San Francisco Cubists 112 Veaselicious Cookies 76 Just when the rest of the Modano league thought they could count the Owner Jason Moore and his San Francisco Cubists out, they bounce back from a 0-3 start with three straight wins – the third being the most impressive. However, Moore has been battling a negative media image and promoted Fritz, the security guard, from within to be the team’s new figurehead. Under Fritz the team has been undefeated, using a powerful running attack to bludgeon opponents. Fritz, who to some looked slightly familiar despite his long blond hair and bushy mustache, commented on his job with the Cubists, “The best thing is being a part of this great organization. That, and going out drinking with Kerry Collins. The worst part is the pressure to uphold the tradition.” Fritz, who thinks he may have the eye of the tiger, decided to give the gameball to Jamal Lewis who scored 2 TD’s and 20 points. He seems back from his surgery. His ACL buddy, Fred Taylor, had a rare off game with 3 points. The third head of this coming monster is Corey Dillon who scored 10 points of his own. The hander-offer was Aaron Brooks who scored 21 points of his own with one of his TD strikes going to the league #1 tight end Tony Gonzalez. Fritz commented that he would like to be able to fly, much like T-Gonz does. Even K John Carney had a fine day with 14 points. Fritz commented, “Hey, we finally made it over 100! That was pretty cool. And something else cool is that Tony Gonzalez is leading the NFL in receiving touchdowns.” Cool. Meanwhile, frustrations are reaching a boiling point for Owner Dan Weitz and his winless Veaselicious Cookies, who notched their league history leading 50th loss. While Weitz, who has a super power already and is using it right now [although we don’t think speed reading counts], could not decide who deserved damnation [“The frying shoeless lot of them”], he could have looked no further than uber-disappointment QB Tom Brady. Brady could not negotiate through Packer secondary members taken off the street and only scored 2 points. Brutal. Brady doesn’t have the eye of the tiger, but Weitz does: “Damn Right just ask the Einar how many of those 4th and mile plays I've made. I've made more then I have lost.” Consulting the Einar for praise for Weitz, eh? The Cookie passing game suffered because of Brady – Jimmy Smith had 3 and Shannon Sharpe had 1. Only Eric Moulds found the endzone for 9. The Cookie running game, however, had some success running on the Cubist D as both Marshall Faulk and Travis Henry had their best games in the Cookie lineup. Faulk broke out with 18 on one TD and Henry met the two pay dirt doctor twice for 19 points. Weitz commented, “That guy from “Crossing Over” is a fake.” After the game, media correspondent, Balki Bartakamouth, had emailed the head office with information on Fritz’s true identity. However, some cyberpunk intercepted the message and we may never know the complete Fritz story.
Peaks Island Wookies 101 Einar’s Lovable Losers 98 Coming off of their first loss of the season, it would have been easy for the Wookies to look across the field and take Einar’s Lovable Losers for granted. The Losers not only hadn’t won, but the closest they had come to a win was a 20-point loss. Nevetheless, Owner Will Mitchell (who does have the eye of the tiger, by the way) had his troops fired up to perform in front of the home crowd. Drew Bledsoe received yet another gameball (“It should be an auto-fill for Drew”) for his 20 point performance, but it was his leadership that has won the Wookies over. Clearly, Bledsoe has inspired Curtis “the Difference Maker” Conway to new heights, as Conway scored yet another TD and 9 points. Was Conway the difference? Yes, he was. Ricky Williams helped the double-back-Drew-attack by ending his recent downward trend with two TD’s and 17 points. The other back Deuce McAlister had 8 points but was unable to find the endzone. Another TD was scored by Joe Horn and some tight end also scored. Mitchell, who would like to be able time travel like Captain Jean Luc Picard, wasn’t overly please with his “sinking stinking patriots and my defensive linemen.” Mitchell gave a concise summary of the pros and cons of his job: he likes “being my own boss, I'm a hard ass.” The Patriots lost to a crappy Packer team and the D-linemen have been a disappointment all year long. With all of these TD’s coming from the Wookies, many could see the Einar and his troops just burying their head in shame and going home. At least, that’s what DB Darren Sharper did. Jeeze, at least show up for the game and score one point, would you? The Loser cause also wasn’t helped by K Ryan Longshanks who has missed more FG attempts than anyone else in the league. Despite these two Losers (in team and competence both), the Losers had a new leader – one with moxy and know-how, one who will do anything to help his team win. Yes, exiled Steve “There” McNair was in an unusual, uncomfortable uniform, but he still played like a champion. McNair directed the Losers to a season high in points and became the first Loser QB to score in double figures this year. Just for reference sake, every other team is averaging double figures from the QB position. McNair bamboozled the Wookie D with deft play action fakes and a TD strike to Marcus Pollard (9 points). He also faked the pass on draw plays with expert hand offs to LaDainian Tomlinson (16 – 4th all pro game) and Mike “One Week per Season” Alstott (21 points and the first non-Tomlinson all pro game). Even Jumbotron Smith scored 5 points. Maybe the best thing about McNair was that he totally ignored weeny WR Terri Glenn (1 point). On Monday night, Mitchell commented, “If I can stave off Isaiah Kacyvenski, who needs 12 points to tie me, i'll be back on track.” Kacyvenski, who also brought a new attitude to the team, scored 9.
