San Francisco Cubists 91 P-Miss Envy 81 When Owner Jason Moore looks back at his 2002 champion Cubists, he will know that there were two turning points in the season. The first occurred in Week 3 when the Cubists were routed by the P-Miss Envy 118-79 and he took leave of his ownership � leaving first a security guard named Fritz played by dead actor Dudley Moore, then the ghost of Dudley Moore himself. But before Sir Dudley (who couldn�t reveal the last time he had been showerless � �There are a couple months in my life that are basically unaccounted for.�) could leave his post, there was the matter of the game against arch-rival Owner Perry Missner. Missner, the media�s darling, had trouble settling on a lineup to defeat the Cubists once again. He decided to go against the book and go with hunches and heart � as Owner John Stoer said earlier this season, �Hunches lead to losses� or something to that effect. Hunch#1 was recently acquired Keyshawn Johnson (3/8), who was playing with an undisclosed rib injury. Johnson should have been able to torch the inept Packer secondary, but could only come up with 5 points. Hunch #2 was Antowain Smith (11/77) going against the lightweight Viking D. Result: a similar 5 points. While these hunches failed, the Envy bench was going nutty. Koren Robinson, Amani Toomer, Marcel Shipp and Marty Booker were all in the Envy lineup at one point during the week, but all found themselves on the bench at week�s end. They combined for 56 points, leaving Missner slack-jawed. There were some plusses for Missner, who cleaned his two toilets last Tuesday because Tuesday is toilet cleaning day, as first time starter QB Chad Pennington (1/17) had a nice game and was given the gameball. Pennington became the 5th different QB for the Envy to post an all pro game. James Fenderson (1/8) came out of the hinterlands to score 8 and Chad Johnson (2/22) continued his sparkling play with 10 points of yards. The defense kicked in 26 for Missner who believes that REO Speedwagon might rock harder than Enrique Iglesias. Meanwhile, the Cubist runners who did not score in Week 11 showed some grit in Week 12. Tiki Barber (6/21) scored 13 and Corey Dillon (11/103) found the endzone twice for 16. The Sunday air attack was all but grounded though as QB Aaron Brooks (8/134) threw for negative yards (-2) and Tony �1 game� Gonzalez scored 3. Once again, the Envy-Cubist match came down to Monday night. The Envy held a 5 point advantage with the league�s #1 K David Akers (11/101) going, but the Cubists countered with the league�s #1 WR �Terrell Owens (11/134). Sir Dudley, who last cleaned the toilet in the 1960�s when Keith Moon - who used to rock harder than anyone - puked up a lethal dose of vodka, soft-boiled eggs and split pea soup, had a winner when Owens scored a couple of TD�s with 23 points to trump Akers� 8. Missner was going for the clean sweep, but instead got dirty like the time he �spent about 3 days tramping around the Thailand woods without a shower. I rode and elephant (it smelled better than I did) and floated down murderous rapids (which caused me to sweat even more) on a bamboo raft. Civilization never felt so good.� Missner, whose team has now been the high to lose three weeks in a row, further commented on the game, �It had to happen. I knew the Cubists would beat the Envy sooner or later, but I wish it hadn't happened because of my stinky (or just unlucky) roster maneuverings. I played with my the lineup all week long instead of just putting some boys out there and sticking with it. From now on, it's the Rob Ouaou method for me. Well, not quite that unobtrusive.� Meanwhile, the ghost of Dudley Moore exclaimed, �Oscar material! First, my character accomplishes the task required to free me from purgatory, by ending the Cubist losing streak to the Envy. Then, just as the Cubists dump Gatorade over my head, I vanish. Cut to Pearly Gates. A smiling St. Peter glides over to shake my hand. But wait! I look longingly at Chris Farley waving a giant bottle of gin, then turn and whisper something in St. Pete's ear... fade to black.�
Veaselicious Cookies 79 Peaks Island Wookies 59 It has become known as the trap game � a game against an overmatched opponent that a team doesn�t focus on, then gets their butts whupped. The Wookies may have been looking ahead to their Week 13 matchup against the Envy and didn�t seem prepared for what the Cookies and Owner Dan Weitz brought. The Cookies motto has long been �no one knows more about playing for pride alone than us.