Brentful Brents 121 Peaks Island Wookies 79 I believe it was Star Trek: The Next Generation that coined the phrase, �All good things must come to an end,� in their last episode, and so it was with the Wookies early season winning streak. Owner Will Mitchell can already compare 2002 to 2001 and deem the new season a success as the Wookies have already won more games this year than last, but that first loss is always a tough thing to take. And, for a while, it looked like the Wookies may just have a chance to win. Drew Bledsoe�s all pro performances are becoming the norm rather than the exception as the man with the golden arm came up with his 4th all pro game and 17 points. Yet, it was a shade under the kind of performance the Wookie fans had come to expect. Another performer than has suddenly slowed down is RB Ricky Williams, who has scored fewer points each week. Yes, he started out on fire, but his 4 point game against the Brents did not augur much potential. Fortunately, the Wookies rushing attack was supplemented by Deuce McAlister, who is looking more and more like a brilliant pick all the time. McAlister ran for two TD�s and scored 21 points. Curtis �the Difference Maker� Conway also scored yet another TD and scored 10 points, but Patriot/Wookies fell on their face. Troy Brown did not play and Adam Vinatieri scored uno. Meanwhile, the worst defense in the league only scored 14 points and gave up many TD�s to the Brents. Owner Steve Johnson, who likes Eugene � the forgotten Beatle who played the mellotron on Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, had to be pleased by his team�s bouncing back from their first loss. The flex was in effect as all three members scored in one way or another. RB Edgerrin James staked his claim on the starting RB slot with 10 points and Peerless Price was sure Peerless in taking away the Bledsoe advantage by snagging a Drew toss for a TD and gaining 14 points. Even Duce Staley saw his brother Deuce score and made a 2 point conversion good enough to bump himself up to 9. Despite the numerous Brent TD�s, the Brents took only a one point night going into Monday. With a horrendous performance by QB Brent Farf (and let�s not forget those 6 interceptions the inbred moron threw in the last St. Louis Rams win), the Wookies could remain on top. Tragically, it wasn�t meant to be as Farf whooped up on the woeful Bear secondary and launched three first half TD�s to put the victory to bed and some to nightmares. Farf�s fourth all pro game featured 29 points and was praised ad nauseum by Al Michaels and John Madden, when they weren�t too busy talking about a lot of non-football related crap to interest �Joe Fan.� Maybe they should put Daryl Johnston on Monday Night � at least he talks about the game. In reference to what he finds annoying in football, Johnson said, �Has to be the wishbone (college), cuz once you see someone run it, you know thats all your going to see.�
Bull City Bears 101 Einar�s Luvable Losers 44 Ever since their Week 3 debacle, the Bull City Bears have been playing with a purpose � with a mission � with renewed pride, etc. While Owner Randy Chambers is at a loss to explain his team�s performance, it is clear that it has much to do with Jerome �the Bus� Bettis. Against the Losers, Bettis scored his first TD and led the Bear OF to a well rounded 40 points, almost defeating the league�s worst team by their threesome. QB Mark Brunell did a remarkable backup job with 15 points in what could be his only action of the season and Brunell seemed to inspire RB Stephen Davis who had his second all pro game (18 points) despite playing with a sprained knee. Yet the gameball surely went to WR David Patten who came out of nowhere (otherwise known as New England) to score a couple of touches and 18 points. Patten and Brunell more than made up for the Bears� keepers who were out on the bye. The three all pro performances for the Bears doubled the season total in what was the Bears� 20th franchise blowout � tying the Cubists for the most in league history. Despite only scoring 18 points, the Bears� D is holding teams to an average of 70.2 ppg, which has definitely helped their 4-1 record along. For Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen, it was business as usual. He was not helped by the fact that he played WR Derrick Mason, who, though a fine player, dislocated his shoulder in Week 4 and may be out until November. Yet Mason did not score any less than three other starting Losers � Antowain Smith, Ernie Conwell and Mike Alstott. The Einar, who doesn�t really like any of the Beatles although he liked Ringo Starr in Caveman, only received two TD�s from his Loser squad � QB Tim Couch threw one (7 pts.) and Plaxico Burress (9 pts.) caught one. In fact, through five weeks, the Losers have only scored 12 TD�s all together. By the way, the Einar finds this annoying: �When you play the WEASEL in any football video game and he refuses to punt. It can be fourth and 99 and he still goes for it. Then he wonders why he can't beat me.