Bull City Bears 89 San Francisco Cubists 83 In what has become a bit of a trend in past seasons, the Bears get hyped up for their early season matchup with the Cubists, Daunte Culpepper goes nuts and the Bears leave satisfied. Perhaps too satisfied as they have never beaten the Cubists in the second matchup. Culpepper came out zinging with three scores (as Owner Randy Chambers, who loves the Cocoa Krispies, cleverly calls TD’s) and 25 points with one of those “scores” going to fellow Bear Randy Moss (13 pts.). The only other Bear score was dialed in by TE Frank Wycheck (7 pts) who kept pace with the league’s #1 TE Tony Gonzalez who scored for the second straight week. Gonzalez got the gameball from Owner Jason Moore. Last year, when Gonzalez or another Cubist would score at Georges Braque Stade, the team featured earsplitting techno music, with rave whistles, lights, and a giant holographic projection of Commissioner Tugwell doing the cabbage patch while hovering over the fifty yard line. The fans scream and cabbage patch right back. Even as late as Week 2, the team was still working on this year’s plan. Moore, who claims that Quaker 100% Natural is his favorite cereal, has paid the officials to raise their hands in celebration of all TD’s – Cubists or their opponents. The Bear defense has been playing well early in the season and were given a collective gameball from Chambers for their 22 point effort. One could look at the failures of the Cubists defensive flex, as Moore did, to pinpoint where the team went wrong. The young Cubist defenders were only able to get 13 points (less than either Ray Lewis or Brian Urlacher). The positives came from scores from Aaron Brooks (twice), Terrell Owens and Fred Taylor. Other than Culpepper, the Bears really weren’t that outstanding – just a general steady effort from the same lineup in week 1 that produced the same 89 points. Jerome Bettis was unable to get on track against the Raiders and only scored 2 points – he will sit in Week 3 (on the bye). Chambers, whose team is 2-0 for the third time in Modano history, waxed poetical-like on the win: “This win reminded me of the Redskins Monday night win over the Giants back in 1987 (or was it 1991?). Anyways, the Skins had been bridegroom to the Giants in the NFC East for a number of years. Joe Gibbs spent the whole first half of the season setting the team up to beat the Giants in week 9. The Skins were in first place, but a loss to the Giants would mean they were still only second best. Anyway, to make a long story short [or a short story long], we HAD TO BEAT JAMO! My hats off to the defense, who led the way. The curse of Rhonde is lifted.” Chambers then added his opinion of pants being optional, “Only for girls. 'Nuf said.” Moore, whose team is 0-2 for the first time since his only non-championship year of 1999, rebutted, “Pants should be optional. Freedom of individual choice.” To illustrate his point, Moore depantsed himself and continued to comment on the game, “Daunte killed us. We're moving the ball on offense, but we need to put it in the endzone more, and the defense has to step up.”
P-Miss Envy 103 Syracuse 44’s 101 The opening of Internet giant’s Spurtability.com Fields involved the usual ceremonies that people have come to expect when going to a new stadium: a 10-minute version of America the Beautiful followed by a 20-minute version of the National Anthem. The ceremonies actually started at 6AM just to get all of the songs in. But, once the ribbons were cut, the spurts spurted and the speeches given, the game was on, and it was a doozy! Both teams came out firing. The stadium PA system was busy with its own unique sound. It's hard to describe the sound of a spurt, although everyone knows the kind of farty sound that it is. Pppbbbttt, perhaps. Every TD, FG and first down, came the spurt sound. The Envy received an early TD from Steve “Pear” McNair before he bashed his head on the sideline bench, giving himself a slight concussion. The A-train, Anthony Thomas, also scored and added 11 points. Not bad, considering he really hasn’t started rolling yet. But the big Envy points were a surprise and a non-surprise. LB Brian Urlacher was all over the place collecting 20 points, a season defensive player high. He was supplemented with LB Ray Lewis’s 14 – creating a high defensive performance. The