San Francisco Cubists 102 County Coroners 59 Speculations ran rampant all week leading to the game on who Owner Jason Moore of the Cubists had tabbed as the man to play “Fritz,” the security guard. But before the media’s investigative report could be published, there was a game to be played with old rivals as opponents. For the fifth week in a row, the Cubists outclassed their opposing team as they used the home field advantage and a stout KC defense to gain another win. Unlike past seasons, when the Cubists could rely on excellent performances from certain players with other timely contributions, the 2002 success seems to come from different players each week. The most consistent excellence has come from QB Aaron Brooks who scored 16 points for his 5th all pro performance. Brooks’ two TD strikes went to Terrell Owens who tied the WR record (the Envy’s Marty Booker in Week 1) with 20 points. Owens and Booker are also tied for the most points by a receiver (72) this season. A slightly tipsy Fritz gave the game ball to Owens. The third and final all pro performance came from Corey Dillon who had 15. Fritz sat at the piano to play an ode to Dillon, then recounted the story of how he gave up the drink, “I woke up at 5 PM, lying on my floor, with a pool of black vomit on the rug between me and my bed where I went to sleep seventeen hours earlier. There was rice in it. I swore off drinking for a while after that.” Very graphic. Fritz, who rooted for the Giants, was disappointed in Chad Bradford, the Texan nee Packer, who scored 1 point, almost as much as he is by the sudden vacuum that is now Kirk Cameron’s career. Fritz, who liked Animal House, made his final veiled comment by saying, “That one touchdown the Coroners scored was a thing of beauty. I wonder why they start Chad Lewis instead of Doug Jolley? Our defensive flex did a great job.” It’s true that the flex (29 pts – lead the league in interceptions caught) did were fine, but there affect on the Coroners offense is not able to quantified. The previously open Chiefs D became thick as thieves in stopping the Owner Chad Callahan Nuss’s Raiders. Rich Gannon had the aforementioned TD (to Doug Jolley) and was able to get his 5th all pro performance with 15 points. The Coroners, who did get a two point conversion from TE Chad Lewis, have only 11 TE points through eight weeks. Tim Brown had 9 points on yards, while Jerry Rice slumped to 1 in the starting WR slot. The Coroners’ DF scored 8 points, despite the brilliance of Mike Brown’s 4, and allowed over 100 points for the first time this season. Promptly at 1:30PM on Wednesday, members of the media convened for a press conference. “It has become known, through sources we don’t wish to divulge, that the true identity of ‘Fritz the Security Guard’ is none other than Jason Moore’s long lost uncle – the recently deceased actor Dudley Moore. Yes, the star of Arthur, 10 and Like Father, Like Son has rebounded from his death to play his greatest part.” Moore’s ghost threw off his long blond wig and tore off his fake moustache, to reveal the diminutive British actor who needed a great part so that he could leave purgatory and get his final resting place. Members of the crowd mumbled with disappointment, but it will be interesting to see what Dudley Moore’s ghost can do for the rest of the season without the shackles of Fritz.
Brentful Brents 91 Veaselicious Cookies 89 The week’s most exciting finish, and one of the most exciting games of the season, was played at WonderBra Fields. The Cookies, coming off their astonishing squashing of the Envy, were fired up and looked ready for their second win of the season, but Owner Steve Johnson and his Brentful Brents were Brentless for the first time this season so victory was within reach. For the second consecutive week, the Cookies came out firing. They did not have an all pro performance this week, but a band of good games. The Cookies were on an emotional high due to Emmitt Smith’s accrual of more yards than anyone else in history – never mind, that the Cowboys couldn’t even beat the woeful Seahawks. Smith (10 pts) was given the game ball by Owner Dan Weitz, was trotted around the field, then was put back in his corner to be forgotten about. The team was led by Travis Henry who had 13 points, despite his 6th fumble lost. Henry led the Cookie OF to its best day with a combined 32 points. Brian Griese also connected with Shannon Sharpe for another TD as the two combined for 17 points. Weitz, who knows that Angels are better than Giants in Titan, also received a season high 11 points from Phil Dawson. Some people believe that Weitz may actually be the Watchman from the movie Unbreakable since he has never really been that sick. Meanwhile, if you