Veaselicious Cookies 92 Einar’s Lovable Losers 57 While there might have been games of more importance to determining the league’s championship (might have?), there was no matchup in Week 9 that featured more intensity and more raw hatred than Cookies-Losers tilt. Owner Dan Weitz and Steve “the Einar” Olsen’s rivalry is legendary and they compete at whatever they do. Whether it is computer games, fantasy sports or even eating Oreo’s – the Weitz-Olsen relationship is one of one-upsmanship. Weitz may have two children and another on the way, but insider reports have the Einar’s family adopting quadruplets. Yet, in the world of Modano, the Losers have reigned supreme. In all three previous battles, the Losers have come out on top. Of course, in past year’s Olsen’s teams have been respectable, but 2002 has not turned out to be just another year. The league swept the schedule through the first half against the Losers and only the Cookies could ruin the league’s success against the Einar. Was Dan Weitz up to the challenge? Yes, he was. Weitz, who happens to speak the language of love, even used an age old psychological ploy by allowing the Losers to be overconfident with the placement of TE Shannon Sharpe – who was on the bye – in the lineup. Sharpe, of course, didn’t score and was upbraided by Weitz, “I don’t care if you’re on a bye - everyone contributes.” But without Sharpe on the field, the Cookie offense had more room to roam. QB Tom Brady was especially proficient as he tallied 34 points on 4 TD’s. The Cookies lead the league in TD’s with 52. One of Brady’s TD tosses went to Jimmy Smith who scored 14. While Brady’s passing was good, his handing off was also nice. Marshall Faulk, who was given the gameball, scored 20 points for his 4th all pro performance. Weitz, who could teach numerous seminars on the board game Titan, would call his first seminar: “Swearing in Titan--How to use colorful language to obtain an advantage at a fast paced board game for all ages.” Sounds fascinating. Meanwhile, things were as usual for the Losers: TD’s were at a premium and many players played below their capability. Steve “Chair” McNair led the offense, such as it is, with 8 points and Tomlinson and Alstott both scored TD’s and had 10 points. With an enormous lead on Monday morning, Weitz felt comfortable enough to do a bit of taunting. When asked about his favorite zoo animal, Weitz replied, “The big cats because they remind me of the Einar, a Big Pussy.” Weitz continued, “I'm going to predict it’s over because the Einar only has some [homo sapiens] named Glenn playing and Pirate reject named Longshanks from TGI Fridays. Let's all say it together Einar 0-17 this year.” Glenn did exceed expectations by scoring one point, but Monday ended the darkest week in the Losers history.
San Francisco Cubists 93 Peaks Island Wookies 61 Who can say how the San Francisco Cubists have maintained their ability to rise above the rank and file of Modanoland and be winner’s year after year. For years, we thought it was the blazing desire of Owner Jason Moore, who seemed to know who the bears and bulls of the market were going to be as well as when to push which button. However, 2002 has thrown a monkey in the wrench, Moore has entrusted his team to a dead actor who played a security guard for a month. The ghost of Dudley Moore may turn out to be an even better fantasy owner than anyone could have imagined. In his first week in the post, Moore and his Cubists had a major challenge – the first place Peaks Island Wookies. Moore used unconventional techniques in the weeks’ practices by showing the Cubist players how to become ethereal and, therefore, virtually untackleable. The team seemed to respond not only to the practices but also Moore’s delicious wit. Sir Dudley even held an impromptu class on “Wit and Whimsy: A Survey of Film Comedy. Highlights would include Arthur, Unfaithfully Yours, and Arthur 2: On the Rocks.” RB Tiki Barber seemed to take special delight in his pregame meal of tea and crumpets by boosting his performance into the heavenly reaches with a couple of TD’s and a season high 22 points. Brilliant! Substitute QB Marc Bulger was also right on with another couple of TD’s and 14 points with many of his receptions being made by WR Terrell Owens who had 12 points – all on yards. The starting runner, Fred Taylor, was a bit more dodgy as he did not score. Moore, who replied to some poor grammar in interviews during the week by saying, “My dear boy, I speak English. The rest of you speak American,” said he liked the tree frog best. The Wookies felt like they were squashed like a small tree frog after their first loss in a month. Both losses have been blowouts, by the way. Owner Will Mitchell, who speaks “German, a little Spanish and French, and a very little Czech” and likes to watch the whooping crane at the zoo, had no answers for his teams let down. Yes, they were minus a few good players, but Drew Bledsoe (who shared the Wookies’ game ball with the Envy’s Antowain Smith) was rather flat. Perhaps it was that Mitchell delivered a four day class on “Geography Makes the World go Round” in which he covered how some geography is inherent in the business and operations of 95% of all organizations...then explain why everyone needs GIS and geo-technologies to manage and understand their worlds, their places and things, and their work.” In other words, the team was a bit confused. Even the difference maker, Curtis Conway (9 pts) couldn’t overcome the irrational play of two Packers. Mitchell explained his theories on the loss on Sunday night this way: “Well, let's see - it is sunday night and I need 44 points from 4 guys to tie. Let's face it - I screwed up. Wells was supposed to be a Red Herring, then I outfoxed myself by leaving him in and even adding a Houston WR who did nothing. My other ploy to leave Fauria in with Booger was the right call since Fauria scored a TD again, but that fake-out double TE set didn’t get on the field. I came away with 6 points form the whole Off Flex, and only 3 from Vinatieri even in a blowout win because the Pats could only score TDs. Drew had a severely off day too, but he still gets the game ball - even if ricky does come on strong tomorrow night. Drew gets his week off next, but we're confident in our backup at QB for a change. Conway was a difference maker again but how the hell did they get stomped by the Jets? Just goes to show you that the Pats are going back to the Super Bowl this year.” Ricky scored 5 points. Meanwhile, a jubilant, media friendly Dudley bounced up to the podium and answered media questions for three hours, starting with “I love this part! This is a great ensemble cast, and everyone is willing to share the spotlight from week to week. To the other team, I would say this: if you are going to portray a New England fan, wouldn't it be more convincing to put the New England players in your lineup?” Yah, Will, what’s the deal?
