slight margins as well, while Torry Holt (12/149) was left out of the fun in the Rams smushing of the Vikings. For the gameball, Chambers went old school in once again handing the prized possession to Jerome Bettis (5/15) who scored a TD and 10 points. Bettis�s hard running reminded Chambers of the team that currently plays with his favorite style, �Sadly, the Charlotte Panthers. Stephen Davis.� The Bus was matched by the league�s top kicker Mike Vanderjagt (12/122). TE Randy �Bad Mojo� McMichael (11/44) received Chambers� scorn and was sent on an aborted mission �to Hartford for Thanksgiving because our plane was delayed a gazillion times and then our dog ran away from the dog sitter just before we were about to board. Thankfully, the dog turned up.� On the loss, the Einar seemed nonplussed, �Close game, and I came up short. Oh well. Hey Weasel, who made the playoffs in our ESPN league?� Now, why would he want to mention the minor leagues? Just to pique the Weasel? The ever rambunctious Randy continued to hand out slights in his post game press conference, �Another solid performance all around. All the Bus needed was a good coach who believes in him. The sweetest game break in all of pro football "Culpepper to Moss for a Vikings touchdown." Thank you, JB.� In case you were wondering, Bettis was previously owned this season by Owner John Stoer who Syracuse 44�s play the Beers in Week 14.
The Ballbusters 128 San Francisco Cubists 84 Knowing that the Einar would not help a worthy cause in any way, Owner Rich Joseph knew that he would have to take care of business against the league�s standard for excellence and achievement, the San Francisco Cubists. In Week 4, Joseph relied on the strong arm of Peyton Manning (8/157) to single-handedly defeat the Cubists and giving Manning the ball quite often again seemed like a good plan. Earlier in the season Joseph had had trouble choosing between Manning and fellow QB Jeff Garcia, much like the time he �gave two different girlfriends gifts but mixed up the cards....not good!� We never realized Joseph was such a playa. Now that Garcia is broken, Manning was free to gesticulate and spasm his way to 4 more TD�s and 27 more points, leading the route. Manning, under the direction of Joseph, had the Buster engine running to a purr. Whether it was handing off to Priest Holmes (12/203), the league�s leading scorer, for 23 points and two TD�s or throwing to Tony Gonzalez (12/84), the league�s leading TE, for 13 points and two TD�s, Manning was in complete control and was given the gameball for his efforts. Doubling Joseph�s pleasure was that the big game came in a lost against his beloved Patriots, who play with his favorite style. Joseph loves the Pats so much that he named his man of the year as �Bill Belicheck [for getting to] 10-2 from a team that's not that good!� Not to be forgotten in this plethora of points were Steve Smith (6/56) who had his first all pro game of 16 and T.J. Duckett (7/33) who started for the first time for the Ballbusters and rewarded his owner with a TD and 9 points. Even the Buster D chipped in with 28 points and a TD from Jason Taylor (8/72). Only Keenan McCardell (6/37) and Phil Dawson (2/8) did not play up to expections, which was a state the entire Cubists team could be placed in. Yes, seeing the Cubists in their futile state is like �Seeing �Biko� on Valentine's Day... not quite the right mood.� Where once the Cubists were flush with keeper candidates, last year�s keepers, including Tiki Barber (12/90) and Terrell Owens (12/97) just don�t have it this year. If Owner Jason Moore is going to work to a style in which his team plays more like the Rams, he may have to forgo his once impressive ground attack and take to the air. One way to start would be by replacing XFL refugee Tommy �Hrabosky� Maddox (4/39) who did have 13 points. Another way would be to trade Jamal Lewis (12/128) for a prominent pass catcher such as Chad Johnson� Or maybe Moore needs to concentrate on getting more guys named Davis as both Andra (3/28) and Dominick (7/74) had all pro games from their different side of the ball. Let�s see, Moore could sign up former California governor Gray, Spike Lee�s favorite actor Ossie, and the world�s greatest maid Ann B. Any would do. On the loss, which dropped his team below .500 and only one game ahead of the Beers overall, Moore said, �What did Peyton Manning score, 70 points against me this year? [73, actually] Next year we go for the head.� Joseph, on snapping his team�s longest losing streak � 2, said, �Felt good to get back to form!�
