Peaks Island Wookies 125 Bull City Beers 51 While no one would say with any certainty that there aren�t certain factors that an owner can control to allow their team to achieve more wins than losses (don�t play hurt players or players on the bye, for exampled), there are other factors that float up to the spiritual realm that have their effect as well. Owner Randy Chambers had assiduously kept players out of his lineup who were playing against his beloved Washington Redskins. His controversial benching of Shaun Alexander in Week 10 might not have helped his team gain points, but the win was certainly a result of the good karma bestowed upon the team. Without fully realizing it until it was too late, Chambers brought bad mojo upon his team by leaving TE Randy McMichael in the lineup. Although McMichael was playing the Sunday night game, his appearance in lineup cards everywhere not only was the most probably cause of the Beers losing, but also caused the Redskins to lose to the Dolphins. At first, Chambers blamed his astrological report on Saturday which claimed he could �stay in bed as long as he wanted on Sunday.� Our insider reporters, however, claimed that Chambers was up bright and early on Sunday, so astrology could not have been the cause. When asked what the deal was with his misappropriations of the truth, Chambers replied angrily, �How dare you accuse me of lying!! Why I never... Oh, yeah, there was the time in high school (back in the glory days of Joes Gibbs), when I told Sto's parents that he �wasn't feeling too well, and should go to bed.� As soon as I closed the door and left, he turned to his mother and said �Mom, I'm drunk.� At least he didn't puke on her.� While there was no puking on Mom at that time, the way the Beers responded in Week 13 left Chambers with a slightly dizzy feeling. While being tipsy may improve Chambers� singing ability (In the shower: 5.5, Kids Songs: 6.5, Drunk: 11.0), it did not help dull the pain as the studs of the Beers� lineup were mostly shut down. The Beers, who lead the league in TD scoring, had just one visit to the endzone and certainly did not use their �Dome-field advantage. This team is born to run.� Santana Moss (8/94) had the TD but was unable to score any other points. The Detroit Lions held down two of the Beers� main men as neither Daunte Culpepper (9/173) nor Randy Moss (11/128) looked interested in being on the grid iron. Shaun Alexander (10/111) and Torry Holt (11/143) were also held down by the Wookie defensive scheme. When asked who didn�t perform as well as he thought they would, Chambers answered curtly, �That's an impossible question to answer. Next,� then Chambers refused to give any member of his team a gameball, preferring instead to give it to P-Miss Envy WR Chad Johnson, who received three gameballs on the day. While the Beers were having trouble finding any points, the Wookies, who left two open slots for Sunday�s action, were scoring points unlike at any point this season. Owner Will Mitchell, who spread scorn around to the entire �the coaching staff - we forgot 2 players - but made up a MNF fill in,� jumped on the Kitna train and sped into victory lane. The team was playing like they do they in their favorite conditions, �snow ice hail and wind.� Jon Kitna (3/46) came out firing with 4 TD�s and 29 points. Without Ricky Williams demanding carries, Deuce McAllister (11/138) had his best game with 28 points. The Wookie highs at QB and RB would have been enough to beat the Beers, but the team also received highs from their WR � Rod Smith (10/67) with 11 � and TE � Daniel Graham (6/20) with 9. Only Andre Davis (2/10) was as off key as a Mitchell family member as Mitchell noted, �1...if thats the low end...i cant keep a tune and now my 5 year old james is afflicted the same way - twinkle twinkle little star in monotone is rough.� Adam Vinatieri (10/73) and Rodney Harrison (7/63) also had double digit games as the Wookies upped their season high by more than 30 points. Commenting on the Beers� worst blowout in team history (worse than the 90-44 beating they took in 1998 from the Envy), Chambers commented, �Putrid. Viva P-miss.� Mitchell, who had not had that winning feeling in the last five weeks, said, �I�ve had weeks where my TEAM didn�t do what Deuce or Kitna did on their own this week [the season low was 29] - it must�ve been the Beers opponent thing - I just always pound beers � [Actually, the Wookies record against the Beers is now 2-7] The 9-game winning streak ends here! Me and the Envy taking down the 9-2 powers.�
