Einar’s Luvable Losers 114 San Francisco Cubists 96 A funny thing happened to the Cubists on the way to their 9th victory – the Losers somehow banded together and brought off the upset win of the season. Unlike the Ottergate Bowl of 1999, the Cubists did not play down to their competition (they scored exactly their average at 96), but for the second time this season, the Losers put on a TD assault – led by QB Steve “Don’t You Dare Call Me a Loser” McNair (10/152). Insiders have told us that RB Lamar Smith (11/85) promised to check into rehab if the Losers won. Jumbotron figured that the good times would continue to roll and he could keep running drunk for the rest of the season, but McNair and his new sidekick, LaDainian Tomlinson (12/183), really thought the loaded Jumbotron needed help and decided to intervene – with TD’s. Owner Steve “the Einar” Olsen, who could be mistaken for Stanley Spector, praised both players for their ability to help people in need. McNair and Tomlinson found the endzone three times (all three in the same quarter for Tomlinson) and combined for 65 points to set the Losers on the other path as the Losers scored 114 for the second time (both wins). Tomlinson even received a gameball from Sir Dudley Moore, which the runner claimed to be his most prized trophy yet. One of McNair’s beautiful spirals was snatched by Derrick Mason (10/48) who had 13 points. Marcus Pollard (9/30) had the 8th and final Loser TD as he managed 7 points to offset the usual Tony Gonzalez (12/75) production. Gonzalez did score his first TD in many weeks to get 10 points and was one of 6 Cubists in double figures. Dudley, who guessed there have been 1,000,000,000 Cokes served ever, has been at odds all season with brash WR Terrell Owens (12/137) and had no problem cussing the league’s #1 WR out after his 3 point performance. The normally jubilant ghost was reported to repeatedly cussed at Owens (“Bloody hell!”) as the received was unable to score against the Seahawks in Sharpie Bowl II. The Cubists did receive TD’s from three of their four runners – Barber (7/81), Taylor (12/111) and Dillon (12/114) – while the other, Jamal Lewis (11/88) had 8 all on yards. The teams’ stewardship was maintained by new QB Brad Johnson (1/17) who kept the ball away from Ronde Barber (7/32) unlike Aaron Brooks. Moore, who claimed the loss was as bitter as Tofurkey, said about the loss, “Sorry, but I have lost my sense of humor. I have been informed that my services are no longer required by the Cubists. Never mind that their record with me is 8-2... still, I accomplished my goal and I should be able to get into heaven now. Our team did a bang-up job. We just couldn't keep up with Tomlinson and McNair. Maybe the Envy weren't the problem, just their quarterback.” It could be that Owner Jason Moore, the Big Earl Partridge of the league, had been plotting his return for some time now, but if Sir Dudley isn’t admitted into heaven, things could get dicey.
Bull City Bears 93 Veaselicious Cookies 78 With the Cubists falling to one team in central Wisconsin, Owner “Feisty” Randy Chambers knew that he could gain first place admittance with a victory over another Wisconsinite, Owner Dan Weitz (who makes some think of Quiz Kid Donnie Smith). Chambers could rely on one fairly important person being in his corner – Jesus. It seems that starting QB Mark Brunell (4/54), unlike keeper QB Duante Culpepper, has a direct connection to the son of God and that has been keeping the Bears in the win column. Brunell used his supernatural influence to guide 2 passes to the endzone, one falling into the capable hands of fellow Champion of Christ Frank Wycheck (12/27) who is starting to come on in the late season. Jesus decided not to let anyone else score a TD until they renounced all of other religions but his, which left WR Randy Moss (12/85) in a quandary. “Does that mean I have to stop worshipping myself?” asked the whiny bitch. K Jason Elam (9/77) made a triumphant return to the starting lineup with 9 points and inspired fellow Bronco Al Wilson (4/36) to notch his first all pro performance – all on tackles. Chambers, who guessed 357 trillion Cokes have been served, was not pleased with Redskins Coach Steve Spurrier who not only wouldn’t give the ball to RB Stephen