The Place: The most well-manicured backyard in all of Shrewsbury, Mass. Yes, we are being graciously hosted by the Rich Joseph family. We wanted a Boston location and Fenway wouldn�t have us. Stupid Lucchino. All is quiet as the paparazzi await the arrival at the red carpet (or dyed red grass as the case may be). Your hosts for the pre-ceremony festivities are Leeza Gibbons and Mickey Rivers (Joan and Melissa Rivers refused all enquiries, so we did the best we could).
Leeza Gibbons: Welcome everyone to the pre-ceremony festivities sponsored by the F! Channel. I am Leeza Gibbons.
Mickey Rivers: And I am Mickey Rivers. I have no idea why I am here.
LG: Usually, either Joan or Melissa Rivers is here to critique the arriving people�s choice of clothes.
MR: You mean, you want me to tell me what you think about what people is wearing?
LG: That�s right, Mickey, what do you think of Versacci gown?
MR: It�s all-�ight, but I think you�d look better without it.
LG: [blushing furiously] Oh, Mickey, I don�t know how to respond.
[Fortunately, she doesn�t have to as the first stretch limo appears and co-champions Owners Randy Chambers and Rich Joseph climb out. Accompanying Chambers is new and old Redskins Coach Joe Gibbs. Joseph is arm and arm with Bill Belichek.]
[Upon seeing Chambers, Rivers shrieks and starts to run]
Randy Chambers: What is it, Mick? Are you frightened by my 1994 Richie Pettibon costume?
[Chambers takes off the hideous mask]
MR: [returning] Damn, that mask is so ugly you should be wearing an oxygen mask over it.
RC: I just wanted to emphasize to Joe what happened to the �Skins after he left. I will wear this costume all season long so that he doesn�t forget the shame of the last decade.
Joe Gibbs: Duly noted, I will restore pride to the area. I am confident I will have complete control.
RC: Dan Snyder will leave Joe alone. Dan Snyder will leave Joe alone. Dan Snyder will leave Joe alone. Dan Snyder will leave Joe alone...
JG: Yes, I am sure everything will be fine. We just have to bring back Stephen Davis and maybe Mark Mosely.
RC: Oh god!
LG: As long as you are here, Mr. Chambers, would you like to tell us your keepers?
RC: Sure, Daunte Culpepper, Shaun Alexander and Randy Moss - the backbone of back-to-halfback championships. It was tough to let touchdown Torry Holt go, but we�ve got a winning formula with Culpepper-to-Moss and the best TD man the last 3 years this side of the Priest.
MR: [calming down] Them are some tasty choices. Holt won�t be the same without Terry Shea around, so I give you a round of applause.
[Chambers and Gibbs walk to the backyard]
MR: Whachoo got on, Joseph?
Rich Joseph: I chose to wear my throwback Tony Eason jersey because my Steve Grogan and Craig James jerseys are at the dry cleaner. That �85 season was one of my favorites, it�s just that I can�t remember what happened in the Super Bowl.
Bill Belichek: Good thing, the Pats lost, but even I have forgotten the score and who the team was that beat them.
RJ: Yes, I am left with the lingering memory that Tony Eason was the MVP.
MR: I approve of the home team support, now, how about trading LeBron?
RJ: Never, he�s a keeper, just like my three � Priest Holmes, Peyton Manning, and Tony Gonzalez. It was hard to let Jeff Garcia and Fred Taylor go, but my hands were tied.
MR: Not that I know anything about fantasy football, but I agree with those three.
[As Joseph goes into his backyard, a crappy, dented, ugly yellow and green VW bug pulls up and Owners Steve Johnson and Steve �the Einar� Olsen climb out. Johnson is accompanied by a mysterious blob, while Olsen has three or four homely girls in Packer cheerleader suits with him.]
MR: What the hell is disgusting smell � and that supernatural blob?
Steve Johnson: Let me introduce you to the ghost of Big Irv Farf. For all of his crimes against humanity, he has not yet been allowed in heaven � and for some reason hell won�t take him either. In any case, he�s always welcome with me.
BIF: I ain�t got no places to be. Plus, I�d a double-bagged her.
[There is a gush of wind and BIF is blown to Worcester, never to be heard from again]
[MR notices what SJ is wearing and shields his eyes.]
MR: Goo�Lord above! That thing is hurting my eyes.
