Bull City Beers 87 The Ballbusters 70 If there was one thing we learned from the uber-matchup between the red hot Beers and piping hot Ballbusters, it was that heat multiplied by heat does not equal more heat. Neither team had scored less than 99 points since Week 3, so many pundits believed that a combined score of 300+ points was possible. While those pundits did not have their wish fulfilled, the game was taut with drama and the potential for a new mega-rivalry as there was some scorn shown on both sides. Owner Rich Joseph, who believes that 30% of the world’s population is comprised of jerks, got his team out to the early lead on the strength of a Tony Gonzalez (10/69) TD. This lead did not hold up as the Beers’ Torry Holt (10/134) snatched a TD of his own and 16 points for his 5th all pro performance. Owner Randy Chambers believes the jerk percentage to be “About 2.35% of the US population, though virtually all of them either work in pro sports (Selig, Fehr, Deion, Paul McGuire, [Farf]) or the present Administration.” However, one guy that Chambers has true admiration for is Bengals Coach Marvin Lewis, who found a way to bottle up Priest Holmes (10/162). Holmes found neither the endzone nor double digit points (6 pts) and disappointed Joseph mightily. Joseph commented that Priest should learn the valuable lesson he has derived from sports, “The importance of being away from women on a regular basis.” What, no WNBA, for you? While one P-man fell, the other rose as Peyton Manning (6/121) received the gameball for his 19 point performance, his 4th all pro game. Other late game Busters came up small – see, David Boston (5/24) who had 0 and Simeon Rice (9/78) who scored just 2 points. Fortunately for Joseph, who believes fellow Owner Perry Missner said, “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” [Thanks for playing, but you couldn’t be more wrong], the Beers also had some off performances. The R-boys on the Beer offense could only offer a point a piece – they including the debuting Rod Gardner (4/9), TE Randy McMichael (10/43), and surprisingly Randy Moss (10/125). Despite the three of a kind of bullets, Chambers said that his scorn went to the “The loudmouthed Ballbusters.” Apparently, Chambers had bristled upon reading, “’The leagues high scoring team gets pushed down to third place. They start a different streak....two losses in a row!!’ Famous last quotes, Rich Joseph Edition. Ahhh, rookies. They never know when to shut up.” In order to get Joseph to shut up, the Beers had to get big performances from their late game players besides Randy Moss, and they did. QB Daunte Culpepper (8/168), now the league’s leading scorer, just eeked over the all pro mark with 15 points as his TD’s and two point conversion overcame his scary amount of turnovers. Culpepper was buoyed by Shaun Alexander (9/106), the 5th member of the Beer century club, and gameball sharer Santana Moss (7/88) who had 10 points. Chambers thought the Einstein quote could probably be attributed to “the Nebraska footballer who said "That 'N' does not just stand for Nebraska. It stands for nowledge." Close, but not quite. The Busters had one last chance at glory with a big Monday night performance from WR Tai Streets (5/24), but Streets came up with air – and a zero. Joseph attributed the loss to “bad coaching.” Chambers, being a bit more loquacious, said that Joseph had overlooked a number of valuable sports-related rules, “1. Never run your mouth, just because your team is in first place. Life can quickly humble you. 2. Style often outweighs substance. 3. Steroids are good for you. You can go to the Hall of Fame, or the California's governor's mansion!” Furthermore, Chambers commented, “In this league, once a champion, always a champion. Just as the Cubists have been the League's measuring stick for years, you don't give bulletin-board material to the team. In the name of Pussier, Roenick and Don Sweeney, so long as the Modano trophy sits on my shelf, this team will defend it from all comers with vim and vigor.”
