Peaks Island Wookies 90 Bull City Bears 75 For the first time in the series history, the Wookies were able to face off against the Bears and come out with the win. Now there are only two rivalries that are completely one-sided: the 44�s have beaten the Brothers in all five meetings and the Einar has downed his arch-nemesis, the Weasel, in all three meetings. Owner Will Mitchell really had no clue on how the Bears had kept his team down for so long, but he thought the difference may have been WR Curtis Conway (3 pts). While the former-Chicago Bear did not score a TD, he stretched the Bear defense in ways that it hadn�t been contorted before. Mitchell, who once ate 22 pounds, gave the Wookie gameball went to RB Deuce McAlister, the first pick in the draft, who led the double-back-Drew-attack with 17 points. McAlister�s running opened holes for QB Drew Bledsoe to connect with WR Joe Horn as the two combined for three scores and 29 points. Other than Jeff Wilkins (13 pts) litany of successful kicks, those were the only Wookie points in the endzone. RB Ricky Williams had his second worst day with 7 points and the nameless tight end scored just one before taking himself out of the game with a gastral problem. The Wookie D continues to be an area of concern for Mitchell, who believes there is no reason to remake Waterworld, as the DL-laden flex scored only 12 points. They are the league�s lowest scoring defense. The only thing the defense seems to do well is sack and confuse the opponent�s QB. The Wookie D leads the league in sacks with 6.5. QB Daunte Culpepper of the Bears had another off game at the most inopportune time. Owner Randy Chambers knew that his Bears had a chance to be alone in first place with a win, so he gave Culpepper a majority of the responsibility with the offense. Culpepper clearly wasn�t ready for the responsibility as he didn�t score a TD, had three interceptions and only scored one point. The other two Bear keepers didn�t do much as well � Randy Moss had 6 and Shaun Alexander had three. Embarrassing output. On Sunday, the Bears were led by Jason Elam who continued his winning ways with 13 points. Chambers, who is joining Owner Jason Moore in his boycott of the media, should also be concerned with his defense. Champ Bailey (4 pts) seems like a fantasy tease. Mike Rucker sounds like he should be rhyming with his name. The score went from blow out to respectable due to the Monday night efforts of the Bear/Steelers. Jerome Bettis (14 pts) scored two TD�s before getting twitchy with a knee injury and Hines Ward also scored two TD for his first all pro game of the season (17 pts). Mitchell congratulated himself on his team�s sixth victory, doubling last year�s total, by saying, �This train keeps rollin'. When some guys let up some others step up. This is a team effort all the way. And with the defensive weakness we've shown all year it�s surprising we've won so much. There are going to be some shakeups on the defensive side of the ball until we get it right. But behind Drew the O has been making up for it. Time to get Troy Brown back in the lineup and take it to the next level.�
Veaselicious Cookies 134 P-Miss Envy 49 When your team is winless after six weeks, there is no better way to turn your season around than defeating your ancient, but not worst, rival. It�s even better when that win comes in a blow out of historic proportions. Owner Dan Weitz, who once ate 6 lbs of Lasagna and a loaf of garlic bread, got his team off the schneid by pressing all the right buttons. Some had questioned his play of Tommy Maddox over Brian Griese, but in the end it didn�t make a wit of difference. The Cookies got rolling early as RB Marshall Faulk regained his groove thang that had been missing this season. Faulk juked and jived to the tune of 4 scores and a season high RB slot of 39. Asked to comment on his performance, Faulk said, �Bob Costas is a weiner.� Faulk�s day almost put the Cookies over the top and Shannon Sharpe sealed the day with a kiss � a kiss of whup ass! Sharpe came one point short of tying Tony Gonzalez�s TE record with 26 points on two TD�s and over 200 yards. Weitz was forced to give his loquacious TE the gameball �because he told me too.� Another TD was scored by Eric Moulds (11) and Travis Henry had a solid 8-point performance. All in all, his Sunday reminded Weitz of a movie that will never be remade or sequalized � Barry Gordy�s The Last Dragon. Weitz, who thinks Fritz may be Puck from the Real World San Francisco, commented, �How can you top perfection? The great acting, kung fu and Vanity!!!� It was a tremendous triple threat that probably has never been equaled, although Miracle Beach came close (Vlade, Ami Dolenz and �my man stinks!