SJ: You don�t like my Prada blaze orange snowmobile suit? I think it�s faboo.
MR: That thing is so ugly it makes my pants wrinkle.
SJ: Sorry, Mickey, but I am going Comanche underneath, so you�ll just have to bear with me. At least I won�t get shot in the woods. Speaking of shot in the dark, here are my keepers: LaDainian Tomlinson, Clinton Portis, and Hines Ward. It was tough to let go my QB�s � Bulger and Farf. Through the year any of them could have been a keeper, but as the season wound down, that decision became easier and easier. I may have to rename my team. Or not.
[SJ goes to the backyard]
MR: You know, Einar, I think those cheesehead hats are really stupid.
Steve �the Einar� Olsen: Well, I can�t stop wearing it now � I had it surgically attached to me head. It�s beginning to smell like real cheese!
MR: Ugh, I was about ready to blame Leeza.
LG: Hey, that�s not fa-
MR: And who is this hag posse?
SO: These are the finest cheerleader types that Green Bay can produce. Not too bad, eh?
MR: What was the name of that dog in Rin Tin Tin?
SO: Well, none of them are keepers, but Steve McNair, Ahole �Put in on the� Green, and Edgerrin James are.
MR: That�s going from the ridiculous to the sublime. McNair is my brother and James might be a load next year, but Ahole � c�mon man, he�s about to lose his feature back status to the crapper.
SO: Eek � you are right. I should have asked you first.
MR: Damn skippy!
[A brown car with a loud speaker attached pulls up. The man on the loudspeaker is going on and on about how the Einar is the devil and how he corrupts everything he touches. Einar just shakes his head and walks into the backyard, as Owner Dan Weitz pops out of the car. He is accompanied by � who else? � Jennifer Aniston who has nothing to do now that Friends is over. Weitz is wearing a loose-fitting Jedi robe.]
MR: Where are we, Tantooine?
DW: Nah, I just wanted my companion to have easy access to the good stuff, if she desires.
[Aniston tries to smile, but is overwhelmed by nausea � she runs off in the direction of Worcester, never to be heard from again. Dan�s dog, Lahi, jumps out of the car.]
DW: Now, there is someone who loves me unconditionally. Don�t you, Lahi � yes, you do. Yes, you do.
LG: Aw, isn�t that cute � a man and his dog.
MR: [revolted, turning green] And it looks like Johnson wasn�t the only Oshkosh native going Comanche. What�s with them?
DW: Easy access, my man. Without further ado, here are my keepers: Marshall Faulk, Travis Henry, and Tom Brady. Same as last year. A few more wins and I�ll finally beat the Einar. Amber she is a sweetheart but she doesn�t have mouth or hatred of the Einar that we need.
MR: You�re cutting your own daughter? That�s icy cold.
DW: We have to beat the Einar. Lahi knows all about it, so perhaps he will be my new defensive coordinator. At least when I get mad at him, I can call him a son of a bitch and not be far off.
[DW leaves for the back yard and here comes a Mercedes with Maryland plates � yes, it�s two of the Sidwell friends, Owners Jason Moore and John Stoer, both are wearing jeans and t-shirt, but Stoer�s are clean.]
MR: Jamo, my main man, ain�t you got time to cleans the threads?
JM: Well, as a business school student, I have many irons in the fire and I basically don�t have time for anything beyond studying for midterms and studying for finals.
MR: Quite understandable, although I got my degree without any problems.
JM: Mickey Rivers, you got a degree?
MR: Sure, I got my BS.
JM: Oh, well, let me name my keepers � Jamal Lewis, Terrell Owens, and Dominick Davis. I am a bit worried about Davis, but Dom Capers should continue feeding him the ball, and I should be fine.
MR: Yeah, man, that�s a stretch, but I know you know what you are doing, so �Vaya con Dios!�
JS: Hi, Mickey, I don't have a wife to bring with me, and all the hot famous chicks don't want to come with an under .500 loser, so I guess I'll bring my sister this year. Here she is.
MR: Nice to meet you.
Sto�s sister: Nice to meet you too.
JS: Now, I guess you want to hear about my keepers. They are Kevin Garnett, Jason Kidd, and Tracy McGrady.
MR: That�s a sweet trio, but this football, man!
