Bull City Beers 99 Brentful Brents 98 Owner Randy Chambers had hit a tough dilemma. On Sunday mid-morning, he sat looking at his computer (he was not at church, although he had had worshipped �more than Sto�) and tried to figure out whether or not to do the right thing or the thing that would end up helping his fantasy team win. You see, his beloved Redskins were facing the Seahawks of Seattle and that meant Beer RB Shaun Alexander would be churning up yards against the mildly feebly Redskin D. At the same time, Chambers� equally beloved Beers were facing one of the two teams that had dealt him a loss in the early season, the Brentful Brents. While Owner Steve Johnson has shown the good sense not to play inbred hillbilly QB Brent Farf, this level of moral dilemma would never even appear on his radar (in re: Moe Williams v. Peckers). Knowing that Johnson would stoop to any level to get the win, Chambers had to decide if he should play by the rules. This wasn�t as simple as his fashion rules: �1. Clean undergarments. A must. 2. No rules. Except #1.� Not only was he considering benching Alexander, but also his replacement would be totally feeble, old time Beer Jerome Bettis. After hours of contemplation, Chambers knew he had to take the high road and placed Bettis in the lineup and Alexander on the bench. The move was immediately lauded by Owner Perry Missner, who does nothing if not playing for moral causes. Missner promised his gameball to Chambers, then 10 minutes later forgot all about it. Bettis (3/-1) started the festivities off for Chambers on a down note by scoring 0, while Alexander kept his 12 on the bench. After a slow first half, the game exploded in the second half with TD�s. Beer QB Daunte Culpepper (7/153) made a bold stand against the fierce Charger D with 4 TD�s and 35 points, while one of his TD�s went to WR Randy Moss (9/124) who had his 5th all pro game with 15. Both players lead their positions in scoring. Former-Envy draft pick Santana Moss (6/78) continued his miraculous play with his second straight all pro game of 16. With Torry Holt (9/118), the Beers now have the top three WR�s by average. Although the Beer passing attack was fine tuned, the Brent running game kept Johnson�s (who believes he has been to church �pretty close to zero times this year� team close. With Clinton Portis on the bye, LaDainian Tomlinson (9/126) and Moe Williams (8/80) picked up the slack, combining for 48 points. Heinz Ward (9/94) continued his payback of his former team with his third all pro game and 16 points. Johnson gave the gameball to �my WRs and RBs and the new guy. I rightfully shouldn't have been in this game but they out did themselves to get my hopes up, just so they could get crushed on Monday night.� But that�s getting ahead of ourselves. The new guy was LB Chris Draft (4/35) who had been acquired earlier in the week for 5th string QB Byron Leftwich and had 16 points. Draft became the third straight player who jumped off the Envy and immediately had his first all pro game of the season (Donovan �D-Cupp� McNabb and Ray Lewis being the others). Johnson, who lists his personal fashion rules as �I can't wear my Gap jeans more than 5 times a week, and V necks are for frat boy pussies,� made the major error of benching Laverneus Coles who had 18 points while leaving Darrell Jackson (3/7) and Reggie Wayne (2/21) in as they combined 5 points. Still trying to snare the media�s attention (how about these choices for football commentator�s �That Menard's guy, he is really up beat, but Kissenger would be great. How he would see through the plans and schemes, and who doesn't love that accent.), Johnson also kept Trent Green on the bench, while Green (which is at least half of Green Bay) had 30 points. D�oh. As for the end game, we�ll let Chambers describe it in a style much like his preferred �Britney Spears � because like Madden, she grunts and gyrates a lot:� �What a rush! This team scratched and clawed. The Bus, [who was given the gameball for �inspirational leadership] out of gas as a player, joined us for one week and provided the inspirational speech before the fourth quarter (aka, Sunday Night with Paul McGuire). �A six point lead with Bulger neutralizing Torry [Holt] (9/118), and two Peckers set to play tomorrow? Never give up. When the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor, did we give up? Hell no!