�). Just to show that all of the planets were converging in harmony for the Cookies, the bench scored another 80 points, led by double 24 from Griese and James Stewart. While everything was in alignment for the Cookies, the Envy have seen their season swoon. In what can be best termed a move of hubris, Owner Perry Missner put rookie QB Patrick Ramsey in as his starter. Missner, who once ate 75% of a large deep dish pizza, said this about the former Tulane star, �Christ, hold onto to the damn ball if you aren't going to score TD's,� but Ramsey failed miserably, coming in with a season worst -5 points. Not only was Ramsey cut, but he was also tarred and feathered. The previously consistent offensive flex also let the Envy down with only 6 points. And even the much vaunted DF was outscored by the Cookies� DF 25-16. Missner, who believes that is actually Jason Moore in costume with even lamer quotes than usual, gave the gameball to TE Randy McMichael who scored 10 points � an Envy season high. Missner commented, �My guess is that Fight Club will never be remade - for good reason. Casablanca also seems like it is unlikely that it could or would be remade - or a sequel. Maybe it would be called "Hill of Beans."� More on topic, Missner said, �For the second year in a row, the Envy have provided the first win for a team that's been previously in the dumper. I think last year's loss against the Wookies was also a blow out. I guess the close wins hurt more, but c'mon. I knew Patrick Ramsey was crappy when I saw him against Navy, so I am not sure what I was thinking. Maybe I had more faith in the old ball coach than I should have. Hopefully, the Cookie fans are happy and can now put their concentrations solely on the Einar.� But the game was summed up by Amber Weiz, who screamed, �We are winners!! Perry's a loser!!�
East Bay Brothers 72 Brentful Brents 70 There are bad dreams, like the common one about showing up at school or work without any clothes on, and then there are full blown nightmares. Brents Owner Steve Johnson, who believes that Fritz is Bud Selig just trying to bring down another league, managed to drift off during the Skins-Packers game, only to wake with a start from a dream in which his favorite hillbilly inbred moron QB, Brent Farf, had gone down with a knee injury. But this was no dream � a wimpering Farf had his knee slightly twisted and took himself out of the game, although Packer coaches and especially Doug Pederast thought he could go back in. No, showing the intestinal fortitude of a wet fart, Farf sat himself on the cart and was wheeled in for a needless MRI. Results showed an empty brain cavity and a slight twinge of the knee ligaments. Doctors told Farf not to be such a wuss and get out there, but Farf would have none of it. �Me hurt bad, so me no play.� And with that, the Brents became like a team without a focus. [By the way, did anyone notice that as soon as Farf went out, other Packers started crumbling? It was as if there deal with the devil had finally come due] Johnson - who used to bike past Taco Bell and get a 10 pack for lunch and dinner at college, then usually just eat them all for lunch � went with the ground game and Ahole �Put it on the� Green. Green (20 pts) scored three times and was given the gameball, but he just couldn�t equal the scintillating back on the other side of the field. Owner Rob �Big Brother� Ouaou calls his back The Holy Priest, our Holmes, and for good reason. With his 27 point day, Holmes is now the top scoring played in Modano land. He scored all of the Brothers� Sunday TD�s and set them up for the upset win. Ouaou, who is reminded of Fritz the Cat, didn�t care for the play of Boston (8 pts) and any IR player I have on the bench, but he wasn�t unhappy with Anthony Dorsett�s season high 3 points. By the way, Ouaou once ate 2 orders of waffles, a steak dinner, and 1/2 apple pie, with an order of toast at a diner at 3am. How did he manage to eat that toast?!? The league�s worst OF kept up its less than mediocre play with 8 points. Meanwhile, the benched Todd Heap had 14 and Laverneus Coles had 10. The one thing the two owners could agree upon was that no movies should be remade. Johnson: �What�s the reasoning behind remakes anyway? Besides running out of ideas. If a movie was good enough to remake, that should be a reason not to remake it.� Ouaou: �No movie should ever be remade. All movies are indirectly remade anyway.� Despite their agreement, the game was still close coming into Monday with teammates and forming swapping buddies, Payton Manning and Edgerrin James left to go. The Brother held a 4 point leading going in and Manning�s 7 points were enough to trump James�s 9 for the Brother win. A jubilant Ouaou said, �We made some moves to start players that were actually playing this week and are very happy.� A saddened Johnson commented, �Damn. My luck gave Manning 3 INTs but my team could'nt step up without our leader.� He added, �I�m just wondering if the media will take the high road and not rejoice in the injures of players.� There�s no joy in Mudville when that idiot isn�t really hurt but cries about it anyway. Give us a head popping off and then you�ll see some positive media coverage.
