Peaks Island Wookies 102 P-Miss Envy 88 This battle of previously unbeaten teams featured an intense rivalry that could best be described as black and Drew. For all of their talk about blitzing QB Drew Bledsoe into la-la-land, the P-Miss did not get enough pressure on the Wookie QB to stop an aerial assault that not only defeated the Envy but also the beloved Bears. Bledsoe picked on the weak Chicago secondary with his outstanding receiving crew to set the tone of the game. Drew had his third all pro game with 4 scores and 34 points. Needless to say, he was given the game ball by Owner Will Mitchell. Bledsoe was complemented with a strong supporting cast. Although Ricky Williams had his worst point total of the year, he was good enough to add 11 points and his running buddy Deuce McAlister added another 14. Mitchell has dubbed his offense “the Drew-Double-Back-Attack. Drew, Ricky and Deuce are kicking it old school while my receiving corps gives me trouble in not knowing who to start.” He laid this out to a James Brown beat. If there is a weakness to the Wookies, it may be their WR selection. Once again, Curtis Conway was on the bench while he scored 10 points – 2 more than Darrell Jackson and Joe Horn combined. Mitchell’s WR decision making reminds some of President George W. Bush’s statement: “"The problem with the French is, they don't have a word for Entrepreneur." The Wookie D also has not been a strength although evil Joey Porter managed to get into double digits with 10. The Wookies have now tied their franchise’s longest winning streak and have become the second team in 2002 to score 100+ points in three games in a row. Again, no team has ever scored 100+ in four games in a row. For the Envy, it was a quiet 88 point game. Jumbotron Smith scored his weekly two TD’s and had his third all-pro performance in a row. Jumbotron was given the game ball by Owner Perry Missner. Amazingly, rumor has him on the trading block, so get in line if you want a piece of the Jumbotron. The Titanic Envy members also scored meaningless TD’s against the Raiders as McNair and George combined for 20 points. The biggest disappointment came from the A-train who only scored 3 points on a supposedly soft Bill defense. C’mon A-train, let’s get a move on! Brian Urlacher scored in double digits yet again with 10 points and Ray Lewis narrowed the final margin by having his first all-pro game of 2002 with 15 on Monday night. Overshadowing all of the Envy players was QB Trent Green who exploded for 43 points on 5 TD’s and no interceptions from the bench. In a phrase that Missner hates, and is quoted often by ESPN’s Jason Stark, Green scored as many points as someone you may have heard of, someone by the name of, oh, Joe Montana. Thanks for suspense, Jason. Yes, I have heard of Babe Ruth. Missner, whose last NFL experience was actually at Foxboro in 1992 to see the then winless Pats and Seahawks play in what became the Drew vs. Mirer Bowl, said, “The Wookies are a juggernaut so there is little shame in losing to them. Had anyone known that Trent Green was going to score a year's worth of points in one week against the Dolphins, they would have more fantasy genius than me. The first loss is always a tough one to swallow - and it makes it tougher than Drew went nuts on my Bears' D. And even worse that the Packers won even though they got outplayed by the Panthers. The Envy will be back!” Mitchell, who also went to Foxboro last year to see the Pats rip apart the NO Saints, [Joe Horn and Willie Jackson were slapping asses in the endzone and taunting the drunken fans instead of focusing on the game.] said, “Four and OH, baby! Did you see that trick play - getting my TE [who will remain nameless] to toss a TD pass since none of them can catch one? Evil Steeler Porter provided a good boost to the struggling Wookie D but we still want more - especially from Strahan and the NE Dbacks. And how many points is that for Bledsoe through 4 games?? Wow.”