want great sickness stories – however below the belt they are – you should listen to Johnson, “I was in the UP hiking with some buds. We wanted a short hike but ended up being a 12 miler with nothing to eat. We then pounded down super greasy pizza and cheese bread. Let’s just say the other guys did stuff on their own for awhile.” I smell you – I really do, but there was another, “A friend and I went to visit someone in SF. She had to work all day so we walked ALL over the city (through the entire park, to the ocean, back 30 blocks to her place). We then chowed at The Stinking Rose, an all garlic place. We were on Treasure Island (nothing around) when the GI difficulties began. It was a race with the devil to get to a john.” Oh man, somebody get me a match. Neither of these stories were as funny as Austin Powers (before the jokes were beaten into the ground) to Johnson, who laughed his ass off (let’s not get into it) or Ace Ventura to Weitz. Meanwhile, the Brent OF had its best day with everyone scoring TD’s. Chris Chandler (5 pts – but somehow a disappointment to Johnson who should know better than to play Bears) connected with Peerless Price (12 pts) for a TD strike. Going into Monday night, the Cookies held a one point lead with their two Eagles, Thrash and Dawkins, facing the lone Brent Duce Staley. The former Cookie Staley, who once ran for three TD’s against the Envy, ended up ousting his Philly brethren and gaining the Brents their 6th win. For his efforts, Staley was allowed to share the game ball with Clinton Portis (19 pts). Johnson commented, “I went to bed thinking it was in the bag. When I got up I check the site and saw that I was tied and would lose on a tie break. Thank god for receiving yards.” Yes, thank somebody. The losing Weitz returned to Emmitt for his comments, “Emmitt smith all-time leading rusher that has a nice ring to it. Payton, who?” Why ask rhetoric questions?
Peaks Island Wookies 88 Syracuse 44’s 64 Owner John Stoer is mad (much like Toru Tanaka). As the season continues, the once promising start for the 44’s is being flattened into what might become like a repeat of the ruinous 2000 season. But, rather than turning the other cheek and shying away from the media, Stoer has done the stand up thing and laid it all out on the line from week to week. Despite his increasingly surly attitude, Stoer has found that not saying the expected has given him a much wider audience – one that may some day get him a better job than owning the Syracuse 44’s. As we all know, the next step up is the Denver Broncos, but that speculation is for another day. Today, we write about the 44’s third straight loss in an uneven performance against the league’s leading team – the Peaks Island Wookies. The Wookies were without starting RB Ricky Williams, but first pick of the draft Deuce McAlister was ready to go after being the subject of some bulletin board material from Stoer prior to the game. Deuce rolled the 44 D for a season high 25 points and made QB Drew Bledsoe’s job that much easier. Bledsoe had to deal with few blitzes and was able to connect for 16 points (his 6th all pro performance) to Joe Horn (10 pts – and the highest average for ppg for WR). You know it is your year when you put a stiff like Christian Fauria (7 pts.) in the lineup and he scores a TD. The defense, which Owner Will Mitchell promised to improve, had its best day with 20 points due to new additions Shelton Quarles and Peter Boulware. Where’s the DL’s? Mitchell, despite his winning ways, did not comment to the press in time for this report. Stoer had enough comment for two coaches. He bemoaned his OF who only scored 9 points again. Their performance reminded him of a vacation to Jamaica (mon) 1983ish in which he got sun poisoning: “I had to [defecate] and puke at the same time and there is, even in Jamaica, only one toilet in the bathroom.” That story is Johnson-esque. The only guy who could have reminded Stoer of the Anaheim Angels, who he rooted for because “I am an AL guy,” was K Martin Gramatica who scored all 12 of Tampa’s points. The DF (12 pts.) was not funny like A Fish Called Wanda and the score was out of reach by the time Monday hit the calendars. Even QB Donovan McNabb’s best efforts (19 points on 100+ rushing yards) and Jeremy Shockey’s return (4 points and a game ball because “my man’s crazy”) could not overcome the 54 point defecit. A sour Stoer said, “I would not be surprised to see Deuce McCalister one day overtaking Emmitt Smith's career rushing mark and I can only hope, in the interest of all humanity, that Will Mitchell, on that distant tragic day of his death, donates his brain to science so we can better understand his unique and total genius.” These teams will meet again.