JS: Oh, ok � Donovan McNabb, Marvin Harrison and Ray Lewis. I had no trouble cutting any of those other dopes.
MR: Yes, but you will start 2004 with a fine set of keepers � McNabb is home and can no longer be called D-cupp.
JS: Why is that exactly, he didn�t make the Super Bowl.
MR: Yes, but 4th and 26?!?! That one toss made him a legend in my book.
JS: Oh yea, 4th and 26 against the Packers in a crucial situation after the Packers had balked at going for it on 4th and 1. Well, no one ever called Mike Sherman das ubercoachen.
MR: Yeah, and my Ray-Ray � he is da bomb.
JS: Thanks, Mickey, you know, I have always called Juan Pierre a new age Mickey Rivers.
MR: Yes, he�s about 90% Mickey Rivers with about 25% Rickey Henderson and 25% Slappy White.
[JS shrugs his shoulders and walks to the back yard]
[Another stretch limo pulls up with smoke that smells like burnt toast flowing out of the windows. Jimi Hendrix is heard, wailing away on Purple Haze. Owner Will Mitchell staggers out of the car, wearing side lacing, black leather pants. He is accompanied by Mrs. Rony Seikely, also known as Elsa Benitez, who is also wear side lacing, black leather pants.]
MR: Pah-tay train is here.
WM: Yeah, dude, I am finally free of the spectre of Drew Bledsoe and partying like its 1999, man.
MR: But, dude, I thought you and Drew went way back. I thought you twose was solid.
WM: Sure, man, but that�s all over. I got something new in the �hood. Mike Vick! And I supplement him with Deuce McAlister and Daniel Graham.
MR: You high or something?!?
[WM giggles]
MR: Daniel Graham is big and he may remind of Ben Coates, but his hands stink. He couldn�t catch a common cold.
WM: Aw man, why you harshing on my buzz.
[Mitchell staggers off in the direction of Worcester then turns around and gets to the backyard. Along comes Owner Perry Missner, riding his one speed bike, and dressed in a Bruce Lee � yellow with black striped � motorcycle suit. PM leaps onto the seat of the bike, then does a double flip, sticks the landing, and is ready to chat with Mickey Rivers.]
Perry Missner: Mickey, you were always one of my favorites. Tell me, what was it like playing with Reggie Jackson?
MR: Reginald Martinez Jackson. I always told him: No wonder you're all mixed up. You got a white man's first name, a Spanish man's second name and a black man's third name.
PM: [laughing riotously] That�s a good one � oh, let me catch my breath. Now, my keepers are Ricky Williams, Chad Johnson, and Jeremy Shockey. I struggled with the third keeper decision for days. At first, I was going to keep Bennett as he probably has the most potential, then I was leaning toward Barlow for his late season surge, but neither of those guys is definitely going to start in 2004, so I decided to close my TE spot � once and for all. Hopefully, Shockey will be able to stay healthy next year
MR: Whoa, first, Graham � now Shockey. You guys on the bottom are completely nuts, but I ain�t gonna mess with Missner. It looks as if he has the glow.
PM: Just call me Bruce LeRoy.
[Missner flips and kicks his way into the backyard.]
[Finally, a black escalade with silver streaks coming flashing around the corner. Breaks screech and out pops Owner Chad Nuss, wearing a silver suit, black tie, and black face paint.]
MR: [incredulously] What are you, a dirty nickel?
CN: No, man � poise and pride � I am the quintessential Raiders fan. The Raiders are the greatest franchise ever and I will stick to them until the end. Norv Turner is an offensive genius, as he proved in Washington and good times are coming. Pride and poise, poise and pride. Just win, baby!
MR: You are insane in the membrane.
CN: Let me tell you something, brother. If it hadn�t of been for the tuck rule and Gruden leaving us (by the way, my date went to Tampa), we would be three time champions by now. The damn Patriots are no damn good � poise and pride!
[The green grass on the sides of the red grass is now littered with onlookers and moochers. A rumble is heard from somewhere and the crowd parts for a giant Asian man wearing a Patriots sweatsuit. He smashes down the restraining rope and heads right for Nuss.]
MR: [shouting and fleeing] My god, it�s Eugene Chung.
[Nuss is too confused to move and is stunned when Chung pulls out a gun. Chung fires three times, hitting Nuss in the gut once and nailing Troy Aikman in the head twice. Nuss and Aikman both fall instantly, but not before�]
Troy Aikman: [gasping] There goes my momentum.