� With Owner Will Mitchell, it always starts at the top with QB Drew Bledsoe (11/182). Bledsoe has not been on his A-game of late and Week 12 was no different. Bledsoe had trouble finding open receivers and decided to throw the ball to the other team instead. The big QB was not helped by two of his main weapons sitting out much of the game with injuries as Deuce McAlister (10/134) showed why people were concerned with his durability and Curtis �the Difference Maker� Conway (9/57) suffered a should stinger and scored 0. Get well soon, Curtis. Troy Brown (7/35) found the endzone and Ricky Williams(11/14) did his damnedest with 21 points to get a win for the Wookies. Mitchell made an unbelievable blunder by leaving TE Booger Frankfurter (10/55) in the lineup instead of favorite son, Christian Fauria who scored 10 more points that Booger. Rod Smith also scored 10 which would have really helped the Wookies cause. While the Wookies were fumbling around, the Cookies took advantage. Weitz, who has never cleaned the toilet, gave the gameball to James �It�s a Wonderful Life� Stewart (4/30) who stammered for a TD in a losing cause against the Chicago Bears. The Wookies also received TD�s from Travis Henry (8/75), Chad Lewis (6/17) and Steve Beuerlein (1/6), but Weitz didn�t think Beuerlein played to his potential �yes, the weather conditions were bad but come on your old so you should be cagey.� Cagey � like John Tesh? The ever-alert Weitz, who has only gone �maybe a day or 2 [without a shower] but that�s like my morning wake up call,� also received a nice 23 points from the defensive flex. The Cookies once again passed the Brothers for the worst overall record (0.338 against 0.333) won in their first non-blowout fashion. Weitz commented, �It�s good to show that the cookies can still mess [things] up even from the bottom. How bout them Losers only scoring 19 points that must be some sort of record for crappiness not even equaled by the cookies.� Not even close. The Wookies have now lost three of four and are in danger of collapsing out of sight.
Bull City Bears 96 Brentful Brents 70 With the Wookies going down, both of these teams had a shot at a piece of first place, so intensity was at an all time high. Owner Randy Chambers has been in this rarified air before only to have his team come up short, but this is more or less new ground for Owner Steve Johnson and his Brentful Brents. Unfortunately, for Johnson, cleaned the toilet last month (�really!�), he is relying on inbred moron QB Brent Farf (11-169) who is having trouble calling plays and making accurate throws these days. This week Farf was more interested in jawing with the opposing defense than playing the game as he threw 4 int�s and managed to tie his season low with just 2 points. Johnson rated Farf�s performance as rank as �the time Probably when me and my bro were up north for 8 days kayaking (including driving time) and had no need, being all natural like.� Farf�s lone TD did go to Donald Driver (9/83) but his pathetic fake passes 10 seconds after the play did help Ahole �Put it on the� Green (9/111) score more than 6. Johnson, who agreed with Chambers that Enrique Iglesias doesn�t hold a candle to his Poppy, gave the gameball to Clinton Portis (6/80) and held out a carrot to the young star by claiming he �was rounding into keeper status.� The Bears, meanwhile, seem to be a different team under the direction of Christ�s Champion Mark Brunell (3/38). While Brunell was only able to manage 7 points, his fervent rantings pushed Stephen Davis (11/79) to a higher place with 3 TD�s and 23 points. Brunell also seems to speak the same language as Heinz Ward (9/113) who had his second consecutive all pro game with 16. Chambers, who cleaned the toilet on Saturday just before Jamo came for a visit, was suddenly reminded of �Berg's bachelor party, we rented a primitive cabin in the Shenandoah mountains for a night. Man, the stench coming off of six of us after 24 hours of drinking, eating and Tugwell "rejecting consumption" was ferocious.� Even Shaun Alexander (10/133) after his one game outburst was resurrected and scored 21 points. Even Frank Wycheck (11/19) showed up scoring his first non-naught in 5 weeks. Yes, they were only two points, but, as all fans of soccer will tell you, two is better than nil. Chambers said this about the win, �Led by the hand of god, Mark Brunell is leading us to the promised land. Of course, throw in the heart of Steve Davis, the determination of Heinz Ward, the spritz of Shaun Alexander, and the BC Bears are back in the hunt!!! Now, all we need is a little Bus to ride on. The wheels on the Bus go round and round, round and round.� Unfortunately, the post-game was marred by an ugly incident. Apparently, Johnson did not like the way that Bear rookie Chris Cash had legally hit one of his linemen on one of Farf�s many interceptions. Johnson confronted Cash after the Bear DF member had finished with the media and accused him of taking a cheap shot at OL Chad Clifton by saying �you should have been {$^!@#$} ejected for your hit on big boy.� Cash responded with a string of expletives and told Johnson repeatedly to �Put on a jersey and we�ll see how tough you are� and �How about winning some games.� Cash then lifted Johnson and threw him into the water cooler. A suspension � for Johnson � is pending.
