Peaks Island Wookies 87 Brentful Brents 84 No matter how well your team is doing on Sunday, it just doesn’t make sense in this topsy turvy world of Modano to coast on Monday, but that is exactly what the Brents ended up doing as they sought a piece of first place pie. Having full confidence that his Pecker buddy the Einar would knock off the Bull City Bears, Owner Steve Johnson knew his team could regain a share of first with a win over the Wookies. Johnson, who claims to be an optimist – “I figure people are all good until I find out which teams they root for.” – let his rosy glow shine on Sunday. Although Duce Staley (7/83) was the only Brent to score during the day time, the team racked up a decent point total. On Sunday night, Johnson (who was last influenced by TV commercials during college when that alluring oldish lady queried, “Where’s the Beef!?!” prompting Johnson to proclaim “Hey, that sounds pretty good right now.” Although we aren’t quite sure to what he was referring.) thought his team took control when QB Brent Farf (13/195) led a Pecker comeback win before taunting the Vikings porous D into a street fight. RB Tony Fisher made his Modano debut with 13 and was given the gameball for his efforts. Meanwhile, Ahole “Put it on the” Green stayed at home with a pinkish bruise. Can we end these comparisons of Fumblin’ Green to St. Walter Payton, who missed one game his entire career (which is half the total that Mr. Greedy – Emmitt Smith held out for). Further reason for optimism for Johnson (who thinks Houston Texans is a stupid sports name. “As if they don’t know where they are from and have to be reminded. How about the Chicago Illinoisians?” Or Green Bay, Arm Pit of the Worldians?) was the uneven performance of the Wookies. Owner Will Mitchell, who is knee deep in his travels of the USA, hawking his mapping skills, needed Drew Bledsoe (13/226) to step up big. Sadly, Bledsoe thought he was still on the Patriots as he threw 4 interceptions to take away his 2 TD’s. RB Deuce McAlister (12/164), despite a twisted ankle, scored three TD’s and kept his team close with 23 points. Notable poor performers were Booger Frankfurtuer (12/64) who laid yet another egg with 1 point and the DL-laden defense (despite leading the league with 20 sacks this season) which combined for 10 points. The Brents held a 19 point edge going into Monday, so they only had to contain Ricky Williams (13/191) along with Jason Taylor (2/5). Zach Thomas (7/40) took care of Taylor but nothing the Brents could do could stop Williams. Johnson conveniently blamed the “BEARS D! Come on! 100 yards and a score I can understand, but that!” “That” was 23 points on two more TD’s, enabling the Wookies to claim their 10th win. Johnson could only lament, “Farf should have looked better against that pathetic team [the Vikings].” When found for comment, the Brent QB was rolling around in his own filth (or perhaps it was Najeh’s).
San Francisco Cubists 141 East Bay Sisters 63 It is strange for it to be December and for the Cubists to be somewhere other than first place. Perhaps it has been Owner Jason Moore’s dalliance with operating behind the scenes while letting security guards and ghosts do the coaching. Whatever it is, the winner of three Modano championships is going to have to start hauling ass to win his 4th (and third consecutively). After the stunning Week 13 loss to the bottom dwelling Losers, Owner Rob Ouaou, who thinks the Baltimore Ravens is a perfectly stupid name, might have thought that the Cubists would be looking over his struggling team, but such was not the case. As if reminded of 1999 once again, the Cubists struck with a ferocity that has not been seen this season. The touchdowns rained mercilessly down on the pathetic Brothers and the best Ouaou could do was creep back to his cave and weep. On this Sunday, QB Brad Johnson (2/50) was the ringleader as he directed the assault with 4 TD’s and 33 points. “Big Time” Brad, who was given the gameball by Moore (who was completely sold by the Freedom Rock ads – after 118 viewings), seems to be mastering the intricacies of the Gruden offense and it is just in time for the Cubists. Two of Johnson’s TD launches were hauled in by the league’s leading WR – Terrell Owens (13/157) who had his fourth game this season with 20 or more (20 pts). The running attack was also on cruise control as three of the four Cubists RB’s scored TD’s and were paced by a couple of all pro performances by Fred Taylor (13-126) in his first all pro game since Week 7 and Jamal Lewis (12-104) in his first 15+ game since Week 6. K John Carney (13/107) had the best day of all league kickers (13 pts.) and the defense chipped in 25 to the season high for the Cubists. Moore, who agrees with some that the Utah Jazz is a dumb name, didn’t think TE Tony Gonzalez (13/77) played very well since he only scored 2 pts, but Gonzalez did block like a mofo. The Brothers, who have been dubbed the Sisters by none other than infrequent interviewee Ouaou, were led – once again – by RB Priest Holmes (14/272). Holmes, who was given a gameball for his troubles, scored a couple more TD’s and had 21 points. Ouaou blamed part of his troubles on the lack of advanced scouting through this box that needs a plug on which one can see moving pictures. No plugs in the cave, we guess. The Sisters also received TD’s from Peyton Manning (11/173) and a sweet one from Zach Crockett (3/15). The OF, which has not scored about 13 points this season, had 10 and the DF, which actually had two players going, had 15. Despite the worst beating in franchise history, Ouaou claimed to be an optimist (“I have changed my team in weeks and expect to win.”), although he summed up his Week 14 experience by saying, “We suck.” The Cubists also set a team record for margin of victory (68) bettering a 134-57 blowout of the Wookies in 2001. Moore (the only pessimist in the league – his example, “I am confident the media will twist my words, as usual.”) commented, “The supernatural mumbo-jumbo is over. This is what we're capable of when we focus on running, passing, and tackling.”