[Aikman expires and the EMT�s � we always have EMT�s at the Year End Awards Ceremony as violence has been known to break out � ignore him and rush to the much more important Nuss. Nuss is loaded into an ambulance and taken to the Shrewsbury ER. Modano security try to subdue Chung, but he is simply too big. Finally, Owner Perry Missner rushes up and gives Chung a karate kick to the nads. Chung falls instantly and the security personnel take him away.]
[All is chaos for a few minutes, but Commissioner Todd Tugwell restores peace. After a few minutes all is settled and we are given back to our hosts.]
MR: [coolly] My, oh my � that was something � it was like the wind was blowing 100�. Nuss didn�t reveal his keepers, so I�ll choose them for him � how about Stephen Davis, Anquan Boldin, and Philip Buchanon?
LG: Sounds good, Mickey, but why would someone do this to poor Chad Nuss? Did it have something to do with his gambling debts? Or was it that he had the gall to badmouth the Patriots? I hope we can get to the bottom of this before we leave tonight. In any case, now that almost everyone is in Rich�s backyard, why don�t we throw it to our emcee for the night. I think he follows a logical progression � from the ESPN boys to Dennis Miller and Dan Diefdorf to John Madden and Bob Costas � let me introduce, the one, the only � Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Dank you very mach! Gahddamn it�s good to be here and not in Sacredamento. Let me tell you guys something � as much as I vanted to be da Goobinator � I am mach more comvertible in da sport arena. Ya, vell, you guys know I am not big of vords, but big on action. So � let me tell you another ting � if you tink I am da real Dylon � you are wrong! � Dat could have been my campaign slogan, but instead ve vent wit �I�ll be boch!� and �Hasta la vista � Cruth Busthamante!� Ya, now I am de gubinator and I also host dis show. No more movies for now as I vork on dis politics ting. Ya! But please � see Collateral Damage � it�s a great movie in vich I used some bits of comedy to relieve da high tension. Now, enough of my jabbering, it�s time to present some avards � ya! To present da Sneaky Pete Avard for Most Surprising Player � here are da two smallest of da Vietz children � Cassie and Danielle Vietz!
[The two small children make their way to the podium and amazingly both have mastered the English language � most likely due to their father�s constant viewing of Friends reruns and Berry Gordy�s The Last Dragon]
Cassie Weitz: Dani, have you seen Amber lately?
Danielle Weitz: No, I guess she is playing with her new school friends.
CW: Yeah, but, she should really be helping Dad with his football team, don�t you think?
DW: I don�t know, Cassie, she tried to help him become a kinder, gentler Daddy this past year, but he hates the Einar so much.
CW: I know. The Einar does smell funny.
DW: True enough. Well, as much as I�d like to talk about Barney and Pokemon, we�re hear to present the Sneaky Pete Award for Most Surprising Player. This award has been a springboard from great players like Randy Moss, Kurt Warner, and Priest Holmes.
CW: Didn�t Daddy cut Priest Holmes
[A bellow is heard from the audience, �Not again.� Then crying is heard and someone, covering their eyes, runs into the house and sobs in the bathroom.]
DW: This year, there was a tie for third place between Steve Smith (10/88) and Santana Moss (13/114). Moss was drafted by the Envy in the supplemental rounds and made a great pickup for the Beers, while Smith was picked up by the Busters and had some monster games. They both received two second place votes.
CW: In second place was Marc Bulger (10/124). He wasn�t even a starter at the beginning of the season, but Steve Johnson had the foresight to pick him in the last round of the draft. Nice job, Steve. Bulger received first place votes from the Envy and Cookies. Good job, Daddy!
DW: And the winner of the Sneaky Pete Award for Most Surprising Player is Anquan Boldin (15/101). While Boldin has his best game while on the waiver wire in Week 1 against the Lions, Chad Nuss picked him up and was rewarded for leaving him out on the field for the last 15 weeks.
JS: Boldin wasn't even a stud in collge at FSU, but he turned in a great season.
Anquan Boldin: While I wasn�t a great received at Florida St., that doesn�t mean I wasn�t a stud. Oh yeah! Thanks go to God for giving me the speed and strength to win this award. And for Chad Nuss for believing in me for 15 straight weeks.