P-Miss Envy 84 Brentful Brents 72 While the Brents-Envy rivalry does not have the single-mindedness of the Losers-Cookies battles (both the Envy and Brents like to win some other games as well), there is a mutual disrespect that goes back a long way. We think it all starts with Owner Perry Missner’s hatred of the Green Bay Packers, who Owner Steve Johnson claims to adore. Missner, who refuses to not only have current Packers but anyone who ever donned the puke green and yellow jerseys on his team, looked to backup runners to make up for his lackluster scores of late. The other Ricky Williams hurt himself in pre-game warm-ups. When he tried to inform Missner, who speaks a smattering of Indonesian, of his injury, the coach grabbed his jersey and dumped Williams in the gutter. Missner professes himself to be a master of the grilled cheese sandwich and would like to teach a class called, “Grilled cheese-ology 101. Topics of discussion for each week will include – choices of bread, cheese, pan, heat, seasonings (we prefer garlic powder), flipping, cutting, serving and storing.” Now, who couldn’t use marketable skills like that? Meanwhile, to make things even, Johnson, who knows some German but doesn’t use it much, started Renoldo Hill, who was injured. What a guy! The Envy took early control of the game as Antowain Smith scored repeatedly. Smith, who was given the game ball, scored 27 points and three TD’s. The other Envy runners racked up the yards (George 7 pts – Kenny Watson 9 pts) but didn’t find the endzone. David Akers had another fine day as the stiff Bear D kept the Eagles out of the endzone repeatedly and scored 13 points. Akers leads all kickers in scoring. Brian Urlacher also had a nice day with 11 points, although the Bear D was hampered by officials who clearly on the Eagles’ payroll. Michael Vick proved that the future isn’t here yet as he only scored 1 point. The Brents did receive a couple of Sunday TD’s from Peerless Price (“Who doesn’t like the Bison?”) and Anthony Brecht, but they were not enough to keep the Brents close. The Brent D, which is now the worst in the league, only scored 6 points and was the subject of Johnson’s scorn. Oddly, Johnson said he would like to teach a class on “Military Tactics Through the Years: How technology and society changed military strategies and battle field tactics.” His tactics certainly didn’t work in Week 9. Johnson was relying on his unholy trio of Packers to overcome the 36 point deficit staring them in the face going into Monday. A gimpy Brent Farf, who somehow manages to play despite having both Troy Aikman and John Madden stuffed in his rectum, scored 9 point and helped Ahole “Put it on the” Green to get 20. Green was given the gameball. Zach Thomas made the final score a bit more respectable by scoring 9 points. Johnson could only hang in his head in shame after the loss: “Ugh, I only have myself to blame but my D is crap and I should just get used to it.” Missner, on the other hand, was jumping around excitedly like the monkeys he likes at the zoo (“Unlike most animals that just sleep, the monkeys are usually pretty active and, like me, they eat bananas”). His thoughts on the game included, “A win over the inbred horde is always nice, and it's made doubly sweet because they won't be able to reap revenge until 2003. I guess we are saving the big TD efforts until we really need them, but we are racking up the yards. I am just sorry that the Bears lost and Packers won (in that order), but we'll get them next week.”