P-Miss Envy 86 Bull City Bears 65 These two teams who have begun their meandering middles of the season met at Spurtability.com Fields in hopes of getting something going and making a charge at the title. The Bears had had their first place sails torched by the Wookies and the Envy were coming off a historic defeat at the hands of the Cookies. While neither team rebounded completely, there were positive signs for both. Owner Randy Chambers had to be concerned that his keeper’s were never going to earn their big, fat paychecks. In Week 8 those second and third year Bears scored over 67% of the team’s points. Chambers gave the game ball to his Vikings – Randy Moss and Daunte Culpepper for their 25 points in their win over the lifeless Chicago Bears. The third member of the Bear triumvirate, Shaun Alexander, came to life and scored 17 points – and it wasn’t even a night game. Things were not so chipper for the rest of the squad. Frank Wycheck and David Patten’s 0’s reminded Chambers of “the first and last time I ever went skateboarding - Broken ankle, torn ligaments & cartilage.” Youch! The defensive flex was little better with only 9 points – which did not remind Chambers of Robin Williams Live! But, like the San Francisco Giants, Chambers was most disappointed in Stephen Davis, who only scored 2 points against the porous Colt D and managed to hurt himself. Davis’ two points were equaled by the equally disappointing Anthony Thomas of the Envy. Owner Perry Missner said, “it is mostly the offensive line's fault, but it sure makes Anthony look bad.” Sure, blame it on the fat guys. Also like the Bears, the Envy scored 4 TD’s. The big two came from QB Michael Vick who has reassumed his position atop the Envy lineup. Vick, who received the game ball for “points and leadership,” scored 24 points – a season high for the Envy. Antowain Smith had his first Envy TD from the flex for 9 points and Marty Booker continued his solid season with 11 points. Michael Bennett ran like a hilarious scene from History of the World, Part 1 as he smushed the Bears for 9 points as well. The Envy victory was sealed when K David Akers managed not to fumble 4 times and scored 9 points. A loss would have made Missner as sick as “the time I had the flu so bad that I didn't even have enough energy to look for the remote. Now that's bad.” Missner commented on the win, “It's always nice to win, but my team is just not playing all that well. We gained a lot of yards on the ground, but where are the TD's? I am challenging each player to perform better than they did this week and if they don't make it - you may be headed the furthest outpost of the league - the Losers. Look what happened to McNair?” Meanwhile, speaking of furthest outputs, Chambers said, “BC Bears may pack up the Mayflower vans and move to Guatemala, where they went 2-0 before their recent two game skid. Interesting things you learn watching Monday Night Football in Central America: 1. Fuad Reveiz has retired to the pressbox. 2. Fuad Reveiz, like every other NFL announcer, is brighter than Troy Aikman. [and so if my left shoe] 3. Fuad Reveiz is not some Arab. 4. Fuad Reveiz, like the Gramatica brothers, kicked "gols de campo" for a living before retiring to the broadcast booth.”
East Bay Brothers 78 Einar’s Luvable Losers 64 Quietly, sneakily, the Brothers are having a solid season. Yes, I know it may surprise some, but with a win over the Losers – who know own the league’s worst start of season, we somehow forgot 2001’s forgettable Wookie opening 0-7 last week – the Brothers not only managed to pull themselves up to .500, but they no longer have the league’s worst historical record. Despite their horrendously, stupendously bad 1999 season, the Brothers have caught and passed the Cookies in overall winning percentage (.339 to .329). If Owner Rob Ouaou had commented, he would probably give most of the credit to Priest Holmes. The league’s leading scorer – yes, better than all of the QB’s – had his 6th all pro game and scored 18 points, despite having only one TD. The Losers’ D, such as it is, had to key on Holmes, which left QB Peyton Manning plenty of time to scan the field and find the open man. And Manning did to the tune of 19 points. Laverneus Coles, seeing his first playing time since Week 1, hauled in one of those TD’s and scored 10 points. Wayne Chrebet had another but he was put on the bench for Ike Hilliard who done got broken for the season. Speaking of the Brothers’ bench, what is Dominic Rhodes doing there? The least Ouaou could do is pick up a solid blocker like Mack Strong. The actual league’s worst OF, not the 44’s, had 12 points. Owner Steve “the Einar” Olsen must be coming to wit’s end on how to make this losing streak end. The 8-game losing streak is the second longest in Modano history to the Brothers’ own 15 game losing streak from that ill-fated 1999 season. The Losers do appear to be headed in the right direction at one position – QB. Steve “Player” McNair has taken over the team and given it at least a small breath of life. McNair zinged the ball for three scores and a Loser season high of 26. His play inspired Plexico Burress (15 pts – 1st all pro performance) to score two TD’s before being ejected from his game. More reason for hope came from the bench as the Losers had Derrick Mason go for 18 and Tim Couch also go for 24. Unfortunately, none of these players were enough to keep the team from falling to a 21-21 overall record. The offensive flex was led by Steve Smith who had 3. The offensive flex had 3. The defensive flex only had 11. Paul Edinger, kicking for a Packer fan, refused to score more than 1 point. It could be said that the Losers may have been actually looking past the Brothers since their single game grudge match against the Cookies is coming up, but we just can’t use that excuse.