� (Of course, Bluto Blutarsky was in better shape than the Bus, but the Bus lives.) We knew the magic Bus could somehow help us overcome the ghost of Heinz Ward, last year's MVP, on the opposite roster. Torry (3 points) went out and out-scored Bulger (7/106) [-3 points] somehow. Like the two Randys and Randy, the fellow-game ballers, Torry added a tackle to his total, scratching and clawing for every critical point. Santana Moss got a point in OT against the Raiders on a reverse. It's a game of yards, baybee. Going into OT (aka Monday Night), we knew we'd be OK, with the spirit of Perry Missner cursing Ryan Longshanks (9/65) [2 points] to come up short, of all things, on a field goal and Nick Barnett (5/34) [3 points] to let runners slip away from him in the mud. Revenge is ours!! Did I mention our depth? Zoom Bus, Magic Bus...� After announcing the previous passage in one long breath, Chambers expired in an exhausted pile. For his part, Johnson was fairly calm despite the ever so close loss caused by his own Packers, �When you loose [sic] a close game like this and leave solid players on the bench, it has to be the coach that gets the blame. I could blame Longwell for not having enough leg for a 45 yarder [and you should] or Barnett for taking a game off [and you should doubly � idiot dancer and prancer], but they shouldn't have had to win it. Oh ya, and Bulger really sucked.� Furthermore, �Best season series! If you overanalyze the positions, it's going to burn you. Now I am all but out of the race and can focus on getting my all time wins over .500.�
The Ballbusters 132 Veaselicious Cookies Presented by Amber 86 Early in the season, when her father was still in control of the team, l�il Amber knew that the Veaselicious Cookies had potential. She noted the fine Ballbuster lineup and was amazed that her father could steward the team to a win. Who knew that would be the last time the Busters would lose? Owner Rich Joseph is on a roll, using karma like it is going out of style. Even the defensive conjuring of the Belicheck-like Amber were no match for the team is now by itself in cranking out consecutive 100+ point games (the streak is now at 7). It was mostly the familiar suspects for the Busters this week. Joseph, who has been to his holy place �once or twice � for a wedding and Christmas Eve,� gave the gameball to Fred Taylor (9/83). Taylor, who enjoys daily, 5 hour groinal massages from Joseph, paid his owner back in spades by scoring a couple of TD�s and 22 points. Taylor�s production was equaled by Priest Holmes (9/156), the league�s leading scorer, who also had 22 points and 2 scores, but no massages. Peyton Manning (5/102), all rested up from his time on the bench, scored a couple of TD�s as well and had 17 points for his third all pro game. Even though his fondness for Manning is growing, Joseph said that �Drew Bledsoe would make a fine commentator because he would more popular than the current schlubs.� Pass catchers got in on the TD act as well as Keenan McCardell (4/31) made a sweet, one-handed grab, Steve Smith (3/30) continued his inspired play, and Tony Gonzalez (9/58) remained king of tight end mountain. Terri Glenn (4/40) received Joseph�s scorn and was yanked out of the lineup for not following Joseph�s only two fashion rules, �comfortable and climate conscious.� The Buster D-flex also chipped in with 31 points, led by Simeon Rice�s (8/76) 13 and Dat Nguyen (2/18) hitting the Weitz family where it counts for 10. For her part, Amber was quite upset by her team�s play. She did award the gameball to Marshall Faulk (5/30), who scored as many points in Week 10 as he did in the previous nine weeks, but Amber said �I'm not happy with anyone�s performance.� She couldn�t have been too displeased by Marcus Pollard (5/24) who scored the first Cookie TE TD and also equaled his season total with another 12. Although Amber �likes church because I get to color and draw pictures while my dad sleeps,� she had to wonder about why a higher power would treat an innocent, young girl in such a cruel way with a loss, including the especially stinky play of Chris Chambers (9/66), Curtis Martin (9/39), and Dexter Jackson (3/20). Their play incurred her father�s potty mouth and gave Amber this idea for a good color commentator, �My dad would be a great color guy because he uses lots of colorful language which I can�t repeat.