P-Miss Envy 91 Bull City Bears 87 If we have learned anything from reading “The Birthmark” by Nathaniel Hawthorne, we have learned that there are very few things such as perfection. One must make do with what one has and possibly accept it as good as things get. Such must be the end of the 2002 season for Owner Randy Chambers and his champion Bull City Bears. Riding the crest of 6-game winning streak, the Bears went to P-Miss country to try end the Envy’s own 3-game win streak and their 4-game win streak against eventual or crowned champions. Neither happened as both teams saw big performances from their QB’s and their noted flexes performed up to snuff. The Bears took the early lead on the strength of Daunte Culpepper’s (13/176) big game. Culpepper hit pay dirt thrice in amassing 24 points, but he neglected to connect with Bear teammate Randy Moss (16/133) for any of his TD’s. Moss ended up with 8. The league’s best offensive flex all found the endzone for the third time this season (they also achieved this feat in Weeks 5 and 10). Shaun Alexander (14/195) and Heinz Ward (13/134) were common elements of the Bear OF, but new comer WR Santana Moss (1/8) (of no relation with Randy) also found the endzone in his first action of the season. Chambers, who some of his high school chums once named as a living mirror for Frank “Ferret Face” Burns, (but “Now look who's on top of the Sidwell gang. Bears = Champs!) gave the gameball to Stephen Davis not for playing, but for everything else that he did. Owner Perry Missner (who was once compared to a young Robert DeNiro by his mother) thought he might have an advantage by playing the Dolphins combo of Randy (McMichael (13/26 ugh) – Chris) Chambers (9-45), but that went for naught as the pair scored 4 points. The league’s leading K David Akers (16/135) also had a rare off game as he only scored 1 point. Former Bear Koren Robinson (3/20) burned his old mates for 13 in his best game of the season. However, it was Chad Pennington (6/117) who once again proved to be the difference. Playing against a porous, almost non-existent Packer D, Pennington zinged the ball to the tune of 30 points on 4 TD’s. A jubilant Missner claimed, “Pennington was awsome against the Packers and it almost made me consider keeping him, but Donovan plus implants equals a lot of scores.” Ain’t that a shame. The Envy D also lived up to its big billing as it scored 34 points, led by Brian Urlacher’s (15/139) 12 points. Missner also said, “We did it again. I guess a team can't be a champion without getting swept by the Envy. Pennington was awsome against the Packers and it almost made me consider keeping him, but Donovan plus implants equals a lot of scores. The defense also deserves special kudos. Weeeee are the champions... of the world!” The actual champion, Randy Chambers was not dour despite losing, “I knew to beat the Pip, I would need much voodoo. Thus, I played St. Stephen and my two anti-Packers: Santana Moss and Shadetree. In honor of the Pipster, Santana Moss even scored. Unfortunately, I was out-anti-Peckered by Pennington. My hats off to Perry. Even when I follow the magic of anti-Packer voodoo, he beats me! The fact that my guys were also stumblin' drunk from drinking Champagne Floats out of the championship trophy definitely affected our second half performance. Champ Bailey was soo wasted that he even got points for yardage picked up on a reverse to ol' Darrell Green!”