County Coroners 69 Syracuse 44’s 60 It has been three weeks since a black cloud enveloped the normal affable Owner John Stoer and his criticism has been heard up and down Main Street of Syracuse. Stoer “spent the past two weeks lashing out at other owners and their sad ass teams” but another loss would create a crossroads for the harsher Stoer. And Week 9 looked like a good week to get a victory since the 44’s had generally owned the County Coroners of Owner Chad Callahan Nuss. Star QB Donovan McNabb (12 pts.) had a so-so day against the suddenly ferocious Bears defense and was only able to score on a run in which one of his blockers held Brian Urlacher egregiously. Marvin Harrison had a good day with 14 points on a TD and a 2-point conversion, but Harrison and McNabb were the only two 44’s in double digits. The usually awful 44 OF was it’s usual awfulness with 11 points – 6 coming on Darnerian McCants’ TD. The DF also looks like it has had the blood let out of it as all three members scored 5 points (meanwhile, LB Keith Bulluck was running a TD in and scored 14 points on his lonesome.). Perhaps, the 44’s just lack motivation, but that wouldn’t be covered in Stoer’s class, “How To Waste Time Without Even Trying. The highlights would include not just waching hours and hours of sports on TV- notably golf- but would include the double whammy of participating in Fantasy Sports as well. This time of year you can, without much effort at all, waste entire weekends. It's too bad golf is over.” Stoer refused to hand out a gameball telling the team, “We should all be ashamed of ourselves” and saying that they reminded him snakes – “which are in general are my least favorite of all creatures. However, I saw a two-headed snake once at a zoo and it was pretty cool.” While the 44’s should have felt ashamed, it was the Coroners who did just enough to win. Owner Chad Nuss, who likes panthers at the zoo, knows that if he can keep the game close, the Coroners are tops in games won by less than 10 points (16-10 overall record). While his Raiders did not play very well, the Coroner-Raiders were very efficient. Rich Gannon threw one TD but it was to Jerry Porter as the two combined for 20 points. The other Coroner TD came from Charlie Garner who scored another 10. Amos Zereoue made the most of his first start with 11 and the DF scored 23. It was the Coroner bench that was given the gameball as they beat the starters (singled out for scorn) with 75 points (Garcia 24, Moe Williams 19). Nuss relaxed after the game by sitting at one of his favorite places – the couch, (A staple of American life and History) which may be the subject of a class taught by Nuss, which would include such highlights as “a review of classic couches, american pastime or addiction?, how to avoid getting up, eating/drinking/smoking, and, finally, how not to listen to those who may distract you.” Nuss summarized the game thusly, “A win is a win. I can't talk about the Raiders right now. We're [in a bad place]!” Stoer, meanwhile, said, “I can not believe I just lost to the Jerry Porter-led Coroners. It's a bad dream, it must be. I now see that at least some of my rage needs to be focused upon my own players. Forget Miami or Oklahoma, I'm not sure that we could beat Georgetown Prep- the #2 ranked High School team in the DC area and old Sidwell rival. I will explore all options. No job is safe. That's right, everyone is on the block.” Even Super Joe Nedney?!?
Bull City Bears 48 East Bay Brothers 42 Blech, ugh, yikes, pha-tooey, ug-lee, don’t step in th… oops – all of these expressions (and more) could be used to describe the debacle that was the Bears- Brothers Week 9 meeting. Where do we start? Well, you could start with Owner Rob Ouaou’s “decision” to leave Priest Holmes (on the bye) as well as Ike Hilliard and John Abraham (injured) in the lineup. Then Owner Randy Chambers “decided” to leave RB Stephen Davis in the lineup. All of these players, plus the Bears’ Frank Wycheck and the Brothers’ David Boston accounted for zero points. Chambers at least offered up a technological explanation: “Sandbox sucks. Evertime I try to log on at a decent hour to make transactions, I get kicked off by the stupid peak usage thingy. I'd complain more, but I trust that was to blame for Rob using three players who had byes or were hurt, whereas I only got stuck with one!” Agreed – maybe it is time to find Modano a new home. Davis was given the gameball by Chambers because “he doesn't even have to play to lead us to victory!” Chambers, whose Spanish is sometimes better than his English (and who'd “like to learn Tzunihil, but that may be in my next lifetime.”), only received one TD from Hieny Wartz. Ward’s 11 points were matched by replacement kicker Joe Cortez’s 11. Keepers Duante Culpepper and Randy Moss did not have a good game as they were unable to solve the Tampa D and scored 4 points combined. Mark Brunell made a play for the starting QB slot with 20 points from the bench. Keeper Shaun Alexander had 7. Meanwhile, nearly 50% of the Brothers scoring came from QB Peyton Manning who had his second straight 19 point game. Todd Heap kept up his acceptable TE play with 5 and London Fletcher led the defense with 6. LaMont Jordan scored 13 points from the Brother bench. There weren’t even any Monday nighters to boost the score. The 90 points combined were the lowest total since the final week of 2000 when the Losers beat the Syracuse-laden 44’s – 48-25. The 48 point winning total also was the lowest since that Week 17 ugliness. After the game, Ouaou cleaned house by cutting Anthony Dorsett, Wayne Chrebet and even Dominic Rhodes (yeah!). In something of a surprise Chambers (who could teach a class on How to Organize a Credit Union, which would be over-subscribed) did not seem to care for the opposing owner by saying, “Other than Raider Fans, I don't believe animals should be caged.” Further Chambers thoughts included, “There are no words to describe the disaster that was an 87 point combined performance. Only the Dallas Cowgirls, with back-to-back 0-0 halftime scores compare to the disaster that was the Bull City-East Bay "battle" this week.”