� Sadly, Amber had to cut QB Quincy Carter (2/33), who despite scoring a TD and 9 points, broke the Weitz house fashion mandates, �NO belly shirts or Dad will freak out and NEVER EVER show your underwear!!� The loss will not go unnoticed as Amber will use her teacher in-service day to let everyone know how disappointed she in them: �What do they expect of me? I'm 8. I can only give them the tools its up to them to use them. I will be clarifying my expectations this week with the team with a power point presentation that can be downloaded from the share drive.� Amber also commented, �I don't like losing to the naughty word guy but he does his homework and my team hasn�t bought into my complicated playground offense.� A precipitate Joseph submitted his interview (and we�re very glad that he is back allowing the media in the locker room) on Monday, when it looked like he was going to have a two game lead going into Week 12. Therefore, Joseph said, �I was hoping the Beers would win so we could have a nice showdown like the pats and the cowboys (I�ll be there on the 50 yard line by the way!)�
San Francisco Cubists 96 P-Miss Envy 56 The Cubists and Envy used to be a marquis matchup in the Modano league with the Envy being the plucky underdog with their sights set on the top place. The Cubists, at that time, were world beaters. Now, the Envy suck and the Cubists are simply middle of the pack. Yet, the game had to be played and confidence was running high in the Envy camp as they had installed a Cubist-like all-ground attack. Even ESPN�s Hector and Victor had the Envy scoring well over the century mark, not including their once fearsome defense. Reality hit the Envy hard as their mostly second string runners were second rate. Anthony Thomas (5/50) led the mediocrity with his worst game, 4. DeShaun Foster (2/1) climbed out of negative numbers with a 3 and Michael Bennett (1/-1) became the third Envy runner to debut with a negative performance. Being an Envy RB is a tough job, much like commentating as Owner Perry Missner noted, �I think it is a tough job because there isn�t much that they can say that is terribly informative, so I would like to be entertained by someone who has heard it all and might say something surprising and funny � how about Jimmy Kimmel?� Missner commented, �I was expecting a lot more from Jon Kitna (2/17), especially when I saw how many points the Bengals put up. Ho hum.� Kitna did break double digits with 10, but was later cut. The Envy gameball was given to Keith Bulluck (9/78) who scored 9. Missner stated that his team on a whole violated his two fashion rules, �Don�t wear the same colored pants and shirt. Don�t wear black shoes with white socks.� If there�s one Owner Jason Moore knows about, it�s fashion (see, �1. Better to be underdressed than overdressed. 2. Pink is for girls.�). Speaking of going out of style, one could look at gameball earning Tommy Maddox (2/18) who came off the scrap heap to score 23 points. Only against the Envy. Like Jamo going to church, the rest of the team went into the endzone twice. Jamal Lewis (9/109) hit pay dirt and Dominick Davis (4/45) continued his surprising play with 12 points. Tiki Barber�s (9/69) play did not please Moore as Barber continued to suffer from Ahmanitis. For Barber, the pigskin was as slippery as speech is for Moore�s candidate for football commentator, �Elmar Fudd.� Although there are some humorous possibilities for Fudd, �Wicky Williams Wuns Wight, Bweaks a Tackew, and Scohs!� The Cubists D continued to be ranked #1 and combined for 22 points and K Shane Graham (1/12) chipped in another dozen. Still, Moore longed for the good old days of the league, when �we used to get swept by the Envy and win the league.� A sweep of the Cubists would comprise double the wins the Envy have now. Missner may have come up with a solution though, �Perhaps I should start attending temple and get some rub from the big dude upstairs.� On the team�s 6th straight loss, Missner commented, �Hector and Victor can [%#@^] my [%&@#] � giving me hope like that. It�s a terrible thing. Hats off to Jamo whose team whipped us pretty good twice this year. I was going to consider Shockey as a keeper if he kept scoring well � not anymore. Urlacher�s keeper status is in major jeopardy without some performance.� Urlacher might even be tradable.
