Peaks Island Wookies 110 Veaselicious Cookies 100 In what came as a surprise to Fox’s market analysts, Wookies Owner Will Mitchell denounced the show “Marry a Millionaire” – calling it “the worst 120 minutes I have ever had to sit through.” Mitchell continued his harangue about Fox as he said “their news sucks too.” But, these were the only small bits of negativity an exhaustive locker room interview could pull out of Mitchell as he said he was as happy as Pats fan to be undefeated coming out of a tough battle against the high scoring, never winning, home town Veaselicious Cookies at WonderBra Fields. The synergy between Mitchell and his long time favorite QB Drew Bledsoe has been sizzling in this early season. Mitchell and Bledsoe had their problems in 2001, but out of the crevice grew a rose. Bledsoe was given the game ball for his 21 point, 2-TD performance. Bledsoe was as fast a cheetah (minus creativity points) to mention his supporting cast. The TD-list almost included the entire offense. Ricky Williams – in his third straight all pro performance – and Troy Brown led with 17 points, but TD’s were also scored by Rod Smith and somehow TE Booger Frankfurter. The awful TE should be cut, nevertheless. Only Darrell Jackson (3 pts) and the league worst defense (14 pts total) did not perform as well as expected. For Owner Dan Weitz’s Cookies, it was another big point total wasted. They were led by another Mitchell favorite, young QB Tom Brady (given the gameball) who was a one-man wrecking crew against the Chiefs. He threw for 4 TD’s and 400+ yards in a 34 point outburst. For the second time this season, the all members of the Cookie OF scored a TD as the group totaled 29 points. Marshall Faulk (who runs as fast as Einar on his wedding night – ba-dum-bum) had a chance on Monday night to win the game for the Cookies, but he fell 10 points short of the 17 he needed. Worse, Faulk, the league’s 2-time MVP, fell on his head and may have stretched some neck ligaments. There goes the Cookie franchise. The Cookies, despite a winless record, lead the league in TD’s with 20. However, in their franchise’s history, the Cookies are only 2-2 when scoring 100+ points. Weitz, who produces children when he can’t sleep, commented on the situation, “Did I piss off the fantasy gods? Probably my best team I've had in this league and now I cant win no matter how many points I score.” Mitchell, who claims watching last year’s Super Bowl on video helps him sleep, seemed as pleased as a clamdigger in his postgame press conference: “The Wookies brought out the swim-n-gun benching top draft pick mccallister and going all wide receiver. Intimidated by the bears d, we also benched Joe Horn (9 pts) and that was the one mistake - playing Jackson over Horn, but overall this was our best coaching maneuver to date as the bears shut down the deuce as expected. Graham finally got coates-esque, but needs more development to crack the starting lineup - I predict week 7. We knew this was going to be a battle - watching Brady tear it up was painful yet sweet - but Drew played well enough against a stingy Denver team to lead the wooks to victory once more. He gets another game ball.”
P-Miss Envy 118 San Francisco Cubists 79 What was once a fierce rivalry has turned into a rather one-sided affair as the Envy continued their winning ways against the formerly dominant hometown Cubists. The Envy had won four times in a row against the Cubists and had never been 3-0 before but the little team that could is now sailing into unchartered waters. The Envy had the distinction of leading the league in both rushing and receiving yards, but they aren’t shy about scoring TD’s as well. Owner Perry Missner was as happy as a plateful of cookies with continued surprising play of Lamar “Jumbotron” Smith. Jumbotron, taken off the scrap heap, has rebounded from an off year in 2001 to put up back to back 20 or more points all pro performances. Smith led the team with 22 points, but not far behind was game ball earner Mike Vick who scored 20 points as fast a shadow. Two more TD’s came from Eddie George and Marty Booker, while David Akers kept up his fine play with 14 points. Jay Riemersma once again did not earn his pay with 2 points, although he was said to have kept the team very loose. Throughout Sunday, the Cubists looked to be in the battle, until it was noticed later that Owner Jason Moore had taken out QB Aaron Brooks, who was facing the mighty Bears D and replaced him with Bud-sucker Kerry Collins. Collins had 9 points in his first start, while Brooks scored 4 TD’s on his lonesome and had 32 points. Oops. Moore was said to be both as happy and as angry as drunken redneck about his QB decision. The lone offensive Cubist TD came from WR Terrell Owens who had 10. The Cubist D earned a gameball by notching a season record 39 points, led by Donnie Edwards 15 with a TD. The 38 point loss was not only the 4th blowout defeat in franchise history, but also the worst blowout in franchise history. Moore commented that watching the game was like watching a Who’s the Boss marathon on TNN and sent him to calculating prime numbers until the wee hours of the night. Meanwhile, Missner still can’t quite believe his team’s luck. It is the first time in franchise history that they have scored 100+ points three games in a row and the first time they are 3-0. No team has ever scored 100+ in four straight games. Missner, whose teams have gone through hot streaks before, is nevertheless wary. He commented, “This was a huge win for this franchise. We had solid performances up and down the lineup, and it appears that Jamo was afraid of the Bears D by benching Aaron Brooks - it seems that my feared linebackers make coaches sit their top QB's. I hope that continues. Best of luck to the Cubists for the rest of the season. The Envy bugaboo continues...” Moore countered, “I'm embarrassed. I've let the team down by not giving it my full attention this year, and they're letting me know it on the field. This game isn't fun anymore... I should have retired.” Don’t let the door hit you in the ass.