Week 10 previews - In the next three weeks, the Cubists hope to avenge the first three losses handed to them by the Brents, Bears and Envy. Perhaps the ghost of Dudley Moore will not only be able to inspire the Cubist troops but also curse (“Bloody hell”) the other teams. The hometown Cubists can also help themselves in the standings by knocking off the similarly 6-3 Brents. The Brents won a 85-78 decision in Week One, but the Cubists still hold the series edge at 4-3. The game will be long on RB’s and short on WR’s and each team has stocked its OF with runners (Cubists: Barber, Dillon and Lewis – Brents: Dunn, Portis and Staley). Owner Steve Johnson will also try out William Bartee in the DF, while the Moore welcomes back Sammy Knight from the bye. Sir Dudley commented on the match by saying, “As long as people keep coming out to watch, we'll keep working on sequels.” Another matchup of teams with winning records takes place as the County Coroners fly up to Peaks Island to take on the Wookies. These two had a contentious battle in Week One with both criticizing the other’s favorite team in the Wookies’ 76-70 win. Owner Will Mitchell, who is giving Ty Law a go, seemed willing to give the Coroners some pre-game motivation with his comments, “Assuming we don't pull off a miracle comeback - we have gotten to like this winning thing a lot - and don’t like to lose - with Rod and Joe and Deuce all coming back form the bye we intend to come out blazing in week 10, with no signs of Houston players around. And with over half the opponents players wearing Raider black going against a tough Denver squad on the road it doesn't seem likely that the ageless wonders will post huge collective numbers - rumor has it they are still whining about some fumble...i mean...incomplete pass...in the snow in last years playoffs. TUCK RULE BABY!!!!!” Yet, the Coroners still hold the 4-3 edge in the series and have the advantage of having no Packers in their lineup. Chad Nuss said, “Don't underestimate the power of the County! Denver this week though, could pose some challenges all over the place for the slumping Coroners.” Nuss can count on Ubercoachen Ray Rhodes to screw up a good thing. Moe Williams returns to the Coroner lineup. The always interesting matchup of Bull City Bears and Syracuse 44’s takes place at Jim Brown Stadium with the teams having opposite records. The Bears won a tight Week 1 game – 80-89. Owner Randy Chambers, who returns Shaun Alexander to the lineup and gives Al Wilson a start, is apparently looking past the 44’s: “They are all must wins from here on out. Do I play Jamo? Must beat Jamo.” That kind of slight may be noticed by Owner John Stoer, who tried to focus on other things than the brewing controversy, “My sympathy goes out to Randy for having to deal with the soul-sucking, skirt-wearing, lazy-ass [female genitalia] that is Randy Moss. He sullies the proud name of the Bull City Bears with every down he "plays".” The 44’s start local favorite James Mungro, Travis Taylor and pathetic Nate Wayne in hopes of getting their third win in the 10 game series. The P-Miss Envy hope to use homecooking to keep Einar’s Lovable Losers winless. The Envy won the first matchup going away, 104-56. Aware of his team’s history, Owner Perry Missner said, “I am sure we will lose, since the Envy has provided that needed first win for seemingly every team that has needed that first breath of fresh air. Of course, we know all of Steve "Pear" McNair's tricks, so we should have him covered. We're not looking forward to seeing him in those awful Einar colors though up close.” Missner returns Anthony Thomas to his starting RB slot and will try Marcel Shipp for a start – for now. The Einar had no comment on his winless ways and hasn’t taken Mike Alstott or Warren Sapp out of his lineup yet. Finally, we have the Veaselicious Cookies hitting the road to take on the East Bay Brothers. The Cookies are coming off a huge win against the Losers and have won two of their last three. They may be in for a let down, but with the return of Easy Ed McCafferty to the lineup – intensity should be high. Predictably, Owner Dan Weitz returned to his familiar weekly call, “Is this the week I play the einar again?” Not til next year, buddy. Owner Rob Ouaou, whose team won an exciting 102-92 Week 1 game, has changed his lineup some, but he now has holes in the OF and DF that need to be filled. The series is tied 3-3.
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