Davis (12/82) but also did not help the Redskins to a win on Thanksgiving – something that hasn’t happened in Chambers’ lifetime. Meanwhile, the Cookies were trying to overcome some poor performances to get their 4th win. QB Tom Brady (7/110) had a tough turkey day with only 4 points and the defense reminded Weitz “of Cookie defenses of old - just plain terrible.” Weitz, who counts turkey as the craziest thing he has ever eaten for Thanksgiving and guessed that 100 gazillion (not a bad guess) Cokes have been served, gave gameballs to his Bills – Travis Henry (9/92) and Eric Moulds (11/94). Moulds set a Cookie season high at WR. Jimmy Smith (10/72) also scored a TD and allowed Weitz to summon the only decent joke conveyed in the interviews: “What does a 2-ton canary say? TWEET!!!!!” Oh, that’s rich. Although that joke was funny, Weitz angered some with his postgame comments, “Well we were up for the role of spoiler again but the team stunk it up. We made a mistake by not playing ‘media darling’ Emmitt Smith and it hurt us. Does anyone remember who the 2nd all-time leading rusher was anymore? Was it Eddie Lee Ivory? I guess it really doesn’t matter who it was because there can only be 1 guy at the top.” Rgrgrggrhh… Old Mr. Feisty also commented and angered Weitz, “When the Bus is in the lineup, the Bears are unbeatable, baby!! We had all of our good luck charms -- Bus, Heinz, Stephen -- going, plus the Lord [Jesus] was on our side, as was Frank Wycheck. What more can you ask for, other than the Redskins beating the no-account, chump-ass Cowgirls?!”
Peaks Island Wookies 133 P-Miss Envy 57 Most pundits expected another instant classic matchup between the Wookies and Envy like their 102-88 Wookie win of Week 4. But, sadly, only one team showed up as the Wookies put the largest hurting on Owner Perry Missner’s (the Phil Parma of the league) team in Wookie history (usurping the 68 point Week 11 blowout against the Brothers). The seemingly empty Envy D, once the pride of the league, has not only stopped trying to keeping the other team from scoring – allowing 100+ points for the 7th time this season – but also stopped scoring themselves. The trio combined for a season low 7 points with Brian Urlacher (12/105), the league’s leading scorer for the defense contributing just 1 point. League leading kicker David Akers (12/105) also had an off game with just 4 points. With the team’s two leading scorers not doing well, the Envy had to rely on other sources of income – they didn’t happen. Missner, who once ate Indian food in Amherst, MA for Thanksgiving not to mention the stupendous steak and Slurpee meal at Windom Place, gave the gameball to live wire Chad Johnson (3/33) who had 11 points. His 11 were equaled on Thursday by Antowain Smith. TE Randy McMichael (9/24) has become a joke with ever diminishing performances, like a -3 in this game. Speaking of jokes, did you hear the one about the priest, the rabbi and the imam who go into a bar. The rabbi says, “Is this a joke?” While the Envy were stumbling and bumbling, the Wookies were assaulting the endzone repeatedly. QB Drew “Gameballs” Bledsoe (12/216) shook off a string of mediocre performances to hit pay dirt four times for 34 points. His receivers included Joe Horn (9/91), the nameless, crappy tight end (11/63) and Deuce McAlister (11/146). Ricky Williams (12/168) provided the ground support with two TD’s and 27 points. Mitchell, also known as Jimmy Gator, once ate chocolate turkey for Thanksgiving. Teddy Bruschi (2/22) was as smooth as chocolate in getting the rare defensive TD and 13 points. Mitchell, who incorrectly guessed that 733 billion Cokes have been served, said, “Looks like we shook off the doldrums and came out firing. Falling out of first was a real wake up call. Still working on the defense, but our offense is hitting stride again for the home stretch.” A glum Missner, who correctly said that 6 trillion Cokes have been served since he recently visited the World of Coke in Atlanta said of his team and its now longest losing streak in team history (4 games), “It's clear that the Envy have given up on 2002. It's time to play the pups, figure out a third keeper for next year and get ready for fantasy baseball. Congrats to the Wookies for wiping us off the map.”