Peaks Island Wookies 98 P-Miss Envy 73 Few people remember, but almost a decade ago, Owners Will Mitchell and Perry Missner had their first experience with fantasy football and the pleasures of drafting. Missner, being a crafty soul, made sure that everyone knew the name Ben Coates so that someone would �waste� an early round draft pick on the tight end. He knew Mitchell would succumb to his oratorial wiles and he was right: Mitchell spent a third round pick on the previously unproductive Coates and immediately felt terribly deceived. Nevermind that Coates led the early Will�s Wookies to a championship which included a great deal of Missner�s transaction money, Mitchell never forgot and vowed revenge someday. That day turned out to be November 30, 2003 when Mitchell, knowing that Missner was floating somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, hopped on his computer and began signing every available Chicago Bear. The crafty Mitchell, who dreads �every holiday with the inlaws in Rockville - dad in law is a 'neo-con' Bushie,� heard that Anthony Thomas had viral pneumonia and quickly signed up Brock Forsey (1/15) and Dez White (1/9) who completed the deal with 24 points � one more than the winning margin. The all new offensive flex was completed by Justin McCareins (1/13) to completely surprise the unaware Missner. The Wookies were led by Jon Kitna (4/74) who had his second straight huge week with 28 points � that�s 57 points in two weeks. Mitchell slighted Kitna by giving the gameball to Drew Bledsoe for his 20 points of the bench and �because i still can and he has a concussion.� Mitchell claimed his team is playing more like �New England � it�s called the scrap til you win, no running game to speak of, short pass last minute to the wall but 10-2 style.� Mitchell did not care for the play of �Rodney Harrison (8/63) and Daniel Graham (7/20) [who did not score], but the pat still won.� His NFL team winning was about the only consolation that Missner could take on this weekend. The team started out hot as Jason Hanson (2/19) set a year record at the kicker spot with 17 points, each one kicking dirt on the dead carcus that was the Packers. Yet Ricky Williams (12/113) did not sting his old team with just 5 points. Missner had hoped that Williams would lead his team like the �Carolina Panthers - power running and great defense.� On Sunday, the team slowed down a bit although Chad Johnson (12/121) got the gameball for �continuing to catch TD�s. My best draft pick, my best player.� The Envy d-flex also played quite well with 26 points. While Thomas did not score because of sickness, the play of Envy QB�s had made the league sick all year long. Brad Johnson (4/43) had just two points and reminded Missner of �This Thanksgiving was not good � we went on a cruise to the Bahamas. Lots of crowds, sea sickness, and even the food was mediocre. Let�s not even start on my family�� Sea sickness reminded Missner of his man of the year, �Ah-nold. He not only comes out with T3, which I didn�t see because it was obvious how things worked out after T2 and his last five movies, but also becomes the governor of California. I may think he be a dunderhead (a word I�d love to hear him say), but he is doing very well.� Overall, Missner was quite unhappy, �Will is a dirty scheming dog. He probably knew that I wasn�t going to be around to know that A-train had viral meningitis or whatever it was. He throws three Bears in the lineup and wins because of him. I guess he deserves a certain amount of credit for his chutzpah, but we will remember this and get him next year.� Mitchell was just happy to have his second staight win for the second time this season, �hey, 2 gooduns in a row - and I beat the MAN!�
Veaselicious Cookies 129 Syracuse 44�s 80 There seems to be big trouble Casa de Weitz. Owner Dan Weitz had taken over the team prior to last week in a last ditch effort to defeat his mortal nemesis, the Einar, but came up considerably short. Seeing his team lose to his enemy caused Weitz to go more than slightly insane and he ran into Lake Buttes Des Mortes and hadn�t been heard from since. In his absense, Amber stepped in, but was called away on a school field trip to a box factory. Without coaches or representatives of the Weitz family, the players decided to coach themselves and call their own plays. Never has something worked out so well as the Cookies went on a TD binge and had the most endzone dances in a game this season � 11. The festivities started on Thanksgiving as Chris Chambers (12/99) helped himself to first, seconds, and thirds of TD�s in his 24 point rampage. Chambers was matched in TD production by Marshall Faulk (8/78) who rolled off another 27 points. The charge was directed by Tom Brady (6/91) who had a couple of scores and 13 points. The other three TD�s were scored by Marcus Pollard (8/32) and on Monday by Curtis Martin (10/49) and Derrick Mason (12/88). All Owner John Stoer could do at the onslaught was look like he was hit by a truck. Stoer gave the gameball to Ray Lewis (12/134.5) who had another huge 24 points, equaling the high defensive performance of the year and taking a commanding lead in the defensive player rankings. Stoer called Lewis �the best LB since LT.