Syracuse 44’s 102 Einar’s Lovable Losers 66 Just when you think you can bury Owner John Stoer and lay the 44’s to rest, they put on a late season spurt and make you question everything you thought you knew. Much like in Weeks 3-4 when the 44’s overwhelmed their competition, the 44’s have got their groove on again, but this time Syracuse has hit triple digits. This week’s competition was the commentless Einar has his Lovable Losers. While some may pooh-pooh their chances, with a win, the Losers could have been just a game out of first place. At least that’s how Edgerrin James (8/75) saw it as he came out hibernation to score three TD’s and 28 points. James was given the gameball by the Einar. The Einar said the only lesson he has learned from sports is “Losing to the Weasel is not an option.” Sadly, none of the other Losers showed up. A few of the Einar’s decisions played out poorly as Peter Warrick had 22 from the bench only to be replaced by Keyshawn Johnson (5/14) who scored 2 and was later cut by the Buccaneers for being a jerk. Einar commented, “Keyshawn!!!! OUT? WTF.” Speaking of jerks, the optimistic Stoer said that the jerk percentage is “1-2% with a polling margin of 3-4%. [Negative jerk percentage?] Most people are pretty decent, the jerks just get all the ink.” Stoer’s moves worked out a bit better. The controversial benching of Donovan McNabb (22 points), who was sent home to get his timing down perfectly with Marvin Harrison, was inconsequential as Matt Hasselbeck (5/73) had 19 points for his third all pro game. The 44’s have now scored all pro QB games four times in a row (the third best current streak to the Busters 5 in a row and, of course, the Beers 11). Hasselbeck’s favorite target was the ebullient Shannon “Horseface” Sharpe (6/50) who had the year’s best tight end performance with three TD’s and 24 points. This ranks as the second best TE performance in Modano history. Speaking of quotable, Stoer believed the Einstein quote was uttered by, “Knowing the press, there are a few choices, and since I do not know I'll guess Terry Bradshaw. Sounds like something he'd say.” Oh, that is ever so close, but you must look closer to home to get it right. While Hasselbeck and Sharpe cornered the 44 TD market, big yardage performances were contributed by Warrick Dunn (5/30) and Rudi Johnson (3/46) who combined for 23 without sniffing the endzone. Stoer was displeased with Jimmy “Crackhead” Smith (4/19) who contributed nothing to the win except a willingness to pah-tay afterward. Stoer indicated that he had learned many valuable lessons from sports, including, “Winning can bouy the soul, losing sucks [half-smoke], but don't get either too high or too low because there is inevitably always another game to play.” How true. On the buoying win, Stoer commented, “Much has been written about the impact of McNabb and Lewis, but the unsung heroes for our club the past two weeks have been Corey "Ow, my big fat contract strained my girly groin" Dillon and his replacement Rudi "Bring that weak ass tackling on" Johnson. I'm sure the whiny-ass bitch Dillon will steal carries away from my boy in coming weeks so let me thank Rudi now for his contributions. Oh yeah, and it's always nice to beat the Einar.”
Veaselicious Cookies Presented by Amber 81 Peaks Island Wookies 72 The first family of Modano Mi Hermano football, the Weitzes, have had an interesting year. This is the first time that young Amber had been promoted to full ownership and previous owner Dan Weitz had been taken away and heavily sedated. The team responded to the change of ownership enthusiastically. No, they did not always win, but the pride of ownership seemed to shine through as each player seemed willing to put their life on the line for their 8-year-old owner. Amber even received protection from a number of team members from 3rd grade boys, “who are 100% jerks, even though I am not supposed to say words like that.” When facing the Wookies, the Cookies handicapped themselves a bit in Week 11 by refusing to score TD’s. Only Jake Delhomme (1/10) making his league debut scored a TD, but the yards were coming aplenty. It was clear to Amber that the speaker of the Einstein quote was a QB, but she warned, “the media better not be picking on Troy Aikman again or me and my posse will be laying some serious smackdown on that Missner punk!!” Hey, that doesn’t sound like Amber at all!!! While Aikman was relatively close, he could never utter something as interesting as that quote. He even has a running article in the Sporting News for which he posited this week that “touchdowns are worth more than field goals.” Thank goodness for the mute button. Amber handed the gameball to Mushin Muhammed (2/10) “because