San Francisco Cubists 98 Einar’s Luvable Losers 78 Controversy detonated in the Cubist camp as Owner Jason Moore, apparently upset that the media did not give him more sympathy with his team’s lousy start and threats to retire, decided a media boycott was the thing to do. Moore holed himself up in his luxury suite at Georges Braque Stade and sent his friendly security guard, Fritz, to do his bidding. Fritz was prepared with a statement, “Mr. Moore gave me a message for you: ‘Screw you, Mr. media man. If you insist on disrespecting us, you'll do it without quotes from me.’” And with that Moore was gone as if in a dream with Fritz as the team’s figurehead. In an unprecedented move, the media’s headwriter, Balki Bartakamouth, made his own responding statement: “I am so sick of these whiny, coddled owners expecting the media just to fall over them for their past successes. We, in the media, go by three simple rules: 1. The Chicago Bears are wonderful. 2. The Green Bay Packers only win by cheating and putting frightening inbred hillbillies and head achy transsexuals on the field. 3. No sympathy for losers.” We guess the ball is in your court, Fritz. On the field, the Cubists were able to notch their first win in this battle of previously winless teams. The win was the franchise’s 50th, making the Cubists the first team to get to the half century mark. TE Tony Gonzalez, who bonded quickly with Coach Fritz, went bonzo gonzo by becoming the first tight end in league history to score 3 TD’s and set a TE record with 27 points. Gonzalez had held the previous record of 18, which he had notched three times. Fritz ably gave Gonzalez the game ball. QB Aaron Brooks kept up his steady early season play with his second All Pro game of 16 and Fred Taylor showed that when he is healthy he will produce with 21 points on just one TD. Fritz apparently doesn’t get along that well with Joey Galloway, Thomas Jones, Corey Dillon and John Carney – who totaled 3 points combined. The Cubists also showed their depth by having four bench players in double digits. What can be said about Owner Steve “the Einar” Olsen and his winless team? Perhaps that they played more like the Einar’s relatives, the Olsen twins, than a rough and tumble football team. Yes, put the Losers on the Christian network and no one would be offended. Led by chief Jesus freak, Kurt Warner, the team sank to new lows. Warner scored a league worst -3 and broke his pinky and will be out for at least two months. Backup QB Tim Couch did little better with a -2 and the Losers had 0 bench points. The source of hope for the team is LaDainian Tomlinson who was given the game ball by Owner Einar, had his third all pro game and scored a personal high 27 points. This is the first 4 game losing streak in Loser franchise history and the team is losing by an average of 31.25 points.
Bull City Bears 103 Veaselicious Cookies 67 When your down and troubled, and you need a helping hand, there is nothing like seeing the Cookies on your schedule next. Not only did the Bull City Bears need to do something to rebound off of a ruinous 32 point dribbling, but they also needed to get back on the winning track. A quick check of the starting lineups gave Owner Randy Chambers hope. Cookies’ Owner Dan Weitz had forgotten to put a third defenseman in his lineup, so even the rather poor Bear running attack could explain it. But, wait, let’s let Weitz give his side of the story, as pointed he blame elsewhere: “Sandbox sucks!!!! I switched my guys right before the peak usage deadline and it showed I had Hugh Douglas in then I get on this weekend and he’s not in. Sand Box YOU [FOOLISHLY] SUCK!!!” Douglas scored 5 points – from the Cookie bench. Meanwhile, this hole in the defense gave the Bears an area to exploit – and exploit Shaun Alexander did. Alexander rolled to 5 first half TD’s and over 150 yards of rushing in setting a Modano record of 45 incredible points. Alexander’s output breaks the single player record (39 by Peyton Manning in 2001 for the Brents) and the running back record (37 by Michael Anderson for the Envy in 2000). The performance was so astonishing that both owners gave their game ball to Alexander. On the strength of Alexander, the Bears also set the 2002 standard for offensive flex with 62 points (the Bears also hold the OF record with 73 in 2001). The record performance overshadowed other problems that the Bear keepers are having. QB Daunte Culpepper and WR Randy Moss are having trouble connecting. It seems that Culpepper is a bit of rock’n’roll and Moss is a little rock crack and blow. The two combined for 16 points and were benched for Week 5 (on the bye). Chambers, who correctly said that anything that is said by Troy Aikman in the booth is particularly not funny, noted that the Bus is not filled with whatever fuels him as he only scored 1 point. Chambers, who last went to a Skins game early in the Norv era, hethinks, is forgetting that his team is 3-0 with Bettis in the lineup and 0-1 without him. He clearly blocks like a mo-fo. Speaking of mo-fo’s, Weitz was filled with shame by his entire team, with the possible exception of Jamie Sharper who scored 15 from the defensive side. QB Brian Griese led the offense with 13 and James Thrash had the only other TD for 11. The Cookies did receive some fine performances from the bench, but we suppose that is Sandbox’s fault as well. Tom Brady had 17 and Stacy Mack came out of nowhere to score 22 – on three short TD’s. The only thing that Weitz could think of to say was, “This one time, at band camp…” upon which he burst into a fit of giggling. Chambers, who has principle ownership in the Bull City Bears alone, said, “I stayed up Sunday night just long enough to see the Moss-man drop a Culpepper TD, but trusted in Shaun, the other Sunday night star.”