Brentful Brents 77 Bull City Bears 32 To say that this game was not the “new classic” that many of the media members expected would be a spectacular understatement. These two previous undefeated teams put on a showing that left many to conclude that it was still preseason. The Bears almost did not show up at all. Owner Randy Chambers refused to give a game ball and named himself as the person who disappointed him most. It was easy to see why as the team scored a franchise low 32 points (the previous low was a 1998 Week 2 44-90 loss to the Envy). QB Daunte Culpepper was the only Bear to score a TD but he coupled that with 4 interceptions and 2 points. To make matters worse, he and Bear WR Randy Moss had a verbal tiff along the sideline because Moss didn’t jump high enough for Culpepper’s overthrown tosses. Chambers commented that the game was as bad as watching anything on the WB produced by Wager – you know what I am talking about Hearts Afire, Charmed, etc. Whatever else he has produced could be little better. The Bears were led by Takeo Spikes who scored 9 points – or twice as many as anyone else. Ugh. Let me repeat: Ugh. It wasn’t any better from the Bear bench as the team only scored 12 bench points. The Brents continue to use phenomenal luck in attaining their undefeated status. Despite the three wins, they are the 7th highest scoring team and only would have beaten two other teams this week. Plus, they have only allowed 54.3 ppg – how fortunate. Could they ride this wave of luck to a Wilk-like championship? Inbred moron QB Brent Farf commented, “I could have tied the Bears all by me self.” Maybe we should add dyslexic to Farf’s known ailments as his 23 points would not have beaten the Bears. Owner Steve Johnson was as happy as Richard Simmons to give the gameball to Farf. The Brents also enjoyed TD’s from Donald Driver, Warrick Dunn and Donte Stallworth (jerk). Johnson, however, was as angry as a sober Packer (is there such a thing?) with K Jeff Wilkins 2 point output. Johnson shouted, “You were supposed to be this sure, point scoring, thing! Who’s on the Wire?” Nevertheless, Johnson was as pleased as Mike Martz delusion with his team as he commented, “I’m still getting damn lucky. Maybe some day I’ll actually score a lot of points.” Chambers was as angry as a shark, saying, “We stunk. Without the Bus, we never even arrived at the game. I turned on the Panthers game to see Daunte throw his second pick, went to the grocery store, and returned to see his hail Mary picked for #4.” In order to get some shut eye after the game, Chambers turned on the WB and instantly fell into a deep sleep – although he was sometimes woke by the shouts of “Don’t go there, girlfriend!” and “This party is off the hook!” In late breaking news, the Brents have made the media happy by signing up wacky crapper, Najeh Davenport. Steve Johnson – as they would say on the WB – you da man!
