Bull City Bears 116 County Coroners 60 2002 has been a dream season in many ways for the Bull City Bears and the dreamy ways continued in Week 15 as the Owner Randy Chambers� team pounded the living daylights out of the County Coroners. It has become apparent that keeper QB Daunte Culpepper (11/149) learned a few lessons in the weeks that he was benched for Mark Brunell. Culpepper looked as if he were inspired by a higher power � and we may as well say it was good old Jesus � as he tossed puny Coroners out of the way in his record breaking performance. Before 2002, no player had scored 40 points, but now two have done it and they are both Bears (Shaun Alexander was the first). Culpepper had 4 TD�s (2 running, 2 throwing) as well as a memorable 2-point conversion to tally 40 points. Chambers, who wouldn�t want to be a long snapper, doubled his pleasure with Culpepper�s TD strikes going to the one and only Randy Moss (14/112) who had his first all pro performance with 20 points. Yet, Culpepper didn�t want to thank Jesus, Buddha, or even Yahweh, when he said, �Stephen Davis (14/91) inspired us to victory. When me and Randy Moss saw him lying on a cart, we decided to put aside our fussing and a-feuding and take over." "We played the second half as a tribute to Stephen, our fallen leader," said Jerome �the Bus� Bettis (9/70). "I exhorted Shaun to push a little harder and told the trainer there was no way I was sitting after twisting my knee on the first TD." Bettis and Alexander both pushed the pedal to the metal with two TD�s each and a combined 34 points. Chambers, who was probably a sports play-by-play voice in a previously life since all he needed was a good voice, and he would have been a natural, gave the game ball to Davis and the Miami defense for holding down the mighty Coroner attack. With the Raiders being subdued by the Dolphin defense, Coroner points were at a premium. Rich Gannon (14/272) and Jerry Porter (5/27) were the only Coroners to get ink with a TD and a 2-pointer, but it was slim pickings for the rest of the Coroner crew. RB Curtis Martin (12/84) had a 10 point game and Sebastian Janakowski (12/109) had 3 figgies, but new lineup inserts Keenan McCardell (6/18) and Deltha O�Neal (4/11) must have become rusty from the bench as they each scored just a single point. Owner Chad Callahan Nuss could just shake his head in disgust. Even if the Raiders had scored more, they would have had serious trouble beating the team that now stands on the top of the mountain � alone. "Ay oh! December is for winning," said Coach Chambers, in his gravely radio play-by-play voice. "Mark Brunell, that spicy meatball, kneeled next to Stephen and prayed, and then used the hand of Christ to heal Jerome's knee and the Vike egos. Now, whatsamattayou!"
Einar�s Lovable Losers 87 Peaks Island Wookies 52 As Drew Bledsoe (14/229) goes, so do the Peaks Island Wookies. Pretty much everyone in the league and worldwide know this simple truth. So when Bledsoe has his raz on, there is no touching the Wookies. However, in Week 15 Bledsoe must have had one too many grande moccha cappucino lattes, as his raz definitely wasn�t on and neither were the hopes for Wookie championship gold. Bledsoe had problems communicating with his receivers, handing off to his double back attack and getting along with the trainers as he only scored 3 points and didn�t set up many Wookie TD�s. In fact, Deuce McAlister (13/150) was the only Wookie to find the endzone. Yes, Joe Horn (11/102) had a 2-point conversion but we are talking about TD�s here. TE Christian Fauria (2/7) unlike the Wookies other TE blocked like a maniac but was not thrown to as part of the offensive package. The guy deserves to be in the lineup. Still, the Wookies had their first 0 from the TE slot since Week 2. K Adam Vinatieri (14/100) tied a season low with a point. The only Wookie to play above and beyond was DL Jason Taylor (3/21) who had three sacks on his way to 16 points. While at one point in the season, a half-hearted effort might have been enough to beat the Losers, Owner Steve �the Einar� Olsen actually showed up to change his lineup. Gone were the drunk Jumbotron Smith and the fairy element, Terri Glenn, replaced by bruisers Mike Alstott (7/45) and Steve Smith (2/13). Alstott and Smith contributed 15 points and the Einar gave the gameball to Mike A. (a distant relation of Beastie Boy Mike D.). While the new guys played well, it was the eversteady Steve �Olsen� McNair (12/184) who has given the Losers opportunities to win. McNair provided increased breathing room by pumping in 16 points on a couple of tough running TD�s. Plexico Burris (14/108) also found all pro gold for the third time with 16 points. LaDainian Tomlinson (14/206) ran effectively for 13 points. The Einar was displeased with the play of Warren Sapp (10/50), who had 1 point, but probably said he would least like to play offensive lineman because he would have to deal with Sapp on a play-to-play basis. The blowout win was the first for the Losers, against 6 losses, and the fourth time the Wookies had been blowout (out of 5 total losses). This was the first time that the Wookies had the low score of the week and, no coincidentally, it was their lowest total.