Bull City Bears 74 Einar’s Lovable Losers 65 Quickly, if you were to guess which team has scored more points this season between the 10-4 Bull City Bears and the 3-11 Veaselicious Cookies, who would you guess? Surely, the Bears who have won 71% of their games would have scored more than the moribund Cookies, right? Wrong. Through 14 games, the Bears have scored 1118 points and the Cookies have scored 1138. The lesson in this little story? In fantasy football, as long as you try (i.e. change your lineup weekly – pick up a player now and then), it is better to be lucky than good. This year Owner Randy Chambers is using the lucky (aka Josh Wilk) method to win. Whatever it takes. The Bears had the fortune of playing the Losers the week after they scored 114 points. The same Loser lineup was sure not to score as much in Week 14, so Chambers let his charges have a lax week of practice. After a memorable Wedneday practice, Chambers announced the end of the day by shouting, “Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em,” which caused keeper WR Randy Moss (13/92) to produce an enormous bong and three dime bags. While this kind of lenient policy may not work in the long term, it allowed Moss to feel a bit looser than he had in weeks. He finally scored a TD in a beautiful play with returning QB Daunte Culpepper (10/109). Culpepper (14 pts) scored again on a QB sneak and handed off to Stephen Davis (13/93) for the other Bear score. Daunte and Randy were each given gameballs for the wacky performances and caused Chambers to comment, “I am absolutely, positively an optimist. No doubt about it. For example, with the league leader in picks and the reigning [Pussier Award Winner] MDP (Most Dissappointing Player), I believe I can win the Modano trophy this year.” Chambers, who, “alas, must confess that Redskins is the worst team name in sports,” received 18 points from the DF – led by Al Wilson’s (5/46) 10 – and 17 from the OF. Nevertheless, the Bears were passed for best OF by the Brents. By the way, the Bears are now 5-0 in games decided by less than 10 points. As for the Owner Steve “the Einar” Olsen, what can we say? Lightning rarely strikes twice, so it seems that the Losers’ 114-point days are over. It surely doesn’t help to have a fairy and a drunk in your lineup. It was completely unsurprising that Terri “the Fairy” Glenn (11/33) did not play due to a oowie, while Jumbotron Smith (12/85) stayed at home drinking ice cold Coors Lite. The only gamer on the team this season has been Steve “Care” McNair (11/168) who played despite numerous injuries and problems with his bionic implants. McNair had his fifth all pro game (16 pts) and threw a TD to Marcus Pollard (10/40). LaDainian Tomlinson (13/193) scored the final Loser TD, but there simply wasn’t enough ammo in the Einar gun. Chambers, who no longer buys Dockers due to their inane ads, said, “A win is a win. We take them any way we can. Brunell brought the light of Christ to the team, and has blessed Daunte with his mighty left arm.” In addendum, Brunell did not play because he just realized that Sunday was Christ’s day, but no one was sure how this would affect his future in football.