AS: Let�s get to da Choppa! Vat? Speaking of Chad Nuss, let�s get an update on his condition from our hospidal correspondent � Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson: Hello, Ah-nold. I just happened to be staying at this hospital � eee-hee � to get some minor work done. Some day I truly will look like Shirley Temple. Doctors are performing surgery � eee-hee � on Nuss right now. We know that Nuss is in critical condition, but the Dalai Lama says his chances are � eee-hee � good. Jam�on!
AS: Dank you, Mikall � you are truly one da fina constituents in da Calivornia. Vile I have never had a box office disappointment � no, not even Junior � oh, my uderus! Dese next doo jokahs know someding a bit about disappointment � Steve Spurrier and da Norv Turner.
Norv Turner: Well, if ain�t me and the ole ball coach.
Steve Spurrier: Yes, I didn�t have much else to do, so I decided to come up to Shrewsbury and show how disappointed I was. I am $25 million disappointed. Suckers!
NT: But wouldn�t you like to have another crack at coaching in the big boys league?
SS: Sure, but I wouldn�t want that crypt keeper, Al Davis, looking over my shoulder. He�d be like Napoleon Snyder over there in Washington.
NT: Maybe, but I am going resurrect the Raiders � you�ll see.
SS: I am not sure why we are introducing the Mark Pussier Award for Most Disappointing Player, but here goes.
NT: We had a tie for second place between two of my favorite QB�s: Kurt Warner and Brent Farf.
SS: Warner received top votes from the Beers and Busters, while Farf � surprise, surprise � received top votes from the Cookies and Envy.
DW: I might misinterpret this award as players who are pussy�s instead of players who don�t live up to expectations but I just call them like I see them. It�s just the laws of nature Peckers like Pussys.
PM: Farf went from a keeper to a third string afterthought � pretty much where he belongs. It will be interesting to see who picks up him next year and loses all hope of a championship.
NT: And now for the Mark Pussier Award for Most Disappointing Player: it goes to � oh no � my new starting QB Rich Gannon, last year�s MVP award winner. How far the mighty have fallen. Gannon received first place votes from the 44�s, Cubists and Losers as well as third place vote from the Brents.
Rich Gannon: Oh [&$%#] � you bunch of retards. I was hurt and I didn�t have my offensive line. Plus, I had to scream and yell on national TV just to have anyone here. This is going to go onto my permanent record � MY PERMANENT RECORD!
[Gannon, covering his eyes, runs into the house and sobs in the bathroom.]
AS: Nobody likes a dispickable losah! Don�t be a pantyvaste! Get back out dere and kick some butt. Let�s move on. Once, I was a young fella appearing in such vonderful movie as Pumping I-on and Da Villain. Dose vere da good days! My veins vere pumping with all sorts of chemicals and I was very happy. Now, I�ve had so mach plasdic surgery that when I vink, my toupe comes off. Well, here�s to da young guys, introducing Brian Perry and Alexis Arquette a.ka. Soup and Lars from Mircale Beach!
Soup: My maaaan stinks!
[The crowd goes apoplectic with glee � it takes 10 minutes for the laughing to subside, even then some people need to run into the house and laugh so hard they cry � in the bathroom.]
Lars: Damn, you got that line cold. Sort of like my man � Vlade!
Soup: If only Afterbirth was here � we�d get some honeys and have us a mansion party.
Lars: As Mr. Schwarzenhooser said, we�re here to present the Eric Weinrich Rookie of the Year Award. One supremely bodacious rookie and one dancing idiot tied for third place � that is Charles Tillman (10/83) of the Coroners who received a first place vote from the Envy and a third place vote from the Beers and Nick Barnett who received a first place vote from that homer the Einar and a third place vote from the 44�s.
Soup: In second place, which isn�t a place I�d mind being, was Dominick Davis (9/100) who came out of nowhere to join the Cubists regular rotation. Davis received first place votes from the Busters and Beers, with 4 second place votes.
RC: Since Boldin�s week 1 was done while on waivers, Davis deserves the award for getting one less point than Boldin in many fewer games.
Lars: That�s a good point, but your 2004 Eric Weinrich Rookie of the Year Award goes to Anquan Boldin, who repeats the feat of Randy Moss in 1998 and Michael Anderson in 2000 of winning both the Weinrich and Sneaky Pete trophies.