surprise was RB Lamar Smith. Owner Perry Missner knew that the 44’s had a weakness for Panther running backs. It held true as Smith, described as the worst starting running back in the league by Owner John Stoer, went Jumbotron twice for another 20 points. The 44’s were not without their own players going Jumbotron as Marvelous Marvin Harrison and Kevin Johnson each felt the orange for scores and Jeremy Shockey scored his first Modano TD. The 44’s also received on TD on the other side of the ball, as Dexter Coakley, fridged the line for a score and 14 points. Stoer, who like Missner prefers the crunchy goodness of the elvin loaflike Grape Nuts, had divided allegiances on Monday night as his team’s hopes relied on QB Donovan McNabb who was going against his favorite team, the Redskins, to overcome the 26 point deficit. Midway through the second quarter, Stoer (who says this about the pants dilemma: “If people want to start walking around without their pants, I'm going to be the first guy there saying, ‘Right On!’ I'll be wearing pants of course, but I support the right not to wear pants. That is what makes this country the greatest in world! U-S-A!!!”) gave up on the Skins and started rooting for McNabb whole-heartedly. McNabb did not disappoint with three appearances on the Jumbotron and 29 points. Unfortunately, every time the Eagles scored a TD, it was one point for the Envy and when Donovan stalled, it was three points for Envy K David Akers. Former-Envy defensive member only contributed 6 points, paling in comparison to his keeper brethren. While the 44’s overcame the deficit, with 36 points on Monday, Akers and reprobate fumbler Champ Bailey more than offset the 44 total with 14 points. Missner said early Tuesday morning, “With all of the TD's the 44's scored on Sunday and with Donovan McNabb, I didn't think the lead was safe. Donovan is a frustrating player to root against, so I went to bed fairly early on Monday not knowing if I would win or lose. Fortunately, David Akers came though with some crucial FG's. I told Coach Stoer that his team gave us all we could handle and we feel fortunate for the victory.” Missner then continued, “Pants should be completely optional, especially if they chafe like mine often do. It depends on an individual's choice, so Sunday's at my house are pants-free day! C'mon over!” A bemused Stoer gave the media horde a look that said, “this guy is cuckoo” then commented, “It's clear to me that Perry has been studying the wisdom of ex-Bear legend George Halas. I believe it was Halas, the father of modern football, who had the foresight way back in the pre-Pat Summerall days to opine, "There are two keys to success in this great game. 1) A strong, unyielding defense. 2) Having a Carolina Panther running back. Those two elements guarantee victory." Perry has both elements, therefore, he was victorious. When is DeShaun Foster coming back?”
Peaks Island Wookies 109 East Bay Brothers 57 When Peter Wu used to play tennis (and he still might for all I know), every now and then he would hit an incredible looping forehand with topspin that would land perfectly on the line. Knowing the vagaries of tennis (and his own somewhat limited skills), he would merely shrug and say, “it comes and it goes.” Feelings similar to these must be surrounding the Brother camp and Owner Rob Ouaou, as in Week 1 they poured in over 100 points, but in Week 2 the faucet was shut off. The Brothers were also facing superior competition in the resurgent Wookies and their new stadium, the Casco Bay Bubble. While Owner Will Mitchell, who likes good, old fashioned Shredded Wheat, made some dubious substitutions, the bench players did not turn out to be the difference in this huge blowout win. The Wookie D, unable to score points of their own (11 total), kept the Brothers out of the endzone. After scoring 8 TD’s and 73 points in Week 1, the Brother keepers cooled off for just 16 points, led by Priest Holmes 7. Only Chad Brown bested Holmes with 11 (equaling the Wookie D total). Todd Heap scored 1 point. Mitchell gave the gameball to “DREWWWWWWWWW” who scored 3 Goooooooooooooooooooools and lit the airwaves with 33 points, a season high for QB’s. The Saint and former Saint rushing attack was also in full effect as Ricky and Deuce combined for three Goooooooooooooooooooools and 39 points. Mitchell lost out