Syracuse 44’s 91 Veaselicious Cookies 81 Truth be told – this has been a down year for the Cookies. While as reported earlier, they have scored enough points to win more games overall, each week they seem to fall just a wee bit short. After months of searching for an answer, we seem to have been enlightened – young Amber Weitz who regularly fired the team up with fiery talks of winning, determination and hop skotch has had to concentrate on her elementary school studies and has left her father, Owner Dan Weitz, to make the speeches. While the elder Weitz (who had to admit he was sold by “Girls gone Wild. Seeing the comericial like 100 times watching Howard Stern on E! finally broke me down. OK, maybe it only took 2 times.”) has plenty of fire, but his pre-game talks generally degrade into sagas of Titan games won in the past or just the mantra “Screw Einar! Screw Einar! Screw Einar!” The team just doesn’t know how to respond. In Week 14, the Cookies defense played well, according to their owner, but “the offense sucked.” The Cookie DF did accrue 27 points, led by Jamie Sharper’s (11/95) second all pro performance. The Cookie OF had its worst day with only 5 points total. Weitz commented that they reminded him of the worst name in sports: the Packers (“too easy, next question.”) The Packers were also named for worst colors, worst sportsmanship, worst stadium, worst cheerleaders, worst owner, worst food, and, of course, worst fans. Weitz also said that he considered himself “an Optimist: I want the Peckers to lose every week and my glass right now is half full well maybe 1/3rd, oops now its empty.” The only members of the offense who were on key were QB Tom Brady (8/128) and WR Eric Moulds (12/111) who connected for 2 TD’s. Now, 81 points might have been enough to beat the Bears, but the Cookies were facing the hot Syracuse 44’s. Winners of 4 in a row coming in, the 44’s had been leaning on QB Michael Vick (8/141) like they had a certain other QB who is currently undergoing the common Envy bionic implant therapy. Vick was slugged by the Tampa D and could only score 8 points, so Owner John Stoer looked to his other former Envy player to score TD’s. RB Eddie George (12/98) was more than happy to comply as he scored twice from short range. Stoer gave the gameball to his rookies, William Green (who was making his first start) and Roy Williams. Both of them scored 14. Their inspired play reminded Stoer of something: “'Budweiser- proud sponsor of the World Cup presents this first half commercial free.' I'll drink to that.” Did someone say World Cup?... [Oops, I fell asleep just thinking about soccer – 2 hours later…] Meanwhile, the play of Nate Wayne (3/12) surprised no one except for Stoer who claimed it was “stinkier than Gilbert Brown’s toilet.” [oh, excuse me but that imagery made me sick to my stomach – after retching and puking for two more hours, I am back…] His play was so bad (how bad was it?!?) it reminded Stoer of the worst team name in sports – the Phoenix Suns: “There is nothing more distinctive in Phoenix than the [rising and setting] SUN!?!” K Martin Gramatica (13/102) also had a fine game for the 44’s with 10 points. Stoer commented, “We played fine, but really, Dan's club didn't seem as fired up as when we have faced him in the past. There was no fire, no intensity, no fear of God in them. Clearly, they miss the Amber factor. We'll take the W though.” Stoer then looked into the future and called himself an optimist because, “I know that it may not be this year, it may not be next year or the year after that, but one of these damn times I am going to kick the Cubists ass.” Weitz said, “Emmitt begged me to play against the Redskin loving 44's but I told him he had to prepare to move Payton out of Cooperstown so he could have his spot.” It would be pretty hard to move the Payton wing for the holdout, Alf-friend king.
P-Miss Envy 84 County Coroners 69 It was back to the basics for Owner Chad Callahan Nuss and his County Coroners. Knowing that their bread and butter is the Oakland Raiders, Nuss decided to start an unprecedented 8 Raiders in his lineup with only a Bear, Jet and Ram messing up the silver and black attack. Meanwhile, a frustrated Owner Perry Missner who had seen his team lose 4 in a row, decided to deemphasize his beloved Bear attack. Only WR Marty Booker (12/101) was in the lineup due to the rest of the Envy Bears being questionable or out with injuries, including the leading defenseman LB Brian Urlacher. Without their Captain, the Envy rallied around a bunch of young, scrappy unknowns. QB Chad Pennington (3/48) was unable to keep his all pro streak going, but did score 14 points. TD’s were also scored by Antowain Smith (13/98), Dee Brown and Marty Booker who was given the game ball for a season’s worth of fine play. K David Akers (13/115) continued to be the league’s number one kicker and the Urlacherless defense scored 19. Randy McMichael continued to play senselessly (much like the team name of the Utah Jazz – perhaps the Utah Mormon Tabernacle Choir would be better). Missner, “who is generally influenced by ads not to buy products - Shaq and BK, Grant Hill and Sprite, idiots and Taco Bell,” considers himself an optimist. For example, “when Donovan McNabb, which pretty much killed my team (looking at it as a realist), I knew Pennington would be an adequate replacement. I always say, ‘Expect the worst, hope for the best.’” The worst for the Coroners was that the Raiders would not score many TD’s. They did score 3, but the Coroners were unable to take advantage to turn those 3 TD’s into a monopoly to make four or more. In fact, only RB Charlie Garner (11/117) scored a Raider/Coroner TD. Curtis Martin (11/84) had the other Coroner TD as both running backs tallied 9 points. QB Rich Gannon (13/261) was unable to reach pay dirt but did get 10 points for his 300+ yards. TE Doug Jolley (3/10) had his best game with 6 points and K Sebastian Janakowski (11/100) has the highest average for any kicker playing in the majority of his team’s games. Nevertheless, the loss frustrated Nuss so much he was unable to comment. Missner was at no loss for words, “It's nice to win. I generally thought it really doesn't matter, but I didn't want my team sinking to the bottom because I have worked pretty hard to keep them competitive. We have a bunch of players that I hadn't even heard of before the season, but we'll keep knockin' them out there. I'd like to give a special shout out to Coach Callahan for not trying one yards passes to the TE or WR at the goal line. Give it to those big backs - Wheatley and Crockett!”