Brentful Brents 87 Syracuse 44’s 53 Owner Steve Johnson has been waiting a long time for this – his Brents are among the league leaders and his team has been one of the luckiest crews on God’s green earth. Luck, be it as it may, was on the Brents side as they faced the Syracuse 44’s without their main man – QB Donovan McNabb. Owner John Stoer, who would only say his name to the press, then was called away on urgent business, tried out rookie QB Joey Harrington. Harrington did not disappoint with his own performance, but the magic of #5 seemed to be missing. Harrington scored 19 points on two TD tosses, but he was unable to set up his teammates for greater glory. The 44 offensive flex had a season worst 3 points, all coming from Qadry Ismail. WR Chris Chambers was knocked out of his game without scoring a point and WR Brandon Stokely, who we didn’t think went to Syracuse University, also did not play. Marvin Harrison did have 10 points, but that’s not unusual for him. The defense was bloody awful with a combined 10 points. TE Eric Johnson refused to play against his relative Steve and did not score. Maybe it’s time to sign up Mungro. To make matters worse, the team only received 14 points from the bench. Meanwhile, the Brents were going wild. QB Brent Farf and RB Ahole “Put it on the” Green hogged the ball as they combined for 5 TD’s and 44 points, which Johnson commented, “What a bad omen for Syracuse [the 44 points]. That’s got to hurt.” It was hard to watch as well. Johnson, who is not sure if he has the eye of the tiger, “but I had pink eye once,” only received one other TD – Peerless Price (14 pts.). Clinton Portis showed up and had 9 points. Donald Driver cooled down to the slow lane with 2 points and the Brent D (the league’s worst) was nowhere to be found with only 5 points – setting a league standard for stinkiness. Johnson commented, “Defense? Hello!” You know, if the recently engaged Johnson [congrats, by the way] could pick any super power in the world, he would want the ability “to be able to turn into a couch. That way I could blend into any surroundings.” That’s not asking for too much. TE Johnson and Hearst had a chance to get the 44’s closer on Monday night, but they were thwarted by K Jose Cortez and LB Marcus Bell. The Brents gained their third blowout of the season and their second in a row. For the 44’s it was their first blowout loss since Week 7 of 2001. Johnson summed up the victory by saying, “It pays me but is tediously dull.” Well, we didn’t think that any win was a dull one, but if it’s a close battle you want, perhaps you’ll get it next week.