P-Miss Envy 83 The Ballbusters 71 Knowing that the Wookies blew the doors off the Beer-mobile, Owner Rich Joseph saw his opportunity to once again climb to the top of the Modano heap. Opportunity denied! In Week 3, Owner Perry Missner and his P-Miss Envy were not yet the laughing stock of the league, but just another struggling franchise. Fast forward 10 weeks and we saw the Envy stuck in a 7 game losing streak, the worst in franchise history. Missner copied the Beer game plan from Week 11, featuring a dominant runner and receiver (never mind the QB) � well, not exactly the Beer game plan, but the result was the same. The stand out performer was WR Chad Johnson (11/108) who had his best game of the season, snagging three TD�s and getting 25 points. Johnson received the gameball from Missner (�solidifying a keeper status�) and Joseph, �he's not a Ballbuster but was the difference in the game and all my players SUCKED!� Joseph�s statement was made in the angry glow after the game, but wasn�t completely on the mark. Priest Holmes (11/180) reclaimed the league scoring lead by scoring 18 points on a TD and a bunch of yards. It was Holmes� 7th all pro game. Other than the holy Priest, however, we agree with Joseph�s assessment of his team. His worst act, even by his own admission, was playing Kelly Campbell (1/1) who �was my sleeper of the day!� He�s still sleeping. Campbell�s single point was the same as what Joseph rated himself as a singer, �1 - My family recorded me singing in the shower 20 years ago and have never let me live it down! Feelings.....wo wo wo feelings! Remember that one?� Yikes! While Campbell was the worst, Joseph also had mixed feelings about Keenan McCardell (5/33), Fred Taylor (11/92), and Tony Gonzalez (11/71) � all of whom combined for less than 10 points. Speaking of mixed feelings, Joseph has them about white lies: �The last time I told a white lie I didn't get [to knock boots] for a couple of days until I told another one.....�You look incredibly gorgeous tonight.� For that white lie I was well rewarded! How do you figure?� Joseph also noted that the chilly, fall air was not conducive to his team�s better play, �We like sunny and warm...I have a bunch of [sheilas] on my team!� No one would ever call an member of the Envy team a sheila. Along with the aforementioned Chad Johnson, Ricky Williams (11/108) made his Envy debut a successful one with two TD dives and 19 points. Williams� performance along with fellow RB Michael Bennett (3/12), who has 10 points, left Missner feeling optimistic, much like his singing voice, which he deemed a �9.5, those listening would say closer to 3.� As the storm clouds moved in, the Envy�s chance of winning increased: �The worse weather, the better chance we have to win. We like the slop as our horses can drive right through it, while others use the finesse passing game which the wind and precipitation will knock down.� Missner commented on his team�s second win of the season, �It had been so long since we won that I had almost forgotten what it felt like. Ricky Williams gets special commendations for his tough running and a pre-game speech right out of the pages of Will Mitchell�s fiery playbook. We can still play a part in this race!� A befuddled Joseph said, �The Ballbusters had better wake up quickly before they watch the Super Bowl from their living rooms!�
Einar�s Lovable Losers 86 Veaselicious Cookies 77 No two teams hate each other more than the Cookies and Losers, so it seemed fitting that the league�s 500th game (counting from 1998) be played between the two. Owner Dan Weitz had retaken control of his team as daughter Amber could not muster up the requisite hate for the Weitz family rival. While Weitz was proud of his daughter�s general tolerance on one hand, he knew that a soft touch would not help his team gain a measure of revenge from the humiliating Week 3 loss against the Losers. Weitz pulled every psychological plot out of the Bill Parcells kit. For example, he tried to start as many players with girls� names as he could find (Kelly, Kris, Jamie, Travis�). Weitz pushed a severally injured Marcus Pollard (7/24) onto the field, even though Pollard declared himself unfit for play. Only two players on the offense seemed to respond to Weitz�s efforts: Marshall Faulk (7/51) who continued his mini renaissance with 14 and Brian Westbrook (2/16) who made his Cookie debut with 12. LB Jamie Sharper (11/86) proved he can play for any member of the Weitz family with his second straight all pro game of 15. He was the only she who showed up though. QB Kelly Holcomb (3/6) continued to tantalize with good games from the bench and 2 points when he starts. Kris Chambers (11/72) had only four points and Derrick Mason (11/74) had just three points. When Cookie players were asked if they preferred Weitz�s authoritarian, sometimes out of control swearing ways or Amber�s quiet, playful demeanor, there was a clear split. The runners enjoyed having Weitz back but the receivers preferred Amber�s method. We�ll have to see who takes control in Week 13. For Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen, it was just business as usual. The Losers have only lost to the Cookies once in Modano action and had the double satisfaction of beating the Weasel in other, minor league action on ESPN. Yet trouble may be brewing for the Einar as the win was not without its sacrifices. Cookie defensive players were instructed to use every tool in their arsenal to slow the Loser attack. Some of the illegalities perpetuated caused the Week 13 Loser injury list to involve their complete roster. Most seriously, Steve �Air� McNair (10/158) went down with a bruised calf when he was leg whipped by Dexter Jackson. McNair did manage to score 12 points, but his availability for Week 13 was in question. The Losers were led by Edgerrin James (9/93) who has been huge the last two weeks. Ahole �Put it on the Green� (11/173) scored 10 points and the gameball was given to Matt Stover (6/58) who had 14. The Einar is still miffed at Keyshawn Johnson for getting himself deactivated, but the Losers may profit by not having that loudmouth around. The Einar believed the forecast for snow helped his team defeat the sometimes Dallas-based Cookies. Overall, the Einar commented, �Another matchup against Weasel, another victory. Domination!�
Syracuse 44�s 105 County Coroners 72 Sometimes all it takes is a fortunate player move or a trade to get a team to start performing up to expectations. For the early part of the season, the Syracuse 44�s had seemed like a computer without an electrical outlet: there was potential to do many useful things, but there was just one necessary component missing. The missing component was leadership. Since their arrival four weeks ago, both QB Donovan McNabb (8/76) and LB Ray Lewis (11/110.5) have supplied it with some left over. Each were given a gameball for their performances in Week 12 and they certainly deserved it. McNabb, who has scored 53 points in 3 appearances with the 44�s (after scoring 23 points in 5 Envy showings), led the lineup with 17 points on just one TD. It seems that Owner John Stoer just knows how to call plays for McNabb. On defense, Stoer just lets Lewis, who matched McNabb�s 17 and leads all defensive scorers, run the squad. Lewis seems to know what he is doing as he has tutored Dwight Freeney (5/21) and brought great things out of Ed Reed (7/68) who blocked a kick, returned it for a TD, and had 17 points as well. To everyone�s surprise, the worst rated running attack in the league showed some muscle. Eddie George (9/54) ran through confused Coroner defenders and Warrick Dunn (6/44) ran around them as the two combined for 27 points. According to Stoer, �No one [performed below expectations]. Everyone performed as I thought they would.� Leadership of another kind was supplied by TE Shannon Sharpe (7/53). Without great point production (just 3 points), Sharpe sang loudly out of tune (much like his owner, who would rate his singing voice �on a broader scale, say into the negative numbers, I would be far worse than 1.�) and appeared to intimidate the Coroners in the manner of an anti-siren. This game marked the first time in 44 franchise history that the team has scored 100+ points in three games in a row and each of these games has turned out to be a blowout. Owner Chad Nuss�s County Coroners weren�t completely without hope. WR Anquan Boldin (10/68) continued to surpass expectations as he scored a Coroner high 22 points. It�s rather sad that with all of the formerly great Raider receivers, it is a Cardinal who is leading the squad. Tyrone Wheatley (2/24) and Stephen Davis (10/103) continued to pound between the tackles for another 20 points and Charles Tillman (5/46) was once again a rookie inspiration with 9 points. The Coroners had a slight glimmer of hope on Monday night as Kerry Collins (5/50) and Martin Gramatica (11/56) were left on the docket. However, it appeared that Collins had fallen off the wagon as he stumbled around the pocket and deftly placed the ball on the ground or in the waiting hands of 44 defenders. A clue to Collins� dismal performance came from Stoer�s post game conference, �Another balanced effort. McNabb and Lewis are obviously happy to be back in Syracuse and the pre-game keg we sent over as a gift to Kerry Collins sure seemed to do the trick.� Collins was not available for comment after the game.
Brentful Brents 70 San Francisco Cubists 64 Where once upon a time, you could count on either the Brents or the Cubists to supply some huge point performances or some high light reel material, it seems that both teams have fallen into a rut and championship glory may not be available to either of them. Owner Steve Johnson has had his eye on the prize all season long. He has demonstrated his desire to win by keeping inbred moron QB Brent Farf on the bench almost all season. Unfortunately, inbrededness seems to be a slowly contagious and QB Marc Bulger (9/122) has proven susceptible. Bulger started the season on fire, but has become more and more limited by his own intelligence. Where once he could make quick reads and get the ball to the proper receiver, now he holds the ball too long and gets sacked too often. Johnson noticed, �Mmmmm, who to pick? @(^(#$*(@(*(@# Bulger! Get your skinny white [tushy] on the bench! You were playing like a keeper and now you�re lucky to be on the team! Just be glad the rest of the team covered your [glutimus maximus]! The Rams might not bench you against a [lousy smelling] MN team, but I sure as hell will!� Whew! We�d hate to see Johnson when he gets mad. On a scale of 1-10, Johnson gave Bulger the same score as his singing voice �0 - I do not sing. (Although I do have a lovely speaking voice).� Johnson was a bit more pleased by his RB�s. LaDainian Tomlinson (11/143) had a nice day with 15 for his 6th all pro game and Clinton Portis had 12, but was unable to pierce the Chicago Bears� defense for a TD in a losing effort. Johnson commented, �My RBs kept me in the game but I have to give Jay Foreman (7/53) his props. He had a big game and shut Tiki down to seal the win.