on two more TD’s when he took the difference maker, Curtis Conway (19 points), out and replaced him with Joe Horn. In some ways, the move made a lot of sense with Horn going against the porous Packer D, but Conway has become known as the difference maker for a reason – he makes the difference. To no one’s surprise, awful TE Booger Frankfurter scored 0. What’s he still doing on a non-Loser/Brent roster? Christian Fauria has to be better! John Madden said, “Adam Vinatieri (14 pts.) continues to kick the heck out of the ball. Heck, if I needed a kicker to get me some points, I could do a heckuva a lot worse than Vinatieri.” Madden is becoming as bad with his hecks as Dick Vitale is with his babies. Mitchell, whose team is 2-0 for the first time since their inaugural season in 1999, took the podium and became quite the chatterbox: “Now we're talkin' - not going to get too pumped up this early but I liked our performance this week. We got back on track and posted a 100 pt game for the first time in a while. [Week 8 of 2000 -135 pts.] 2-0. Bledsoe is obviously back, and our running game is ferocious so far. We're having a hard time picking which WR to play, and the indecision hurt us this week. All the guys will get their starts - we're going matchups and TEAM first approach. The defense has been stinking it up. We've brought in a hated PIT LB [Joey Porter] just to stir it up a bit. Vinatieri is rock solid. Again the TE position hurt us badly and we're going to be making some moves to upgrade there. One game at a time. And really, can anyone believe the World Champion Patriots were 2 point dogs to the JETS!?!?! What have they been smoking in Vegas?” I believe it’s called wacky tobacky.
County Coroners 67 Veaselicious Cookies 66 Apparently, Owner Dan Weitz has put so much focus on playing his arch-nemesis the Einar that he only looks at the Cookies score and comparies it to the Lusers each week. By those standards, the Cookies are 2-0, but, sadly, the Cookies have not faced the Lusers yet, so they find themselves 0-2. The loss to the Raider-led Coroners had to hurt some. The Cookies did out-TD the Coroners 5-2, but it was in all of the other areas of the game where they failed. Owner Chad Nuss Callahan is apparently boycotting the press until they show a little more Raider love and has not commented in either week. His team had to wait until Sunday night before starting to play. RB Curtis Martin (1 pt.) did play during the day but has been a major disappointment for Callahan. Meanwhile, two-time MVP Marshall Faulk had two TD’s and so did Brian "iIm the offspring of Farf’s cousins" Griese. Apparently, Griese was not able to get out of Weitz’s doghouse. Weitz (who says this about the pants issue: “I had always believed in no-pants but with a 3rd kid on the way I think pants should always be worn, always.”) by-passed both of his double-TD men to give the game ball to Jimmy Smith who said, “What? I'm back here AGAIN!!!” upon entering the endzone and scoring 11 points. Maybe Smith will take over for starting WR Ed McCafferty who went a bit too easy and scored an abysmal -2 points. Commenting on his starting receiver, Weitz said, “Easy Ed's neck is too long thats why we lost, plain and simple.” Despite trailing by a significant margin going into Sunday night’s game, the Coroners had the bulk of their roster going and were not worried. Nuss-Callahan became even less worried when he learned that the Raiders’ talk of not throwing the ball consistently against the suddenly liquid Pittsburgh D was unfounded. Rich Gannon threw early and often, while Charlie Garner had another good game as both Raider/Coroners had 13 points and a TD. K Sebastian Janakowski also had an awesome game with 12 points as the Raiders squashed the Steelers. Coach Callahan, is that enough Raider love for you? C’mon now, write in. The game was not decided until Monday as the Coroners held a one point lead with Chad Lewis left to play. If Lewis could just hold onto the ball the Coroners would have their first win since a Week 10 2001 tie triumph against the Bears. And he did. Joy erupted in the County and a ticker tape parade was planned. The parade was later cancelled due to lack of tape. The Cookies fell to 0-2 for the first time since 1999, when they started 0-5. All Weitz could say in his post game press conference was “Brownies.”