Syracuse Bull City Bears 98 County Corners 59 Since twin embarrassing 30 point performances in Week 3, the Bears and Coroners have been giving teams whuppings. What would happen, then, when the two teams collided? Would they continue to administer beatings, but to each other? As it turned out only the Bears kept up the pace as they used their power to blowout the suddenly whimpering Coroners. Owner Randy Chambers, who is attending to family business, used the Power-I formation from the get go and the Coroner defenders had no answer for the big backs. Jerome “Undefeated” Bettis ran roughshod with two TD’s and 19 points – just like the old days. Shaun Alexander added 14 more points (1 TD) on Monday night and Stephen Davis also gained admittance to the endzone. The Bears were led by QB Daunte Culpepper who torched the Lion D for three scores and 26 points for his best day of the year. The team also received the first all pro kicker day from Jason Elam who hit 5 field goals, tacked on a PAT and scored 16 points. The Bear D followed a league-wide trend by scoring a paltry 9 points. For Owner Chad Nuss, who now calls himself Jesus Callahan, it was a disappointing week. Nuss sure the hell has the eye of the tiger: “I'm fired up, ready to go, where do you want me coach!” The team had come off double century marks and was flying high. Who knew they would be derailed by the previously winless Rams. Nuss, who would like the ability to “mind meld: Ability to read, change people's minds easily without going crazy...though,” was encouraged by the play of late week replacement Terry Kirby who scored 12 points. He was, on the other hand, let down by the rest of the Raiders who only scored one more TD (Rich Gannon – 8 pts). The rest of the Coroners were led by Jerry Rice and the non-Raiders were led by DB Deltha O’Neal’s 7. From the Coroner bench, QB Jeff Garcia scored more points than any other two Coroners combined (23). The Coroners were cursed with double-0’s from their Tampa players – Ricky Dudley and Keenan McCardell. Nuss had many things to say about his job: he likes – “1) It's my company 2) I tell others what to do 3) I get paid on other people's time, other peoples efforts 4) Don't have to go to an office if i don't want to, make my own schedule,” but he dislikes, “1) Take all the risk and burden of failure 2) Make a bad decision and live with it.” On the game, Nuss commented, “I knew this was going to happen. Raiders always do this. Play down to crappy teams, make them look like they should be in the super bowl again. Oh well. San Diego is the real test this weekend.”
P-Miss Envy 74 East Bay Brothers 44 I believe it was legendary coach Vince Lombardi who said, “It’s better to win even if the other team is only playing half a roster than to lose.” At least Lombardi is known for many inane quotes like the previous and it was put to the test in the Envy’s ugly win over the on the bye Brothers. Owner Rob Ouaou, who recently installed indoor plumbing to his cave, was unable to hook the electricity and get on AOL to change his lineup, leaving him with four players on the bye. With such an obvious advantage, it would seem that the Envy were in for a let down and perhaps their third straight loss. The team had been blindsided by the trade of Steve “Where?” McNair and were trying to come together. Owner Perry Missner, who has the eye of the tiger (“Isn’t it evident?”) also benched longtime Envy player Eddie George. George proceded to score 20 points. Fortunately, QB Trent Green equaled George’s output - on three TD’s no less. Missner, who would like “the ability to control time; I'd make the work day go by in 30 minutes and the rest last for 23 hours and 30 minutes,” went with a team with 8 new starters and only Amani Toomer remaining from the Week 1 lineup due to trades, byes and injuries. The team received TD’s from flex members Brian Finneran and Antwan Randel El, who helped the flex score 20 points. New starting RB Antowain Smith scored 5 points against a porous Packer D and Jerome Pathon scored 1. Pathon was later cut. Looking at the Brothers lineup, there were almost as many 0’s as players with scores. Of course, the 4 players on the bye had 0’s and they were supplemented by DB Anthony Dorsett. RB Priest Holmes led the team with his 4th all pro performance with 16 points. Michael Pittman had his best game with 9 and Matt Stover had 8. Brother bench players Peyton Manning (13), Mike Vanderjagt (16) and Ike Hilliard (11) had nice games that went to waste. In an unusual move, Missner gave his gameball to “Owner Rob Ouaou - he just wanted to level the playing field with all of my players [Thomas, Booker, Akers, Urlacher] on the bye.” Missner also said, “The best part about my job is that I get to work at my own pace and there is always work to do. The worst part is that I have to be in the office 37.5 hours per week.” Although sometimes he works on “outside projects” during that time. On the game, Missner commented, “Clearly, the Brothers were what we needed to get back on the winning track. Although it was our worst week by far, we got some timely contributions by Randel El and Finneran. Trent Green has earned a week off and the substitute defense wasn't humiliated. Ouaou needs an email service to remind him to check his team once a week.”