AQ: Thanks go to God for giving me the speed and strength to win this award. I would also like to thank Charlie Ward and Sam Cassell because they are the only Florida St. guys I can think of right now.
AS: Ya, dat�s more like it. Dem Soup and Lars is good people and dat Miracle Beach was a great movie. I tried to get Ami Dolenz into one of my features � Da Termigropah! Ya � dat�s funny. Anyhoo, we are speeding right along as da afdanoon gets longah and longah. Some people like to play da defense and dat�s what dis here next avard is about. To present it, here are Joe Villie Nameth and Linda Cohen.
Joe Willie Nameth: [clearly sauced again] Where�s Suzy?
Linda Cohen: For the love of elevation � Nameth is high as a kite again.
JWN: I wanna kiss you.
LC: No way, buster, my blood alcohol level is too high just from standing within a five foot radius of you.
[JWN wanders off to find someone to kiss.]
LC: It looks like its up to me, just like the time Jon Anderson couldn�t make it Sports Center because he had the crabs. I am here to present the Don Sweeney Defensive Player of the Year Trophy. In the past, Ray Lewis, Brian Urlacher and Derrick Brooks have won this award. This year, coming in third place, was Ronde Barber, who received a first place vote from the Busters.
[JWN sizes up Ah-nold and goes in for the smooch. Ah-nold is disgusted, picks up JWN and throws him throw the window, which just happens to be the bathroom. JWN can be heard sobbing.]
LC: In second place was Keith Bulluck (16/154) who became the leader of the top defense with the Envy. He received a first place vote from the 44�s and a second from the Cubists, but he should have received a lot more support. Oh well.
[A bloodied JWN comes back to the podium]
JWN: I apologize to everyone, including you Linda. I guess I have been drinking a bit too much � even you look good to me.
[LC points to Ah-nold who picks JWN again and throws him through the already broken bathroom window. More sobbing can be heard.]
LC: This year�s Don Sweeney Defensive Player of the Year Trophy goes to now three-time winner � Ray Lewis (16/173.5). Owner Perry Missner made the mistake of trading Lewis just as he was about to take off. Lewis garnered first place votes from the Cubists, Cookies, Losers, and Brents in winning the award in a landslide.
Ray Lewis: While I�d like to stab or dismember somebody, my agent has told me that those things will not help my image. I am glad that Stoer kept me on for next year as I am smash the Envy and their supposed great defense to bits. Smash it to bits!
AS: Before ve go onto da big two avards, let us go to that freak Mikall Jackson and vind out about Chad Nuss�s condition.
MJ: Eee-hee, jam�on, jam�on. Oh yes, thank you, Arnold (although I have to admit I voted for my friend Arnold Jackson in the elections last year.) I have just received word from the surgeons that � eee-hee � Nuss is going to make it. The surgery performed took the bullet (and two pounds of licorice) out of Nuss�s stomach. Nuss is lucky he ate so much licorice as it stopped the bullet from doing more damage within his body. I have my legion of little boys scouring the Internet and their other sources to find out who would perpetrate this dastardly deed. No words yet � it may have to wait until the 2004 recaps that we find out �Who shot Chad Nuss?�
AS: Ah ya, a cliffhanga! Dat�s a good idear. Now we get to da big avards. Ya. To introduce da MVP avard � here are the presidential candidate I fear da least and his look alike from da Lord of da Rings movies: Dennis Kookoonich and Gollum.
Dennis Kucinech: That�s Kucinech � you boob.
[AS starts walking toward Kucinech until a legion of secret service men surround him. Kucinech, clearly our next president, is safe.]
Gollum: We wants our preciousssss.
DK: This is a joke � I don�t want to be here, although I am reaching a few voters. So let me tell you � I want to take the U.S. out of Iraq and bring the U.N.
Gollum: Smiegol thinks that is a good idea, yes, precioussss, U.S. out, U.N. in�.
DK: Uch, I don�t even think hobbits can vote. But there was plenty of voting for the La-la-la-lafontaine Most Valuable Player Award. Unlike in 2000, when there was not a clear consensus between George Bush and Sore Loserman, there was a consensus in this voting. There was a tie for third place � just like Joe Lieberman and my good friend Wesley Clark in New Hampshire. Jamal Lewis (16/200) and Randy Moss (16/200) had equal points and an equal number of votes, but no first place votes. One of two first place votes not going to the winner went to the second place finisher, Peyton Manning (11/208). Manning received his vote from the Losers.