County Coroners 143 Brentful Brents 81 For the first three weeks of the season, two things held constant: the Bears scored poorly and won and Owner Chad Callahan Nuss had no comment on his team. Both trends changed in Week 4 as the Brents scored pretty well and lost and Owner Nuss bust onto the scene as his team bust out the whooping stick. Owner Steve Johnson had made some tongue in cheek remarks about Raiders’ fans which Nuss and his Raiderous squad did not appreciate. It was as if Johnson had mentioned that Al Davis is not good for the Raiders as the Coroners fired on all cylinders for their craggy patriarch. QB Rich Gannon led the touchdown-fest with 4 TD’s passes to three different Coroner receivers. Gannon ended up with 36 points and his receivers – Garner, Brown and Rice – combined for another 40. Nuss gave the game ball to rookie DB Philip Buchanon who was all over the field in scoring 20 points – tying Brian Urlacher’s 2002 defensive player high score. Buchanon scored on a punt return, had an interception and 7 tackles. K Sebastian Janakowski also had 10 points. Even the non-Raiders played well with TD’s coming from Keenan McCardell and DB Mike Brown. What a great pickup Brown was. The only player who didn’t play well was Wesley “Yo Mama” Wells – he scored zilch. The 62 point margin was the greatest Coroner blowout in franchise history, eclipsing the 42 white washing they put on the Envy in 1998. The 143-point outburst was easily the season high and a Coroner franchise high. In fact, it is the second highest total in the annals of Modano history with only the historic 151 Cubist score in 2000 besting it. Whereas Gannon was brilliant in leading his offense, Brent QB Brent Farf was hideous in leading his team. The hillbilly moron only scored 9 points and was generally off. Somehow Dick Driver scored 18 points, but we don’t want to get into it. He was given the game ball by Johnson. Johnson, who has three fantasy football teams – the Brents, Wisconsin Winning Ways, and Ricky, Team of One [we like that last one] – did not appreciate the play of Ahole “Put it on the” Green , who scored 4. Johnson said, “come on, you have to work getting a few more TDs there, pal.” Green, the inveterate wife beater, apparently is no one’s “pal.” The team was helped along by Duce Staley’s surprising 16 points from the flex and Clinton Portis had 5 in his debut. Johnson, who believes all comments are not funny, said, “I guess the Raiders got enough rest then.” To which Nuss responded, “Who is the #1 football team in the country? Easy Answer. Raiders, total domination, it's like we're playing pop warner teams... Are you kidding me....? did i just hear someone say the Chargers are for real....go [flick] yourselves!” Best team in early October? Well, that’s not saying much.
Syracuse 44’s 72 East Bay Brothers 71 Just when it appeared that Owner Rob Ouaou had gone back to his unibomber type lifestyle, he popped up before Week 4 to change his lineup. It was a good thing since he had several players on the bye and to play football guys on the bye, other than Todd Heap, would be very embarrassing. The change in lineup took 44’s Owner John Stoer a bit off kilter who figured he would be playing Peyton Manning as Manning sat next to Deion Sanders on the CBS set. Has anyone noticed how annoying Sanders is? Not only is he not particularly informative, but he is also nasty. Over on Fox, we have the idiot-laugh-a-thon, but Sanders on CBS makes me leave the TV off until gametime. Bring back Iron Mike! Stoer quickly adjusted and sent his ferocious linebackers on a blitzkrieg aimed at QB Jay “is for Jewish” Fiedler. Fiedler performed several mitzvahs (TD’s) and scored 11 points in maybe his only game of the year. He was not able to handoff to Priest Holmes with the same flair as fellow P-man, Peyton. Priest only scored one TD, but had a nice 13 points. Those two players were the Brother highlights from Sunday as Ouaou, who calls himself the real Slim Shady, waited for his Monday night boys. Meanwhile, the 44’s used a similar offensive attack as their only TD’s came from the starting QB and RB. The surprises were that QB Donovan McNabb (14 pts) only scored one TD in the drubbing of the Texans and the starting RB was Jamel White, who came off the Envy scrapheap, scored 14 on his own TD. Looks like someone may have made a mistake in cutting White. While Antonio Freekman’s 0 points could not have made Stoer too happy, he was more disappointed by Kevin Johnson’s 2 points from the starting WR slot. That spot will be manned by Marvin Harrison from now on. Stoer was particularly pleased by his defense, which scored 24. Rookie Cowboy DB Roy Williams got the game ball for his 9 points and breaking Kurt Warner’s pinky. Ouaou, who doesn’t care for the now passé phrase, “Is that your final answer?” was able to attend the game to see firsthand his Ravens mount their comeback attempt. Down by 28 points, Ouaou was able to root first hand for Todd Heap and Matt Stover as he went down to Ravens’ Stadium. “Stover and the rest of the stupid Ravens” were given the game ball by Ouaou, but came up just short. Todd Heap put a scare into the 44’s with two TD’s and 17 points and Stover had himself a 10 point game. Just one point short – ugh. A clearly distraught Ouaou said, “It was a heart breaker.” A clearly relieved Stoer, whose team remained undefeated against the Brothers (5-0), said, “The genius of Rob [?] became apparent on Monday night. I was very fortunate to survive the Heap onslaught.”