Syracuse 44’s 105 Einar’s Luvable Losers 74 In the first year of Modano Mi Hermano recaps, you may recall that the 44’s were known as the One Man Gang – Steve Young threw and ran for bushels of TD’s as the 44’s won or loss depending on his play. Fast forward five years and we see a similar trend appearing. It is no longer Young who is as crappy as any of those other yokels on ESPN’s Sunday morning idiot-a-thon. No, the present One Man Gang is QB Donovan McNabb. McNabb had his best as a 44 against the mildly hated Cowboys with 4 TD’s and 37 points – a season high for all players. After each of McNabb’s TD’s the Jim Brown Coliseum would have REM's "Orange Crush" on the PA, and beers go on sale for 44 cents until kickoff. Owner John Stoer was as happy as a McNabb throwback pass to Brominski with McNabb’s play. One of the TD tosses went to old friend Qadry Ismail who scored 8 points. There were no other 44 TD’s but McNabb’s play and leadership were enough to beat Einar’s Luvable Losers (who have gone back to Lo since the Lu was a spectacular failure). Jeremiah Trotter has not looked like the stud LB he was in 2001 as he only scored 3 points. Stoer commented that perhaps Trotter misses Ray and Brian, but he’s not wanted in P-Miss country. While Stoer had called for fellow Owner Steve “the Einar” Olsen to play QB Tim Couch as he had in Week 1, no one of us could have known that Couch would outscore starting QB Kurt Warner by 27 points, but more about that in a minute. The Einar gave the gameball to RB Ladainian Tomlinson who had his second All Pro game in three weeks with 2 TD’s and 19 points. Terri Glenn scored 3 points and managed to get 4 boo-boos. Annakin Smith also had a nice game with 14 points and the game was 80-74 (advantage 44’s) going into Monday night. With Warner going, a 6 point deficit did not look too large. Howeverm, this was 2002’s version of Warner – not 1999 and Warner failed to deliver the goods. He threw for no TD’s and to make matters worse he threw an interception to 44 LB Derrick Brooks who returned for a TD. Brooks, who’s new nickname is TD, scored 17 points and was augmented by fiery Martin Gramatica’s 8. Warner’s -1 was balanced out by Ernie Conwell’s 1 point. The Einar was as mad as a White Sox fan (eh?) that his team is now enduring its first three game losing streak. He said, “Can I transfer points from my other sandbox team?” We have checked the rulebook and the answer is no, you cannot. Stoer, meanwhile was as pleased as a Raider fan with an open can of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a big f-ing knife (which happens to describe fellow Owner Chad Nuss to a tee), and said, “It's nice to get that first win under your belt. Donovan was a rock, as usual, and we are starting to come together a little bit. A lot of ball still to be played though.”
East Bay Brothers 98 County Coroners 34 While in 2001, the week that Owner Chad Nuss Callahan hates was quite kind to him, delivering a win without Raiders, in 2002 his Coroners met their match in a fellow Raider fan Owner Rob Ouaou. To make matters fair, Ouaou decided to go into those familiar woods of his and not change his lineup. Therefore, Ouaou left on the bye TE Todd Heap in the lineup. In the end, Heap’s 0 didn’t really matter as backup TE Roland Williams was also on the bye, so as far as we know Ouoau left Heap in the lineup intentionally. The other Brothers knew they had to rally with all important TE not in the game. Leave it to the P-men, Priest and Peyton, to do the majority of the damage. Like they had done in Week 1, the P-men went TD crazy. QB Peyton scored 21 points on two TD’s and RB Priest said “you gotta rise up-pah” and scored 28 points on 3 TD’s. Preist now has an amazing 7 TD’s in 3 games. Who said this guy could only play against the Bengals? The Brother backup QB’s also played well with Jake Plummer’s 16 and Jay Fielder’s 12. The Brothers lead the league in sacks with 4. K Mike Vanderjagt and LB Chad Brown also scored 11 points apiece to help the Brothers to the greatest blowout win in franchise history. The team has only had 3 blowout wins. What makes it even more amazing is that the Brothers are coming off a 52 point loss. That’s a 114 point swing! The bare-boned Coroners were able to put an entire lineup on the field but it was still ugly. Real ugly. The team was led by Deion Branch’s 10 points – with 8 of those points coming on return yards. QB Jeff Garcia may never see the field again as he scored 0 and Keenan McCardell was even worse with -1. RB Curtis Martin has been a huge disappointment with only 6 points this entire season – half of them coming in Week 3. The 62 point loss tied the worst loss in Coroner franchise history (with a 1999, Week 7 38-102 loss to the Brents). The 34 points were the second lowest total in franchise history as well. The Coroner bench was of no help as well as a majority of the players were on the bye and the other players only scored 3 points. While neither owner could be reached for comment, our guess was that Owner Nuss was as angry as a 90 year old Red Sox fan, while Owner Ouaou was as pleased as a Playboy intern. It should come as a surprise to no one that Owner Nuss put his Raiders back in the lineup as fast as Fed phone tap.