Week 9 previews - And so we have that grudge match, but before we talk about cellar-dwellers, we must talk about the top of the standings. In a game that could have major championship ramifications, the San Francisco Cubists, captained by Dudley Moore, head to Maine to play the Peaks Island Wookies. Both teams have won three games in the series and are enjoying winning streaks. Moore said, “The Wookies are the class of the league so far, and we have nothing but respect for them, much like Bo Derek. The bye hurts both teams, but hopefully our hometown fans will give us a boost.” Dudley is right – both teams are without major contributors due to the bye. The Wookies will be without Deuce McAlister and Rod Smith, but return Ricky Williams and Curtis “the difference maker” Conway and will try out Jonathan Wells and some crappy long named DL. Not a wise decision in such a big game. The Cubists, meanwhile, will be without Aaron Brooks, Tony Gonzalez and John Carney (although the K is still in the lineup). Showing no respect for the Bengals, the Cubists are going with Billy Miller and Corey Bradford. Three Texans in such a big game?!? Crazy. At QB, the Cubists are going with Mark Bulger. The second place hometown Brentless Brents take their grudge match of the year against the P-Miss Envy. Owner Steve Johnson summed up his thoughts on the rivalry succinctly, “Must beat Missner!” The Brents return the Brent, Ahole “Put in on the” Green and Warrick Dunn to the lineup. The Envy, who have the series edge, 3-2, are using Antowain Smith as the lead runner and will try out Zach Thomas, who should have a turnover festival on Monday night. Missner, who’s disdain for the Packers and all associated with them is legendary said, “The Brents are a bunch of idiots who will we thrash mercilessly. Brent Farf - past, Steve "Pear" McNair - present, Michael Vick – future!” An interesting perspective, that’s for sure. The Holmes-less East Bay Brothers will try to extend their winning streak to three games as they hit the road to face the Bull City Bears at the PepBo. Main stud, Priest Holmes, will enjoy the game from the beach with a pina colatta. He may remain in the lineup, knowing Owner Rob Ouaou, but he won’t score. The Bears have now lost two big back runners in Stephen Davis and Jerome Bettis. Davis may play, but for now, he is out of the lineup. Owner Randy Chambers is going with an all-WR OF of David Patten, Hines Ward and Isaac Bruce. Chambers said, “Who am I playing? I hope they suck, because we need some serious air in the Ciudad de los Toros.” Angry Owner John Stoer and his 44’s get to face the team he has had the most success against – the County Coroners. Seven out of the eight matchups have gone the Syracuse way. Stoer, for his part, fully expects the winning ways to continue, “First, on a side note, I'd like to say that it is very nice to see ex-44's Eric Moulds and Duce Staley, after a year off last year, returning to the form that made them special. As for this week and our cross-country trip to face Chad and his collection of gray haired geezers, all I can say to rally my troops is that we better not suck more than a bunch of decrepit old has-beens.” Way to fire up both teams! Stoer will try Jamel White and Todd Pinkston in league’s second worst OF. Owner Chad Callahan Nuss will try out Amos Zereoue for the first time, but other than that – things are status quo. Finally, we can answer Owner Dan Weitz’s weekly question affirmatively: “Is this the week I play the Einar?” Weitz repeated for the eighth time. Yes! Now, will you stop mentioning it? Jesus! What has been Weitz’s raison d’etre since Week 1 has become the stinky underside of a toilet after a Stoer crap’n’puke. The Losers and Cookies have only combined for 1 win (a Cookie win over the Envy) in 8 weeks between them. Both teams should return their stud running backs. The Cookies’ Marshall Faulk is back in the lineup along with Tom Brady. Weitz still hasn’t found a replacement for TE Shannon Sharpe. Steve “the Einar” Olsen should put LaDainian Tomlinson back or else his team will be in big trouble. The Losers happen, and we don’t think it is a coincidence, to be the only team affected by the Panthers’ bye week with both Lamar and Steve Smith out. This could be the Einar’s week to end the losing streak as, need we remind anyone?, the Cookies have never beaten the Losers in three tries.
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