� Foreman scored 17 and was the third different defensive player for the Brents to score an all pro game in the last three weeks. All pro games have been few and far between for Owner Jason Moore and his Cubists. Where once the team would score in the 100�s routinely, Moore has to use every fiber of his being just to muster a 70+ point day from his squad. The team did receive a TD apiece from Tommy Maddox (3/26), who is of no relation to Gary Maddox or Greg Maddux, and Terrell Owens (11/96), who is of no relation to Jesse Owens or Owens Corning. Moore doled the gameball out to Donnie Edwards (9/83) for his 14 points and continuance of the Cubists having the top-rated defensive flex. [Argh]. As for sucky players, Moore refused to name one as �it was too close to call.� On his team�s 6th loss, Moore commented, �We haven't had the spark this year. Could have something to do with my relocation to Durham.� It could also just be the law of averages finally catching up with Moore. Johnson, who was in a fine mood despite his team�s second consecutive unimpressive win, was more than willing to offer up some advice for the sparkless Moore, �even when they know your lying, those women love to hear it when you get all mushy.� Johnson commented further, �Man, things couldn't be going much better for me. Only one game back, baby!�
Week 13 previews - If the Beers and Busters couldn�t pass their arithmetic tasks in Week 12 (quick 8X11, what is it?), they had better be ready for some trigonometry level questions in Week 13. Sine, anyone? Tangent? Cosecant? The Bull City Beers, leading the league in scoring, take on a team that is just one game behind them, Einar�s Lovable Losers. Owner Randy Chambers commented, �Well now that that's out of our system, let's just hope it was a 24-hour puking bad flu bug due to the change in weather, and not the beginning of the end. We need to knock the Einar out of the race, so it's time to air it all out!� Despite wanting to air it out, Chambers has left Jerome Bettis in the lineup in hopes of matching his 103-86 win in Week 4. The Einar, whose has a 3-3 record against the Beers, has not changed his lineup and hopes that Steve McNair can play. As far as comments go, Einar said, �Big matchup, don't choke!� In order to keep pace with the Beers, Owner Rich Joseph will have to steward his team past the San Francisco Cubists, who were beaten 104-85 in Week 4. Joseph commented, �We've been watching films of the Cubists worst losses [generally to the Envy prior to this year] for since the game ended Monday night. We know all their weaknesses and we're ready!� Joseph has not changed his lineup but has threatened a T.J. Duckett showing. Corey Dillon makes his triumphant return to the Cubist lineup and it looks Tommy �Gun� Maddox, no relation to Mad Al Hrabosky, will also be there. A weary Owner Jason Moore said, �Let's see if we can get up for the new kid.� Lurking behind the leaders and tied with the Einar is fellow Packer lover Owner Steve Johnson and his demented Brents, who take their 6-2 series lead on the road to face the County Coroners. The Brents won an exciting 101-95 battle in Week 4 and are sure to want to win their third in a row. Tiring of Marc Bulger�s weak play, Johnson is starting Trent Green for the first time this season. Apparently, Trent is �so money that he doesn�t even know it.� Chris Draft also returns to the Brent lineup after a one week sabbatical. Johnson sang, �Win! Win! Win! I still have my eye on the prize!� No changes or comments from Coroners Owner Chad Nuss. The 44�s try to continue their second half surge when they face the Cookies (with or without Amber). In Week 4, the 44�s rocked the Cookies by a 90-57 margin and hold a 7-4 series advantage. However, Owner John Stoer is resorting to some heelish tactics of his own to try and disturb the Weitz family. Currently, Stoer is going with Emmitt Smith, the rundown warrior that was a staple of the Cookie lineup for years and years. Smith is basically a shell of his former self and will surely do nothing against the Bears defense, but it makes for good copy. Making for bad copy is the insertion of Javon �Dumb as a Post� Walker. Walker is renowned for being one of the few players (Tony Mandarich and Brent Farf being the others) to have a negative score on the Wonderlich test. Mikhael Ricks is making his first 44 start in place of Shannon Sharpe is suffering the worst kinds of pains from verbal incontinence. Nothing has changed for the Cookies yet, but we�ll have to see if the play of Emmitt or the family power struggle will resume. Last week at this time, we would have called the Envy-Wookies tilt the toilet bowl, but now both teams are coming off inspiring wins over the top teams in the league. Will that inspiration carry over to Week 13? Owner Will Mitchell has finally set his lineup before game time and it boasts some new additions, including Justin McCareins and Jerry Azumah � always a smart play. Mitchell noted, �the Kitna to Johnson express will offset...but will Ricky haunt me already?� Yes, Ricky Williams is facing the team he supported for 2+ years. Williams had a beautiful 19 points in his first Envy action, but has vowed to open holes for Anthony Thomas in Week 13. Owner Perry Missner, whose team notched its first win of the season in Week 4 (86-80) against the Wookies, but still trails the series 2-5, also returns Brad Johnson and Jeremy Shockey to the lineup. However, Missner was looking to the other side of the ball to provide some points, �This is our only chance at a sweep this season. Ricky has provided a number of keys, but we are counting on our defense to ramp it up a bit. Fu-jita!�
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