Bull City Bears 70 Peaks Island Wookies 27 There are times in each of our lives that none of us will forget – the special birthdays, the marriages, the high scores on pinball and, in 2002 for Owner Randy Chambers, his first Modano Mi Hermano championship. When, someday, his grandchildren ask him how he did it, Chambers will most likely respond that his team didn’t have the most talent, wasn’t the smartest bunch in the world, was fairly hard to look at, but – dammit – they played their hearts out and knew the magical key to winning – score more points than your opponent. By that time, the world and media will have forgotten that the Bears were lucky enough to allow a league wide low of 69.96 ppg and having just the 6th highest point total in the league. All people will look at is the record book and Randy Chambers name etched next to 2002 champion. It was a similar formula in Week 16 in which the Bears faced their closest rivals, the Peaks Island Wookies. Going into the week, the Wookies were the only team with a chance to take Chambers’ title away, but they would have to win out while the Bears lost their last two games. Things started inauspiciously for the Wookies as they got off to a slow Saturday start. Owner Will Mitchell gave the media an inside look on his team with a running commentary: “The Wookies are off to a rocky start with Ricky [Williams (15/201)] held to only 5 points Saturday. The upshot of the Miami game for the Wookies was the 11 point surge by [Jason] Taylor (4/32). Bite my tongue, but this may finally be the week that the Wookie DL comes shining through. In fact I'm going to predict a triple double DL, propelling the Wookies to victory. We had some tough decisions to make on the WR front...had to give Troy Brown (10/43) the starting nod over underperforming Rod Smith. And [Joe] Horn (12/106) and the [Curtis Conway] Difference maker (11/60) also made the cut. So again it comes down to this: If Drew [Bledsoe] (15/222) brings his game today we're taking the Modano title!” Sadly, Bledsoe left his game at home as he scored a season worst –7, including 4 turnovers in a game against the sissy Pack. Bledsoe’s old pitch and catch mate Troy Brown also tolled negative numbers (-2) and the triple double prediction fell flat as Taylor led the team and his buddies could only combined for 9 points. Mitchell also made the mistake, once again, of playing a fat, piece of crap tight end, while wonderful Christian Fauria was scoring yet another TD. Watching the Wookies destroy themselves, the Bears ambled along scoring enough points to win. Duante Culpepper (12/152) and Randy Moss (15/125) switched rolls as Culpepper had the three points and Moss threw for a TD and scored 13. Chambers, who says that he is only intimidated by “facing Jamo in Fantasy Football – his track record of domination combined, his attention to detail and his obsession to winning – as well as snakes (Slithery beasts!),” refused to call timeouts and let his team work out of their own jams – a la Phil Jackson. Shaun Alexander (14/185) led the team on Sunday with a 17-point all pro performance and the defensive flex chipped in 21. Chambers, who would take the 1-point PAT 95% of the time, was as happy as T.J. Houshmandzeh and gave gameballs to the entire team. On the losing side, Mitchell knew he had let a golden opportunity slip away, “Well, the truth hurts. The Wookies are December flops. Riding a best-ever year into a chance to secure a share of first, the worst fantasy score ever rears its ugly head. The whole #$%%%$#$# team is to blame. Woe is me...” Woe was not Chambers, as he gleefully commented, “What more can I say? Special game balls to the Bus, who won every game he played this year, St. Stephen for putting up with the 'ol ball coach (whatever that is?!)', Brunell for many years of blessed service (and leading prayer services), Daunte and Randy, for making up. I never gave up on the lads, and they never gave up on me. Mostly, the special game ball goes to the Maya, who was the difference maker on the sideline this year! Now I can actually show up for my 15th high school reunion in the Spring and not be the only FFLer without a ring there! All in the Sidwell family, as we say. My hat's off to Will. He assembled a great team, and worst-to-second is quite an achievement.” Ever the statesman, may this be the first of many championships in the Chambers regime.