Syracuse 44�s 104.5 Peaks Island Wookies 29 It has been a long season for both Owners Will Mitchell and John Stoer. Both had hoped for better things this year from the respective squads. Despite the down years, only one of the two teams seems to be headed in the right direction. That team is� the 44�s. Having rescued Donovan McNabb (7/59) and Ray Lewis (9/85.5), the league�s leading defensive player, for a pair of broken players, the 44�s may be able to make some noise and hurt some of the contenders. McNabb had his second straight all pro game with 19 points and now has more points in two games in his familiar 44 jersey than he did in five games with the Envy. Not that anyone is bitter though. McNabb was even given a gameball for his play � his first in over a year. Stoer commented simply, �He's back baby.� The inspired 44 play didn�t stop at the QB position. Late inclusion to the starting lineup, Rudi Johnson (2/35), had a huge game with a couple of TD�s and 25 points. Johnson scored one TD for each time Stoer has been to church, �Twice. Xmas eve and a wedding.� Just imagine if Stoer became a dread fundamentalist. Inspired by the younger generation, decrepit Eddie George (7/37) relived his good old days with a TD and 8. Since we�re talking about runners of yore, we should mentioned that �John Riggins would be a highly entertaining, insightful commentator.� Perhaps especially for the home Washington team. Riggens has been known to keep it simple, much like Stoer, who lists his fashion rules as �1) Don't wear anything fluffy, furry, or frilly. 2) Go with the smell test. Doesn't matter if it's folded in a drawer or crumpled on the floor, if it smells OK, it's fine to wear.� The 44 receivers also contributed a couple of TD�s for the team�s highest scoring effort of the year. Only Amani Toomer (9/62) was a bit off with a deuce. Sadly, a simple two point scoring day would have been an improvement for most of the sorry chaps the Wookies put on the field. Like with the 44�s, the Wookies start at the top. Drew Bledsoe (9/58) has simply been awful, taking 10 points away from his team in his last two performances. His point production is parallel to his leadership. With the 44 defenders not having to worry about the pass, they concentrated on Ricky Williams (9/81) who had just four points and can not be considered a team of one anymore. The Wookie D-flex, which had been improving, had a season low 9 and the brand new offensive flex only combined 12 points. This was the second time in three weeks that the Wookies had scored just 29 points and made Owner Will Mitchell flee to the confines of �the road.� Stoer could only shake his head and comment, �Donovan has sparked the offense, Ray has sparked the D, [argh!] but we took absolutely no joy in slaughtering the hapless Wookies. No joy at all. Trust me, not one little bit.�
Einar�s Lovable Losers 81 County Coroners 48 One of the physical principles that Isaac Newton discovered was that for every action, there was an equal and opposite reaction. While this may seem like a simple piece of logic, in the 17th century, it was revolutionary. While the Coroners had been riding high with their non-Raider lineup, one had to guess that it just couldn�t last � much like Owner Chad Nuss opening his locker room, which, with the loss, closed tighter than a vacuum sealed pickle jar. Upon seeing that Kerry Collins (3/45) looked like he was back on the sauce and Stephen Davis (8/82), the team�s backbone, was a late scratch. Neither player scored and were equaled by Charlie Garner (7/42), the lone Raider offensive starter. The team did receive a couple of TD�s from Anquan Boldin (8/41) and on the defensive side Philip Buchanon (8/30) who had been called out by Nuss recently. Boldin upped the Coroner WR high, but the team failed to score 50 points for the 5th time this season. Much of the fault of this low could have been attributed to the league worst OF performance of just two points. Phew. The Coroners continue to have the league�s worst flexes: 12 ppg from the offensive side and 13.19 ppg from the defensive flex. Seeing a struggling opponent was very pleasant for Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen. Olsen, whose name happens to be a bookstore where Perry Missner worked for 9 months in Washington DC, said that Missner �might be a good football commentator because he seems to have a way with words.� Yes, Missner can put a sentence together, but put him in front of an audience and he�s mealy (and sometimes foul) mouthed. We think he�d still be better than Troy Aikman. Olsen, who doesn�t see himself as devout as he only went to church on Ash Wednesday and Christmas, used all of his prayers to get Ahole �Put it on the� Green (9/149) to not fumble. Green did receive the gameball with 24 points, but he couldn�t hold onto the ball no matter what colored pads he wore and the Packers fumbled away another home game. QB Steve �Air� McNair (8/140) continued his MVP-like season with his 6th all pro game of 18 points. Matt Stover (4/38) continued to strengthen the Loser kicking game with 10 and Keith Brooking (7/38) turned things up a notch with 9 points. Isaac Bruce (5/29) and Booger Frankfurter (9/23) earned the Einar�s scorn by not scoring. Frankfurter has been a consistent disappointment to everyone and should really be taken out of the lineup for someone like Matt Schobel. The Coroners have now been blown out 5 times, but are still not in last place. The Einar was so pleased by his sweep of the Coroners that he couldn�t express his feelings for the win in mere words.