Week 5 previews - All eyes look to the top of the standings as the unbeaten Wookies take on the freshly once beaten Brents at Glory Days Memorial Field. The Wookies lead the series history 3-2 and will once again try to get WR Curtis ‘the difference maker’ Conway in the lineup. Don’t chicken out, Will! The Wookies will also debut DL Gregg Ellis who has been a monster in the early season and we all know that Owner Will Mitchell likes his DL’s. Owner Steve Johnson will counter with new player Peerless Price to try and take away some of the Bledsoe advantage. RB Edgerrin James also returns to the Brent lineup. The supremely confident Mitchell said, “Line 'em up, we'll keep knocking 'em down.” Just like candlepin bowling. The less confident Johnson gulped, “He beat the Envy? My god, we have a monster on our hands!” The second place Envy try to get back on track against the suddenly fearsome Coroners at Alameda Coroner County Stadium. The Envy are currently on a road trip that crisscrosses the country several times. Last week, upper Maine, this week Oakland. The only new started in Week 5 for the Envy will be sack master Rosevelt Colvin replacing on the bye Isiah Kacyvenski. The Coroners, who have never scored more than 73 points after scoring 100 or more, look like they are going with the same lineup that produced 143 points in Week 4. Owner Perry Missner looked over the matchups and concluded, “I guess if there is ever a good week to play the Coroners, it is after they have scored 100+ points. Hopefully the Bills will D up and do me a favor - after laying me low.” Owner Chad Callahan Nuss also looked at the Bills D, “Buffalo has no defense, so you're going down Perry, don't get confident on me, don't think this is a walk off, easy game, the County is on a terror, anytime we play a high scoring team like the Bills, you've got to worry.” It has been 3 years since Ottergate, but the media never forgets. A loss to Owner Rob Ouaou’s team by the Cubists would certainly augur a new champion in 2002. Security guard Fritz summed up his thoughts on the battle succinctly, “Uh... I hope we win!” The Cubists welcome back Terrell Owens from his Week 4 bye and Jamal Lewis from his Week 3 and 4 byes. Ouaou cried “Welcome back Peyton!” which means that he will change his lineup before heading home to his shack. So far, that hasn’t happened and on the bye Chad Brown is still out there. The Cubists have won the last five times the teams have met. Finally, the last two games feature Sidwell Friends against winless Riponites. The 44’s are on the warpath as they remember 2001’s Cookie sweep at the hands of the intricate Amber-designed defenses. Owner John Stoer is also mad at himself for wasting a 4th round draft pick on elderly Emmitt Smith. Stoer noticed a trend, “Derrick Brooks hurt Faulk's neck two weeks ago and Super Rookie Roy Williams knocked out Kurt Warner last week, this week our sights are set on Emmitt. If we have our way, Sweetness' record will stand for all-time. It's a Body Bag game.” Now that’s the kind of talk we likes to hear. To aid the 44 cause, WR Marvin Harrison will be back. Monomaniacal Owner Dan Weitz repeated, “Is this the week I play the Einar?” Oh, how great it would be if both the Cookies and Losers are winless when they play. It would really make the match mean something special. The Cookies, who have split the series history 4-4 with the 44’s, are going with QB Tom Brady and RB Travis Henry. Weitz is also trying some new defensive players in Brian Dawkins and Jamie Winborn. Meanwhile, the Bull City Bears Bears stay at home at the PepBo to play Einar’s Luvable Losers. The Losers have the keeper advantage in that LaDainian Tomlinson is the only keeper involved in the game. All of the Bear keepers, including record breaker Shaun Alexander, are out on the bye. Owner Randy Chambers will go with QB Mark Brunell and WR David Patten as replacements, but is focused on one player, “Where is the real Bus?!” Lost in 1995, perhaps. Without a better option, the Einar is going with QB Tim Couch for broker Warner. The team also welcomes back LB Keith Brooking. The Losers lead the series 2-1.
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