Syracuse 44’s 101 San Francisco Cubists 71 It was wasn’t that long ago that Owner John Stoer pronounced his team ready to put an ass-whupping on the once dominant Cubists and compared the Cubists team to Scooby Doo and his gang of oddball friends. These taunts must have hit at the heart of the Cubists who have gone on record as saying they do not like Scooby snacks and would not try to take masks off criminals just for a taste of those treats. Of course, Owner Jason Moore had a convenient excuse ready – his team has always been intimidated by the media coverage because “it has historically abused me.” As if the other 9 teams were universally praised? A better excuse would have been that the Cubists were going into the game without one of their big guns, Marvin Harrison antithesis – Terrell Owens who was busy resting up for the NFL playoffs. Owens replacement, Rod Gardner (5/24) was dusted off and scored 3 points. Not a good start. Fred Taylor (15/135) also had a rare off game with 1 point and didn’t remind Moore of Dick Trickle. QB Aaron Brooks (9/143) also used the Pledge as he came off the bench but was only able to score 9. In fact, the only Cubist to exceed expectations was Tiki Barber (10/121) who scored 14 points on a couple of TD’s. Brooks was facing his cousin, little Mikey Vick (10/176) for the third time this season, as Moore pointed out last week, and for the third time, was trumped. Vick let his arm do the talking on his way to 22 points for the team with most QB points. Stoer, he loves to say Banana Slugs (possibly of Santa Cruz), gave Vick the gameball, but he must have also been proud of Vick’s trading partner, Eddie George (14/122). George scored twice more from close range on his way to his 4th all pro game and 17 points. Yet, neither player made Stoer forget about his all time favorite QB Donovan McNabb, who is resting comfortable after receiving his new age implants, when Stoer was asked about two point conversions, “[With McNabb], I would go for it 100% of the time, 100%. Either a QB draw or TE throwback [Brominski!] would work every time.” The 44 wideouts also had a great day with 14 points coming from both Marvin Harrison (15/176) and Donte’ Stallworth (6/39). Harrison passed Owens for the top receiver points honors. Even the 44 D, which doesn’t intimidate Stoer like the ’85 Bears D (aaaaahhhhh), played well with a combined 25 points. Stoer commented, “It was a nice win. We here in Syracuse thank the Cubists for the early Christmas present.” A downcast Moore, whose team tied its dubious franchise record with 7 losses, said, “Nothing real special out there. Every time my team has scored less than 90 points all year, we've lost. And we didn't make it to 90. Congratulations to the Maya... she seems to be more effective than the Danny.”
County Coroners 64 Einar’s Lovable Losers 64 Everyone around the league assumed that the year would end without the benefit of fantasy football’s really special aspects – the tie. In 2001, we had a record number of ties as the Wookies came as close as anyone could come to winning without winning a number of times. Yet, the week’s passed and there were no ties. A one-point victory now and then, but never a tie – until Week 16. What could have easily been relegated to the #5 game became a #3 by the benefit of two teams playing everything close to the vest. The game started quietly enough with Loser Ronald McKinnon (12/49) scoring three points on Saturday. The Losers took control somewhat during the early games on Sunday as they scored all but 8 of their points during that time period. Of course, they were led by Steve “Nair” McNair (13/196) who scored 12 points despite a near fatal breakdown of his implants which have not been serviced since he was traded to the penny pinching Owner Steve “Einar” Olsen’s team. LaDainian Tomlinson (15/215) continued his strong season with 9 points and Plexico Burress (15/116) and Steve Smith (3/21) scored a pair of 8’s. The late afternoon games were the Coroners chance to shine. Owner Chad Callahan Nuss, who for some reason thinks Dick Butkus’s name is funny, was given some love by his leading Raiders. Rich Gannon (15/287) regained the overall lead for points scored with his 9th all pro game and 15 points. Charlie Garner (13/136) also ran well with his 3rd all pro game on 16 points. Even elder statesman Rod Woodson (11/78) got his schwerve going with 9 points on the D side. Sadly, Doug Jolley (5/15) was singled out for scorn as the Coroners leading TE scored 0. Going into Monday, the Coroners held a 61-56 edge, despite the fact that Callahan would only go for 2 10% of the time. It was a good thing the Raiders won on Sunday because otherwise Nuss would have been intimidated: “walking out of the Oakland Coliseum after a loss, everyone wants to fight, they don't care who, so you just get pissed with them, but DO NOT look anyone in the eye, you can get stabbed, shot, and/or beat up. And you better NOT be smiling, cause they may mistake that for the competition, and you'll get carried away in a cart. I've seen it, and it ain't pretty. GO RAIDERS!!!!!!!!” The Coroners may have thought they were in trouble when Burress scored his 8 and Keenan McCardell (7/21) only hit his average with 3. But this game’s X-factor was Mike Alstott (8/44) who single handedly loses as many games as he wins. Alstott had butterfingers and fumbled while only scoring 2, for a grand total of –1. His loss of points not only achieved the tie but enabled him to gain the gameball from Nuss. The judges went to their score cards and found that the Coroners had scored 3 TD’s to the Losers 2. Result: win for the Coroners. Nuss had nothing to say about the exciting win, but did say about his Raiders, “AFC West Champs! Tennessee and Pittsburgh are going to playoffs? huh? those teams clearly suck compared to the Raiders.”