Week 15 previews - For the two 10-4 teams, Week 15 holds some danger. Both the Wookies and Bears could be looking past their next opponent to their Week 16 matchup that could well determine this year’s Modano championship. But, before that happens the Bears have to hit the road to the County and play the Coroners. Neither player has changed their lineup, but both teams have pegged keepers – for the Bears, they plan to bring back Moss, Culpepper and Heinz Ward. The Coroners plan to bring back Rich Gannon, Tim Brown and Charlie Garner. Wise picks – all. In Week 6, the Bears stopped the Coroners by a 98-59 margin and they hold a 7-2 series advantage. Chambers commented, “We're hoping we get as lucky as we did last time we faced off against the County.” The Raiders, by the way, take on the tough Miami Dolphins, who are coming off a hard won Monday night battle. Some might think the Peaks Island Wookies have it a bit easier by taking the league’s ugly step-sister, Einar’s Lovable Losers. With Steve “Chair” McNair on the his side, the Einar always has a chance. The Losers hold a 3-2 series edge despite the Week 6 98-101 loss to the Wookies. The Einar won’t be helped if he keeps the fairy and the drunk in his lineup, but it’s his team and he can do whatever he wants with it. The only lineup change for the Wookies so far has been a very positive one – the withdrawl of Booger Frankfurter and the insertion of Christian Fauria. Christian, may all of your catches be of the TD-persuasion. The high-scoring, third place Cubists hit the road to take on the Cookies. In Week 6, the Cubists blitzed the Cookies 112-76 and hold a 7-2 series advantage. After the Week 6 game, Dudley Moore revealed himself to be the coach of the team. Could he make a cameo in this battle? Neither team has changed their lineup, but Moore was being cautious when he said, “We can't get caught up scoreboard-watching. We'll just try to take care of our business, and see what happens.” He will need the Bears to lose twice more since the Bears hold the tie breaker with the season sweep of the Cubists. The Cubists beat the Wookies in their one matchup. A feisty Weitz claimed, “The Cubists will not win another league championship if I have anything to say about it!!!” And he will. Both the Brents and 44’s still have slim championship hopes, each being two games out with three to play, but they will need to win to stay alive and hope for the top teams to lose. Owner John Stoer has placed former Brent Donte Stallworth in the lineup, while Owner Steve Johnson goes with the same lineup. In Week 6, the Brents won 87-53 to take a 4-3 series lead, but that was before the 44’s put a little Vick in a bottle and started reeling off wins. They have currently won 5 in a row. Johnson commented on the game, “10 wins looked like a sure thing early on but now I have to kicking some ass just to get there.” Meanwhile, Stoer said, “With still little realistic shot at the title, we continue to play for pride. The Brents provide a tough matchup, but I'd expect this week to be the week of The Edge. He is looking to have his first breakout game as a 44 and there is no other team he'd rather do it against than the Brents. Those stories he's told about Farve and those farm animals can't be true, can they?” Yes, they can and worse – what about the farm animals filth! Finally, two teams without any playoff aspirations are playing out the string at Spurtability.com Fields. The P-Miss Envy whipped the East Bay Sisters 74-44 in their Week 6 game to take a 6-1 series lead. Although Owner Rob Ouaou crawled out of his cave to change his lineup, he didn’t comment on this matchup. He also left Chad Brown and Ike Hilliard in the lineup, although Jerome “Pathetic” Pathon is out – replaced by Laverneus Coles. Amani Toomer and Brian Urlacher make their returns to the Envy lineup as the Envy go for their second straight win. Owner Perry Missner said menacingly, “It is obvious that Rob Ouaou fears me: he doesn't respond to the media's taunts and refuses to change his broken lineup. I won't hurt you, Rob, but the Envy is going to whip some Brother butt!”
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