Syracuse 44’s 126 Peaks Island Wookies 91 What are those song lyrics again? “Two lost souls swimming in fish bowls – year after year”? That would describe the relationship of the 44’s and Wookies in a roundabout way. OK, it wouldn’t really, but it goes without saying that these are two franchises that ended the season in opposite directions. The once top-ranked Wookies closed out the season with three straight losses all of the blow out variety, while the suddenly powerful 44’s beat 7 of their last 8 opponents. The game started out hot and heavy for both teams as they ran up and down the field, scoring TD after TD. QB Drew Bledsoe (16/238) regained a small bit of his lost luster by scoring a couple of TD’s for 16 points and his 8th all pro performance. He also handed off to Ricky Williams (16/225) in a particularly effective manner as the big back from Texas U. rolled his way to another couple of scores and 24 points. Unfortunately, Dolphins coach Dave Wannstedt forgot about Williams in the closing moments of the 4th quarter, so Miami is sitting at home. Owner Will Mitchell gave the gameball to both Drew and Ricky. The team also received TD’s from their late game WR’s Darrell Jackson (4/17) and Rod Smith (14/80). Deuce McAlister had a rough game against the Panthers D with only 7 points and the Wookie D, which was a point of problems all year long, managed just 8 points. They also posed little obstacle against the 44’s attack. Seemingly every play that Owner John Stoer called worked to perfection. He dusted off Kevin Johnson (8/43) from his place near the end of the bench and Johnson responded to his first playing time since Week 8 with a TD. Stoer gave the gameballs to his rookies and with good reason. RB William Green (4/51) led the team with 23 points, but was followed closely by DB Roy Williams (11/93) who had 21. Yet, the loudest rookie among them all was TE Jeremy Shockey (15/59) who scored 12 points, but each one of them was pronounced with an emphatic dance or gesticulation. Hello, Michael Irvin, my old friend, I’ve come to gawk at you again. Even known dancer Martin Gramatica (16/131) got into the high scoring act by dominating the Tampa scoring scene with 5 FG’s for 15 points. Not to be lost in all of the commotion were the steadying acts of Michael Vick (11/189) and Eddie George (15/135). The two former-Envy members each scored a quiet 13 points. Owner John Stoer when asked to say something contradictory, refused: “We're coming off a tremendous game and a terrific season, I'm not in a contradictory mood.” He continued, “Damn, I like my team right now. Everyone is playing well, we've got good depth, and a boat load of talent. Too bad the season is over. Oh well. We'll have to look forward to taking down the Bears next year during our off-season conditioning and weight program.” A lamentable Mitchell said, “We didn;t roll over for the final week but our late season letdown was completed with another loss. This has been a tough and disheartening December - a 5th place finish was not what we were after and to think we were so close to winning it all. But once we shake it off the year did have a lot of positives to look back on and build on next year - 10-7 is not too shabby after all. Congrats to the Bears.”
County Coroners 64 San Francisco Cubists 56 There are times when certain words that are said come back to haunt the sayer. As a believer in Karma, one would think that Owner Jason Moore would certainly believe in that, but that didn’t stop him from saying his Cubists could beat the cross-bay rival Coroners in their sleep. Just to make the game a challenge, Moore decided to tell his team not to score TD’s. This allowed the game to be a close evenly matched game, even if it wasn’t an artistic masterpiece. The Cubists knew the deficit they were facing because the Oakland Raiders were playing on Saturday. While Owner Chad Nuss was certainly pleased that the Raiders won and now hold home field advantage in the AFC playoffs, the sloppy conditions in Oakland prevented the team from putting too many points on the board. Opportunistic QB Rich Gannon (16/292) had a poor game with only 5 points on a TD, but the fact that opposing Priest Holmes was not playing (except for the Brothers) allowed Gannon to remain the highest scoring player in the league. Gannon’s one TD strike went to TE Doug Jolley (6/22) who scored 7 and Charlie Garner (14/151) proved he was a mudder by running the ball through the swamp for 15 points – his 4th all pro game. After Saturday, the Coroners had 44 points and Nuss thought he might be in trouble. On Sunday, the Coroners added a 4th TD as RB Curtis Martin (14/114) sliced through the Packer D for a beautiful score – and 13 points. Meanwhile, Moore – who has more than once been mistaken for former-Smiths headman Morrissey – was learning to do without TD’s. The Cubists were led by their two defensive pillars – Sammy Knight (14/97) and Donnie Edwards (15/129) who combined for 24 points. Knight tolled his first all pro game with 15 points. RB Tiki Barber ran for a huge 200+ yards on Saturday, but mitigated his performance with 3 lost fumbles. The Cubists actually led the league in fumbles lost this year. Surprise starter Ladell Betts (1/3) scored 3 points while fuming Fred Taylor sat on the bench with 10. But the one player who could always take defeat away from certain victory was QB Aaron Brooks (10/141). Brooks ended his second season as the Cubists’ main QB with an awful performance -2. Brooks maintained that he was just following all of the lessons that he learned from Mike Holmgren back in the day. Yet, without Packer shill Tom Oates to laud Holmgren and all of his disciples to remind us how great the team was for one season, Brooks forgot who was on his team and didn’t even throw any passes to Ronde Barber. The Cubists ended the season as they started it – with three losses in a row. A dejected Moore said, “It was a tough season, outscoring every other team by 100 points without another banner to show for it... so we decided to let the players go spend time with their families and just wing it on the gameplan. I guess it will be a nice change to pick 4th instead of 10th next year.”
