Brentful Brents 114 Bull City Beers 100.5 There used to be an early Monday night game in which the defending Super Bowl champion would play a team that was right up there. These games were termed: Super Bowl XXIIA or something like it. One might term the battle between Brents and Beers as such a game. The Brents were coming off their best ever season, ending up in second behind the Beers. Both teams could be satisfied with their standing in 2002, but let�s make one thing clear: last year don�t mean nothing now. This message seemed to be ringing in both teams� ears as they began scoring TD after TD. Each team started with an above average performance on Thursday with the Brents� new WR Laverneus Coles notching 8 and good old Beer Jeremiah Trotter having 7. All eyes looked to Minnesota and Green Bay as the bell weathers on Sunday and the Viking/Beers took advantage. Daunte Culpepper was a man possessed as he flicked defenseless Packers away in scoring a QB week high 22 points with three sweet, sweet TD�s. One of his strikes went to Randy Moss who had scored on the previous play, only to have it called back for a questionable interference call. C�mon refs, don�t you buy into the spurious Lambeau mystique too. Torry Holt scored a nice 13 points on a TD grab and Mike Vanderjagt returned to the Beers with a pleasant 9 points. Meanwhile, Owner Steve Johnson, who much prefer a haircut/head rub than a dental cleaning/gum rub, could not pleased by his favorite Pack. QB Brent Farf, the team�s �leader,� once again had trouble distinguishing which team to throw the ball to as he threw four interceptions and had the Green Bay faithful calling for Doug Pederast. Ahole Green also had trouble holding onto the ball (too much sweat), but managed to score 16 points somehow. Fortunately for the Brents, they didn�t have to rely on Packers entirely. Clinton Portis received a gameball for his 23 points on two TD�s. Portis inspired Johnson�s motto: �Youth Movement� which may or may not include Akili Smith. Former Beer MVP also torched his old team for 18 points causing Owner Randy Chambers to sob. Alge Crumpler also came up huge with 12 points on a TD to lead all tight ends. There was some grumbling from the Brent bench because Trent Green scored 10 points only to see them wasted in favor of the inbred moron (ah, the first mention of his true name � feels good). Green, or someone, clearly deserves some playing time. Johnson was said to be unhappy with his favorite QB and was making motions to the pine for Farf. We�ll have to see how long holds out. Until then, Johnson commented on the big win with: �Depth is a good thing.�
Veaselicious Cookies 76 The Ballbusters 60 It has been a few years since a new team debuted in the Modano Mi Hermano league. While Owner Rich Joseph�s Ballbusters still are slightly tainted by the Ouaou stench due to their keepers, it is still a new team. One might think their opening against the Cookies, the league�s reigning worst team, might be auspicious. Like every other year, Owner Dan Weitz starts with the same record as everyone else and his hopes are high. Weitz was a bit worried as his first round pick Curtis Martin only scored three points in his Thursday kickoff opening and was lifted during a goal line stand. Weitz�s worries became deeper as QB Kurt Warner couldn�t hold onto the ball in a performance than made Owner Dan exclaim: �He�s playing like a Brent � a turnover machine.� Warner who did score 6 points (14 more than keeper QB Tom Brady) was very insulted, while Farf continued to be confused on which team to throw the ball to. Even 6th round draft pick K David Akers scored a bagel. When two time MVP Marshall Faulk was virtually ignored by the Rams and only scored 2 points, that would seem to ring the death knell for the Cookies, but as we stated earlier, this is a new year and has new hopes, even for the Cookies. WR Chris Chambers started the season off with a bang and grabbed two TD�s, 19 points and a Cookie gameball. He was solidly backed up by Travis Henry who supplied ground support to the tune of 16 points. Derrick Mason and Chad Brown also scored in double figures for the Cookies and both rallied to the team�s slightly used motto: �Kill the Einar.� The Ballbusters could have had some similar worries if they had not been so preoccupied by what the media was writing about the team. Taking a cue from the Week One previews, Joseph benched Jeff Garcia (24 points � from the bench) and inserted Peyton Manning who managed just one point. Upon seeing this difference in performance, Joseph made his team motto, �Never listen to Perry.