Veaselicious Cookies 76 San Francisco Cubists 70 Owner Jason Moore knew that his chances for the threepeat were slim early in the season when his team lost their first three games. Yet, his sudden disappearance led to a mighty charge that made it look like the Cubists were on the right trail. Now, he is back and the Cubists championship hopes are gone. Since the Bears won in Week 15 and swept the season series from the Cubists, there is no possibility of the league having a repeat champion. How did it happen? Moore pointed to the drop off in play of TE Tony Gonzalez (14/80) who managed just 3 points again. Once, an obvious keeper pick, Gonzalez has not done much lately to provide a reason for Moore to renew his services. Plus, there is Moore�s own bias against the offensive line. Other less than standard performances were turned in by Corey Dillon (14/122) and Jamal Lewis (13/107) along with the Cubist D, which had a season low 9 points. WR Terrell Owens (14/168), who is an obvious keeper pick, somehow got over his strained groin and to pom pom his way to 11, while Tiki Barber (9/107) led the team with 14. The lack of point production for the Cubists � the lowest of the season � led to a great opportunity for Owner Dan Weitz and his Cookies. Weitz had done his research and kept the game plan simple: run the ball excessively, control the clock and keep the score low and close. You see, Weitz had the inside knowledge that although the Cubists have by far the best record in Modano history, when you can make them sweat, sometimes they choke on their sweat (evidenced by their 12-13 record in games decided by less than 10 points). Therefore, Weitz (who in a previously life was probably the same old Einar beater he is now, but Einar was probably a piss-boy who looked like the king!!! � even though it�s good to be the king) had the team pound into the middle of the line repeatedly. When creaky stalwarts Emmitt Smith (5/25) and Marshall Faulk (12/126) were in the lineup, it didn�t work too well as they both achieved two point notoriety. However, Travis Henry (11/114) has the youth and quickness to bust the inside runs to the outside as he converted for 18 points, leading the team and getting a gameball for his troubles. Jimmy Smith (12/85) snagged a TD for 12 and Olindo Mare (5/37) pumped in three figgies for another 12 � a Cookie season high. Chad Lewis (9/19) had two points and prompted Weitz to comment, �Hey, man, we don�t need no stinkin� tight end, man. No me gusta, tight end, man, for obvious reasons. Plus, no me gusta La Einure.� The game was still in doubt on Monday with the Cookies leading by a point but with QB Tom Brady (9/135) set to go against DB Lance Schulters (10/62). Weitz commented on the eve of the final destruction, �Its Monday, homes, and we still have Biz-rady playing and we are winning by a point, it be OVER!!! We have not faired well, dude, against the Cubists so its nice to kick his cajones once and while.� While Brady�s 7 weren�t of the cajones kicking variety they did provide enough to overcome Schulter�s 2. Weitz exclaimed, �I feel everyone played pretty well, [droppings] we [really and truly] rocked!!!� A lonely nation turned its crying eyes to Moore as he said, �I don't see a lot of players stepping up to become keepers, nes pas? Except for Terrell (mi cherie amour), nobody is guaranteed anything. Whereas if you look at the Steaks � excuse em moi, I mean Bears, mon ami, - they are getting tres bien performances down the stretch.� Moore then ruminated on his distant past by guessing that �I was most likely a carpenter in the past, because I believe in karma and I am getting screwed.�
Brentful Brents 93 Syracuse 44�s 85 This was an intriguing match up on more levels than one can count. You have the team with the hole at QB against the team that has consistently had the best QB play in the league. You had tons of young bucks out there running their heinies off and you had two owners with the desire to offer up numerous trades. This back and forth affair took a few turns before settling down. The 44�s grabbed the early lead with the inspired play of Marvin Harrison (14/162) who set a single season record for most catches with two games left to play. Go for 150, Marvin. His 23 points gained the 44�s the early lead and himself the gameball. Mike Vick (9/154) also had two TD�s but was unable to parlay them into big points with just 13. Sweet Willie Green (2/25) continued his late season emergence with another 11 and Martin Gramatica (14/115) stoked up the happy machine with 13. Only Edgerrin �All Talk� James made Owner John Stoer wonder what he done to deserve such disrespect. Nothing much happened for the Brents during the early games, but they exploded at 4PM. Clinton Portis (9/142) had little to do with interns and Leaves of Grass and all to do with putting the ball