San Francisco Cubists 107 Syracuse 44�s 61 It is with good reason that the upper management of the Cubists� organization does not want the true identity of the security guard, Fritz, revealed. Under Fritz�s leadership, the team has been scoring a perfect 10 � four rollicking losses and no sour defeats. Nevertheless, media speculation has been running rampant on who this Fritz really is. Ever the method actor, on being questioned of his true identity the slightly tipsy Fritz said, �I don't understand. I am just a humble security guard, thrust into prominence by the media's persecution of my employer.� Perhaps it was that Fritz had just downed a dozen Krispy Kremes and a 12-pack of Coors in one hour. Or perhaps it was his penchant for slurping martinis. Whatever the case (and if you ask Owner John Stoer, Fritz is a creation of the media to help rationalize not printing the many vitriolic and insightful comments from Owner Jason Moore. Oh, if only we were that creative, but it is just straight poop from the media), the change in leadership has done wonders for the Cubists. Fritz again was able to give the gameball to QB Arthur Brooks who scored four TD�s and 33 points. Fred Taylor continued to stay uninjured � only for the Cubists � and scored 19 points and starting WR Terrell Owens whipped out his � Sharpie for 10. Michael Bennett received Fritz�s scorn for his Tony Bennett impression � fly me to the moon and get that round-shaped score. Like father, like son � we guess. In fact, the Cubists OF had its worst day with only 6 points. Speaking of worst days for OF�s, the 44�s OF was historically bad. Because of Brandon Stokely�s fumblitis (-3), the 44�s received negative points from their OF for a season worst. Stoer - who once ate 37 chicken wings (the big ones, leg and thigh) while watching the Masters one year in college, Former Owner Josh Wilk almost had 50 � called them the league�s worst OF, but that actual honor goes to the Brothers. The gameball went to RB Garrison Hearst who scored two TD�s and caused Stoer, who doesn�t want to see Dude, Who Stole My Car?, to comment �welcome to the end zone buddy!� Star QB Donovan McNabb had two TD�s but was unable to capitalize for major points with only 10. LB Derrick �TD� Brooks also scored yet another TD and had 13. None of this made Stoer happy as he rambled, Bobby Knight-style, to the press corps afterwards, �Out of respect for Owner Moore- I have held a two-week media silence (the media's choice one week, mine the other)- but screw him and his Aaron Brooks loving ass. Ronde Barber can kiss my ass too. And I am convinced that Hector and Victor of ESPN are two ten year old kids who get the giggles every week when they intentionally [do bad things to] people who pay them any mind. Well I've had enough. Congrats to Jamo on whipping my ass once again. It must be quite a thrill.� Moore once again trotted Fritz out, �That Derrick Brooks is a monster. Special thanks to Steve Mariucci for declining a penalty to give Aaron Brooks his fourth TD.� Modano TV has scheduled a special �Investigative Reports� for next Wednesday when the true identity of Fritz will be unveiled.
County Coroners 80 Einar�s Luvable Losers 73 There are many little known facts that surround the Coroners franchise. For one, did you know that after their win over the Losers, they are now 4-3? Or, how about this one, with the 7 point win, the Coroners have now won 15 games by less than 10 points � more than any other franchise. Owner Chad Nuss Callahan, who believes Fritz is a famous german national cross country alpine mogul long jumper champion, can be proud of his team pulling out the win, even though his Raiders were not able to do the same. Nuss, who once ate a 42 ounce steak, relied on the accurate arm of QB Rich Gannon (game ball) who threw for three TD�s and 27 points. Like seems to happen every week, WR Jerry Rice nabbed one of the TD strikes and scored 11 points. The other Coroner TD came from Curtis Martin who seems to be ratcheting things up a notch and acme in with 12. By the way, Nuss thought that Caddy Shack 2 was junk � �the first is a classic, the second is garbage, i mean....what's the deal, an armenian buying a golf course and turning it into a mini-golf course...what idiots!� That about did it for the Coroners, who have the league�s worst production from the TE spot and were given another bagel by Chad Lewis. Meanwhile, it was another lost week for the Losers. Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen, whose team now is out to the worst start in Modano history, was too disheartened to even comment to the media. Although he was present at his post game conference, Olsen merely stared blankly in the direction of the media member who asked the question and mumbled to himself. The Einar has to be thrilled with the play of LaDainian Tomlinson. Tomlinson rang the bell twice and had his 5th all pro performance and 23 points. QB Tim Couch regained a bit of respectability with his 10 point game as he threw one TD to TE Marcus Pollard who also scored 10. Despite Couch�s play, the Losers still have by far the worst production from the QB slot. The problem for the Losers was their pitiful OF. RB Mike Alstott had one good game, but the problem with Alstott is that after one good game to arouse hopes, he has several crap games like he did in Week 7 with a fumble and no yardage for -3. Terri Glenn and Jumbotron Smith combined for three, leaving the entire flex with a naught. Einar can also take stock in the fact that his team, after being blown out three times in a row, has kept the game close for the past two weeks. On the other hand, the Losers are the worst team for close games with a record of 1-5 with their only close win coming in 2000 in a 83-82 victory over the Cubists. Nuss was not happy, despite the win, �[french fry] that. i'm in deep depression right now. can't handle losing PB, Kirby, the injury bug is killing us. i can't believe....�
Week 8 previews - It is an interesting week as a number of upper echelon teams meet to try to shake out who are pretenders and who are the contenders. For example, we have a pair of 4-3 arch-rivals playing at George Braque Stadium. Will the possible exposure of security guard �Fritz,� take some of the San Francisco Cubists� focus away? Will Owner Jason Moore re-assume his place as the leader of the Cubists? Only he knows the truth. The Cubists have had their way with the County Coroners in this series as they have won six of the seven matchups. �Fritz� said, �Given that the Chiefs defense can't even stop Shannon Sharpe, I'd say the Raiders and Coroners are going to light up the scoreboard. We will try to keep up.� Sounds like he is being given lines by someone� The Cubists return Corey Dillon and Lance �Corporal� Schulters to the lineup. Meanwhile, Owner Chad Callahan shakes things up by placing Jerry Rice in the starting WR slot, moving Tim Brown to OF and trying out Jerry Porter for his first start of the season. Callahan said, �Ah ha. It's Jason Moore, finally...revenge is near. Go figure Jamo is streaking up the standings, but you have to go through the County to keep tracking upward...CMart is going to take revenge.� Another good matchup has the Bull City Bears going to the homecoming game of the P-Miss Envy at Spurtability.com Fields. The eight games in the series have been split 4-4. Owner Randy Chambers has not been commenting on his team�s action and will not unveil his lineup until after presstime. Owner Perry Missner is much more media friendly. His lineup includes the return of Michael Vick, Eddie George, Antowain Smith and, maybe most importantly, Ray Lewis. Missner said, �Everyone is back in the line up with the exception of our shooting star, McMichael. Hopefully, Antowain and Eddie are rested up and Anthony can hold onto the ball this week. Meanwhile, Vick is back and should provide a spark. The Bears are tough, but perhaps we can eke out another win.� Owner John Stoer has given his matchup with Will Mitchell�s Peaks Island Wookies with a harangue, Ditka-style, about his team and his opponent: �If I'm going to get thumped week in and week out, I'm at least going to do it with a few players I like. Welcome home Bulluck and Darius!! My only goal this week is to shut down Deuce so I don't have to listen to Will blather on about him next week. �I'm so great for picking Deuce. Deuce is wonderful. I want to bare Deuce's kids.� Yeah, yeah, yeah.� Wow! The 44�s should be fired up. Along with Darius and Bulluck, Jeremy Shockey returns to his TE spot. Mitchell, whose team travels to Jim Brown Stadium and holds a 3-2 advantage in the series, had little to say in response: �Let�s go.� For the first time this season, the Wookies are affected by the bye. Ricky Williams is out, so the aforementioned Deuce is in the starting RB slot. The aforementioned defensive changes are in the person of Vanderbilt-grad Shelton Quarles. The Brentful Brents hope to end their losing streak at one and end the Veaselicious Cookies� winning streak at one as well at WonderBra fields. The Cookies, who are down in the series 2-4, will be without main offensive cog, Marshall Faulk, a fact that did not slip by Owner Steve Johnson, �Lucky again. Sit down Marshall!� But the Brents are not so lucky as to be with a full complement of players. Inbred moron QB Brent Farf will be nursing his owie on the bye along with Ahole �Put it on the� Green and Donald Driver. The Brents turned to mangled QB Jim Miller, Duce Staley and Andre Davis as replacements. Owner Dan Weitz commented, �Bring on any friggin Pecker lover I'm unstoppable! I hope Brent plays because Jamie Sharper's going to finish the job!!� Let�s hope Cookie players Sharper and Shannon Sharpe don�t consort with the enemy Packers too much. In the fifth game, we have something that could turn quite ironic. Einar and his Lovable Losers are without end all, be all RB Ladainian Tomlinson, who is on the bye, and they are facing Owner Rob Ouaou�s East Bay Brothers. Wouldn�t it be ironic if Einar didn�t change his lineup? In any case, Tomlinson�s shoes will not be filled easily, but the other two Losers on the bye � Ryan Longshanks and Terri Glenn � shouldn�t be much of a problem. Surprisingly, Ouaou has already changed his lineup by inserting Laverneus Coles, Todd Heap and Mike Vanderjagt. On top of this, the confident Ouaou said, �I will bet anyone in this league money or pride that we will win!�
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