� In other words, he was making the common rookie mistake of confusing the league�s media service with P-Miss Envy Owner and media darling Perry Missner. The one player who has never been benched for any reason during his service to the Devils/Brothers/Ballbusters is Priest Holmes, who started 2003 just where he left off in 2002 � 23 points and two TD�s. It looks like Holmes, who was once cut by Weitz, will be shouldering the load again as he was the only Buster to score a TD and tallied nearly 40% of the team�s points. The post-game handshake/dude hug almost came to blows as Weitz and Joseph began arguing about which was worse � going to the dentist or getting a haircut. After an argument that lasted long past when all the fans had gone home, the two found similarities in the aesthetic pleasures of both activites. Joseph could see how Weitz would prefer to visit his hair stylist Gina, �who is so hot that I get my haircut three times a week,� while Weitz could see how Joseph �wanted to go to the dentist because his hygienist [has an enormous amount of talent]. I could sit there all day long.� These issues solved, the owners met the waiting media. The puffed chest Weitz said, �1-0, Babee! The Cookies are going all the way to the top. �Who is the Master?� �I am.�� While a sullen Joseph said, �We�ll be back.�
San Francisco Cubists 82 P-Miss Envy 45 The majority of the Modano Mi Hermano seasons have ended with a ticker tape parade down the streets of San Francisco for the conquering Cubists. When this doesn�t happen, Owner Jason Moore ends up spending his offseason in an unpleasant mood. He doesn�t want to comment on the past season, he doesn�t watch Entertainment Tonight, and he doesn�t even like going to the dentist. Upon first reading the schedule, he couldn�t have been happy because standing before him in was the team that had beaten the Cubists more often than any other, Owner Perry Missner�s P-Miss Envy. Moore thought he might have the key when Missner dispatched longtime QB Steve McNair. The Cubists ended the Missner streak last year and started firing on medium heat in Week 1. The Cubists started the familiar sounding �Return to Glory� season by putting in a consistent, nothing outstanding performance. Indicative was the gameball being given to Jason Elam for his 13 point contribution. QB Aaron Brooks, RB Jamal Lewis, and WR Koren Robinson each found the endzone but none of them scored in double digits. Terrell Owens was surprisingly kept out of the endzone in the longest game of the year, but scored 8, which was equaled by fellow keeper Tiki Barber. Corey Dillon disappointed Moore by only scoring 2 points. Two points, however, actually outscored three of the Envy�s starters. In fact, the only Envy player to score more than 7 points was WR Chad Johnson, who grabbed the only Envy TD and was summarily given the gameball. Antowain Smith, who had in the past run well against the Bills, was singled out for disappointment. Perhaps even more disappointing was 17th round steal, Joe Nedney, who kicked a 50+ yard field goal, missed a PAT, ruptured his MCL on an ensuing kickoff, and was fed to the woodchipper. Bye, bye Super Joe. Even the vaunted Envy D was outplayed by the Cubist D-flex (23-17). Moore noticed: �I think our defense was fired up to show they could match up with the Urlachers and Lewises of the world. Clearly both teams were rusty: no all-pro performances and only one double-digit score per team?� There was only one player who could be looked at to reasonably narrow the 40 point gap going into Monday night: QB Donovan McNabb. McNabb scored four insuring that the Cubists had their first blowout win over the Envy. A red-eyed Missner (who would rather go to the dentist than get his hair cut because he hates �chit chatting [with the barber]- no chit chatting at the dentist) commented, �We've had a tough Week One before and that season turned out pretty well (2000 - ended with 9 out of 10 wins), but we are very concerned about the run game. All of our guys are backups - not good. Kudos to the Cubists who now have a streak against us - they 7'ed and 8'ed us to the loss.�
Einar�s Lovable Losers 79 County Coroners 69 What can be said about the Einar�s Lovable Losers� 2002 season that hasn�t been said before? With all of the single-minded media coverage of the team in and around Green Bay, there is very little, but it was either Sun Tzu or Tony Danza who said that we learn from our mistakes. And it so it was with Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen. He knew he was sowing the seeds for 2003 when he brought in Steve �the Finer� McNair � a firebrand of a leader and a man who has had so many surgeries that he is now 75% controlled with nanoparticles. McNair processed through his databases and came up with a game plan to upend the Raidericious County Coroners. McNair first kept in mind the team�s motto: �Beat the Weasel at all costs� then led the Coroners into the heart of the storm as he faced the Raiders himself. The wily QB came out of the tussle with 15 points, but also proved that the Losers could win before Week 10. McNair should feel fairly confident in his starting assignment as backup QB Jake Plummer got the Farfs and was limited to -6 points. The team was helped along by Takeo Spikes who had 13 points and was given the gameball. Joe Horn also found pay dirt once and got 11 points. LaDainian Tomlinson was almost an after thought as the 2002 team MVP scored just three points after the Chargers fell into an early and deep deficit. Meanwhile, Owner Chad Callahan Nuss looked like he made a tactical error in waiting until Sunday night to play most of his players. Eager to set the tone, the Coroners had to rely on Stephen Davis and Dick Driver to score some early points. Davis did his part with 7, but the uncoordinated Driver forgot that his feet are supposed to go on the ground and head in the air. Oh, those stupid Packers. When the sun went down, only reigning MVP Rich Gannon and RB Charlie Garner had enough energy to put their best foot forward. The annoying Gannon scored 20 points on two TD�s and one of his throws went to Garner who scored 14. Those 34 points were nearly half of what the Coroners would score. Callahan, who prefers the dentist than the hair salon, was particularly displeased with Jerry Porter (the low starting WR score for the week at zero) who played sparingly and is now claiming a hernia. Porter was equaled by TD specialist Zach Crockett and Doug Jolley only scored 2. In a surprise to no one, Callahan-Nuss claimed that the 2003 team motto would be �Go Raiders!� Where does he come up with these things? Nuss further commented, �Made some lineup mistakes [Joe Jurevicius scored 14 points and oldy but goody Tim Brown scored 10] a little rusty coming out of the gates, but I�ll get in the groove this week against Jamo.�
Peaks Island Wookies 56 Syracuse 44�s 51 We all remember the beginning of 2002: The Wookies came out of the gates like gangbusters and looked like the team to beat before enduring an embarrassing second half fade. Surely, Owner Will Mitchell has not forgotten. Gone are the bragging, the 18 karat gold chains pronouncing himself on equal grounds as Jesus, and self references in the third person. This is a humbler, wiser Mitchell who is not going to take anything for granted. Mitchell no longer needs to spend the hundreds of dollars on the day spa to get his hair done and skin defoliated. Now it�s just �seven bucks, Bob the barber, and raunchy jokes.� That sounds like someone who has found his roots. Even the team�s motto displays a sense of humility: �We don�t suck!� One of those roots is QB Drew Bledsoe, who may be in Buffalo, but bleeds Wookie blood. Bledsoe led his team into the jaws of the Belicheck defense and came out with a win and 7 points by his name. Do we need to tell you who received the game ball? It was Drew -- �why not?� The only other Wookie TD was submitted by half of the double back attack, Ricky Williams, who came home with 11 points. The rest of the team received the evil eye from Mitchell, but let us go over some of the low lights. Troy Brown, 1 point. Adam Vinateri, zero points, Daniel �Grambo� Graham, priceless (and zero points). The Wookies might have been a bit less to blame when you consider their opponent, the Syracuse 44�s, nearly didn�t submit a lineup. It seems that Owner John Stoer is searching the country side for a place to possibly relocate the 44�s. While Syracuse has been offering an honorary mayorship, keys to the city, and a standing offer to be the guy who retrieves the tee after the Orangemen have kicked off, Stoer believes he might be able to do better. As such, his focus on the 44�s has been somewhat less than 100%. The 44�s looked like a team that hadn�t practiced much as they ran the same four plays again and again. Happily, two of those plays netted TD�s for flex members Warrick Dunn and Amos Zereous as each had 9 points. Sadly, the starting backfield put in some dreary numbers. Kelly Holcomb tossed a gutterball, Eddie George came with in three, and Harrison and Shockey plopped down two points apiece. Folks, that�s four points from three keepers (Michael Vick still convalescing on the bench). To make matters worse, both backup QB�s had all pro days � good Fiedler 19 and bad Hasselback 16. Stoer has promised to end his flighty ways soon and get back to business, but will it be in time to salvage the season? Mitchell did not know, but he did say, �A pathetic win, yes, but a win's a win.� Amen.