� While Lewis may be great, Stoer had an easy time choosing the man of the year, �Jimmy Boeheim! Did anything else even happen in 2003?� Marvin Harrison (11/101) snagged Donovan McNabb�s (9/85) only TD pass and the two combined for 20 points. Still, McNabb did not score 15 points, breaking a streak of 5 games of all pro scoring from the QB slot. Harrison plays a part in Stoer�s favorite style: �I'm not sure I have a favorite style, but I think I'd have to go with the Colts. Throw the ball to Marvin a lot and let Freeney rush the passer off the corner- a very nice style indeed.� Stoer did not appreciate the play of Ed Reed( 8/70), �. I watched the Ravens game this week and Reed actively avoided tackling people. What a wuss.� Stoer said Reed reminded of him of �Xmas a few years ago where I tried to fit in everyone in my family and ended up driving more during the day then spending time with anyone.� As for his playing Emmitt Smith (2/1) in a decidedly heelish move, Stoer explained, �Jim Brown, the greatest RB ever, called this week and asked if we would give Emmitt Smith, the 3rd best RB ever, a final fantasy start. You know, let the fans have a chance to tip their cap and applaud a wonderful career. We had an ideal matchup with Amber that wasn't going to affect the league title in any way, so we decided to give it a shot. It was a terrific game, a wonderful atmosphere, and while we ended up on the losing end of the scoreboard, it couldn't dampen the special feeling that belonged to the day.�
Brentful Brents 114 County Coroners 51 Owner Steve Johnson is so close to being in first place that he can literally taste it. He isn�t going to let anyone stand in his way as he goes for his first championship and therefore the Coroners did not stand a chance. Nevermind that Owner Chad Nuss has gone missing again and hasn�t checked his team in a couple of weeks. Nuss had a taste of success when he changed his lineup full sale without Raiders. Now, the Raiderless lineup, plus a few Raiders, has gone stale and the other team can plan for their every play. The Coroners only received one TD from the lineup that hasn�t changed since Week 11. Kerry Collins (6/60) who has been fading badly but had 10 points. Philip Buchanon (11/68) led the rest of the team with 9 points, while fellow Raider Tyrone Wheatley (3/24) fell on his face and didn�t score. The Coroners have had the worst offensive and defensive flexes for most of the season and Week 13 did not change anything � just 6 points from the offensive flex � oy. For Johnson, he didn�t need to plan much to beat the Coroners as his team was firing on all cylinders. He said, �Everyone deserves praise in this win.� And thus it was so. Leading the team was Clinton Portis (10/134) who had 25 points. Portis was complemented by LaDainian Tomlinson (12/157) who was just a point away from having another all pro game. While the runners were good, the receivers were slightly better. Johnson finally guessed right on Darrell Jackson (4/28) who had 18 points and Hines Ward (12/112) had his fourth all pro game with 16. The Brent offensive flex flexed some record muscle as they tied their own Week 3 51 point record. Johnson likened his team to his favorite �Green Bay for course. They have a dominant running game, some good receivers, and a QB that throws up a lot of picks.� Speaking of throwing up, Brent Farf got some disdain from Johnson for his crappy play from the bench: �It was Detroit? (Shakes head).� Johnson then mumbled something else, but it wasn�t caught by recorders. Ryan Longshanks (12/83) had yet another terrible game with just 2 points � against the Lions? (shakes head) Anthony Becht (4/8) played like �Christmas in the desert. Xmas lights on cactus just doesn't work.� Overall, Johnson said on his team�s fifth time scoring over 100 points, �Wow! Lets build from this game and carry it into next week.� In fact, the win moved the Brents passed Envy and Losers on the overall standings. The Coroners have been blown out 7 times and allowed 100+ points for the 6th time and were swept by the Brents and fell to 2-7 against the Brents and I am just trying to pad this recap until it reaches its 32nd line. There, I did it.