P-Miss Envy 89 Veaselicious Cookies 48 Revenge was on the minds of the Envy because the one game that took them out of the championship race in the minds of the country was the 134-49 whitewashing they received in Week 7 from their ancient rivals, the Veaselicious Cookies. Owner Perry Missner had been playing revenge from that week forward and he seemed to have a gameplan that would help gain the series advantage back in the Envy favor. Missner, who loves to say Ruben Boumtje Boumtje and shake his rump while doing it, countered Owner Dan Weitz’s three Saturday players with 4. Saturday ended with a 24-14 Envy lead as the Envy received 11 points from former Cookie Chris Chambers (8/41) and 9 points from the league’s leading and team top scorer K David Akers (15/134). The Cookies dragged out a pathetic shell of a formerly decent RB in Emmitt Smith (7/29) who managed to actually lower his average with just 2 points. Why can’t we leave the completely used up alone? Things got worse for Weitz, who would go for 2 every time, on Sunday as his team simply did not perform. Two time league MVP Marshall Faulk (13/126) also looks like a pathetic shell as he scored just 2 points and the team wasn’t helped by Travis Henry (12/114) who fumbled against the sissy pack and Alge Crumpled (2/0) who is now oh for two (with no walks). Weitz confided that he is intimidated by the entire Modano Mi Hermano league because “no matter how good my team is on paper I can never seem to win any games.” It’s true, not too many games are won on paper. When it comes to intimidating Missner (who would bravely go for two 97% of the time “The only time I wouldn't go for it would be in the waning seconds if the game was tied. Otherwise, two is better than one.”), no fantasy football team can do it, but Bob Klahn, frequent editor of the Washington Post crossword puzzles can. “Whenever I see [Klahn], I know that I am not going to be able to finish the puzzle. I just don't get the way that guy thinks and his long clues are always impossible.” Brian Urlacher (14/127) kept the team rolling with his 2nd all pro game of 15 points on Sunday. Yet the difference between the two teams was at the QB position. On Sunday night Tom Brady (10/143), last week’s favorite flavor, went against Chad Pennington (5/87), this week’s taste. While Brady managed just 8 points on a one TD, Pennington used the aerial assault for a season high 27 points on three TD’s. Pennington was given the gameball because “he was the difference between the Cookies and the Envy. A succinct Weitz said, “Missner kicked our ass what more can we say.” A less succinct Missner replied, “Oh, sweet victory. Pennington was the difference, but I should also give kudos to Brian Urlacher for not giving up on the season. We gained a small measure of revenge on the Cookies from the whipping they gave us earlier in the season and we held both Emmitt and Marshall to peace signs. One more win equals double digits...”
Brentful Brents 80 East Bay Brothers 67 When Owner Steve Johnson was asked recently what he would like Santa to bring for him under his Christmas tree, Johnson didn’t respond, but it was thought that a victory over former thorn in his side Peyton Manning (13/218) and the East Bay Brothers would be nice. Let’s not forget that the Brothers damaged the Brent championship cause in Week 7 with a 72-70 win. With that in mind, Johnson stoked up the inbred horde and let them fire away. Sadly, the self-inflected injuries for QB Brent Farf (15/210) are mounting and his point production is starting to dwindle. Farf had yet another off game with just 3 points, although his one TD strike did go to WR Donald Driver (13/108) who had 10 points. Ahole “Put it on the” Green (12/139) had a mediocre 8 points and the team was actually led by its kicker. But K Jay Feely (5/56) wasn’t a normal kicker on this day – he was a super kicker. Feely set a season record with 19 points coming a variety of kicks from a multitude of angles. He even had a tackle. The Brents also received TD’s from Garrison Hearst (9/88) and Clinton Portis (10/151). The aforementioned thorn, Manning, was doing his best to undo his former team. Manning had a sensational 26 point game with 3 TD’s as well as a 2 point conversion. Peyton said that he was just starting to undo the awful effects of being surrounded by such dumbness for so long and hope that fumblitis would not affect young Portis. Owner Rob Ouaou’s Brothers actually scored more TD’s than the Brents (6 to 4) as Zach Crockett (5/28) hit pay dirt from point blank range twice and Laverneus Coles (6/36) showed why he shouldn’t have been rotting on the Brother bench with 11 points. Crockett and Michael Pittman (15/63) combined for 13 points which tied, once again, the Brother season high for offensive flex. Unfortunately, we still have to report of all of the Brothers who were in the lineup and did not play including league leading RB Priest Holmes (16/283), Ike Hilliard (12/13). Chad Brown (13/45) and TeBucky Jones (7/17). With a weekly lineup of players who do not play, this may be the end of the rocky relationship between the Modano league and Ouaou who seems unrepentant for his abuse of injured players who are under contract. Brown, for instance, is a gamer who is playing on one leg, but if he were on another team, he would have probably slid onto injured reserve and started rehabbing for 2003. Yet, the Brothers have no rehab facilities as Ouaou claims that he doesn’t believe in it. What shall we do?