Brentful Brents 105 County Coroners 70 It has been an interesting season for Owner Steve Johnson and his Brentful Brents. They have consistently been among the top teams in the league, but have been unable to get over that one hurdle to make a claim at the championship. Just one game back of the four horsemen of the Modano throne, the Brents had to beat one of their superiors just to keep pace. The team in opposition was Owner Chad Callahan Nuss’s surprising County Coroners who had put a season high 143 points on the board in Week 4. Nuss knew his team would be playing from behind because he had only 3 players going on Sunday. Making matters worse, the three only scored 7 points. Making matters even worse, the Brents put 98 points on the board. To no one’s surprise, the Brents were led by two non-Packers in the offensive flex. RB Garrison Hearst (8/80) had a career day with three TD’s and 27 points. Johnson exclaimed in a tone much like Officer Jim Kurring, “Way to validate that trade, Garrison!” Not to be outdone, rookie RB Clinton Portis (7/104) had a couple of TD’s and 24 points. The two were not helped by Warrick Dunn’s (4/24) 0, but still managed a season high from the Brent OF. The performances of the top three were not terribly funny – much like “Rectum? It nearly killed him! Ba boom! Fun 40 years ago, funny today.” I like it – I just don’t like it like it. QB Brent Farf (12/182) put his past two MVP-killing games to rest with 13 points on a bunch of crap TD’s. Ahole “Put it on the” Green (10/119) managed to injure himself once again and only managed 5 points. TE Anthony Brecht (11/34) made Johnson shout “TEs are wimps” for his 0-point performance. For some reason, Johnson then yelled, “What the Hell is a Yam!” On Monday, the Coroners were relying on a big performance from their 7 Raiders and one Jet. Happily, for Nuss, the Raiders won and used K Sebastian Janakowski (10/91) early and often for his first all pro performance of 15 points. Unfortunately, all of those FG’s were missed opportunities in the red zone and not TD’s. Rich Gannon (12/251) managed to score 18 points on just one score and Jerry Rice (12/105) caught it. Curtis Martin (10/75) and Jerry Porter (3/16) never got it going as the Coroner OF (with Moe Williams – 5/28) scored a season low 4 points. One of the few non-Coroner/Raiders, LB Eric Barton (3/23) had 8 points to get the Brents over the 100 point hump (for the third time this season), which caused Johnson to snicker, “How about Barton chipping in to bring down his team.”
Syracuse 44’s 81 East Bay Brothers 62 Few things in life are certain. Fewer things in the land of Modano are certain. But, the most regular occurrence that we can find is that when the 44’s and Brothers (in their many forms) match up, the 44’s win. Coming into the season there were three rivalries that were completely one-sided. Then the Wookies beat the Bears and the Cookies beat the Losers. Now, in the immortal words of Highlanders 1, 2, 3 and end game “there can be only one.” The 44’s have now beaten Owner Rob Ouaou led teams six straight times. This season the Brothers have had the misfortune to hit the league’s streakiest team in their two pockets of wins. The 44’s started out the season with a couple of losses, followed by three wins, followed by 4 losses, which has now been followed by 4 wins. How does Owner John Stoer keep his head intact during this yo-yo season? Certainly not by eating “mango/pineapple stuffing, which was for a fruit-themed Thanksgiving that did not go over so well.” It could be that Stoer has had the good fortune to have steady and excellent QB play all season long. Since coming to the 44’s three games ago, Michael Vick (7/133) has been an all pro machine and he continued that streak with three TD’s and 24 points. Eddie George (11/83) also had his second good performance for the 44’s. In a related note, Chris Chambers has scored 5 points in two games for the Envy while a certain someone recuperates at home. Stoer, never known for his subtlety much like Frank TJ Mackey, said, “I don't know any jokes, but I do know about this guy who traded Michael Vick for Donovan McNabb the week that McNabb got hurt and...” RGGRGHRgrgrhhrg. The only other 44 TD came on a Thanksgiving present from Cowboy rookie Roy Williams (6/44) who clinched the Cowboy win over the Redskins. What a shame. Fortunately, for the 44’s, they were playing the Brothers who routinely put out less than a full team. The Brothers received their usual goose eggs from Hilliard, Brown and TeBucky with Jerome Pathon (4/6) joining the fun. It is a shame that a player such as Priest Holmes (12/251) is being wasted on this bottom dwelling team as Holmes scored 22 points for his 8th all pro performance. The Brothers also received TD’s from Peyton Manning (10/167), Todd Heap (12/48) and Zack Crockett (2/9). Ouaou, who last accessed his team on November 19, has never had more than 13 points from his OF. Nevertheless, Stoer commented, “Rob is a gentleman and a scholar and he guides his Brothers with a wisdom here-to-for unseen in the world of man. But more importantly, he lives and breathes the sportsman code: No player will lose his job due to injury. That is why he is revered in the East Bay and respected in lockerrooms around the country.”p>