Week 4 previews - For the first time in league history, a pair of 3-0 teams will meet in Week 3. Both the Peaks Island Wookies and P-Miss Envy have rolled out to big point totals in crushing the opposition, so it will be interesting to see who can continue their undefeated march. The hometown Wookies lead the series history 3-1, but have not changed their lineup yet. It probably wouldn’t be a mistake to go with a team that just got you 110 points. The Envy, however, have made some slight adjustments to the team that just scored 118 points. LB Ray Lewis is back and the Envy are also trying out a new TE, Randy McMichael of the Dolphins. Envy Owner Perry Missner said, “I keep expecting the first loss, and I am pretty sure it will happen this week. The Wookies are stacked, so we will rely on the veteran leadership of Steve "Pear" McNair (Vick on bye). I am sure Drew will be out there as well. We are going to blitz him until he sees linebackers in his sleep.” Owner Will Mitchell went to a familiar allusion to describe his feelings about Week 4, “Looks like two 3-0 teams coming head-on at full steam. This one is going to be a train wreck.” Choo-choo. Another history event takes place at the bottom of the standings with the former top teams San Francisco Cubists and Einar’s Luvable Losers face off in Loserville, USA in a first time battle of 0-3’s. The Einar had no comment on the series, which is tied 2-2. He has also not changed his lineup as of going to printing so bye-players J.J. Stokes, Keith Brooking and Jay Feely are all still in the lineup. Owner Jason Moore has reinserted Fred Taylor after the bye, but fellow injury waiting to happen Jamal Lewis is still on the bench. Moore is introducing the league to RB Thomas Jones. Moore commented, “I don't even know who we're playing. But I guarantee that we will score more than one touchdown.” You heard it, folks, a guarantee. The luckiest team in the league, the hometown Brentful Brents, are not lucky enough to face a Raider-less County Coroner team, but they feel fortunate to have beaten the Coroners 4 times out of 5. The Coroners welcome back all of their Raiders, but Owner Chad Callahan was sufficiently impressed by DB Mike Brown to keep him in the lineup. Good move! Owner Steve Johnson is introducing RB Clinton Portis to the league, but that is a major mistake since that slot should be taken by the one and only Najeh Davenport. Early week reports, however, state that Davenport is having some plumbing trouble, if you know what I mean, and may not be suitable for public appearance on Sunday. The Brents are also playing former Happy Days star and horrible director Ron Howard in the defensive flex. Good luck, Opie! Johnson said this to his fellow owner, “Raiders? That is soooo 2001!” Right. Owner John Stoer sincerely hopes that Brothers Owner Rob Ouaou stays in the cave that has enveloped him so that he will leave QB Peyton Manning in his lineup. What, you cry, why would someone want a player as good as Manning to be in the lineup. Well, silly, he – like 44 WR Marvin Harrison – is on the bye and Ouaou has been known for forgetting about his lineup. Stoer will probably not be so lucky. The 44’s could use all the help they can get since they are starting a rather patchwork lineup as well and they traveling to the Black Hole. Fantasy luminaries such as Jamel White, Ron Dayne and Antonio Freekman are coming out of the woodwork to start for Syracuse. Owner Stoer commented, “I'm worried that the East Bay party scene will corrupt my players. I've heard rumors that Rob wouldn't even let Michael Irvin into his one of his weekly parties because Irvin "parties like a girl." If we can stay focused and avoid distractions, we should be OK.” One thing in the 44’s favor is that they have never lost to the Brothers – 4-0. The final game of the week pits the hometown Bull City Bears, playing at the PepBo, against the Veaselicious Cookies. The Bears have won an outstanding 7 out of 8 times in the series. Owner Randy Chambers has pointed to the loss of Jerome Bettis for the Week 3 debacle. Chambers said, “With the Bus back, we're hopeful the team will show up.” Bettis will get downfield blocking from WR Hieny Wartz. The winless Cookies return QB Brian Griese to the lineup. Griese did have 19 points from the Cookies bench and may perform well under the Monday night lights. Emmitt Smith also makes his 2002 Cookies debut, but we doubt that he will get over 50 yards once again. The single-minded Weitz said, “Is this the week I play the einar? I suppose everyone is asking that same thing. Cassie suggested I play Emmitt this week and I think she might be on to something since the Rams suck. Amber mentioned that Emmitt should also go in because isnt this the week he passes that girl that use to have the rushing record.” Stricken from the record!
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