Week 17 previews - While there isn’t much left to play for except for some draft implications and a small amount of pride, there were no doubt be some fierce action in the last week of the season. The champion Bull City Bears take their party on the road to take on the P-Miss Envy. The teams are two of the hottest in the league as the Bears have won their last 6 and the Envy have won their last 3. The Envy won the Week 8 battle 86-65 and the series is tied at 4 games apiece. Owner Perry Missner’s teams have not lost to the eventually champion since 1999 as they beat the Cubists three times in a row during their 2000-2001 run as well as the earlier beating of the Bears. To keep that streak alive, Missner will be going with Amani Toomer who has been doing incredible things from the bench (31 points in Week 16) and former Bear Koren Robinson. The Bears will leave the Week 16 lineup that decimated the Wookies alone. Owner Randy Chambers said, “It's fitting to wrap up a Championship season with a visit to (from?) the Pipster. I would want to receive the Modano trophy from no one else, so having the commish/king/scribe on hand to give us the trophy is a true honor. This long sought after title is in honor of Modano, Jeremy's spoken, Pussier, Fedorov and all the other NHL '94 greats.” Meanwhile, Missner had some tricks up his sleeve, “I don't know if we will recognize the Bears as champions if we sweep them, so that is our goal. We've seen their same lineup all season, so we can set a good gameplan. We are looking to Dee Brown to score some more close range TD's and our Randy (McMichael) and (Chris) Chambers to know the insides of the family ways.” The recently deposed Wookies will try to get their act together as they face the league’s other hot team – the 44’s who have won 6 out of their last 7. A sobbing Owner Will Mitchell has not changed his lineup that produced just 27 points, but getting that piece of crap tight end out of the lineup would be a great start. The hometown Wookies hold a 3-2 series advantage and won in Week 8 by a 88-64 margin. Owner John Stoer returns WR Kevin Johnson, a top draft pick, to the lineup, and offered some conciliation for Mitchell, “First off, Congrats to the Bears!! The bridesmaid has become the bride. This week we face what must be a totally humiliated and disheartened Wookies club. Maybe next year Will, maybe next year.” A bayside rivalry takes place as the Coroners jump the water to take on the Cubists. The Cubists hold a 7-1 series edge and beat the Coroner thoroughly in Week 8 – 102-59. Owner Jason Moore, who will be trying to avoid his first 8 loss season, said nonchalantly, “I could care less. Not that we need to pay much attention to beat the Coroners.” He will return Chris Claiborne to the lineup as well as trying Ladell Betts in the starting RB slot. Owner Chad Nuss Callahan is taking the battle a bit more seriously as he said, “Must win against last year's top dog!” No lineup changes for the Coroners yet. A couple of old Oshkosh rivals also square off as the Brents invade the Cookies. Neither owner commented on the battle but if the Week 8 91-89 Brent win is any indication, we may have a sweet game on our hands. The Brents hold a 5-2 series edge, but have not changed their lineup. Owner Dan Weitz returns stammering James Stewart and Shannon Sharpe to the lineup. Finally, we have the Yuck Bowl – Brothers and Losers. These teams have combined for 8 wins – or less than any single team other than the Cookies. The Brothers won in Week 8 and hold a 4-1 advantage in the series, but other than that, this game requires no comment.
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