� The team was led by K Ryan Longshanks who made just two of five field goal attempts but managed to score 10 points. At least one Loser was in double figures. The team did get 35 points from the bench as the Einar missed out girly WR Terri Glenn�s 10. This was the third blow out loss for the Losers who are losing by an average 36.4 ppg. Einar commented, �My team sucks.�
County Coroners 128 P-Miss Envy 86 Suddenly, the hottest team in the league is the County Coroners. Much like the Bears, the Coroners had an egregiously bad Week 3, but have bounced back with a bursting life force. For the second straight week, the Coroners used their Raiders to blitz their opponent and did not look back. Also for the second straight week, the P-Miss Envy were victimized by the Buffalo Bills who bottled up Anthony Thomas in Week 4, but couldn�t have stopped a wet fart in Week 5. Rich Gannon again led the Coroner crew with four TD�s and 36 points. His two week total of 72 points is unparalleled in the annals of Modano lore. This week he was able to hand off with equal aplomb as RB Charlie Garner ran for a score, received for another and scored 23 points. Boom � as John Madden would say � 59 points. But the Raider love was not done yet � Jerry Rice scored a TD and 11 points and Philip Buchanon ran back at interception for his second straight all pro performance (18 pts.). The Envy have now given up a defensive TD in three of five weeks. Even Curtis Martin, who has been playing more like a soused Dean Martin, shook off his early season hangover to score 16 points. The one thing that Owners Chad Callahan Nuss and Perry Missner could agree upon was the fact that John was the best Beatle because of his being the �leader of the pack, trippy, psycho, song writer, member of the Raider Nation� and �he has a way with sarcastic idealism. Balanced Paul's hopefulness well,� respectively. The Envy keep on putting up respectable scores but the last two weeks respectable hasn�t been enough. The team was led by QB Trent Green who became the third different Envy starter to notch an all pro game. LB Ray Lewis scored 12 points before knocking himself out with a bum shoulder and other Envy TD�s came from WR Amani Toomer and TE Randy McMichael. Missner, who prefers the ground game, was disgusted by his runners. By the way, Missner find this situation annoying, �It's fourth down and instead of going for it, the QB just barks trying to draw the defense offsides. Sure, it works against brainless teams like the Packers, but in general, I hate it.� Thomas and George combined for a meek 4 points and Missner had the quick hook with RB Lamar Smith. Despite his three all pro games in a row, Missner saw the wall at the end of Smith�s tunnel and cut the back after his -2 performance. Missner commented, overall, �I feel sick. Not so much with the Coroners thrashing of the Envy. That will happen. But the Bears - oh, the Bears. They had plenty of opportunities, alas. The Envy have hit a bit of dry spell. It was only a matter of time before George and Jumbotron crapped out. Unfortunately, I didn't get to trade them in time. Anyone interested? Congrats to the Coroners who would have mashed anyone these past two weeks. How long can the geriatric club keep it up? My apologies to the Wookies, since the Bears lousy play cost them their undefeated streak.� Nuss countered with an extended rant on Sunday night about � what else? � the Raiders, �Who's streaking? what? The Coroners...hmmm... Who's winning every game? what? The Raiders...hmmm... Who's our coach? who? Jesus Callahan, our savior! This one's over...best of luck on Monday night...you can use about 68 points tonight...that's gonna be tough...go MIKE BROWN!� Nuss added, �oh, so you're going to start this one again, and get me all riled up! I'm not going there, that snowy day in NE. Can you [finally] believe that bull [plop]....pump fake...drop my arm down, my arm comes up and Charles Woodson hits my arm and I drop the ball. My offense leaves the field, including myself, totally bummed, but wait, wait, I got a gift that took me into the super bowl to play the now 0-5 (soon to be 0-6) Ramsies. Who am I? I'm Tom Brady, and I'll be in Oakland on Sunday Night at 6:00pm on ESPN, and you'll see my leg get broken, and my career becomes history, because the Raider Nation is so [flaming] [not at all happy] that I couldn�t possibly get out of Oakland alive that week.�
Syracuse 44�s 98 Veaselicious Cookies 63 This game was billed as a blood bath as the ever barbarous 44 D was looking to take some knees out or at least induce some back spasms. Owner John Stoer�s midweek verbal taunts were enough to make opposing Owner Dan Weitz leave the targeted Emmitt Smith safe on the bench. With Emmitt�s 11 points safely tucked away, the Cookies could concentrate on losing their 5th straight game. By the way, the 0-5 start for both the Cookies and Losers ties the worst start in league history with the Cookies 1999 start. This is the third five game losing streak in Cookie history and they had a six game losing streak in 1998. The Cookies, surprisingly, lead the league in receiving yards, but have not been able to tally many TD�s of late. Weitz, who prefers South african killer beetle, gave the ball to his young daughter, Cassie �who broke her elbow and showed more toughness then the entire Volunteer team.� Not saying much. QB Tom Brady used his second start to get two TD�s and 11 points, but he was outpointed by benched Brian Griese who scored 19. Griese also hooked up with benched Ed McCafferty who had 13 points. Speaking of QB play, what really annoys Weitz is �Brent Farve's "I'm a retard" fake throw after he hands the ball off. I know that trickyness works on Pecker defenders in practice but come on.� You�re preaching to the choir there, brother. RB Travis Henry had the other Cookie TD and scored 12. K Phil Dawson, remembering that Stoer�s younger brother�s name is Phil (of the once famous Duke Haters), refused to score more than one point. Weitz, like his buddy the Einar, was not helped by playing an injured player � in the Cookie�s case � LB Jamie Winborn. The hole in the defense was once again exploited as Donovan McNabb licked his chops at all of the open receivers. McNabb, once again, had an outstanding game with 31 points for his 4th all pro game on three TD�s. McNabb hit Marvin Harrison (15 pts. � 2nd all pro game) for one of his scores and another went to former-Cookie Chris Chambers (10 pts.). The last 44 TD came from Derrick �Touchdown� Brooks who had his second all pro game and 16 points. The 44�s not boast the league�s longest current winning streak � 3 games. Weitz said, �I'm now giving control of my team to my unborn child who will communicate with my through that guy from Crossing Over.�
San Francisco Cubists 99 East Bay Brothers 91 The ongoing war between Cubists� Owner Jason Moore and the media escalated in what Moore described �too much disrespect for one man to shoulder� in an email captured off the Cubists� server by media-friendly member in San Francisco. Moore encouraged fellow Sidwell friends Owners Randy Chambers and John Stoer not to open their locker room doors to the media in a boycott until the media acknowledges Moore�s three championships and mere greatness. While Chambers and Stoer have been stung by the media in the past, they begrudgingly went along with boycott for Week 5, so no quotes were taken. Fritz, the Cubist figurehead for the time being said, �Mr. Moore told me that until media apologizes for their Week 3 door hitting backside comment as well as subsequent derogatory comments, he will continue to lead his sometimes peaceful demonstrations. He also told me that the apology had to be heartfelt.� Fritz then leaned in and whispered, �Off the record, I would just apologize if I were you. Mr. Moore can be a hardheaded SOB when he wants to. Like not allowing people dressed in opponent�s colors into the stadium.� The media would now like to take this opportunity to say that we never apologize and everything is on the record! Meanwhile, there was a high scoring game taking place between the league�s winningest and losingest teams. Owner Rob Ouaou�s, [the real Slim Shady] who prefer�s John on acid, welcomed back QB Peyton Manning by leaving him and his 22 points on the bench. Serendipitously, it turned out to be the right decision as his replacement Jay �is for Jewish� Fielder went meshuginah on the field with 3 TD�s and 25 points. RB Priest Holmes also was a chuzur for TD�s by scoring 2 and getting 27 points. Ouaou doesn�t like �the instant replay. It takes up cheerleader space.� How true. Plus, it is very boring. Both teams� kickers, the Brothers� Matt Stover and the Cubists� John Carney, equaled the K season high with 14 points. The Brothers were not helped by their awful OF who for the second straight week scored 5 points (all by Michael Pittman). The Cubists� OF, on the other hand, was enormous. Corey Dillon led the squad with his first all pro game of 23. He was supplemented by late replacement Rod Gardner�s 11 and Jamal Lewis�s 10. The final Cubist TD came from QB Aaron Brooks who scored 12 points. Fritz said, �We are proud to get this win and by my reckoning we are only two games out of first place. Go Cubists!� Ouaou said, �I can't believe the SF Giants pulled it off! We will win again.�
Week 6 previews - Week 6 features a number of interesting matchups, but a bit of trade news head the top of our list. An era has come to an end as the P-Miss Envy have pulled the plug on Steve �Pear� McNair and sent him to the lower rungs of the Inferno � also known as the Losers. In exchange, the Envy are getting overrated runner Antowain Smith and underrated LB Keith Brooking. Envy Owner Perry Missner said, �I looked around the league and saw that the two Packer fans are both named Steve. We have not won a championship in our five years in this league and I figured yet another Steve might be the reason that is holding us back. We had some great years with Pear, but it is time to move on and win.� The post-McNair era begins for the Envy as they conclude their road trip in East Bay � not so far from their Week 5 locale, the County. With many Envy members on the bye, the team is going with almost an entirely new look. The QB spot has not been decided, but new receivers include Brian Finneran, Jerome Pathon and Antwan Randel El. Keith Bulluck will be roaming on the defensive side. The Brothers, who are down in the series 5-1, have not changed their lineup, which includes four players on the bye. Missner said before the big trade was culminated, �The Brothers have had fantastic production from the QB and RB slots, so we are going to concentrate our defensive efforts on those two positions. It will be hard without Urlacher and Ray is a bit dinged up, so we are counting on the young guys - Kacyvenski [since traded) and Bullock to get the points. Hopefully, our Bears will rest well and be back in Week 7 ready to score some damn points.� Ouaou said, �The Brothers are rolling...� True, their rolling something. The Brents are coming off a huge win against the Wookies play up in Syracuse against the 44�s. The big news is that the 44�s will try to make due without their stud QB Donovan McNabb who is on the bye. Owner John Stoer has pulled one out of his hat with QB Joey Harrington who has shown some fire in his two games this year. Stoer, whose love for rookies is only trumped by his love for rookie QB�s [see Leaf, Ryan]. Stoer will also try out new WR Brandon Stokely. The blood bath crew defense will be aiming for Brent QB Brent Farf. Owner Steve Johnson has brought back TE Byron Chamberlain from the scrap heap to provide some extra protection for Farf. Johnson was also said to be considering leaving James or Green in for max protect � at least Green wouldn�t be able to fumble that way. The Brents are also going with a new kicker Jose Cortez. The series history is tied three apiece. The co-leading Bears take on the hottest team in the league � the County Coroners at the PepBo. The most important thing to know is that the Raiders become the greatest show on turf as they head to St. Louis to whip up on the damaged Rams. Owner Chad Callahan Nuss is going with WR Keenan McCardell and DB Adam Archuleta going against his Raiders � how odd. The Bears have not changed their lineup yet, so Mosses � Randy and Santana � along with Culpepper and Shaun Alexander still sit on the bench. Marvin Jones, on the bye, is still in. The Bears lead the series history 6-2. In the mismatch of the week the Wookies stay at home to play Einar�s Luvable Losers. Will this be yet another blow out or are the Wookies starting to run out of steam? The Losers, who maintain a 3-1 advantage in the series, have put Warren Sapp in the lineup but continue to play dislocated Derrick Mason. The Wookies have not changed their lineup yet. Finally, media enemies, the San Francisco Cubists hope to level their record at .500 with a win over the winless Veaselicious Cookies. To no one�s surprise, Owner Dan Weitz said, �Is this the week I play the Einar?� Neither team has changed their lineup yet. The hometown Cubists hold a 6-2 advantage in the series.
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