Week 11 previews - As Brian Baldinger would say if he were here, �In football, it simply doesn�t get better than this.� The 2003 Modano Mi Hermano season looks like it will hinge on a single game in Week 11. Yes, it may be a bit early to put such stress on a single, mid-season game, but rarely have two teams separated themselves from the pack like the Bull City Beers and league-leading Ballbusters have with their impressive winning streaks this year. Owner Rich Joseph has him team running like purring engine with 9 straight wins and 7 games in a row of 100+. Joseph thought he would have some working room as he overestimated the ability of two Packers to score 6 points or more when he said, �The leagues high scoring team gets pushed down to third place. They start a different streak....two losses in a row!!� Joseph knows that this kind of situation is no place for femininity, so Terri Glenn is out of the lineup, replaced by big man David Boston. Joseph has also returned the D-flex that once scored 51.5 points in London Fletcher, Simeon Rice, and Jason Taylor. Owner Randy Chambers has revenge on his mind for the second week in a row. Chambers, remembering the 77-103 Week 2 spanking he took from the Busters, said, �What more can you say? It's the game of the year. I know the Busters will be ready to break our balls. I imagine Paul McGuire, Britney Spears and Madden will all be there. Thank goodness the Redskins are not playing Minnesota this week.� Yes, Daunte and Randy will be in the lineup along with the usual guys you�ve come to expect as well as Eric Moulds, who will probably catch the ex-Envy trend and score more than 15. While the other four games pale in comparison to the top match, they will be played nonetheless. The only team within spitting distance of the top is the Einar�s Lovable Losers who take on the puzzling 44�s. The Losers, who beat the 44�s 78-74 in Week 2 to make the series tied at four, start a similar lineup as last week with Joe Horn replacing Isaac Bruce. Einar, looking over the opponent�s lineup, said, �Hopefully Harrison will be unable to play......:)� That�s a smile at the end. Owner John Stoer is puzzling everyone because he has not only taken Harrison out of the lineup but Donovan McNabb is also on the bench at press time. Have the 44�s ever had a lineup without both McNabb and Harrison? For whatever reason, Stoer is starting Matt Hasslebeck and Amani Toomer with Warrick Dunn and Dwight Freeney making their lineup returns and John Lynch making his lineup debut. Stoer concentrated on the defensive side of the ball in his pregame comments, �We need Ray to put the smackdown on AHole and Edge. If he does and we get some consistency out of the offense, we have a shot to upset the Hunters [Losers].� Licking their wounds coming off one of the most difficult losses are the Brentful Brents. If ever a game called for the return of eponymous Brent Farf, it would be to humiliate bottom dwelling Owner Perry Missner. Johnson, nevertheless, seemed confident when he said, �Like I said last time, if I beat Missner, everything else is gravy.� If he wants gravy, Johnson should go to Wong�s Wok as they put gravy on everything. Clinton Portis makes his Brent return from the bye and Laverneus Coles is back to see if left all of his points on the bench. Meanwhile, Missner just hopes to keep the game respectable. He said, �The Brents feature an enviable running attack. We�ll have to be super lucky to overcome the combo of Tomlinson, Portis and Moe Williams. We�re giving Leftwich a what the hell start.� Yes, the former Brent, Byron Leftwich, hopes to overcome his Ahmanitis and hit new receiver Kevin Johnson a time or two. Also new to the Envy lineup, who lead the series 4-3, are Kyle Brady (in for the broken Jeremy Shockey) and Marty Booker. Former bay rivals, the Cubists and Coroners, face off as the Owner Chad Nuss decided whether he wants to continue rooting for a team that has Rick Mirer at the helm. In Week 2, the Cubists walloped the Coroners by the tune of 105-44 and lead the series 8-2, prompting Owner Jason Moore to belittle the competition, �Coroners, Schmoroners.� Did he call Nuss a moron? Uh oh. Al Wilson makes his return to the Cubists lineup, while � as has been his wont of late � Nuss hasn�t changed his lineup yet. What? No Deltha O�Neal? Finally yet importantly, it�s rhyme time as the Cookies and Wookies face off. Both teams are solidly under .500, but Amber has been trying some new things at practice. She has decided to start feisty southerner Jake Delhomme at QB and the once faddish Mushim Muhammed is back. Amber said, �I like Chewy but is he really smart enough to beat an 8 yr old. After all, he's just a big walking dog. How can his team understand all that grunting and bellowing? Also I'm changing our stadium to Lizzie McGuire Field.� Yes, everyone should know Paul�s young daughter. The Cookies win in Week 2 95-78 without the aid of Amber and lead the series 5-2. Owner Will Mitchell has seen better seasons, but he is still trotting out different players. Deion Branch is back and Drew Bledsoe, despite gross incompetence in recent weeks, is getting another start. Mitchell�s heart knows no ill feelings for Drew.
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