Brentsful Brents 73 Einar’s Luvable Lusers 53 If every there was a week in which Einar’s Enron Field was in all of its green and puke yellow glory, it was in Week 2 with a couple of Packer backers as coaches in attendance. The early season had been kind to Owner Steve “Mr.” Johnson as his team had not been hitting on all cylinders but wins were available. On the other hand, former glory for the Lusers had been out of reach as points have been scarce. Nevertheless, there was enough Packer love to make most onlookers go blind. Two disgusting Green Bay (Armpit of America) players were on each side. However, none of them looked all that good. Brent Farf was given the game ball by Johnson since he rallied his team to two meaningless TD’s against the powerful Saints. Farf has somehow been over 15 points in both weeks this season. However, the inbred one did throw another critical interception. Ahole “Put in on the” Green lived up to his name for the second straight week and compounded insult with injury by getting himself hurt. Will the James-Green backfield ever be whole? Speaking of James, he had a nice game with 14 points in the flex. Surely that’s enough for him to get his starter’s position back. On the other side, Terri Glenn also fumbled and hurt himself numerous times because the sport is football and not weenie roast. Mrs. Glenn should soon realize that perhaps she is not in the right sport because the knocks are going to keep coming. Owner Steve “the Einar” Olsen, who likes Life cereal, thought he could rely on QB Kurt Warner to get back to his days of brilliance, but Warner only scored 8 points on one TD. A low light came from Plaxico Burress, who was supposed to be something this season, who fumbled and didn’t gain any points on yards: -3, ugh. Einar refused to give out a game ball and said that his whole team was in the crapper. Johnson was happy that both TE Anthony Brecht and Warrick Dunn took the short bus to score school and combined for 15 points. The barbarous defense had to have Johnson concerned though as it only scored 10 points. Johnson said this: “I thought pants were optional. At least that’s what I thought after an Oakland game. Have you seen those fans? What clothes throwing, ‘roid chugging freaks! Closer to home, I know tops are optional, as any 30 below Packer home game will attest.” His comments were sure to make the Brent-Coroner matchup a bit more interesting. On his second straight win and second straight 2-0 start, Johnson said, “Man, am I a lucky basturd! If I had played just about anyone else, I would have had my arse handed to me. The stars must be with me. And with DETROIT NEXT. Ohhhh Yaaaa! Looks like a good start for Sparty!” Someone had tee many martoonis.
Week 2 previews - The Bears and Brents take center stage in Week 2 as they bring their gaudy 2-0 records to Glory Days Memorial Fields in what could be an instant classic, if there is such a thing. Although the Bears only lead the series history 3-2, the Brents have not won since 1999. The Brents introduce the league to a new RB-WR combo, both in the form of Peckers – Ronald Mealey and Donald Driver. Ron’n’Don – perhaps they are inbred twins. Rookie Donte Stallworth also makes his first start against a new Bear lineup insert, Koren Robinson – WR of the Seahawks. Owner Randy Chambers kept his comments short and sweet, “No Bus. No problem.” If he is expecting Robinson to produce the same amount of points as Bettis, he should get succeed in his expectations. Owner Steve Johnson was somewhat more loquacious in his assessment of the matchup, “A true test. I couldn't hope for a better test from a better team.” The Brents had better hope to score 90 if the Bears 89 points ways continue. Another close match up should be between the San Francisco Cubists and the P-Miss Envy. For whatever reason, the Envy have held the edge in the match up in recent years, as Owner Jason Moore commented, “Out of the frying pan into the fire. The Envy have beaten us about three times in a row, [four actually] we're missing two starters [Fred Taylor and Jamal Lewis – who aren’t hurt but] on the bye, and they are smoking everybody while we get beaten up. I'd say they're a 30 point favorite.” Looking at the line at Vegas, we see the hometown Cubists have been installed as a 3 point favorite actually. That’s championship pedigree, for you. The Cubists are going with Muhsin Muhammed on the offensive side and Lance Schulters on the defense as new starters. Owner Perry Missner assess the game this way: “We are 2-0, the Cubists are 0-2. They haven't beaten us since 1998. To say they are due would be, to