Week 7 previews - The primo matchup in Week 7 pits the 5-1 Peaks Island Wookies on the road against the similarly 5-1 Bull City Bears. The odd thing is that the Wookies have never beaten the Bears. In their five previous meetings, Owner Randy Chambers’ team has always won. However, this is the first week that Owner Will Mitchell will be able to employ the difference maker – WR Curtis Conway. He is also trying rookie DL Julius Peppers out for the first time. Meanwhile, the Bears go with TE David Sloan and Marvin Jones is back off the bye to replace Takeo Spikes. Owner Will Mitchell said, “one week at a time is what we've truly learned to focus on.” In the land of Syracuse, this week is known as Jamo week. Owner John Stoer renews his rather one-sided rivalry with Owner Jason Moore as the 44’s try to beat the Cubists for the first time since 1998. If Balki Bartakamouth can be found, we may learn the identity of the so-called “Fritz.” Fritz had this to say about the 44’s, “Oh man, those guys are good, and Donovan is probably done barfing by now. We just hope we can string a few W's together and keep on keepin' on.” Surprise, surprise as Stoer may be going with QB Joey Harrington for the second weekend in a row as McNabb faces the staunch Tampa Bay Buccaneer defense. We, in the media, believe this to be a mistake as McNabb has led the 44’s to countless wins and Joey is going against the beloved Bear defense that is coming off of a bye. The 44’s are also going with TE Michael Ricks (to be covered by Urlacher) and DB Ronde Barber – a former Cubists – who will be trying to pick off Donovan. Seems like a bit of double jeopardy. The third 5-1 team, the Brentful Brents, hit the road to the Black Hole to take on the 11-strong East Bay Brothers. Thinking wishfully, Owner Steve Johnson said, “I hope East Bay keeps at his level off attentiveness.” However, Owner Rob Ouaou has found the light switch and changed his lineup. Former Brent, Peyton Manning, has been licking his chops, salivating at a chance to show his former team what he can do. Manning is back in the lineup along with underutilized TE Roland Williams. Back to the bench for you, Todd Heap. Meanwhile, the Brents, who hold a 3-2 series advantage, will try DB Tony “One Tough Nut” Parrish in the d-flex and return K Morten Andersen. In what is always a bitter grudge match, Oshkosh North High School alum Perry Missner and Dan Weitz face off. The hometown Envy hold a 4-3 advantage in the series, but the games are always fiercely battled. The Envy are going with yet another new QB in old school Egyptian Ramses (Patrick) II. The Envy also welcome back their beloved Bears with Anthony Thomas, Marty Booker, Brian Urlacher, Rosevelt Colvin and newly acquired Dez White in the lineup. Missner said, “It's never easy against the Cookies. They know how to just bring it, but we will be relying on the rookie arm of Patrick Ramsey - perhaps the only QB that the owner has seen live and welcome back all of our Bears plus K David Akers. We will be concentrating on slowing down Faulk and trying not to let Amber's threats get us off course. Hopefully, Dan will be looking past us to his matchup with the Einar.” Meanwhile, a simmering Weitz said, “Emmitts going in this week I see Paytons record falling this week against the Envy. Maybe the stupid corssing over guy can channel paytons spirit if all the jeri-curl juice wasnt getting in the way.” Speaking ill of St. Walter will get you nowhere. Lo and behold, creaky Emmitt is in the lineup along with XFL MVP QB Tommy Maddox. The Cookies also bring back Eagles James Thrash and Brian Dawkins. Last and maybe least, the Coroners play host to the Einar’s Luvable Losers. The Losers, who hold a 3-1 advantage in the series, are coming off their best performance of the season but without QB Steve “Square” McNair who is on the bye. Yet, he is still in the lineup at press time. Owner Jesus Nuss said, “I predict a W for the Coroners, with all guns firing again, and Garner back in the line up we should fare well against the san diego...super...chuckers.” Yes, Garner is back, but more importantly, so is DB Mike Brown.
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