Week 2 previews - The week features a number of grudge match type games, but the only matchup that features two undefeated teams has some similar sounds: Cookies and Wookies. Each team left Week One with rather unimpressive wins, although any Cookie win will do. The teams split their series in 2002 and the Cookies hold a 4-2 series edge. Owner Dan Weitz inserts Tom Brady into the lineup to face Pats lover Owner Will Mitchell. The irony! That looks like the only lineup change so far. Weitz spewed a number of clich�s including, �Bring on the next bitch for me to slap, bling-bling.� While continued his humbled ways by saying, �I picked this guy to be big, but the Wookies will pick it up to match the intensity - I predict a 2-0 start.� Now, to the anger: the Cubists and Coroners have always had a heated rivalry in that they represent two sides of the same bay. In the early years, the Coroners gave up a lot in lousy trades, but recently, things have gotten nasty. Last year the teams split their series, but have won 7 of the 9 matchups. Nuss commented, �The team is getting more and more pumped everyday, watching film of the Cubists, and continually reminded of our longstanding losing record against this cross town rival. We are starting a Oakland-centric lineup this week, to prove that the County is ready for biz-nuss.� Yes, out are Driver (neck sprain) and Stephen Davis (vs. Bucs) and in are Tim Brown and one week wonder Anquan Boldin. Vonnie Holliday? Not a good move. Same same for the Cubists. The other grudge match looks like mismatch on paper. The top rated Brents have high hopes against the bottom rated Envy. Owner Steve Johnson was so sure of the win that he is already contemplating greater things: �If I can sweep the Missner series, the rest of the season is just gravy.� Perhaps we are getting a bit ahead of ourselves, but don�t you have to win one game to even start thinking about a sweep? Nevertheless, it is clear that Johnson is serious about winning as he has sent hillybilly inbred moron QB Brent Farf back to ranch in favor of Marc Bulger. This move is sure to have greater ramifications on the team as some of the players have become accustomed to playing with a man who plays in his own waste material. Johnson is also playing Warrick Holdman to curry favor with media outlets. We don�t think brownnosing will help. For their part, the Envy have made only a few adjustments with Super Joe all woodchipped, Aaron Elling is the new kicker and Todd Pinkston gets his shot at glory. Missner declared, �We are going to be heavy underdogs against the top rated team in the league and there is no place we'd rather be. No one, especially the pundits, believe that we can do it - but we will.� Last year the Envy took the only meeting of the two teams and the Envy hold a 4-2 series advantage. Einar�s Lovable Losers hope to take their second straight win as they face the nearly rudderless Syracuse 44�s. Isaac Bruce makes his debut for Joe Horn for the Losers who were swept by the 44�s in 2002 and are down 2-4 in the series. No changes for the 44�s as of yet, but a lot can happen in two days. Finally, someone is going to come out of Week 2 with their first win � be it the defending champions or the rookie with all of the fantasy baseball and basketball t-shirts. Neither team has made any lineup changes, preferring to wait until just before the deadline. Owner Rich Joseph commented in his best Mr. T impression, �I pity the fool.� While Owner Randy Chambers did not have a direct quote, we believe his prediction to be: �Pain!�
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