County Coroners 113 East Bay Brothers 65 It�s true � Raider fans are like a family. It�s an odd sort of family, but a family nevertheless. In 2002, Owner Chad Callahan Nuss would be like the favored son of the Raider Nation family � always pulling in good grades, doing extra chores, and brown nosing his way into the hearts and minds of Al Davis and the other proud papas. Owner Rob Ouaou, on the other hand, is more like the family�s black sheep: often unresponsive when asked a question, rarely showing up to class, and forcing obviously injured players to play week after week. Soon after the kickoff of this matchup, it showed that the sun would shine on the favored son while the black sheep�s broken players would drag the team down. Rich �Gameball� Gannon (11/233) was firing on all cylinders as he used precision dink passes to accrue 26 points on three TD�s. It was his 7th all pro performance of the year. One of his scores went to Jerry Rice (11/95) and another set up Charlie Garner (9/101) for a TD as part of his 17 points. Even Doug Jolley got in the act by scoring 1 point in his first game. All told, Nuss, who hasn�t cleaned the toilet in 6-8 months because �that�s what the maid is for� showed true devotion in playing 6 Raiders. The best Ouaou could do was play 1 measly Raider � Zack Crockett, who was surprisingly uninjured, and scored 2 points. All season, the Brothers have leaned heavily on of all things � a Chief RB, Priest Holmes (12/229), who once again shouldered the scoring load by setting a personal high with 3 TD�s and 38 points. K Mike Vanderjagt (7/42) had a fine game, kicking through the snow for 11 points. The rest of the Brother team was led by John Abraham�s (12/48) 4. The injured Brother Crew � Hilliard (8/13), Chad Brown (9/45) and TeBucky Jones (3/4)� scored 0. The non-Raider Coroners showed up as well. RB Curtis Martin (9/74) scored 15 for his second all pro game, which also came in Week 5 with Garner�s last all pro game. They�re twins! Moe Williams (4/27) knocked himself on the head for 7 and Adam �Stone Cold� Archuleta (7/51) had 10. The four game winning streak, which is the longest in Coroner history, has propelled the team into a share of first place. The 8 wins also represent a tie of the most in any season by the Coroners. Nuss said that he felt as free and easy as �every time I go on vacation at the beach. I literally get up in the morning take a dip, go surfing, bodysurfing, and that's good enough for me:-) I can go a good 3-4 weeks without even taking a shower.� Nuss didn�t have much to say about the win particular when asked if head any more comments on the game, but said, �nah. league takes notice.�
Syracuse 44�s 78 Einar�s Lovable Losers 19 Let�s see � there�s ugly. There�s gruesomely ugly. There�s butt ugly. There�s even Patty and Selma ugly, but when you look all the way down to the bottom of the standings and you see Einar�s Luvable Losers and their sad yellow and green clad players, you�d think a completely new level of ugly had been born: Einar ugly. While Steve �the Einar� Olsen�s team had been having a poor year with just one breakout win, they would perhaps not be mentioned in the same breath as the worst team in Modano history, the 1999 Cambria Otters who were led by Rob (then known as Don) Ouaou and the recently retired Barry Sanders. This year�s Loser squad and the 1999 Otters can now breathe the same fetid air. In 1999, the Otters lost all but one game and had a season low of 22 points. In 2002, the Losers have lost all but one game and now hold the record for a low score in a game. With the nearly the exact same lineup that scored 114 points two weeks ago, the Loser players � much like Brent Farf � were unable to count higher than 4. Fittingly, the team was led by girly, Enrique Iglesias-loving Terri Glenn (9/31), who when he ran his complete routes, scored 4 points. Warren Sapp (7/44), who should clearly not be playing for this team, contributed nothing as the DF combined for a season record low 3 points. The OF scored a relatively balmy 9. QB Steve �Flair� McNair (9/122) had a poor game with 1 point and leading Loser LaDanian Tomlinson (11/148) had just 3 points. The only actual point came from K Ryan Longshanks (8/57) who scored 1 PAT. Einar ugly. The beneficiary of this new ugliness was Owner John Stoer, who was happy to take the win and get back up to .500. The mercurial Michael Vick (6/108) led the team with 19 on two TD�s and opened up lanes for RB Edgerin James (9/67) who had 13 and a TD. Stoer, who cleans the toilet dutifully �every other day� just after he does his business, gave the gameball to Derrick Brooks (10/96) so as not to infuriate the media. RB Eddie George (10/72) went back to normal levels with 4 points and Dwight Freeney (2/11) played like a rookie with a zilch. Stoer said the win felt like �a shower after being sick for 3 or 4 days and not getting out of bed during that time,� in other words, �good.