where it counts. Portis scored 4 times ran for over 200 yards and only a couple of fumbles (probably the influence of Ahole �Put it on the� Green (11/131)) kept him from having bonzo gonzo numbers. Portis ended up with 31 and received a gameball for his troubles. Johnson, who wouldn�t want to be an �Offensive guard or tackle. How big am I? Besides, most of the work and none of the glory,� received middlin� performances from his pride and joy � the Peckers. Brent Farf (14/207) overcame a love for rancid burritos by scoring 12. The Green�n�Gold connection (see, I noticed) had 12 and Dick Driver had (12/98) had 8. Lamar Gordon (2/8) gained Johnson�s (who believes he was a cheese maker in a previous life) disapproval because I chose you over 3 other guys [Staley � 18, Holt � 15, Dunn � 10] who scored double digits, and you score 2, against AZ!� Johnson had a good feeling, possibly because of his slight Norwegian accent (�Just babble with a slight german twinge and people will believe you.�) going into Monday night. His team held a 9 point lead and he had secret weapon SU alum Keith Bulluck (8/59) against has-been Eddie George (13/105). George�s elderly status made Stoer remember a few lives ago, when he was �an old west barkeep. Play a little poker, drink a little whiskey, employ some young ladies to do what young ladies do best, and have one of those annoying player pianos.� George came up with 7 point, old school, but Bullock went oops upside his head for 6 of his own, preserving the victory margin. Stoer commented and scratched the side of his face with his hand, �I've been saying since Day 1 that the Brents have the most talent in the league. I don't envy his keeper decisions because may they all be of the male persuasion. He's going to give up a lot of good players, but it won�t be personal, it�s strictly business. As for the game, we went to the mattresses. I wish I'd played James "SU Tough" Mungro over Edgerrin "Miami Puss-wad" James. I knew one of them would have a big day; I picked the wrong one.� So, sums up a season.
P-Miss Envy 96 East Bay Brothers 68 One can not hold Owner Perry Missner�s teams in contempt for losing to teams they should beat. Witness the series against Owner Rob Ouaou�s teams in which the P-Miss Envy have regularly come out on top. It�s much like the glory days of football when Da Coach routinely womped the Lions, Vikings, Bucs, and, especially, the Packers. Oh, for Coach Ditka to come back to Chicago instead of Coach Dick. The Envy had their higher hopes taken away from them with a 4-game losing streak, but they refused to quit tackling, quit running, quit playing. The game got off to a rather slow start as neither team showed my scoring punch. QB Chad Pennington (4/60) was unable to solve the Chicago D and had his worst game with 12 points. Randy McMichael (11/25) has yet to find his groove (unlike his owner who believes in a past life he was a Solid Gold dancer because �any time I hear that deep bass beat, I gotta shake my groove thang�) with Jay Fielder � anti-semite � as he again scored 0. Meanwhile, the Brothers got off to a decent start with Michael Pittman (14/62) scoring his first TD of the season and Peyton Manning (12/192) pitching in another two. Had the Brothers employed a full roster, they might have won, but once again too many broken players were hauled on the field as the don of penny pinching, Ouaou, didn�t want to pay the exorbitant transaction fee. The game remained close, although not as close as a QB�s hands to a center�s butt making center a position Missner would not want to play, until young pup Marcel Shipp (3/42) decided to take the game over. Shipp ran circles around the Brother D, especially Chad Brown who may not even play in 2003, as he scored 6 ways from Sunday three times and totaled 29 points. Is it any wonder he was given the gameball? The 41 points from the Envy OF were a season high � and the Brothers OF�s tied their season high with 13. Shipp�s gamebreaking left the Monday night performers, Antowain Smith (14/102) and Tebucky Jones (6/17) performances for naught. The Brothers have not scored 70 points or more since Week 7 and have now lost five in a row. They have also been blown out 6 times this season. Missner, who team now has many wins as it did in 2001, commented, �Tank you bery much, sir. Dis was far doo close until Marcel broke it open � like the arms of Vishnu. We would have hated to lose to a team featuring Ike Hilliard and Chad Brown. A fantasy win with a Bears win made this a nice weekend - 2 out of 3 ain't bad, if you know what I am saying to you. You, Stupid 49ers, you.�
Week 16 previews - The fate of the season truly rests on one game. The 11-4 Bears invade New England as they take on the pride of Peaks Island, the Wookies. The Bears have owned this series, until this year winning 5 in a row before the Wookies took a 90-75 decision in Week 7. No doubt, Daunte Culpepper remembers his one point performance in the battle of 5-1�s and has something up his sleeve to show us all what he is made of. Meanwhile, Drew Bledsoe has been blotto in recent weeks but gets a chance at redemption where he can win a lot of fans in Lambeau Field. Owner Randy Chambers has had to leave Isaac Bruce in the lineup due to the dislocated shoulder of his favorite St. Stephen Davis (who was injured to take the pain away from the rest). Chambers said � still using that Marv Albert-esque voice, �What more is there to say? This is a must win. We've had this game circled on our calendar for two months. Will has put together a great team, starting with keeping Bledsoe and drafting Deuce at #1. We know they're the Cinderella story this year, so everyone is rooting for them. They'll be extra focused coming off of a loss, but we feel like we are peaking at the right time. As the team chaplain, um, Mark Brunell, said. "This one is for St. Stephen." Yes!� Owner Will Mitchell refused comment to the media but that is likely due his insistence on playing TE Booger Frankfurter � a huge mistake � compounded with his benching of the difference maker, Curtis Conway. We don�t think you want to go into a game of this magnitude with your head up your butt and your bits�n�pieces hanging out. Owner Jason Moore is the odd place of playing for pride. His teams have rarely done that before, so it will be interesting to see if they have a ghost of a chance against the ready Syracuse 44�s. The Cubists hold the series advantage 5-1 and have won 5 in a row. Moore noted, �Michael Vick is 2-0 against his cousin in real life. Let's see how it goes in FFL.� Yes, Aaron Brooks is back in the lineup after Brad Johnson couldn�t seal the deal against the Cookies. New reruit coiled wire is also in the Cubist lineup, but we aren�t sure if he is hooking up the cable or not. Owner John Stoer is also going with a new recruit in rookie Ed Reed, but the rest of the lineup remains the same. Stoer commented on the Cubists season, �Well, it's Jamo week. I was really hoping that the ass-whupping I'm about to put on his club would be painful and agonizing for him, but it's not going to be any fun now that all his clubhouse turmoil with ghosts or ex-ghosts or whatever the hell is going on has ruined his season. It's like a two hour made-for-TV Scooby Doo Meets Jerry Springer movie over there. Even if we win now, where's the joy in beating a bad cartoon of a team?� Now, let�s be honest, Scooby Doo didn�t lose his cache until Scrappy showed up. Speaking of the Cookies, as we did a number of sentences ago, they stay at home to take on their second most hated rival, the P-Miss Envy. The series is tied at 4, but the Cookies have not forgotten how a late season Envy win in 2001 ended their chances at a winning season. Now, they would like some pay back. Weitz commented, �Missner vs. Weitz its like the Rabbi vs Jesus [?] mutual respect for each other but a deep down desire to make the other one look bad. Missner prepare to look bad VERY BAD� Weitz proclaimed, then covered his bases by mentioned, �and not bad meaning good either.� Sure, we know what you mean � wink, wink. It looks like the Cookies will trot out the same 11 that just knocked off the Cubists, while the Envy bring in former Cookie Chris Chambers as well as Koren Robinson to aid the high flying attack. For Missner though, there are ulterior motives going on here, �We haven't forgotten the destruction the Cookies wrought in Week 7, but more than winning we simply want to rough up Emmitt Smith. We don't think this call-shiller belongs in the same ballpark as Saint Walter and Urlacher is going to use magnetism to knock Sleazy E out.� The Brents look for double digits as they hit the road to take on the soon to be relegated Brothers. The series is somehow tied at 3 and the Brothers took the first meeting 72-70. Owner Steve Johnson goes with the same lineup minus Lamar Gordon, plus Torry Holt. He said, �Lets hope Ouaou stays on his recent trend. Maybe I can shot for 11 this year.� His cause will be helped by Priest Holmes injury which will leave the Brothers basically without hope. Yes, Peyton will try to rally the troops to get the man who held him down, but with so many injured players, it just doesn�t seem likely. The final game pits the Coroners at the Losers. The Coroners seemed destined to be 8-9 for the fourth year out of 5, but a loss to the Losers would cause some Coroner fans to question the leadership of the organization. Neither team has made any changes to their lineup since last week. The Losers lead the series 3-2, despite the Week 7 80-73 loss. Yet, the Einar remained upbeat, noting, �2 more wins = better record than the Weasel.� He then smiled,. �:)�
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