Week 14 previews - Week 14 features yet another marquis matchup as one of the pretenders to the throne attacks one of the monarchs as the Brents look up at the Ballbusters. For his part, Owner Steve Johnson said, �This is when it really starts to count! A must win for sure.� Johnson surely remembers the 101-77 whupping the Busters gave him the last time, but he is apparently giving up on this week as well as he has installed Brent Farf as his QB again. Farf against Manning? Ugh. Owner Rich Joseph said, quite correctly, �Pity the fool!� There are no changes to the Buster lineup. The co-leading Bull City Beers take on long time foe Syracuse 44�s. Like the Busters, the Beers whupped the 44�s in Week 5 � 110-77 and lead the series 8-3. Owner John Stoer was unimpressed by the past as he has the future to look upon, �I have but one simple statement: While we have often not found the strength, courage or will to defeat the best of the best, I GUARANTEE VICTORY THIS WEEK AGAINST THE BEERS!!!!!!� Whoa, he�s trying to be like Chad �the Prophet� Johnson. To back up his boast, Stoer has put Amani Toomer, Jimmy Smith, and Kendrell Bell in the lineup. Owner Randy Chambers has not changed his lineup and said, �Santana Moss has invited Ray Lewis to a "party". He's sending a limo to pick his 'Cane homey up...� Oh man, it�s not a good idea to stir Ray-Ray up. The Losers championship hopes took a big hit in Week 13, but if they lose to the Envy in Week 14 you can say good night to the Einar. Owner Perry Missner�s lineup is not looking too great with Byron Leftwich and Kevan Barlow as the new recruits as their previous showings have been poor. Missner said, �I don�t like seeing McNair on the other side, but Urlacher is going to spy him. We are sitting A-train for now with negative man Kevan Barlow getting the spot start. If the doctors give us the ok, Thomas will be back and ready to hit some Losers.� Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen hopes to return to his 85-72 Week 5 win and said, �Hopefully playing the last place team can cure my losing streak.� The other two games have little playoff implications, which is a very odd position for Owner Jason Moore to be in. Moore finds his Cubists below .500 for the first time this late in the season and they face the surging Wookies. Owner Will Mitchell has returned Dante Hall to the lineup but hasn�t made any changes. Mitchell knows his team can beat the Cubists as they did in Week 5, 80-66, and said, �maybe I'll sling some more hash and ride off into 04...by the way I won my division in the VBFL and have a first round bye next week...benched Bledsoe there too.� Oh, those minor leagues are so very interesting. Hopefully, Mitchell will be able to muster enough interest in Modano to battle the Cubists who have not made any changes to their lineup yet. Moore said, �This is a lost season. Jamal Lewis is a keeper, but other than that it is wide open. Auditions start now.� Go Todd Heap Go! And the last two owners have not been heard from in some time. Will the Cookies coach themselves again or will Amber show up? Will the Coroners be able to avenge their 61-81 Week 5 loss to tip the series 3-6? Wait until Sunday to find out all of the results.
----------------------------------The Power to Move You Press------------------------