he has a funny name and proved the media wrong.” Muhammed’s 9 points were equaled by Travis Henry (9/99) and defenseman Dexter “the laboratory” Jackson (4/29). The team was led by Jamie Sharper (10/71) who contributed an all pro game, but is still too closely related to a Packer for our comfort. For Owner Will Mitchell, losing to a young girl’s team is just latest in a string on humiliations which began with allowing the Envy to get their only win of the season. Mitchell used a D-attack by starting 6 guys who started their name with the letter “D.” DEUCE McAllister (10/110) was given the gameball was for his 21 point eruption, but DANIEL “Grambo” Graham (5/11) fell back to his pointless ways. Mitchell also thought the Einstein quote was a Missner creation. Thanks a lot – we’ll remember that slight! Rod Smith (9/56) proved that he wasn’t part of the 30% of jerks by returning a punt for a TD and scoring 14 points. The Wookie D, which totaled 12 points, did not subscribe to any of the lessons that Mitchell has learned from sports, “Run fast, play hard, drink Gatorade.” Yes, there was a lot of cramping going on in the trio of Rodney Harrison (6/50), Dexter McCleon (2/7) and Madonna Strahan (7/48). On the team’s fifth straight loss, Mitchell commented, “another week another loss...or...no comment...or...drew is not going to lead this team next year.” Amber said she had learned valuable lessons from the win, “Watch out for big butts. It’s ok to make the other team cry. And guys named Dean should not take their shirts off. So my Dad tells me all the time.” Amber went on to say, “It looks like the Mad dogs are finally buying into being coached by an 8 yr old. I had to bust a few skulls in the beginning but its really starting to become fun. I'm even thinking of asking some of the guys to babysit me and my sisters so my Dad can "put the moves on mom" as he likes to say all the time.” Which, from what we hear, happens every Thursday night at 7:30PM…
County Coroners 96 San Francisco Cubists 76 Their season may have been ruined by the opening 7 losses in a row, but when a light clicks on in Owner Chad Nuss’s head, he sticks with the successful idea. Four weeks ago, with all of his Raiders at home on the bye, Nuss put together a squad of ne’er-do-wells and waiver compost that achieved the team’s first victory. Since then, the perennial underdog has had a taste of victory and decided the taste is quite sweet. In facing their longtime nemesis, the San Francisco Cubists, the Coroners used an interesting mix of Raider and non-Raider materials to blend into a winning mixture. The non-Raiders got the scoring started for the Coroners as QB Kerry Collins (4/56) threw accurately and Stephen Davis (9/94) ran with purpose and combined for 23 points. Meanwhile, the Cubists received just 6 points from their QB Aaron Brooks (8/109) and RB Jamal Lewis (10/111) – both of whom received scorn from their Owner Jason Moore. Perhaps neither will be back for 2004. The Coroners later busted out their Raider paraphernalia to get a few more TD’s. Tyrone Wheatley (1/13) was picked up just before gametime and was so inspired by Stephen Davis’ running that he scored 13 himself. The top Raider performance was submitted by Philip Buchanon (9/52) who scored his second TD in as many games and had the second highest defensive performance of the year with 22. Buchanon was supported by super-rookie DB Charles “Peanut” Tillman (4/37) who had another solid outing with 14 points. To no one’s surprise, the only Coroner who did not perform to even mediocre standards was Dick Driver (9/26) who had one point and should be cut immediately. The Cubists only received one TD on Sunday and that was from Tiki Barber (10/83) who has actually scored 3.5 points less than Ronde. Donnie Edwards (8/69) led the league’s leading defense with 13 points. Marcel Shipp (5/31) was unable to score and as he jogged off the field, Moore pulled him aside and said, “Nobody will hate you forever for screwing up, but they may dislike you for a long time.” Terrell Owens (10/87) scored 16 points on Monday to keep the Cubists out of a blowout situation was given the gameball. Moore, who questioned his own quotable knowledge with a question mark, actually knew who said the Einstein quote, but we’ll leave it open until the next recap so you will continue to read. Of course, you wouldn’t stop reading here, would you? On the team’s fifth loss and being just two games ahead of the Beers in the overall standings, Moore commented, “This is nothing new, but the players on this team need to understand that 2's and 4's aren't enough to win.” Moore then pointed to the media throng gathered around his dais and pronounced, “30% of you are jerks.”