paraphrase Clark Kellogg, a huge understatement. We just hope to keep it close and let the chips fall where they may. Ray Lewis will be missed, but he is offset by Taylor and Jamal Lewis, I guess. With starting Mike Vick at QB for the first time, we hope to have a bit more versatility.” Yes, Mike Vick makes his Modano debut along with LB’s Isaiah Kacyvenski and Rosie Colvin. The only other year the Cubists started 0-2 was 1999 – the only year they did not win the championship. The Envy have never started 3-0. The last 2-0 team is the Peaks Island Wookies who travel to WonderBra Field to take on the winless Veaselicious Cookies. The Cookies made early week news by reaquiring an old favorite. Owner Dan Weitz commented on how the trade went down: “Amber told me that we are losing because Emmitt isnt here. She said "Daddy, get me Emmitt!!!" Whatever Amber wants Amber gets. Look out rest of the league we are poised to make a run now that we have the all-time rushing leader. Emmitt will be giving all our a pregame speeches the rest of the season. Of course his wont be in some girlie voice like #2 on the all-time rushing list.” Let that last comment be stricken from the record forever. One must respect the dead and saintly. Speaking of Cowboys, has anyone noticed that former Cowboy and Orangeman Daryl Johnston has become a truly excellent color commentator. He makes interesting, succinct points and doesn’t suffer from Joe Carter disease like his former buddy Troy Aikman. [What’s Joe Carter disease, you ask? It’s when a ridiculously idiotic former player gets into the television booth as a color commentator and his comments are simply repeating what the play-by-play man says. Examples: Chip Caray: Fastball on the outside corner. Joe Carter: You know, Chip, that one there was a fastball that hit the outside corner. Another example: Joe Buck: …And the Chiefs get a first down on the run behind left tackle by Priest Holmes. Troy Aikman: First down, Chiefs, by Priest Holmes as he ran behind his big left tackle.] Now, where was I? The Wookies look to try to get the difference maker Curtis Conway back in the lineup after his two TD day. They are also trying out Darrell Jackson for a spin. Owner Will Mitchell said, “We have a lot of respect for next week's opponent and it will be a tough road game. Lots of broncos and bills to contend with. And a tremendous kicking tandem. Luckily one of those kickers wont be playing, and neither will Tom Brady...or will he?” Yes, Tom Brady will be in the Cookies lineup, but newcomer and telephone number pansied shiller Emmitt is not even good enough to get into the lineup. At least Payton left the game gracefully when he still had some skill. The Wookies lead the series 3-2. A pair of .500 Raider fans face off in Owner Chad Nuss Callahan’s least favorite week – Raider bye week. Nuss has scotched together a team of oddballs and wierdos including Jeff Garcia in his annual outing, Deion Branch of the hated Pats, Moe Williams, Steve Christie, Adam Archuleta and Jason Webster. Some of those names will never be heard from again. To this point, and to no one’s surprise, Owner Rob Ouaou, has not changed his lineup or visited his team since 9/11 – eerie. Todd Heap is on the bye and still in the Brothers’ lineup. The Coroners have beaten the Brothers four out of five times. Lastly, we have two teams vying for their first win. They have made their way to 0-2 in very different routes. The 44’s are the third highest scoring team, but have had the misfortune of playing the Bears and Envy the first two weeks. The Lusers are by far the lowest scoring team in league with just 110 points over 2 games. The 44’s are going to try out recently acquired Chris Chambers in the flex. Owner John Stoer looked over the Lusers lineup and said, “I hear Tim Couch is healthy again. Is there a QB controversy in Loserville? We'll do our best to be ready to face whomever they throw at us.” He has not forgotten that Owner Steve “the Einar” Olsen was the one who drafted Brian Mitchell and has not forgiven the Einar for not changing his lineup last year in the final week with the 44’s still having a chance to win the championship. The 44’s are 0-2 for the first time ever, having gone 1-1 in each of the past 4 seasons. The Losers, who have yet to break 60 points, go with essentially the same lineup with J.J. Stokes in for Plaxico Burress. The Einar simply commented, “Points............please.” The teams are even through 4 games in the series history.
----------------------------Won’t Someone Please pick up Najeh Davenport? Press---------------------------------------------------