� He also compared to �the Grateful Dead reunion concert and fallen down eight rows of seats over people tripping on acid, I can safely say yes, something rocks more than Enrique Iglesias. Rob was there. He saw it.� Further, Stoer said, �We were lucky that the Bengals, uh, I mean the Losers, didn't pick this week to pull out of their season long funk. Michael Vick said it best in the papers on Monday. We looked into their eyes once they got down by 21 and knew it was over. No heart, no fight. It's not what we like to see, but we'll take the W.�
Week 13 previews - There is a log jam at the top of the league with 4 teams at 8-4 and three other teams within two games of first. The matchup that features the most wins includes the Brents making their way to the west to meet the County Coroners. In Week 4, the previously unbeaten Brents took one on the chin as they were steam-rolled by the Coroners 143-81. The 143 points still represents the high water mark of the year. The Brents still lead the series 4-2, but the Coroners are coming in with a lot of confidence. Owner Chad Callahan Nuss said in time with a James Brown beat, �rollin like a freight train. looking forward to going into monday night football parking lot, gettin my tailgate up and running, and watching our defense shut down [c-word] martin....[tongue bath] martin....� Nuss has inserted Jerry Porter back in the lineup, while Owner Steve Johnson will try to bury the Coroners with Hearst, Garrison Hearst along with new recruit Zach Thomas, who started the season with the Brents. The Wookies hope to get back to their winning ways when they head to P-Miss country to face the Envy. In their three losses, the Wookies have only scored 60 ppg, so they hope getting Rod Smith into the lineup will help them duplicate their 102-88 Week 4 win. The Wookies lead the series 4-1, but the Envy have emotion on their side. Owner Perry Missner said, �I want revenge. I need revenge. I can taste revenge. I must avenge not only the Envy's earlier loss this season, but the Ref Gate game between the Bears and Pats in which the refs gave the Pats the game. I still have a bitter taste (revenge perhaps?) about that one. There won't be any refs to save you next week, Will Mitchell!� This is the week that Marcel Shipp starts � he has even been given the RB slot � along with the reinsertion of �Mighty Mitts� Marty Booker. The top scoring and low scoring teams meet in an obvious mismatch as the San Francisco Cubists stay at home to meet the Einar Ugly Lovable Losers. It is almost inevitable that the Losers will score more points than in Week 12, but can you imagine if they don�t? At this time, the Einar has chosen the same lineup, including injured Isiah Kacyvenski who has been out for three weeks. Owner Jason Moore, who may or may not make his return in Week 13 [wait and see, please] said, �We've brought in Ronde Barber to help offset the annual Aaron Brooks late-season swoon.� Few have forgotten that Brooks� favorite target was Barber last year against the Bull City Bears. Those two will meet again Sunday night. The results will, no doubt, be hilarious. The Cubists lead the series 3-2 and won in Week 4 by a 98-78 margin. The final 8-4 team, the Bull City Bears, hit the road to take on upset minded Veaselicious Cookies. Owner Dan Weitz said, �Who can we play spoiler to this week?� All-American Tom Brady makes his Thanksgiving return to the Cookie lineup, but it looks like main man Marshall Faulk will be out once again. The Cookies hope to avenge the 67-103 loss in Week 4 that gave the Bears an 8-1 advantage in the series, but they will have to face a fully-gassed Jerome Bettis to do so. Jason Elam also makes his return. A happy Owner Randy Chambers sang, �All I want for Thanksgiving is a Champ Bailey return for TD, followed by a 45-man stomping on the star in the middle of Texas field.� Finally, the resurgent Syracuse 44�s, winners of 3 in a row, take on the fellow Dead loving East Bay Brothers. The Brothers have never beaten the 44�s in five tries, including the 71-72 loss in Week 4. Does it surprise you that Owner Rob Ouaou hasn�t changed his lineup. Yes, the walking wounded crew is still in full effect. Meanwhile, the 44�s take to the ground with their �own sadder, more pathetic version of the ol' 3 Headed Monster this week with George, James, and Duckett. We are going to run the ball at the Brothers and see if they have the heart to stop us. Gotta keep winning and hope others keep losing.�
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