Brentful Brents 71 P-Miss Envy 66 In Week 11, Owner Steve Johnson that no matter how tempting, he will not bow to media pressure. At the end of Week 10, the media had suggested it might be time to bring back Johnson’s favorite hillbilly moron, Brent Farf, as incumbent QB Marc Bulger (8/120) had started to look flawed and a loss to Farf would further stamp out the dim light that had once been the Envy season. Johnson refused to listen, stayed with Bulger, and is one victory richer because of his steadfastness. Bulger was responsible for the only two Brent TD’s and led the offense with 14 points. Yet, somehow Johnson passed on Bulger for the gameball, giving it to defensive player Nick Barnett (6/49) who did not play terribly. Johnson spread his scorn wide as he said, “Everyone except Bulger was pretty lackadaisical, and Bulger wasn't on his game.” It’s true that Bulger looked rather skittish in playing the Bears [although the end of the Bears’ game, which was close and exciting, was once again pre-empted for that goddamn Larry McCarren pre-game Packer show. I gotta move.], but at least he put up some scores. Speaking of Larry McCarren, Johnson believes “Everyone has jerk in them, it just depends when you want to let that jerk inside you out.” Some call that jerking off. The Envy defense stuffed the vaunted Brent running attack without a TD. LaDainian Tomlinson (10/128) was held to just two points and neither Clinton Portis (8/97) nor Moe Williams (9/87) cracked double digits. The Brent receiving corps was similarly stifled as Heinz Ward (), Laverneus Coles (9/59), and Alge Crumpler (9/33) were held to four points. With this lack of Brent production, how did the Envy not capture their second win of the season? It wasn’t due to the ground attack, which was quite strong. Anthony Thomas (6/62) rumbled for 12 points and was given the gameball for “running when the Bears give him the ball.” James Jackson (aka Jimmy J) (2/23) had a couple of close scores for the Envy’s 4th all pro game this season. Keith Bulluck (10/92) also had another strong game with 14 points. But one must look no further than the top of the Envy’s lineup to find a main culprit in the loss. The Envy QB slot in 2003 has been about the worst ever achieved. Byron Leftwich (1/-1) was the new starter and he contributed the 4th negative QB game. The Envy QB’s are averaging a collective 4.18 ppg. Ugh. The Envy kicking game, which led the league last year, has also dropped to the bottom – averaging just 5.64 ppg. Paul Edinger (5/28) had just three PAT’s and a missed Figgie. Edinger was sent to the waiver heap soon after the game, but he still isn’t a jerk. Missner commented, “Based on my studies, I’d say that everyone who lives next to me is a jerk. Other than that, I’d say about 25%.” Yeah, I am talking about you, hearing impaired Ned. How was NYPD Blue last night? Missner continued to be flummoxed by the play of Brian Urlacher (10/61), who received scorn because “I am not sure what is wrong with him, but he just ain’t doing it.” Naturally, Missner was tipped off by the media on the Einstein quote as he revealed it was said by, “ESPN’s golden boy, Joe Theisman.” At least that comment, however unintentional, was funny – that’s more than can be said for Theisman on ESPN who is completely without humor. Johnson noted the win, “lucky in the matchup. I had an average game against a rebuilding Envy team. I'm betting next year will be a tougher fight.” On the valuable lessons he has learned in sports, especially this year of MmH, Missner said, “Sports have shown me how to lose gracefully and... how not to.” He then commented, “If only we’d played this game at a neutral site. The drunken hillbillyness of the fans and the members of the Brents bench were really disturbing. We’re playing tennis here, people! What, eh, football not tennis? Well, the sun was in our eyes it seemed the entire game and if I am not mistaken the wind was blowing in our faces in both halves. Then there was Jesus, he didn’t help us out at all.”