Brentful Brents 76 Veaselicious Cookies 51 While it has been determined many times before in many arenas, the conflict between Oshkosh high schools North and West is always an intriguing one. While Owner Steve Johnson’s Brentful Brents took the first battle by an intriguing 91-89 margin, the league hierarchy had hopes that the always playing for pride Cookies would really battle it out in Week 17. The one thing those league higher-ups didn’t count on was the dominating performance of RB Clinton Portis (11/179). The rookie runner was simply a head above the competition as well as his own team in this game as he ran for a couple of scores and an amazing 28 points. It goes without saying that Johnson gave Portis the gameball and gave Portis credit for “making me look like a genius on draft day.” Speaking of which, Johnson also fancies himself a Richard Dean Anderson look-a-like. Maybe the nose – maybe. In this same vein, Owner Dan Weitz claimed that the celebrity he most looked like was leading man George Clooney, although he might have been confused of which ER doctor was Clooney and which was Anthony Edwards. The Cookies, to put it mildly, were simply not on their game. Perhaps they were concerned about RB Emmitt Smith’s (8/29) impending retirement and the chance that they may have to see even more commercials with the telephone pitchman. Smith ended his Cookie career with a noble 0. The team did receive two TD’s. One from Tom Brady (11/152) who had a decent year and is ticketed for a Cookie comeback and the other from WR Eric Moulds (15/130) who also had a good year and verified his first round pick status. Led by Emmitt, the Cookie OF had its worst day of the season with three points. Weitz claimed, “The whole team this year was inconsistent so they all suck. Who cares - I'm glad this season is over. See everyone next year which I believe is the year of the weasel!!!” And checking our Chinese Zodiac calendar, we find that Weitz is indeed correct – 2003 is the year of the Weasel!!! (Actually, it’s the year of the Ram – so hold onto your Kurt Warners everybody!!!). Despite the win, Johnson didn’t see too pleased with his own QB Brent Farf. Farf who was having one of his many off games – hitting more Jets than Packers, sat for the 4th quarter while backup lamewad Doug Pederast directed a TD drive. Johnson said, “ya didnt even playout the game. For shame! Ahh.....wha.....da....pathetic. THE JETS AINT THAT GOOD!” Probably not, but it sure was a sweet Sunday.
East Bay Brothers 63 Einar’s Lovable Losers 45 If you guessed that media coverage for this game of two cellar dwellers might be sparse, you would be on the money – right on – exactly right. Yet, despite having a matchup of two low scoring teams, there was a cloud of controversy surrounding Owner Rob Ouaou and his East Bay Brothers. Rumors had spread throughout the league that the lack of attention paid by Ouaou would cause the league to relegate the Brothers to the Bundeshleague. Typically, Ouaou had no comment on his own plight, but thoughts among owners were split: 3 for, 5 against. Opposing Owner Steve “the Einar” Olsen summed up the pro team when asked if Ouaou should be back, he said, “sure.” Owner John Stoer and Will Mitchell said absolutely and yes, respectively. However, there was a powerful contingent of owners who thought that Ouaou’s dogging it should lead him to expulsion. Chief among them was league champion Owner Randy Chambers who had spoken at length on the subject earlier in the season. Chambers reiterated, “Absolutely not. Losing is one thing. No hustle is another. Cut them!” Owner Perry Missner, the league’s link to the outside media, concurred, “I don't think so. It's one thing not to change your lineup and another not to submit interviews!” Owners Moore, Weitz and Johnson also said that Ouaou should not be back. The most aggressive man in Ouaou’s corner was WR Ike Hilliard (13/13). Ike was tremendously pleased by his owner’s ability to allow the players to work through rehab on the actual playing field. Hilliard said, “Not many owners will give a guy chance after chance to buck the odds and get over the injury report that says there is no way he can play, but Ouaou is that special someone.” Peyton Manning (14/229) had mixed views, “While I would like to play for a winner and I don’t think that is going to happen in East Bay as long as Ouaou only checks his lineup once every three weeks, it is better playing for Ouaou than that horde of inbreds I was tied to last year.” Well, if it was the Brothers’ last game, they went out with a win. TE Todd Heap (16/76) had his second all pro game and Zack Crockett (6/38) continued to be a force from the flex with 10. Manning had 11 to finish off a rather successful season. The Losers were led by Marcus Pollard (13/56) who had 8 points, but Olsen, who some think resemble Steve from Blues Clues, said contradictorily, “Everybody stinks.” He continued by saying, “Weasel is good at videogames – not!” The Einar, ever the optimist, summed up his 2002 in which his Losers had the second worst record in Modano history, like this, “Worst record, but scored more points than the Brothers!”
----------------------------------I Love it When You Call Me Big Poppa Press------------------------