Week 14 previews - The jumble at the top of the standings might have thinned out a bit, but we still have two teams tied for the lead, three teams one game out and the hard-charging 44’s (who have the longest current winning streak at 4) heading up the standings. The marquis matchup this week features the Brents traveling to Peaks Island to take on the Wookies. The Brents dealt the Wookies their first loss in Week 5 – 121-79 – to tie the series history at 3 apiece. Owner Will Mitchell has gone back to his foundations with a 3 DL DF with additions of Jason Taylor and Simeon Rice. Sacks are worth three points apiece. Mitchell commented, “The Bre[n]ts are a good team. They put up a hundred plus this week and we'll have to be clicking to take them down. But I think too many packers and a Jet will wind up hurting them. We're hungry for a championship.” Owner Steve Johnson has returned Peerless Price to the lineup along with Duce Staley (going against the Seahawks). Johnson doomed himself to some late season losses by saying, “All or nothing this week! It gets alot easier after this.” The co-leading Bull City Bears head to Einartown to take on the Losers. Owner Randy Chambers can thank the Einar for the Cubists not being in first place, but he must not take Steve “Swear” McNair and his friends lightly. Chambers said, “We're taking them one at a time. If LaDainian, I mean the Einar, can beat Jamo, he's got our full attention.” Jesus freak Mark Brunell is still in the lineup that hasn’t changed yet from Week 13. The Einar took out injured Isiaih Kacyvenski who had put up three successive 0’s and replaced him Ronald McKinnon. Now, if he could just get that drunken Jumbotron out of the lineup. In Week 5, the Bears hammered the Losers, 101-44 to even the series at 2 apiece. The aforementioned Cubists stay at home to take on the East Bay Brothers who they have beaten 6 times in a row including a 99-91 thriller in Week 5. Owner Jason Moore seems to have reclaimed his team from the apparitional Dudley Moore, but that isn’t to say that Sir Dudley is finished with the team. For the record, ghostly Dudley said, “Frankly, I could give a rat's ass. By Sunday I expect to find two beautiful angels [perhaps Mama Cass and Phyllis Diller] to make a Dudley sandwich.” But, we have a feeling that Moore could come back to the field and influence the play “Angels in the Outfield” style to go against the only man who ever fired him. To no one’s surprise, Ouaou has left his lineup intact – maimed players and all. Meanwhile, Moore has reinstated Lance Schulters in the lineup and looks to go with Brad Johnson again. In a bit of revenge match, the Syracuse 44’s host the Veaselicious Cookies. While the Week 5 98-63 win gave the 44’s the series edge at 5-4, they still haven’t forgotten about last year when they had serious championship aspirations. Owner John Stoer said, “Last year Dan screwed my whole season. You'd think we'd be looking for revenge, but since our season is already shot, we're just looking to keep the winning streak alive and stay healthy enough to take down the Cubists and Wookies the last two weeks of the season.” Stoer will try out nice pick up William Green, but has made a mistake in placing Nate Wayne in the lineup. Owner Dan Weitz doesn’t seem to be focusing on the other team. He commented, “I have no idea who I play because Sandbox blows so I'm going to say what I always say do I play the einar this week?” Needless to say, he hasn’t changed his lineup, although we are sure Emmitt would love to score on the team that traded him for worthless Chris Chambers. Last, but certainly not least, we have the County Coroners crossing the country to take on the downtrodden P-Miss Envy. The Coroners labeled the Envy in Week 5 – 128-86 – to take a 6-3 series advantage. Owner Perry Missner, who hopes to stop the bleeding at 4 games, said, “Who are the Raiders playing? [the Chargers – c’mon Marty!] They are our only hope. We'd like to get back to .500, but the emphasis in practice this week is going to be scoring TD's.” Missner has seen his luck turn sour since the basketball season started. Maybe his fantasy basketball team has infected everything. Damn you, Shaq! The Envy will try out Panther RB Dee Brown along with 2001 Don Sweeney candidate Kendrell Bell. Owner Chad Callahan Nuss has stood pat with his Raider-oriented lineup.
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