Week 12 previews - After their climactic battle against each other, the Beers and Busters get to take a week off, as it were, and play the stinky offal of the league. The Busters, aching from their first loss since the opening week of the season, get to play the league’s doormat – the P-Miss Envy. One point in the Envy’s favor was they kept the Busters to 49 points in their Week 3 match, but only scored 48 themselves. Owner Perry Missner commented, “We know that the Ballbusters will be on their toes as every game could mean another shot at the top by themselves. We played Rich tough last time and we plan on doing it again. Urlacher is on a short leash as if he doesn’t play well, he’ll be on the bench in Week 13.” Missner will give Byron Leftwich another shot, while Dallas Clark makes his return to the TE slot and Jason Hanson makes his kicked debut. Owner Rich Joseph hopes to return to the century zone, but hasn’t made any adjustments to his lineup yet. He commented, “got to keep the team from a "let down" slump need to bounce back against the underrated Envy!” The Beers take their 9 game winning streak to face the Wookies and their 5 game losing streak. Could the both streaks be broken? Owner Will Mitchell had his mind on other things when he commented, “mmmmmm ... beeeeeers...” Then he noted, “watch out for the trick play.” Perhaps the trickery will involve Andre Davis or Jon Kitna who make their returns to the lineup. Owner Randy Chambers hopes his team will come up with a more impressive effort than their Week 3 62-44 win over the Wookies to edge the series to 7-1. The Beers hope that Eric Moulds will be over his groin problems as he is in the lineup for now. Chambers commented, “We respect the Wookies. They battled us down the stretch in '02, so we know what Will's lads can do. By the way, Amber -- Chewy was a big walking carpet. Not dog. Shame on you.” We doubt that Amber cares one way or the other, but – what’s this? – we have a late breaking announcement coming via former Owner Dan Weitz, “My daughter will not be coaching the team this week due to the fact that she will not try to kill, destroy and maim everything associated with the Einar. The Einar has been this family's mortal enemy ever since I hired him to work for Pick n' Save those many years ago. Amber has run this team into the ground with her positive coaching style and genuine care for her, I mean my, players. This team was poised for greatness before I took my leave of absence to find a cure for cancer. Such an important game will not be left in her hands the Einar must be crushed so any hopes of Einar winning this league will be finished.” Weitz finished his statement by writing, “You all can kiss my ASS!!!!” An interesting re-introduction into the league. Before she was deposed, Amber said, “It’s the Einar what more can I say. I have a tremendous amount of respect for him as a coach and mentor. This is going to be an emotional game for me I wanna see the Einar succeed but my Dad is my Dad and I know if I lose I have to find another place to live; sniff-sniff.” It appears Amber’s place in the home is safe, but it was obvious that she just didn’t have the hatred needed for the Losers as appropriate. Weitz made the surprising move of cutting aged RB Emmitt Smith who claimed he was right on track to get his 1000 yard season – all he needed was 500 carries. Weitz has personally installed Kelly Holcomb, who had limited early success with the 44’s this year, and Brian Westbrook. Of course, Weitz should probably find another TE unless he wants his customary 0 from that spot. For his part, the Einar said, “There are 2 sure things in fantasy football: Perry not drafting [or playing, or picking up} a Packer and Weasel losing to the Einar!” Einar does hold the series advantage at 4-1 and won in Week 3 – 64-43. He has not changed his team’s lineup but would do best to get rid of “I’m bigger than the game” Keyshawn Johnson and a new TE wouldn’t hurt him either. A nice battle between two teams above .500 takes place as the San Francisco Cubists take on the Brentful Brents. After his Week 11 loss to the Coroners, Owner Jason Moore was in no mood to look to the future. He commented, “Whatever.” Ah, apathetic youth. The Cubists did win in Week 3, 93-66 and hold a series edge at 6-2. Owner Steve Johnson apologized in Week 3 for his team’s play, but for Week 12 he commented, “Way to go Beers. If you’re going to beat me, at least take out the top dog so I can at least still see the top.” Yes, it is up there somewhere. Johnson has put Reggie Wayne back in the lineup and Laverneus Coles back on the bench. In the last game, we have two teams, the 44’s and Coroners, who recently pulled their heads out of their butts and started winning. For Owner Chad Nuss and his Coroners, the winning of three of the four last games coincided with his benching of Raiders. The last meeting also coincided with the last 44 winning streak. The 44’s whooped the Coroners hard, 77-33 to push their record against the Coroners to 8-2. Stoer has reinserted his big guns, Donovan McNabb and Marvin Harrison, into the lineup. Johnnie Morton is also making an appearance. Stoer commented, “I let Shannon say a few words last time we faced the Coroners. He said something about hating the Raiders and that the Raiders are cheaters, yada yada yada. Here he is again: ‘You better start injecting those steroids double-time fellas, and get the good stuff, not the crap that Stubblefield and Romo have been mainlining. I mean if you are going to cheat, at least cheat and win like that hopped-up speed-freak Marcus Allen did back in what, '82 or '83. Bring it On, you f-ing cheaters!’”
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