Gollum: My precioussss�
DK: Oh, shut up, would you? The winner of this year�s La-la-la-lafontaine Most Valuable Player Award is no surprise: Priest Holmes (16/284). He received first place votes from everyone except the Losers and Busters (Ricky Williams.).
PM: Holmes had 23 more points than any other player as well as 12 all pro games and helped the Busters nab a share of the championship in their first year. No one contributed to their team�s wins more than Holmes.
RC: Priest was downright silly. Led the league in total points and did so for a co-champ.
DW: I know I know I cut Holmes 2 years ago shut up already!!!
JS: Priest was consistently the best Fantasy player.
AS: And finally ve get to da biggest avard of da night. It�s been a long night, but I see no reason to stahll anymore. Dere vere tree owner who received votes for da Modano Mi Hermano Avard for Best Owner/Coach. Coming in turd place was Da Einar! He received a vote from Da Beers.
RC: This was a tough call. Rich went from worst-to-first, but that�s not an honest reflection of his team. With the first pick, plus Priest & Peyton, all he needed to do was not be Rob Oauouo and his team would contend. The Einar built a solid team for once, that contended to the end.
AS: So, Randy did not vote for his co-champion � dat could be interesting later on. Da other 8 voting members of league split, dere vote. Dis year's Modano Mi Harmano Coach/Owners of Da Year ah Randy Chambahs and Rich Yoseph! On da side of Randy Chambers, we had Envy, Losers, Busters, and Wookies.
PM: I was all set to award this vote to Steve Johnson for his great pick of Bulger, benching of Farf, and trading away Ahole for Tomlinson, but then I remembered that he had Farf on his roster in the first place, so I disqualified him. Of the co-champions, I think Randy improved his team during the season more than Rich. The Busters got nice contributions from Steve Smith and used their QB tandem to their advantage, but the Beers resurrected Santana Moss and Jerome Bettis. The deciding factor, however, was how Randy refused to start players against the Skins � it�s that kind of moral stand that always leads to good things and was surely a part in the Beers second championship.
RJ: Great season!
SO: He scored the most points.
AS: Ya, he good. Da udder half of da avard goes to first year owner Rich Joseph. He led a team that was once da laughingstock of da league to a co-championship. He received votes from the 44�s, Cookies, Cubists, and Brents.
JS: Toss up between the co-champs, but I'll give the nod to the rookie coach because he took a perrenial chump franchise to the top in just one season. Maybe we should call him Rich "Big Tuna" Joseph.
JM: I wish I could split my vote. The tiebreaker here is degree of difficulty: the Ballbusters essentially had two keepers plus David Boston, whereas the Beers had three great keepers.
DW: Gotta go with the guy who took a periennal loser and made them champs.
SJ: From the newbie of the league to the top. Not bad.
[RC and RJ climb the stairs the podium to share their award, but bickering commences.]
RJ: How could you vote for the Einar over me? The Einar smells funny.
RC: That�s true, but you had Priest, if Ouaou would have been around, he would have done just as well.
RJ: He never did anything from what I heard!
AS: You guys, vatch out!
[Owner Perry Missner, ready to dole out his annual beating to the Modano award winner, springs from the audience and lays a nasty karate kick combo on the two winners.]
PM: Wha-cha!
[The karate kicks lead into a series of beautifully thrown karate punches, elbows, and knees. When finished Missner bows to the audience and begins to walk off stage, thinks better of it, and downs Ah-nold with a series of combos the likes have never been seen.]
PM: That�s for � steadily making � worse and worse movie!!! Wha-cha!!!!
[With Ah-nold a crumpled mess, Missner ends his reign of terror, bows to the audience, who fearfully give him polite applause, and leaves.]
[A crumpled RJ slowly gets up, gets to his megaphone, and cries]
RJ: Now, get the hell off my lawn.
[When the crowd is rather slow to follow his command, RJ � you guessed it � covers his eyes, runs in the house, and sobs in the bathroom. Of course, with the window broken open, everyone can see him. So everyone goes home after a good laugh.]
--------------------------------------In the Books Press-----------------------------------